accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:06 am

I have to remember the tip on gnats…thanks.

“Not one person on this blog today, if they are happily married, has talked about marriage in a positive way. Why is that?” Because Raqi V hasn’t popped in yet, no has PR or i’m swiss or PoppaG.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
11:11 am

Leggs – I was just about to list all those people as well!

Happily married folks dont mind sharing as Raqi, PR and PoppaG do on a regular here

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:14 am

Well hopefully they’ll pop in at some point so we can have some balance here. JEEZ. Although, it is Friday so I won’t hold my breath.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:23 am

Exactly, Mo. Nor do I think it’s very negative here with some of the comments. Some people had bad experiences and view marriage in a different way. Only a handful are actually tearing marriage apart (lol).

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:26 am

Morning people! Happy Friday!

I am a new auntie again – my new little nephew was born this morning!

COME ON NOW – I love your 9:38 & 9:54. It gives me positive reinforcement. I am newly engaged for the first time, so obviously I believe in marriage. My fiance’ is widowed, but believes in marriage as well. Don’t do shacking, parents raised me differently. I just sort of skimmed over the other posts – topics like this always bring out the bitter. Don’t need or desire to read all that negetivity. But folks have their experiences and are entitled to live as they wish. It’s the beautiful thing about living in a free country!

Oh and Leggs – How much do you want to bet you get married again? I just have a feeling about you, don’t ask me why. :)

Luv ya!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
11:28 am

Morning
You should be up front and honest about what’s important to you, whether it’s marriage or anything else. I think marriage is great when it involves two people who genuinely want that. If you’re doing it for any other reason, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. The problem with marriage and relationships in general is that people aren’t honest (with themselves or others) about what they want. People present themselves one way and then act another way later. It’s the ol’ bait and switch.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:33 am

@kimmie ~ I’ve been told that before. :lol: :lol: :shock: Oh boy!

Luv ya too! It’s ok to type those words, don’t say them outloud. :lol:

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:37 am

Kimmie- I’m glad you didn’t read the negative posts. Sometimes I think the reason a lot of people have bad outlooks/opinions about marriage (and I’m really just talking about people who have never been married) is because they continuously here negative comments about it. Or maybe they’ve just never seen a healthy marriage. But looking to Hollywood to mirror yourself after…that’s just about the dumbest thing to do. I guess it’s true that you can hear 1 million positive things and not think anything of it, but hear 1 negative thing and you’ll believe it.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
11:38 am

I’m in this situation right now. My SO had a really bad marriage that he stayed in for 8 years (his choice) and has a bad taste in his mouth about it and says he doesn’t want to do it again. I flat out told him that I will get married eventually and I hope it’s with him. I try not to push the subject since it’s only been just over a year, but I’ve told him that I’m not going to “date” forever. I’m hoping and praying that eventually he will change his mind. I’m showing him that I’m not her. He has said that he will with me forever and give me his heart, but he doesn’t need a piece of paper telling him that we’re married. I told him that I do need that. We live together and act like a married couple anyways, so why not just do it in a couple of years. He says that marriage changes everything, but my view is that it only does that if you let it. I believe in keeping the sparks alive. It’s something both people have to work on. I don’t think that s*x has to “stop” after the wedding…I want it all the time anyway! :-) He’s also made the argument that if we got divorced I would get everything. Funny thing…he’s a musician and makes very little money…I already have everything! I should be the one worried about him taking anything that is mine!

So, anyway…sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t wait around, but we love each other very much. I think eventually, he will see that marrying me won’t be a bad thing. I’m not like the ex.

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:39 am

Dreams – You are right, folks are not completely honest about wanting or not wanting marriage up front. I think people are scared. Scared to admit when they want it and scared to admit when they don’t. Afraid to run off the person. When that’s exactly what you risk doing when the truth reveals itself.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
11:46 am

But, in all fairness, the topic is “Never Getting Married?” Doubt there would be a lot of happy talk on the pros and cons.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:46 am

Kellibean-how long have u guys been together?

Simple Man!!!

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

Morning Peeps….
Lurking on this one, but I have a question for kellibean…..You told your guy… “I flat out told him that I will get married eventually and I hope it’s with him.”
Why is marriage that important that it is an absolute with you?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

Leggs–you are right

kimmie

March 4th, 2011
11:48 am

I guess I have never really understood, other than the legal ramifications, the concept of a person saying they are not “ready” to marry someone that they have been shacking with for years and may even have a few kids with. You’re living like a married couple in every way but legal. What is there that you “need” to be “ready”? I mean, it’s not like you’re still coming and going as you please and dating others? I saw this couple on House Hunters that had lived together for 5 years and was looking for a house. But they interviewed the guy alone and he said he just wasn’t ready to take that step. But you’ve lived together for 5 years and now are buying a house with her? I don’t understand, but to each his own.

It’s wild though. I’ve seen a lot of times in cases like that, if the woman decides she’s had enough and leaves, the guy meets someone and in like 6 months they marry that new person. Guess with the other person there was something “missing”!

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
11:49 am

Almost 14 months now. We’ve lived together for about 11 of them. We’ve known each other for a long time. He’s been divorced for about 10 years or so. I hope he can get over the bitter feeling about marriage…

For Real

March 4th, 2011
11:51 am

On topic: Men and women need to be upfront about their desires for marriage period. And by upfront I mean on the first date. If you don’t hide your desires then you give the other person an opportunity to choose if they want to proceed with dating you. So ladies tell him upfront that you want to be married and learn to be okay with him deciding not to date you. And when he said he doesn’t want to get married please, please, for the sake of your own mental faculty, BELIEVE HIM.

I’m calling BS on all those posters that want to dismiss other people’s experience or view on marriage as bitter people. You do not have the right to force YOUR beliefs or YOUR desires onto another person. If you have to put someone else’s view or experience down in order to promote YOUR then how secure is YOUR view?

The number one problem men have with marriage is that its demise is designed by LAW to favor women. Change the laws to 50/50 split of all assets and the kids and I guarantee the divorce rate drops and the number of marriage increase.

Marriage is a great institution for those that want to be married. It is a thing of beauty to watch a two people working together to build a life and a family.

Marriage is not for everyone. I happened to be one those people. And no I’m not bitter. And no a woman didn’t not do a number on me. And no I don’t hate women. I like being a father. I like being single. I like that being a father is the number ONE priority in my life. I like living exactly the way I want to live.

BlackMagicWoman

March 4th, 2011
11:56 am

I’ve never been married and frankly the thought of getting married gives me panic attacks! The thought of never having my personal space again, or somebody always wanting sex even when I don’t just because we share a bed is sickening. I hate to cook. I do it because I live alone and have to eat. But at least if I don’t feel like it, no one is looking in my face asking me why I don’t cook. And I will not be your maid…wash your own damn clothes and pick up after yourself! You want a kid…you carry and birth it! Oh and when it’s screaming every 2 hours in the middle of the night…you get up with it!

No…I do not want to be married! Men think all women are looking to marry and somehow trap them like a spider in a web, like you are some prize at the county fair. Newsflash….some woman aren’t farting rainbows at the thought of losing herself. You think it’s a win/win for women? Guess again! If we are in a relationship…you can live in your place and I can live in mine. If I am not in the mood…it’s fine because we are in separate places and I just won’t see you that night! I don’t want in house booty! :lol: I don’t want to have to deal with more crap than usual because I took a vow. I need to be able to say, “Exit…stage left” without the bells and whistles of a costly divorce. Yeah it’s kind of set up in the woman’s favor, which can suck in some cases where she was the trife one. But if there are kids involved, who get’s stuck with the kids mostly. The man won’t have to worry about sitters when they want to go out…unless it’s their weekends or time to have them. But that’s fine. If it the other way aruond, the woman is a bad mother. UGH! Gag me!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
11:57 am

Edgar Allen – really, if you live, you are just dying a little day by day. Married or not.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
11:57 am

Kimmie—i see it exactly the same way you do. The whole shacking up thing makes no sense to me. But as you said eariler, each person is free to live how they want to. I can’t judge cuz i’ve done things that people don’t get either. I will just say I don’t understand it.

Kellibean—I guess my question to you is, if someone doesn’t want to get married, is that a dealbreaker for you? I mean, he told you he doesn’t need a piece of paper to get married so it doesn’t look like he has any intention on going that route. If you want to get married you have the right and if he doesn’t he has that right too. I guess it all boils down to how long you’re willing to put up with his hemming and hawing. It seems you’ve made yourself very clear and he has as well. I don’t know…if you’re hoping you can change his mind about it….i almost want to say that’s wishful thinking. I subscribe to the “if they tell you who they are, believe them” opinion. So it’s up to you to make a decision. Please don’t wait around for him to dictate to you what you are going to do with your relationship. But like I said, if you’re willing to wait and see then by all means…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

I think eventually, he will see that marrying me won’t be a bad thing.
kellibean If you go into marriage thinking it won’t be so bad, then you’ve already lost. You want to marry someone who knows with all their heart that they want to spend the rest of their life with you…not someone who thinks marrying you won’t be so bad.

I think people are scared.
kimmie People are also scared to go against perception. They worry alot about what other people think, and they let that influence them. Figure out what it is you TRULY want, be confident about that, despite what others may say.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

Kellibean: “I’m hoping and praying that eventually he will change his mind. I’m showing him that I’m not her.” – Women need to understand that some men simply do not wish to be married period and it has absolutely nothing to do with his last marriage or an ex girlfriend and if that is the case you can try as hard as your sweet little heart can but their is NOTHING you will ever be able to do to change his mind because his reasons for not getting married has NOTHING to do with you. So if you want to get married and he doesn’t, kiss on the forehead and tell him you are out.

Kimmie: “I guess I have never really understood, other than the legal ramifications” – I like how you minimize the “legal ramifications” when it’s reason why a man doesn’t marry a chick that he has lived with and has kids by. Why is that so hard for women to understand? I guess when more women start losing what the worked hard due to marriage the laws will change.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:00 pm

Robert1964 – you should have had a better attorney.

Willie Dynamite

March 4th, 2011
12:01 pm

Morning Folks,

Never getting married- Didn’t read the topic or the posts but just based on the title I will assume the Marriage bashers are running amock. Since this doesn’t speak to me I will sit my Happily Married azz in the corner and proceed with this liquid power lunch.

DreamsMat- hope u don’t mind, I used my key to the bar.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:02 pm

FOR REAL- Seriously? How about calling BS on the posters that only had negative things to say about marriage and are warning people not to get married. Sounds like they’re trying to push their agenda just as much. And my view is very secure because it’s MY view. I’m stating my opinion just like the Negative Nellies stated theirs.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:03 pm

“…if someone doesn’t want to get married, is that a dealbreaker for you? Although this wasn’t meant to come off as funny, I laughed simply because she already answered this question. They’ve been living together for 11 months and she’s very much in love with him.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

The first time Shthead said to me that he did know if he would ever get married again, I should have run like hell.

If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

@COME ON NOW…I think it will eventually be a deal breaker. I want to wait, but I don’t want to waste my life either. It’s really a tough spot for me. I fell madly in love with him and we want to be together forever, but I want that extra commitment. He asked me why I want it so bad and I simply told him “because I haven’t been there.” I don’t want a big wedding…I want to elope…I want to take on his last name…I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…I want the security…I want to show him that marriage can be a good thing…heck, I want the tax break! I really do feel like he will eventually change his mind. He has one child and said he never wanted to have another child…I don’t want to have a child either, so we agree on that. One night, we were talking about it and I asked him if he would be totally opposed to the idea if a few years down the road, I changed my mind and he actually admitted that he wouldn’t be opposed to it. I’ve told him before that I don’t want to marry him tomorrow…probably not even next year, but I would like to know that is a possibility down the road. He won’t give me a guarantee. I commend him for that, but I have to really sort out what I want in a relationship and decide if love really is enough…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

March 4th, 2011
12:07 pm

Willie You good man. Bar biz been real slow ever since the gatorade scare, so it’s good to at least have somebody in there.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

I guess it’s not a dealbreaker since she’s still with him.

Kellibean–Before you went into it was that a dealbreaker for you? Because if it was, when you found out his opinion on marriage and you knew it didn’t mesh with yours, why would you stay? Why compromise on a dealbreaker?

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

“If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.”

That’s pretty much my take as well. I also never, ever understood when an “ultimatum” is given. That has got to be one the silliest things I’ve ever heard someone doing!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:10 pm

did NOT…typo…

kelliebean, babygirl, if this man told you that he doesn’t want to get married again, why did you move in with him?

In MY situation, when dude said he didN’T know if he wanted to get married, he knew that he said that he WAS NOT going to marry me, then I would be out. So, by saying what he said, he kept me right where he wanted me and was able to reap the benefits of the fact that I HOPED I could show him how good of a wife I could be and change his mind.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

Warning people against something is not pushing their view. Calling people bitter, negative and lazy and stating that one shouldn’t listen to their view is pushing your view. The fact is there are two sides to a coin, why wouldn’t you want a person to have all of the information that’s available to make such an important decision?

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

Willie D – since you stole the keys to the bar, whats in stock? I could use some liquid motivation right now. Im going to keep lurking though the discussion is good……

zoomaway

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

After reading the website lousyspouse, I don’t think I’ll ever tie the knot again. I thought I had it bad, but there are worse out there! I feel like I barely made it out of my marriage alive. What a bad idea.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
12:11 pm

“I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…” And, that my dear is the most honest statement said today. One of the main reasons, some women get married!

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:13 pm

kelliebean – being married doesn’t tie a person to you. It doesn’t keep anybody that is determined to leave from leaving. Ask any divorced person you know.

Question – have you ever been married?

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:14 pm

Kellibean—that’s my point. He’s hemming and hawing. Telling you maybe and whatnot. If you want something and he’s not willing to give it to you, put 2 fingers up in the air and walk. I’m not trying to trivialize it but you deserve to be with someone that wants to be with you in the same way. Now if getting married really isn’t that important to you in the grand scheme of things then you’ve met “the one”. But it seems to me from what you said that marriage is important to you.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:15 pm

Leggs: “They’ve been living together for 11 months and she’s very much in love with him.” – I think she is in love with the idea of proving she is not his ex wife and the only thing that will confirm this in her mind is marriage.

SexyCool: “If you have to “convince” someone that you are worthy of marriage, your race is lost before the starting gun has popped off.” – I understand the context of what you are saying but the fact is we all have to prove ourselves to the person we marry.

kellibean

March 4th, 2011
12:16 pm

Well…my mom always has called me the eternal optimist. I guess I’m just hopeful that he will change his mind down the line. We didn’t really bring up marriage until after he moved in with me. It was too soon in the relationship. We jumped really fast into the living together thing. Neither one of us expected it would happen and actually didn’t even really discuss it…it just happened. We just didn’t want to be apart from each other. I still feel like I don’t want to be away from him. We really do mesh well together and we are pretty perfect for each other. By the time we even talked about marriage, we were already madly in love with each other. It’s just a tough spot to be in. He knows that I won’t wait around forever. When he argues that it’s just a piece of paper, I argue that it shouldn’t be a big deal, then. I’ve tried to tone down the topic because I know we wouldn’t be ready for a while if he does change his mind. It’s a struggle for me because I want to be with him forever, but I also want the ring on my finger and the full commitment eventually. I have to be ready to walk away at some point…

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:17 pm

Unrealistic expectations & no communication = guaranteed misery in a marriage (or any relationship, really).

I think too many people get too caught up in the fairy tale, romantic side of marriage and never have the honest, pragmatic conversations about what they need/want/expect out of a marriage prior to tying the knot. Even in the best marriages, every day is not a picnic. You need to be prepared for that, and you need to have discussed & agree upon how you want to handle mundane details like finances, personal time, household chores, etc., long before you take the plunge. Otherwise, it’s a recipe for failure.

SexyCool

March 4th, 2011
12:18 pm

“One night, we were talking about it and I asked him if he would be totally opposed to the idea if a few years down the road, I changed my mind and he actually admitted that he wouldn’t be opposed to it.”

Changed your mind about what?

And this…”I’ve told him before that I don’t want to marry him tomorrow…probably not even next year, but I would like to know that is a possibility down the road. ”

I’m sorry, but…I’ve got to call B.S. on this one. The whole first part of your post is completely contradictory to that statement. What that actually sounds like you’re doing in assuring him that you are going to stay right where you are and not pressure him about marriage RIGHT NOW, if only he will give you just a little bit of hope to hold onto. So, he did. And now, you are hoping for a MAYBE.

In this instance, I would advise you to take a stance on the CURRENT situation and not a future, possible, hopefully, maybe, if only….that might not ever happen.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:20 pm

“because I haven’t been there.” – That’s a scary/not cute reason for getting married. Make me wonder what else you want to do simply because you haven’t been there.

“I want to know that if things get rough, he can’t just easily walk out (and neither can I)…” – Um news flash marriage doesn’t prevent either of you from simply walking away.

Elizabeth Taylor

March 4th, 2011
12:22 pm

I recommend everyone get married at least 7 times.

The Truth

March 4th, 2011
12:22 pm

Most of the time men are quite verbal about not wanting to get married. Women choose to ignore the facts out of wanting to get married so bad. I think it’s faulty when anyone wants to get married so badly. Trouble.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
12:24 pm

For Real–yes warning someone not to get married IS pushing an agenda no matter how you try to slice it or dice it. You don’t ever want to get married again and that’s cool. I do want to get married and that’s cool too. I reserve the right to have an opinion just as they do. And I have right to say why I don’t agree with what they say just as they do. But to call someone’s opinion BS isn’t cool. And the people I commented on earlier did sound bitter and were negative about marriage. And I said that just because theirs didn’t work out doesn’t mean that the rest of us are screwed.

All I’m saying is, don’t just dish it out on one group of people.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:24 pm

Swiss: I agree 100%. Some women think love will somehow replace the work that is required in a marriage.

RebeDiva

March 4th, 2011
12:28 pm

I met a cool guy about 3 yrs ago and went out on one date. After our date, I found out he wasn’t really feeling marriage and wasn’t interested in walking down the aisle. I cut my losses and put him in the friend zone. Needless to say, 3 years later he’s still anti-marriage and seems to strayed further and further away from it. Although I’m still unmarried, I didn’t waste my time, my emotions, or my booty on him.

For Real

March 4th, 2011
12:29 pm

Warning is just that a warning, a person can choose to adhere to the warning or not. I didn’t call BS on your opinion, I called BS on you dismissing someone else’s opinion and promoting yours as the better opinion. This is a forum where every opinion is given or should be given because no two people live the same life and someone’s so called negative opinion maybe just what another person needed to hear. Just like someone so called positive opinion my be just what another person needed to hear. That’s all I am saying.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
12:29 pm

For Real — Exactly right, love alone is not enough to make a marriage work. You’re not signing up for a love story, you’re signing up to share your life with another person. By definition, there will be give & take by both parties. There’s no 1 set of rules needed to make it work, but the two parties had d@mn sure better identify and agree upon the set of rules they agree to live by up front. Otherwise, it’s a wrap.