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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Not married? Here’s why

Tracy McMillan set the internet ablaze in a slightly tongue-in-cheek article on Huffington Post entitled, Why You’re Not Married. I’ve been meaning to bring this up but it came out in February and I didn’t want to depress anyone during the so-called month of love!

The more you read it, the more you realize it is equal parts tough love, reality check, and comedy.   Ladies, be warned.  We take a hit so hard in it, I think a lot of women are still recovering from it! My first reaction was, “Ouch!”  At any rate, I was amused, annoyed, and humored all at once.  Admittedly, that has not happened in awhile.

She listed one reason that made me truly think: You’re selfish.  <– This is one that rings true for me. I have always felt this was a strong reason why I haven’t seriously considered marriage with anyone.

Do you think selfishness is a problem that is keeping you single?

Did you hear about the article? What do you think of the other reasons McMillan (note, this is not the author Terry McMillan) listed as why more women aren’t married?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

268 comments Add your comment

Simple Man!!!!

April 5th, 2011
7:49 am

Enter your comments here

Simple Man!!!!

April 5th, 2011
7:50 am

Morning Folks!!! This should be interesting….

errolwint

April 5th, 2011
7:51 am

Absolutely agree with her! Right, right right….

Chink

April 5th, 2011
8:07 am

After reading the article…I have to say I might be too shallow. As much as I hate to admit it…there have been times when I have been attracted to a guy because he is very funny but don’t meet alot like that anymore.

But I also did notice those same character flaws apply to men also.

I still have time …I am in no rush. I think it boils down to timing and sometimes you just have to wait for the that perfect opportunity to meet the person who is for you.

George P Burdell

April 5th, 2011
8:14 am

McMillan’s article is interesting, but there is an easier way to say it (in my experience).
If you are a woman who says “(1) I have great friends, (2) I love my family, (3) I have a career that I am serious about, (4) but I’d really like a man in my life”, then your priorities explain why you are not married. Let me ask you ladies, would you accept a man who says (1) I love hanging out with my buddies, (2) I love my mom, (3) my job takes up a lot of my time, (4) but you can be the fourth option in my life?
Whether it is a man or a woman, if you can’t place (and keep) your life companion as the first thing in your life, then you should not be married.

Simple Man!!!!

April 5th, 2011
8:18 am

“You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds.”
Damn…she put it all out there huh???? LOL

kevin-in-atlanta

April 5th, 2011
8:21 am

Tracy McMillan is dead on right. Grow up single ladies!

Melania

April 5th, 2011
8:37 am

I’ve got a great job, my own crib, my own car, buy what I want, go where i want, shop as often as I want to and can pleasure myself….I’m not selfish..lol

  

April 5th, 2011
8:54 am

“I think it boils down to timing and sometimes you just have to wait for the that perfect opportunity to meet the person who is for you.”

You’re going to be waiting forever, then.

MC Hammock

April 5th, 2011
8:56 am

I think she makes quite a few valid points. From my perspective, it involves the ever changing emotional/mood fronts of women. But the biggest thing (IMO) is the anger/flying off the handle ability on any subject or situation, regardless of it’s size. I married a very pretty woman with a career and a strong libido. When we dated, everything I did seemed to be right. We were always happy, but I did notice that she had extremely strong opinions and convictions (nothing wrong with that at all). Her reply when we discussed it was “Well, that’s just the way I am and you can’t change who you are.” I always thought that was the biggest cop out ever. Today, she is forever stressed out about any and everything, always tired and any discussion can turn into a nuclear explosion at the drop of a hat. Her anger can go from a 2 to an 8 in about 1.02 seconds. If we were just dating right now, it would have been so easy just to walk away from it. But since we are married, I avoid bringing up certain subjects, because I know where it will end up. I do or don’t do certain things because basically, I’m avoiding the swinging of the blade. Sometimes I think that men may eventually think “Why in the hayell would I WANT to get married?” and I hear it more and more from single and divorced guys all the time. A majority women will place the blame squarely and completely in the man’s lap. It’s his fault. Both men AND women better watch out or this institution will go the way of the Dodo.

Chink

April 5th, 2011
9:04 am

Well then forever here I come!

No I am joking…if I have to keep dating until I meet the right one than so be it. Relationships come with soo many expectations once you can meet someone whose expectations align with yours it would be such a better situation.

Divorcedandluvinit

April 5th, 2011
9:07 am

I heard another woman say this and I’m inclined to agree with it. She said “Unless you want to have children, you should never, ever get married.” Just her point of view, but it bears discussion, that’s for sure.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 5th, 2011
9:08 am

“Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something — it’s about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession — a free-agent penis — and for us, it’s the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.”

↑ Cosign. :lol:

Hubby75

April 5th, 2011
9:12 am

It doesn’t matter how good a person you are or what qualities you have, no one….not ANYONE, can occupy anyone else’s attention 24 hours a day.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 5th, 2011
9:12 am

Good post, George

MC Hammock

April 5th, 2011
9:13 am

@Swiss…Cosign as well. Truer words have never been spoken about any subject.

Reggie

April 5th, 2011
9:20 am

Good point, MC. How in the world does the anger of an individual (female) that really is of the physically weaker sex, cause us to whimper and hide from it in so many different ways? If we stand up to it, we’re jerks and @ss holes. If we use it as motivation to just avoid the onslaught all together, we’re wimps. Go figure…..

Simple Man!!!!

April 5th, 2011
9:37 am

What are the odds that the blog ladies stay away from this one today…..

Honeydew

April 5th, 2011
9:38 am

@Divorcedandlovinit- This is why there will always be marriage:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Fd8_gojNXc

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 5th, 2011
9:43 am

Embrace the @sshole – it makes life easier.

MC Hammock

April 5th, 2011
9:46 am

LMAO@Simple. I agree…not a single whiff of perfume in here today. And this time, they can’t blame ALL of it on men. After all, a WOMAN wrote the dang article!

COME ON NOW

April 5th, 2011
9:47 am

Good morning,

Article was pretty spot on. The last part is ESPECIALLY true. I’m a woman and I know I have been guilty of most, if not all of the things she listed. Sometimes the truth hurts but we all need a good dose of it. Problem is, most people know how to get married. Anyone can do that. But most people don’t have a clue how to stay married. Most people are only interested in GAINING the advantage and marriage is about GIVING the advantage to your partner.

Hubby75

April 5th, 2011
9:51 am

@COME ON NOW, great post. The last part of it is a home run. Getting married is the easy part. STAYING married is a he!! of a lot of work and during some periods of time, it’s more work than pleasure.

ThTruthHurts

April 5th, 2011
9:52 am

Women have EVERYTHING at least the ones I date but they are so angry, its SAD!!
Remember what you prayed for a house, a great career, a killer wardrobe to impress other women and now taking advice from other WOMEN who couldn’t describe a man to you if her life depended on it and now you think about all those PRAYERS, none of them involved the man of your dreams, so you all have exactly what you prayed for a lonely life, cheers to you ladies!!!

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 5th, 2011
9:54 am

Good day everyone. I read this last month and it was interesting because the point that stood out the most to me was #1. We do have a lot of bitter/mad/angry people on the dating scene and they cant contain it sometimes. Whatever happened to you in the past, let it go and learn from it.

I think selfishness keeps people single to a degree but guys especially have to just open themselves up to the opporunity rather than holding back and waiting for a fantasy.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 5th, 2011
9:59 am

Morning
It usually takes an honest self-assessment to make some real progress in our lives. I think Tracy McMillan did that in her article.

SexyCool

April 5th, 2011
10:00 am

I will say what I said when I mentioned this article a few weeks ago.

This young lady obviously has no problem GETTING married. However, being that she has been married THREE TIMES, she also obviously has a problem STAYING married.

And until she can figure out how to be as successful in the STAYING part, her message has less validity.

David

April 5th, 2011
10:03 am

It may be a bit of selfishness that keeps people single, but I also think it’s a healthy dose of “I wanna remain SANE” as well. I’ll never get married, but I will be monogomous in a committed, DATING relationship. Something strange happens to people when they get married and it affects some people to a larger dgree than others. Thanks, but NO thanks…..

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 5th, 2011
10:03 am

And until she can figure out how to be as successful in the STAYING part, her message has less validity.
I can get you a job, but it’s up to you to keep it.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 5th, 2011
10:16 am

“And until she can figure out how to be as successful in the STAYING part, her message has less validity.”

I don’t know… I’d say she’s pretty much an expert on what doesn’t work, so she can speak from experience… ;-)

CMS

April 5th, 2011
10:23 am

The point about TM’s article is not about STAYING married. Too many people focus on “happily ever after” fantasy that builty Disneyland. Marriage simply is not that. The crux of her article simply provides an explination of traits single women need to conquer to get over some self inflicted hurdles to the alter.

COME ON NOW

April 5th, 2011
10:23 am

“I don’t know… I’d say she’s pretty much an expert on what doesn’t work, so she can speak from experience”

Swiss- I agree. I was a lil put off at first when she said she had been married 3 times. But as we’ve ALL said on here, MANY MANY times over, you have to go through things to be able to learn from them. So I’d say she’s done a lot of self-introspection to figure out what her problem is.

Steven Q. Stanley

April 5th, 2011
10:29 am

The author of that article nailed it. A lot of women going to die alone in a room full of cats because they refuse to accept it.

Willie Dynamite

April 5th, 2011
10:34 am

Decent article but really what is she saying that we didn’t already know (Men at least). Ok some women can be Selfish, slutty, shallow, lying batches with low self esteem. I think its safe to ASSUME the majority of Women have fit into at least one of those categories at some point in their life. To me, the biggest aspect of the article is the push for accountability. She may have been a bit too harsh or cynical for some. She will definitely get some backlash because of that and the 3 marriages. Its knee jerk to shoot the messenger. What it does do however is maybe open a few Womens eyes and start looking from within.

It is good from a Mans pov to at least get some deflection. Heyal we all know it still our fault. Probably before Lunch we’ll get the Lions share of the blame.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 5th, 2011
10:35 am

To be fair, there are plenty of dudes who are going to die alone in a room full of beer & p0rn because they don’t have what it takes to make a marriage work. The difference is, they are perfectly happy with that. :lol:

Iggy Pop

April 5th, 2011
10:37 am

I agree about the anger part and being so defensive. For the life of me, I just don’t get the harboring of all the hurts and bad experiences and then using someone else that had nothing to do with them as a whipping post. Using them as learning tools? Absolutely! Using them as a chip on your shoulder and treating anything with a drop of testosterone as a target of that anger? ’scuse me but this model is defective…NEXT!

Steven Q. Stanley

April 5th, 2011
10:38 am

That’s right swiss, lots of dudes are content to die alone. The day a female takes her first steps she starts dreaming about walking down the aisle. And many of them will never get to for the reason outlined in this article. Of course they will ignore it and continue down the path of loneliness.

Angermanagement

April 5th, 2011
10:40 am

It is always, always, always, always, ALWAYS the man’s fault. Come here, snookums…only you understand me…..*meow….

kimmie

April 5th, 2011
10:43 am

Good morning all! Glad to see you all made it thru the awful storms last night.

I read this article when it was on Huff Post since I am a pretty regular reader. It was interesting. A lot was tongue-in-cheek and really based on her experience. Some points were valid.

I guess the problem I have with the whole discussion is that it’s a little old-fashioned. It’s almost assuming something is wrong with the woman if she is not married. And it’s also assuming she has to do all the changing to accommodate a man. A man whom, after she’s done all this changing and adjusting, may or may not still want to marry her. I see women every day that are, quote unquote, doing the WRONG things and guess what? Not only are they married, their husbands appear to worship the ground they walk on!

I decided long time ago to be me. Either a dude can roll with that or not. One has decided he can roll with it, June 4 2011!

Willie Dynamite

April 5th, 2011
10:44 am

We do have a portion of the female population that thankfully doesn’t buy into the fairytale. We also have a growing portion of the female population that doesn’t want to get Married. Some of their reasoning may be because of 1 or more of the items in the article. Nevertheless marriage is not the goal for every woman.

kimmie

April 5th, 2011
10:49 am

Simple/MC – We get bashed on here daily, yet most of us blog ladies don our blog vests and go to battle. This little discussion on an article 2 months old isn’t enough to scare us away.

And ole Cat Man Steve is always good for a laugh!! :lol:

MC Hammock

April 5th, 2011
10:51 am

Hi kimmie, I think that the crux of the article was that women (and a lot of society)assume that if there is something wrong with the relationship or that the man decides against it than HE is the one with the “unwilling to commit”, “Unable to be faithful”, “too selfish” or “just wants to sleep with as many women as he can”. While many men do fall into those catagories, it ain’t just the men that need to re-evaluate. These are valid points and many men concur to them. The problem is when someone, whether it be a man or a woman, DOES point a finger in the woman’s direction, she completely shuts it down, discounts it and continues on her merry way. If you tell them something they don’t want to hear, they don’t receive it. This article just states another point of view.

Mike P

April 5th, 2011
10:51 am

I am not sure about other guys but the only time I feel loneliness is right after being heartbroken… I’ve never felt loneliness because I was single. Women on the other hand are afraid of being single too long because it seems to make them feel the loneliness.

What I don’t understand is; why do women behave in a manner and make decisions contrary to what they seem to want and need in their personal lives? Its almost like most women don’t consider/plan their futures (relationships) until its too late; but expect to have it all. Please blog folk, help on me on this.

SexyCool

April 5th, 2011
10:53 am

I disagree. Having the knowledge of how to GET married, but not STAY married is like winning a million dollar jackpot and being broke in a year.

And yeah…I went back to read the article to see if I somehow missed the “what not to do” of it all….and she says nothing about why her first two marriages ended and as to her third she says that HE was the liar and the cheat. So, whereas she takes all kinds of credit for knowing the things to do that will get you married, she offers no explanation as to why she cannot stay married.

And really what’s the point of getting married if you can’t stay married? (That’s a serious question since this is what the article and today’s post is about.)

For Real aka MC Daequan

April 5th, 2011
10:53 am

“And until she can figure out how to be as successful in the STAYING part, her message has less validity.” – The title of the article is WHY YOUR’RE NOT MARRIED not how to stay married. Comment on the topic and stop creating a new topic.

Oh and for all those people that like to mention that person isn’t qualified to speak about something because the failed at, remember this idiom “Failure is the mother of success”.

SexyCool

April 5th, 2011
10:57 am

WillieD – but really, I appreciate her points. I agree that she points out things that a lot of women are getting wrong. I have no issue with the GETTING part of her equation. But I am one who has not ever had a problem getting a man, I just want some insight into maintaining a successful, mutually satisfying relationship from someone who is succeeding at the staying part of it all.

But…if she who, if we believe what she implies, is not a b*tch, not shallow, not a slut, not a liar, not selfish and is good enough cannot stay married, why can’t she KEEP a man?

SexyCool

April 5th, 2011
10:58 am

Why are you not married? You’re dating For Real.

aCasualObserver

April 5th, 2011
11:01 am

Some points:
-So I have a friend who is very attractive (fine as all outdoors), very educated (advanced degrees), good with money, etc. She likes to have gatherings at her place. Every single time the night ends with the stragglers sitting around & the question inevitably gets to “there are no good men”. The funny thing is that she always starts these conversations and one time, she pulled out a list, that was two pages, of the qualities she wanted in a guy. I looked at it and I was eliminated after reading the first 5 traits. So I inevitably asked her what does he get in return and her reply led by her big beaming smile was “a beautiful black princess” ***crickets***
She obviously didn’t realize how selfish and unrealistic it was of her to have two pages of traits of what she needed in a man, while being unable to articulate anything about what she had to offer. This article reminded me of her soooooooooooo much…..

-Also, the number of people in the comments section bringing up the fact that the writer was “married three times but couldn’t keep a man herself” (<–paraphrased) stands out. Well, the writer knows exactly what she is talking about and be thankful that someone who has been in the "battle" is back to tell about it. Most people in the "battle", especially those who are happy, are diverting their energies towards maintaining their marriage rather than dishing out advice to random people. Take heed to what the author writes.

kimmie

April 5th, 2011
11:04 am

The problem is when someone, whether it be a man or a woman, DOES point a finger in the woman’s direction, she completely shuts it down, discounts it and continues on her merry way.

MC – I’m only speaking for myself here, but unless it’s someone I TRULY RESPECT giving me advice, with love, me as a grown woman ain’t hearing it. I’m so sick of everybody thinking they are an expert and need to give women advice because according to everyone, we have it all wrong. Yes, a person is insane if they keep doing things the same and expect a different result.

As for the topic being “why” versus “staying” married, this is another area where mixed messages are given. Women are accused to often of being too caught up in the wedding and the size of the diamond, and the fairytales. We’re accused of not caring enough about the actual relationship and the marriage and what it will take to make it work. Well now when some of us are actually asking those pertinent questions up front, then we’re going off topic.

Whatever!

For Real aka MC Daequan

April 5th, 2011
11:06 am

Kimmie:

1. “It’s almost assuming something is wrong with the woman if she is not married.” – No the article doesn’t make that assumption. The article doesn’t make any assumptions at all. The title clearly states “Why You’re Not Married”. Like said to Sexycool, stop creating a new topic and discuss the article.

2. “And it’s also assuming she has to do all the changing to accommodate a man.” – Again, that’s not what the article said. The article stated 1) You’re a Bytch, 2) You’re Shallow, 3) You’re a Slut, 4) You’re a liar, 5) You’re Selfish, 6) You’re Not Good Enough – Nothing about she has to do all the changing to accommodate a man. She simply mentioned that men that marry don’t like the list.

3. “A man whom, after she’s done all this changing and adjusting, may or may not still want to marry her. I see women every day that are, quote unquote, doing the WRONG things and guess what?” – Again, has absolutely nothing to do with the article she wrote. You creating a new topic.