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Dating: You are in love, but your family is not

Can you imagine being in love with someone who is unable to introduce you to their family?  I don’t know how I would manage a relationship if either of our families didn’t approve.  Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place!

I am very close to my family so if I discovered that they didn’t like my man, I admit I would be crushed.  I would mainly be hurt that they didn’t trust my judgment and know that I would not to be involved with a knucklehead.  Granted, I’ve had questionable choices in the past, but come on, you can’t hold that against a person forever!

I don’t know how I would manage juggling the relationship and my family because we are so close.  We talk nearly everyday, we own companies, property, and spend holidays and vacations together.  If they were not happy about my mate, how would that impact the dynamics of the relationship and the connection I had to my family?

Do you ever worry about your relationship being controversial in your family? Have you ever dated someone that your family did not like?  Have you ever dated someone whose family did not approve of you? How did you handle it?

Do you think it’s a bad sign if have not met the family after a few months of dating? Would you bring it up or just give it more time?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

196 comments Add your comment

COME ON NOW

March 21st, 2011
7:50 am

Good morning,

Been there done that. I’ve never been in a situation where a dude’s family didn’t like me but there have been many times where my family did NOT like the dudes I was with and in some cases it caused MAJOR drama. At the end of the day my family would always be right about it not being a good match. I would always try to defend things at first but deep down I always knew they were right. So my family’s opinion about who I date matters greatly to me. A lot of times family can see things we can’t because we are so “blinded” by love or lust or whatever. If I haven’t met a dude’s family after a few months of dating I would not trip. I wouldn’t even bring it up. If it’s been a year or so then I’d probably say something. But it depends on the circumstances and what the family dynamic is. But I’m not bringing someone home to meet my folks unless I feel like the relationship is very serious.

MC Hammock

March 21st, 2011
8:31 am

My second wife was NOT a very popular choise with my parents, especially my mother. I just told her “I would LIKE to take you with me on this journey, but I’m going on this journey, nonetheless.” Proplem was, they felt that way about my first wife, but for different reasons. In fact, while I was in the chaple just before the ceremony of my first wedding, my Dad tried to talk me out of it.He said “You know, you can still walk away from this.” Turns out, he was riight. I divorced her seven years later. But with this one, so far, so good….kinda.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 21st, 2011
8:53 am

Morning All!

MC – “You know, you can still walk away from this.” My father told me the same thing as we were talking just before I walked down the aisle for my wedding. He also added, “I dont care about the church full of people. everything has been paid for, they can eat, dance and be merry. I just want to make sure you are happy. We can leave right now if you say the word”. Guess he knew something I didnt because low and behold I am divorced as well.

On topic, my family never told me they didnt like the guy I was dating, while I was dating him. It was always once the relationship was over that I got all the “well we didnt like him for you anyway” comments.

DW

March 21st, 2011
8:54 am

LOL good call tim

Leggs

March 21st, 2011
9:04 am

Can you imagine being in love with someone who is unable to introduce you to their family? NOPE!

I realized quickly that my ex’s mother didn’t care for me. He tried to convince me that I was wrong and that she thought I was sweet, nice person. I knew better! Now that I’m divorced from her son, all his hardships she blames on me. I have sinced asked him to stop telling me what his mother says cuz Frankly, I Don’t Give A Dayum!!

czBrat

March 21st, 2011
9:06 am

A lot of times family can see things we can’t because we are so “blinded” by love or lust or whatever.

gonna have to co-sign on this one, C’mon. my fam never really cared for my ex because of this dream of becoming a rapper (LOL), but i got 18 yrs and two great kids out of that marriage, so i really can’t say i was “blinded”. things just changed. and at the risk of seeming arrogant, i can also co-sign the statement about not meeting the approval of the other family. at least, not that i know of.

kinda on topic… sometimes what turns a family against a mate is TMI about the challenges in the relationship. if you willingly share a laundry list things you don’t like about your s/o, but you’re not gonna end the relationship, then you’ve made it damn near impossible for that person to be fully embraced by your fam. ijs

HiYas!

Mo, this is exactly what i got from my mama when the marriage ended. “i always knew he wasn’t right for you. but i could tell by the look in your eyes that you wouldn’t hear me.”
gotta luv her! :lol:

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 21st, 2011
9:14 am

My ex-wife’s family disapproved of me from the beginning…and in my pride, I made it worse by having an ‘okay fu’ attitude back. Years later, I heard the business maxim, “be careful of the toes you step on today, because they may be connected to the azz you have to kiss tomorrow”. When trouble got serious in our mariage, guess who she turned to for advice…the ones with the toes I had stepped on. Would you like to hazard a guess about how much support I got from them?

My point is in the end, it doesn’t matter if you were justified not to be nice (my in-laws were pains in the azz) but don’t let your pride cause you a world of trouble. Kiss their butts anyway…it will make your life better in the end. There is a reason for the old, old saying…pride goeth before a fall.

COME ON NOW

March 21st, 2011
9:16 am

“sometimes what turns a family against a mate is TMI about the challenges in the relationship.”

CZBrat- I agree with this statement wholeheartedly. I think women do this MUCH more than men. They tell their family about all the bad stuff and still stay with the guy and then get mad at the family because they don’t like their guy. That’s why I don’t tell my folks anything about the guy. When the guy finally does meet them I let my family form their own opinion, that way they’re not biased by anything I’ve said. I learned that lesson the hard way with my first boyfriend. Which brings up another thing: telling family/friends stuff about your relationship that you really shouldn’t is almost a sure fire way to cause the demise of a relationship. Any dude I’ve ever dated HATES when “other people” are in our business. It’s def NOT a good look.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 21st, 2011
9:18 am

One other comment. My ex-inlaws technically were right…we weren’t good for each other.. However, that relationship, no matter how effed up it was, produced three wonderful children that would not exist if cooler heads had prevailed. All things happen for a reason, you just have to wait a long time sometimes to see the “fingerprints on the glass”. It is all good.

Wise Diva

March 21st, 2011
9:21 am

Good morning everyone! I’m trying to get it together, a little slow moving today.

I know someone who has been dating a woman for years and has yet to meet her parents because of his race. That has to be hard!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 21st, 2011
9:27 am

“sometimes what turns a family against a mate is TMI about the challenges in the relationship.”

This is SO TRUE. My wife shared the bad, but not the good. Why is it in life that we relate the bad things our SO does, but seldom the good things. Now wonder in laws dislike their son and daughters in laws…they hear all the bad. The best thing is don’t tell your family a dayum thing or as little as possible. Once those opinions are formed, they will almost never change. If my ex mother in law was still alive, she would STILL see the country bumpkin she thought was below her “cotillion” daughter, in spite of the fact that I am now and have been successful, well-traveled, and comfortable in the fanciest restaurants in New York, London, and Paris. BE VERY CAREFUL WHAT YOU RELATE TO YOUR FAMILY ABOUT YOUR SO…IT WILL STAY THERE FOREVER.

Big Tim

March 21st, 2011
9:31 am

Haters abound, Wise Diva…by putting of the inevitable, you only make it seem as if you feel you have something to hide from your/your mate’s parents.

Show them who you are; they may not accept it, but if they see who you really are and what your relationship is, they will learn to love you the same as they love their own child if your love is pure.

If they do not, then they are missing out on taking part in your relationship. Regardless, the onus is on you to have faith in them to understand.

Leggs

March 21st, 2011
9:39 am

“…sometimes what turns a family against a mate is TMI about the challenges in the relationship…” This is very true. You can’t bring family into all facets of your relationship. When things turn bad/ugly, you will be the one they look at as though you’ve grown three heads.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 21st, 2011
9:40 am

CZ / C.O.N — I’m totally with you on the whole using your family/friend as relationship therapists. BAD IDEA. This is probably one of my biggest pet peeves — and one of the many reasons I’m so crazy about Mrs. Swiss, because she shares my distaste for airing our dirty laundry in front of anyone else. Some things just need to be resolved between the two of you. If you must have outside advice, get counseling… but running to your family/friends every time you have a problem with your SO is a recipe for disaster.

Leggs

March 21st, 2011
9:48 am

@WD ~ that is the only situation where I can somewhat understand a mate not meeting the parents (due to one’s race). Still, the relationship will probably be racked with some arguments over the issue.

SexyCool

March 21st, 2011
9:51 am

In instances where my family was cool on a guy, they ended up being right, but at the same time, they would not cause drama behind it – they were just appropriately polite when I brought that person around.

The few that they have really like got treated like family. I think they like TheDude better than me.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
9:55 am

Morning all -

I have a loving supportive family. My parents are still together, my grandparents are still together. There is no need for them to “hate” on my dating choices, they want me to be happy.

So that being said, if they didn’t like someone I was dating, I’d take it as a sign and run. Seriously. My family only has my best interest at heart and want me to be married probably more than I want to be. :lol:

I remember telling them about a Muslim I was dating, thinking they’d be wary, or at worse, disapprove. They were super supportive. As long as the guy had faith and treated me well, they were all for it.

SexyCool

March 21st, 2011
9:56 am

So…for me…I could tell when my family wasn’t crazy about a guy by the level of hopsitality that was exteneded to him.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
9:59 am

Do you think it’s a bad sign if have not met the family after a few months of dating?

By the way, I don’t take this as a bad sign. My family lives out of state and are overly eager. :lol: Any guy I bring around, I have to be prepared to hear them ask about him til the end. of. time. :lol:

So on the flipside, I’d understand if a guy wanted to wait until he feels comfortable. Meeting family can definitely up the ante and bring a lot of pressure to the relationship.

kimmie

March 21st, 2011
10:06 am

Morning All!

An exciting weekend was had, filled with soccer, soccer and more soccer!LOL!! Actually the kids games were quite fun, close and dramatic! 1 win, 1 loss and one tie!

On topic – SCool, my family is a lot like yours, you can tell by the hospitality extended. They do the “just enough required” if they don’t care for them. If they love him, like they do my fiance’, it’s all good!
If they don’t like him, they will talk about him to varying degrees to me. For example, my mom would be very diplomatic about it to me. My dad would ask my mom alone about him “So what’s that joker all about?”. My dad was a man of few words, so if he liked you, you would get an invitation to “come on over to the house any time”! :) Silence if he didn’t approve. And the silence would be deafening!

My brothers and sister and other family – No Holds Barred!

So I’ve always kept any issues to myself because they DON’T FORGET! I will have forgiven and moved on. Them, not so much. A lesson I learned in high school and never forgot!

kimmie

March 21st, 2011
10:11 am

Oh, and as for a dude’s family not liking me? Never happened! The families have loved me more than the dudes have, I think! In fact, I think in a few instances it worked to my disadvantage because they pressured the guy, and I had nothing to do with it. Oh well!

I dated one where I’d met the family, but he wouldn’t take me to one of their coveted Sunday dinners. I learned why later – he was taking other women. Since I never scored a Sunday dinner, I took it as a major sign I wasn’t the one. There were other major issues why we parted, but that was a major one too.

abc

March 21st, 2011
10:14 am

Being kept a secret from family is a big red flag. If you’re the secret, it means that you’ve already been judged unacceptable. Get out of there. If you’re being kept secret from others in their life, it’s because they’re seeing other people. Get out of there.

czBrat

March 21st, 2011
10:16 am

ditto on that last statement, kimmie.

in my fam, we generally do not offer opinions unless asked or provoked. so, although i felt they had embraced s/o, i knew i’ld get the ‘for real, for real’ by announcing our engagement. we’ld either get grimaces or heart-felt congrats.
yeah. we got the congrats. :)

czBrat

March 21st, 2011
10:23 am

well said, abc.

in situations that involve race, religion, political views, …. i can see someone avoiding the drama of bringing family into it. your s/o probably learned the hard way to make his/her own choices and run with it without the need for family approval.

btw, i meant the first part of that last statement, kimmie. LOL

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
10:33 am

Oh, and as for a dude’s family not liking me? Never happened! The families have loved me more than the dudes have, I think!

Ditto. :lol: :sob: :lol:

Yeah, I realized in my last relationship we didn’t have staying power when he didn’t want me at the wedding of a family member. I had already been invited to the “family gathering” and met the immediate family along with aunts uncles and cousins. His mom hugged me at the end and asked me to come back anytime! We even double dated with his parents on Valentines Day. So when I got nixed from the wedding guest list a few months later, I knew his love for me wasn’t bigger than his parents. :lol: His sister in law said they still ask about me. Oh well.

Leggs

March 21st, 2011
10:35 am

@kimmie ~ Congratulations! It was a beautiful weekend for outdoor activities.

kimmie

March 21st, 2011
10:40 am

Amred – I was at one of my brother’s graduation from Morehouse. Ran into a guy I had dated that was graduating too. He was standing there with his new lady and his family. I smiled and said hi to everyone as I tried to walk on by. His mom grabbed me and hugged me. Her eyes said it all – sort of a rolling of the eyes at the new lady and a look of regret that I wasn’t the one to me. She said she missed me and looked almost like she wanted to cry. Oh well! :)

kimmie

March 21st, 2011
10:41 am

Leggs – Thanks, yes it was!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 21st, 2011
11:01 am

Have you ever dated someone whose family did not approve of you?
Not that I know of, but have been “approved of” for reasons that bothered me. I dated a girl from Louisiana who told me that her family approved of me because I was a light enough shade and went to the “right” schools.

It was always once the relationship was over that I got all the “well we didnt like him for you anyway” comments.
Mo Isn’t that how it always goes down? lol How you doing this morning?

SexyCool

March 21st, 2011
11:09 am

Boy…USEDtabe nothing I wouldn’t do for light-skinned man..,(lol) Yep…I was color struck. I grew out of it…kinda. Them beige dudes still catch my eye. (lol)

Purple Rain

March 21st, 2011
11:12 am

My family would have to like her before we started dating!

SexyCool

March 21st, 2011
11:13 am

OAN – George Mason got shellacked last night. wow…

czBrat

March 21st, 2011
11:24 am

ciao reign! now please tell me exactly how would this —-> My family would have to like her before we started dating! happen?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 21st, 2011
11:26 am

On topic: I can’t say that I’ve ever been in this situation on either side of the equation. I’ve always been well liked my serious SO’s families (my ex’s family still keeps in touch with me, in fact) and my family (at least the family members whose opinions mean anything to me) have liked every girl I’ve ever brought around.

Now, having said that, if my family had a problem with someone I considered SO-worthy, it would be their loss, because I’m going to to what I want to do, whether that includes my family or not.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 21st, 2011
11:33 am

Dreams – Im good, trying to recoup from a weekend of baseball with Lil Mo. That rugrat keeps me busy from one sport to the next! How are you?

And yeah that is how it works! Now my big brother is good for letting me know he doesnt like a dude however he lives in VA so I dont encounter that much anymore. High School and College were times when I hated to bring a guy around him….he would be such an a$$!

SCool – Yes GM did get it! My brackets are shot to hell, except for the fact that I did still have VCU, Richmond and UNC still in it. And I was glad that Marquette won (my ex is a HUGE Syracuse fan, heheheh)

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 21st, 2011
11:44 am

Slow start to the week, I see….

Hey, where’s MC Hammock? Get any tennis in this weekend? Lost my doubles match in 3 sets on Saturday (clearly, it was all my partner’s fault), but posted 2 singles wins on Sunday — and served up a tasty bagel in the final set of both. :-)

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 21st, 2011
11:49 am

At a certain point, I’ve got to live my life (and make my mistakes), if I have/am/will be with someone my family doesn’t like – tough. And likewise if her family don’t like me.

For one, I’m an adult that doesn’t require the approval of others – for anything.

Second, I realize that the D can be a little “off putting” becuase I don’t hold to the traditional thought process of trying to impress people or make good first impressions. But, I also know my value and would hope that in time people would see it for themselves (again, if not, great! I don’t need you around me noway).

Lastly, in a relationship there will be up’s and down’s. And while family/friends are nice to rely on (or call), in the end that relationship lives and dies on the backs/hearts/minds of the two people in it. And if I couldn’t get my woman to come around to understanding that, then she ain’t for me noway. Her and her craba$$ friends and family can KIP.

Good morning

(Can you tell I’ve been through this before?)

For Real

March 21st, 2011
11:59 am

If your family doesn’t like the person YOU bring home, then that says ALOT about YOU and your decision making. With that being said, the easiest thing to say when something doesn’t workout is “I knew it wasn’t going to work”.

I am leery of people that lean on their family to make life decisions. It speaks volumes as to your maturity and it’s a red flag cause that means I would be dating your family as well. If chicks would learn to keep their mouths closed about their relationship and accept the fact that they are just as much to blame for the woes of the relationship then more relationship would be successful.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
12:01 pm

I’ll tell you one thing…having a family unit that likes each other does wonders for your quality of life.

Both of my sisters have in-law drama. One mother in law still holds a grudge with one sister for “taking her son away” and shaking up with him before they got married (granted, he lives within walking distance from her NOW)

The other one has chain smoking in laws that think it’s cute to smoke in my nephews face…even while he was an infant!

So it causes rifts and general uncomfortableness and it’s been difficult for my sisters because their husbands don’t want to stand up to their parents. And then you don’t want to bring the kids around all that negative energy…even though they are the grandparents.

Yeah…try to hit the in-law lottery too. :lol:

For Real

March 21st, 2011
12:02 pm

Oh and went kids are involved, I wouldn’t exactly say that two people were not right for each other. I believe we all get the parents that we are suppose to have except in extreme cases such as rape or incest, well except in AL.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
12:02 pm

that means I would be dating your family as well.

More people need to realize that typically, you are. Even if you only see your family once or twice a year…

For Real

March 21st, 2011
12:07 pm

“More people need to realize that typically, you are.” – Yeah that’s the problem tho but it’s only a problem with couple doesn’t set boundaries for their respective families. The Husband should always stand up to both families.

Leggs

March 21st, 2011
12:09 pm

@ForReal ~ I understand what you just said, but disagree to a certain point. When you date/marry, someone you are essentially becoming a part of the family. You may not live w/them, sleep with them, or ask their input. However, it’s your SO’s family and I doubt many will toss their family aside for their mate. Yes, it happens, but it’s probably not in the majority.

“If chicks would learn to keep their mouths closed about their relationship…” I surmise many do, and that’s why more physical abuse is not reported! Although you didn’t have this in mind, it’s what I first thought of…everyone wants people to stay hush hush. Sure, you shouldn’t expose all facets of your relationship to your family, but you also need to feel empowered to speak up when the need arises.

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 21st, 2011
12:10 pm

@Ared

I wish I would….

If you [not you personally, the nebulous you] can’t stand apart from the decision by committee of your friends and family, then we gotta problem.

That you’re close to family, spend days (beyond holidays) with ‘em, holidays too, all that is fine.

But if you feel the need, after the age of 18, to discuss every decision with your folks; and can’t make one apart from theirs then, yeah, you might need to stay with your family. They can hold you at night

czBrat

March 21st, 2011
12:10 pm

Red, you make a great point. another thing i’ve learned from past mistakes is that how your mate relates to his/her family should closely match your own. my first hubs’ entire family was argumentative and gossipy. my family is a very tightly knit, supportive unit. i was happy enough to be welcomed by his family when we were together, but then i had to live with the back-stabbing and insult hurling for all those years.

s/o and i have similarly strong family ties. not that our families’ opinions dictate whether or not we stay together, but having that similar background also helps us stay on the same page with how we handle our own little “family” unit.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
12:11 pm

Yes, boundaries are a must. But also, you should care about actually liking the family and them liking you too. Especially when the kids come. Because it sucks to dread being around your inlaws and being uncomfortable and miserable at holidays and family gatherings. Or to have to find ways/excuses to exclude family from coming around and seeing their own blood ties. Life is too short.

Lady

March 21st, 2011
12:12 pm

hmmmmmmmm I think I can write a short story on this topic………interesting…….

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 21st, 2011
12:13 pm

I don’t think For Real is saying one should toss aside one’s own or SO’s family, but the problem comes when family and/or friends want to meddle offer their input into any issues that may arise between you and your SO. To put it bluntly, our issues are nobody else’s GOT D@MN business. And so long as it stays that way, things will go much more smoothly.

AmazonRed™ - March Madness

March 21st, 2011
12:14 pm

Dan –

What are you talking about? I said nothing about anything such as this: But if you feel the need, after the age of 18, to discuss every decision with your folks; and can’t make one apart from theirs

My point is that family is more apart of your life than most want to admit. I said nothing about having them make your decisions for you. Don’t tie my statements to yours.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 21st, 2011
12:16 pm

Leggs — If there’s physical abuse, she (or he) doesn’t need to speak up; she needs to get the f__k out of there. That’s a whole different Oprah.

Now, your normal, surmountable issues that arise in most every relationship… that’s what I’m referring to (and I’m sure what For Real had in mind, as well).