accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

How do you pull off going Dutch?

I received an email from one of our male readers seeking some advice.  He wants to know if it’s possible to go Dutch on a date without sending the wrong message.  Is there a way to successfully ask someone out, plan an outing, and go on a date paying your own way or splitting the costs?

Do you think it can be done if you pick the right person and circumstances?

In my experience, going Dutch was only bad because of the “caught off guard” situations.  You know, that time when someone asks you out and don’t mention that they have no intentions of paying your way.  If you know beforehand that you wanted the date to be Dutch, you should say so. Give the person the opportunity to make a fully informed decision before agreeing to it.

What do you think? Does going Dutch automatically mean it’s a “bad” date?  When was the last time you paid your own way on a date?  What did you and how did it come to be a “Dutch” date?

It you had to pick between no date and going Dutch, which would you pick?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

345 comments Add your comment

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:02 am

Are you new or just using a different name?

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:03 am

Purple Rain–AMEN!

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:05 am

Purple Rain-I’m new. I’ve been “lurking” for quite a few months and have enjoyed reading everyone’s comments. I finally decided about a week ago to contribute so here I am :-)

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:06 am

Why is paying with a coupon not good? Heck, I love KC Pit BBQ and use to have coupons to eat there. You’re still out on the date, enjoying each other’s company. Is it really about him dishing out money. Food w/the coupons, drinks out of his own pocket, may have to pay for parking. I guess it’s just me. I’ll go back to my corner.

Blackfoote

March 9th, 2011
10:08 am

In this economy some men are willing to pay for a night out. Things like this should never change it ought to be in his instincts and not on his ego for impressive purposes but to say to her with out using any words I got you covered. There also things you can do that cost nothing it’s all about using imagination.

Raining And It’s Still A Great Day:

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:09 am

Leggs-No, it’s not about the money. For me, it’s jut not a good first impression. If we’re exclusively dating then you can pull out the coupons. But on a first date? I’m sorry but I’m going to have to say no. If you don’t have the cash to pay outright for it on the first date then choose something else. But that’s just my preference.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:14 am

Blackfoote, great comment.

Leggs, one might wonder if the only reason you can go to said establishment is because he had a coupon? Not saying it’s bad to use them…just don’t use them on a first date.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:14 am

Same token he should not overspend either on a first date. Whatever standard you set is the one you have to keep up.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:15 am

@Blackfoote

I understand that some guys are willing to drop a lot on women but also alot of guys have to be careful not to spend a lot of money on a woman they just met. I say for the first date, the maximum is $50.00 because you don’t know anything about the woman so you are getting to know her. She may not even be worth that. She may just be a happy hour, applebee/chili’s margarita type. Guys just have to be careful not to send the wrong message by spending to much money on the first date.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:16 am

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:17 am

because as a woman I have the means to pay for things does not mean that now courting or dating should be that much different than it was 50 years ago.
COME Sure it does, at least based on the way I presented the argument. If courting was based on the socioeconomic standing of a woman, then when that standing changes the method of courting should also change because it’s based on that standing to begin with.

Now I know it’s just a matter of time before the “If a man has to keep a tab of how much he paid, then…blah blah blah” crew comes in. It’s always easy for them to say this because there’s never anything on their tab. lol

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:18 am

I agree with your post M. .

@PR ~ I guess that would enter one’s mind.

Blackfoote

March 9th, 2011
10:20 am

Come out of that corner…..LOL
We have varying degrees of preferences here and yours is not any less than any other. But dude should hold back on the coupons till the next time out

Whats Up Purple:

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
10:20 am

From my point of view, the fact that a guy does use coupons makes a good impression. It tells me that he is not going to pay more for something than he has to just because it looks good. IMO, that’s evidence of practical money management skills.

Randyt (aka "I resemble this)

March 9th, 2011
10:21 am

“Should she pay…shouldn’t she pay”

The economics have changed…but not the social etiquette. Man should still pay. Above and beyond that, if the woman pays and you two hit it off, then the man loses a few points/edge in the power struggle game which eventually develops either a little or a lot.

As strange and cruel as it sounds, money (control of) and power (real or imagined) still go hand in hand.

Dan - Simply....Superior

March 9th, 2011
10:22 am

@PR – (9:13) exactly right

@PR – (9:16) – Right again

The point of a date is not for me to impress her, it’s for us to decide if we like each other at all and enough to go forward on more dates.

If, at the end of a first meeting, I’m impressed and she’s impressed, if I ask her out again, of course I’m paying. If there is no mutual impression, we exchange church hugs and KIP.

The confusion lies in between: custom, chilvary, and experience.

Custom is what’s been done, chivalry is what should be done, and experience is what has worked/not worked.

If there is a tension between the three, both parties should go with their gut IMO.

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:22 am

M.-Agreed. Please believe if I decide to take my man out and pay, I’m going to take him somewhere that’s in my price range…whatever that may be. If I don’t have 5 star money, I’m not going to take you to a 5 star restaurant because that’s me just perpetrating. Same thing goes for a man. Don’t go into debt trying to woo a woman. That’s not a good look. Because like M. said, the standard you set in the beginning is what you will be expected to keep up.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:22 am

LOL @ Blackfoote! Great, cuz no one puts Baby in the corner!

I’m with you, SexyC. Guess they’re saying coupons are good just not on the first date. It seems to say something about your character.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:23 am

@Leggs

Thanks just my thoughts. I think every guy messed up and blew too much money on a first date. Do you remember last year we had this conversation and one of the guys (he will remain nameless) said he dropped $250.00 on the first date? #OHNO!

DJ Sniper

March 9th, 2011
10:25 am

Whenever I’ve asked a woman on a date, I’ve always done so with the notion of paying for the date. There have been situations where we may have gone more than one place and she offered to pick up the tab for something, but I’ve never suggested that we go dutch. Then again, I’ve never been the type to drop a buttload of money on a date early on in the process. I don’t get dudes who do that, then complain when stuff doesn’t really go their way. Keep it light and you’ll be fine.

Somebody earlier mentioned that driving is something a woman shouldn’t do when she’s with a man. I gotta disagree with that one. There’s nothing wrong with the woman driving from time to time.

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
10:25 am

I’ve not ever dated anyone for any real length of time that did not impress me in some way.

Blackfoote

March 9th, 2011
10:25 am

M.:

Absolutely you can’t just fling cash around like it’s confetti unles you’re a rapper or want to be baller. But good judgement is your best defense.

Decaturite

March 9th, 2011
10:26 am

It makes a bad impression if the man invites but expects the woman to go dutch. If he plans a hike and packs sandwiches and fruit and takes her for a hike or to fly a kite, that is plenty impressive. The couple can stop for hot chocolate at Starbucks on the way back. If she earns reasonable money and he doesn’t, I think it would be nice if she offered to pay her own way, hypothetically.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:26 am

Who cares if I pay with cash, a coupon, a favor, or washing dishes? What does it mean? I can eat at any establishment I want and pay cash, but why would I if I can save money? Who would do that? The LA fitness by my job offers a discount to employees at our company. While I can comfortably pay the full price, why in the world would I not take advantage of the discount? To prove to some superficial people that I can? Seriously??? If I’m on a date with you, it’s becaue I want to spend time with you. I don’t care about all the that extra, just want to spend time with you.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:27 am

@M. ~ I most certainly do remember the convo last year and it popped in my head as well.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:27 am

@COME ON NOW

Yup how you start is how you end. You cant just start her at Ruth Chris and next date switch it up to Golden Coral…lol shes going to look at you crazy.

And honestly I think women would look at a guy crazy if he spends a lot of money on every woman he meets. Like if you had a brother, cousin, guy friend and everytime you see him, he is on a $200 date, he would look foolish, Am I right?

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:28 am

Again, my point, DreamsM!

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:29 am

DM-your 10:17, sorry, but i don’t agree. I guess I’m straight up old school because I don’t care if I have a lot of money, I still expect the man to pay for the date. I think I’m going to listen to my parents on this one.

If a man has a problem paying for a date then don’t date. Plain and simple.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:29 am

@M. ~ all depends on how he rolls. If he’s swinging from the rafters like they do in Dubai, then no, he wouldn’t look foolish! :wink:

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:33 am

Flipside, if he is using a coupon that does not mean that he is frugal, he could have found a good deal this one time and decided to take it. All of your other dates will be at the McDonald’s 2 Big Macs for the price of one for the rest of the month…..No upsize. LOL

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:34 am

@Leggs

Ok glad you remembered that convo. Thats the thing that hit me lol $250.00 I wonder how it worked out with her?

Also ladies I saw on a blog yesterday where the writer was saying how some women think they are in relationships when they really arent.

Example: Ladies if he is still taking you to restaurants with pictures on the menu, you need to step your game up LOL so true! Most nice places print the menus and no pictures!

Randyt (aka "I resemble this)

March 9th, 2011
10:35 am

“it’s for us to decide if we like each other at all and enough to go forward on more dates”

What I want is to move to “comfortable” as quickly as possible because “dating” can be a tad superficial. For me, the pattern I try to stick with is this…
Date 1…nice medium level restaurant, i.e Carrabas, Pappadeaux, Ippolitos…good conversation, maybe go after dinner for a glass of wine somewhere more quiet.
Date 2…day trip, Stone Mountain maybe, maybe a hike (not killer, just pleasant)…
Date 3…cook together, my house or hers, soft music on sound system, good wine, maybe a slow dance in the kitchen (okay this is important for the ones who may not be getting the message, but this means guys not sprawling your azz out on the couch with the Playstation 3 while she cooks, GET IT!!)…

Date 4 This one is interesting, you need to, IMHO, find a “comfort” date…fun but low stress. Cheap dinner at Taco Mac and home to watch a Blu Ray.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:35 am

@PR ~ first part of your post on point. Second part sounds like you spilled some McDee coffee in your lap and can now only speak jibberish.

COME ON NOW

March 9th, 2011
10:37 am

Hey, if you want to use coupons on a first date then by all means do so. For me it’s not cool on a first date. I’m not opposed to them using them ever, just not on a first date.

Let’s be real, the whole LA Fitness discount thing: people don’t automatically know that you are using a discount when you go there to workout. But a person knows that you are using a coupon on a date cuz they see you pull that badboy out.

It’s not about being superficial, but for me, I just don’t think it appropriate to use one on a first date. But hey, some women don’t have a problem with a guy using coupons on a first date. Just find the person that is like-minded in that regard and you should have no problem.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:38 am

I guess I’m straight up old school because I don’t care if I have a lot of money, I still expect the man to pay for the date.
COME Like I said in my first post, this topic is always a losing battle for guys. Women get to have their cake and eat it too on this one. It’s just the way it is. You just get labeled as cheap or not a “real” man, no matter how logical your argument is. I go along with the norm, not because I agree, but because it’s better to know which battles to fight, and this one ain’t worth the casualties. lol

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
10:38 am

P-lito – Whether or not someone is a Frugal Freddie or Broke-O is something that would be discovered during the process of getting to know him better.

One thing that can become fairly evident is a person’s financial personality, if not necessarily their financial status. It is up to me to make a decision about whether to continue developing this relationship or part company based on what I learn.

kimmie

March 9th, 2011
10:39 am

Morning crew!

Purple, I’m really feeling you this morning! :)

Dutch in it’s purist form is only for when I go out with friends and coworkers. It’s not a date, I don’t care how you all put it. I’m with Purple, a man spends his time and money on what he values. Period. Now, absolutely, I help out once we are established and at times cover everything. A dude won’t get the benefit of my generosity if he doesn’t come correct and stick around though. But whomever does the asking does the paying, that’s the way I was taught and the way I roll.

As for the flip-flopping with the womens independence thing, men use it to their advantage as well. They play the “women want to be equal” card when they see it might benefit them or they want to justify being cheap and sorry. Men can argue that women are getting over till the cows come home. Too many dudes nowadays don’t want to be real men. They are confused. You men can get mad at me all you want, but I’m not debating it. Yeah, I said it and that’s how I feel and nothing is going to change it. Whining over some tired dudes pennies puts a bad taste in my mouth anyway. If you can’t hang with the big boys, take your ball and go home. Or like other smart men on the blog have said today, do things within your means. Quit making yourself look silly trying to lead with an empty wallet instead of the good sense God gave you.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:40 am

@Randyt

I see your system but I dont agree with the date 3 idea really. Im not sure if Im really trying to eat her cooking just yet. Everybody who thinks they can cook really cant cook lol.

And the slow dancing by the dishwasher lol….Do your thing Randyt lol…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:43 am

Whining over some tired dudes pennies puts a bad taste in my mouth anyway.
Did I call it or what? Love you kimmie! ;-)

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
10:44 am

One other useless bit of information…don’t ever get such a fat head that you don’t think you can learn a few new tricks.
Watch a woman’s body language,
LISTEN, don’t be selling so dayum hard,
Move the conversation around to different topics until you see a light come on in her eyes, and then explore that,
Don’t be afraid to ask her about the path that brought her to this time and place.
Simply stated, show INTEREST in HER…she will reciprocate at the proper time if she is a keeper.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:45 am

You see, M., RandyT’s Date #3 sounds like a lot of fun. Cooking together is another way of learning things about a person. Plus, there’s a lot of laughter when cooking together.

Randyt (aka "Been There, Done That, Got a Closet Full of T-shirts))

March 9th, 2011
10:46 am

I understand your concern re the cooking M, so I tend to steer it toward my house, because whether anything happens or not, at least I am assured of eating something I like ;-)

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:46 am

LOL so before the first date you ask her how much she makes then determine if you two should go dutch or not. LOL

kimmie, glad you are feeling me. In the mirror this morning when looking at myself I knew that you would love my new “kimmie rulez” shirt LOL How are you?

Sexy Cool, everyone has different standards and ideas. I just would not use a coupon on the first date.

And as far as how much you spend on the first date…it’s all relative on your income. When I made $30k I would not spend over 50. When I got into the 70k range I didn’t mind spending $100, when my salary went higher than that she could get what she wanted. Because I was comfortable with it…and I didnt have to rely on a coupon. But yet still had tons in savings.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 9th, 2011
10:47 am

@Randyt

Yup always have to ask questions that make her seem interesting and you seem interested.

@Leggs

Im not knocking the Date 3, I just think its to early…I would move it to like date 6 or 7.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:47 am

COME
First you say, “people don’t automatically know that you are using a discount when you go there to workout. But a person knows that you are using a coupon on a date cuz they see you pull that badboy out.”

Then you say, “It’s not about being superficial,…”

If you base your actions on whether people know or not, is that not superficial?

Realistic

March 9th, 2011
10:49 am

Expecting someone to pay your bill is the tacky part. You shouldn’t assume that a stranger for the most part is going to pick up your tab. And if you don’t even look at the check or offer that’s even more tacky and along the lines of being a gold digger. First you break a guy by expecting him to pay for everything and then you dump him because he’s broke from paying for your fancy dinners that you probably don’t even finish. You shouldn’t pay for someone else’s stuff until you know the person is actually worth the expense. Not the other way around. If you don’t see a guy again because he doesn’t pay for your food then you’re probably not worth it, illogical and too shallow to see again anyway.

It’s not 1922 when women had no “real” jobs and therefore no money. Women are heads of households now and can pay their own way unless they just want to be that helpless little lady of old. This tradition of “taking care” of the lady by paying her way is antiquated now that women make enough to take care of themselves. It’s one thing to be courteous and open doors and quite another to spend someone elses money. It’s two separate issues so don’t associate the two because I know you’ll try.

SexyCool

March 9th, 2011
10:49 am

I would much rather a person pull out a coupon and pay cash on a date than have him pull out a credit card that is damn near maxed out and he can only affort to make the minimum payments.

Leggs

March 9th, 2011
10:50 am

Nice spin, DreamsM!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 9th, 2011
10:51 am

I don’t think you need to order the dates. Feel out the woman you’re dating and go with what feels appropriate. Everyone is different.

Purple Rain

March 9th, 2011
10:53 am

Who would use a credit card and on a first date how would you know that it is near maxed it. Maybe it’s just a debit card. A budget is a budget some folks use credit cards for odd things and not just emergencies to each his own. But you have to pay to play.

I mean you could save money by not flushing the toilet everytime you go to the bathroom you can go shopping and just by off brand groceries. The point I am making is that