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Dating: If you use me, you lose me

If single people listed their top 10 most annoying things about dating in Atlanta, I would bet that being used ranks pretty high. There is no way to get around it, and many of us are guilty of it ourselves.

Going out on a date with someone you have absolutely no physical attraction to because you are bored? You, my friend are a user. Keeping someone around for pseudo-dating because they make a great arm ornament? Yep, use. use. use.

So if it happens so much, and we are all guilty of it, is it always a bad thing? How is it avoidable? How would you feel if someone you met and really liked, used you for a specific come up. Would it be a deal breaker?

I am often asked by guy friends for help in recognizing when they are being used by women. Ladies, can you give men tips on when women are using them? What ways have you used a guy, and did it backfire? If so, how did you pay for it later?

Guys  how can you advise a woman when a guy is using her for personal gain? (I know, this means you may to confess your romantic crimes and put yourself on blast)

Aren’t two people who really like each other supposed to rely on one another if they are able to provide something? Shouldn’t men be able to show how he can protect, provide, and support a woman? Shouldn’t a woman be able to demonstrate how she can be dependable, nurturing, and reliable for her man?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

156 comments Add your comment

BL

April 4th, 2011
7:29 am

Nothing wrong with that…just be forthcoming. If a guy or a gal needs a “date” for an office party or some such social event, just say it. As long as both parties understand what’s really going on, there’s no foul.

czBrat

April 4th, 2011
7:55 am

HiYas!

just be forthcoming. If a guy or a gal needs a “date” for an office party or some such social event, just say it.

it should be that simple, BL. but then dude decides to go for more in spite of the ‘agreement’ and name-calling ensues.

oh well. live ‘n learn.

and guys, if she has absolutely zero interest in any aspect of your life that does not involve her in some way, you’re being used.

CoolShadow

April 4th, 2011
7:56 am

In “relationships”, we often use people for some personal gain; when the using is reciprocated and treated as a privilege, trust is then established. The problem comes in when the phenomena of using is not mutually beneficial to both parties and/or there’s a misalignment in agendas, in which those states of disequilibrium create a situation where one party is being used or played.

To extend yourself emotionally, physically, financially, etc., to someone in order to display dependability, worthiness and reliability is to potentially expose yourself to being used. How the other party responds will determine whether your actions are being treated as the development of trust or you’re being used.

Simple Man!!!!

April 4th, 2011
8:09 am

Morning all….Funny Depending on what I am getting out of the deal, I don’t have a problem “being used”…I generally recognize when a date is going from feeling to using, so I try to shift my expectations accordingly….

SexyCool

April 4th, 2011
8:14 am

Using a person is something that I carefully guarded against when I was actively dating. Even if it wasn’t a love connection, I had enough respect for the person to not want to take advantage of him.

Big Dawg Cobb

April 4th, 2011
8:14 am

As a male I think a lot of female daters are users these days. It seems to me that women enjoy running up a big alcohol tab on a first date. Take a women to dinner these days and she orders either a salad or the most expensive seafood plate. Either way she proceeds to pound down 4 to 6 10 dollar drinks.

Funny thing is after dinner she suggests we go out for a drink. I’d be interested in knowing how many female first date DUI’s happen?

Folks want too much, but give little in return

April 4th, 2011
8:16 am

CZ Brat’s final line describes it best. Another way to see if you’re being used is if you’re always being summoned at the last minute. Text at 430 for a 7pm date…..means someone else probably cancelled. The person contacting you is scrambling and you better believe calls went out elsewhere or will go out elsewhere if you decline.

In the end, Bill Withers’ line holds true, “I wanna spread the news…that if it feels this good getting used……you just keep on using me……..until you use me up” If it doesnt feel good to be used…it wont last. If the using transmits to a redeemable quality…it has a chance to last because there is some good out of it.

czBrat

April 4th, 2011
8:27 am

Diva makes a good point. do we call it using only when there is no reciprocal emotional interest, but if we’re ‘in love’ then all is exactly as it should be?

Folks want too much, but give little in return

April 4th, 2011
8:32 am

In love and a committed relationship are different from “dating.” If youre in love, its sacrifice for your partner….if it’s in the “dating” unclear commitment phase, then it’s an evening with an attention starved person.

czBrat

April 4th, 2011
8:41 am

since your moniker fits so well, Folks, i’ll ask you directly. in a loving, committed relationship where one person loves the other more and, therefore, probably sacrifices more (albeit willingly) is there still some using going on?

Reggie

April 4th, 2011
8:41 am

Depending on what you were being used for. I’ve used other women and I have been used. Doesn’t bother me that much unless it comes face to face with outright disrespect. I’ve been used by women to get into a certain party or event, to get a free meal, etc. If you hear the “Let’s just go out as friends.” tab and you wanted it to be more….disengage, brothah. If I just wanted a companion to hang with, I’ll get another guy and won’t have to pay his tab. I’ve also used women because I thought they were hot or because I KNEW that they like to sleep around. it works both ways. Establish the rules, state the conditions and then let both parties decide whether or not to go forward. Isn’t that what dating is all about? Trial and error? It is what it is and you shouldn’t get all bent up about it too badly if it happens to you. It happens to everyone. Just learn and move on.

OMG

April 4th, 2011
8:45 am

Dating is a “trial run” and too many people take it too seriously, like each date is seeing if you want to marry that person. Lighten up and live life. I’m a divorced woman and it happens….big deal. I’ve done it and I’ve had it done to me. You win some and you lose some. Welcome to this place lots of us like to call REALITY. If you are just out checking off boxes with each date just to decide if you want to marry them, you’re missing about 3/4 of the idea. Like I said, lighten up and stop taking everything so seriously.

MC Hammock

April 4th, 2011
8:52 am

I loved dating light heartedly and just seeing what developed. People everywhere use other people everywhere. The first date is a “using “phase where you are just feeling them out as to whether they are 1) undatable, 2) great person, but just for fun or 3) great person and I’d like to go out with them and find out more. My dates are doing that to me, as well. So what? Some of the best times I’ve had were just light hearted and nothing serious. We may see each other again and we may not. Sometimes we roll around in the hay and others we don’t. If you want to take it a step further, but they don’t, the rules have just been stated and you decide what to do then…take it or leave it. I don’t see the big, scandalous, emotionally traumatic deal here. Be big boys and girls of you want to play big boys and girls games. It could be lots of fun inspite of yourself.

Folks want too much, but give little in return

April 4th, 2011
8:55 am

There is ALWAYS using going on CZ, just not at the appropriate level or fairness to the other party. Give and take has a gray area. To be used by someone I love, not all that bad…..to be used by random dater who just met me…. I’d hate to feel like Im wasting my time and resources.

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
8:58 am

Been there, done that….and had it done to me. I lived, got over it and got back in the game. No biggie. I used to have guy friends that would (I guess) be classified as “using”, but I was doing the same thing to them. It’s when one person wants to take the next step and the other either does or doesn’t I don’t get emotionally invested for many, many dates. I enjoy the moment, savor the experience and the next day, I make my call. I prefer to live life and smell the flowers as I go. if something develops from it, it develops. if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

NY state of mind

April 4th, 2011
9:00 am

Morn Fam- I can only speak of my personal experience. I live in NYC where MTA is commonly used as a means of trasnportation- with that said you have a better chance of dating a man w/o a car than with one. I’ve had a permit since age 15. I have owned several cars and I can honestly say that I have dated a man in NYC or NYS that didn’t own his own vehicle. This has become a MAJOR problem for me due to the fact I felt as if I was being used for my vehicle- No it wasn’t and isnt now a fancy fancy whip but its mine. The man I met was taking mass transit and/or taxi cabs just fine in the beginning now all of sudden he has a problem with the bus and trains and need for me to drive him everywhere…I cared for him but I wasnt about to take care of him. He had money to buy his own car but did not because I had one. The relationship seemed as if it were a one-way street with me driving him around and putting more into the relationshio than him. So I ended the relationship.

czBrat

April 4th, 2011
9:16 am

well said, Folks. also luvin the light hearted approach to dating, MC. what’s the point if you’re not having fun!?!

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 4th, 2011
9:20 am

To use someone without their consent is a breach of trust.

I found that being upfront, honest, and providing “informed consent” made thing easier back when I was actively dating. (thanks for that line SC).

But the feeling of being used is one that you never.quite.shake. Because it means this person actively played you for what amounted to a minor gain (in the realm of a lifetime). And being aware of the potential usury nature makes one gunshy, but you can’t love half heartedly, so there’s the risk management.

Ion know, this is a toughy; I can literaly see both side to the argument.

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 4th, 2011
9:22 am

@WD

Shame on you for thinking anyone on this blog is less than perfect, never been hurt, never been duped, or has less than a stellar dating record.

You know that “the timing wasn’t [ever] right”

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
9:36 am

goof morning, dan. I agree with you. While eventually it may develop into something, it has to start off being fun and light hearted in the beginning for the ship to begin it’s cruise. I HATE when people (and we women are notorious for this) think they are in love after a couple of dates or immediately start talking about 1)how they are ready for a relationship, 2) start talking about wht they plan to do differently so their NEXT relationship to be better than the last one or 3) start talking about what they want in their next husband/wife. Listen, it’s our first/second date. Laugh, be fun take me dancing and gimme a kiss, willya? Jeese……

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 4th, 2011
9:41 am

Morning, blogville…

On topic: Leggs & Slim used me for my cunning linguist skills, then threw me away like a cheap man-ho. I was fine with it.

Rafael Nadal

April 4th, 2011
9:49 am

I’ve found that the biggest “users” are married people for obvious reasons and being a guy, I’ve got mucho experience from the fairer side. Didn’t bother me a bit…in fact, I was quite fond of it.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 4th, 2011
9:52 am

Tough match yesterday, Rafa

SlimNumeroUno

April 4th, 2011
9:56 am

swiss – Now if you gone tell it, tell it right. You were the one walking around tombout “Keep on using me until you use me up”. Plus your cunning linquist skills are far better than that Rosetta Stone ;-)

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 4th, 2011
9:57 am

Morning
Everyone uses. It has a negative connotation so people generally don’t like to admit that they do it, but they do. This happens in every aspect of life. It’s no big deal though. Life is good, and dating is fun. Enjoy it for what it is. What good is the destination if the journey was he!!?

Rafael Nadal

April 4th, 2011
9:58 am

@Swiss, yep…Novak’s on a roll. Hard to stop him at this point. Have to see if he’s gonna come back down outta the clouds before the French.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 4th, 2011
10:04 am

Rafa — My $$ is still on you for the French… Don’t let me down, bro….

“Plus your cunning linquist skills are far better than that Rosetta Stone”

Slim — Awww, thanks, boo… :lol:

Fion

April 4th, 2011
10:10 am

“What good is the destination if the journey was he!!? ”

Well, if ya gonna go through “hell”, keep on going!

Dan - Simply....Superior

April 4th, 2011
10:10 am

@Dreams/KOB

I agree that everyone uses, no doubt.

However, no one ever wants to feel used; and that’s where the “issues” arise.

OMG

April 4th, 2011
10:13 am

Hard to beat a “cunning linquist” with fine skills. I could become a regular “user”…LOL

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
10:18 am

Dan, I see your point, but it’s pretty unavoidable at some point. My stance is that don’t collapse in a heap and sob about it or hate ALL men or women just because it happened. if happened before and it will happen again. It’s like cutting the grass. I don’t like tha allergies, but if you want a nice lawn, ya gotta cut the grass. Some call it a necessary evil. Know that it’s there and do the best you can with the hand that you’re dealt.

Simple Man!!!!

April 4th, 2011
10:18 am

Off topic just a bit…Reading the article about Matt Ryan getting Married this weekend and folks are killing him cause his wife is ” Less than attractive” (Butt ugly)

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
10:20 am

I really feel it’s how you HANDLE it when you suspect or know that you are being used. My favorite response is to tuen it around on them. Just getting mad about it and cursing the world isn’t gonna help matters one bit.

Rafael Nadal

April 4th, 2011
10:21 am

@Simple. It’s called a “butterface”. Everything looks fine, “but her face.”…LOL

M. (pronouced M dot)

April 4th, 2011
10:26 am

Monday…

Everybody has been used or the user. It just happens. Lately, there is this new girl I met and I thought she was cool and we went out on 3 dates that I set up. My problem with her is, I only really here from her when I reach out to her. Therefore, I dont really think she is interested. I think women do use guys mainly because they are always getting approached so they can have their pick and have different guys for different things.

Guys how can you advise a woman when a guy is using her for personal gain?

I think women should know they are being used when he really only reaches out to you at the last minute, its always late and if they are always doing home activities with you.

Simple Man!!!!

April 4th, 2011
10:26 am

KOB….I thik its been said before, As long as one is getting something out of the deal, wheres the harm? I am always tickled by the ones that go in head first and are surprised to look up and find that they are being played…

Celisea

April 4th, 2011
10:26 am

Morning,

This one is not hard. Folks wanting something for nothing are users. Point blank, period. Chances and taking chances, all with good intentions are not. You have to allow vunerability if you ever expect to get anywhere, that’s a given. People are much more in tune than willing to say…..a person knows fully when they’re using versus going all in but it just didn’t happen. Chalking things up to experience and cutting your losses are a part of life….so is having the experience of getting used but they’re not the same. If you don’t intend on going all the way, if you know your intents didn’t align or you swing it until the person comes to realize you’re just getting what you can, you’re a user.

kimmie

April 4th, 2011
10:30 am

Morning Gang!

I was never into the whole going out with a guy I was not attracted to to get a free meal, to get out of the house, etc. It was always in the back of my head that the guy would want a kiss and possibly another date and if I could not see myself doing either, no go. I’m no saint, but I never got into that. Actually a few of my friends couldn’t understand why I’d rather just go dateless. I am not a good actress at all. I can’t hide how I feel (or don’t feel) very well. Yes, I have asked guys I only liked as friends to work functions and I made my intentions quite clear up front – even went dutch like I do with all friends. Some tried to take it a step further – turned my stomach. I’ve just found it more trouble than it’s worth. So I would roll solo or with girlfriends until I met someone whose potential kiss would not repulse me.

As for free meals, nothing is free. And I can make do on a peanut butter sandwich. I got plenty family and friends that would feed me if I was hungry. Don’t need to use some dude to eat.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 4th, 2011
10:32 am

Well, if ya gonna go through “hell”, keep on going!
Yeah but some people make their own journey he!!, overanalyzing things, making every situation a 911 emergency. I don’t see why people do that. When it’s all said and done, I want to be able to say I enjoyed my life and made the most of it.

However, no one ever wants to feel used;
Dan Happens to the best of us. If you can avoid it, then avoid it. Otherwise, your best bet is to minimze the impact. Like you said…risk management.

czBrat

April 4th, 2011
10:34 am

Folks wanting something for nothing are users. Point blank, period. Chances and taking chances, all with good intentions are not.
luv it!!

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
10:42 am

“Some people want to go through life unscathers, unbruised and lying down in the casket all nice and pretty. Not me. When I go, I want to come to the casket, sliding in sideways, face muddied and scratched, clothes worn and used, a martini in one hand and a beer in the other proclaiming “Life…..WOW, what a ride!”

knockoutblonde

April 4th, 2011
10:43 am

oops….”unscathed”…sorry

Willie Dynamite

April 4th, 2011
11:01 am

Morning All,

As most have stated i think it is definitely part of the deal. Your job during the dating and discovery phase is to find out as soon as possible if what you are involved in fits the criteria. The problem with the user is that they have honed there skills are are quite adept at hiding that fact. Plus the same problem with the Usee is that a lot of times you hold out thinking that person will come around. By that time you are officially a Sponsor.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

April 4th, 2011
11:15 am

Okay, now, being a DAWG fan, my hate for the gators runs deep, but this is just some bullsh!t… C’mon, man! You gotta arrest a dude for Viagra? :lol:

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 4th, 2011
11:30 am

Man where is everyone. Don’t you all know that I “use” the blog to fulfill my entertainment needs while at work. Rahahahaha, I’m soooo devious.

Simple Man!!!!

April 4th, 2011
11:33 am

Here I am already to be used and abused, and there are no women on board to make that happen…WTH???? :(

Willie Dynamite

April 4th, 2011
11:33 am

DreamsMat – how was your weekend man? It was so nice out. I just enjoyed being a spectator while out n about.

MC Hammock

April 4th, 2011
11:37 am

dadgum….sounds like crickets in here……not a drop of estrogen in sight.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

April 4th, 2011
11:40 am

Hey what’s good WillieD. The weekend on point. Hit the game Friday night and watched the Hawks bring it to the Celtics. Was out and about on Saturday. Took babygirl fishing Sunday. Looks like another nice one today…about to get out there and enjoy the sights.

Willie Dynamite

April 4th, 2011
11:43 am

Aww man, great minds think alike. I took my lil girl fishing for a few Sunday as well. She’s getting pretty good (read;arrogant) with the Rod skills. I think she just likes casting and could care less about whether she gets a fish.