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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:30 pm

Kellibean-it’s ok to be optimistic, just don’t cross over into that being stupid realm. It’s a very fine line. He gave you a maybe and you being the eternal optimist took that and ran with it. The maybe was just to keep you at bay. As Sexy Cool said, take a stance on the CURRENT situation.

But you know what, you’re going to do what you want to do in the end so there’s really nothing anyone can say. When you’re ready to make a decision you will.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:32 pm

@SexyCool…I know that being married does not tie people to each other. If one wants to leave, they can. But…if married, it’s harder to leave and I know I would want to work my butt off to fix it. In our relationship, we both work hard to try to stay happy together.

No, I have never been married. That is probably why I want it so bad at some point.

I do feel like he is “the one.” I can see is being together forever. At some point, I will have to decide if I can live without being married of if I want it bad enough that I will leave and find someone who wants it as much as I do.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:34 pm

@SexyC/ForReal ~ I agree. If someone wants to walk, they’re going to walk, legal ramifications and all!!!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

ComeOnNow – your last statement is very true. As it is said, “When someone gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, then they will change their situation.”

kelliebean – I wish you all the best and truly hope that your every dream comes true.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

‘Bar biz been real slow ever since the gatorade scare, so it’s good to at least have somebody in there’

Dreams – Um…I’ve dipped in there a few times but not as many due to my recent dizzy spells. Guess I should’ve at least let ya know. So let me give you this $10 Micky D’s gift card for compensation ;-)

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:37 pm

FOR REAL–I haven’t dismissed anyone’s opinion. I said whatever someone wants to do, to do them. But I’m not going to let someone bash marriage without giving a rebuttal as to why I don’t agree. Like I said, I have a right to my opinion as much as anyone else. I know everyone is not going to subscribe to my line of thinking and I’m OK with that. But if I don’t agree with what someone says I will say so.

So while I do understand your point, but I will have to respectfully disagree with you.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:39 pm

One last question I will ask (and maybe you’ve answered this and I missed it. If so, sorry.)

Why do you want to be married?

Because what seems to be your prevailing reason is so that he can’t easily leave.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

Never mind that question, you have answered it.

Yes, I'm single

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

50% of all marriages end in divorce. The other 50% end in death. I’m not in favor of divorce or death, so I’ll just stay single.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:40 pm

I will have to decide if I can live without being married of if I want it bad enough that I will leave and find someone who wants it as much as I do.
Kellibean Leave and find someone who wants what you want. If you give in, all you’ll do is resent him (and yourself) later because you won’t have what it was you really wanted. Nothing worse than regret, especially when you could’ve prevented it.

Marriage Is for Men & Women

March 4th, 2011
12:41 pm

Don’t get me wrong, I feel that two people, even if they are the same sex can love each other & have a happy life together, probably more so than a lot of heterosexuals, but marriage is for men & women. I do agree on maybe some partners for life agreement, but not marriage. Leave marriage for men & women. I may get a lot of heat for my comment & I have met some of the nicest gay people, but I just don’t agree with the marriage thing. I am not a religious fanatic, but if we start changing the rules, why not let heterosexuals that live together be recognized as married, oh, they tried that, my bad.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:41 pm

If having a child doesn’t make it hard for a man to leave, being married pales in comparison. If they want to leave, they’re going to leave.

Willie Dynamite

March 4th, 2011
12:44 pm

Mo- No prob, since you don’t know what you want take this Patron shot it’ll loosen you up a bit. Then we can figure out exactly what you want. Let me warn you I’m not a Bartender lIke Dreams but I’ll do my best.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:45 pm

DM–I agree with you.

Kellibean–you deserve someone that wants what you want. You can’t change someone, no matter how hard you try. I’ve tried…that ish didn’t work at all.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:45 pm

Marriage Is for Men & Women

I have met some of the nicest gay people – They used to say that about Black people.

(And I hate to bring race into it, but really, I don’t believe a person should be discriminated against because of their sexual orientation (regardless of my religious beliefs about it) anymore than a person should be discriminated against because of their race, religion or whatever.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:48 pm

@Sexy…sorry…maybe I didn’t make myself clear. The first part of the discussion was about having children, not about marriage.

@For Real…”because I haven’t been there” is not the main reason I want to get married. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me with all of his. I don’t want to be punished because he had a bad marriage. I want him to see that not all marriages end badly. Who knows…ours could also, but why not give it a shot?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:49 pm

MM&W: The Government should stay out of people’s private lives! PERIOD!!! Another reason why the divorce rate is so high is because the Government makes money off divorces. And if you are not a religious fanatic the only rules that will be changed are man made laws which are changed ALL the time. Heterosexual or gay marriages succeed and fail for the exact same reasons.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:51 pm

“…but why not give it a shot?” Because his last one ended so badly. He’s not interested in merely giving something so important “a shot.”

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

“but if we start changing the rules, why not let heterosexuals that live together be recognized as married”

Better question is why is the government in the “marriage” business in the first place? Just remove the term “marriage” from the government lexicon & let it just recognize civil unions, period. Any two people, regardless of their sex, should be able to enter into a civil union, if they so choose. Leave the moral judgments surrounding the term “marriage” to the churches.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

“I don’t want to be punished because he had a bad marriage.”

You already are.

alphadog

March 4th, 2011
12:52 pm

Never get married if that’s your position, but DO NOT have children outside of marriage.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:54 pm

For Real / Swiss – good points. Because I find it really interesting that the same political party that is always screaming about government being too big is the same one that wants to tell folk who can and can’t get married and that wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.

And even more than that, folks always want a bill introduced or a law passed when something happens in their lives that directly affect them.

Jimbo

March 4th, 2011
12:54 pm

In October we’ll be married 38 years. I’m 62 and she’s 59 and still gorgeous. I love waking up next to her. Am I just lucky?

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:56 pm

Okay, kb…now I’m really confused. What does children have to do with you getting married or not?

Didn’t you say that you didn’t want any?

PM

March 4th, 2011
12:57 pm

I’m not getting married the FIRST time much less again.

My parents had two kids and then separated for years before finally divorcing. While I am sure they had their reasons for breaking up the family, I and my sibling can never forget the pain it put us through, getting taken away from our father and forced across the country. Nobody asked the kids how they felt and nobody cared and the damage caused to us has lasted for decades. My sibling and I have both decided we’d never do such a horrible thing to our kids, and one sure way to do that is to never have families that could be so easily destroyed. So we will not. No kids for either of us and almost certainly no marriages either. No way.

Besides, I’m in my 40s now and most women of comparible age are obsessed with only one thing: money. How to get more of it for less effort, how to cheat somebody else out of it, how to deny any responsibility for earning their own. No thanks. I love managing my own money. Every dime of it, I control. If I want to spend it on a new car or gadgets, I can. I answer to nobody. Awesome power.

For many of the married couples I’ve known, it’s all been just a game of cheating on each other and lies and sneaking around and hiding money and basically a bunch of bull and stress and then it eventually ends up in divorce and some more kids are left crying much like I once was. I don’t need that kind of lifestyle. I don’t need to have to deal with the dishonesty and garbage.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
12:58 pm

(Slim bending down on one knee with a grenade pin in hand)

For Real – Will you marry me? You and the AA dolphins and be one happy family, FOREVER because once we do this, we are glued for life unless I kill you…oops i mean, unless your brakes coincidentally go out while speeding around 285 in your white Ford Bronco in an unforeseen accident.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
12:59 pm

Why or why AJC do you put the link to the blog on the front page? Gheesh…so much bitterness

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
1:00 pm

SexyC Did you see the immigration bill they’re trying to pass in TX? They want to punish anyone who hires illegal immigrants, EXCEPT in cases where the illegal immigrants are maids, servants, or doing other household chores. Probably because all those politicians are guilty of having them as nannies or landscapers. lol

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:01 pm

@Sexy…Children was a different conversation. We have both agreed that we don’t want children, but one night, we got on the topic and I asked him if he would be totally opposed if I changed my mind about having children and he said that he wouldn’t be 100% opposed. He was pretty adament (sp?) about not wanting children and now he’s open to the possibility in the future. I brought that up because I’m hoping that eventually he will be open to the possibility of marriage in the future…

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:02 pm

Killiebean: “but why not give it a shot” – That’s what Charlie Sheen said the first time he took drugs. You don’t know why you want to get married other than to prove you are not ole boy’s ex wife and that is an helluva reason to get married. What do you do for a living?

Swiss: Exactly but all you have to do if follow the money and you will see why the government is involved in marriage. BILLIONS of Dollars.

ADog: Man that sound like some ish coming from China. Why can’t people have kids outside of marriage? People have been doing since the existence of people.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:03 pm

OH…that’s what you may change your mind about….

“Oh….I see.” said the Blind Man.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:05 pm

Kellibean—all I can say is good luck with that. Seriously, I hope you get the clarity to make whatever decision it is you need to make. Hey, if you wait long enough he could change his mind about the whole marriage thing. In my opinion he won’t but that’s just my opinion. Either way, I hope that in the end you come out on top!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
1:05 pm

“I find it really interesting that the same political party that is always screaming about government being too big is the same one that wants to tell folk who can and can’t get married and that wants to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies.”

Everything about the GOP is a paradox. They also manage to convince average working folk (who, realistically, will never be rich) to vilify union teachers making $50K/year as greedy & lazy and yet raise holy hell at the prospect of asking folks making over $250K/year to give back their 3% tax break from W.

The entire GOP “base” is essentially willing chug down whatever fascist, corporatist snake oil Rush Limbaugh & Glenn Beck are selling, so long as the GOP remains the party of white supremacy & white “Jesus.” Sad, but true.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:10 pm

Slim: For Real – Will you marry me? You and the AA dolphins and be one happy family, FOREVER because once we do this, we are glued for life unless I kill you…oops i mean, unless your brakes coincidentally go out while speeding around 285 in your white Ford Bronco in an unforeseen accident.

For Real: Um, I’m outta cigarettes. Imma go to the store and gets some more. Do you want anything?

Slim: I want an answer to my question and some grape favor big chew and four mary janes and a cherry freezie cup. Which sto you gonin to?

For Real: Das Marie Canteen. What if they don’t have cherry freezie cups what favor do you want?

Slim: I’ll take orange. Where is Das Mary at?

For Real: Cool. It’s in South America.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:11 pm

DreamsMat – did you see that they passed an immigration bill here yesterday that is similar to the one in Arizona?

I’m glad I’m a citizen. (lol)

jm

March 4th, 2011
1:11 pm

I’ve never been married. My parents have been married to only each other for almost 60 years now. I have 3 sisters who are all married with kids, with (in my estimation) varying degrees of “success, ” whatever THAT means. If marriage/family is what you want, great — but you better be willing to be in for the long haul; for indeed better or worse. I know I never want to be married. I am too ornery, independent, and have no want/need of children. Production of the next generation seems to me to be the only real reason to get/be married. Also, I don’t want to spend my spare time cleaning up other people’s messes, literally or figuratively. No matrimony for me.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:16 pm

@For Real…I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do! I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always seen myself married and I’ve found “the one.” It’s hard to walk away from “the one” because he doesn’t want marriage. Eventually, one of us will either change our mind or we won’t work out in the long run. For now, I don’t want to walk away because he is my baby and I love him so much and he loves me too.

I appreciate everyone’s input.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:17 pm

@For Real…Oh and…I’ve worked as a customer service representative for a credit union for 12 years…if that really has anything to do with this topic.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:20 pm

“I’m glad I’m a citizen” – If it’s just like AZ then it doesn’t matter if you are a citizen. The is designed to harass non-white people for now but just like the airport screening eventually they will get around harassing white people and then protest will start. That reminds me of something Richard Pryor once said heroin:

White people use to drive through the black neighborhoods and shake their head and say “it’s sad how these people have destroyed their lives” and then when they get home and find lil Johnny fugged up on heroin they scream “Oh my God it’s an epidemic”

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:20 pm

Can you really call someone “the one” if they don’t want something that is very important to you?

For Real

March 4th, 2011
1:21 pm

KB: And what does he do for a living?

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
1:22 pm

He’s a musician

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:24 pm

kb – your guy will always and forever be absolved of all responsibility of you not getting what you want. Because he will always be able to say that he told you (AFTER y’all had fallen madly in love) that he didn’t want to get married.

And the longer you stay living together, the longer you will be not married. Folks respond to pain and consequences. All he has to do is have a “Maybe. Someday. Probably. We’ll see.” conversation every now and then.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
1:24 pm

! I know it sounds stupid, but I’ve always seen myself married and I’ve found “the one.” It’s hard to walk away from “the one” because he doesn’t want marriage.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but would you call someone “the one” and all in the same breath say “the one doesn’t want marriage?” I think you should probably reconsider him. Nothing wrong with wanting to be married if that’s what you want. You should though probably find someone that’s on the same page.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
1:25 pm

Actually, ForReal, I started to say, “I’m glad I’m not hispanic looking and living in Gwinett.” but that would have been (and is) so stereotypical.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:25 pm

@Jimbo ~ yes sir, very lucky…congratulations!!

@ForReal ~ I just bit my tongue…wasn’t expecting that ending. Hilarious

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
1:26 pm

Slim: I want an answer to my question and some grape favor big chew and four mary janes and a cherry freezie cup. Which sto you gonin to?

For Real: Das Marie Canteen. What if they don’t have cherry freezie cups what favor do you want?

Slim: I’ll take orange. Where is Das Mary at?

For Real: Cool. It’s in South America

Slim: oh, that’s just down in Lawrenceville. Hole up, jus lemme grab my flip flops & i’ll ride witcha

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:26 pm

FOR REAL—I agree. As long as it isn’t happening to them they couldn’t care less. But shoot, maybe that’s how people are in general.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
1:27 pm

Celisea—your 1:24 is on point. If you’re not on the same page, they ain’t “the one”.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
1:28 pm

“I’ve always wanted to get married. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly why I want it…I just do!”

@kelliebean ~ if a marriage counselor heard you give this reason, he would tell you “don’t do it, you’re not ready!”