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Dating expectations ruin everything?

I once heard a guy say that if women could back off their expectations and demands on men, they would see better results.  I questioned if by “expectations” he mean unrealistic ones, but no.  Apparently expectations can become bothersome and unnecessary in dating.

Quick poll of my male friends revealed that women foolishly expect: every date to be a love connection; good relationships to just happen; and every guy that you want should want you back.  (Yeah umm I’ll admit that I’m guilty of all three of these at one time or another oy!)

I found some truth in a lot of what he was saying. I believe men have expectations that cause problems too, though. Obviously we all are guilty of this but how do we stop it?!

Do you think we are let down and disappointed so much because we expect dating to be something that it’s not?

Are our dating expectations ruining our chances at beginning real relationships?

Happy Monday!

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

142 comments Add your comment

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Newrandyt (home for a few hours)

February 21st, 2011
6:53 am

Andy Stanley did a sermon on why relationships fail. He said that this is one of the main ones. The reason is simple…a “desire” says “I wish you to do (fill in the blank) and would think of it as a gift to me”. An “expectation” says “you owe me this’ and it is not a gift but EXPECTED”.

An example might be one might have a desire, hope, etc., that the lady would never wear ugly flannel pjs and always look mighty fine…but it is a desire not an expectation that gives her the opportunity to do something special for you. If the male “expects” the lady to always “service him” on his time table, that puts her in a subservient position of having to rather wanting to. It can’t be a free gift because it is expected.

With a woman, she might desire a nice house, but when that becomes an expectation it puts a terrible burden on him that he has to deliver or get a failing grade..

Expectations, put stress on a relationship. Try hard to “desire” rather than “expect or demand” and it takes resentment out of the equation. You have to teach yourself to think this way, but if you can, men and women will more often rise up than you think.

It is a respect issue.

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SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
8:08 am

Good morning,

RandyT – Sounds like a great take on Expectations versus Desires…

Me

February 21st, 2011
8:26 am

Desire and Expectations often overlap. Sometimes you “desire” something and it’s unattainable. Other “desires” are deal breakers and if those desires aren’t met, then it’s time to move on and part ways. Expectations are pretty much things that we assume are a given or bars that must be met in order for a relationship to move forward. Different strokes for different folks. Some people think that other’s desires and expectations are outlandish and unrealistic while others say to you “Is that all you want? You need to raise the bar and get what you want or think you deserve instead of just settling.” Most often, 100% of the desires and expectations are not met whether it’s yours or your partners. Just give it your best shot and let the chips fall where they may.

PR in GA

February 21st, 2011
8:26 am

I don’t understand this “expectation thing”… All you should expect from a new relationship is… Does he/she complete you…. If, you’re looking for that house, big ring, fancy car after a few dates.. their not the one… I just met the MAN perfect for me and I know “He’s the one” I knew it the minute I laid my eyes on him… maybe being 47, having life experiences, married once before has given me an edge over younger people but the only thing I expect from him is his LOVE… nuf said.
We’re building our own “yellow brick road”. And yes I desire HIM not the possessions he has. Just him. Mind body and soul…

Lane

February 21st, 2011
8:35 am

Dating sets unrealistic expectations and desires. Every date cannot be something out of a The Bachelor set up where the woman is wowed each time nor can every date be a fantasy seduction and connection that leads to a “connection” that brings firewiorks and seeing stars. Dating is more like that because of the newness, the excitement and the infatuation. Many men and women hold onto this and get let down when it wears off. They can’t deal with relationships when reality sets in. Others want ONLY that feeling and won’t settle for anything less. I have a cousin that women just fall all over. He’s successful, tall and gorgeous. But he got married and didn’t like it when the passion decreased, the sponteneity stopped and (of course) the sex dropped off. He divorced after three years and has been having the time of his life the past six years.Now he has women at each corner and it’s all understood that he isn’t out to get married and won’t be tied down. But the women just keep coming and coming… He told me once “Eventually, both men AND women are going to start asking themselves “Why in the world would I ever WANT to get married?”

Kurt GoBang

February 21st, 2011
9:25 am

One thing I’ve noticed lately is people want out of their partner what they should be trying to obtain themselves. When material objects become a part of their desires or expectations, whatever date that person goes on will lead to an inevitable end. How can you expect something if someone that you don’t bring to the table yourself? As a matter of fact, that goes beyond just material items. Before I met my girlfriend, I could not find a woman who could answer the question, “if I can do whatever it is they say a woman is stereotypically supposed to do for a man, why should I be with you? What do you bring to the table?” I say people nowadays stopped looking for someone to complete them and started looking for someone to complete their list of things they want to obtain in life…

SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
9:28 am

What are some of you all’s Desires and Expectations

I EXPECT someone i’m dating to respect me and treat me like they have some sense.

I DESIRE to be with someone who will have no struggles in connecting on the same love language I do and understanding me fully.

kimmie

February 21st, 2011
9:29 am

Morning gang!

I don’t really know what to say on this topic. Let me mull over it awhile. I think a lot of guys don’t want a woman to have any expections of anything at all except the desire to give it up. They want you to just go with the “let it flow, whatever happens happens” approach. That let it flow thing is cool for a few early dates and the very young, but I’m sorry, things should be spelled out so no one is wasting their time. A lot of folks are just too old for that. If you just want a FWB, a friend to kick it with or want to really get to know a person with the intent on a long-term relationsbip down the line, put it on the table.

every guy that you want should want you back.

Wise, a lot of men have this expectation. They think just because they paid you some attention and decided they are interested in a woman, she should be interested in him or something is wrong with her. Sometimes we’re just not into him. And we have that right.

Raqi V

February 21st, 2011
9:44 am

IMO there is nothing wrong with having expectations for dating. True some people do have unrealistic expectations but for others it’s just a matter of having standards.

Being void of expectations is to me the same as opening yourself up to accept anything. Every date will not lead to a love connection and you shouldn’t expect every date to be a love connection. However everybody has their reasons for dating and whatever those reasons there are expectations. Conditions. If there wasn’t how would relationship ever form?

Raqi V

February 21st, 2011
9:47 am

kimmie, I agree. It seems that men these days don’t want women to have expectations because they have no desire to present anything of substance. They want women to give it up holding them to no expectation or follow up.

In the famous words of many “I never promised you anything”. But then they get mad when they put out $$$ for a date and get to go home alone. Heck, the woman never promised you anything either so why you got your drawers in bunch.

And I agree you just get too old for the “no expectations” game after a while. If you are 30, 35, 40 years old and dating you should have expectations of the person or people that you are carving out time in your life for. My time is valuable so dating after a certain age I expected certain things. Heck I already knew enough men that I could just kick it with and sex with no other expectation if that’s what I was looking for I didn’t need to add more “nothings” to my life.

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
9:54 am

Sometimes what some see as expectations are really standards. Lack of standards are a sure path to failure every single time.

Unrealistic expectations (I’m getting a mental picture of Chili here) set you up for disappointment.

PR – I am delighted for you that you seem to have met “The One”. However, I always find it interesting when someone says that they were looking for someone to “complete” them. I’m of the belief that I was a whole person coming into the relationship and I’m looking to be in a relationship with a whole person. Nobody should want to be in a relationship with a piece of a person. (just my outlook)

Celisea

February 21st, 2011
9:56 am

Morning,

Kimmie/Raqi…..I agree with you both whole heartedly. I will tell a guy “no expectations” when initiallt starting up only because I already know I’m not doing or giving anything to somebody I just met or haven’t established some sort of foundation with….nothing doing. If there’s enough interaction and time invested, by all means we’ll establish what we’re doing.

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
9:57 am

Good morning. I don’t get it. Why not have expectations on a date? I don’t expect all dates to turn into a love connection right out the gate, but I do have expectations. Nor do I expect every person I like will like me. After that first date, both will determine if there’s even a need for a second.

Celisea

February 21st, 2011
10:01 am

And yes, now adays you get looked at like you’ve grown two heads if you practice and have standards as a means for living. Most dudes that want something for nothing or wants to eternally “hang out” forever or lack the inability to grow up and get it down to one won’t even garner a head turn from me. I’d much rather you didn’t waste your time by wasting mine.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 21st, 2011
10:03 am

Morning
Expectations are a problem when they’re a product of entitlement.

kimmie

February 21st, 2011
10:05 am

Quick poll of my male friends revealed that women foolishly expect: every date to be a love connection; good relationships to just happen; and every guy that you want should want you back.

Wise – Maybe these are true of the women THEY date. Looks like they need to upgrade their selection process.

Sometimes what some see as expectations are really standards. Lack of standards are a sure path to failure every single time.

SCool – This bears repeating!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 21st, 2011
10:06 am

The expectations I set are for myself. I don’t have any expectations for you.

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
10:10 am

“I didn’t need to add more “nothings” to my life.”

More people should realize this.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 21st, 2011
10:16 am

Morning, peeps…

On topic: Everybody has expectations. Some are just more reasonable than others. I’m pretty sure most of us would expect our S/O not to go f__k around with half the town behind our backs, so there is always some level of expectation in any relationship. The trick is finding someone whose expectations align with what you want to give and vice versa.

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
10:19 am

One of the last guys that I dated before meeting TheDude initially made it seem as if he was looking for a serious relationship. However, it didn’t take me long to realize that he was trying to put me on an FWB program.

I politely declined to participate and informed him of just that.

“Look, guy. I respect where you are in your life and alhough you said you wanted a serious relationship, it is obvious that you have somehow determined that I am not long-term potential because you are trying to treat me like a booty call. And, er, um…that’s not my thing. So, let’s just let this lie where it falls and I’ll keep it moving.”

Like Rock said….I just would have been adding another “nothing” and I would have allowed myself to be another “nothing.”

Celisea

February 21st, 2011
10:32 am

I’ve experienced many times that dudes will present themselves to you “as if” they’re wanting something serious. I’ve also discovered as often as it’s presented this way, you won’t have to wait no time to find most times their actions don’t match their words. I’d much prefer and respect a person saying I’m just adding to my smach numbers…that way I can say no from the jump. That’s why you NEVER act on words alone or prematurely.

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
10:33 am

I was almost a “nothing,” but quickly came to my senses (LOL)!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 21st, 2011
10:43 am

None of you are “nothings” to me. ;-)

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
10:46 am

Always so sweet, DreamsM!

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
11:03 am

If someone is a match for you, your expectations/desires/standards won’t be dealbreakers for them. And vice versa.

So…obviously, having the above mentioned in place are designed to weed out folks who are not for you.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 21st, 2011
11:10 am

everyone must be off for President’s Day.

SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
11:11 am

So folks, did you all do anything special/exciting this weekend? My sis and niece came up and we spent the beautiful Saturday at the Atlanta Zoo. The animals look like they sure could use a pick me up and I almost got kicked by a greedy goat. I’m really living on the edge of life now :lol:

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
11:15 am

@SlimNU ~ I actually wasted precious hours of my life at Crow’s Nest and then Grown Folk. Haven’t hung out on Old National Hwy in decades and I now remember why! UUGGHH!!!

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
11:40 am

Leggs – I went to Crow’s Nest last Friday night for a birthday party. I actually had a good time. However, that was due in part to the very low expectations that I had and my determination that I would be leaving by midnight.

The most interesting thing that happened – the striptease like “special lip syncing performance” from the old lady that looked like a man. She started off in a rather interesting costume for her first song, a slow number. Then, for her second selection, she stripped it off to reveal something that was sheer and barely covering the thong she had on. It was not pretty. It was entertaining as all get out….but…it was not pretty.

Oh…and I’m like…really, Crow’s Nest management, do y’all care so little that you can’t fix that tattered ass awning?

SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
11:59 am

Leggs – Ohhh, well um…sorry bout that. I can’t even recall the last time I partied off Ole Nat’ El

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
12:00 pm

@SexyC ~ I think most places are better on Friday nights now that Saturdays are regulated to b-day parties. There were too many old folk, and really big women. Si-Man was deejaying, but he didn’t do a good job!

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
12:08 pm

I really like Echelon on Fridays, but going on a Saturday to see what it’s like. Saturdays are also regulated to their bday parties.

SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
12:13 pm

I haven’t been to Echelon…The last club I attempted to go to was Esso’s for a friend of a friends bday party. I didn’t make it out of the parking lot because it just looked like too many young folks going in. We ended up ditching that spot and headed off to Shout instead.

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
12:15 pm

Really, the only reason I can see myself out in a club these days is for a birthday party, a GNO (girl’s night out) or if TheDude and I decide to go out dancing.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 21st, 2011
12:20 pm

Yeah I haven’t been to the club in long time either. I did enjoy the weather over the weekend though. About to go out and enjoy it for lunch too. lol

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
12:22 pm

I think I like Echelon mostly due to its poximity to my home (LOL). 2 free drinks and a very nice buffet!

@SexyC ~ other than the 3 reasons you listed, IF you aren’t on the prowl, I see no reason to go to a club (LOL). Oh and while I was out, I went over to see what “Grown Folks” was about. I saw no rhyme or reason to that club. Got there a little after midnight and seemed everyone up in that camp was drunk!

Eric

February 21st, 2011
12:23 pm

I was told about Johnny’s Hidaway and kept putting off going there. I went there last Friday and had the best time I’ve had in a couple of years. It’s a small place and not very modern, but it was a major part atmosphere. I’m just 38, but around midnight, it was just swarming with people. I know it’s an older crowd, but there were some really jawdroppingly beautiful women there. Learned to swing, then taught them how to really dance later. Great spot and I will be there again very soon!

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
12:35 pm

Glad you had a great time, Eric. My Saturday was a BUSTED one. To top matters off, I was with a gf who was a “Debbie Downer” the entire evening.

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
12:39 pm

Well, Leggs, hopefully, you will make that the last time you hang out with her at the club.

For Real

February 21st, 2011
12:47 pm

What up Blog Fam!

On topic: DATING EXPECTATIONS!!! – There are the only two expectations one should have when they are DATING; Respect and having a good time.

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
1:10 pm

Yes indeed, SexyC, yes indeed! I thought I was doing a good thing by inviting her and getting her out of the house. She doesn’t go many places since she doesn’t have a car, but she was definitely not in a good mood while there. I just don’t understand how a woman can be in a club and frown the entire evening. Keep your arse home!

SexyCool

February 21st, 2011
1:13 pm

Leggs, next time, take her to the movies and take her butt home. (lol)

SlimNumeroUno

February 21st, 2011
1:16 pm

Leggs – I would classify that as WIGGETY WACK! :roll:

Leggs

February 21st, 2011
1:25 pm

Raqi V

February 21st, 2011
1:30 pm

Wow not many comments on this one and I thought this was an excellent topic.

Oh well I’ll just talk about my favorite then…RAQI. LOL

I went to the doctors this morning and the little one is doing quite splendidly. His heartbeat is very strong and he is already 13″ long according to the sonogram. He is going to be a tall one.

I don’t have to wear the monitors around the clock since after being off of the meds that stop the contractions I have shown very little to none in the past 3 days. I only have hook-up for a reading every two hours. However I have not been releases from bed rest. But it’s a good feeling knowing the little squid is getting very strong and healthy.

Raqi V

February 21st, 2011
1:31 pm

I hate typos. LOL

kimmie

February 21st, 2011
1:36 pm

Raqi – That’s good news