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How do you pull off going Dutch?

I received an email from one of our male readers seeking some advice.  He wants to know if it’s possible to go Dutch on a date without sending the wrong message.  Is there a way to successfully ask someone out, plan an outing, and go on a date paying your own way or splitting the costs?

Do you think it can be done if you pick the right person and circumstances?

In my experience, going Dutch was only bad because of the “caught off guard” situations.  You know, that time when someone asks you out and don’t mention that they have no intentions of paying your way.  If you know beforehand that you wanted the date to be Dutch, you should say so. Give the person the opportunity to make a fully informed decision before agreeing to it.

What do you think? Does going Dutch automatically mean it’s a “bad” date?  When was the last time you paid your own way on a date?  What did you and how did it come to be a “Dutch” date?

It you had to pick between no date and going Dutch, which would you pick?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

345 comments Add your comment

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:53 am

Expecting someone to pay your bill is the tacky part. You shouldn’t assume that a stranger for the most part is going to pick up your tab. And if you don’t even look at the check or offer that’s even more tacky and along the lines of being a gold digger. HUH?? Tacky, a gold digger. He*ll, he asked the woman out! And, I was taught that looking at the check is a tacky move. If you’re paying the tab, then you don’t look at it, nor do you ask how much everything came to. But, it is nice for the woman to offer to leave the tip. And, you don’t need to know the amount of the tab to do so.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:53 am

If you’re NOT paying the tab…

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
10:54 am

@ M re: “Im not knocking the Date 3, I just think its to early…I would move it to like date 6 or 7″.

My life is moving so fast most of the time that if waited until 6 or 7, I might have forgotten “what to do”. I tend to hasten things…not smart, but like speed dating, I get the small stuff out of the way early LOL.

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:54 am

Bottom line: Spend within your means. No point in acting like you have it when you don’t and you know you can’t keep up with that type of spending habit. Because if a person is around long enough they’ll figure out if you really have it or not. You don’t have to drop $100 on a date to be impressive to someone.

And Kimmie- I totally agree with the second half of your 10:39 post.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:54 am

you just have to be balanced in your spending and live within your means

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
10:56 am

I have to give credit to almost all of the ladies I’ve dated. Almost without exception, they offered to pick up half on the first date. i do appreciate the courtesy of them asking.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:56 am

as long as my date enjoyed herself and her meal and my company she should not be concerned with how much I spent or how I payed for it. She just needs to see if I can continually uphold the standard I set

kimmie

March 9th, 2011
10:57 am

Dreams – You know me, I keep it cool & easy, that’s always been my stance. Stressing over money when it comes to dating is always in bad taste to me. There is just a way to do things with finese and that’s what a lot of people, BOTH the men & the women. A man can come off cheap and a woman can come off as a materialistic diva. Neither are attractive.There is no crime in not having a lot of money. It’s all in how you manage it. I’ve seen men with the least means get the nicest women because they had finese and style with it and knew how to work with what they had. Complaining about traditions, customs, whatever, gets you nowhere. Good manners will take you very far.

I am a very generous person. I love making the folks around me happy and comfortable. I’m able to do that, within my means. I share what I have happily – I won’t be able to take it with me when I leave this earth. After a few dates, I offer to at least help out. When we are established, I am a PARTNER and share it whatever way I can. It’s really not hard for me.

Ira

March 9th, 2011
10:58 am

I always pay for dates with a few noticable exceptions:

1st Date = Dutch (you’d better be prepared ladies) if you don’t measure up to advance billing – meaning you are too ghetto, chew with your mouth open, text, talk down to me, use the word ax for ask, or are caught in a lie. I’ll go to the men’s room, pay the waiter my half + tip and leave you there.

2nd Date + = Dutch if we are in an exclusive relationship or she commits any of the first date no-nos. The only real difference is that I’ll let you know you’re paying if we’re past the first date.

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:59 am

DM-me not liking the fact that a guy wants to use a coupon for a first date is not being superficial. Again, I’m not opposed to using a coupon just not on the first date. I just don’t get a good vibe from it. It just comes off as tacky to me. Yeah yeah yeah it shows that you are good with your money…whatever. I just don’t like it. But like I said, to each his own. Find someone like-minded.

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
10:59 am

There really is no right or wrong to any of it. Pretty much like CON said – find someone who thinks like you think and sees things the way you do and you’ll be fine.

There are coupon loving chicks out there like me and Leggs.
There are men that wouldn’t dare let a woman pay for chicks like CON.
There are chicks that don’t mind paying for guys like Dan.
There are some Broke-O’s fronting, leading with the wallet for puddy.
There are some lame ass chicks out there dating for dinner.

The list goes on. Find what works for you and work it.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:59 am

Do we really have to put limits on how much you should spend on a date. You spend what’s appropriate for the person, the activity, and your financial means. There are tons of things that be done for little to no money, and there’s other things that just can’t ever be done cheaply. In the end the spending doesn’t even matter. Be genuinely interested in your date, and capture her interest as well. If she TRULY likes you, alot of things that would matter with the lamo dude won’t even apply to you.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:59 am

Love you, kimmie! You’re a lot like myself (except I’m not engaged). :lol:

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
11:00 am

@ M… In all seriousness, the reason I do such a prescribed way of dating is that I want to see a lady in multiple environments..how she act, how she communicates, is she still interesting or just eye candy or an arm ornament.

It is just something that works for me.

Realistic

March 9th, 2011
11:00 am

And saying someone isn’t a “real man” because he doesn’t pay your bill is further proof of being shallow and a gold digger. Do you not understand this statement just says that you equate manhood with salary?

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
11:01 am

Wise – as to a question in your original post – anything can be done with the right person and circumstances.

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:02 am

@SC

“…paying for Dan.” – You know I stopped stripping a while ago.

Ain’t nobody paid for me since.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:02 am

@Ira ~ I realize this may be something you do, but you should know or sense some of this before you even ask the woman out on a date. Ok, you may not have seen her chew, but come on! And, how many women you asked out for a second date said YES?

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
11:02 am

Ira, wouldn’t you know all of that before you asked her out on a first date?

I would love to see a dude with a coupon and it ends up being expired…does he have the money or does he ask his date to help cover. Also I see most agree on the no dutch thing, because even with coupon man…he is still the one with it and expecting to handle the bill. LOL or would you ladies find out where you were going to at and bring a coupon for your half of the meal…is that dutch?

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:03 am

@SC

Now, if you meant investing her funds in a nice time, with a nice guy, then yeah, I feel a woman should (at least offer to) pay. It’s an investment with a great return.

What’s wrong with that?

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
11:06 am

Dreams – You know me, I keep it cool & easy, that’s always been my stance.
kimmie I know. That’s why you’re off the market. ;-)

But like I said, to each his own. Find someone like-minded.
COME We agree !00% on this. lol Not sure how long you’ve been reading, but if you’ve been on here a while then you’ve probably heard my whole discourse about pitching your product to people in the market for what you’re selling. I believe in targeted marketing. lol

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:07 am

“…just eye candy or an arm ornament.” Is there a big difference????

2CPTG - wakin' up from a long nap!

March 9th, 2011
11:08 am

cool, still talkin bout goin Dutch…….

Shiiiiid, impress me, you treat on the first date!

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:09 am

@Dan ~ I thought something along those lines. :lol:

@SexyC ~ nothing but NET!

MC Hammock

March 9th, 2011
11:10 am

If the worst worry I have is whether or not to go DUTCH, then I’m having a dayum good day. Bottom line, NO dutch dates on the first one. If it is, than HE is telling you “We’re best as just friends.” so don’t expect anything to come of it. If you go all out on the first date, guess what….you’ve just set the Bar. Anything less for any length of time and it’s “Well, you’ve changed” or “What’s wrong?” I agree that a date is for the man to impress the woman and woo her. But then again, I have been asked out by women recently and it was a great time. I offered to pay, but she insisted. The times are a-changin, whether you think highly of the change or not. Nowadays, you can go to a club and just hang out. Women will buy you drinks and ask you to dance. It’s certainly not the norm, but it happens. Last month I was at a bar and a lady asked me to come join their group (I had never met this woman before). We partied and everyone danced with everyone. As the evening ended, she hnaded me her card and said if I ever wanted to hang out to call her. I have asked her out and payed for the dates every since. But today, either gender can initiate the action, the date, the _____ and it’s quite alright. I’m good with that, but lean towards my old world rules of dating.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:10 am

@PR ~ I would like to think the man using the coupon has some smarts about himself and would check the expiration date before asking the woman out to dinner!

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
11:11 am

@ Leggs

uuhhhh, guess not, LOL

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
11:11 am

Dan – I just meant that there are ladies who don’t mind when you ask that they pay their own way on a first date.

And just for the record, I am always prepared to pay my own way, regardless of whether I expect to do so or not.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:12 am

Exactly MC Hammock ~ dutch on the first date is not a date…two people blooming into a friendship.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:12 am

:lol: :lol: thanks RandyT.

Msg

March 9th, 2011
11:13 am

Those of you that know Raqi’s and can access her spot please read.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
11:13 am

Leggs, in a perfect world. LOL

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:14 am

As for coup’n usage – I shole do.

(When I dated) – Never had a 1st date that didn’t tell “I’m trying to retire at 50.” I can’t do that if I’m paying for some “chi-chi” restaurant to impress her on a first date.

For that matter, I resented the idea that the woman was the only person on the date needing to be impressed.

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
11:14 am

“And saying someone isn’t a “real man” because he doesn’t pay your bill is further proof of being shallow and a gold digger. Do you not understand this statement just says that you equate manhood with salary?”

Realistic-You sound really bitter today. I don’t know what kind of women you’ve dated but they must have done a number on you. Everyone is different. What works for me may not work for the next person. Some people are old-school like myself and think it chivalrous for a man to pay for a date. And there are others who think everyone should pay their own way. But for me, If I’m out with you on a first date and the bill comes and you want me to pay my tab, I will pay for it because I’m always prepared, but there will NOT be a second date.

But maybe you’ve dated chicks that expected you to take them to 5 star restaurants for every date. Then yes, those women may be superficial. Sorry for ya. But not all women are like that. I don’t care how much you spend on the date. But don’t assume that someone like me who expects the man to pay for the date also expects him to go for broke on the date either. That ain’t me.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
11:15 am

How do you even say that you want to take a woman out or meet up with her but then say that she needs to pay her own way. I am not trying to be funny just asking how do you do that or say that?

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
11:16 am

re: “Nowadays, you can go to a club and just hang out. Women will buy you drinks and ask you to dance. It’s certainly not the norm, but it happens”.

Dress well at Johnny’s Hideaway, and you can drink free all night on the ladies, (or if you just want free drinks, go to bars in Midtown and you might have some guy wanting to dance and buy you drinks all evening, so be careful of the venue unless you play for both teams, LOL).

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
11:16 am

“But like I said, to each his own. Find someone like-minded.
COME We agree !00% on this. lol Not sure how long you’ve been reading, but if you’ve been on here a while then you’ve probably heard my whole discourse about pitching your product to people in the market for what you’re selling. I believe in targeted marketing. lol”

DM–we FINALLY agree!! ;-)

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:16 am

@PR ~ best believe there will not be a second date if we’re out and coupon expired and he didn’ have the sense to check beforehand.

MC Hammock

March 9th, 2011
11:17 am

Dan does have a seriously strong point. It’s not just the woman that needs to be impressed or the man that needs to be impressive.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:18 am

@PR ~ I’m with you (11:15).

74 Dawg

March 9th, 2011
11:19 am

so much for gender equality:) hold the door, pay the check, …wear the pants?

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:20 am

@Come On

I’d argue with the “real man” distinction period, and based the logic of your 11:14.

To wit: if each man or woman is quantifiably different, how can anyone define a “real man (or woman)”?

kimmie

March 9th, 2011
11:20 am

Dreams – I was out with an aunt and some other family & friends one time at like TGI Fridays or the like. Everyone was paying their way. My aunt kinda snapped that day and started stressing out because her order was like 50 cents more than she thought it should be. I told her to just let it go, I’d give her the 50 cent if she needed it. She said NO and pulled out a calculator and pen and asked for a menu. She listed everything and it’s price on a napkin and started calculating everything she ordered out right there at the table. I was so embarrassed and mad I left the money for my part and got up and went and stood outside until they came out! I told her that was tacky and she went off about how nobody was gonna cheat her! I laugh about it now but I was hot that day! :lol:

kimmie

March 9th, 2011
11:23 am

Purple – Do you have that t-shirt in more than one color? :lol:

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
11:23 am

Dan-I guess it depends on what YOUR definition of a what a “real man or woman is”. Everyone’s is different as evidenced by the debate going on here today.

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:23 am

@PR

You simply state it.

Not everyone out here is dating to find/build/have a relationship. Some women/men want a free meal, some women/men are lonely, some women/men are after to the “coo-coo”, some just want company, and some don’t know what they want.

Fact is, after 18, I would hope that people are having these conversations about expectations and desires in dating first with themselves, and then with a potential mate. And the fact is, that not everyone is doing that.

So, yeah, asking a woman to go Dutch ain’t all that strange (given the aforementioned factors).

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
11:25 am

@kimmie ~ no matter how you spell it, WOW!

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
11:26 am

@Come on

Then do you feel it appropriate for you to impose or project your definition of “real” onto someone else? If so, is it appropriate for them to judged by your standard or on a case – by – case basis?

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
11:26 am

When I take a woman out I am looking to be impressed by her conversation, her style, her ettiquette, if she is engaging or not.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
11:29 am

People have different standards of what’s acceptable and what is not. You have to find someone for you.