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Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:07 pm

Kellibean: Cool! Best wishes to you!

You like’em older, huh? lol! Same here, girl! I’m 34 and I deals with guys in their 40s, too. Love older men!

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
3:11 pm

I’ve ALWAYS liked older men!!! There’s just something about them…maybe because they’re experienced! :-) I’ve never liked guys my age because I feel like they don’t measure up. I’ve always been called and old soul and hang out with people older than me. I can’t stand immaturity. Although…my BF is a musician and he may be 44, but acts like he’s about 18! :-)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:13 pm

Kellibean, do your thing, girl! *thumbs up*

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:18 pm

Afternoon all -

Yes, I want to get married and no I don’t stick around when I find out he is unsure. My last relationship ended over that. He was married before and extremely gun shy about doing it again. No matter how much I valued our relationship, I also know I deserve more than shortchanging myself. So I left, and he never changed his mind or came back and I’m grateful to have not gotten myself stuck in a dead end relationship.

kelliebean – Good luck with that. I really don’t see WHY this guy will ever marry you when you guys are living just the way he prefers anyway. You should ask him to leave because maybe then he’ll realize what he had with you. I don’t see him proposing any other way unless lightening strikes him. You deserve to find someone who can’t wait to call you his wife.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:19 pm

The man usually doesn’t have to handle all the wives. The head wife does that. He just pops in to show his face (or something else) every now and then. lol

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:19 pm

“my BF is a musician and he may be 44, but acts like he’s about 18!”

Bless ya’ heart…that is all.

BeenThereDoneThat

March 4th, 2011
3:20 pm

Once I heard – “Women marry hoping the man will change, Men marry hoping the woman will not change. The opposite happens in both cases”

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:20 pm

Joy…you are funny as sht. LMAO!

Babs

March 4th, 2011
3:21 pm

Sadly, not everyone is honest. When it comes to dating I have much experience. Some guys will string a girl along with promises and hints at making a commitment then never follow through. Been there , done that. I am sure there are women who do the same thing.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:24 pm

Dreams – See I told you the 1st wife has all the priviledges!LOL!!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Always laugh when you say “bless ya’ heart” because I’m always hearing something else!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Some guys will string a girl along with promises and hints at making a commitment then never follow through.

Kinda reminds me of yesterday’s topic. Throw out a few crumbs but nothing ever materializes.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
3:26 pm

Dreams – Even though I found your post funny, I don’t think the man gets off that easily. I’m sure the women don’t always “Fall into the line of the head wife” with that much ease all the time.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:27 pm

Amred – Okay Stevie Harvette! LOL!!!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:37 pm

LOL @ Sexy Cool! ;)

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:38 pm

Dude is a musician (ugh), moved in with girlie after only 3 months, has BLATANTLY said no to marriage and children.

Welp, I do hope that works out for you :-?

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:38 pm

Ha ha..thanks kimmie. Now I just gotta get married so I can write a relationship book. :lol: :roll:

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
3:39 pm

ARED..girl I am NOT mad at you! I cosign your 3:18!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:40 pm

I just don’t know very many mature 18 year olds.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:41 pm

Dreams – See I told you the 1st wife has all the priviledges!LOL!!
kimmie and many of the responsibilities too. lol

I’m sure the women don’t always “Fall into the line of the head wife” with that much ease all the time.
slim shyyyyt probably almost never fall in line. lol I’m sure dude has to come in and drop the big leg on em every now and then.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:42 pm

kellibean -

I’ve told the story of my friend who strung his girlfriend along for 10 years. She finally gave him an ultimatum WITH a deadline (Dec. 31) and he held off for 3 months and finally proposed on Dec. 31 and 11:59 pm. :lol:

They have been married 5 years now. He says she’s the love of his life and he’s so glad he married her.

But thinking about it, there were a couple of things in her favor:
1) Dude wasn’t opposed to marriage, he just wasnt over his ex (who was married to someone else)
2) He did want to have kids and realized he (nor she) wasn’t getting younger

Your guy has a kid, is pushing towards middle age and doesn’t want any more children. Besides, y’all are shacking anyway.

I just don’t see how his mind would be changed with everything already in his favor.

question

March 4th, 2011
3:46 pm

What if you find out her ‘number’ is too high for you? What then?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:46 pm

One, why is it the man always doing the stringing alone. What responsibility does the chick at the end of the string have? NONE?

Two, It’s not hard dealing with more than one woman, so long as the adhere to the schedule.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:47 pm

Dreams – I’d just have a bunch of kids & call it day before I try to “supervise” a bunch of “wives”!!LOL!! H to the Naw!!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:48 pm

For Real – She’s responsible for allowing herself to be strung! Of course, if all are cool with the arrangement, nobody is being strung! :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
3:48 pm

why is it the man always doing the stringing alone

Because he has no problem getting all the benefits of the relationship without the responsibility. If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing. But he knows what he wants and is living up in her place when he should walk away if he knows marriage is something he’s not cool with.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
3:50 pm

Ha ha..thanks kimmie. Now I just gotta get married so I can write a relationship book.
ARed nah you can still write one. A how-to book on attracting and marrying a quality guy. Then when you actually get married you can say how prophetic your book was. Of course you would then immediately follow it up with a sequel on maintaining a good marriage. I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures. ;-)

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:50 pm

Kellibean: Job at the credit union for 12yrs = Stable Job
Musician at the age of 44 = Rocking out with his kock out

And that’s all I have to say about that!

Ared: When did you tell ole boy that you wanted to be married?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
3:52 pm

Sounds like she is stringing herself along.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:53 pm

Have a great weekend all, I’m out!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
3:54 pm

“I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures.”

And don’t forget the “adult massage” products… :lol:

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:56 pm

Ared: But she knows that he doesn’t want to be married. Knew before he move in and he confirmed after he moved in. Again, how is that stringing her along? She willing moved this man with all of the facts and I’m calling BS on this “If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing.” isn’t that the essence of string someone along or are saying women are the only that can truly be unsure if they want to get married?

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:56 pm

Very good point about women wanting the ceremony but conveniently forgetting all that goes into being a WIFE.

To answer the question, since I’m indifferent about marriage in general I’m not sure how I would feel if my partner was adamantly opposed to it. I think most people innately crave companionship. Those who have profound insights on life know not to get married. Those who do, make the best of it. :lol:

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

“She finally gave him an ultimatum WITH a deadline (Dec. 31) and he held off for 3 months and finally proposed on Dec. 31 and 11:59 pm. :lol: They have been married 5 years now. He says she’s the love of his life and he’s so glad he married her.” – This sounds like he surrendered “Fine, fine I’ll marry yo azz then! Can I get the mote-control and my beer back?”

hmmm...

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

I honestly feel like I’m never going to get married

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:58 pm

I’m a woman, by the way.

question: Since I’m grown I don’t understand this. All I need is a clear and clean bill of health every quarter. I could care less about your number otherwise. Good luck.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Kimmie, you have a good weekend, too!

For Real

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Kimmie: “She’s responsible for allowing herself to be strung!” – EXACTLY! Cause without her participation said stringing cannot occur. Now say it with me ITS HER FAULT!!!!

500 Days of Summer

March 4th, 2011
3:59 pm

Welp, may all of your hearts’ desires be honored, if they are in alignment with God’s will. Have a great weekend. 8-)

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
4:04 pm

@ForReal ~ you know I had a different take. By him waiting until 11:59, he was smiling all day because he knew he was going to propose and she had to sort through her heart of hearts if she was going to end the relationship the next day. He played her the entire day (w/love).

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:05 pm

Plural marriage…men really need to think that through. Men think about getting two or three times the you know what…but one also has to remember the multiple PMS and the multiple “why did you do this?” questions. One is fine for me.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
4:09 pm

@Amazon…he knows that the situation won’t be this way forever. We may be “shacking up,” but I have already said that we won’t live together for more than 5 years without being married…if even that long.

@500…to our defense…I have known him for about 9 years. He did move in quickly, but we had relations years ago. We kind of rushed into the moving in, but we clicked many years ago. I would have never moved that fast if we hadn’t had a connection for so long…

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:09 pm

ARed nah you can still write one. A how-to book on attracting and marrying a quality guy. Then when you actually get married you can say how prophetic your book was. Of course you would then immediately follow it up with a sequel on maintaining a good marriage. I got a ten year plan for you already…books, movies, games, action figures

Ha! Thanks Dreams. :)

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:10 pm

This marriage thing does work both ways. I think my bringing up the “L” word (guess I need to say love not lesbian), and talking about marriage as a possibility, killed off a long term relationship. She was the one content with the booty call, although she was wanting financial security which seemed sketchy for me at the time. In life as well as the FBI, follow the money and it will answer all.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:11 pm

When did you tell ole boy that you wanted to be married?

For Real – I don’t remember any specific time. But I’m not shy in stating I’d like to be married one day, so it probably came up early.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:12 pm

“If she did not want to be, or was unsure of being married, that’s one thing.” isn’t that the essence of string someone along or are saying women are the only that can truly be unsure if they want to get married?

:lol: You’re always trying to call something BS. I’m saying since they BOTH know what they want, someone is gonna lose. If HE wanted to get married and she didn’t, she would be stringing him along, but since it’s the other way around, she is being strung.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
4:13 pm

“I think my bringing up the “L” word (guess I need to say love not lesbian), and talking about marriage as a possibility, killed off a long term relationship.”

See there, Randy, that’s what you get. You should have brought up the other “L” word. At least then you might have walked away with a video to show for it… :lol:

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:16 pm

he knows that the situation won’t be this way forever. We may be “shacking up,” but I have already said that we won’t live together for more than 5 years without being married…if even that long.

kellibean – Good luck to you. I tend to think the longer you’re with him, the harder it will be for you to leave, and often times they count on that. I hope it works differently for you.

For me, once we hit the year mark and he still wasn’t “sure” it actually got easier to walk. Each day made me more and more insulted that he didn’t recognize my greatness. :lol:

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
4:16 pm

Y’all can have the cohab if that floats your boat. Unless I am married, I want a separate place that is mine and a separate place that is hers. She can have keys, but until and unless I’m committed, I still want MY space if I need to be alone. I like to keep lines clean and clear…and simple.

AmazonRed™

March 4th, 2011
4:18 pm

I want a separate place that is mine and a separate place that is hers. She can have keys, but until and unless I’m committed, I still want MY space if I need to be alone.

Sounds like you and BlackMagicWoman are a perfect match!