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Dating dilemma: Their representative left, now what?

Have you ever reached the 90 day mark in a new romance and start to notice a new personality emerging?  Don’t be alarmed! That’s just the representative leaving and the real person showing up. Occasionally you get lucky and the representative closely resembles the real person.

Sadly, there are other times when that “dating representative” may as well have been a paid actor hired to lure you into a false sense of security and relationship bliss.  You then have to make a choice: Do you decide to give the real person a shot or do you bail on the potentially good/bad ride you are about to take?

How do you know when the “real person” is worth the same amount of time and investment you gave their representative?

Do you think that it’s hard to show all your true sides when you first meet someone? Is it possible to date without having that “representative” show up at all?

How real do you get when it comes to letting someone new in your life get to know your authentic self?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

539 comments Add your comment

COME ON NOW

March 25th, 2011
7:50 am

Good morning,

Yeah, I mentioned this in my first post yesterday. My ex turned out to be totally different than who he portrayed himself to be in the beginning. And who he really was I didn’t like so I bounced. I don’t believe that when you meet someone you can show them ALL of your “true sides” because there are many layers to every person. HOWEVER, what many people seem to do is perpetrate and in some cases blatently lie about things. There’s a difference between putting your best foot forward when pursuing someone and pretending to be something you’re not. Many people do the latter. I make a conscious effort to be as authentic as I can be from the jump. And I definitely WATCH the actions of the person I’m dating because talk is cheap. One thing I know for sure though…the truth ALWAYS comes out. If you choose to ignore it that’s on you.

Lady~TGIF!

March 25th, 2011
8:03 am

Happy Friday MIA Crew!!!!! :)

Ice

March 25th, 2011
8:06 am

Question 2 the guys…If u met a female who said she was in an “open relationship”..would u still pursue her or avoid it all together…how would u think of her?

MC Hammock

March 25th, 2011
8:40 am

I think that happens 90% of the time. Everyone is on their best, most personable and pleasing behavior when they first date, or even the entire time that they are dating. After some point (or when they get married) the real person surfaces and sometimes it’s a ride you didn’t sign up for. When you’re dating, it’s easy to remedy that fix. If you’re married when it happens, that train has done run. I try to be the same all the time and don’t put up any airs at any time. I’m sure I’m not exactly right in my analysis of myself, but it’s what I try to be. I think many people would call it the ‘ol “bait n switch” routine.

Ice, I have been in that situation once when I was in my mid thirties. The lady was beautiful and had an outrageous libido. She told me that her hubby and her had an open relationship and all either had to do was introduce the “prospective partner” to the other and get their approval. I met him and it was pretty wierd. But this lady was balls to the wall. A bonafide porn star in the making. Never met a woman that was so into any and everything that had to do with sex. There was nothing she didn’t enjoy or want to try at least once. No dating, no dinners, she would just call me up a few times a week and it was at her office or at her home. The hubby had one on the side as well. We kept the arrangement for about 4 months until she and her hubby were transferred (work) to Orlando. I believe that was my 15 minutes of “This is just too good to be true”.

IN DENIAL

March 25th, 2011
8:52 am

The chances of the Rep returning is slim & none. The problem is convincing ourselves that”we know it’s in them” and “If only they would be like that again”. Kind of keeps you hanging on when you really should have left with the rep. Take it from someone who is there right now because of the Rep.I married the rep & the rep got ghost on me. Now, in retrospect, I’m divorcing someone I never really liked in the first place.

MC Hammock

March 25th, 2011
9:05 am

^5’s IN DENIAL. Truer words have never been spoken…

knockoutblonde

March 25th, 2011
9:09 am

If the guy I am seeing starts to turn, I first let them know that I see it and ask what gives. If they say nothing is wrong and he’s just the same as he’s always been, I let him know that from my perspective, it’s not. If he persists (a couple of weeks) and there’s no visible reason for this change (work, family, etc.), then I’m off to the races. Life is much too short to spend that much time with someone that you don’t want to be around. After the personality changes, there is very little chance that he will change back for any length of time. What you see is the real him.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:10 am

With me what you see is what you get. If you don’t like it oh well don’t try to change me it won’t work. Stubborn as a Bull. I can’t stand liars/fake people. If you don’t like yourself how can you expect me to like you??

Another thing I can’t stand are those multiple personality representatives…sometimes I don’t even know who they are depending on the time of the day. And can’t stand a moody guy huge turn off for me…maybe he was bipolar ..who knows!

In Denial

Tough situation…

knockoutblonde

March 25th, 2011
9:12 am

And the same goes for the “hers”. People may SAY that they haven’t changed, I’m still the same, etc., but perception my friend, IS reality. You can argue, debate, justify and rationalize. But what your partner sees is the real you. Any person will think that they themslevs haven’t changed….but you have.

COME ON NOW

March 25th, 2011
9:15 am

Well the good thing is, most people can’t keep up the charade for too long. Hopefully the jig is up before you get married. But I know too many situations where the writing is on the wall, in plain english, and the person simply chooses to ignore or starts a whishin and a hopin things will change. If that’s the case then don’t get mad when you’re miserable because you asked for it.

Leggs

March 25th, 2011
9:15 am

Good morning.

Do you think that it’s hard to show all your true sides when you first meet someone? What you see is what you get. I just don’t put it all out there first encounter. My straightforwardness may be a turn off, so I may tone done the character which is me.

Is it possible to date without having that “representative” show up at all? To give a fair answer, I would have to say NO. It’s like most things in life, you don’t want to put all your cards on the table at once. I don’t pretend to be something I’m not, but I’m also not going to tell you everything about me on that first date. Some of my kinks and vices will be discovered as we discover each other.

O/T ~ Me.lo says to tell everyone hello. He’s still in Africa with family. Yep, he emailed me Africa…guess he really doesn’t have a life (LOLOLOL).

Reggie

March 25th, 2011
9:18 am

I think we can all agree that women are the more emotional and moody of the genders. Men can be that way, but by and large stay the way that they were, complete with all of the undesireable traits as well. It’s difficult for a man to change or to get a man to change. Women change the rules, moods, conditions, restrictions daily…for good or for bad. Men can start off as Price Charming and once he feels secure, revert back to Jim Belushi in Animal House. Women start off very pleasing, but as they get secure, the emotionality and moodiness becomes more apparant, because they FEEL comfortable expressing them. Many times, both transformations can make the other person think “Holy crap, what in the heck have I done by even considering being with this person?”

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:22 am

@KOB
Good points

You know the thing that gets me, is when you bring it up to them they look at you like you’re crazy and it’s all your imagination and paranoia.
When I get that response, I turn into Omar the “Nomad” and I’m off on my Camel

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:23 am

COME

Its funny because sometimes it takes a couple of dips on the roller coaster before you realize …wait ..hey I am not happy with this! Especially when its with someone who always tries to make it up to you. And unfortunately that could take years.

Me I give myself self imposed cutoffs because after a certain amount of time has passed no more sorries …I know too many people who wasted 5-10 years of their lives on some crap.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 25th, 2011
9:26 am

Morning all…

Me.lo’s back in Africa & he took time to email you, Leggs? I figured he’d have been busy trying to recruit more wives for his harem… Unless…. :!: :lol:

Raqi V

March 25th, 2011
9:27 am

It’s not always an issue of misrepresentation but more so a matter of having to get to a point where you can be comfortable around each other. Once the comfort set in we tend to feel more relaxed do kick off our shoes be free. Finding out a person is grouchy or mean sometimes is not misrepresentation in my opinion. That’s just a matter of not having yet come across them on that day or them being in a situation that shows that side yet. My quirkiness was never hidden, but that does not mean every man I dated or went out with got to see that side of me.

As I see it misrepresenting yourself is things like lying about what you do for a living and where you work. Your level of education. Wearing beauty enhancers that are not noticeable by the naked eye that completely change the way you look and really are (i.e…wigs, constrictors, lifters, and so on). As well as lying about your living situation and arrangements. And there is the mere matter of lying about some hobbies and interests because it’s popular and you want to appear cultured or interesting which is usually the biggest form of misrepresentation.

Why are people so afraid to be themselves? Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, blame it all on society. But heck are not we all a part of society. If more people just be themselves without fear of not being accepted then the reins will be pulled back in and the social ceilings lowered and people can be themselves.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:29 am

Reggie

What do you mean feel comfortable expressing them?? In what scenario?

Celisea

March 25th, 2011
9:31 am

MC Hammock – I have been in that situation once when I was in my mid thirties.

If I may ask, married at the time…you that is?

Crystal Marie

March 25th, 2011
9:31 am

I think this is true… to a certain extent. But, often times, even before “the representative” retires, you see snapshots of the real person briefly. Remember when he lied and said, “I promise I made a reservation, it must have just been lost in the restaurant’s system….” that’s a quick peek at his real self, someone who lies to cover their self. But at the time, we’re mad at Morton’s.

If someone legitimately becomes a wholly different person, well then you’re dealing with someone with MPD. (Multiple personality disorder) Unless you’re a psychiatrist, I say you walk away.

good post!

http://www.awordorthree.com

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:32 am

Raqi V
“Why are people so afraid to be themselves?”

First off, glad to see you are recovering.

To answer your question Raqi its just one simly word “INSECURITY”.

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:33 am

meant Simply

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:34 am

Raqi

I wish the misrepresentation were things like that too me they always have been personality driven and actions not things that can be easily investigated.

Raqi V

March 25th, 2011
9:34 am

To give a fair answer, I would have to say NO
Leggs, I don’t agree with that ^. Because not all people misrepresent themselves to potentials or interests. Some things it’s just not the time and place to do something and we aren’t always faced with issues that allow a certain side of us to be seen.

I can be a cut-throat callous b!tch when I need to be, but just because I didn’t tell every guy that asked me out that information on the first date or seventh doesn’t mean I presented a representative.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 25th, 2011
9:39 am

Morning

Everyone has a representative to some degree or another, and there’s nothing wrong with that since by definition something that is representative is supposed to mirror the real thing. It’s when your date personality is NOT representative of the real one that presents a problem.

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:40 am

@Celisea
“If I may ask, married at the time…you that is”

……..as Celisea blows cigarette and shines the lamp light in MCH’s face

ease up on MCH

Celisea

March 25th, 2011
9:41 am

ha ha ha Fion…I was just asking. Maybe wifey was cool with that setup.

MC Hammock

March 25th, 2011
9:41 am

@Celisia, no I was not married. I was between marriages.

Celisea

March 25th, 2011
9:42 am

Gotcha MC Hammock…I was only asking

abc

March 25th, 2011
9:43 am

This ‘representative’ stuff is something that’s a constant on the blog. I have to figure, where the h3ll do you meet these people?! I would suggest looking elsewhere.

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:43 am

Celisea

March 25th, 2011
9:45 am

Fion – No detective here :)

knockoutblonde

March 25th, 2011
9:45 am

Raqi V, I disagree with you. While the other aspects (job, living arrangements, etc) are vital, those aspects are easy to find out about and usually found out about quickly. All of the misrepresenation in your personality and quirks is exactly where the misrepresentation happens. Sure you can be mad, but if it’s over small items, if you are suddenly constantly a grouch, if your mood swings create an arc the size of Texas, if you are TOO opinionated, THAT’S what I take issue with. Physical things are easy to weed out. It’s the personality problems that can be hidden for a while, but come out when you feel like you have them. That is what I consider inexcusable and unpardonable.

MC Hammock

March 25th, 2011
9:47 am

I’m quite sure most would consider it morally wrong, but I wouldn’t trade those four months for anything. I was LIVIN DA DREAM! From a man’s perspective, anyway.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:47 am

I would agree with you but I don’t think its where (not a club/streets etc)its the who part that’s the problem.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:48 am

abc 9:47 was responding to you.

Raqi V

March 25th, 2011
9:48 am

Thank you Fion.

I agree that insecurity feed into it. But I think that insecurity stems from the misconceptions of being made to feel like you are subpar because you don’t fit into a certain mold.

There is so much stuff people put wasted time and efforts into because it popular or supposedly mainstream when the truth is they would be happier doing something else.

I remember many times going to the clubs with my friend girls when clubbing has never really been my thing. But it was popular and to be seen at ABC, Inc. was the way to be. I am so glad I matured out of that stage of life. LOL I would much rather have been flying a kite (Literally. I loved to fly kites. LOL) or baking cookies that be at some of those places.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
9:49 am

knockout I agree

SexyCool

March 25th, 2011
9:49 am

You know you’re really in trouble when the representative can’t last until the 90 day mark. (lol)

SexyCool

March 25th, 2011
9:52 am

“I can be a cut-throat callous b!tch when I need to be, but just because I didn’t tell every guy that asked me out that information on the first date or seventh doesn’t mean I presented a representative.”

Yeah…I’m gone have to *like* that twice. (lol)

Raqi V

March 25th, 2011
9:53 am

knockout, I disagree with you because people don’t go around hiding the fact that they are mean or opinionated. Neither can you hide mood swings because you can’t control them. It’s merely a matter of not yet seeing that person in a situation that triggers those traits.

Leggs

March 25th, 2011
9:54 am

@swiss ~ I know, I know!

@Raqi V ~ I wasn’t sure how to word that and not be contradictory. That is why I simply said we don’t all our cards on the table. Although I’m a straight shooter and can be nonchalant, I wouldn’t show that side right out the gate. However, if you saw a demur, coy quite me, that would be my representative, which isn’t me. She wouldn’t show up. Call 911 if you see that.

Leggs

March 25th, 2011
9:56 am

If I may ask, married at the time…you that is”

……..as Celisea blows cigarette and shines the lamp light in MCH’s face

ease up on MCH – comedy so early…NICE!

Fion

March 25th, 2011
9:58 am

“How do you know when the “real person” is worth the same amount of time and investment you gave their representative?”

If the “Real Persons” deviation is toooooooooo! far removed from the persona
established in the relationship.
That, my friends is a Deal Breaker all day long in my book and its over.

knockoutblonde

March 25th, 2011
10:02 am

People hide their true side all day, every day, when they are in a forum where they feel uncomfortable or unsure. Heck, I won’t show you all my cards in the beginning. I’ll be who I am and after a few dates I can slowly release them and see if you like it. But to hold on for months and until you are married to let these things out is inexcusable. No women (or not many) marry men that beat the heck out of them after a few dates and no man marrys a woman that nags and henpecks him after a few dates. It’s when people feel comfortable or that they think the other person can’t get out that these bad tendancies begin to surface.

Raqi V

March 25th, 2011
10:02 am

I mean seriously, no one reads out their unfavorable personality traits like a script.

And it seems that so many mistake a person having an off day or negative day as an instance of misrepresentation when clearly it’s just that they are having an off day. No one is happy, upbeat and on-it all the daggone time. Just because your demeanor is cheerful for 89 days, you being seen in a bad mood on day 90, 91, 92-95 is not a matter of you misrepresenting yourself.

That’s why I feel that representatives are mostly presented in a physical manner.

MC Hammock

March 25th, 2011
10:05 am

@Fion. You and I are on the same page. If your behavior deviates radically from the personality you had when you were dating, that’s what causes all of the stress, resentment and the high divorce rate. When you’re dating, it’s a definate deal breaker. When you’re married to it, you just wish someone would shoot you as a mercy killing.

Chink

March 25th, 2011
10:06 am

COME ON NOW

March 25th, 2011
10:07 am

Well, WHATEVER the “thing” is the the person is doing that is NOT representative of the person they presented to you in the beginning, and if this “thing(s)” starts happening on a consistent basis, not just every once in awhile, depending on the situatin, you have to make a decision on whether you want to stick with it or not. And don’t be fooled, some people have become experts at misrepresenting themselves.

AmazonRed™

March 25th, 2011
10:07 am

Morning all -

Raqi, glad to see you posting again. I missed you when you stopped by the other day.

I know you’ve got a lot going on, but if you have some downtime, let me know if you’re interested in reading that blog I mentioned.

AmazonRed™

March 25th, 2011
10:09 am

Recently at work, we were discussing whirlwind courtships. Everyone had a story of folks who met and were married in less than 6 months.

While I’d love something like that to happen to me, I’d spend too much time worrying that I didn’t really know this person well enough. Everyone should look good within 6 months.