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Relationship reality: When do you leave?

Before he became a published author, my friend Panama Jackson, co-author of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm” was a guest of this blog! Here is when we discussed the reasons people don’t end bad relationships when they should:

Panama: I admit that I’ve firebombed a relationship or two in my day – we all have. However, over the course of time, you just get fed up with dating the wrong person. You finally accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you two aren’t meant for each other.

Wise Diva: Yeah well, it only becomes crystal clear to some of us after a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and maybe a few restraining orders. It seems as if we end up trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, not a good fit. So maybe it takes awhile to figure out that you are square and he is round.

Panama: I’ll never understand, for the life of me, why a woman will sit in a relationship for seven years with a man who has made it clear he’d rather marry a panda bear than her.

Wise Diva: You want to know why we wait for seven years? Because we just INVESTED a solid six of those years in you – someone we actually thought we loved. No, we probably shouldn’t have. Yes, you most likely weren’t really worth the wait, but we hold on in hopes that you are. So when it becomes painfully obvious that we were all wrong, it’s a tough reality check. We definitely can’t place all the blame on you, because sadly, we let it happen.

Panama: That’s a hard realization to make for some people because we all get caught up in that bogus ideal of how much time we’ve invested in a situation or person. Newsflash: Just because you’ve invested time into somebody doesn’t mean it was a good investment.

Wise Diva: Well, you got me with that one! So, why do we do it?

Panama: People are afraid of being alone. Terrified is probably a better term for it. So that fear will have you looking past red flags or making excuses for men who probably aren’t bad people, but aren’t being forced to be good men either. It’s really a messy situation.

Wise Diva: I wholeheartedly agree with you on that point. So would you say that this is applicable to men too?

Panama: It goes both ways. I don’t want to make it seem like women are the only ones making excuses or sticking around too long. People settle everyday, and its a shame that we end up settling because we’re afraid of being alone.

What do you guys think, do we sometimes hang on longer because we want a return on our investment? When do you cut your losses and bail out?

Is it about the time invested in a relationship or the actual relationship itself?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

157 comments Add your comment

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:02 pm

cba, ok. What about an electric razor I use one of those when it’s time to be really smooth. Black man or not..an Avacodo mask?

Who is Michael Baisden?

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:03 pm

Celisea, I honestly thought she copied and pasted that story but that’s just my opinion.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
1:03 pm

Overload….too…much…shullbit…..

@ASB – You have kids, think them, then you; and realize that after 11 years and all that drama, dude ain’t changing. You know this, you stated it, you have to make a choice: stay or leave.

If you stay, you’ve signed up for whatever he does to you from now on – period. If you leave, it will be hard; but you will live.

Whatever your goal in putting your measurements out, what it tells me is this, you still care about you. Care enough about yourself to make a choice and stick with it. You’re grown.

@NYSofM

Your friend is not bright, you can’t change that, no need to worry about it. She’s grown and capable of making her own decisions. Your job as a friend at this point (should you choose to accept it), is to be there as a sounding board, not repository for the dreams she should have for herself.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
1:05 pm

PR – Celisea, I honestly thought she copied and pasted that story but that’s just my opinion.

LOL…I’ll just play nice and say no comment

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
1:07 pm

There’s a “stanking azz” scented shaving cream?

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
1:07 pm

man things are taking a weird turn….

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
1:09 pm

Sassy — It’s after lunch… what did you expect? :lol:

cba

April 7th, 2011
1:15 pm

Swiss, I’ve been shaving since I was 15, almost 40yrs. Believe me, I’ve tried them all. Compared to 40yrs ago, the shaving cream I use today is very pleasant smelling :-)

PR, Michael Baisden has a radio show that discusses relationship issues among other things.
You know how you do it, google him and listen sometimes.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:18 pm

cba, I had to make sure it was not a google setup

cba

April 7th, 2011
1:20 pm

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:22 pm

On Topic, she should have left when he said he was married.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:23 pm

Where is Leggs and Raqi?

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
1:34 pm

@Dan… whether he’s a married man or not- the relationship is very unhealthy because he isn’t a good man. I agree she’s very stupid..my point is why is she still putting up with any man who’s no good let alone someone else’s husband’s foolishness. After 10yrs..when do you leave….I guess when you’re tired

@Celisea- Your rebuttal is very popular and funny. I see you don’t have any other place to turn to but a sound board either…..welcome to the Wise Diva’s Misadventures in Atlanta..nice to meet you.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
1:37 pm

@NY state of mind. It took a lot to even post it. Many times I read the blog and want to respond. I could’ve gone into more detail but as it is many people may still recognize me from my posting.

@Purple Rain and Celisea. This is my story, lived by me and the blog posting written by me. I wouldn’t request advice on Michael Baisden. My friends, family and others would probably recognize who wrote the letter right away.

I have met Michael Baisden a couple of times at gatherings in Atlanta. Women were crowding around him. I was standing away from the crowd. Each time, he left the group of women to come over to talk to me. The first time I met him, he was shocked to find out my age. He stated I was the exception to the rule since I was in great shape and not desperate. He was trying to be cool and not come across as trying to get my number. I didn’t offer my number, business card nor asked for his info. The second time, he remembered me and walked up and gave me a hug. At that event, there were many men trying to give me their business cards. He told me with all the men chasing after me I needed to write a book.

@Dan – Simply….Superior. If I didn’t lift weights and work out, I would be more stressed. After my pregnancy, the physician put me on blood pressure meds and told me I would take them for the rest of my life. I told him after I lose my pregnancy weight and get back to my normal exercise routine, I would be able to stop taking them. I lost the weight and my blood pressure returned to normal.

@i’m swiss™ (”FREE ME.LO”), I know and I am trying to move to that point…After all the years, I met someone who just threw me for a loop and fell in love and in stupid…Easy to say, harder to actually make that move…

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
1:39 pm

@NYSoM

I didn’t call her stupid, I said not bright.

Plus, that “ooooohhhhoooo” make men and women do dumb isht

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:43 pm

Wells ASB, what do you want out of life?

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
1:48 pm

When the sht hits the fan it’s time to leave. Why get caught up in sht that is stressful to validate what.
What’s up folks.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
1:49 pm

Oh y’all talking about men shaving my bad.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
1:52 pm

@Dan..its cool..I called her stupid and I think someone else did. I’m not offended by it at all. I’m still her friend and because we’re grown women and were grown 10yrs ago I cant tell her to leave. It’s a lot easier said than done..I just hope she leaves sooner rather than later. I wasnt looking for any other answer..just sharing a real life dating adventure.

@ASB– no need to hide from your friends, family or strangers- You’re human and your situation is experienced by other humans..whether they care to admit it or not or even pretend everything in their life is bible clean.

I hope all works out for the best. If you can write a book..I say go for it. Your twins will benefit from it.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
1:53 pm

Purp..Dont knock teh Avacado until you have tried it..Add that to the fact that teh ladies in the spaor SOOOOO PHINE!!!! Strait razor shave, hot towel, moisturizing massage, mask (Mani happens while mask is on)… Nice way to relax and be pampered by beautiful women that are only there to take care of me the customer….

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
1:58 pm

IF you are going to pay women might as well pay them to close the deal lol

ASB

April 7th, 2011
1:58 pm

@Purple Rain, I want a man to love me as deeply as I love him. I want a strong family unit for my children much like I had growing up. Overall, I am happy. My children are healthy and happy. I am healthy. No one can make a person happy. My biggest mistake with my relationship was I tried to make him happy. I tried to protect him and take care of all his needs. He told me I did make him happy…before I had the children.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
2:06 pm

ASB you tried to protect a guy from what? And take care all of his needs. Why? Is he handicapped?

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
2:09 pm

ASB no answer required I am all late coming in I’m sure you have your reasons.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:15 pm

ASB – You were brave to put that out there to this rough crowd. We are not professional therapists, but you’ve got to have thick skin to deal with us because we do give it to you straight, peppered with joking.

He doesn’t want the twins, but it took 2 to make them. It’s not your fault. He was there when the dr told you you were infertile. But God has the last word. That’s just how stuff works sometimes. The kids didn’t ask to come here. Absolutely if you all are living in seperate houses, he’s not going to get as much attention. Sounds like he’s a big baby and he needs to man up. Stop the temper tantrums because things didn’t work out like he wanted. Is he taking care of the children financially? Even though he appears to resent their presence in this world, is he at least trying to be a loving father to them? These are the main things you should be concerned about with him. Forget the romance, there is none.

You don’t need to beg a man to marry you. If he did at this point, he will still harbor resentment toward you for the rest of your days and your children’s days. I would not want to wake up next to that every day.

You’ll get tired. Until then, carry on.

Lord Velonese

April 7th, 2011
2:28 pm

“Panama: People are afraid of being alone”

Speak for yourself there skippy. I really like how some people “think” they others better then they know themselves, tsk tsk.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
2:31 pm

ASB I wish you the best, If you want it go get it. It’s not just going to come to you.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
2:36 pm

@Kimmie- great post!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
2:37 pm

ASB– no need to hide from your friends, family or strangers
ASB This is true. Actually it’s the primary tactic of a manipulative guy. Isolate the woman from her family and friends so that she emotionally depends on only him. Once he’s done that, he can do whatever he wants, and she’ll feel helpless to stop it. Sometimes we even isolate ourselves out of pride. You don’t have to broadcast your situation, but you should tell the people who really love you. People can’t help you if they think nothing is wrong.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:48 pm

NY – Thanks. And I feel you on your friends situation. I’ve been thru similiar with one of my friends, though thankfully it didn’t last that many years. Also, she tried to get pregnant, but the Lord did not make that happen. It’s sad,though. Poverty and not being accustomed to much will make some people do destructive things. All you can do is be there for her when she falls and pray and hope for the best.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
2:49 pm

Dreams – Your 2:37 – on point, as usual!

ASB

April 7th, 2011
2:49 pm

@Blackfoote, he was and still is going through issues with his ex-wife. I wanted his environment to be peaceful and not full of chaos. I don’t like drama so I try my best to make my home a place of rest and relaxation. He is not handicapped. His mom spoiled him and then I did.

@Kimmie, thanks. I know…tough crowd! When reading your post, I must admit I started crying at my desk. He spends time with them but only when I am around to care for them. He doesn’t have patience with small children. He is loving to them and is generous on special days (i.e. Christmas, Birthday). They have stayed at his house overnight one time with him and their older siblings. On that night, I bathed them and put them to bed. Then, I went to my home to do some work. I was back to pick them up by lunch at his request.

Financially, he states he can’t do it at the moment due to the amount he pays his ex-wife. In the past few months, he has given me checks. He could go back to modify the child support award. The laws have changed and the now he has additional children to support. However, he states he doesn’t have the money for a court fight with his ex and that she will leave the city with his children if he does modify. Thank God for now, I have a good job with good benefits. Even so, I still have a strict budget.

I don’t beg him to marry me and very rarely mention marriage. However, many people around us are getting married and people ask us all the time when we are going to marry. Some people assume we already are married.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
2:55 pm

When you’ve had enough you’ll know….YOU and no one else…

Luvah

April 7th, 2011
2:56 pm

Dang, all I want is a woman that shaves…….

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
2:58 pm

ASB Don’t waste any more of your time with a shullbit guy. I’m tired of hearing these dudes’ excuses for why they don’t take care of their kids or why they’re dishonest. I can’t be tired for you though. You have to be tired of it yourself. You’ve got to throw your hands up, say “Enough is enough! I’m done with this shyyyyt.” When you can do that, then you’ll start putting in motion all the other things that you need to improve your situation. Without that motivation you’ll be running on the same treadmill for another 11 years. All that you need you already have, you had it before you met this guy, and you’ll have it after.

Blackfoote

April 7th, 2011
3:00 pm

ASB I feel you on living drama free and I know it can be hard on a guy when he have multiple kids to see after I had girl/boy twins that died at birth but my ex and I were blessed to have another before we divorced. For the kids sake I hope he does right by them.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
3:02 pm

ASB – I feel for you and wish you the best. You sound like a sweet person.

All those reasons he gave you are cop-outs. Bottom line, he’s got 2 more mouths to feed now. He has to face his responsibilities like an adult. And oh, that little thing about him being afraid the ex will leave the city with the kids – not true. Even if she is threatening him with that, she can’t do it. I know because one of my best friends’ husband got that threat from his ex. Neither can move to another city with the kids unless they mutually agree or when they turn 18. Same situation with a cousin of mine. Now she can sneak out of town with them – and get arrested.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:06 pm

@Purple Rain, thank you.

@DreamsMaterialize “Free Me-Lo”, my friends and family know about the situation. Some of my family think he has cast a spell on me. Also, very little in the physical side of our relationship is happening, which harbors more resentment. When we spend time together the children are also with us or all the children are visiting. Babysitters are an option, but it would be nice to share the expense.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
3:09 pm

@ASB – and you’re still “with” the dude. Like, in love and the whole nine after all ^^ that happened?

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:27 pm

@DreamsMaterialize “Free Me-Lo”, I know I should but the drama doesn’t stop there. We also work at the same company. I see him every day at work.

@Blackfoote, I am so sorry for your loss. It would drive me crazy to lose my babies.

I understand things changed for him and I don’t ask him to change his life. He spends time with his friends without any grief from me. He is resentful because we traveled, played golf together, etc. He tells me he lost his best friend. I feel like I lost mine and that he should’ve been there for me through it all. He apologized for how he acted during and immediately after the children were born, but I feel if he really loved me he should’ve been there for us.

@Kimmie, thank you. I try to live my life so that when I go to sleep I know I tried not to wrong anyone. And, if I did, I pray for forgiveness. I must admit, it has been so hard. When I see my children’s smiling faces, I know that I have to stay strong. I want to do what is best for them.

I told him that if she was going to leave the city, she would’ve done so when the children were born. He didn’t tell his ex-wife about the children until after the birth. I told him the same thing about her not being able to take his older children away.

About getting married, he thinks the same thing…if he marries, she will move them away from him. He told me that if we married and she moved the children away, he would hate me for the rest of his life.

ASB

April 7th, 2011
3:31 pm

@Dan – Simply….Superior, I am still with him but my feelings are not as intense. Guess I believe the in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer…and didn’t even take the vows…

In addition, we also share other assets. I know, I know…don’t buy anything with a man unless you are married.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
3:33 pm

Blog hug for ASB….Your sh–IT it COM PLI CA TED!!!!!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
3:36 pm

I understand things changed for him and I don’t ask him to change his life.
ASB I see this differently. You should DEMAND that he change his life. He made the choice to have children by two different women, so now that circumstance requires that he make some changes in his life to accomodate that. You have to be more aggressive, if only for the sake of your children.

He told me that if we married and she moved the children away, he would hate me for the rest of his life.
ASB He’s playing mind games, trying to make you feel guilty for what you want. If you want to be married, then you deserve that…just maybe not from him. If his ex moves away against a court order, then she’ll be charged with felony kidknapping, and an amber alert will go out nationwide. He probably knows this already, but he’s assuming you don’t so he can use it as ammo to discourage you from trying to get what you want.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
3:39 pm

@ASB- dude is playing a lot of mind games…his brain should hurt. I’m not buying, renting, leasing or financing none of this nonsense about him telling you the EX- will move away if he moves on. She divorced him which means they have come to an agreement that they no longer want to be together. So I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care – It’s a sad reality- a big pill to swallow but it sounds like he made a commitment to not marry you or remarry period.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
3:39 pm

@ASB- dude is playing a lot of mind games…his brain should hurt. I’m not buying, renting, leasing or financing none of this nonsense about him telling you the EX- will move away if he moves on. She divorced him which means they have come to an agreement that they no longer want to be together. So I’m pretty sure she doesn’t care – It’s a sad reality- a big pill to swallow but it sounds like he made a commitment to not marry you or remarry period.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 7th, 2011
3:41 pm

In addition, we also share other assets. I know, I know…don’t buy anything with a man unless you are married.
ASB This doesn’t mean anything. The two of you aren’t married, so the courts don’t have any authority over personal property, except to enforce what contracts are already in place. Simple, if you both signed your name to it, then you’re both responsible.

Blog hug for ASB….Your sh–IT it COM PLI CA TED!!!!!
Simple No it isn’t. Nothing is ever really that complicated. Most things can be resolved by relatively simple choices…we just don’t want to make the choices. And I’m not talking at ASB…I’m speaking from experience.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
3:48 pm

ASB you are afraid. You need to grab your inner strength and not be a door mat. Seriously I feel for you but only so much, you are in control of you!

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
3:54 pm

I would expect my woman to leave me if I disrespected her or our future kid. I would lose respect for her for still dealing with me.

kimmie

April 7th, 2011
3:59 pm

Purple – To your 3:54 – That reminds me of my first serious boyfriend. I was naive and stupid. He used to try to see how much he could get away with. He told me right before we broke up that he did not respect me for letting him get away with everything. He wanted a woman that could stand up for herself.

While I did not respect him for treating me the way he did just because he could, I never forgot what he said.

And I’ve been a spitfire every since!LOL!!!

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
4:02 pm

kimmie, some are only as faithful as their options. Love your mate so hard that they have no options! lol