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Dating dilemma: Platonic friends

Can men and women truly be friends. Whichever side you think you stand on in this debate, you probably will think twice when you are knee-deep in some situations.

Let’s say your wonderful new romance is getting hot and heavy.  You begin merging your social activities and coordinating outings with friends. You meet and interact with the people that have known your date a really long time.  Then you meet the one (or more??)  they have a history with – the horizontal history, to be more blunt.

Could you be at ease with your date’s platonic friends that are a mainstay in their lives?

I always find that people often say that they aren’t the jealous type and they could trust people who seem trustworthy.  This is tested the most when you find out the “platonic friend” (and she’s says he’s just a friend!) had been intimate with your significant other.

When introducing platonic friends to your date, do you wait for the probing question “Did you two ever hook up?” or do you take the preemptive strike and mention prior to the introduction?

Would it bother you if you found out much later the history and evolution of their platonic friendship?

Does it matter how they came to be platonic friends? How do you know if they have both moved on and are being honest and forthcoming with you?  Are we entitled to know this sort of stuff if it’s in the past and doesn’t really impact current relationships?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

315 comments Add your comment

Dave The Well Behaved

March 11th, 2011
6:34 am

You have to be kidding …

ueeediot

March 11th, 2011
7:05 am

Ladies, if you sincerely believe that male friend of yours is just a friend, try one simple thing. Tell him youve decided that you and he should try dating. See how fast he scoots up next to you.

Attractive single ladies do not have male friends, just guys who havent had a chance yet.

the easter bunny

March 11th, 2011
7:12 am

That is a really good question. I really like it. I have a good friend and we have become closer every time I see her[my personal trainer]. Now, she has a fella living at her house, she claims he is only a boarder and [platonic] friend that does the handiwork around the house that needs doing. I would like to believe her but it is a challenge. Am I naieve to think this is platonic. She[my pesonal trainer] has been married before[2x] but that is all in the past, she claims I am number uno now. I see a great future for us. The other day when I saw her she was yawning a lot and I asked her if she had a hard night? She didn’t answer. I am seriously thinking of getting another personal trainer, should I?

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
7:17 am

Good morning,

My best friend is VERY good “platonic” friends with an ex of hers from about 12 years ago. She is engaged to be married. Her fiancee doesn’t have a problem per se with their friendship as long as her friend remains respectful of their relationship. I guess it helps that this friend lives a few states away. So I guess being friends with your ex can work in some instances, depending on your SO and as long as everyone is respectful.

As for me, I’m not friends with anyone I’ve ever dated but I am VERY good friends with a male. We’ve been friends for 12 years and have NEVER dated. He’s like family to me. He has a girlfriend now who doesn’t like the fact that we are friends. If she could have her way we wouldn’t be friends at all. It pretty much pisses me off because I introduced her to him because I thought they had a lot in common. Had I known she was crazy and insecure I definitely wouldn’t have introduced them. It has caused a lot of unneccesary drama. She says she’s jealous of our relationship because she’s not as close to him and he is to me. They’ve ONLY been dating for 6 months. We’ve been friends for 12 years. Relationships take time to develop. Needless to say I’m regretting my decision to hook them up.

I do believe men and women can just be friends but I know that this topic will continue to be debated until the end of time

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 11th, 2011
8:39 am

I’m friends with people I’ve dated. And my girl knows the one’s that I keep in contact with.

They all know I’m engaged and there are no problems. She knows me well enough to know that just because we’ve “dated”, it doesn’t mean I have any intention of doing it again.

Leo

March 11th, 2011
8:55 am

It is a red flag to me. It is uncomfortable to be around somebody who has been intimate with my man. If he wants to be “friends” with an ex and I see that early on I will move on before the feelings I have for him get deeper and our relationship grows. Why put myself in a position to feel uncomfortable? This sort of thing always leads to trouble.

Breezy

March 11th, 2011
8:56 am

I’ve been dating my friend for a couple of months. He’s friends with both of his ex wives and I don’t have a problem with that. The thing that’s bothered me the most lately is that he’s friends with his ex-girlfriend and for some reason failed to mention they were staying in contact (even after multiple drunk texts, his comments that he wished she’d go away and that she’s followed me around). I directly asked if he was interested in seeing her and he said he wasn’t. I believe him but why would he not tell me he was talking to her on a regular basis. This only leads me to believe there may be something to hide. I have multiple male friends (some long-term) and they are strictly plutonic relationships. I would never try to stifle him or his ability to have female friends but don’t understand what all the secrecy is about. I’m not jealous but puzzled by his actions in this matter.

Fion

March 11th, 2011
9:02 am

@Come on
“It pretty much pisses me off because I introduced her to him because I thought they had a lot in common. It has caused a lot of unneccesary drama.”

Looks like you dancing the Tango. What are you pissed about? He’s not you’re man, stop co^k blocking and get out the way.

Simple Man!!!!

March 11th, 2011
9:03 am

Morning Peeps….Breezy is you guy required to keep you informed of EVERYONE he talks to and how often those conversations take place???

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 11th, 2011
9:05 am

@Breezy

“(even after multiple drunk texts, his comments that he wished she’d go away and that she’s followed me around).”

This seems to me not so much that he is contacting her, but she is keeping contact with him.

NY2GA

March 11th, 2011
9:08 am

@easter, you are joking right? She has a guy living with her, as a boarder? And why is he living with her, does he have a job, how long have they known each other, is he a childhood friend, so many questions… So what happens when you come over, do the three of you sit around and chat …Honestly, if you are getting “close” to her, someone has to go.

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
9:10 am

FION-WHATEVER. Nobody’s over here co*k blocking at all. I’m pissed that she brings her drama to ME telling me we need to discuss things. He’s not my man and I don’t want him to be. But I don’t want her pulling me in their drama just because she’s insecure. She is a part of a group of mutual girlfriends and we were cool. She knew he and I were friends waaaaaay before they started dating so if she thought she was going to have an issue she should have NEVER started talking to him.

Breezy

March 11th, 2011
9:12 am

I don’t ask that he tell me everyone that he talks to – I wouldn’t try to control anyone that way and wouldn’t want them to try to control me either. I have confidence in myself and our relationship and I’m not upset that he’s talking to her. I just don’t understand what the secrecy was all about but the cat’s out of the bag now.

Yes She Is Cute

March 11th, 2011
9:14 am

Good morning!
The s/o can usually tell you are talking about an ex (ex boyfriend ex lover, etc.) by the way you talk about this “friend”….

I will try to pop back in but its so hectic! :)

xoxo

Breezy

March 11th, 2011
9:18 am

Yes She Is Cute – I really don’t understand what you mean. He’s not my ex he’s my now.

Yes She Is Cute

March 11th, 2011
9:23 am

@ Breezy that situation sounds suspect…trust your gut

SlimNumeroUno

March 11th, 2011
9:24 am

Good morning,

Ahem, Dan…um…did i miss the blog announcement about your engagement? Well, a Congratulations is in order. I’m so touched :cry:

Yes She Is Cute

March 11th, 2011
9:24 am

@ Breezy my first comment was about my experience…. in my experiences my s/o at the time can tell when i’m disguising my tales of the exes as tales of “friends”….

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 11th, 2011
9:27 am

My bad, Slim it was a couple days back.

MC Hammock

March 11th, 2011
9:29 am

If the woman is attractive, the man may ACT like they are friends, but all he is waiting for is the green light. Women can do this better at being “just friends”, but it can still take the next step at any time. Just a cold night, a bottle of wine and a good chick flick with her “buddy” and the Rumba will begin. Women don’t have the uges so much as a guy, but they have them.

COME ON NOW, the only female friends that my wife doesn’t get in a bundle about are her female friends. If a female posts anything on my FB page, I get asked “How do you know her?”, “Did you ever date her” and “She posts too much on your page. That’s wierd.” Any female acquaintences that I had before have to be kept at arms length. She even had friends on her tennis team that she had dated and slept with before we started dating. Yet, I was told “It’s all in the past and it was nothing.” The Double Standard go both ways.

Fion

March 11th, 2011
9:30 am

@ Come On

Oh……. ok, (wink, wink) if you say so. That’s some BS if I ever heard it. If She brings it to your door, why are you opening door.
Just because she knocked doesn’t mean you have to answer.

It’s straight BS based on 2-thing you said.

1.) “You say Pull you in”, my question is Pull you in to what?
2.) “if she thought she was going to have an issue she should have
NEVER started talking to him.”

Sounds like Ol’ girl step to you and told you, you tryin’ a little to hard to be friends and you just a little to Regular with Ol’ boy.

MC Hammock

March 11th, 2011
9:31 am

I meant “she had a FRIEND”…not friends (plural)….

SlimNumeroUno

March 11th, 2011
9:34 am

As far as the topic goes, i don’t have an issue being “just friends’ with a dude because I think I mesh much better with guys than chicks anyway. I’m not into all the drama that can potential come from being around too much estrogen so my female friends are few and far between.

The guy I date now has a pretty close chick friend and he told me they messed around once…not sex but kissing & touching. He claims he isn’t attracted to her or that she isn’t his type and the episode they had was just after a night of too much drinking blah blah blah. He said they have never even discussed it since it happened. Not sure if I believe all that but I don’t have an issue with it. I’ve met her before so…whatever.

Breezy

March 11th, 2011
9:35 am

Thanks for the clarification. I’m trying to stay open minded about the whole situation but I don’t have blinders on either. When I want to know something I ask. That’s why I asked him “point-blank” if he wanted to see her again and he said no. He’s with me every night and he would be a fool to go back to the toxic jealousy, chaos and turmoil that their relationship brewed.

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
9:40 am

@Dan – I didn’t know you got engaged. Congrats! The men are dropping like flies up in here. :lol:

Leggs

March 11th, 2011
9:42 am

Good morning…good grief, this is going to be good.

I am civil with my ex’s. I don’t hang with any of them. Now, if I’m in a relationship and my guy is on friendly terms, constant interaction with an ex, I might be a somewhat leery. I would watch the interaction before making any comments all the while listening to what he says about her and his actions towards her. That’s all I can do in the beginning.

Women can be platonic friends with a male much easier than a male with the female. Not saying the woman hasn’t shooed away his advances, but a man is going to take so much before he realizes he needs to move on.

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
9:44 am

FION-Again I will say WHATEVER. She is an insecure chick. I don’t entertain her foolishness. I let her come to me ther first time because she and I were cool and I told to chill out because he and I are JUST friends. What I’m saying is she keeps TRYING to pull me into their drama. I’m not getting REGULAR with anybody. Like I said and will continue to say, she knew we were friends before she started dating him so if she had a problem she should have NEVER started dating him. I respect the fact that they are in a relationship and I haven’t crossed any boundaries but I will not stop being his friend.

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
9:45 am

Well, platonic friendships with exes is a part of life sometimes. You just have to have trust and get over it.

I only have one ex lover who is a platonic friend, and he is married. Now I know if I were open to going back down memory lane, he would likely be game, but why would I do that? Even if he wasn’t married, why would I do that? :lol:

I do have several platonic male friends who I’ve never dated or been physical with. We have such strong friendships I’ve always heard: “ya’ll are gonna end up together.” Uh no. And all three of my closest platonic male friends got married in 2009, so we proved so many folks wrong. Men and women can be just friends and nothing more. :)

SlimNumeroUno

March 11th, 2011
9:48 am

‘Not saying the woman hasn’t shooed away his advances, but a man is going to take so much before he realizes he needs to move on’

Leggs – I have a really good male friend and we would often meet up for a drink, talk about life, poetry etc. He knows i’m dating someone and we often discuss certain things about our relationships. One day he told me that we needed to slow down on hanging out because he was starting to have crazy thoughts about me….and yes Crazy=Nasty or sexual thoughts. I appreciated him telling me that but at the same time it was a little weird.

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
9:51 am

“I do have several platonic male friends who I’ve never dated or been physical with. We have such strong friendships I’ve always heard: “ya’ll are gonna end up together.” Uh no. And all three of my closest platonic male friends got married in 2009, so we proved so many folks wrong. Men and women can be just friends and nothing more”

ARED- This is exactly my situation so I agree 100%. It can be done.

Blackfoote

March 11th, 2011
9:57 am

Men and women can be friends like ARed and Come On Now says. When being friends with a male whether he’s married or not you have to think the averages favor he’s wanting more than to be friends or a church hug.

Good Friday To Ya Folks:

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
9:59 am

. I believe him but why would he not tell me he was talking to her on a regular basis. This only leads me to believe there may be something to hide.

Yup… he’s blatently lying to you, so there is definitely a deeper reason as to why. Beware.

Blackfoote

March 11th, 2011
10:02 am

Ladies you must know in the back of our minds we desire you for friendship which may lead to possible relations. It may be nothing in your mind but it sure is in ours even when we say it isn’t.

Yes She Is Cute

March 11th, 2011
10:03 am

@ SLIM that was respectful of him to tell you…do you think that was his way of putting himself out there? or being respectful of your relationship? you can never tell with guys…..

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
10:03 am

She has a guy living with her, as a boarder? And why is he living with her, does he have a job, how long have they known each other, is he a childhood friend, so many questions…

Why is that so hard to believe? It’s a recession. My house has two empty bedrooms and best believe that if times get tough I’ll rent out one of those bad boys. If it happens to be to a male, so be it.

kimmie

March 11th, 2011
10:07 am

Hey Blog Folks! What up this Friday?

The topic – whatever. Yawn. Everybody involved has to be upfront and honest. You have to know who you’re dealing with. But when issues arise with the “we’re just friends” it’s because somebody hasn’t either been honest or is not being respectful of the relationship.

I loved to talk about how secure and confident I was and that nobody could take my man because I was all that – until it happened some years ago. He ended up marrying the “just friend”. Now I am still my confident self but I don’t have on blinders either. Bottom line, no matter what I did or didn’t do, my bf back then did not respect our relationship.

My fiance’ has a “just friend” at work. I have met her and her nice-looking husband and kids. I have a platonic buddy I never “went there” with and never would (thought turns my stomach). Either way, we are both upfront about our friends and respectful of our relationship.

Just gotta know who you’re working with and act accordingly.

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
10:07 am

I almost don’t see the point in debating this topic because everyone pretty much knows how they feel and what they believe. So I say, whether or not you believe guys and girls can JUST be friends, you better to find somebody that believes the same way you do because if not, you’re asking for it.

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
10:08 am

Ladies you must know in the back of our minds we desire you for friendship which may lead to possible relations. It may be nothing in your mind but it sure is in ours even when we say it isn’t.

I mean, so what tho. Men have thoughts like that about the meter maid who just gave you a ticket too. :lol: Just cuz we’re friends won’t change the basic make up of a man. Fortunately, most of you are more than just neantherthals. :lol:

COME ON NOW

March 11th, 2011
10:11 am

But when issues arise with the “we’re just friends” it’s because somebody hasn’t either been honest or is not being respectful of the relationship.

Agree—but if one person is just flat out has deep rooted insecurity issues, even after their partner is honest and respectful of the relationship, they’ll ALWAYS make an issue out of it

PrincessNik

March 11th, 2011
10:12 am

I have a very close male friend, we actually met when i was dating one of his close friends. Our interaction is that of close brother and sister, and that is how we refer to each other. I will say that we don’t introduce SO’s to each other until we think it may be something long term because so many times it brings un-necessary drama. Not to say that the SO doesn’t know the other exists thats a whole different kind of drama right there.

PrincessNik

March 11th, 2011
10:14 am

Kimmie

I’m co-signing your 10:07 especially:

I have a platonic buddy I never “went there” with and never would (thought turns my stomach). Either way, we are both upfront about our friends and respectful of our relationship.

SlimNumeroUno

March 11th, 2011
10:14 am

‘do you think that was his way of putting himself out there? or being respectful of your relationship?’

YSIC – Wow, that is a great question. I suppose it could be two-fold as far as his reasoning goes. However, he ended up messing around with someone we both know that were supposed to just be mutual friends as well, and I don’t that panned out very well. So, i’d like to think he didn’t want to repeat that outcome with our friendship.

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
10:14 am

Hey PrincessNik – Where you looking for me yesterday?

kimmie

March 11th, 2011
10:15 am

Amred – Your 10:08 – yep. Can’t control people’s thoughts. I mean, are you supposed to just not interact at all with any men on the chance that they might be THINKING about what it would be like to get with you?
We’re not walking around with veils and needing a male relative escort to go out in public!

AmazonRed™

March 11th, 2011
10:17 am

We’re not walking around with veils and needing a male relative escort to go out in public!

:lol:

Yes She Is Cute

March 11th, 2011
10:17 am

Ladies you must know in the back of our minds we desire you for friendship which may lead to possible relations. It may be nothing in your mind but it sure is in ours even when we say it isn’t.

Like ARed said so what? Most of my platonic guy friends I wouldn’t mate with if we were the last humans on earth so it really doesn’t matter how they feel about me.

PrincessNik

March 11th, 2011
10:19 am

Ared,

Yes, I know you said you watch all the Real Houswives, and I just happened to catch an episode of Miami, What the heck is wrong with Marysol and her ma, why are their faces so big?!?!?

(yeah no major question LOL)

SexyCool

March 11th, 2011
10:19 am

And to add to the chorus, since what makes you a man is the logic, reasoning and accountability that females have been declared to be devoid of, you wouldn’t chance losing a great friendship over a lay-down anyway.

kimmie

March 11th, 2011
10:21 am

if one person is just flat out has deep rooted insecurity issues, even after their partner is honest and respectful of the relationship, they’ll ALWAYS make an issue out of it

Come On Now – That’s why I said you have to know who you are dealing with. Understand your mate. I know people who are insecure and intensely jealous, but their mates understand them and work with them. They know what pushes their buttons. I personally can’t deal with jealous men, but then a jealous man couldn’t deal with me either. I had an EX get upset once when I dressed up very tastefully and pretty and got respectful compliments from the bartender and waiter when we went out. I just couldn’t deal with that, but the next woman he got with could and they married.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 11th, 2011
10:22 am

Morning
Men and women can’t be friends because the possibility of romance is always there.

Dan Congrats on the engagement. This is going to be a married blog soon.