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How do you get your ex back?

Let’s say you really sabotaged something a really good relationship and you have major regrets. You’ve grown up and learned your lesson and now you are convinced you want another chance with your ex.  How would you get them back?

Such is the dilemma of one of our dear readers, “Jen.”  I have told her that sometimes it’s best to charge one to the “personal growth” game and learn your lesson for the next one.  She is adamant that the one that got away is the best person for her.  So I agreed to petition you creative romantic types: How do you campaign to get your ex back?

Background: Jen dated “Alex” for approximately eight months.  After they had “the talk” around month 6 agreeing to be exclusive, Jen failed to stop the other suitors from pursuing her.  She didn’t confess, she got caught. He’s still angry and won’t take her calls.  What should she do next?

Do you think that you can recover from a bad mistake when your relationship is new and still fragile?  Would you consider “fighting” for the relationship and try to make amends?

Is it harder for men to look past this sort of thing?

Have you ever taken your ex back? Did it turn out well or do you think it would have been better to let sleeping dogs lie?

When you are trying to get back in good graces, would you go the “over the top” gesture route? Would you play on their sympathies? Do you think people deserve second chances?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

191 comments Add your comment

Marty

March 15th, 2011
6:03 am

If he’s smart, he’ll stay away. Because you WILL do it again.

Tom E. Gunn

March 15th, 2011
6:42 am

Jen, you obviously have NO idea what it took for Alex to give his heart to you. There is no going back. If you did it would’nt be the same, and would be be doomed for failure. Take the advice and grow up. IF you can find another person who gives you their heart, cheerish it. If you accept their proposal for an exclusive relationship, honor it. A man can never trust again after being cheated on, (yes that’s what you did) no matter how hard he tries.

Geechee

March 15th, 2011
6:50 am

Jen: What’s shocking to me is that is took six months to reach the point that you agreed to be exclusive. Maybe I don’t play the field very well, but my relationships usually reach that agreed upon point sometime between one and two months of dating. Considering it took six months for you to reach this level and then you deliberately blew it, I suggest you chalk this up to experience and take a long hard look in the mirror.

COME ON NOW

March 15th, 2011
7:19 am

She needs to charge it to the game. Once a man loses trust in you it’s a wrap, especially after this man has committed himself exclusively to you….which is NOT something that men do all willy nilly everyday anyway. For most men when they’re done they are DONE. Do people deserve second chances? Absolutely. But in this case Jen’s second chance is going to come with a new guy. And maybe with the new guy she’ll do the right thing. But as far as this relationship? Nope, sorry, don’t see it. It SUCKS when you know you were the cause of the demise of the relationship but the best thing, the only thing to do, is to look at it as a lessoned learned.

IF and I do mean IF there is any chance at reconciliation, it’s going to be loooooong, hard road. And be prepared that if he does take you back, he may never fully trust you and in that case I don’t know if you’ll feel it’s worth it to be in a relationship where you’re forever trying to gain back trust.

burntb42

March 15th, 2011
7:39 am

When TRUST is lost the (love) story is over, done, kaput. If you can’t trust a person, a second chance will only give them a second chance to cheat on you again. I know It sounds harsh, but believe me once a cheater always a cheater, it’s just how some people are wired. They can never fully commit to another person, because of their own selfishness. Do yourself a favor.. why worry everytime they are late or change plans at the last minute? Find your self a love who values you as the person you are, they are out there. believe me it’s not worth it dealing with this situation, trust is something that can’t be regained in certain situations and this I’m sorry to say is one of them.

MiltonMan

March 15th, 2011
7:59 am

Jen & her other make an agreement to date exclusivley; Jen fails to be loyal & she thinks that this guy was Mr. Right??? Jen you lost all trust with Mr Right. He would be a fool to take you back.

the easter bunny

March 15th, 2011
8:09 am

Well, that is another fascinating question. I like that part particularly, “while the relationship is still fragile”. If one party has other suitors while their relationship with the “numero uno” is still in its infancy, they are looking for something better, and if the one party takes the other back, that means they were not able to find a better prospect, not very encouraging for a more durable relationship.
I remember a relationship I was in, It was rolling along with all the passion in the whole world, then right in the middle of the relationship a relative “passes on” and she inherits a lot of money, which is making me feel pretty good. You will never guess what happens next, she dumps me and takes her estranged husband back. He wanted to set up housekeeping again when he found out about the money, Now was that really fair? It took me a long time to get over it.

USMC dawg

March 15th, 2011
8:33 am

People can change, but they RARELY do… You need to do a lot of work to get your man back. My recent break up was difficult for me. Three months after I broke up with my girlfriend, we got back together. It didn’t work. When we broke up the first time she was clearly in the wrong and admitted it. Then when we got back together she kept doing the same $h!t. She could NOT change, so I said Beat it! So the moral to the story is if you want to get back with that special someone, RECOGNIZE the negative behavior and CHANGE your actions.

PrincessNik

March 15th, 2011
8:35 am

What should she do next?

I think she should chalk it up as a life lesson.

Have you ever taken your ex back? Did it turn out well or do you think it would have better to let sleeping dogs lie?

yes, I have only because we split amicably the first time, just two different places in life at the time. Fast forward a couple years, we bump into each other decide to give it another try, HOWEVER hindsight being 20/20 we should have stayed apart, and I don’t think i’ll be getting back with any other ex’s. You live and you learn. Now that I’m older, i’m more like that Mariah Carey song, “when I break, I break…..”

Good Morning!

Seven

March 15th, 2011
8:38 am

NO backsliding, for either party involved…no no no no no….and did i mention, NO! :-)

Jen, you had your chance and mucked it up. I don’t blame him for still being angry. If you failed to stop other men from pursuing you, then you didn’t feel as strongly about Alex as you thought.

*singing* don’t it always seem to go, that you don’t know what you got till it’s gone… :-)

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 15th, 2011
8:44 am

@CON

Men forgive – much, much easier than women.

We only require contrition, honesty, and most of all that you admit your wrongdoing (the things we provide in our admissions of guilt). Once those sincere admissions are made, most men will move forward with the thought of “lesson learned”.

However, if ole girl can’t admit she was out of pocket, or too much time has passed and he’s found another girl – she does have to charge it.

We men folk are not as hard hearted as you ladies.

(*NOTE* Dan stating the opinions and experiences based on his life and anecdotal evidence; these statements are not to be universally applied or considered to represent the totality of the male dating experience.)

SlimNumeroUno

March 15th, 2011
8:49 am

Well if he won’t even take a call from her, not really sure how she plans to “Get him back”…

Needs some clarification though….so even though she didn’t stop the suitors after claiming exclusivity with the new beau, was she actually SLEEPING with these other guys, or just entertaining them on the phone or whatever???

MC Hammock

March 15th, 2011
9:00 am

To take my first wife back? They don’t MAKE enough alcohol or money. I dated my second wife for 6 years. I broke up with her once (8 months) and she broke up with me three (all three were very short periods of time). Each of those three times, she came back for me after I had started dating someone else, and I went back to her. I’m one of those strange dudes as I can’t “date around”. I date one person and when I don’t want to date her anymore, I break it off and start dating another person. I never could quite grasp the dating 3-4 people at the same time. There would always be one person that I wanted to be with over the others and it wasn’t fair to her or me to keep going out with them, because the whole time I would be wishing I was with that one person. If I did “date around (per se)”, it was because I was only interested in one thing and it wasn’t a relationship.

Back to topic, I can never, ever again say that “If she did ____ to me, I would never take her back, because I did it with my second wife. I handed in my MAN CARD many years ago as a result of that. We are now married for almost 7 years.

COME ON NOW

March 15th, 2011
9:01 am

Dan-Well you would be one of the VERY few men that I know of who can easily forgive and THEN give it a second go. Yeah you might forgive but that doesn’t mean you get back with that person. I think women are more apt to take a man back if the role was reversed. Sorry, but for the men I know and have had conversations with, when you break that trust, even if you admit what you did and are sorry, the relationship is not the same. If there is reconciliation it is an exception and NOT the norm. But hey, I’m not a man so let me not speak for y’all. As far as I can tell, all the men on the blog (not including you) so far have said that the relationship is DONE. But I understand that you are speaking from your experiences only.

Lady

March 15th, 2011
9:05 am

hmmmmmmmmm……….

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 15th, 2011
9:15 am

Morning
Jen, own up to what you did and take it on the chin. It’s a loss now. Even if you could get him back, you would be entering the relationship at a disadvantage, and you never want to do that.

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 15th, 2011
9:16 am

@CON

I don’t think I am. Again, not just my experience but stories told to me by friends. And more often than not, the guys I know get back with their “ex’s”

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 15th, 2011
9:32 am

Morning All! Man the commute was a mess this AM

Dreams – I agree with you, you said it quite simply and stated the truth! Chalk it up, learn from the experience and move on.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 15th, 2011
9:35 am

Mo How are you doing this morning? Maybe everyone is stuck in that traffice, ‘casue it’s empty in here this morning. lol

Simple Man!!!!

March 15th, 2011
9:45 am

Whats Good Peeps?!?!?!?!?

Morning Slim1,
“was she actually SLEEPING with these other guys, or just entertaining them on the phone or whatever???”

I feel your question, But to that I have to ask, Does it matter? She got caught with her hand In the cookie jar..(Or she got caught with THEIR hand in HER cookie jar)

MC Hammock

March 15th, 2011
9:46 am

I agree, no going back if he isn’t even taking her calls. Gotta dust yourself off and get back in the rodeo! EVERYONE has had that “person they couldn’t live without (at that time)” in their past. We all got over it.

Mike P

March 15th, 2011
9:47 am

She is adamant that the one that got away is the best person for her.
Then she’s gonna be hate to read this; because its never gonna happen… she blew it, big time.

What should she do next?
Grow up and hope she’s learned her lesson for when the next man comes along.

How do you campaign to get your ex back?
If you break up with me, then you have given up on me… I give up on you.

wayne

March 15th, 2011
9:52 am

Speaking of “soon to be ex’s”, my wife asked me to watch that Bachalor show last night with her. It was supposed to be our Doing Something Together time and after watching the only episode in that whole season, the guy chose the blondie (how did she even make it that far?) with the distressed mental state instead of that SMOKING hot brunette lady that seemed fun, laid back and no baggage. What is it about blondes that seem to transfix guys? That “union” will last all of six months, just like all the other ones from that show.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 15th, 2011
9:56 am

Dreams – you know on days like this, bloggers trickle in. Im doing okay, just trying to get my mind right to get some work done. And I gave up sodas for Lent so Im DYING right about now, LOL! (Coffee just doesnt have the same effect, nor tea)

Speaking from Experience

March 15th, 2011
10:02 am

There are a lot of opinions here, but most are somewhat overly negative.

I speak from personal experience when I say it is possible, in some cases, to get the ex back. Of course, it ultimately depends on the person and what feelings they still have for you. If they still care for you a decent amount, there’s a good chance you can do it.

You have to be aggressive (nicely), and stand up to make your point.

Then explain how you feel about things, admit your wrongdoing, and tell them that you just want the chance to demonstrate your sincerity by actions and not just words.

Just calling on the phone won’t do it, and is not the same as speaking to someone in person.

Jen will have to go over in person, write, etc.

Good luck, Jen. Just be sure to sit down and decide for 100% sure that this is the right thing to do, and not just because of the loss of the relationship with him that you want to try to get things back together again.

Celisea

March 15th, 2011
10:03 am

Morning,

What’s the old saying about hindsight? She not only need to let it go, she needs to truly learn a lesson. Because I wonder, had she not been caught would she still be entertaining several suitors? Without discipline you’ll do it again. Sorry but you cannot have your cake and eat it too. Too, I believe most on here have said on a number of occasions, we don’t want the ex back. So, giving lessons on how to do that escapes me. Look to do better next time.

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:06 am

Morning all -

Jen, this one has got to suck. You took your guy for granted and now you’re facing the consequences. Really…all you can do is keep at it and give it time. It’s clearly still too fresh for Alex and to be honest, he shouldn’t take you back just because you want to be.

You need to basically prove yourself again and hope you get a 2nd chance.

I was dating a guy who basically messed around with one of my friends. I dropped him and her. The dude wasn’t gonna give up tho. He basically kept in contact until enough time had passed and I wasn’t so pissed. It probably took him a year. We never went the romantic route again, but we did maintain a friendship and I’m glad he didn’t stop trying. Even though his persistance annoyed me at the time. :lol:

Good luck.

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:07 am

kimmie – When you check in this morning please know I GOT SADE TICKETS TOOOOOOO!!!! *doing a roundoff back handspring with a half twist*

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:12 am

she dumps me and takes her estranged husband back. He wanted to set up housekeeping again when he found out about the money, Now was that really fair? It took me a long time to get over it.

Wow…that would indeed hurt.

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:19 am

Yeah, the biggest thing that Jen has against her is that she got caught…she didn’t stop on her own or confess…that’s a hard thing for anyone to overcome cuz you weren’t even trying to stop.

Mike P

March 15th, 2011
10:19 am

@Speaking from Experience:
I don’t care how remorseful or sorry Jen feels, she can demonstrate her sincerity by her actions all she wants. If I were her ex, I wouldn’t give her the time of day, let alone time to demonstrate anything to me. Once I’m done with you, I’m done, it is finished, Period.

PrincessNik

March 15th, 2011
10:20 am

ARed

I agree with your 10:19 because in my mind I’m going are you sorry, or are you sorry you got caught…..

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:22 am

Speaking from experience is right…folks do overcome betrayal all the time and move on. There are plenty of examples in the media. But I have a very close friend who got married too young. She ended up cheating on her husband, in fact, she thought she was in love with the guy she was cheating with. In any case, after a long hard road, they got back on track, and they are happy and making it work.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 15th, 2011
10:28 am

I’d say the odds are against you, Jen.

Everyone is different, but I know personally, once I’ve moved on, I don’t back track. It wouldn’t matter if I believed she was sorry or even if I trusted that she wouldn’t do the same thing again. Not saying I would harbor any ill feelings, but there wouldn’t be any desire to go back to her.

SexyCool

March 15th, 2011
10:30 am

I agree that Jen would put herself at a disadvantage if she BEGS her way back into the relationship.

At this point, she should apologize, make her desire to resume the relationship known and then stand back and give buddy his space. Right now, every time she calls and he ignores her, her position gets weaker and weaker.

IF her guy is able to overcome his anger and hurt and then HE make the move towards her, then maybe the relationship can begin again.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 15th, 2011
10:33 am

I think the biggest factor (for me, anyway) would simply be that once I caught her, I’d no longer view her as the same girl that I thought I knew before. So, it wouldn’t matter if I could forgive — because the person that I actually liked turned out not to exist…

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:35 am

I can’t really say I’ve wanted to reconcile with an ex until recently. And the only reason why I’d entertain him if he came back is because we weren’t dealing with any issues of trust, more like issues of position in life and fear (on his part). I can’t do anything to make him come back tho, he has to want it. And I have to move on knowing that something better is out there for me.

I’ve entertained exes coming back to various degrees and most of them after trust had been damaged. And with those situations, they want to change and reform, but for the most part they never improve as much as they think they have. Sorry just ain’t enough…

SlimNumeroUno

March 15th, 2011
10:35 am

‘I feel your question, But to that I have to ask, Does it matter? She got caught with her hand In the cookie jar..(Or she got caught with THEIR hand in HER cookie jar)’

Simple – I was asking because that maybe the deal breaker to determine Forgive or Not to Forgive…I hear that men often cannot excuse a physical interaction with another guy as opposed to just chatting with a dude

Mike P

March 15th, 2011
10:35 am

@SexyCool:
IF her guy is able to overcome his anger and hurt and then HE make the move towards her, then maybe the relationship can begin again.

I don’t believe its realistic for him to make any moves back towards her as to be in a relationship that will be meaningful for her, depending on where he is, he might put her in rotation tho, just saying.

SexyCool

March 15th, 2011
10:40 am

MikeP – that would be my number one reason for calling it a loss – if I were Jen. But regardless, her continuing to call and apologize shifts the balance of power in the relationship. And if she doesn’t stand back and allow him to make a move, if a move is to be made, she is setting herself up for certain failure.

Although, if he does take her back, it could very well be in the lesser position of a rotation chick. And in my eyes, that would be a failure as well.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 15th, 2011
10:42 am

“he might put her in rotation tho, just saying”

Mike P — True. Or he might be vindictive & take her back just so he can f__k around on her… :lol:

TenderRoni

March 15th, 2011
10:43 am

I’m with whomever said more clarification is needed with the whole ’she got caught’. Because what if it simply a lack of communication, that after they became exclusive that he didn’t feel comfortable with her talking or hanging out with her others ’suitors’(is this old fashion word for friends). And they didn’t talk about that topic. I mean some people (not me) are ok with their partner maintianing their opposite sex friends or ex’s. Maybe dude had trust issues himself.

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:45 am

Jen: What’s shocking to me is that is took six months to reach the point that you agreed to be exclusive. Maybe I don’t play the field very well, but my relationships usually reach that agreed upon point sometime between one and two months of dating.

Yeah…uh…I’ve notice the timeline differs amongst certain uh…cultures. :lol: Some uh…cultures will claim exclusivity after the 3rd or so date, while other uh…cultures….take a some months before they’ll entertain titles and such. :lol:

*trying to be PC in front of company * :lol:

PrincessNik

March 15th, 2011
10:47 am

Ared

:lol: PC :lol:

I can’t do anything to make him come back tho, he has to want it.
:idea:

SexyCool

March 15th, 2011
10:48 am

I also have the same question as Slim – what exactly did he catch her doing? And HOW did he catch her?

Was she engaging in and encouraging attention from other men? Was she out on a date? Did he come over unannounced and there was another guy on her couch? Was she texting back and forth with someone?

Or did someone call her and it was obvious that she had not explained to this person that she was in a relationship?

kimmie

March 15th, 2011
10:48 am

Morning Gang!

Amred – YAY!!!!! I can’t wait! It is going to be AWESOME!!!

On topic – Slim, I had the same question. Was she still sleeping with other guys or going out with them or just taking calls/texts? It does make a difference, I think. If she was just talking on the phone & texting, I could see dude being very annoyed but not even taking her calls to let her apologize? Seems a little harsh to me. If she was actually going on dates with dudes, then she was kissing them and possibly sleeping with them. Yeah, after that, I wouldn’t blame dude.

I mean, sure, there are cases where folks mess up & still manage to work things out with the ex, but it does take time.

Dan – You seem to be in the minority among the guys here, but it’s been my observation when guys have taken ladies I know back after a mess-up, it still doesn’t work out. It’s almost like it’s a revenge thing. Things are not the same, she has to walk on eggshells. He’s making her pay. She’s never allowed to live it down. Like Dreams said, you’re in the relationship at a distinct disadvantage. In a case like that, the guy really didn’t truly forgive her, but he’s got her “right where he wants her.” Just an observation, mind you.

SexyCool

March 15th, 2011
10:49 am

O/T – Just registered for the Peachtree Road Race – GUARANTEED ENTRY, Baby!!!!

Simple Man!!!!

March 15th, 2011
10:50 am

Maybe I still have some growing to do, because I have been cheated on before, and i would not take that Trick azz Trick back for all the tea in China!!! It has been more than a Decade and part of me still gets pissed when I think about it!!! For me its bigger than just the emotional hurt….I view it as a personal disrespect, and that I choose not to forgive……

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 15th, 2011
10:50 am

:lol: @ ARed… Hey, you know I’m not PC, so I’ll say it for you… A lot of my vanilla sisters are Category 5 Clingers. :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 15th, 2011
10:51 am

Amred – YAY!!!!! I can’t wait! It is going to be AWESOME!!!

It really is. I’m not even a big John Legend fan, but I saw him in concert some years ago and he did “Ordinary People” with a full symphony and it moved me to tears.

Sade can sit on a stool and lip sync for all I care and I’ll be happy I got to see her live. :lol: I am really grateful I got to see MJ and Luther in concert before they passed.