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Dating takes time. Do you have it to spare?

My favorite Matchmaker Paul Carrick Brunson recently tweeted:  “If you don’t allocate time to find love, it’s going to be very hard for love to find you”.  Now I had to seriously think of the amount of time I allocate to dating.  Even though I’m on the go a lot, I don’t necessarily have “manhunt” on the menu, although I certainly wouldn’t run from a promising potential. How much time should you allocate to finding love?

Last night I attended a panel discussion at W Hotel in Buckhead, presented by The Root and Target. It was a positive and empowering event for women who are Young, Female, and Fabulous (oh hush, 2 out of 3 isn’t bad). The panelists included: Tracy Ferguson from Jones Magazine, Taj George (singer/SWV member), Beverly Bond (DJ Extraordinaire/Black Girls Rock founder), and Jacque Reid (TV/Radio personality) facilitated the discussion.

One of the attendees asked, “How do you balance work and home life?”  When home life is supposed to include devoting time to dating, how do you juggle everything? Most of us have busy schedules and many responsibilities, so how do you carve out time for dating? How do you prioritize what is important and necessary?

Are you leaving it to chance or do you actively take steps to meeting someone special?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

443 comments Add your comment

SlimSquareOne

February 23rd, 2011
8:22 am

Morning,

I don’t have an issue finding time for ‘love’ if that’s what I want to do. I suppose this post applies more so for the person who is always on the GO or has a busy schedule. I have tried to date a person who seemed to always have stuff to do. Needless to say, that didn’t help in keeping my interest. If you’re too ‘busy’ to spend time getting to know me, then I take that as you really aren’t that interested.

Y'all Are Kids

February 23rd, 2011
8:23 am

I activley take time (or used to) in pursuing hobbies where I’ll meet women. Or volunteer. It’s never been a pursuit thing for me. More just making sure I’ve been in the right place at the right time.

Heart&Soul

February 23rd, 2011
8:29 am

Good Morning,

Time and Balance are essentials in life whether single or married. If one leaves it to chance to meet someone, the probability of that happening is close to nil. So it’s best to make time to get out and mingle and/or find a new hobby to perhaps meet a potential suitor because a desire/thought without action will not get you anywhere to meet that special someone.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 23rd, 2011
8:30 am

Time constraints have brought my love life to a virtual standstill in the last two years, so I can totally appreciate this. My work schedule keeps me out of town or out of the country 90% of the time. Add on a few family things, and trying to get a house ready to rent out that is an hour away from my new one…something has to give. I can’t begin to guess at the opportunties missed in Internet dating this last two plus years, because I was too tired, too busy, or just too dayum lazy to respond.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 23rd, 2011
8:32 am

…and I 100% cosign Y’all. It IS all about being in the right place at the right time.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 23rd, 2011
8:32 am

Making time for someone you like or want to get to know isn’t hard. There should be a work/life balance that people strive for anyway, so just add him/her to the mix.

It is difficult, at first, to stop that mental process of work, work, work; but after a while she/he becomes the reason to slow down.

Though I’ve seen fastastic women lose good men (and vice versa) by not being willing to “smell the roses”.

even though they smell like boo-boo

Purple Rain

February 23rd, 2011
8:38 am

Time is our most valuable asset. Make sure you invest it wisely. Off Topic, Alyssa Milano is having a baby and I can not believe she cheated on me.

Y'all Are Kids

February 23rd, 2011
8:40 am

PR – It should be mine. Gawd knows I’ve flung a lot of DNA at her.

DMV

February 23rd, 2011
8:45 am

LMAO@Purple

Your time is what you make of it and how you allocate what is important and what is not so important. Working out, for example. If you think it’s important, you fit it into your schedule without excuses. Sometimes you can’t go meet Billy Bob for a beer or dinner and sometimes you may have to get up an hour earlier than normal to get a workout in. Same for dating/love. If it’s important enough to you, you MAKE time for it, because dates/love/staying fit won’t happen on it’s own. All you have left are excuses and rationalizing as to why “it” hasn’t happened with you.

SlimSquareOne

February 23rd, 2011
8:46 am

‘Gawd knows I’ve flung a lot of DNA at her’

Hitting the ‘afternoon delight’ posts early i see. :shock:

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
8:53 am

Morning,

I don’t find “making time” for someone difficult. If you truly dig that person, you’ll make the time. There are plenty of things you can do “with” a person while on the go. IMO, it comes down to people will make time for people they’re wanting to spend time with.

Y'all Are Kids

February 23rd, 2011
8:55 am

SSO – for you, maybe. I’ve been up since 04:30.

DMV

February 23rd, 2011
9:05 am

People tend to come up with all sorts of excuses for not making time for something they want. They expect things to just come to them without them going to much or any trouble. It’s not “how much trouble it is”, rather it’s “how much it means to me”. Your actions speak louder than words. If you stay at home, don’t socialize or have a negative outlook on most everything, don’t expect to have any dates or find the love you are looking for. Like staying fit. Joining a gym or buying workout vidos is nice start, but if you don’t USE them, well then it’s meaningless. It’s all about what is important to you and if it’s not important than it usually shows bright and clear.

dreamslut

February 23rd, 2011
9:08 am

Good morning everyone! I agree with most of you. If you won’t make time for me, than I won’t make time for you. It’s a two way street. You make the bed you sleep in.

Wise Diva

February 23rd, 2011
9:08 am

Yes, I think timing is everything. Why do I suddenly want to go play Outkast now, thanks Dan.
*smh* at flinging DNA..cutting up already

[...] is the original post: Dating takes time. Do you have it to spare? | Misadventures in Atlanta This entry was posted in Dating and tagged allocate-time, carrick, carrick-brunson, find-love, [...]

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:25 am

The topic makes me think back to a comment my hubby made about an eHarmony or Match.com commercial. The commercial portrayed this woman that had her own business and she was saying she was too busy to get out and meet someone so she went the route of online dating. He focused in on the point of her being too busy to meet and find someone and not the online dating part.

He said her statement is going to be the nature of their entire relationship. He will forever be taking a backseat to her business and she will not see where that is a problem.

Barry

February 23rd, 2011
9:25 am

I know this is off topic and no one may respond but I am curious to know how important a man’s intelligence is to black women. If you respond to my question please include your age.

As far as meeting someone special, I swear that it’s hard as a black man to meet anyone, especially of substance. You can barely speak to certain women without them thinking you’re trying to get their number or in bed with them.

Whether you make time for a woman or leave it to chance, I am only 26 and I feel that I will have a hard time meeting any woman currently because I am an intellect. I am not boring, I just enjoy a woman who understands and cares about the deeper issues that affect the world. It is hard to find a black woman who is attractive but has substance also.

Where are the fine, intelligent black women that love intelligent black men?

Does intelligence turn you on?

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:27 am

I hate to interupt the topic so early, but I have one question.

dreamslut are you really proud to call yourself a slut? Really? I have seen several comments made by you and wanted to ask you but didn’t know if you were just another fly by night name changer or what. But “slut”? Really?

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:31 am

Barry, I am a 42 year old black woman.

Are you talking true intelligence or book smarts?

Being intelligent just means you are not stupid. You have common sense and use it well. You are learned in the way of life and you are nobody’s fool. I don’t know of a woman black, white or yellow that does not want a man that is intelligent. But higly educated is not at the top of the list for many.

Just be a good, honest, sensible man and a good woman will be more than happy to be with you.

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:33 am

Celisea, I agree. We make time for what we want to make time for. If a person is not making time for you, you are not on their list of priorities. Who wants to be with someone that does not see them as a priority?

If you can make time for your Saturday morning racket ball match you can make time for a companion. That’s just fact.

Everyone should have their hobbies and interests however putting a thing before a person seems a bit inhumane. But it’s all about balance.
I gave too much time to my son’s father to where I lost myself. But when it came to my present relationship I knew how to balance things. I had no problem fitting him into my life and still be me. He is very important to me therefore it was not hard to skip a night with my girls and be with him. Or include him in on going to my son’s karate match. It was hardly every all or nothing. He and I invited each into our lives rather than choosing an area of our life over each other.

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
9:33 am

Barry….morning….I’ll take a stab…too never ask a lady her age :)

There are plenty of women of substance. You are not NOT meeting women because of your intellect. Let’s get that one out of the way. I’m surrounding by women everyday all day and rarely have I found one lacking intellect as well. Most times though (and I stand corrected) most women react to what they know or have been familiar with. I don’t imply nor do I think it’s fair to have to hop through a gazillion hops to prove yourself otherwise (not solely wanting to bed) but if you want a woman of substance, you have to be willing to see what she wants as a thing of substance and standards. A woman of standards looking for a good man will meet you in the middle. Honestly, I don’t take everybody at face value and tend to lean toward being cynical (without saying or showing…but in watching and being guarded), but if you’re willing to give it a go, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. If your actions match your words then I would know and see you to be a man of honor. If you come with a lot of hemming and hawing and there’s nothing much to you then I would assume you really didn’t want to much of nothing in the first place….but may a good time and roll in the sack. Again, I stand corrected but it seems most men find it ardous having to abide by a woman’s standard. It’s not really that hard. Anything work having is worth the effort….that’s my .02 cents :)

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:33 am

Making time and including someone into your life is clearly the path from just dating and the entrance of forming a relationship.

Okay now I am going downstairs while the hub and baby are on their way to Tarjee.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 23rd, 2011
9:36 am

Morning
How much time should you allocate to finding love?
As with anything else, you should allocate whatever amount of time it takes to do it successfully. Since I got my daughter, dating has taken a backseat.

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
9:37 am

Raqi – If a person is not making time for you, you are not on their list of priorities. Who wants to be with someone that does not see them as a priority

Exactly. I know I’ve gotten butterflies the willies the heebee geebees all in the name of a man I was truly feeling and moved, shifted and changed EVERYHING around…..when a date was offered. I never told them…LOL…but I did it because I REALLY wanted to get some time in.

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
9:38 am

surrounded not surrounding

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:38 am

LOL Celisea, I didn’t read his entire comment.

Barry, it’s not your intelligence that’s the problem I promise. It probably more than likely your delivery. Just from how you presented it here I can imagine how your approach is to woman. Maybe you are wound to tight and need to loosen up a bit.

Leon X

February 23rd, 2011
9:38 am

This is what has confused me about people who join online dating sites and say that they are too busy to meet people. If you’re too busy to go out and meet people, wouldn’t you also be too busy to date?

Purple Rain

February 23rd, 2011
9:39 am

Yall, she is Ms Milano is such a tramp!

Raqi, I asked her yesterday and she gave some sort of explanation, it still makes me wonder why though. I just wont call her a slut, even if she is one.

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
9:40 am

Raqi – Maybe you are wound to tight and need to loosen up a bit.

LOL…yeah, I’m thinking the same. He says he’s 26, he should be good and mellow in a good 7 or 8 years.

Celisea

February 23rd, 2011
9:42 am

Good point Leon X…I agree

Kym2

February 23rd, 2011
9:43 am

Wow…this is true. It has been mentioned several times before. But you do have to allow time to committ to dating. However, all real women know not to waste time but devote time. On another note I wish I had known about this event..I would have definately been in attendance

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 23rd, 2011
9:45 am

@Raqi

Sans defining the terms “attractive” and “smart” he may have a point.

There is something to be said for “RHOA” and “the Game” being must-see-tv and “60 minutes” not.

Kym2

February 23rd, 2011
9:45 am

also…last year I was working 2 full time jobs and in graduate school full time…I HAD NO TIME TO DATE..I prayed and prayed for the time to do what I needed in life …and I got it..Now I have the time to date and I am enjoying every minute of it. All work and no play at all is boring..trust me I know , I did it for almost 3 years straight…

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Wise_Diva and Wise_Diva, Nyasha Buchongo. Nyasha Buchongo said: RT @Wise_Diva: Are we too busy to date? MIA blog #Atlanta http://bit.ly/gXHYWc [...]

dreamslut

February 23rd, 2011
9:48 am

Raqi V, I already answered that question yesterday. I think you are playing into the name calling stigma and think that’s what I truly am. It’s not. I told (I can’t remember his name) that I work in a very professional business where I wear business suits and make presentations on a corporate level. I have to act straight up, all clean and sparkly and engage on a professional level. I came up with my name, not because it’s what I am, but because it’s sort of like my alter ego. I love to go out, meet people and act pretty on the edge. I take care of myself and tend to wear (in my opinion) pretty hot outfits. I also make no bones about that my mind thinks along the same line as men, as I love them, meeting them, etc. In my mind, I wish I could go out and meet men and act as “aggressively” towards them as they stereotypically do with women. My problem is that I don’t have the guts to do that and besides it’s not the most responsible way to act either. I just WISH that I could, because as I have been told by the men in my life, I have a nuclear powered libido. I just don’t act on it nearly as much as I imagine it. It was put pretty well at some point, that it’s my alter ego that I get to act the way I think and say the things I think on the blog and don’t have to worry about anyone on here knowing me and thinking “OMG, she said THAT?”. In real life, I’m not a slut and it doesn’t really bother me if anyone on this blog thinks I am or not. In real life, I’m Diana Prince, executive office. On here, I’m Wonder Woman, the woman I wish I could be, but can’t or won’t. How’s that?

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:49 am

From my experience of being an adult and having met and associated with 100’s of people, usually when people say they can’t meet someone of substance or because they possess XYZ it’s hard from them to meet someone, that’s pretty much an true indicator of that person presented themselves in a way that is a turn off to many.

There is a time and place for everything. No one wants to be “deep” all the daggone time. That’s just a taxing life. You have to add a little fun time in the mix. Just because a pretty woman wants to spend a day gleefully hanging onto your arm at the county carnival while sharing cotton candy and hotdogs does not mean she is void of being profound. Take a minute or two to breathe sometimes.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 23rd, 2011
9:51 am

Are you talking true intelligence or book smarts?
Raqi You can’t separate the two. You can’t be book smart without “true intelligence.”

Yall, she is Ms Milano is such a tramp!
Purp I had a few flings with Ms. M too. Sorry man.

Barry you should probably define what you think intelligence is. It may mean different things to different people, and it’s also relative. In the end, you have to pitch your product to people in the market for what you’re selling. If you enjoy discussions about quantum string theory, then your typical dating venue probably isn’t a good fit for you. You would probably be better off joining a local chapter of one of the physics societies. Or go to one of the many lectures at some of the local colleges. Targeted marketing man…identify the people most likely to respond to your solicitation, and then target them aggressively.

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
9:54 am

Dan, hold on let me get a pillow to put under my feet. You are way off on your must see TV comment. LOL

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 23rd, 2011
9:58 am

@Raqi

Not what I said in the slightest.

No one is “deep” all the time (least, I would hope not), but the capacity to be profound is one that some men are looking for. And the ability to display it casually is a turn on, for me at least.

I’m not saying that philosophical or political conversations are all that are warranted in a relationship, but really, the capacity and the ability to display that characteristic is not something that’s done in the dating world that often.

Again, these are my experiences and based on the experiences of other single men that I associate with.

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
10:00 am

Dan, just because a woman does watch RHOA does not mean she does not have CNN or 60 Minutes on her must see channel lineup. It’s very narrow minded to think otherwise.

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
10:04 am

Dan, that’s because most start out dating for fun. Dude you can stay home and watch the State of The Union address if you want profound callous conversation.

There is a time and place for everything. Get to know the woman first. Getting out is usually about escaping the “profound” for a few hours. It has it’s place.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 23rd, 2011
10:05 am

Maybe you are wound to tight and need to loosen up a bit.
Or he could just look for women who are “wound” the same way he is.

No one wants to be “deep” all the daggone time.
If Barry wants to be “deep” all the time, surely he isn’t the only one. There must be a pool of women (however small) who also like to be “deep.” He just has to find them.

Sans defining the terms “attractive” and “smart” he may have a point.
Dan I agree about the defining part. Smart is relative, and you have to kwow what people mean when they say that. Most women would say they want a smart man, but would they have dated Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg or Michael Eric Dyson or Cheik Anta Diop? Probably not.

AmazonRed™ - Show time...

February 23rd, 2011
10:08 am

Morning all -

I am 33. And I do want to be married eventually and I understand that the person I marry will probably want to knock me up. Seeing as how I don’t want to start pushing out babies at 40, I am making a conscious decision to make “time” to meet guys.

Now meeting guys has never been a problem, but whereas before, I’d go out and not pay attention to the men in the room around me, I am making more of a point now to actually get out more and speak to the ones that catch my eyes and vice versa. I’m good for ignoring folks. :lol:

In reality, it’s only a minor change, but it makes a difference. For instance, I was at a happy hour last week and saw a guy who I thought was cute. He didn’t step to me, so in the past, I we would have never spoken and life would go on. But instead I took initiative and struck up a conversation and it went from there. That’s progress. :lol:

Purple Rain

February 23rd, 2011
10:09 am

When I looked at the poster of Ms Milano her eyes said she was mine. I am finding out her eyes said the same thing to all of the guys. “she said I was the one….but the kid is not my son…..that billie jean is not my love…”

Raqi, I think he is saying the women he meets will have a dialogue about RHOA but when it is time to discuss current events they do not know what is going on in the US/World.

Barry

February 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

I am not deep all the time, nor am I looking for a woman to be deep all the time. I also don’t think I’m too up tight. The type of intelligence I’m referring to is book smarts as well as being able to think outside the box. I am from the Bankhead community, I have former friends that deal drugs, however, I also have goals, I’m a college graduate, and I just find it difficult to meet black women my age who share the some philosophical beliefs as I do.

Be honest, strictly referring to women, when you were 26, what kinds of guys were you dating or sleeping with?

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

DreamsMat, you can separate the two. A person does not have to be book smart (i.e. higher educated) to possess intelligence.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 23rd, 2011
10:10 am

@Raqi

Getting out is usually about finding people of similar interests. And if it is “escaping” reality or the “profound” then how compatiable are you with the person you meet during that period? Shouldn’t one look for someone that capable of understanding and articulating points of view on a given subject?

I mean, “equally yoked” ain’t always about money and sex…. or is it?

AmazonRed™ - Show time...

February 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

Dan, just because a woman does watch RHOA does not mean she does not have CNN or 60 Minutes on her must see channel lineup. It’s very narrow minded to think otherwise.

:lol: I love my trainwreck TV…I’ll watch the Real Housewives in every city! Miami is waiting on my DVR when I get home tonight. On the flip side, 60 Minutes… blah. I’m non into TV news, I like to read it. :)

If some dude wants to dismiss me for such a preference…so be it!

Raqi V

February 23rd, 2011
10:11 am

Dreamslut, me asking you about your moniker of choice is not my attempt to call you a name. I don’t know you from the cashier at the market I have never entered. But slut is such a demeaning word so I was questioning your choice to use it. I could have thought of some much nicer words but if that’s how you want to be tagged so be it.