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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Never getting married? Tell your date!

It can be pretty disappointing when it dawns on you that you have not met the one.  Sometimes you clear those dating hurdles early on and it starts to look promising. You’re starting to feel really good about the prospect of something long-term.

Then it happens.

Perhaps their skeletons come screaming out the of closest. Maybe you find out about some awfully huge lie.  Or you realize that you have met, dated, and started to fall for.. Mr/Miss Never Ever Getting Married.

You start mentally rewinding to find out how you overlooked the signs and missed all those anti-marriage comments.  You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.  The direct approach works best, but there are certainly smooth and subtle ways to find information out.

There are plenty of single people who want to be married someday. Making sure you are dating one of them should be a primary goal! When is a good time to find out if they are marriage-minded?

If you don’t ever plan on marrying, would you tell your date that?  How soon would you let them know? Do you think that your attitude about marriage would ever change?

For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?

Happy Friday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

288 comments Add your comment

Yep

March 4th, 2011
6:09 am

I got married last May to my wife in New Hampshire. We are both women. Our marriage is not recognized in this state because of the discrimination written in the Georgia Constitution that denies me the legal right to marry whom I want. Sanctity of marriage my a$$. If the religious zealots here really want to protect the sanctity of marriage they should lobby for outlawing divorce and jailing ALL adulterers, including their precious pastors and politicians.

jackie

March 4th, 2011
6:28 am

Yep, I don’t care.

KB

March 4th, 2011
7:06 am

Yikes, I’m in this situation now – although she hasn’t said “Never,” she’s said she “May Not” ever get married again. She’s good in many other ways; we’re compatible, but she’s about to start nursing school this summer, which will take up much of her time.
I’m leaning toward sticking around, showing her that she can depend on me. But what if that “May Not” does indeed turn into “Never.”
I don’t have the answer to that right now.

Seven

March 4th, 2011
7:25 am

@Yep: our jails are overcrowded as it is…putting those folks in there would break the walls. :-)

Really, kudos to you and your partner for taking the step and committing to each other. That is important, no matter what your sexual preference may be.

Seven

March 4th, 2011
7:27 am

The divorce rate indicates that the ’sanctity’ of marriage no longer exists. And marriage doesn’t guarantee that either one of you will be faithful.

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
7:33 am

on Topic…marriage IS scary, but if you really find the one you want to be with, to confide in, one who you can be true friends and vulnerable with…it still could be wonderful. What I never understood is co-habitating just to make booty calls convenient. If the feeling isn’t deeper than hit and run, to me dating is better if for no other reason than you don’t get as complacent and take it other for granted. Just my take but whatever floats YOUR boat, go for it.

@ Yep …why stay mad all the time? You chose your lifestyle (not your sexual persuasion, but actual involvement) in a culture that is changing, but it takes time. Society is becoming more accepting evey day. Enjoy what you have, who you have it with, and appreciate the fact that the wind is blowing in the direction you want to go.

PR in GA

March 4th, 2011
7:36 am

I am a ” Marrying” type.. I just met ” The One” and he is the marrying type also… I explained this all to him on the 1st date.. I’m not the type to date for 3 – 5 years and then slowly decide should we get married… At 47 years old I know what I want and what I don’t want and at this age I’m not afraid to say so right away… Fate was on my side when I met my other half and the stars were aligned just perfect. If, you lay everything out to start with you’ll know if they are the one…Had to kiss a lot of frogs but I finally found my KING!!!!

Randyt (aka Been There, Done That, Got a Closet FULL of T-Shirts)

March 4th, 2011
7:43 am

Slight side observation…not a good idea to assume that if someone you find attractive is married, that he/she is the “marrying type” LOL. If they will stray on their spouse, then don’t give me that confused look when they stray on you, married to you or not.

Edgar Allen

March 4th, 2011
8:08 am

63% od people polled thought that marriage is an outdated institution. For some, they can live with it, but I lean towards the quote by Bradley Cooper “When you get married, you die just a little bit every day.” No…I did it once, rode that bicycle and got off willingly. I have a hard time finding a married couple that when seperated from them would say “Yeah, I’d do it all over again.”

FHM

March 4th, 2011
8:15 am

Sorry, I’ll take the “Just dating” or “Cohabitate” scene every day of the week and twice on Saturday and Sunday. Marraige breeds monotony, routine and apathy. Way too many spouses figure that they have run the race and crossed the finish line, so they stop working at it. Women think that marraige and relationships should “just come” instead of having to continue working at it. Men think that the woman will stay just like she was when they dated and they never do. You can have a relationship…a dedicated and monogamous relationship, without the pressure, the trapped feeling and without having to give up half of everything you have earned when you break up. The DIFFERENCE is that both parties know that if they stop doing what brought them together, the other can leave without the money and legal upheaval.

Punishment/Reward

March 4th, 2011
8:21 am

I looked Marriage up in the dictionary and it read “The institution of suffering, yet faking enjoyment.” It’s a trap, plain and simple. That’s why women look at a man when they ceremony is over and walking back up the aisle “I’ve got you right where I want you. You fell for it. There are no more pleasantries and no more rose petals. i can do and act any way I want to and if you don’t like it, I’ll just take a hefty check and half of everything that you own.” Marriage was definately a woman’s idea.

Why?

March 4th, 2011
8:25 am

I’ve had that happen to my a number of times. Date for a few months, I think he’s the right guy, he’s nice, courteous and attractive. As soon as I bring up topics and how he feels about marriage, they look like a deer in the headlights and the whole relationship changes, then disappears. Are men afraid of commitment that much? What about getting married frightens men so much? Do they think that every marriage will be like the lousy ones that they hear about? It depresses me so much.

Rocket Scientist

March 4th, 2011
8:34 am

I will never get married and here’s why. 1) No one stays the same after the ceremony, 2) Women act all fun, happy and alive when they are dating. When they get married, they think they need to be our mothers and tell us when to do something, the right way to do something and if we don’t treat their opinions like it is God himself speaking, they get offended and make us pay for it for weeks on end. 3) Men crave the excitement, the sponteneity and overall happiness that comes with dating a woman that is smart, but not overly opinionated, pretty, but not obsessive about her looks and helpful, but not always “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude. The good things stop after marraige. You become married to your mother. We spnt 20 years doing what we were told and we don’t want another 50.

Melania

March 4th, 2011
8:34 am

All I know is don’t waste your time waiting for someone to change their mind….When he/she tells you who they are, respect that and beleive them…keep it movin!

Good Morning all and Have a Great Weekend! :)

Abracadabra

March 4th, 2011
8:40 am

Want to lose your identity? How about devoid of any welcomed input? Want to be nagged every day about every decision you make? Want to be blamed with every problem that exists within the relationship? Want to usher your happy sex life enter a would of being pleutonic? How about about simply being wrong about everything you have been doing your entire life?

Just sign here and put the ring on her finger. It’s a wrap!

Breezy

March 4th, 2011
8:48 am

I’ve been divorced twice and, at this point, it’s not my intention to ever remarry. But I’m not going to say never. If the right situation presents itself then it may be a Go. My problem is, why do I always get involved with men who have had crappy marriages and I have to pay for the misdeeds of their previous wive(s). I have let go of the events that happened in my marriages, why can’t they.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
8:54 am

GOOD MORNING, TGIF!!!

That’s why women look at a man when they ceremony is over and walking back up the aisle “I’ve got you right where I want you.

@Punishment/Reward ~ I have a friend who told me when they were walking out of the church his new bride turned to him and said “I got you now MFer!” WOW! Like she turned into Linda Blair from The Exorcist! They divorced 26 years later!

If and when the topic of marriage comes up, that is when I’ll let it be known I have no interest in it.

Fion

March 4th, 2011
9:02 am

I said it before and I’ll say it again, Marriage is a fine Institution.
The problem with it is “You’ve got too many Bad Sales people out here Pimpin’ the Product!

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:07 am

‘i can do and act any way I want to and if you don’t like it, I’ll just take a hefty check and half of everything that you own’

Why is it that dudes think all women want to do is take your ish? My mom has been married more than one time and NEVER gave a rats azz about leaving with half of anything. I just was never raised to be that consumed with ‘things’. If it isn’t mine, then I have no want to try to take it from you, whether i’ve fallen out of love with you or not. But maybe it’s a mere exception from the rule

Robert1964

March 4th, 2011
9:16 am

Slim, while your attitude is an honorable one, that not the case with a lot of people. My ex-wife never had to work a day in her life. I was a pilot for Delta and , granted, I was gone on flights for days on end. I never cheated. I found out that my wife had had no fewer than five lovers during the eleven years that we were married. She got my house, a nice monetary settlement and half of my retirement. I live in an apartment now and she still lives in my five bedroom, three story house. I guess you could say I’ve got a bad taste in my mouth.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:20 am

Robert – I’m in no shape, form or fashion saying there aren’t terrible scenarios such as yours that occur. However, that is not the mindset of every chick. Frankly, I’m sorry for your lose…5-bedroom house and all :-(

Mo (aka Moeisha)

March 4th, 2011
9:20 am

TGIF!

Fion – after reading some of these comments I totally agree with you. Im divorced and I dont have even half the negative outlook on marriage that is expressed here. GEESH! Like you said, Marriage is fine, its the people in the marriage that are the issue.

Now I dont knock bad marriage experiences, it happens. We read/see it everyday, however that isnt the case for ALL marriages.

I plan to marry again someday……my divorce wasnt all my spouse’s fault and I wont act as if there were some things I couldnt have done better/differently.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:23 am

I like the way you said that Fion, “pimping the product!” NICE!

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

March 4th, 2011
9:24 am

“Why is it that dudes think all women want to do is take your ish?”

Slim — You’re not alone… Not all women are out to take their husbands to the cleaners in a divorce. But the reason that scenario is so prominent in guy’s minds is that if she does want to take him to the cleaners, everything is set up in her favor to do so.

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
9:35 am

@Fion~ Marriage is a fine Institution

I agree, and it can work if you respect each other regardless of whether you disagree or not about a matter. Although, I am divorced I desire to try it again and make the best of it as I don’t intend to cohabit and just exist.

Marriage takes work like anything else and both people must recognize you are still two individuals within a union. Your personalities and decision may be different, however you compromise and make decisions for the benefit of both by getting on one accord. My parents have been married for 41 years and that is a testament in itself!

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:36 am

@SlimNU ~ just read your comment on Le-a. Girl, I am cracking up. That is just ridi*cu*lous, but very funny!

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
9:36 am

Morning,

Why so much bitter this lovely morning?

Disappointed? Mentally rehashing? If you’re stuck doing either of these you’re aren’t growing. What happened in the past is the past. No point in mulling over the wouldas couldas shouldas. I find so much more on the other side of “having learned better.” So what marriage wasn’t the outcome of the one you thought was “the one.” If it didn’t happen, it wasn’t meant to be. I like the place I’m in and really don’t find myself consumed with wanting to get married. Neither do I sit and watch and wish and compare my life to others. More often than not the picture you’re looking and so wishing for is nowhere near what it seems. Live life…whatever is meant to happen will happen.

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
9:37 am

Swiss – I get it…i really do. Life is simply just CWAZY!!

Fion

March 4th, 2011
9:37 am

Not justification, but conversation.
Sometimes I think about my Old nieghborhood, riding my bike during the summer.
There was a dog at the end of the street “Tiger”. You could always count on Tiger to chase
you on your bike and give you a thrill.
I think alot of women view Marrage the way Tiger viewed chasing things.
You’ve perfected the chase part,
The real question I don’t think a lot of women consider is ” what do I do when
I catch that Bike! (Man)

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
9:38 am

@ Mo:
I totally agree with you. For you people that have been married and divorced, stop acting like your stuff doesn’t stink. You chose your spouse. I’m sorry your marriage ended in divorce but TRUST ME, you had a hand in it. Stop always painting yourself to be the victim. I know plenty of people who have awesome marriages so all this talk about marriage being horrible is stupid. People don’t want to work at anything anymore. They always have an excuse as to why they are not going to do something and have no idea what it takes to stay married. Dang, I mean, you can’t even walk 10 feet without someone making an excuse. STOP IT. The institution of marriage is not outdated. If you don’t want to get married again that’s your choice, but stop always trying to blast marriage. Maybe YOU weren’t ready to get married. Maybe YOU didn’t have what it took to keep it together. That doesn’t mean that everyone else is doomed.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
9:41 am

You chose your spouse. I’m sorry your marriage ended in divorce but TRUST ME, you had a hand in it. Stop always painting yourself to be the victim

I agree with this. When I first read this morning, I mean every dude blamed the wife for either the bad situation currently in or the demise. Folks love to come on here and blame the other. Take responsibility for your part. I honestly thought unless these dudes all married shotgun, ummm why complain and blame. And I seriously doubt somebody’s daddy made them marry.

abc

March 4th, 2011
9:42 am

If you find the right woman, marriage is awesome. Otherwise, marriage can be your life’s ruin. A marriage that’s a covenant before God has a much better chance at being a happy and fruitful union than one that’s not.

I would venture to say that many people who declare they’ll never marry just haven’t met the right person yet. Someone who’d make such a declaration and never consider that could change probably has enough baggage about it that nobody would want to marry them, anyway. I’d think folks like that would be pretty easy to spot.

Not that there’s anything wrong with never marrying. It ain’t for everyone, just as being a parent isn’t for everyone.

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
9:43 am

@Robert1964~ Just know that every dog has their day!

Your grievance is understandable.

Kiss of a Rose

March 4th, 2011
9:45 am

The truth is marriage is all about suffering. Can you suffer with this person until you die? They say to death do us part or for better or for worst. People don’t understand that madness when they get married. Woman are in it for security and man are in it for the sex. Reality hits us, I have to be her best friend. I have listen to her and talk and talk and talk. If you truly love a woman, you are going to suffer with this woman by not sleeping around and by being the best provider you can be for her. Period. If you don’t love this woman, then wear a condom and have fun and don’t get married. Period. People we are all getting older, we have to learn to be honest with people that are in our lives. In the end people want love and property. Woman want security and they will find security with or without a man. People who want to get married, you have throw it all out on the table, so you can scare the people who want to use you for sex and hurt you in this life. Period.

Leggs

March 4th, 2011
9:46 am

Well, I for one will raise my hand and say the demise of my marriage was the fault of both of us. I don’t knock marriage. It’s great for those who want it. It’s just something I doubt I’ll ever do again. I know they say “never say never,” so I’ll just say I highly doubt it. I do realize marriage can be a beautiful institution when BOTH parties are in it together and work together in keeping the marriage vibrant, happy, loving and respectful.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
9:54 am

Now that I have said my piece to all the Negative Nellies out there, back to the questions at hand:

“For those of you who want to marry: Would you consider long term relationship without marrying legally? Is it something you would possibly compromise if you felt that you and your partner could make it work?”

NOPE and NOPE. I believe in marriage. I don’t believe in shacking and wasting my time without a real committment. To those that say that you can have said committment without being married…BULL. Just another excuse for you to not work at it. It’s really easy to just walk away from something. It takes a very strong person to actually work it out. But hey, I believe that some people just aren’t cut out to be married. And I get that some people don’t ever want to get married. If that’s you, please, DO YOU. But as for me and mine, I believe in marriage and I believe that one day I will find the one that feels the same way I do.

M. (pronouced M dot)

March 4th, 2011
10:08 am

Good friday everyone.

I think in the current generation, the idea of marriage is definatley being questioned; from areas of companionship, financially, and if it is required/needed for life happiness. I think a lot of men and women are cynical going into the idea of marriage.

If I did not plan on marrying, I would tell the person ASAP and let them decide if they want to stay or go.

I think a lot of women are trying to balance their work/home life and at times, feel like there is not room for both.

@Punishment/Reward LOL!

Fion

March 4th, 2011
10:17 am

-Wise
“You wonder how it’s even possible that you ended up dating this person as long as you have without knowing they felt that way.

I’ve been there! This is why you ask key questions. Not in a Nancy Grace “Sir, please answer the question!” kind of way.”

Hay Wise, stop the maddness. You only have to do 1-thing. STATE YOUR INTENTIONS UP FRONT.
If marriage is on your mind, tell the man out of the gate ‘I’m Marriage Minded”. Guess what Wise, it it cut all the crap.
Why the long drawn out Ka-boo-kie dance. If ya Grown, be Grown. You don’t have to play “50 questions, Say what you want up front.

Edward

March 4th, 2011
10:23 am

That’s fine if you want to get married, but stereotypes are brought on by repeated experiences from the same scenario. They just don’t create themselves. If you have a good stereotype, then you got that from from your experiences. The bad stereotypes……. Marriage is getting bad rap, by and large from Hollywood (what we want it to look like-movies) and from our surroundings, as well as Hollywood again (all the quick marriages, infidelity, nasty dicorces). To each their own. I’m maried, but have decided that we were best when we were dating. Nothing I can do about it now. Just put one foot in front of the other and move forward. Sometimes divorce IS too expensive. People change and not always for the better. Do I have something to do with the state of affairs? Absolutely. Am I the only cause? Nope. I saw it posted before that marriage breeds complacency. Truer words have never been spoken.It takes two to tango, but only one to play the music. If I were to find myself back in the single life, I would shun a repeat like a vampire from sunlight.

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:25 am

@ Fion:

DING DING DING!!! Tell him what he’s won Alex!

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:29 am

@ Edward:

Have you just decided that your marriage is what it is or are you going to do something to try to change it so that it doesn’t end in divorce? I know that you can only control your actions so what are YOU going to do?

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:40 am

Today on the doctors…home remedies

Soat throat in kids….give gummie bears. The glycerin coats their throats
Athletes Foot..white potatoes and vinegar
Unhealthy hair….mayonnaise, eggs and beer…coat hair, wrap in saran wrap, blow dry about 20 minutes
Sunburn….lettuce
Bad Breath…cranberry juice (swoosh/rinse out)
Knee pain….knee cap dance…flex muscle

SlimNumeroUno

March 4th, 2011
10:40 am

Leggs – my co-worker sent me that joke and boy did I need that laugh yesterday. Folks just HAVE to be all OVERLY creative lol

Heart&Soul

March 4th, 2011
10:43 am

Come On Now~I agree with your 9:54a post wholeheartedly :)

It’s good to know that some people still believe that marriage still exist and can work!

Edward~I agree that marriage is getting a bad rap, and it doesn’t make it any better when you have examples from Hollyweird making it look like the norm. It seems that some aren’t taking the vows they exchange seriously instead they’re floating through the motions of a fairy tale dream!

Edward

March 4th, 2011
10:43 am

@Come on now…Basically, we are at a stand off. I’ve suggested couseling, but she just bristles at the thought and doesn’t want anyone telling her what she needs, feels or what she should change. She says that “this” is what she needs and wants in a marriage and that I’m not offering that. Any attempts on my part to meet those needs and it “Isn’t what she was talking about” or “Not quite right”. I think she is just making excuses and has no plans to change anything about her or her expectations. She has already walked out of one session with a therapist almost a year ago when she heard something she didn’t agree with. Does that crystalize it for you? Everything has to be on her wave length because she believes in her heart that she is right and anyone that doesn’t quite see it that way doesn’t understand her.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:52 am

More from The Doctors on home remedies

A dab of vanilla extract on the back of neck and/or ears repel gnats
Headache but no medicine…rub hands through hair and slightly pull..repeat for a couple of minutes..will ease.
Age spots….rub white potato
Got the blues or in a funk….walk or jog

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:53 am

@ Edward:

WOW. You know normally, from what I’ve seen, it’s the man that doesn’t want to go to counseling for the very reason you say she doesn’t want to go. I commend you for suggesting that you both go. In her defense (simply because she isn’t here to rebutt) I’m sure she has her side of the story. Like Dr. Phil says, “no matter how much you flatten it, every pancake has 2 sides.” That is a serious situation and it’s hard when the other person is not willing to do anything. But, you guys did get married and said the “for better or for worse” vows. The only thing I can say, which you may not want to hear, is to keep working at it. Be/keep being the BEST absolute husband you can be. Make up your mind that you are going to love her no matter how ugly she’s being to you. I don’t know if you guys are religious or not but maybe you need to go to counseling at your church. I pray that things get back on track for you.

Fion

March 4th, 2011
10:53 am

I’m gonna drop this and I got to jet,

From my perspective (the male), most women want to get married and be married. Being a “Wife”, that’s a whole nother story.
That’s the dividing line “be married /// being a Wife. Lot of Folk will run to that ‘be married line”, that “Wife line’ kinda small.
Like they say a lot of’em went, but only a few were called!

Marriage is not a reaction to a relationship, but rather the evolution of it.

Celisea

March 4th, 2011
10:54 am

Jimmy Choos slingbacks on Ebay for the low low $229

COME ON NOW

March 4th, 2011
10:59 am

@ Heart&Soul:

Thanks. I guess the thing that bothers me is when the topic of marriage comes up, all you hear normally are the people who are against it or who are miserable in theirs. The ones who are happily married, it’s like you don’t hear anything from them about how happy they are. Not one person on this blog today, if they are happily married, has talked about marriage in a positive way. Why is that? I guess it’s because no one is happily married, LOL. Dang.