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Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:30 pm

I know it may be weird to call him “the one” when he doesn’t want the same thing I do, but I feel like we are soulmates. He feels it too. He wants to be with me forever… I feel like I can’t just walk away at this point. It just sucks and I just hope and pray that it will all work out in the long run. Who knows…in a year, I may feel like I don’t ever want to get married. I always wanted children up until a few years ago, when I changed my mind and decided that children were not for me. I could be the one to change my mind. Who knows….

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:30 pm

I like how you minimize the “legal ramifications”

4 Real – I know this is a subject you are passionate about!LOL!! But I didn’t minimize or maximize anything in my post. The point I was trying to make is that a lot of dudes say they are not “ready” for years while living and doing everything a married couple does. I call BS on the word “ready”! If the legalities of ia all are what give you pause, then just say so. With alot of these dudes I don’t even give them credit for having legal concerns, in fact, that is a VERY legitimate concern in my book. I would have more respect if he just came out and said that. But no, some of these same guys, like I said in my post, will turn around and meet someone else & 6 months later marry them. So obviously it had nothing to do with legal concerns. He just didn’t want to marry the other lady! Be honest and upfront and say that to her!

And personally I think decided to bring another life into this world with someone is an even bigger decision that marrying them! But, alot of people take that too lightly I think!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:31 pm

Excellent question, Come on Now!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
1:32 pm

*HIGH FIVE to BlackMagicWoman*

I’m recently divorced and LOVING the single life again. I still believe in love and the beauty of marriage. I just don’t foresee myself going down that road again. If the right guy came along, I may entertain the idea of marriage again, but I’m certainly not looking for it to happen. So, I’m not looking for love/marriage, but I won’t run from it either.

In the meantime, I’m totally honest with myself: I’m selfish, love my space, loving being and mom and focusing on my child and career and love the freedom to have multiple guy friends. And I’m open with all my guy friends: they know the deal with me, and it’s on them if they choose to stick around.

To those who desire marriage, he/she should make that known up front. Don’t waste your or his/her time beating around the bush. People need to do what works for them and keep the communications going at all times.

I hope everyone finds what they’re searching, be it freedom to date or marriage. There’s beauty in both.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:32 pm

“I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do!”

@kelliebean ~ if a marriage counselor heard you give this reason, he would tell you “don’t do it, you’re not ready!”

Repost!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:33 pm

kb – I’m going to try and make this my last post.

Regardless of what the collective opinions are, I just wish you happiness. I hope that you are geting what you need to be happy.

I know that it is way easy to postpone pain by pinning your hopes on a future change of heart than it is to go ahead and make a painful decision based on the current situation.

I sincerely hope your strategy works and that you don’t have to deal with this particular pain presently or in the future.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:38 pm

Raqi – You reading? You okay? I know you’ve post a few complications with your little one.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:41 pm

@Celisea ~ I sent her an email this morning, but haven’t heard anything.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:43 pm

I cosign with Kimmie, Leggs and SexyCool.

KB–I just hope you come out on top. I know it’s tough making a decision that could potentially be very painful for you both. I’ve been there and it’s not easy. But pain does subside. Obviously you’re not ready to make a decision yet because you keep playing the “what if” game. My girlfriend is going through the same thing as you and has aked for my opinion and I’ve told her the same thing i’ve been saying all day on this blog. She listens to me but at the end of the day, she isn’t ready to make a decision. Because I care so much about her I don’t want her make the wrong decision but sometimes the only way for someone to learn is to go through a thing. So i sincerely wish you the best with this.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:43 pm

Thanks Leggs….keep us posted…if she don’t mind.

Binford2k

March 4th, 2011
1:44 pm

On different threads, I keep saying what an interesting time in history it is. Men and women are supposed to be “equal”, but then woman want “old fashioned” (ring, wedding chivalry). Time to pick one or the other and not both – that is just plain old greedy.

Never been married. Don’t plan on being married. Not against it and not for it, but seen way too many people give too much money to lawyers, and way too many people NOT HAPPY.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:48 pm

Kimmie: “So obviously it had nothing to do with legal concerns.” – Nope it had everything to do with legal concerns because he believed that he could make it work with the new chick. Also, lets not pretend women are not the ones pushing kids.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
1:48 pm

Kelliebean, you sound like a sweetheart, and I hope you find happiness.
But it seems like you and your significant other are on different pages. If that works for you, fine. But please, don’t try to change him.

Please seek serious, professional marriage counseling prior to the marriage, so you don’t go into the marriage with just hopes and wishful thinking. Marriage is more than a notion and a serious amount of work to make it work. It goes deeper than “living together.” So easy to enter, but a tremendous amount of work to keep it going and can be terribly painful and hard to get out of. Trust me.

So be a 110% sure he is the man you want to marry. And baby, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to marry (or have kids), BELIEVE him and don’t force the issue.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:50 pm

Oh…okay…seriously…last thing…IF you get him to agree to marry you, please know that you are going to be blamed for anything that goes wrong in the marriage.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:51 pm

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:52 pm

4 Real – Okay, then tell said chick you have legal concerns with her that prevent you from wanting to marry her.

As for the kid thing, I didn’t specify men or women.

‘kay?? :lol:

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
1:58 pm

TRUTH…I agree with you. A woman is seeing their wedding plans…and the man is seeing and plotting his exit strategy. You can NOT convince someone that they want to get married. I agree with some of the guys in that aspect. You can shift yourself into the perfect little Stepford Wife and that man will still find a reason not to marry you. That reason is…HE DOES NOT WANT TO MARRY…ANYONE! Is that loud enough to be heard over the church organ playing the bridal march that you have going on in your head? He may not come out and tell you that in those words. He may use a scapegoat like being scorned from a previous marriage/relationship. That is because he is too chicken-sh!t to tell you the truth. He is also selfish because he would prefer to string you along rather than let you go find someone who wants to be married. On the other hand…he can be the man who tells you that he does not want to get married. But those words can’t be heard over your mental convo with yourself on how you can change his mind or show him what he would gain by “choosing” you. Or maybe you love a challenge. And convincing him to jump the broom would be your ultimate win! But you shall lose! And you would only have yourself to blame if he told you that he does not want to get married!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
1:59 pm

And baby, if a man tells you he doesn’t want to marry (or have kids), BELIEVE him and don’t force the issue.

Alot of folks on here are saying this and I agree 1000%!

Men especially rarely change their mind about such profound things. And I would be wary even if one I knew did. I’ve seen it happen too many times. He decides he changed his mind and goes thru with it, only to have it all self-destruct down the line. He should have stuck with his original plan.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:59 pm

BMW—boy I feel like I’m up in church. You better PREACH!

lucinda

March 4th, 2011
2:01 pm

Just coming in, haven’t read all the posts.

If you want to get married, consider a prenup — especially if its the second (or more!) marriage for either person. Only thing is, you gotta update that thing from time to time as the situation changes. It especially makes sense if one person has a lot more money than the other.

As for me, I like my freedom and like a committed long term relationship without the legal complications. So, I date one guy, will keep dating him, and have no need to marry him. I like my house like it is, I like that we don’t see each other when either is tired/grumpy/whatever. It’s really a good set up and much easier than trying to ‘blend’ children and families.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:03 pm

BlackMagicWoman is spitting the truth!

*The doors of the church are open* lol.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:03 pm

Loves me some BMW…(lol)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:07 pm

Lucinda: Good deal! *thumbs up*

Relationships really would work A LOT better if people would just be 1.) Honest with themselves. 2.) Open (constant communications) and be honest with their significant others. 3.) Stop trying change people accept them for who they are OR just simply move on to find someone you’re more compatible with. 4.) Stop freakin’ settling, because you’re too lazy to find or WAIT on the RIGHT one!

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:11 pm

Joy—you better PREACH too!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:13 pm

Joy – Like that 2:07!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:14 pm

BMW – That 1:58 – You better tell it!

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:17 pm

Come On Now, experience is indeed a teacher. Honesty would nip a lot of problems in the bud.

If I figure if I’m totally honest with the dudes I’m involved with, it’s ‘gon trim the B.S. fat and save a lot time and heartache. And hopefully, it’s nurtures the respect factor, ’cause I got a lot of respect for men who are upfront about their intentions, and they seem to respond well to my open ness. We’re all grown folks; let’s BE that! ;)

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:19 pm

Thanks, Kimmie! Ya’ll telling the truth, too! *thumbs up*

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
2:20 pm

@Joy…thanks. I am going to therapy (have been for the last 6 months) and am trying to find my own personal happiness and get rid of some demons from the past. We have talked about going to therapy together, but we’re not at that point yet. We are on the same page on everything else, just not this issue at this point. I want to wait it out, but there will be a point when I decide that I will not move forward with him if he won’t give me what I want. I don’t want to look back on my life and regret anything. That’s also why I don’t want to leave at this point…I don’t want to always wonder “what if.”

By the way…I really am taking in all that you are saying. At this moment, I love him too much to want to be without him. We’ll see if I feel the same way in a year or two! :-)

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
2:21 pm

I’m watching Nancy Grace and this cat is about as scandalous as they come and too old for this mess. Didn’t raise his daughter, now living with her. Opened an account in her name without her knowledge, broke her washing machine and didn’t reimburse. Lived with her without contributing to household expenses but yet still out trying to hook up. He meet women online and take their money…so far 3 women…one even gave him $4000. After he gets the money he gets ghost. Now this cat should have learned younger. He’ll probably do this crap until he dies….cause there always some thirsty chick looking to sponsor. Ut #4 just came on and she gave him $3000….she said he asked her to marry him, he can’t recall a thing. He’s a dirty joker.

Nancy Grace called him a user and he says she’s wrong. OMLord he’s 59 years old!!!!!

Rich

March 4th, 2011
2:21 pm

Yep who wrote “I got married last May to my wife in New Hampshire. We are both women. Our marriage is not recognized in this state because of the discrimination written in the Georgia Constitution that denies me the legal right to marry whom I want.”

Is incorrect, there is no discrimination. We all have the same right to marry one person of the opposite sex. No discrimination. Is it discrimination, that I can not have two spouses?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:25 pm

That’s why I tell people to keep it 100 with me because I certainly plan on doing the same. I’ve been through enough mess to know what I will and will not stand for. And I certainly will respect someone who let’s me know the deal from jump. I may bounce when you tell me but I will definitely respect you for being honest.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
2:28 pm

There goes that “what if” game I was talking about

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:33 pm

Rich — So, by your logic, you would also think it perfectly acceptable to forbid interracial marriages. Or marriages where the age difference is greater than, say, 10 years. Or marriage between people of drastically different income levels or family backgrounds, etc. Basically, as long as your idea of an acceptable relationship is allowed, then you’re cool with it — is that it?

Bottom line, what business is it of the government who someone chooses to share his/her life with? And why shouldn’t they have the option signing up for the same legal protections and responsibilities that a heterosexual couple can?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:33 pm

How old are you?

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
2:34 pm

SCOOL…I loves ya back girl! :lol:

JOY…thank you….thank you….you’re too kind! :lol:

And now…some Friday afternoon laughs:
http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhMJU2qPff6l8c464U

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
2:37 pm

I only ask because I flubbed up three years with someone who consistently said to me that he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get married again. And where did I end up at three years later? Cheated on, pi$$ed on, pi$$ed off and with no one to blame but mydamnself.

And now…here I am with someone who truly wants all that I want in a relationship and now that I’m discussing kids and marriage with someone who wants that, I am seriously looking at being a first time mother after 40.

Joy Follows Me

March 4th, 2011
2:37 pm

kellibean, continue to work on yourself. We all need that. You definitely need to be happy with yourself FIRST.

Love is a drug, baby. Makes you feel all good. But when the bad times come (and they will), make sure he’s a guy who will have your back, respect your feelings/opinions and gives you that love and security you’re deserving of.

Mutual respect and constant communications are relationship lifesavers. Never lose that.

… and talk about money/finances before ya’ll get married. Talk about how it’s going to be handled, go through those credit reports, etc. If he’s bad with money and doesn’t have an interest to improve his finances, RED FLAG, baby. That’s your que to R-U-N! LOL… but not really!

Rich

March 4th, 2011
2:39 pm

i’m swiss™ (”FREE ME.LO”) – It is not discrimination. That is the point. Is limiting everyone to one spouse discrimination? No it not, nor is the current rules. The word discrimination is over used.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:44 pm

and now that I’m discussing kids and marriage with someone who wants that, I am seriously looking at being a first time mother after 40.

Try being an instant mom to 8 & 10 year olds. It’s not for everyone but perfect for me!

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:44 pm

SCool, my 2:44 was directed to you! :)

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:45 pm

“Is limiting everyone to one spouse discrimination?”

Rich — Actually, I would argue that it is. As long as they aren’t infringing upon anyone else, why should the government care?

Light

March 4th, 2011
2:46 pm

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:47 pm

Swiss – Get out of here! With the divorce rate like it is, most folks can hardly handle one spouse, much less 2 or more! :lol:

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
2:48 pm

@SexyC ~ glad to see the both of you are on the same page, wanting the same thing and talking things through. I wish you the best.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
2:51 pm

:lol: @ kimmie. Hey, in some cultures plural marriage is perfectly acceptable, if not the norm. My point is, so long as these people are not hurting anyone else with their choice of who (or how many) to marry, what place is it of the government to dictate who is & is not an acceptable spouse?

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
2:56 pm

Swiss – I’m just clowning! :lol: I don’t care as long as #1 – They can afford to take care of all the spouses and not have us taxpayers footing their lifestyle and #2 – My fiance’ doesn’t roll up and say “by the way, I’m thinking of moving to Utah and becoming a Mormon so I can have a few more wives! Or joining this tribe in Africa that practices such. Of course, you being the 1st wife you’ll have all the priviledges”! :shock:

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
3:02 pm

I’m 31…he’s 44. I know…he’s that much older and is probably going to stick with his decision.

Trust me…I know about the finances! I work at a credit union and I have seen problems with marriage/divorce/finances. I know that I will keep all things separate!

The good thing about us is that we do have mutual love and respect for each other. We have each others backs. I’ve gone through some really tough things lately and he’s been there for me every step of the way. I do the same for him. This is really the first relationship that I’ve had where there is mutual love and respect.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
3:04 pm

The way menfolk complain about how much work one chick is, I can’t for the life of me figure out why they would sign up for MORE than one…Even Bill on Big Love felt the stress of dealing with that many women

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
3:06 pm

Slim – My sentiments exactly!!