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Relationship reality: When do you leave?

Before he became a published author, my friend Panama Jackson, co-author of “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm” was a guest of this blog! Here is when we discussed the reasons people don’t end bad relationships when they should:

Panama: I admit that I’ve firebombed a relationship or two in my day – we all have. However, over the course of time, you just get fed up with dating the wrong person. You finally accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, you two aren’t meant for each other.

Wise Diva: Yeah well, it only becomes crystal clear to some of us after a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and maybe a few restraining orders. It seems as if we end up trying to fit a round peg into a square hole, not a good fit. So maybe it takes awhile to figure out that you are square and he is round.

Panama: I’ll never understand, for the life of me, why a woman will sit in a relationship for seven years with a man who has made it clear he’d rather marry a panda bear than her.

Wise Diva: You want to know why we wait for seven years? Because we just INVESTED a solid six of those years in you – someone we actually thought we loved. No, we probably shouldn’t have. Yes, you most likely weren’t really worth the wait, but we hold on in hopes that you are. So when it becomes painfully obvious that we were all wrong, it’s a tough reality check. We definitely can’t place all the blame on you, because sadly, we let it happen.

Panama: That’s a hard realization to make for some people because we all get caught up in that bogus ideal of how much time we’ve invested in a situation or person. Newsflash: Just because you’ve invested time into somebody doesn’t mean it was a good investment.

Wise Diva: Well, you got me with that one! So, why do we do it?

Panama: People are afraid of being alone. Terrified is probably a better term for it. So that fear will have you looking past red flags or making excuses for men who probably aren’t bad people, but aren’t being forced to be good men either. It’s really a messy situation.

Wise Diva: I wholeheartedly agree with you on that point. So would you say that this is applicable to men too?

Panama: It goes both ways. I don’t want to make it seem like women are the only ones making excuses or sticking around too long. People settle everyday, and its a shame that we end up settling because we’re afraid of being alone.

What do you guys think, do we sometimes hang on longer because we want a return on our investment? When do you cut your losses and bail out?

Is it about the time invested in a relationship or the actual relationship itself?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

157 comments Add your comment

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April 7th, 2011
10:41 am

Stay on topic please

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:43 am

Selflove, Purp, Simple Man – That’s pretty much how it is with myself. Sometimes when it’s been a minute since any action, it’ll seem like I can’t get the topic off my mind…so much so that it becomes a distraction. So i’ll be like, I must make sure I shake this monkey off my back when I get home.

Or there are times when I can’t seem to rest my mind enough to get to sleep at night, so i’ll handle that to hopefully induce some Zzzzz’s

OR, i’ll be watching something on tv and see a scene that gets my mind going and i’ll handle my light weight.

:oops:

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
10:43 am

No, thank you.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:44 am

swiss – sorry to disappoint you…no shower shows ;-)

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:44 am

Enter your comments here

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
10:45 am

“sorry to disappoint you…no shower shows”

D@mmit, Slim — you couldn’t play along? Now I’ve go to come up with a different visual for later… :lol:

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
10:51 am

swiss – well in your mind, the possibilities are endless. Go for what you know ;-)

Monroe Burbank

April 7th, 2011
10:51 am

Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:52 am

Loving your slef is kind of on topic, I bet if you are able to clear your pipes you will make better decisions in regards to if you should stay or not.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
10:55 am

Damn…If I would not get crushed for doing so, I would ask Slim to marry me!!! :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
10:58 am

Simple, if you marry her just know that all of us will be waiting to bag your wife as soon as we see her in real life. SHe can’t keep saying “non”. So if you want that pressure go right ahead and marry Slim. I am not talking about us looking and admiring I am talking about a full court press!

Letitia

April 7th, 2011
11:07 am

I’ll be divorcing real soon if this keeps up

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
11:08 am

Morn Fam-

I wish I could suggest my girlfriend read some of your comments. I don’t judge my friends and allow them to “live and learn”
My friend is in an abusive relationship..not physically but emotionally and mentally. She’s been dating a married man for the past 10yrs. Him and his wife dont live together but they’re refusing to divorce one another -for whatever reasons.

She has a child with this married man and uses that as an excuse to stay with him. This man is financially stable and her family keeps telling her to stick it out because he has money and buys her nice things. Her family keeps telling her that one day he will eventually divorce the wife and marry her. BUT ITS BEEN TEN YEARS….When is enough …ENOUGH??

I can’t understand for the life of me why she would want to stick around..he comes through with hand bags, shoes, and nice cars..however he’s very disrespectful and controlling. He bought her a car and then gave her a list of places she couldn’t drive it. When he’s mad at her he takes the keys. He self esteem is six feet under and the relationship is not healthy for her young child and/or her teenage niece whom she has custody of. When I asked her why she puts up with him and are the gifs worth it she said “ no one has ever treated me like this or bought me nice things before” then she said something that didn’t make sense to me “I can’t let his wife win”

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:12 am

NY State of Mind, your friend must come from a poor family for them to encourage her to stay for financial reasons. Also yoru friend has low self esteem and is a bad decision maker for messing with a married guy, being impregnated by a married guy, sitting around for ten years. She’s just a high priced sex toy. I don’t have dumb stupid friends, maybe you should rethink the friendship. Why would you keep someone like that in your circle?

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:13 am

Simple – why would you get reemed for proposing to me?

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:16 am

Slim, because he is not man enough to keep you from us wolves?

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:19 am

Slim…the fellas gonna wrap me in the Barry azz Barry banner and hang me upside down from the 17th Street bridge!!! LOL

Mo (aka Moeisha)

April 7th, 2011
11:20 am

Dan – “Don’t think of it as “starting from scratch” because you’re not. You’re building something new with a new person, using experience and a new set of tools.” So true! And when I realized that I knew that I was ready to date again and be open to the possibilities. And now, Im GOOD! :smile:

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:21 am

Man Slim is a catch, I was contemplating approaching her when I first came on the blog for a date. But Simple and Slim just seem like to opposites. Maybe I am just hating, let me go put on a Barry Azz Barry T-shirt for hating and blocking. LOL

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:25 am

Well hell Slim, Not sure If i give damn ’bout being hung out like that… I have a mani,pedi, facial appointment this afternoon…Might come out fresh enough to take slim to dinner! :)

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:32 am

Lord please help us….SMH

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:33 am

‘I have a mani,pedi, facial appointment this afternoon’

Danggit, I just got the fresh pedi yesterday. If I’d have known, we could’ve went together. :mrgreen:

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:34 am

I see Monroe Burbank got it…lol

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
11:35 am

When is enough …ENOUGH??

When folks are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
11:42 am

Yeah slim, I have to make sure my fingers and toes are on point!!! And since I will be there, I will work the Avacado facial so the skin is proper…

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
11:43 am

@PR…I agree with you 100%. You’re absolutely correct…she has a poor background and when he bought her those nice things she thought she hit the jackpot. We have been friends for more than half of our life I can’t just walk away because she’s doing something that I don’t support or entertain..it’s not that easy. Its hurtful to see my friend selling herself short for a Gucci bag and GL450 but to the poor black girl who grew up in the slums…this is what she dreamed of…and yes unfortunately the dream was of material things.

She isn’t the first woman and only woman to live this way. I just don’t know what else to do to make her see that this lifestyle isn’t healthy. She hasn’t found her worth yet and I’m not going to abandon her until she finds it- I just hope soon- she has a 6yr and 14yr girl at home.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:49 am

Ny State, so she basically just costs him about $2000 a month in bills and she is happy. I understand about the life long friend thing. I have some friends who are still in the street that I have known my whole life. Hard to turn your back on them.

Simple nothing wrong with getting that stuff done but the verbiage you use. Mani, Pedi etc makes you “different” A avocado mask? C’mon dude really? LOL

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
11:50 am

Simple Man wants a facial. LOL

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:52 am

‘Slim is a catch’

Purple – Awww, thanks :cry:

Simple – I never had a professional facial done. Hmmm, maybe I should put that on my bday wish list.

SlimNumeroUno

April 7th, 2011
11:56 am

Purp – Speaking of facials, how are your natural facial cream sales going? :lol:

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
12:01 pm

Yeah, a grown man typing the word “facial” in a non-ironic statement; DTM.

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
12:03 pm

@PR- I never thought about it like that but yes..two stacks and she’s good. Sad!
Can you please tell her that?

Selflove

April 7th, 2011
12:04 pm

With all this talk about facials, mani’s, pedi’s and the like (from MEN? Are we metro-sexuals, now?), I think I’m due for some self luvin. Buh bye….

ASB

April 7th, 2011
12:05 pm

My boyfriend and I met almost eleven years ago. We didn’t become a couple until a few years later. He pursued me intensely and told my family that although he was coming into the relationship with children, he loved me and wanted to make a future with me. He was a good man, smart, etc. I later found out he was very selfish. I helped him with dealing with the aftermath of his divorce, with his children, death of a parent and other difficult times. I shopped for his children, planned activities, cooked, etc. Even got out of my bed when his children were sick to go to the store for medicine, drive to his house and then back to my house to go back to sleep. I was his partner is all ways. We traveled and had fun. Years passed and still no formal commitment. Was I the rebound relationship? Now, that I look back…most likely…

We both grew up with both parents in the home. He says I am his soul mate, he is committed to me and a piece of paper shouldn’t be important. When we started dating, I had a heart–to-heart discussion with him and asked was he open to marriage again and having a child if our relationship became serious. He stated, “Yes”.

Years later, during some tests, my OB/GYN told me I was infertile. I was depressed but I could tell my boyfriend was happy. I catered to him, he was spoiled and now he knew he would be the center of my attention. Still no commitment…

I prayed and asked for guidance about whether I should stay in the relationship. He was dealing with his angry ex-wife. I had to deal with her also. He would often tell me I was the opposite of her. I know he is dealing with guilt from his divorce about his children from that marriage. His mother let it slip he was about to ask me to marry him. I didn’t know at that time, but I was already a couple of weeks pregnant with twins in my forties. Weeks later, after a doctor’s visit after suffering extreme exhaustion, I was told I was pregnant. My boyfriend was livid and very, very upset.

I went through my pregnancy with Angels (family, friends and strangers) helping me along the way. My boyfriend was just extremely angry much of the time. My family, knowing how I cared for him and supported him, was upset with his treatment of me. He changed his mind about proposing to me after I found out I was pregnant. I still tried to work things out even with the hurt. He was angry because my focus was on the babies to ensure their safe journey to this world. If I didn’t take care of me, who would? He would tell me that now he can never have what he truly wanted and that was me. The alternative was not even an option. The babies were much wanted if only by me.

When the babies were born, he argued with me over every little detail. I stayed calm but consistent with my views because I was dealing with HBP due to the pregnancy. Our children are a blessing and a miracle.

Time has passed. We are still in two different houses. Our children know “Mommy’s house” and “Daddy’s house”. Still, I try to be a family. Am I crazy? I often think so for still dreaming of a future with him.

My father and grandfathers were good men and I had great relationships with them. My mother and grandmothers were good women who raised their families and taught me the importance of being a lady. I am neither desperate nor have a complex about being alone.

My independence and love of life is what attracted my boyfriend. I wasn’t waiting around for a man to complete me. I must admit the fact I work out with weights, do cardio and stay in shape attracted him also (size 6). I grew up as a scholar, athlete and competing in pageants. He is still trying to keep the relationship. He blames me for trying to lock him down with more children and trying to hurt his other children by having more children. He tells me I concentrate on the children more than him. It is difficult to take care of him when we live in different homes. I am not superwoman.

When we attend church as a family, people make comments, “You and your husband have a beautiful family”. It hurts. Just the other day, a good friend told me, “You are doing a great job with the children.” My co-workers tell me, “I don’t know how you do it. You look great, maintain a career and are a good mommy”. I want my children to grow up with a healthy view of relationships. I don’t want them to say, “Mommy, why aren’t you and daddy married”. I don’t want them to say that I took them away from their daddy or that I didn’t try to work on our relationship. What do I want for me personally? I don’t know anymore…

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
12:17 pm

Purp, Dan, Selflove…Nothing Metro about me, but I have to make sure my mug is on point…Get my face hooked up monthly the same way I get my hair cut weekly…That way when my face is in the place, there wont be ingrown hair and stubble rubbing against the soft skin of her inner thighs….

Simple Man!!!!

April 7th, 2011
12:19 pm

Slim…
Put in on the list..its worth the money :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:26 pm

Simple Man, I just shave, and wash my face with water and soap and use some lotion. I don’t think my skin can get any better…maybe it’s my diet.

Ny State, you can tell her but deep down she already knows.

ASB, you have some major issues in your posting, I don’t even want to comment. I wish you the best and that for once you look out for yourself.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:28 pm

I ain’t tryna be funny and I know I’m one to vent…usually though I’m just getting it off my chest but when oh when did this place become the spot for real therapy? Seriously.

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:29 pm

May I recommend a journal?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 7th, 2011
12:42 pm

ASB — Normally, you’d be issued a citation for that 4-volume epic you posted, but you’re new so just a warning this time… ;-)

Now, for a little tough love:

Seriously? Look, you don’t have to “take daddy away” to move on. Hell, the kids are already used to “mommy’s house” & “daddy’s house” so how much of a difference would it be, really? Bottom line, you are allowing yourself to be, essentially, a domestic servant. If you’re cool with that, then more power to you. If not, I suggest you move along.

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:43 pm

I can’t believe I read the whole thing. Where were all these dumb woman at when I was single? I shoul dhave no problem finding a side piece after reading some of these stories. Not that I would want one though

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:49 pm

PR – I can’t believe you read it either…lol…gheesh

NY state of mind

April 7th, 2011
12:50 pm

@Celisea – I could be wrong but isn’t the rules of this blog as stated above “for Mature adults to discuss dating and relationship, to help each other or challenge another’s viewpoint”

Isn’t this blog Wise Diva’s journal??

For some who may be experiencing some real challenges in life and have no other place to turn this may be therapeutic for them.

@ASB- Thanks for sharing such a vulnerable part of your life. I dont know what to say and really cant give you any advice as I too have played the fool for a man. However- it seems like you gave more to the relationship than he did.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
12:53 pm

New York I was just thinkingwondering the same thing…especially the first half of your post.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 7th, 2011
12:53 pm

@Simple

I wash with soap, shave with a razor, and use vaseline; but, I am naturally beautiful – so what you do.

Sassy Me...Juicy Fruit :-)

April 7th, 2011
12:54 pm

should’ve been *thinking/wondering* but I digress….

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:54 pm

NYSofM – Yeah, but how many times have we recycled folks messing with married folks??? What answer other than “that’s stupid” would you want or hope for??? If you don’t have anywhere else to turn but a sounding board, call Jesus, he can heal all wounds :) How’s that for therapy :) Heart fixer, mind regulator, burden bearer, heavy load carrier…you asked…lolol j/k b/n/r

Celisea

April 7th, 2011
12:55 pm

I’m sure that won’t be a popular answer and no I’m not donning a vest. I can be silent though. I’m sure for some that’s welcomed :)

Purple Rain

April 7th, 2011
12:58 pm

LOL@Dan

Will you ladies hush us men are talking skincare.

cba

April 7th, 2011
12:58 pm

Unfortunately, you can hear many ASBs stories on Michael Baisden show.
PR, for alot of black men, shaving with a razor can cause many unpleasant bumps. I can understand Simple from that point of view.
I just use that stanking azz shaving cream :-)