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Better off friends?

So I asked my Guy Decoder for a little advice on how to handle a little dating situation. After spending time with a new guy, I realize we are definitely not romantically compatible, but I really would love to have him in my life – as a friend.

I know most men DESPISE the friend zone because it basically eliminates any possibility of bedroom action. The thing is, we really have the best time talking, laughing, and hanging out. We certainly could continue to spend time together, but I want to let him know that romance is not in our future.

I don’t think this guy is hopelessly in love with me or anything, so I still figure I could pull this off. I just wondered if it’s all or none, use me romantically or lose me as a friend. What do you guys think? Would it help if I fixed him up with a great girl?

Aren’t there situations where men are able to remain friends with a woman after being rejected romantically?

Ladies, have you ever been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Is it really mission impossible to parlay a great friendship with someone you once dated, but dumped?

When you find out you are better off friends, how do the dynamics change?  In a way, couldn’t you become closer without the pressure of a romantic relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

191 comments Add your comment

CoolShadow

April 6th, 2011
7:49 am

Aren’t there situations where men are able to remain friends with a woman after being rejected romantically?

It’s possible, but problems ensue when women still attempt to extract boyfriend-like privileges from you while placing you in the dreaded friend zone. It can be tricky especially when you still have romantic feelings about her but she chooses to ignore or reject your intentions. Once she redefines those boundaries as the friend zone, you might have to remind her it works both ways when comes to limiting access because she only wants to be friends. Or you may just decide you can’t be friends at all.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
7:59 am

“extract boyfriend-like privileges from you”

The worst.

Simple Man!!!!

April 6th, 2011
8:23 am

Good Morning Fam!!!

I might have to endure a suspension of My Blog Guy privalages for this, but I don’t for the life of me see what the big deal about being in the friend zone???? I have tried but I don’t see what the big deal is. Contrary to how its presented, I don’t want too sleep with every lady I know the same way every women I meet does not want to sleep with me! ( As difficult as that is to believe):)

the watch dog

April 6th, 2011
8:28 am

That is a great question, I really like it. friendless and loveless, it does not get any better than that. Tooooooo many people put way too much priority on having love and friends. There is no need to have either, in fact, the happiest people are void of relationships except for the most transitory type.
Take a smelly, stinky panhandler, he is a happy guy, no relationships to impede his day, no responsiblities. He has the sun in the mornin and the moon at night, that is all he wants. He is a deliriously happy fella.
I know I am off the topic, but that is what comes to mind when I hear about having friends.

jw

April 6th, 2011
8:35 am

Since it’s obvious the two of you like each other and enjoy each other’s company – but you feel no spark, it’s better to talk about it now – since it’s early in the relationship – that way, IF you do come across someone that gives you that spark – he’s going to be more understanding. If you two are that close and happy, he probably isn’t going to mess it up over the lack of romance.

Problem is – how is this relationship going to continue when you two meet others that DO romantically give you the spark? In the long term, having an opposite as a BFF is not going to work – regardless of what anyone will post – sorry. There is too much jealousy from the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” to keep that great relationship with the “friend” going. Plus, the “friend” and you will be jealous over one another’s significant other.

Sounds like you two are at that crucial point in the dating world – good luck. Not sure you get your cake and eat it too in this one. It’s going to take special people to keep it going as is. I do hope you two can continue to date and be friends.

Phil c

April 6th, 2011
8:39 am

“Homeless people are happy” ? What a sad and mistaken attitude, I don’t think anyone will be taking advice from you and if it was meant to be funny you won’t be getting that stand up gig anytime soon

I wonder...

April 6th, 2011
8:41 am

What, exactly, are boyfriend-like privileges?

MC Hammock

April 6th, 2011
8:43 am

Different strokes for different folks. Personally, I can be a “hanging out” friend with a woman, but nothing more then that. Don’t expect me to pay for your meals, movie tickets, etc. It wouldn’t be anything regular, either. If we hang out on a regular basis, it’s because I think that MAYBE we could “get together”….that there is a chance. But if nothing happens over a given length of time. I’m probably not interested. Maybe if you had some hot female friends, there would be that angle. Like it or not, it usually comes back to the romantic or sex factor with guys and girls being “friends”. Call it the law of nature, if you must.

If you’ve dated before, there is little chance of staying in the “friend” zone. Once the dating rejection takes place, time to move on to greener pastures. Just my two cents.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 6th, 2011
8:49 am

Morning
I can hang out with a woman and not be romantically involved with her. I WON’T be doing things that her man should be doing though. That’s usually the problem.

knockoutblonde

April 6th, 2011
8:52 am

I have many male friends, but I think it’s much easier for a female to have male friends than it is for males to have female friends. I’m pretty sure that if I gave most of my male friends the green light, there would be a coupling. You really can feel that “hope” just hanging around at all times, constant lead ons and suggestive comments…not that I’m complaining. I love being around men much more than I like being around women for reasons that are a topic for another day. I just think that 90% of the time, whether it be in a friendship or casual scenario, women will always be the hunted (whether they know it or not) and men will always be the hunters. Some men are like hawks, just diving down as soon as a small animal is spotted and others are like wolves, tracking prey for days until they see an opening.

knockoutblonde

April 6th, 2011
8:53 am

Happy hump day, Dreams and MCH!

MC Hammock

April 6th, 2011
8:54 am

good morning and happy humping to you, KOB!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 6th, 2011
9:07 am

Happy hump day, Dreams and MCH
Hey Knockout. I’m working on it. Hope you are too. ;-)

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:08 am

If it started off as a friendship with no romantic interest initially then grew to a spark but there was no flame lit. Sure you can be friends. But if his intentions were romantic at first I do not think that he will be a full friend, in the back of his mind he would always be thinking of a way to spark it up. I just don’t think that those feelings would die down because after the rejection…and that woman is still around the conquer part of the man will still be there. That will lead to trouble because even though he wanted a relationship first and you two decided it was not a good idea and just be friends…as soon as he slips up and “hits” he will be gone because his secondary objective has been accomplished. IMO So my answer is if the first contact was romantic in nature no you can’t be friends, but if you had some sort of familiarity before the romance attempt was made then yes you can revert to being good friends.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:13 am

I don’t have to many female friends, don’t need them. I have a lot of females in my family..sisters, cousins and aunts. But I just don’t understand a guy who is always around women that he has no attraction to, just for the sake of hanging out…..Shopping, Watching Sex in the City, Real Housewives and just being there for them as a shoulder all of the time.

Yes She Is Cute

April 6th, 2011
9:18 am

Good morning everyone! I been there done that. Usually guys only stay friends in hopes that they will get out of the friends zone. Other than that they are like “I’m good on friends”. That’s what I’ve noticed. I even asked my boyfriend if we could be friends after a break up he was like no, the past is the past not holding on to it. Even though I don’t see it that way.

It’s just the nature of the beast :S

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
9:19 am

KOB brings up the other point – d!ck in a box.

Yet another reason to not be involved in that “male/female friend” dynamic. I’m not around to give you some opposite sex attention to boost your self esteem; no, my female friends get treated just like my male friends do.

More insults than compliments. More @rsehole encouragement than the shoulder crying ‘you too good for him’ isht. Naw, shawty, I’m not hear to hold your hand through no breakup, as your male friend, I’m here to hit you off with reality.

“Maybe you should take a pole dancing class…stretch in the mornings, so you could do some freaky isht…”

Celisea

April 6th, 2011
9:22 am

Morning

Dreams – question for you…you say: I can hang out with a woman and not be romantically involved with her. I WON’T be doing things that her man should be doing though. That’s usually the problem

Problem for you or her?

Is it just me or am I reading/hearing the men say no way, can’t do…without the “possibility” hanging somewhere around??? Wow…lol
Well I for one could do, have done and currently am doing…”friends.” Let it be known though that it becomes a REALLY uncomfortable place when you can feel and tell dude is feeling you and you ain’t feeling him like that.

Yes She Is Cute

April 6th, 2011
9:23 am

@dreams what’s up with the “free me-lo”? is he banned?

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:25 am

What is even more odd is when you tell a woman “no”. Some of them never think that someone would not want to date them and would rather keep her as a friend. I went through that when I was single. I told he no there is something strange about you that I can’t put my hand on so I would rather not have you come over for dinner tomorrow. Now she and I had been out on about 2 dates before then. Her response was “Better delete my number, wouldn’t want her to find out” (she sent me that text after I told her verbally my feelings. All that did was tell me I made the right choice. LOL

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 6th, 2011
9:26 am

“Some men are like hawks, just diving down as soon as a small animal is spotted and others are like wolves, tracking prey for days until they see an opening.”

And some are like farmers: planting seed, patiently waiting & nurturing those seed until, one day, one little seed grows into a beautiful plant. Then we f__k the plant.

Morning folks. Oh, sports update: your boy swiss pulled out a 3-set win last night & is on to the league semifinals. :-D

Reggie

April 6th, 2011
9:26 am

I don’t think men can be REAL friends with an attractive woman, because he will always wonder what she looks like naked…lol. If she is on the low end of the food chain, then he won’t be REAL friends with her because if he’s SEEN with her, people will think they are dating and no man wants that. And Purple is right. Why would a man just hang out with a woman that he has no physical attraction for? Just find a few giys and you can drink beer, talk sports, look at T & A and tell our “completely made up” war stories of how we bagged that swim suit model back in 1992.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
9:29 am

@Cel

Men and women have different energies and outlooks on life (and confrontation techniques). It’s that way naturally.

Thus, when men and women are friends, as long as both understand that there are inherent conflicts (yes, sex is included in that) in how y’all are going to see things; then no problem.

Where the issue usually lies is a female expecting her male friend to act like her female friends.

“Why would you say something to hurt my feelings?”

Male: “I, didn’t; I told you the truth – it hurt your feelings.”

COME ON NOW

April 6th, 2011
9:29 am

I have 3 REALLY good guy friends who all had romantic intentions when we first met. I nipped it in the bud early on telling them there would never be anything, that we would be better off as friends. I’ve been friends with all three for over 12 years. We all happen to be mutual friends so we all hang out. I’m treated just like one of the guys. Just like Dan said, I get jokes cracked on me everyday, all day. They tell me when I’m being stupid when it comes to other guys. They basically don’t sugar coat anything. I LOVE our friendship. They are all in long-term relationships and I’m cool with each of their girlfriends. Sometimes I do enjoy hanging out with them more than my female friends simply because there is no drama. We don’t gossip, we just talk ish. When we go out we go dutch or we pay for our own stuff. There are no boyfriend-like privileges going on over here. I honestly think that my friendship with them is very rare because most people say it can’t be done. But we’ve made it work.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 6th, 2011
9:29 am

“Maybe you should take a pole dancing class…stretch in the mornings, so you could do some freaky isht…”

Now that’s some good advice… :lol:

abc

April 6th, 2011
9:30 am

There is no such thing as strictly platonic male/female relationships. The possibility always exists, and it’s quite easy to act upon it. All you have to do is feel like it on some isolated, random date.

I suppose gay guys could be platonic friends with a chick.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:34 am

Come On Now, all 3 guys liked you, you told them that there was nothing there but friendship and now you all are mutual friends for over 12 years. Try this experiment 1) Tell them seperately that you have romantic feelings or 2) Tell them you want sex with one of them or all of them. I bet you none of them will say “NO” to either scenario. LOL

abc, I think a gay guy would want a woman every know and then if he was around her all of the time. But I agree with your initial statement.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:37 am

I’ve always considered a woman who says that they can not hang around other women or preffered to hanf around men all of the time odd. Then when they respond that women have to much drama and men do not that’s why they like to hang around guys…I then say men have been saying women have to much drama for years..but yet women say they don’t and it’s men who have drama..LOL

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
9:37 am

@abc

I knew you would chime in and with that very line of logic.

Reggie’s right, if she’s attractive; we can be friends until…if she ain’t, we good until we in public; then you gotta walk ahead of me (j/k..bnr)

Though, I don’t recall saying “platonic.” Every female friend knows that I’m a threat to knock (see earlier post: energy, male). There are comments, looks, and they know better than to wear a “freak ‘um” dress around ya boy…..rarrr.

Once she signs up for a male/female friendship she takes the good with the bad.

abc

April 6th, 2011
9:41 am

For the guys: could you be good friends with a fat and ugly girl? Really, friends? If so, WHY?

I think answers to that pretty much details the topic.

Reggie

April 6th, 2011
9:42 am

Dan’s right. Man and women relate and feel on two different levels. Women REALLY don’t want to be treated like one of the guys because we are merciless with feelings, screw ups and poor decisions/judgement….and we are OK with that. Guys tell the honest to god truth, no sugar coating, this is the reality of the situation. If I had a nickel for every time my wife said that I could have said that in a more gentle way (even though I spelled it out straight forward), I would be a millionaire. Guys that show emotional “weakness”, the ability to get your feelings hurt easily or just get upset at the slightest off color comment, are either pounded FURTHER into submission or ostrocized from the group. That’s the way we relate. It’s part of our lifestyle. Women need a friend they can detail the emotional event, describe the hurt she felt when ________ happened and have someone that feels, thinks and needs in the same way that she does. Not that there’s anything WRONG with that. It just is. Men can be “the shoulder” only for a given length of time each day.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
9:43 am

@abc

Pretty women always have an ugly friend in the circle (see previous post: esteem, self). Why not get in good with old springboard?

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:44 am

abc, I would say no. Why, because I would have never taken the time to get to know her as a friend. That’s mean, I wonder if fat ugly women have friends besides Little Debbies.

Ladies, it’s best not to be friends with guys because the majority will f**k you if given the chance. LOL

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:46 am

Yep women keep an uglier woman around so that they feel better about themselves. I wonder who is thinking if she is the ugly chick in the group. LOL

Celisea

April 6th, 2011
9:46 am

Dan – Honestly I agree with your 9:29 and I get that…seriously I do. But help me out here, is there not one (not you per se) man that’s been able to set aside our obvious differences and truly be friends, removing the underlying want of getting or becoming physical? Have any of you ever had the opportunity and for the sake of keeping a really good friend passed? Surely someone has.

MC Hammock

April 6th, 2011
9:46 am

@abc. “Could I be friends with a fat and/or ugly girl?” Nope, Nyet, Nada, negative, absolutely not, ain’t gonna happen……..unless her friend was smoking hot…..

Fion

April 6th, 2011
9:46 am

“I just wondered if it’s all or none, use me romantically or lose me as a friend.”

Sometime it is all are none. For me I’ve met women and received that speech and told them straight up, “I don’t want to be yo friend, I have other things in mind for you.” Once those facts are on the table I K.I.M. I’m on to the next hunt.

“Would it help if I fixed him up with a great girl?”

Now, here’s the tricky part for you women. If he’s any kind of Man, he won’t need your help in getting a lady. He got your attention,”Right”!
If he stays in your circle of female friends and pulls one of your girl friends “Don’t Cock Block”and get all in the way. Go somewhere and sit down.
That’s the part most women have trouble with, for those that still aren’t clear, that’s the Cock Block and sit down part.

kimmie

April 6th, 2011
9:48 am

Morning All!

I’m kinda feeling Simple’s post and Dan’s 9:19. When I have had guy friends, they are not some pseudo boyfriend. They are buddies and I appreciate them for the no-holds barred male perspective they have to offer. Like my brothers. When we are out we go dutch, like I do with my female friends and coworkers and actual brothers.

It does get sticky if someone catches feelings or gets into a romantic relationship with someone. That’s why these type of “friendships” don’t usually work very long, at least with the hanging out part. Plus, folks just get busy with the process of living life. Work, raising kids, family, etc. I barely have time to hang out with my female friends anymore. Just too busy.

Simple Man!!!!

April 6th, 2011
9:50 am

OK…. I am really amazed…. What are we still 20????

COME ON NOW

April 6th, 2011
9:50 am

Purple- I’m sure if I ever tried your little experiment that they might pounce on the idea. But I’m not going to just to prove a point. I know that if you give most people and inch they’ll take a mile. Like I said, my friendship with them is rare, the exception and NOT the norm. I’ve set boundaries with them that there will NEVER be anything romantic between us and they set boundaries with me. The boundary being that I will be treated like ONE OF THE GUYS. We’ve all accepted the terms. But I’ve never dated any of them so maybe if I had it wouldn’t be the same dynamic.

COME ON NOW

April 6th, 2011
9:53 am

Purple- I don’t see how you can call someone “odd” who SOMETIMES prefers to hang out with their male friends. There is a different dynamic that I have with both sets of friends. But to say someone is odd is kind of crazy to me

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 6th, 2011
9:53 am

@Cel

The two things aren’t mutually exclusive: sex and friendship. Especially in light of the male/female dynamic.

What usually happens is the woman can’t take that he will knock, and she decides to move on (see WD’s post – that’s her underlying concern). For the guy, he can stay around, doesn’t have to change, see other women and still knock when the opportunity arises (Swiss @9:26).

And go back to being friends in the morning.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:53 am

Men set clear lines that’s why you don’t hear us whining to much about “I don’t know what she wants” when we talk about women.

“..if i’m not your lover…if i’m not your friend…tell me baaabayy just what iiiiiiiiiii ammmmmmmmm” lol

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:55 am

It’s odd not to be able to get along with your own kind….that is crazy and odd to me. And boundaries are ment to be broken, why do you think they are there in the first place. LOL

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 6th, 2011
9:55 am

Problem for you or her?
Celisea Not a problem for me because I just won’t be available to do boyfriend type stuff. It’s usually a problem for the woman because she’s usually (not all the time) trying to have her cake and eat it too. If you want me to do the things your guy should be doing, then X your guy and let’s make us official. Can’t have it all.

dreams what’s up with the “free me-lo”? is he banned?
Yes Seems so. You can’t even type his name properly without having your post filtered. Btw, good to see read ya. Haven’t seen you on too much lately.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:56 am

Swiss, Congrats on the wins!

abc

April 6th, 2011
9:56 am

I’ve always found that the chicks who claim to prefer platonic male friends to chicks, on account of all the drama, etc., are the biggest slamhounds around. Guys accommodate them for a reason.

Simple Man!!!!

April 6th, 2011
9:56 am

Damn…The first ever Al B Sure! reference on the blog!!! LOL

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:57 am

And there is a fineline between boyfriend stuff and just being a man stuff.

Purple Rain

April 6th, 2011
9:58 am

Simple Man I thought Ready for The World sang that song. LOL

abc, I am so trying not to go there but I think you are reading my mind..