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Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

Yep

March 4th, 2011
6:09 am

I got married last May to my wife in New Hampshire. We are both women. Our marriage is not recognized in this state because of the discrimination written in the Georgia Constitution that denies me the legal right to marry whom I want. Sanctity of marriage my a$$. If the religious zealots here really want to protect the sanctity of marriage they should lobby for outlawing divorce and jailing ALL adulterers, including their precious pastors and politicians.

jackie

March 4th, 2011
6:28 am

Yep, I don’t care.

KB

March 4th, 2011
7:06 am

Yikes, I’m in this situation now – although she hasn’t said “Never,” she’s said she “May Not” ever get married again. She’s good in many other ways; we’re compatible, but she’s about to start nursing school this summer, which will take up much of her time.
I’m leaning toward sticking around, showing her that she can depend on me. But what if that “May Not” does indeed turn into “Never.”
I don’t have the answer to that right now.

Seven

March 4th, 2011
7:25 am

@Yep: our jails are overcrowded as it is…putting those folks in there would break the walls. :-)

Really, kudos to you and your partner for taking the step and committing to each other. That is important, no matter what your sexual preference may be.

Seven

March 4th, 2011
7:27 am

The divorce rate indicates that the ’sanctity’ of marriage no longer exists. And marriage doesn’t guarantee that either one of you will be faithful.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
7:33 am

on Topic…marriage IS scary, but if you really find the one you want to be with, to confide in, one who you can be true friends and vulnerable with…it still could be wonderful. What I never understood is co-habitating just to make booty calls convenient. If the feeling isn’t deeper than hit and run, to me dating is better if for no other reason than you don’t get as complacent and take it other for granted. Just my take but whatever floats YOUR boat, go for it.

@ Yep …why stay mad all the time? You chose your lifestyle (not your sexual persuasion, but actual involvement) in a culture that is changing, but it takes time. Society is becoming more accepting evey day. Enjoy what you have, who you have it with, and appreciate the fact that the wind is blowing in the direction you want to go.

PR in GA

March 4th, 2011
7:36 am

I am a ” Marrying” type.. I just met ” The One” and he is the marrying type also… I explained this all to him on the 1st date.. I’m not the type to date for 3 – 5 years and then slowly decide should we get married… At 47 years old I know what I want and what I don’t want and at this age I’m not afraid to say so right away… Fate was on my side when I met my other half and the stars were aligned just perfect. If, you lay everything out to start with you’ll know if they are the one…Had to kiss a lot of frogs but I finally found my KING!!!!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
7:43 am

Slight side observation…not a good idea to assume that if someone you find attractive is married, that he/she is the “marrying type” LOL. If they will stray on their spouse, then don’t give me that confused look when they stray on you, married to you or not.

Edgar Allen

March 4th, 2011
8:08 am

63% od people polled thought that marriage is an outdated institution. For some, they can live with it, but I lean towards the quote by Bradley Cooper “When you get married, you die just a little bit every day.” No…I did it once, rode that bicycle and got off willingly. I have a hard time finding a married couple that when seperated from them would say “Yeah, I’d do it all over again.”

FHM

March 4th, 2011
8:15 am

Sorry, I’ll take the “Just dating” or “Cohabitate” scene every day of the week and twice on Saturday and Sunday. Marraige breeds monotony, routine and apathy. Way too many spouses figure that they have run the race and crossed the finish line, so they stop working at it. Women think that marraige and relationships should “just come” instead of having to continue working at it. Men think that the woman will stay just like she was when they dated and they never do. You can have a relationship…a dedicated and monogamous relationship, without the pressure, the trapped feeling and without having to give up half of everything you have earned when you break up. The DIFFERENCE is that both parties know that if they stop doing what brought them together, the other can leave without the money and legal upheaval.

Punishment/Reward

March 4th, 2011
8:21 am

I looked Marriage up in the dictionary and it read “The institution of suffering, yet faking enjoyment.” It’s a trap, plain and simple. That’s why women look at a man when they ceremony is over and walking back up the aisle “I’ve got you right where I want you. You fell for it. There are no more pleasantries and no more rose petals. i can do and act any way I want to and if you don’t like it, I’ll just take a hefty check and half of everything that you own.” Marriage was definately a woman’s idea.

Why?

March 4th, 2011
8:25 am

I’ve had that happen to my a number of times. Date for a few months, I think he’s the right guy, he’s nice, courteous and attractive. As soon as I bring up topics and how he feels about marriage, they look like a deer in the headlights and the whole relationship changes, then disappears. Are men afraid of commitment that much? What about getting married frightens men so much? Do they think that every marriage will be like the lousy ones that they hear about? It depresses me so much.

Rocket Scientist

March 4th, 2011
8:34 am

I will never get married and here’s why. 1) No one stays the same after the ceremony, 2) Women act all fun, happy and alive when they are dating. When they get married, they think they need to be our mothers and tell us when to do something, the right way to do something and if we don’t treat their opinions like it is God himself speaking, they get offended and make us pay for it for weeks on end. 3) Men crave the excitement, the sponteneity and overall happiness that comes with dating a woman that is smart, but not overly opinionated, pretty, but not obsessive about her looks and helpful, but not always “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude. The good things stop after marraige. You become married to your mother. We spnt 20 years doing what we were told and we don’t want another 50.

Melania

March 4th, 2011
8:34 am

All I know is don’t waste your time waiting for someone to change their mind….When he/she tells you who they are, respect that and beleive them…keep it movin!

Good Morning all and Have a Great Weekend! :)

Abracadabra

March 4th, 2011
8:40 am

Want to lose your identity? How about devoid of any welcomed input? Want to be nagged every day about every decision you make? Want to be blamed with every problem that exists within the relationship? Want to usher your happy sex life enter a would of being pleutonic? How about about simply being wrong about everything you have been doing your entire life?

Just sign here and put the ring on her finger. It’s a wrap!

Breezy

March 4th, 2011
8:48 am

I’ve been divorced twice and, at this point, it’s not my intention to ever remarry. But I’m not going to say never. If the right situation presents itself then it may be a Go. My problem is, why do I always get involved with men who have had crappy marriages and I have to pay for the misdeeds of their previous wive(s). I have let go of the events that happened in my marriages, why can’t they.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
8:54 am

GOOD MORNING, TGIF!!!

That’s why women look at a man when they ceremony is over and walking back up the aisle “I’ve got you right where I want you.

@Punishment/Reward ~ I have a friend who told me when they were walking out of the church his new bride turned to him and said “I got you now MFer!” WOW! Like she turned into Linda Blair from The Exorcist! They divorced 26 years later!

If and when the topic of marriage comes up, that is when I’ll let it be known I have no interest in it.

Fion

March 4th, 2011
9:02 am

I said it before and I’ll say it again, Marriage is a fine Institution.
The problem with it is “You’ve got too many Bad Sales people out here Pimpin’ the Product!

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:07 am

‘i can do and act any way I want to and if you don’t like it, I’ll just take a hefty check and half of everything that you own’

Why is it that dudes think all women want to do is take your ish? My mom has been married more than one time and NEVER gave a rats azz about leaving with half of anything. I just was never raised to be that consumed with ‘things’. If it isn’t mine, then I have no want to try to take it from you, whether i’ve fallen out of love with you or not. But maybe it’s a mere exception from the rule

Robert1964

March 4th, 2011
9:16 am

Slim, while your attitude is an honorable one, that not the case with a lot of people. My ex-wife never had to work a day in her life. I was a pilot for Delta and , granted, I was gone on flights for days on end. I never cheated. I found out that my wife had had no fewer than five lovers during the eleven years that we were married. She got my house, a nice monetary settlement and half of my retirement. I live in an apartment now and she still lives in my five bedroom, three story house. I guess you could say I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:20 am

Robert – I’m in no shape, form or fashion saying there aren’t terrible scenarios such as yours that occur. However, that is not the mindset of every chick. Frankly, I’m sorry for your lose…5-bedroom house and all :-(

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
9:20 am

TGIF!

Fion – after reading some of these comments I totally agree with you. Im divorced and I dont have even half the negative outlook on marriage that is expressed here. GEESH! Like you said, Marriage is fine, its the people in the marriage that are the issue.

Now I dont knock bad marriage experiences, it happens. We read/see it everyday, however that isnt the case for ALL marriages.

I plan to marry again someday……my divorce wasnt all my spouse’s fault and I wont act as if there were some things I couldnt have done better/differently.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:23 am

I like the way you said that Fion, “pimping the product!” NICE!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
9:24 am

“Why is it that dudes think all women want to do is take your ish?”

Slim — You’re not alone… Not all women are out to take their husbands to the cleaners in a divorce. But the reason that scenario is so prominent in guy’s minds is that if she does want to take him to the cleaners, everything is set up in her favor to do so.

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
9:35 am

@Fion~ Marriage is a fine Institution

I agree, and it can work if you respect each other regardless of whether you disagree or not about a matter. Although, I am divorced I desire to try it again and make the best of it as I don’t intend to cohabit and just exist.

Marriage takes work like anything else and both people must recognize you are still two individuals within a union. Your personalities and decision may be different, however you compromise and make decisions for the benefit of both by getting on one accord. My parents have been married for 41 years and that is a testament in itself!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:36 am

@SlimNU ~ just read your comment on Le-a. Girl, I am cracking up. That is just ridi*cu*lous, but very funny!

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
9:36 am

Morning,

Why so much bitter this lovely morning?

Disappointed? Mentally rehashing? If you’re stuck doing either of these you’re aren’t growing. What happened in the past is the past. No point in mulling over the wouldas couldas shouldas. I find so much more on the other side of “having learned better.” So what marriage wasn’t the outcome of the one you thought was “the one.” If it didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be. I like the place I’m in and really don’t find myself consumed with wanting to get married. Neither do I sit and watch and wish and compare my life to others. More often than not the picture you’re looking and so wishing for is nowhere near what it seems. Live life…whatever is meant to happen will happen.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:37 am

Swiss – I get it…i really do. Life is simply just CWAZY!!

Fion

March 4th, 2011
9:37 am

Not justification, but conversation.
Sometimes I think about my Old nieghborhood, riding my bike during the summer.
There was a dog at the end of the street “Tiger”. You could always count on Tiger to chase
you on your bike and give you a thrill.
I think alot of women view Marrage the way Tiger viewed chasing things.
You’ve perfected the chase part,
The real question I don’t think a lot of women consider is ” what do I do when
I catch that Bike! (Man)

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
9:38 am

@ Mo:
I totally agree with you. For you people that have been married and divorced, stop acting like your stuff doesn’t stink. You chose your spouse. I’m sorry your marriage ended in divorce but TRUST ME, you had a hand in it. Stop always painting yourself to be the victim. I know plenty of people who have awesome marriages so all this talk about marriage being horrible is stupid. People don’t want to work at anything anymore. They always have an excuse as to why they are not going to do something and have no idea what it takes to stay married. Dang, I mean, you can’t even walk 10 feet without someone making an excuse. STOP IT. The institution of marriage is not outdated. If you don’t want to get married again that’s your choice, but stop always trying to blast marriage. Maybe YOU weren’t ready to get married. Maybe YOU didn’t have what it took to keep it together. That doesn’t mean that everyone else is doomed.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
9:41 am

You chose your spouse. I’m sorry your marriage ended in divorce but TRUST ME, you had a hand in it. Stop always painting yourself to be the victim

I agree with this. When I first read this morning, I mean every dude blamed the wife for either the bad situation currently in or the demise. Folks love to come on here and blame the other. Take responsibility for your part. I honestly thought unless these dudes all married shotgun, ummm why complain and blame. And I seriously doubt somebody’s daddy made them marry.

abc

March 4th, 2011
9:42 am

If you find the right woman, marriage is awesome. Otherwise, marriage can be your life’s ruin. A marriage that’s a covenant before God has a much better chance at being a happy and fruitful union than one that’s not.

I would venture to say that many people who declare they’ll never marry just haven’t met the right person yet. Someone who’d make such a declaration and never consider that could change probably has enough baggage about it that nobody would want to marry them, anyway. I’d think folks like that would be pretty easy to spot.

Not that there’s anything wrong with never marrying. It ain’t for everyone, just as being a parent isn’t for everyone.

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
9:43 am

@Robert1964~ Just know that every dog has their day!

Your grievance is understandable.

Kiss of a Rose

March 4th, 2011
9:45 am

The truth is marriage is all about suffering. Can you suffer with this person until you die? They say to death do us part or for better or for worst. People don’t understand that madness when they get married. Woman are in it for security and man are in it for the sex. Reality hits us, I have to be her best friend. I have listen to her and talk and talk and talk. If you truly love a woman, you are going to suffer with this woman by not sleeping around and by being the best provider you can be for her. Period. If you don’t love this woman, then wear a condom and have fun and don’t get married. Period. People we are all getting older, we have to learn to be honest with people that are in our lives. In the end people want love and property. Woman want security and they will find security with or without a man. People who want to get married, you have throw it all out on the table, so you can scare the people who want to use you for sex and hurt you in this life. Period.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:46 am

Well, I for one will raise my hand and say the demise of my marriage was the fault of both of us. I don’t knock marriage. It’s great for those who want it. It’s just something I doubt I’ll ever do again. I know they say “never say never,” so I’ll just say I highly doubt it. I do realize marriage can be a beautiful institution when BOTH parties are in it together and work together in keeping the marriage vibrant, happy, loving and respectful.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
9:54 am

Now that I have said my piece to all the Negative Nellies out there, back to the questions at hand:

“For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?”

NOPE and NOPE. I believe in marriage. I don’t believe in shacking and wasting my time without a real committment. To those that say that you can have said committment without being married…BULL. Just another excuse for you to not work at it. It’s really easy to just walk away from something. It takes a very strong person to actually work it out. But hey, I believe that some people just aren’t cut out to be married. And I get that some people don’t ever want to get married. If that’s you, please, DO YOU. But as for me and mine, I believe in marriage and I believe that one day I will find the one that feels the same way I do.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 4th, 2011
10:08 am

Good friday everyone.

I think in the current generation, the idea of marriage is definatley being questioned; from areas of companionship, financially, and if it is required/needed for life happiness. I think a lot of men and women are cynical going into the idea of marriage.

If I did not plan on marrying, I would tell the person ASAP and let them decide if they want to stay or go.

I think a lot of women are trying to balance their work/home life and at times, feel like there is not room for both.

@Punishment/Reward LOL!

Fion

March 4th, 2011
10:17 am

-Wise
“You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.”

Hay Wise, stop the maddness. You only have to do 1-thing. STATE YOUR INTENTIONS UP FRONT.
If marriage is on your mind, tell the man out of the gate ‘I’m Marriage Minded”. Guess what Wise, it it cut all the crap.
Why the long drawn out Ka-boo-kie dance. If ya Grown, be Grown. You don’t have to play “50 questions, Say what you want up front.

Edward

March 4th, 2011
10:23 am

That’s fine if you want to get married, but stereotypes are brought on by repeated experiences from the same scenario. They just don’t create themselves. If you have a good stereotype, then you got that from from your experiences. The bad stereotypes……. Marriage is getting bad rap, by and large from Hollywood (what we want it to look like-movies) and from our surroundings, as well as Hollywood again (all the quick marriages, infidelity, nasty dicorces). To each their own. I’m maried, but have decided that we were best when we were dating. Nothing I can do about it now. Just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes divorce IS too expensive. People change and not always for the better. Do I have something to do with the state of affairs? Absolutely. Am I the only cause? Nope. I saw it posted before that marriage breeds complacency. Truer words have never been spoken.It takes two to tango, but only one to play the music. If I were to find myself back in the single life, I would shun a repeat like a vampire from sunlight.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:25 am

@ Fion:

DING DING DING!!! Tell him what he’s won Alex!

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:29 am

@ Edward:

Have you just decided that your marriage is what it is or are you going to do something to try to change it so that it doesn’t end in divorce? I know that you can only control your actions so what are YOU going to do?

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:40 am

Today on the doctors…home remedies

Soat throat in kids….give gummie bears. The glycerin coats their throats
Athletes Foot..white potatoes and vinegar
Unhealthy hair….mayonnaise, eggs and beer…coat hair, wrap in saran wrap, blow dry about 20 minutes
Sunburn….lettuce
Bad Breath…cranberry juice (swoosh/rinse out)
Knee pain….knee cap dance…flex muscle

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
10:40 am

Leggs – my co-worker sent me that joke and boy did I need that laugh yesterday. Folks just HAVE to be all OVERLY creative lol

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
10:43 am

Come On Now~I agree with your 9:54a post wholeheartedly :)

It’s good to know that some people still believe that marriage still exist and can work!

Edward~I agree that marriage is getting a bad rap, and it doesn’t make it any better when you have examples from Hollyweird making it look like the norm. It seems that some aren’t taking the vows they exchange seriously instead they’re floating through the motions of a fairy tale dream!

Edward

March 4th, 2011
10:43 am

@Come on now…Basically, we are at a stand off. I’ve suggested couseling, but she just bristles at the thought and doesn’t want anyone telling her what she needs, feels or what she should change. She says that “this” is what she needs and wants in a marriage and that I’m not offering that. Any attempts on my part to meet those needs and it “Isn’t what she was talking about” or “Not quite right”. I think she is just making excuses and has no plans to change anything about her or her expectations. She has already walked out of one session with a therapist almost a year ago when she heard something she didn’t agree with. Does that crystalize it for you? Everything has to be on her wave length because she believes in her heart that she is right and anyone that doesn’t quite see it that way doesn’t understand her.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:52 am

More from The Doctors on home remedies

A dab of vanilla extract on the back of neck and/or ears repel gnats
Headache but no medicine…rub hands through hair and slightly pull..repeat for a couple of minutes..will ease.
Age spots….rub white potato
Got the blues or in a funk….walk or jog

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:53 am

@ Edward:

WOW. You know normally, from what I’ve seen, it’s the man that doesn’t want to go to counseling for the very reason you say she doesn’t want to go. I commend you for suggesting that you both go. In her defense (simply because she isn’t here to rebutt) I’m sure she has her side of the story. Like Dr. Phil says, “no matter how much you flatten it, every pancake has 2 sides.” That is a serious situation and it’s hard when the other person is not willing to do anything. But, you guys did get married and said the “for better or for worse” vows. The only thing I can say, which you may not want to hear, is to keep working at it. Be/keep being the BEST absolute husband you can be. Make up your mind that you are going to love her no matter how ugly she’s being to you. I don’t know if you guys are religious or not but maybe you need to go to counseling at your church. I pray that things get back on track for you.

Fion

March 4th, 2011
10:53 am

I’m gonna drop this and I got to jet,

From my perspective (the male), most women want to get married and be married. Being a “Wife”, that’s a whole nother story.
That’s the dividing line “be married /// being a Wife. Lot of Folk will run to that ‘be married line”, that “Wife line’ kinda small.
Like they say a lot of’em went, but only a few were called!

Marriage is not a reaction to a relationship, but rather the evolution of it.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:54 am

Jimmy Choos slingbacks on Ebay for the low low $229

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:59 am

@ Heart&Soul:

Thanks. I guess the thing that bothers me is when the topic of marriage comes up, all you hear normally are the people who are against it or who are miserable in theirs. The ones who are happily married, it’s like you don’t hear anything from them about how happy they are. Not one person on this blog today, if they are happily married, has talked about marriage in a positive way. Why is that? I guess it’s because no one is happily married, LOL. Dang.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:06 am

I have to remember the tip on gnats…thanks.

“Not one person on this blog today, if they are happily married, has talked about marriage in a positive way. Why is that?” Because Raqi V hasn’t popped in yet, no has PR or i’m swiss or PoppaG.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
11:11 am

Leggs – I was just about to list all those people as well!

Happily married folks dont mind sharing as Raqi, PR and PoppaG do on a regular here

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:14 am

Well hopefully they’ll pop in at some point so we can have some balance here. JEEZ. Although, it is Friday so I won’t hold my breath.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:23 am

Exactly, Mo. Nor do I think it’s very negative here with some of the comments. Some people had bad experiences and view marriage in a different way. Only a handful are actually tearing marriage apart (lol).

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:26 am

Morning people! Happy Friday!

I am a new auntie again – my new little nephew was born this morning!

COME ON NOW – I love your 9:38 & 9:54. It gives me positive reinforcement. I am newly engaged for the first time, so obviously I believe in marriage. My fiance’ is widowed, but believes in marriage as well. Don’t do shacking, parents raised me differently. I just sort of skimmed over the other posts – topics like this always bring out the bitter. Don’t need or desire to read all that negetivity. But folks have their experiences and are entitled to live as they wish. It’s the beautiful thing about living in a free country!

Oh and Leggs – How much do you want to bet you get married again? I just have a feeling about you, don’t ask me why. :)

Luv ya!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
11:28 am

Morning
You should be up front and honest about what’s important to you, whether it’s marriage or anything else. I think marriage is great when it involves two people who genuinely want that. If you’re doing it for any other reason, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. The problem with marriage and relationships in general is that people aren’t honest (with themselves or others) about what they want. People present themselves one way and then act another way later. It’s the ol’ bait and switch.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:33 am

@kimmie ~ I’ve been told that before. :lol: :lol: :shock: Oh boy!

Luv ya too! It’s ok to type those words, don’t say them outloud. :lol:

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:37 am

Kimmie- I’m glad you didn’t read the negative posts. Sometimes I think the reason a lot of people have bad outlooks/opinions about marriage (and I’m really just talking about people who have never been married) is because they continuously here negative comments about it. Or maybe they’ve just never seen a healthy marriage. But looking to Hollywood to mirror yourself after…that’s just about the dumbest thing to do. I guess it’s true that you can hear 1 million positive things and not think anything of it, but hear 1 negative thing and you’ll believe it.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
11:38 am

I’m in this situation right now. My SO had a really bad marriage that he stayed in for 8 years (his choice) and has a bad taste in his mouth about it and says he doesn’t want to do it again. I flat out told him that I will get married eventually and I hope it’s with him. I try not to push the subject since it’s only been just over a year, but I’ve told him that I’m not going to “date” forever. I’m hoping and praying that eventually he will change his mind. I’m showing him that I’m not her. He has said that he will with me forever and give me his heart, but he doesn’t need a piece of paper telling him that we’re married. I told him that I do need that. We live together and act like a married couple anyways, so why not just do it in a couple of years. He says that marriage changes everything, but my view is that it only does that if you let it. I believe in keeping the sparks alive. It’s something both people have to work on. I don’t think that s*x has to “stop” after the wedding…I want it all the time anyway! :-) He’s also made the argument that if we got divorced I would get everything. Funny thing…he’s a musician and makes very little money…I already have everything! I should be the one worried about him taking anything that is mine!

So, anyway…sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t wait around, but we love each other very much. I think eventually, he will see that marrying me won’t be a bad thing. I’m not like the ex.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:39 am

Dreams – You are right, folks are not completely honest about wanting or not wanting marriage up front. I think people are scared. Scared to admit when they want it and scared to admit when they don’t. Afraid to run off the person. When that’s exactly what you risk doing when the truth reveals itself.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:46 am

But, in all fairness, the topic is “Never Getting Married?” Doubt there would be a lot of happy talk on the pros and cons.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:46 am

Kellibean-how long have u guys been together?

Simple Man!!!

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

Morning Peeps….
Lurking on this one, but I have a question for kellibean…..You told your guy… “I flat out told him that I will get married eventually and I hope it’s with him.”
Why is marriage that important that it is an absolute with you?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

Leggs–you are right

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

I guess I have never really understood, other than the legal ramifications, the concept of a person saying they are not “ready” to marry someone that they have been shacking with for years and may even have a few kids with. You’re living like a married couple in every way but legal. What is there that you “need” to be “ready”? I mean, it’s not like you’re still coming and going as you please and dating others? I saw this couple on House Hunters that had lived together for 5 years and was looking for a house. But they interviewed the guy alone and he said he just wasn’t ready to take that step. But you’ve lived together for 5 years and now are buying a house with her? I don’t understand, but to each his own.

It’s wild though. I’ve seen a lot of times in cases like that, if the woman decides she’s had enough and leaves, the guy meets someone and in like 6 months they marry that new person. Guess with the other person there was something “missing”!

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
11:49 am

Almost 14 months now. We’ve lived together for about 11 of them. We’ve known each other for a long time. He’s been divorced for about 10 years or so. I hope he can get over the bitter feeling about marriage…

For Real

March 4th, 2011
11:51 am

On topic: Men and women need to be upfront about their desires for marriage period. And by upfront I mean on the first date. If you don’t hide your desires then you give the other person an opportunity to choose if they want to proceed with dating you. So ladies tell him upfront that you want to be married and learn to be okay with him deciding not to date you. And when he said he doesn’t want to get married please, please, for the sake of your own mental faculty, BELIEVE HIM.

I’m calling BS on all those posters that want to dismiss other people’s experience or view on marriage as bitter people. You do not have the right to force YOUR beliefs or YOUR desires onto another person. If you have to put someone else’s view or experience down in order to promote YOUR then how secure is YOUR view?

The number one problem men have with marriage is that its demise is designed by LAW to favor women. Change the laws to 50/50 split of all assets and the kids and I guarantee the divorce rate drops and the number of marriage increase.

Marriage is a great institution for those that want to be married. It is a thing of beauty to watch a two people working together to build a life and a family.

Marriage is not for everyone. I happened to be one those people. And no I’m not bitter. And no a woman didn’t not do a number on me. And no I don’t hate women. I like being a father. I like being single. I like that being a father is the number ONE priority in my life. I like living exactly the way I want to live.

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
11:56 am

I’ve never been married and frankly the thought of getting married gives me panic attacks! The thought of never having my personal space again, or somebody always wanting sex even when I don’t just because we share a bed is sickening. I hate to cook. I do it because I live alone and have to eat. But at least if I don’t feel like it, no one is looking in my face asking me why I don’t cook. And I will not be your maid…wash your own damn clothes and pick up after yourself! You want a kid…you carry and birth it! Oh and when it’s screaming every 2 hours in the middle of the night…you get up with it!

No…I do not want to be married! Men think all women are looking to marry and somehow trap them like a spider in a web, like you are some prize at the county fair. Newsflash….some woman aren’t farting rainbows at the thought of losing herself. You think it’s a win/win for women? Guess again! If we are in a relationship…you can live in your place and I can live in mine. If I am not in the mood…it’s fine because we are in separate places and I just won’t see you that night! I don’t want in house booty! :lol: I don’t want to have to deal with more crap than usual because I took a vow. I need to be able to say, “Exit…stage left” without the bells and whistles of a costly divorce. Yeah it’s kind of set up in the woman’s favor, which can suck in some cases where she was the trife one. But if there are kids involved, who get’s stuck with the kids mostly. The man won’t have to worry about sitters when they want to go out…unless it’s their weekends or time to have them. But that’s fine. If it the other way aruond, the woman is a bad mother. UGH! Gag me!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
11:57 am

Edgar Allen – really, if you live, you are just dying a little day by day. Married or not.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:57 am

Kimmie—i see it exactly the same way you do. The whole shacking up thing makes no sense to me. But as you said eariler, each person is free to live how they want to. I can’t judge cuz i’ve done things that people don’t get either. I will just say I don’t understand it.

Kellibean—I guess my question to you is, if someone doesn’t want to get married, is that a dealbreaker for you? I mean, he told you he doesn’t need a piece of paper to get married so it doesn’t look like he has any intention on going that route. If you want to get married you have the right and if he doesn’t he has that right too. I guess it all boils down to how long you’re willing to put up with his hemming and hawing. It seems you’ve made yourself very clear and he has as well. I don’t know…if you’re hoping you can change his mind about it….i almost want to say that’s wishful thinking. I subscribe to the “if they tell you who they are, believe them” opinion. So it’s up to you to make a decision. Please don’t wait around for him to dictate to you what you are going to do with your relationship. But like I said, if you’re willing to wait and see then by all means…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

I think eventually, he will see that marrying me won’t be a bad thing.
kellibean If you go into marriage thinking it won’t be so bad, then you’ve already lost. You want to marry someone who knows with all their heart that they want to spend the rest of their life with you…not someone who thinks marrying you won’t be so bad.

I think people are scared.
kimmie People are also scared to go against perception. They worry alot about what other people think, and they let that influence them. Figure out what it is you TRULY want, be confident about that, despite what others may say.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

Kellibean: “I’m hoping and praying that eventually he will change his mind. I’m showing him that I’m not her.” – Women need to understand that some men simply do not wish to be married period and it has absolutely nothing to do with his last marriage or an ex girlfriend and if that is the case you can try as hard as your sweet little heart can but their is NOTHING you will ever be able to do to change his mind because his reasons for not getting married has NOTHING to do with you. So if you want to get married and he doesn’t, kiss on the forehead and tell him you are out.

Kimmie: “I guess I have never really understood, other than the legal ramifications” – I like how you minimize the “legal ramifications” when it’s reason why a man doesn’t marry a chick that he has lived with and has kids by. Why is that so hard for women to understand? I guess when more women start losing what the worked hard due to marriage the laws will change.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

Robert1964 – you should have had a better attorney.

Willie Dynamite

March 4th, 2011
12:01 pm

Morning Folks,

Never getting married- Didn’t read the topic or the posts but just based on the title I will assume the Marriage bashers are running amock. Since this doesn’t speak to me I will sit my Happily Married azz in the corner and proceed with this liquid power lunch.

DreamsMat- hope u don’t mind, I used my key to the bar.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:02 pm

FOR REAL- Seriously? How about calling BS on the posters that only had negative things to say about marriage and are warning people not to get married. Sounds like they’re trying to push their agenda just as much. And my view is very secure because it’s MY view. I’m stating my opinion just like the Negative Nellies stated theirs.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:03 pm

“…if someone doesn’t want to get married, is that a dealbreaker for you? Although this wasn’t meant to come off as funny, I laughed simply because she already answered this question. They’ve been living together for 11 months and she’s very much in love with him.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

The first time Shthead said to me that he did know if he would ever get married again, I should have run like hell.

If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

@COME ON NOW…I think it will eventually be a deal breaker. I want to wait, but I don’t want to waste my life either. It’s really a tough spot for me. I fell madly in love with him and we want to be together forever, but I want that extra commitment. He asked me why I want it so bad and I simply told him “because I haven’t been there.” I don’t want a big wedding…I want to elope…I want to take on his last name…I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…I want the security…I want to show him that marriage can be a good thing…heck, I want the tax break! I really do feel like he will eventually change his mind. He has one child and said he never wanted to have another child…I don’t want to have a child either, so we agree on that. One night, we were talking about it and I asked him if he would be totally opposed to the idea if a few years down the road, I changed my mind and he actually admitted that he wouldn’t be opposed to it. I’ve told him before that I don’t want to marry him tomorrow…probably not even next year, but I would like to know that is a possibility down the road. He won’t give me a guarantee. I commend him for that, but I have to really sort out what I want in a relationship and decide if love really is enough…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

Willie You good man. Bar biz been real slow ever since the gatorade scare, so it’s good to at least have somebody in there.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

I guess it’s not a dealbreaker since she’s still with him.

Kellibean–Before you went into it was that a dealbreaker for you? Because if it was, when you found out his opinion on marriage and you knew it didn’t mesh with yours, why would you stay? Why compromise on a dealbreaker?

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

“If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.”

That’s pretty much my take as well. I also never, ever understood when an “ultimatum” is given. That has got to be one the silliest things I’ve ever heard someone doing!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

did NOT…typo…

kelliebean, babygirl, if this man told you that he doesn’t want to get married again, why did you move in with him?

In MY situation, when dude said he didN’T know if he wanted to get married, he knew that he said that he WAS NOT going to marry me, then I would be out. So, by saying what he said, he kept me right where he wanted me and was able to reap the benefits of the fact that I HOPED I could show him how good of a wife I could be and change his mind.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

Warning people against something is not pushing their view. Calling people bitter, negative and lazy and stating that one shouldn’t listen to their view is pushing your view. The fact is there are two sides to a coin, why wouldn’t you want a person to have all of the information that’s available to make such an important decision?

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

Willie D – since you stole the keys to the bar, whats in stock? I could use some liquid motivation right now. Im going to keep lurking though the discussion is good……

zoomaway

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

After reading the website lousyspouse, I don’t think I’ll ever tie the knot again. I thought I had it bad, but there are worse out there! I feel like I barely made it out of my marriage alive. What a bad idea.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

“I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…” And, that my dear is the most honest statement said today. One of the main reasons, some women get married!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:13 pm

kelliebean – being married doesn’t tie a person to you. It doesn’t keep anybody that is determined to leave from leaving. Ask any divorced person you know.

Question – have you ever been married?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:14 pm

Kellibean—that’s my point. He’s hemming and hawing. Telling you maybe and whatnot. If you want something and he’s not willing to give it to you, put 2 fingers up in the air and walk. I’m not trying to trivialize it but you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you in the same way. Now if getting married really isn’t that important to you in the grand scheme of things then you’ve met “the one”. But it seems to me from what you said that marriage is important to you.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:15 pm

Leggs: “They’ve been living together for 11 months and she’s very much in love with him.” – I think she is in love with the idea of proving she is not his ex wife and the only thing that will confirm this in her mind is marriage.

SexyCool: “If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.” – I understand the context of what you are saying but the fact is we all have to prove ourselves to the person we marry.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:16 pm

Well…my mom always has called me the eternal optimist. I guess I’m just hopeful that he will change his mind down the line. We didn’t really bring up marriage until after he moved in with me. It was too soon in the relationship. We jumped really fast into the living together thing. Neither one of us expected it would happen and actually didn’t even really discuss it…it just happened. We just didn’t want to be apart from each other. I still feel like I don’t want to be away from him. We really do mesh well together and we are pretty perfect for each other. By the time we even talked about marriage, we were already madly in love with each other. It’s just a tough spot to be in. He knows that I won’t wait around forever. When he argues that it’s just a piece of paper, I argue that it shouldn’t be a big deal, then. I’ve tried to tone down the topic because I know we wouldn’t be ready for a while if he does change his mind. It’s a struggle for me because I want to be with him forever, but I also want the ring on my finger and the full commitment eventually. I have to be ready to walk away at some point…

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:17 pm

Unrealistic expectations & no communication = guaranteed misery in a marriage (or any relationship, really).

I think too many people get too caught up in the fairy tale, romantic side of marriage and never have the honest, pragmatic conversations about what they need/want/expect out of a marriage prior to tying the knot. Even in the best marriages, every day is not a picnic. You need to be prepared for that, and you need to have discussed & agree upon how you want to handle mundane details like finances, personal time, household chores, etc., long before you take the plunge. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for failure.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:18 pm

“One night, we were talking about it and I asked him if he would be totally opposed to the idea if a few years down the road, I changed my mind and he actually admitted that he wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

Changed your mind about what?

And this…”I’ve told him before that I don’t want to marry him tomorrow…probably not even next year, but I would like to know that is a possibility down the road. ”

I’m sorry, but…I’ve got to call B.S. on this one. The whole first part of your post is completely contradictory to that statement. What that actually sounds like you’re doing in assuring him that you are going to stay right where you are and not pressure him about marriage RIGHT NOW, if only he will give you just a little bit of hope to hold onto. So, he did. And now, you are hoping for a MAYBE.

In this instance, I would advise you to take a stance on the CURRENT situation and not a future, possible, hopefully, maybe, if only….that might not ever happen.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:20 pm

“because I haven’t been there.” – That’s a scary/not cute reason for getting married. Make me wonder what else you want to do simply because you haven’t been there.

“I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…” – Um news flash marriage doesn’t prevent either of you from simply walking away.

Elizabeth Taylor

March 4th, 2011
12:22 pm

I recommend everyone get married at least 7 times.

The Truth

March 4th, 2011
12:22 pm

Most of the time men are quite verbal about not wanting to get married. Women choose to ignore the facts out of wanting to get married so bad. I think it’s faulty when anyone wants to get married so badly. Trouble.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:24 pm

For Real–yes warning someone not to get married IS pushing an agenda no matter how you try to slice it or dice it. You don’t ever want to get married again and that’s cool. I do want to get married and that’s cool too. I reserve the right to have an opinion just as they do. And I have right to say why I don’t agree with what they say just as they do. But to call someone’s opinion BS isn’t cool. And the people I commented on earlier did sound bitter and were negative about marriage. And I said that just because theirs didn’t work out doesn’t mean that the rest of us are screwed.

All I’m saying is, don’t just dish it out on one group of people.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:24 pm

Swiss: I agree 100%. Some women think love will somehow replace the work that is required in a marriage.

RebeDiva

March 4th, 2011
12:28 pm

I met a cool guy about 3 yrs ago and went out on one date. After our date, I found out he wasn’t really feeling marriage and wasn’t interested in walking down the aisle. I cut my losses and put him in the friend zone. Needless to say, 3 years later he’s still anti-marriage and seems to strayed further and further away from it. Although I’m still unmarried, I didn’t waste my time, my emotions, or my booty on him.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:29 pm

Warning is just that a warning, a person can choose to adhere to the warning or not. I didn’t call BS on your opinion, I called BS on you dismissing someone else’s opinion and promoting yours as the better opinion. This is a forum where every opinion is given or should be given because no two people live the same life and someone’s so called negative opinion maybe just what another person needed to hear. Just like someone so called positive opinion my be just what another person needed to hear. That’s all I am saying.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:29 pm

For Real — Exactly right, love alone is not enough to make a marriage work. You’re not signing up for a love story, you’re signing up to share your life with another person. By definition, there will be give & take by both parties. There’s no 1 set of rules needed to make it work, but the two parties had d@mn sure better identify and agree upon the set of rules they agree to live by up front. Otherwise, it’s a wrap.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:30 pm

Kellibean-it’s ok to be optimistic, just don’t cross over into that being stupid realm. It’s a very fine line. He gave you a maybe and you being the eternal optimist took that and ran with it. The maybe was just to keep you at bay. As Sexy Cool said, take a stance on the CURRENT situation.

But you know what, you’re going to do what you want to do in the end so there’s really nothing anyone can say. When you’re ready to make a decision you will.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:32 pm

@SexyCool…I know that being married does not tie people to each other. If one wants to leave, they can. But…if married, it’s harder to leave and I know I would want to work my butt off to fix it. In our relationship, we both work hard to try to stay happy together.

No, I have never been married. That is probably why I want it so bad at some point.

I do feel like he is “the one.” I can see is being together forever. At some point, I will have to decide if I can live without being married of if I want it bad enough that I will leave and find someone who wants it as much as I do.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:34 pm

@SexyC/ForReal ~ I agree. If someone wants to walk, they’re going to walk, legal ramifications and all!!!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

ComeOnNow – your last statement is very true. As it is said, “When someone gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, then they will change their situation.”

kelliebean – I wish you all the best and truly hope that your every dream comes true.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

‘Bar biz been real slow ever since the gatorade scare, so it’s good to at least have somebody in there’

Dreams – Um…I’ve dipped in there a few times but not as many due to my recent dizzy spells. Guess I should’ve at least let ya know. So let me give you this $10 Micky D’s gift card for compensation ;-)

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

FOR REAL–I haven’t dismissed anyone’s opinion. I said whatever someone wants to do, to do them. But I’m not going to let someone bash marriage without giving a rebuttal as to why I don’t agree. Like I said, I have a right to my opinion as much as anyone else. I know everyone is not going to subscribe to my line of thinking and I’m OK with that. But if I don’t agree with what someone says I will say so.

So while I do understand your point, but I will have to respectfully disagree with you.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:39 pm

One last question I will ask (and maybe you’ve answered this and I missed it. If so, sorry.)

Why do you want to be married?

Because what seems to be your prevailing reason is so that he can’t easily leave.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

Never mind that question, you have answered it.

Yes, I'm single

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50% end in death. I’m not in favor of divorce or death, so I’ll just stay single.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

I will have to decide if I can live without being married of if I want it bad enough that I will leave and find someone who wants it as much as I do.
Kellibean Leave and find someone who wants what you want. If you give in, all you’ll do is resent him (and yourself) later because you won’t have what it was you really wanted. Nothing worse than regret, especially when you could’ve prevented it.

Marriage Is for Men & Women

March 4th, 2011
12:41 pm

Don’t get me wrong, I feel that two people, even if they are the same sex can love each other & have a happy life together, probably more so than a lot of heterosexuals, but marriage is for men & women. I do agree on maybe some partners for life agreement, but not marriage. Leave marriage for men & women. I may get a lot of heat for my comment & I have met some of the nicest gay people, but I just don’t agree with the marriage thing. I am not a religious fanatic, but if we start changing the rules, why not let heterosexuals that live together be recognized as married, oh, they tried that, my bad.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:41 pm

If having a child doesn’t make it hard for a man to leave, being married pales in comparison. If they want to leave, they’re going to leave.

Willie Dynamite

March 4th, 2011
12:44 pm

Mo- No prob, since you don’t know what you want take this Patron shot it’ll loosen you up a bit. Then we can figure out exactly what you want. Let me warn you I’m not a Bartender lIke Dreams but I’ll do my best.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:45 pm

DM–I agree with you.

Kellibean–you deserve someone that wants what you want. You can’t change someone, no matter how hard you try. I’ve tried…that ish didn’t work at all.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:45 pm

Marriage Is for Men & Women

I have met some of the nicest gay people – They used to say that about Black people.

(And I hate to bring race into it, but really, I don’t believe a person should be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation (regardless of my religious beliefs about it) anymore than a person should be discriminated against because of their race, religion or whatever.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:48 pm

@Sexy…sorry…maybe I didn’t make myself clear. The first part of the discussion was about having children, not about marriage.

@For Real…”because I haven’t been there” is not the main reason I want to get married. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me with all of his. I don’t want to be punished because he had a bad marriage. I want him to see that not all marriages end badly. Who knows…ours could also, but why not give it a shot?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:49 pm

MM&W: The Government should stay out of people’s private lives! PERIOD!!! Another reason why the divorce rate is so high is because the Government makes money off divorces. And if you are not a religious fanatic the only rules that will be changed are man made laws which are changed ALL the time. Heterosexual or gay marriages succeed and fail for the exact same reasons.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:51 pm

“…but why not give it a shot?” Because his last one ended so badly. He’s not interested in merely giving something so important “a shot.”

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

“but if we start changing the rules, why not let heterosexuals that live together be recognized as married”

Better question is why is the government in the “marriage” business in the first place? Just remove the term “marriage” from the government lexicon & let it just recognize civil unions, period. Any two people, regardless of their sex, should be able to enter into a civil union, if they so choose. Leave the moral judgments surrounding the term “marriage” to the churches.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

“I don’t want to be punished because he had a bad marriage.”

You already are.

alphadog

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

Never get married if that’s your position, but DO NOT have children outside of marriage.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:54 pm

For Real / Swiss – good points. Because I find it really interesting that the same political party that is always screaming about government being too big is the same one that wants to tell folk who can and can’t get married and that wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

And even more than that, folks always want a bill introduced or a law passed when something happens in their lives that directly affect them.

Jimbo

March 4th, 2011
12:54 pm

In October we’ll be married 38 years. I’m 62 and she’s 59 and still gorgeous. I love waking up next to her. Am I just lucky?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:56 pm

Okay, kb…now I’m really confused. What does children have to do with you getting married or not?

Didn’t you say that you didn’t want any?

PM

March 4th, 2011
12:57 pm

I’m not getting married the FIRST time much less again.

My parents had two kids and then separated for years before finally divorcing. While I am sure they had their reasons for breaking up the family, I and my sibling can never forget the pain it put us through, getting taken away from our father and forced across the country. Nobody asked the kids how they felt and nobody cared and the damage caused to us has lasted for decades. My sibling and I have both decided we’d never do such a horrible thing to our kids, and one sure way to do that is to never have families that could be so easily destroyed. So we will not. No kids for either of us and almost certainly no marriages either. No way.

Besides, I’m in my 40s now and most women of comparible age are obsessed with only one thing: money. How to get more of it for less effort, how to cheat somebody else out of it, how to deny any responsibility for earning their own. No thanks. I love managing my own money. Every dime of it, I control. If I want to spend it on a new car or gadgets, I can. I answer to nobody. Awesome power.

For many of the married couples I’ve known, it’s all been just a game of cheating on each other and lies and sneaking around and hiding money and basically a bunch of bull and stress and then it eventually ends up in divorce and some more kids are left crying much like I once was. I don’t need that kind of lifestyle. I don’t need to have to deal with the dishonesty and garbage.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
12:58 pm

(Slim bending down on one knee with a grenade pin in hand)

For Real – Will you marry me? You and the AA dolphins and be one happy family, FOREVER because once we do this, we are glued for life unless I kill you…oops i mean, unless your brakes coincidentally go out while speeding around 285 in your white Ford Bronco in an unforeseen accident.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
12:59 pm

Why or why AJC do you put the link to the blog on the front page? Gheesh…so much bitterness

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
1:00 pm

SexyC Did you see the immigration bill they’re trying to pass in TX? They want to punish anyone who hires illegal immigrants, EXCEPT in cases where the illegal immigrants are maids, servants, or doing other household chores. Probably because all those politicians are guilty of having them as nannies or landscapers. lol

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:01 pm

@Sexy…Children was a different conversation. We have both agreed that we don’t want children, but one night, we got on the topic and I asked him if he would be totally opposed if I changed my mind about having children and he said that he wouldn’t be 100% opposed. He was pretty adament (sp?) about not wanting children and now he’s open to the possibility in the future. I brought that up because I’m hoping that eventually he will be open to the possibility of marriage in the future…

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:02 pm

Killiebean: “but why not give it a shot” – That’s what Charlie Sheen said the first time he took drugs. You don’t know why you want to get married other than to prove you are not ole boy’s ex wife and that is an helluva reason to get married. What do you do for a living?

Swiss: Exactly but all you have to do if follow the money and you will see why the government is involved in marriage. BILLIONS of Dollars.

ADog: Man that sound like some ish coming from China. Why can’t people have kids outside of marriage? People have been doing since the existence of people.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:03 pm

OH…that’s what you may change your mind about….

“Oh….I see.” said the Blind Man.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:05 pm

Kellibean—all I can say is good luck with that. Seriously, I hope you get the clarity to make whatever decision it is you need to make. Hey, if you wait long enough he could change his mind about the whole marriage thing. In my opinion he won’t but that’s just my opinion. Either way, I hope that in the end you come out on top!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
1:05 pm

“I find it really interesting that the same political party that is always screaming about government being too big is the same one that wants to tell folk who can and can’t get married and that wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.”

Everything about the GOP is a paradox. They also manage to convince average working folk (who, realistically, will never be rich) to vilify union teachers making $50K/year as greedy & lazy and yet raise holy hell at the prospect of asking folks making over $250K/year to give back their 3% tax break from W.

The entire GOP “base” is essentially willing chug down whatever fascist, corporatist snake oil Rush Limbaugh & Glenn Beck are selling, so long as the GOP remains the party of white supremacy & white “Jesus.” Sad, but true.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:10 pm

Slim: For Real – Will you marry me? You and the AA dolphins and be one happy family, FOREVER because once we do this, we are glued for life unless I kill you…oops i mean, unless your brakes coincidentally go out while speeding around 285 in your white Ford Bronco in an unforeseen accident.

For Real: Um, I’m outta cigarettes. Imma go to the store and gets some more. Do you want anything?

Slim: I want an answer to my question and some grape favor big chew and four mary janes and a cherry freezie cup. Which sto you gonin to?

For Real: Das Marie Canteen. What if they don’t have cherry freezie cups what favor do you want?

Slim: I’ll take orange. Where is Das Mary at?

For Real: Cool. It’s in South America.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:11 pm

DreamsMat – did you see that they passed an immigration bill here yesterday that is similar to the one in Arizona?

I’m glad I’m a citizen. (lol)

jm

March 4th, 2011
1:11 pm

I’ve never been married. My parents have been married to only each other for almost 60 years now. I have 3 sisters who are all married with kids, with (in my estimation) varying degrees of “success, ” whatever THAT means. If marriage/family is what you want, great — but you better be willing to be in for the long haul; for indeed better or worse. I know I never want to be married. I am too ornery, independent, and have no want/need of children. Production of the next generation seems to me to be the only real reason to get/be married. Also, I don’t want to spend my spare time cleaning up other people’s messes, literally or figuratively. No matrimony for me.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:16 pm

@For Real…I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do! I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always seen myself married and I’ve found “the one.” It’s hard to walk away from “the one” because he doesn’t want marriage. Eventually, one of us will either change our mind or we won’t work out in the long run. For now, I don’t want to walk away because he is my baby and I love him so much and he loves me too.

I appreciate everyone’s input.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:17 pm

@For Real…Oh and…I’ve worked as a customer service representative for a credit union for 12 years…if that really has anything to do with this topic.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:20 pm

“I’m glad I’m a citizen” – If it’s just like AZ then it doesn’t matter if you are a citizen. The is designed to harass non-white people for now but just like the airport screening eventually they will get around harassing white people and then protest will start. That reminds me of something Richard Pryor once said heroin:

White people use to drive through the black neighborhoods and shake their head and say “it’s sad how these people have destroyed their lives” and then when they get home and find lil Johnny fugged up on heroin they scream “Oh my God it’s an epidemic”

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:20 pm

Can you really call someone “the one” if they don’t want something that is very important to you?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:21 pm

KB: And what does he do for a living?

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:22 pm

He’s a musician

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:24 pm

kb – your guy will always and forever be absolved of all responsibility of you not getting what you want. Because he will always be able to say that he told you (AFTER y’all had fallen madly in love) that he didn’t want to get married.

And the longer you stay living together, the longer you will be not married. Folks respond to pain and consequences. All he has to do is have a “Maybe. Someday. Probably. We’ll see.” conversation every now and then.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:24 pm

! I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always seen myself married and I’ve found “the one.” It’s hard to walk away from “the one” because he doesn’t want marriage.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but would you call someone “the one” and all in the same breath say “the one doesn’t want marriage?” I think you should probably reconsider him. Nothing wrong with wanting to be married if that’s what you want. You should though probably find someone that’s on the same page.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:25 pm

Actually, ForReal, I started to say, “I’m glad I’m not hispanic looking and living in Gwinett.” but that would have been (and is) so stereotypical.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:25 pm

@Jimbo ~ yes sir, very lucky…congratulations!!

@ForReal ~ I just bit my tongue…wasn’t expecting that ending. Hilarious

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
1:26 pm

Slim: I want an answer to my question and some grape favor big chew and four mary janes and a cherry freezie cup. Which sto you gonin to?

For Real: Das Marie Canteen. What if they don’t have cherry freezie cups what favor do you want?

Slim: I’ll take orange. Where is Das Mary at?

For Real: Cool. It’s in South America

Slim: oh, that’s just down in Lawrenceville. Hole up, jus lemme grab my flip flops & i’ll ride witcha

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:26 pm

FOR REAL—I agree. As long as it isn’t happening to them they couldn’t care less. But shoot, maybe that’s how people are in general.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:27 pm

Celisea—your 1:24 is on point. If you’re not on the same page, they ain’t “the one”.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:28 pm

“I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do!”

@kelliebean ~ if a marriage counselor heard you give this reason, he would tell you “don’t do it, you’re not ready!”

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:30 pm

I know it may be weird to call him “the one” when he doesn’t want the same thing I do, but I feel like we are soulmates. He feels it too. He wants to be with me forever… I feel like I can’t just walk away at this point. It just sucks and I just hope and pray that it will all work out in the long run. Who knows…in a year, I may feel like I don’t ever want to get married. I always wanted children up until a few years ago, when I changed my mind and decided that children were not for me. I could be the one to change my mind. Who knows….

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:30 pm

I like how you minimize the “legal ramifications”

4 Real – I know this is a subject you are passionate about!LOL!! But I didn’t minimize or maximize anything in my post. The point I was trying to make is that a lot of dudes say they are not “ready” for years while living and doing everything a married couple does. I call BS on the word “ready”! If the legalities of ia all are what give you pause, then just say so. With alot of these dudes I don’t even give them credit for having legal concerns, in fact, that is a VERY legitimate concern in my book. I would have more respect if he just came out and said that. But no, some of these same guys, like I said in my post, will turn around and meet someone else & 6 months later marry them. So obviously it had nothing to do with legal concerns. He just didn’t want to marry the other lady! Be honest and upfront and say that to her!

And personally I think decided to bring another life into this world with someone is an even bigger decision that marrying them! But, alot of people take that too lightly I think!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:31 pm

Excellent question, Come on Now!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
1:32 pm

*HIGH FIVE to BlackMagicWoman*

I’m recently divorced and LOVING the single life again. I still believe in love and the beauty of marriage. I just don’t foresee myself going down that road again. If the right guy came along, I may entertain the idea of marriage again, but I’m certainly not looking for it to happen. So, I’m not looking for love/marriage, but I won’t run from it either.

In the meantime, I’m totally honest with myself: I’m selfish, love my space, loving being and mom and focusing on my child and career and love the freedom to have multiple guy friends. And I’m open with all my guy friends: they know the deal with me, and it’s on them if they choose to stick around.

To those who desire marriage, he/she should make that known up front. Don’t waste your or his/her time beating around the bush. People need to do what works for them and keep the communications going at all times.

I hope everyone finds what they’re searching, be it freedom to date or marriage. There’s beauty in both.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:32 pm

“I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do!”

@kelliebean ~ if a marriage counselor heard you give this reason, he would tell you “don’t do it, you’re not ready!”

Repost!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:33 pm

kb – I’m going to try and make this my last post.

Regardless of what the collective opinions are, I just wish you happiness. I hope that you are geting what you need to be happy.

I know that it is way easy to postpone pain by pinning your hopes on a future change of heart than it is to go ahead and make a painful decision based on the current situation.

I sincerely hope your strategy works and that you don’t have to deal with this particular pain presently or in the future.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:38 pm

Raqi – You reading? You okay? I know you’ve post a few complications with your little one.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:41 pm

@Celisea ~ I sent her an email this morning, but haven’t heard anything.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:43 pm

I cosign with Kimmie, Leggs and SexyCool.

KB–I just hope you come out on top. I know it’s tough making a decision that could potentially be very painful for you both. I’ve been there and it’s not easy. But pain does subside. Obviously you’re not ready to make a decision yet because you keep playing the “what if” game. My girlfriend is going through the same thing as you and has aked for my opinion and I’ve told her the same thing i’ve been saying all day on this blog. She listens to me but at the end of the day, she isn’t ready to make a decision. Because I care so much about her I don’t want her make the wrong decision but sometimes the only way for someone to learn is to go through a thing. So i sincerely wish you the best with this.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:43 pm

Thanks Leggs….keep us posted…if she don’t mind.

Binford2k

March 4th, 2011
1:44 pm

On different threads, I keep saying what an interesting time in history it is. Men and women are supposed to be “equal”, but then woman want “old fashioned” (ring, wedding chivalry). Time to pick one or the other and not both – that is just plain old greedy.

Never been married. Don’t plan on being married. Not against it and not for it, but seen way too many people give too much money to lawyers, and way too many people NOT HAPPY.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:48 pm

Kimmie: “So obviously it had nothing to do with legal concerns.” – Nope it had everything to do with legal concerns because he believed that he could make it work with the new chick. Also, lets not pretend women are not the ones pushing kids.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
1:48 pm

Kelliebean, you sound like a sweetheart, and I hope you find happiness.
But it seems like you and your significant other are on different pages. If that works for you, fine. But please, don’t try to change him.

Please seek serious, professional marriage counseling prior to the marriage, so you don’t go into the marriage with just hopes and wishful thinking. Marriage is more than a notion and a serious amount of work to make it work. It goes deeper than “living together.” So easy to enter, but a tremendous amount of work to keep it going and can be terribly painful and hard to get out of. Trust me.

So be a 110% sure he is the man you want to marry. And baby, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to marry (or have kids), BELIEVE him and don’t force the issue.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:50 pm

Oh…okay…seriously…last thing…IF you get him to agree to marry you, please know that you are going to be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the marriage.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:51 pm

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:52 pm

4 Real – Okay, then tell said chick you have legal concerns with her that prevent you from wanting to marry her.

As for the kid thing, I didn’t specify men or women.

‘kay?? :lol:

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
1:58 pm

TRUTH…I agree with you. A woman is seeing their wedding plans…and the man is seeing and plotting his exit strategy. You can NOT convince someone that they want to get married. I agree with some of the guys in that aspect. You can shift yourself into the perfect little Stepford Wife and that man will still find a reason not to marry you. That reason is…HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY…ANYONE! Is that loud enough to be heard over the church organ playing the bridal march that you have going on in your head? He may not come out and tell you that in those words. He may use a scapegoat like being scorned from a previous marriage/relationship. That is because he is too chicken-sh!t to tell you the truth. He is also selfish because he would prefer to string you along rather than let you go find someone who wants to be married. On the other hand…he can be the man who tells you that he does not want to get married. But those words can’t be heard over your mental convo with yourself on how you can change his mind or show him what he would gain by “choosing” you. Or maybe you love a challenge. And convincing him to jump the broom would be your ultimate win! But you shall lose! And you would only have yourself to blame if he told you that he does not want to get married!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:59 pm

And baby, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to marry (or have kids), BELIEVE him and don’t force the issue.

Alot of folks on here are saying this and I agree 1000%!

Men especially rarely change their mind about such profound things. And I would be wary even if one I knew did. I’ve seen it happen too many times. He decides he changed his mind and goes thru with it, only to have it all self-destruct down the line. He should have stuck with his original plan.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:59 pm

BMW—boy I feel like I’m up in church. You better PREACH!

lucinda

March 4th, 2011
2:01 pm

Just coming in, haven’t read all the posts.

If you want to get married, consider a prenup — especially if its the second (or more!) marriage for either person. Only thing is, you gotta update that thing from time to time as the situation changes. It especially makes sense if one person has a lot more money than the other.

As for me, I like my freedom and like a committed long term relationship without the legal complications. So, I date one guy, will keep dating him, and have no need to marry him. I like my house like it is, I like that we don’t see each other when either is tired/grumpy/whatever. It’s really a good set up and much easier than trying to ‘blend’ children and families.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:03 pm

BlackMagicWoman is spitting the truth!

*The doors of the church are open* lol.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:03 pm

Loves me some BMW…(lol)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:07 pm

Lucinda: Good deal! *thumbs up*

Relationships really would work A LOT better if people would just be 1.) Honest with themselves. 2.) Open (constant communications) and be honest with their significant others. 3.) Stop trying change people accept them for who they are OR just simply move on to find someone you’re more compatible with. 4.) Stop freakin’ settling, because you’re too lazy to find or WAIT on the RIGHT one!

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:11 pm

Joy—you better PREACH too!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:13 pm

Joy – Like that 2:07!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:14 pm

BMW – That 1:58 – You better tell it!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:17 pm

Come On Now, experience is indeed a teacher. Honesty would nip a lot of problems in the bud.

If I figure if I’m totally honest with the dudes I’m involved with, it’s ‘gon trim the B.S. fat and save a lot time and heartache. And hopefully, it’s nurtures the respect factor, ’cause I got a lot of respect for men who are upfront about their intentions, and they seem to respond well to my open ness. We’re all grown folks; let’s BE that! ;)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:19 pm

Thanks, Kimmie! Ya’ll telling the truth, too! *thumbs up*

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
2:20 pm

@Joy…thanks. I am going to therapy (have been for the last 6 months) and am trying to find my own personal happiness and get rid of some demons from the past. We have talked about going to therapy together, but we’re not at that point yet. We are on the same page on everything else, just not this issue at this point. I want to wait it out, but there will be a point when I decide that I will not move forward with him if he won’t give me what I want. I don’t want to look back on my life and regret anything. That’s also why I don’t want to leave at this point…I don’t want to always wonder “what if.”

By the way…I really am taking in all that you are saying. At this moment, I love him too much to want to be without him. We’ll see if I feel the same way in a year or two! :-)

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
2:21 pm

I’m watching Nancy Grace and this cat is about as scandalous as they come and too old for this mess. Didn’t raise his daughter, now living with her. Opened an account in her name without her knowledge, broke her washing machine and didn’t reimburse. Lived with her without contributing to household expenses but yet still out trying to hook up. He meet women online and take their money…so far 3 women…one even gave him $4000. After he gets the money he gets ghost. Now this cat should have learned younger. He’ll probably do this crap until he dies….cause there always some thirsty chick looking to sponsor. Ut #4 just came on and she gave him $3000….she said he asked her to marry him, he can’t recall a thing. He’s a dirty joker.

Nancy Grace called him a user and he says she’s wrong. OMLord he’s 59 years old!!!!!

Rich

March 4th, 2011
2:21 pm

Yep who wrote “I got married last May to my wife in New Hampshire. We are both women. Our marriage is not recognized in this state because of the discrimination written in the Georgia Constitution that denies me the legal right to marry whom I want.”

Is incorrect, there is no discrimination. We all have the same right to marry one person of the opposite sex. No discrimination. Is it discrimination, that I can not have two spouses?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:25 pm

That’s why I tell people to keep it 100 with me because I certainly plan on doing the same. I’ve been through enough mess to know what I will and will not stand for. And I certainly will respect someone who let’s me know the deal from jump. I may bounce when you tell me but I will definitely respect you for being honest.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:28 pm

There goes that “what if” game I was talking about

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:33 pm

Rich — So, by your logic, you would also think it perfectly acceptable to forbid interracial marriages. Or marriages where the age difference is greater than, say, 10 years. Or marriage between people of drastically different income levels or family backgrounds, etc. Basically, as long as your idea of an acceptable relationship is allowed, then you’re cool with it — is that it?

Bottom line, what business is it of the government who someone chooses to share his/her life with? And why shouldn’t they have the option signing up for the same legal protections and responsibilities that a heterosexual couple can?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:33 pm

How old are you?

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
2:34 pm

SCOOL…I loves ya back girl! :lol:

JOY…thank you….thank you….you’re too kind! :lol:

And now…some Friday afternoon laughs:
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhMJU2qPff6l8c464U

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:37 pm

I only ask because I flubbed up three years with someone who consistently said to me that he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get married again. And where did I end up at three years later? Cheated on, pi$$ed on, pi$$ed off and with no one to blame but mydamnself.

And now…here I am with someone who truly wants all that I want in a relationship and now that I’m discussing kids and marriage with someone who wants that, I am seriously looking at being a first time mother after 40.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:37 pm

kellibean, continue to work on yourself. We all need that. You definitely need to be happy with yourself FIRST.

Love is a drug, baby. Makes you feel all good. But when the bad times come (and they will), make sure he’s a guy who will have your back, respect your feelings/opinions and gives you that love and security you’re deserving of.

Mutual respect and constant communications are relationship lifesavers. Never lose that.

… and talk about money/finances before ya’ll get married. Talk about how it’s going to be handled, go through those credit reports, etc. If he’s bad with money and doesn’t have an interest to improve his finances, RED FLAG, baby. That’s your que to R-U-N! LOL… but not really!

Rich

March 4th, 2011
2:39 pm

i’m swiss™ (”FREE ME.LO”) – It is not discrimination. That is the point. Is limiting everyone to one spouse discrimination? No it not, nor is the current rules. The word discrimination is over used.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:44 pm

and now that I’m discussing kids and marriage with someone who wants that, I am seriously looking at being a first time mother after 40.

Try being an instant mom to 8 & 10 year olds. It’s not for everyone but perfect for me!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:44 pm

SCool, my 2:44 was directed to you! :)

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:45 pm

“Is limiting everyone to one spouse discrimination?”

Rich — Actually, I would argue that it is. As long as they aren’t infringing upon anyone else, why should the government care?

Light

March 4th, 2011
2:46 pm

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:47 pm

Swiss – Get out of here! With the divorce rate like it is, most folks can hardly handle one spouse, much less 2 or more! :lol:

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
2:48 pm

@SexyC ~ glad to see the both of you are on the same page, wanting the same thing and talking things through. I wish you the best.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:51 pm

:lol: @ kimmie. Hey, in some cultures plural marriage is perfectly acceptable, if not the norm. My point is, so long as these people are not hurting anyone else with their choice of who (or how many) to marry, what place is it of the government to dictate who is & is not an acceptable spouse?

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:56 pm

Swiss – I’m just clowning! :lol: I don’t care as long as #1 – They can afford to take care of all the spouses and not have us taxpayers footing their lifestyle and #2 – My fiance’ doesn’t roll up and say “by the way, I’m thinking of moving to Utah and becoming a Mormon so I can have a few more wives! Or joining this tribe in Africa that practices such. Of course, you being the 1st wife you’ll have all the priviledges”! :shock:

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
3:02 pm

I’m 31…he’s 44. I know…he’s that much older and is probably going to stick with his decision.

Trust me…I know about the finances! I work at a credit union and I have seen problems with marriage/divorce/finances. I know that I will keep all things separate!

The good thing about us is that we do have mutual love and respect for each other. We have each others backs. I’ve gone through some really tough things lately and he’s been there for me every step of the way. I do the same for him. This is really the first relationship that I’ve had where there is mutual love and respect.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
3:04 pm

The way menfolk complain about how much work one chick is, I can’t for the life of me figure out why they would sign up for MORE than one…Even Bill on Big Love felt the stress of dealing with that many women

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:06 pm

Slim – My sentiments exactly!!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:07 pm

Kellibean: Cool! Best wishes to you!

You like’em older, huh? lol! Same here, girl! I’m 34 and I deals with guys in their 40s, too. Love older men!

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
3:11 pm

I’ve ALWAYS liked older men!!! There’s just something about them…maybe because they’re experienced! :-) I’ve never liked guys my age because I feel like they don’t measure up. I’ve always been called and old soul and hang out with people older than me. I can’t stand immaturity. Although…my BF is a musician and he may be 44, but acts like he’s about 18! :-)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:13 pm

Kellibean, do your thing, girl! *thumbs up*

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:18 pm

Afternoon all -

Yes, I want to get married and no I don’t stick around when I find out he is unsure. My last relationship ended over that. He was married before and extremely gun shy about doing it again. No matter how much I valued our relationship, I also know I deserve more than shortchanging myself. So I left, and he never changed his mind or came back and I’m grateful to have not gotten myself stuck in a dead end relationship.

kelliebean – Good luck with that. I really don’t see WHY this guy will ever marry you when you guys are living just the way he prefers anyway. You should ask him to leave because maybe then he’ll realize what he had with you. I don’t see him proposing any other way unless lightening strikes him. You deserve to find someone who can’t wait to call you his wife.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:19 pm

The man usually doesn’t have to handle all the wives. The head wife does that. He just pops in to show his face (or something else) every now and then. lol

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:19 pm

“my BF is a musician and he may be 44, but acts like he’s about 18!”

Bless ya’ heart…that is all.

BeenThereDoneThat

March 4th, 2011
3:20 pm

Once I heard – “Women marry hoping the man will change, Men marry hoping the woman will not change. The opposite happens in both cases”

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:20 pm

Joy…you are funny as sht. LMAO!

Babs

March 4th, 2011
3:21 pm

Sadly, not everyone is honest. When it comes to dating I have much experience. Some guys will string a girl along with promises and hints at making a commitment then never follow through. Been there , done that. I am sure there are women who do the same thing.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:24 pm

Dreams – See I told you the 1st wife has all the priviledges!LOL!!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Always laugh when you say “bless ya’ heart” because I’m always hearing something else!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Some guys will string a girl along with promises and hints at making a commitment then never follow through.

Kinda reminds me of yesterday’s topic. Throw out a few crumbs but nothing ever materializes.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Dreams – Even though I found your post funny, I don’t think the man gets off that easily. I’m sure the women don’t always “Fall into the line of the head wife” with that much ease all the time.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:27 pm

Amred – Okay Stevie Harvette! LOL!!!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:37 pm

LOL @ Sexy Cool! ;)

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:38 pm

Dude is a musician (ugh), moved in with girlie after only 3 months, has BLATANTLY said no to marriage and children.

Welp, I do hope that works out for you :-?

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:38 pm

Ha ha..thanks kimmie. Now I just gotta get married so I can write a relationship book. :lol: :roll:

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
3:39 pm

ARED..girl I am NOT mad at you! I cosign your 3:18!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:40 pm

I just don’t know very many mature 18 year olds.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:41 pm

Dreams – See I told you the 1st wife has all the priviledges!LOL!!
kimmie and many of the responsibilities too. lol

I’m sure the women don’t always “Fall into the line of the head wife” with that much ease all the time.
slim shyyyyt probably almost never fall in line. lol I’m sure dude has to come in and drop the big leg on em every now and then.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:42 pm

kellibean -

I’ve told the story of my friend who strung his girlfriend along for 10 years. She finally gave him an ultimatum WITH a deadline (Dec. 31) and he held off for 3 months and finally proposed on Dec. 31 and 11:59 pm. :lol:

They have been married 5 years now. He says she’s the love of his life and he’s so glad he married her.

But thinking about it, there were a couple of things in her favor:
1) Dude wasn’t opposed to marriage, he just wasnt over his ex (who was married to someone else)
2) He did want to have kids and realized he (nor she) wasn’t getting younger

Your guy has a kid, is pushing towards middle age and doesn’t want any more children. Besides, y’all are shacking anyway.

I just don’t see how his mind would be changed with everything already in his favor.

question

March 4th, 2011
3:46 pm

What if you find out her ‘number’ is too high for you? What then?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:46 pm

One, why is it the man always doing the stringing alone. What responsibility does the chick at the end of the string have? NONE?

Two, It’s not hard dealing with more than one woman, so long as the adhere to the schedule.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:47 pm

Dreams – I’d just have a bunch of kids & call it day before I try to “supervise” a bunch of “wives”!!LOL!! H to the Naw!!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:48 pm

For Real – She’s responsible for allowing herself to be strung! Of course, if all are cool with the arrangement, nobody is being strung! :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:48 pm

why is it the man always doing the stringing alone

Because he has no problem getting all the benefits of the relationship without the responsibility. If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing. But he knows what he wants and is living up in her place when he should walk away if he knows marriage is something he’s not cool with.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:50 pm

Ha ha..thanks kimmie. Now I just gotta get married so I can write a relationship book.
ARed nah you can still write one. A how-to book on attracting and marrying a quality guy. Then when you actually get married you can say how prophetic your book was. Of course you would then immediately follow it up with a sequel on maintaining a good marriage. I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures. ;-)

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:50 pm

Kellibean: Job at the credit union for 12yrs = Stable Job
Musician at the age of 44 = Rocking out with his kock out

And that’s all I have to say about that!

Ared: When did you tell ole boy that you wanted to be married?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:52 pm

Sounds like she is stringing herself along.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:53 pm

Have a great weekend all, I’m out!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
3:54 pm

“I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures.”

And don’t forget the “adult massage” products… :lol:

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:56 pm

Ared: But she knows that he doesn’t want to be married. Knew before he move in and he confirmed after he moved in. Again, how is that stringing her along? She willing moved this man with all of the facts and I’m calling BS on this “If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing.” isn’t that the essence of string someone along or are saying women are the only that can truly be unsure if they want to get married?

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:56 pm

Very good point about women wanting the ceremony but conveniently forgetting all that goes into being a WIFE.

To answer the question, since I’m indifferent about marriage in general I’m not sure how I would feel if my partner was adamantly opposed to it. I think most people innately crave companionship. Those who have profound insights on life know not to get married. Those who do, make the best of it. :lol:

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

“She finally gave him an ultimatum WITH a deadline (Dec. 31) and he held off for 3 months and finally proposed on Dec. 31 and 11:59 pm. :lol: They have been married 5 years now. He says she’s the love of his life and he’s so glad he married her.” – This sounds like he surrendered “Fine, fine I’ll marry yo azz then! Can I get the mote-control and my beer back?”

hmmm...

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

I honestly feel like I’m never going to get married

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

I’m a woman, by the way.

question: Since I’m grown I don’t understand this. All I need is a clear and clean bill of health every quarter. I could care less about your number otherwise. Good luck.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Kimmie, you have a good weekend, too!

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Kimmie: “She’s responsible for allowing herself to be strung!” – EXACTLY! Cause without her participation said stringing cannot occur. Now say it with me ITS HER FAULT!!!!

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Welp, may all of your hearts’ desires be honored, if they are in alignment with God’s will. Have a great weekend. 8-)

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
4:04 pm

@ForReal ~ you know I had a different take. By him waiting until 11:59, he was smiling all day because he knew he was going to propose and she had to sort through her heart of hearts if she was going to end the relationship the next day. He played her the entire day (w/love).

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:05 pm

Plural marriage…men really need to think that through. Men think about getting two or three times the you know what…but one also has to remember the multiple PMS and the multiple “why did you do this?” questions. One is fine for me.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
4:09 pm

@Amazon…he knows that the situation won’t be this way forever. We may be “shacking up,” but I have already said that we won’t live together for more than 5 years without being married…if even that long.

@500…to our defense…I have known him for about 9 years. He did move in quickly, but we had relations years ago. We kind of rushed into the moving in, but we clicked many years ago. I would have never moved that fast if we hadn’t had a connection for so long…

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:09 pm

ARed nah you can still write one. A how-to book on attracting and marrying a quality guy. Then when you actually get married you can say how prophetic your book was. Of course you would then immediately follow it up with a sequel on maintaining a good marriage. I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures

Ha! Thanks Dreams. :)

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:10 pm

This marriage thing does work both ways. I think my bringing up the “L” word (guess I need to say love not lesbian), and talking about marriage as a possibility, killed off a long term relationship. She was the one content with the booty call, although she was wanting financial security which seemed sketchy for me at the time. In life as well as the FBI, follow the money and it will answer all.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:11 pm

When did you tell ole boy that you wanted to be married?

For Real – I don’t remember any specific time. But I’m not shy in stating I’d like to be married one day, so it probably came up early.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:12 pm

“If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing.” isn’t that the essence of string someone along or are saying women are the only that can truly be unsure if they want to get married?

:lol: You’re always trying to call something BS. I’m saying since they BOTH know what they want, someone is gonna lose. If HE wanted to get married and she didn’t, she would be stringing him along, but since it’s the other way around, she is being strung.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
4:13 pm

“I think my bringing up the “L” word (guess I need to say love not lesbian), and talking about marriage as a possibility, killed off a long term relationship.”

See there, Randy, that’s what you get. You should have brought up the other “L” word. At least then you might have walked away with a video to show for it… :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:16 pm

he knows that the situation won’t be this way forever. We may be “shacking up,” but I have already said that we won’t live together for more than 5 years without being married…if even that long.

kellibean – Good luck to you. I tend to think the longer you’re with him, the harder it will be for you to leave, and often times they count on that. I hope it works differently for you.

For me, once we hit the year mark and he still wasn’t “sure” it actually got easier to walk. Each day made me more and more insulted that he didn’t recognize my greatness. :lol:

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:16 pm

Y’all can have the cohab if that floats your boat. Unless I am married, I want a separate place that is mine and a separate place that is hers. She can have keys, but until and unless I’m committed, I still want MY space if I need to be alone. I like to keep lines clean and clear…and simple.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:18 pm

I want a separate place that is mine and a separate place that is hers. She can have keys, but until and unless I’m committed, I still want MY space if I need to be alone.

Sounds like you and BlackMagicWoman are a perfect match!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
4:19 pm

Ha! Thanks Dreams.
ARed Hey anytime. I just want the best for you. ;-)

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:20 pm

Hey anytime. I just want the best for you.

Thanks, me too! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:20 pm

@ swiss … funny you should say that, because she had a really nice tennis partner who wasn’t getting satisfied at home. I tried to diplomatically suggest a solution that envolved the three of us and drew back a bloody stump. LOL. She did not warm to what I thought was a perfectly logical idea…not at all.

never sprung

March 4th, 2011
4:21 pm

A 44 year old musician, who lives with his girlfriend. Red flags galore from those 2 things alone. Basically, he’s effing her real good and she’s “madly in love” as a result. I bet he doesn’t pay bills either, and walks around the house buckit nekkit d. Just because he knows he effs her real good. Have his tacos ready tonight.

I was hoping kellibean was younger than 25. He will not marry you unless you threaten to put him out in the streets. But even then he may just go live with his other woman, who is younger and more naive than you are.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
4:24 pm

He is “sure” that he wants to be with me forever…he just doesn’t want the government issued paper. He seems to be afraid of having another bad marriage. I know that I would do everything in my power to make it a wonderful marriage. I think he’ll see that one day.

Until then, I’ll take it day by day and try not to be too consumed with the future. I tend to have an issue with worrying so much about that future that I can’t be content with the present. I’m changing that…

I guess it’s about time for me to sign off here. I have to go work at the Gwinnett Arena tonight for the Kid Rock show. Wish me luck! :-)

Thanks to everyone for your words of wisdom.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
4:25 pm

Randy — My ex & I split because she decided she wanted to go full-time “L” word — but before we made the split official, I made sure I talked my way into a few guilt-induced 3-ways. Don’t judge me! Everybody deserves a parting gift… :lol:

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
4:26 pm

@never sprung…Wow…look at you passing judgement on a situation you know nothing about. I wonder how great your life is…

IJoni

March 4th, 2011
4:27 pm

Its funny. It seem there’s this stigma against people who don’t want to get married. However, there’s less of a stigma against divorced people. I think that is so unfair. There’s this line in a movie I saw once. These two people were talking about marriage and the one person says to the other, “…I don’t know. Smart people realize not to get married, I guess.” Lol. When I was in my 20’s I didn’t believe in marriage. Its funny, because when I would tell people that, they would look at me like I was crazy. Even people that had had terrible marriages or gone through an awful divorce. It amazes me that people like that still automatically think everyone should get married (even when their own marriage didn’t work). As I’ve gotten older (I’m 35), my mindset has changed more towards “take it or leave it”. If I get married great, if not thats fine too.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:27 pm

Lawd swiss…the stories y’all have on here.

never sprung

March 4th, 2011
4:29 pm

Looky here kellibean. I aint gonna sugarcoat this thing for ya. He aint marrying you. You’re providing him exactly what he needs (a home, mushy and meals) and he will string you along for as long as he can to keep it. When you’re finally fed up he will move on to the next young thang that will do it again for him. When someone is madly in love with you and want to be with you forever, they will do anything for you. Trust me on this. You are setting yourself up for hurt, eyes wide open. I hope the guy is working a gig tonight too.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:29 pm

>but before we made the split official, I made sure I talked my way into a few guilt-induced 3-ways”

You ARE the man!!!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:32 pm

@ Swiss Now i’m jealous…may be Cougartown night.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:32 pm

Have a good weekend kellibean. Come back and see us!

never sprung

March 4th, 2011
4:33 pm

@ 4:26, you have given us plenty regarding your situation.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
4:34 pm

ARed / Randy — And what she still doesn’t know to this day is that I captured one of the encounters on my web-cam… :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:34 pm

If I get married great, if not thats fine too.

That’s where I am with it…especially since I don’t have to have kids. I’d certainly LIKE to be married, but I realize not everyone gets to marry the RIGHT person. So I just focus on having a life I can be proud of (and I do)

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:34 pm

@ Swiss watched Californication last night when I git in. Every time he hits the mother, the daughter, and every odd combination imaginable, I find myself hinking I never got out of kindergarten in the game of love.

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
4:35 pm

SWISS….you are the Devil! :lol:

NEVER SPRUNG…I co-sign your 4:29! I sounds like it came from me! :lol:

RANDY….since ARED is trying to hook us up…”How you doin” (said in my Wendy Williams voice, facial expressions and hand motions included)! :lol:

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:35 pm

got in and thinking…sorry for the typo.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
4:35 pm

Randy — Cougartown? You going to Johnny’s Hideaway? :lol:

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
4:36 pm

Thanks, me too! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ARed I know. You’re Grade A, so you’ll get that in return. ;-)

Have a good weekend everyone.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:38 pm

You’re Grade A, so you’ll get that in return.

:oops: Thanks. Truly.

We’ll see! The years are rooooooling by! :lol:

Have an awesome weekend Mr. Dreams!

Animal187

March 4th, 2011
4:41 pm

The way things go for me is not well. I can date someone for a period of time and then when we start thinking that it can actually work, the woman changes up on me for some reason. This is usually after 6-8 months. The “real” person comes out and the “real” person is not the one I have been dating for the past few months but it was her “rep”. WTH??? I just want a woman that is going to be upfront from the first day we meet until the end. Is that too much to ask for? They are always looking for me to change but I will tell any woman I meet, “The person you see standing here now is the same person you will see 1 year from now.” If I only have 20 dollars in my pocket…guess what I only have 20 dollars in my pocket. Do not front, just be yourself then maybe people might get married.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:41 pm

Doing well, BMW… no question better than i deserve ;-)

a country song by BJ Thomas was called “Getting New Looks from an Old Lover Again”. For some reason several of those have resurfaced in the last few days…flattering even if not interested.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:43 pm

AAAAhhhh Johnny’s…wall to wall needy people…tempting LOL.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
5:00 pm

Glad we stayed on topic ALL DAY.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
5:00 pm

It can’t be said any plainer than never sprung’s 429p.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
5:01 pm

Marriage is not a reaction to a relationship, but rather the evolution of it. ~ Fion

Enjoy your weekend!

ASB

March 4th, 2011
8:17 pm

Learn from my mistake in trusting someone when they stated at the beginning of the relationship “Yes, I am open to getting married again.”. Ten years and two children later… Not married, not even in the same house, still dating…

kellibean

March 5th, 2011
12:12 am

Woo Hoo! My man actually confessed tonight that he’s not totally opposed to marriage with me! Yeah!!!

4evrSingle

March 5th, 2011
4:37 pm

I have nothing against the institution of marriage, I just have no intention of being institutionalized again. Been there, done that, hated it. I don’t need a “king” or a “prince” or a provider. I paddle my own canoe, have lots of good friends, great fun and a happy life never experienced in marriage. I have three terrific kids who are grown and on their own, and were raised by me alone when their dad took off to pursue his interests in drugs and alcohol. All Hail the Single Life! I’d tell that to a date on the first date, if I ever wanted to date, which I don’t because it’s not worth my time.

4evrSingle

March 5th, 2011
4:41 pm

kellibean: Read “He’s Just Not That Into You” it will tell you all you need (and don’t want to) know.

Roscoe P. Coltrain

March 5th, 2011
7:31 pm

I know you are…but what am I?

laserbadfiregood

March 5th, 2011
7:56 pm

yep shut your hole

My Two Cents

March 5th, 2011
8:12 pm

Kellibean:

You are much too smart for this guy. Do yourself a favor and look for someone who loves you from the beginning. You are having to prove yourself of marriage worthiness to this man and obviously he is not worth it. You have the purse strings and he has none. Get out while you can and find someone else. We women like to win. Trust me, this man is no prize. I promise that you will regret your actions if you stay with him. Good luck in your decisions.

Never getting married again

March 5th, 2011
8:23 pm

I live with my boyfriend and we were both honest from the start that we never want to remarry. I will never put myself in that situation again but agree that people should be honest upfront and not mislead people. I would not get involved with someone who wanted to get married because I can’t help them reach that goal.

"relationship"

March 5th, 2011
8:47 pm

The other day I was paid the highest compliment from my boyfriend of three years:

“Even though I don’t believe in the institution of marriage,
you would definitely be the one I’d want to marry- if I ever did marry.”

NEVER MIND

March 5th, 2011
9:04 pm

I am married now and I will never do it again been married 6 years if my wife leaves me a door to escape I’m kicking the door open!