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Dating: Is jealousy ever ok?

I sometimes like to ask men if they are the jealous type.  It’s just a random question I toss out during the getting to know you stage in dating. Of course, no man ever admits to being jealous.  Truthfully, only time and certain circumstances will reveal how they actually handle being jealous.  It’s a human emotion that we have all experienced at one time or another.

I’ve certainly given my date a raised eyebrow/dirty look when he didn’t correct an aggressive female shamelessly flirting in front of me.  He was clearly amused by the attention. It wasn’t until the shoe was on the other foot did he realize that being with a babe magnet has its moments.

Some people can tolerate more than others but the key is how you handle jealousy: Throw pouting fits in a juvenile way? Turn into a ragey, possessive nutbag that is a total nightmare to be around? I’ve actually seen varying responses and the one thing I realized is that the way you handle it separates the mature from the immature.

Listen, not one of us wants to be with someone that nobody else finds desirable.  We all want to be proud of who we are rocking on our arm, right? It’s perfectly normal that someone else will see what you in your date.   So what do you do when someone you are seeing attracts a lot of attention in public?

How do you handle it when the person you are dating has a slew of admirers that love to make their presence known? What happens when former flings, exes that won’t go away, not-so secret admirers of your date are constantly popping up, what do you do?

Is it ever ok to be a little jealous of the attention they receive?

Happy Friday! What are you planning for this beautiful weekend weather in Atlanta?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

249 comments Add your comment

sane jane

February 18th, 2011
6:45 am

The key is agreeing on mutual boundaries. When a hot young stud expressed interest in my gf (and didn’t know she was taken) and asked a mutual friend to “put in a good word for him”, I took it as the compliment it was.

But when another coworker, a married father of three, gave my gf a pet name (”swaggalicious”, blech) to call around the office, I shut that down in a hurry.

Boundaries…

sane jane

February 18th, 2011
6:46 am

But my girlfriend is hot, digs me fully, and handles pretty much all the attention she gets (wanted or unwanted) with grace & class. I heart that chick.

Y'all Are Kids

February 18th, 2011
7:23 am

Everyone gets jealous to an extent. What’s most important to me is how she handles it. If she flirts back and encourages the advances, she’s headed out the door. I don’t like when women are jealous over me, so I demand the same respect. But a little jealousy in a chick is kinda cute.

nels

February 18th, 2011
8:12 am

There is no quesion in my mind that the jealous man or woman has very serious questions about their own masculinity or feminity, and that the one doing the flirting has to be reassured that they are attractive. Nothing will strangle a relationship quicker than jealousy. Finally, I know the answer.

Relationships are built on trust. Now, at the other end of the spectrum is the one that encourages the other to go out and have a little fun, this one wants the other to come back and tell him[it is usually a him] that he is the best or better than all the rest when it comes to romance and sex. Which reminds me, my PT is coming today.

Me

February 18th, 2011
8:26 am

Jealousy can be very damaging in a relationship, but it can also be a compliment. If someone isn’t jealous of all of you, then it’s a good bet that he’she doesn’t care what you do or where you go. Don’t give me this “Well, he/she trusts me completely” Too much of that and you begin to feel closed in and walking on eggshells. It’s a fine line and only each couple can decide on what those boundries are. What’s one person’s fodder is another person’s poison. Just like sexual appetite, what’s normal for some is actually too boring or too wild for the other. Like everything else, nothing in moderation is bad for you. Many times if a person is insanely jealous all the time, that’s telling you that someone has a guilty conscience.

SlimNumeroUno

February 18th, 2011
8:57 am

Morning,

I think what is important is how the other person receiving the attention handles the situation. It’s a bit flattering to see that other folks admire or find your SO attractive, because that was you at some point. But as long as they aren’t out SEEKING that attention & entertaining it, then we are cool. Everyone has a little jealousy in them because, contrary to what folks may say, we all are a little selfish when it comes to what we consider ‘ours’.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 18th, 2011
9:17 am

I’m not jealous, never have been.

I’m with you Slim on what’s “mine”, but I was also taught that what’s mine is mine and no one can take that from me. So there’s no real reason, IMO, to be jealous.

It’s in part why I try to date accountable women. A woman that can admit her mistakes, faults, and foibles (as well as enumerate mine) is less inclined to be “taken”. If she does cheat, it’s a conscious decision.

As for her being jealous, while I do look.like.I.do, I’m not one to cheat; and if I do decide to go that route, she’ll know in advance. So worrying about the “yet to come” only serves to frustrate her.

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
9:38 am

Good morning. My ex has told me that I handle compliments given to me by others very graciously. And, he told me he liked that others found me pleasing to their eye. Jealousy is counterproductive. Someone will always be pleasing to another. K.I.M and remain mature about it.

@Dan ~ “if I do decide to go that route, she’ll know in advance.” Meaning, that’s the end of your relationship. :wink:

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
9:41 am

Good early morning sunshines.

Jealousy is not a bad thing unless it is overflowing in insecurities. To me that little twinge of jealousy just says I care and he cares.

I have never dated or been in a relationship with a man that has an entourage of admirers so I have never had to deal with that. But I have seen women clearly flirt with a man I was on a date with, my husband included.

I have never made a scene however when the man has been my man, you know an established relationship, I have no problem inviting myself into the conversation. Sometimes it only takes giving that overly flirtatious heifer…I mean woman the evil for her step off.

I have never really had an issue where the man didn’t correct the matter when a woman was getting too feely touchy and aggressive.

But there was one time that the hub and I were at a gathering hosted by a friend and this woman caught him by himself and started up a conversation. She was flirty. I know what flirting looks like but because she never tried to touch arm or anything I just watched play out for those couple of minutes until he walked away. After we were in the car leaving I asked him what they were talking about and he said “she was getting too close for comfort wasn’t she”.

Because he was the one that walked away and because he admitted to her getting too close I didn’t worry about it after then.

It’s okay to care about where your mate spends their time away from you and who they spend it with. But when you start following them and accusing them for no good reason you my dear have crossed over into insecure and crazy.

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
9:42 am

Slim, I agree with your comment very much.

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
9:46 am

Dan, I agree with the part of your comment that says a person not being taken. No one can take my husband however he can choose to go. Just like you cannot make a person stay against their will no matter accommodating and great you are to them, they will only leave by their own volition no matter what the outside person claims to be offering.

There is no one to blame but the strayers themselves.

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
9:49 am

he told me he liked that others found me pleasing to their eye

Leggs, most people feel that way and that’s a good thing. When you find a person that gets crazy because someone else is looking in the direction of the mate that person is not only insecure but possessive also.

What time is it?

February 18th, 2011
9:52 am

I agree with Slim, “It’s flattering to see that other folks admire your SO.” I dated models and actresses, if they were out and about (grocery store, pumping gas), I would always hear some guys trying to pick them up. They would say thanks for the compliment, but I’m in a relationship. I would get a little jealous, but I just remained cool. If you look pretty, people will hit on you. That’s what I did to get them in the first place, so why be upset when others do it. But don’t let no one disrespect your woman.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 18th, 2011
9:54 am

@Raqi

I can’t help that a woman is flirting with me, but I can control my response. Touching me in general is a no-no, I’m reflexively anti-touch.

But if she’s just talking, there shouldn’t be an issue. I’ve been on dates where a server is clearly flirting with me, a woman that “inserts” herself into the conversation is DTM. Let me take care of that. And if I’m not taking care of it in a timely manner (by her account), let’s discuss that after the event.

And it’s the same with my lady(ies). I’ve dated women that dude’s just out and out tried right in front of me. I’m not about to fight over no chick or some perceived slight (or “disrespect”), so I let her handle it and walked away.

More often than not, my reliance on their judgment served me well.

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:00 am

Seems there’s a surfeit supply of jealousy among short men (j/k, kinda sorta).

kellibean

February 18th, 2011
10:04 am

I definitely have an issue with jealousy, but that is because of my insecurities. I am getting better and better with it, but that monster will hit me every once in a while. My BF is a musician and gets a lot of attention. He’s also very flirty…most musicians are. That is a way to get more tips! I’ve come to be ok with him being flirty on stage, but off the stage is another story. He’s still learning what is ok with me. He comes off flirty sometimes on Facebook with other women, but doesn’t realize it until I tell him how it can be percieved and how it makes me feel.

Now, I realize that my jealousy comes out of fear of my man finding someone better. My BF has helped me come a long way with my jealousy be showing me that he’s not going anywhere. He claims to not get jealous at all, but there have been times that he’s brought up male friend’s names to me and I ask him if it bothers him that I talk to them (one is my ex) and he says no, but I think if he keeps bringing it up, then it must bother him a little, right? I told him that I would lose the ex in a heartbeat, but the BF says he will never ask me to do that because he’s secure that nothing will happen! He and I only talk about once every month or two anyways.

Anyway…I could go on and on with this topic, but I’ll sit back and read what all of you have to say for now.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 18th, 2011
10:09 am

Morning, all…

On topic: I was jealous when I was a teenager (and insecure & stupid)… but I’ve long since grown out of that. As for the SO attracting attention, I’d think one would want his/her SO to attract attention. Now, how SO handles that attention is what determines whether or not you keep SO.

As I’ve proudly noted many times on here Mrs. Swiss is one FIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE woman. :-D She definitely attracts attention. It’s actually funny all the looks we get when we’re out — you can typically read the thought process. It generally goes something like:

Dude version: “D@MN! She’s FINE! Wait… Is she WITH him…? WTF? What’s he got that I don’t?”

Chic version: “Oh, this b!tch thinks she’s all that… Hmph… Well okay, I guess she is pretty hot… Wait… Is she WITH him…? Hmmm… I bet he’s got a huge w@ng… Or portfolio… Or both… Lemme go introduce myself…”

:lol:

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:16 am

@kelliebean ~ seems like you’re growing in leaps and bounds! Keep working on it. Remember, communication is everything. Don’t assume and make a mountain out of a molehill. I have a gf that does that everyday for any insignificant occurrence in her dealings with men. She has written the script, produced the movie and usually stars in it ALONE! Don’t be that chick.

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
10:18 am

Dan, I agree 100%. However, though I will never convince you of it, sometimes the flirting is not that obvious to the one that is being flirted with. Yeah it happens. A woman knows what a woman flirting looks like moreso than the man she is flirting with. Just you guys can give insight when another guy is feeding us a bunch of malarkey.
Me, inviting myself into a conversation, just merely saying “Hello”, lets the woman know that I see what she is doing. She gets it and k.i.m.

Have you ever been a situation when one of your buddies thought a woman was flirting with him or coming on to him when everyone else could tell she was not? It was just his ego playing tricks on him. Well it happens also when someone does not even realize the come-on. From my experience when a person does not find the one flirting attractive the come-ons and flirts a usually unnoticed.

I know in all your years of being a man you have managed to escape all of the misadventures of dating and relationships, but those that have not, it happens.

Celisea

February 18th, 2011
10:20 am

Morning,

I think a small dose of jealousy is natural and indicative of how/what you feel about your SO. It’s like that small stir in your belly if an opportunity present for someone to overstep. But there’s a better feeling when your SO checks the situation respectfully and with ease…letting others now how things stand. However as I’ve gotten older I’ll be daggone if someone keeps me in a tizzy with some dang foolishness. If (and trust it’s not likely) I find myself having to check you over some bs, I’m checking out. That’s the one thing about maturation, you already know what you don’t have to tolerate and can always easily dismiss yourself from any potentially bad situation. But yeah, as we’ve said a couple times on here before (some of us), that’s an emotion that you have as with any other kind of emotion. You should know how to keep it in check and you should be dealing with someone that knows the same.

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:21 am

Jealous not so much, respect in all situations and we are fine. I tend to be oblivious when women are flirting with me, my wife has to let me know. When I see guys flirt with her I am kind of proud of it all, but she shuts it down by not even paying attention to it. Be respectful and do have any insecurity issues.

TenderRoni

February 18th, 2011
10:21 am

I think a jealous thought is natural reaction. But the reality is, if you know your worth that jealous thought will fade.

And when encounters happen that other women are looking at your man, I take it as a compliment. And also check how he handles it, if he knows how to respect a sista!

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 18th, 2011
10:22 am

@Kelli

I dig that you may have insecurities and fears of him “finding someone better” but remember this, he chose you. At the end of the day, despite your worries, he chose you. That should provide some comfort.

Celisea

February 18th, 2011
10:23 am

PR – I tend to be oblivious when women are flirting with me, my wife has to let me know.

Men say this ALLLL the time. I cannot see how I know when someone if flirting with me but men can’t. You’re not the only one, I’ve had several dudes say that to me…What? Me? When? She was what? Oh, I hadn’t even noticed. Riiiight :)

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
10:24 am

Dan, I don’t know if you remember me posting about the woman that was flirting with my husband at the gas station. I could see him in the mirror and I could see her parked in front of us. She was an attractive woman I cannot deny that but it didn’t look like he was checking her out more than he should have been. But while she was getting her gas I noticed her starting flirt with him doing the whole hair flip check me out routine.

Maybe she didn’t notice me sitting there at first but I caught her eye and gave her a look that she turned her head finished pumping her gas and got on.

All I am saying is what’s mine is mine and I have not problem subtly letting another woman know “I see you heifer“. LOL

Me

February 18th, 2011
10:24 am

My wife (I asked for a seperation a couple of days ago, so it may be EX in a few months) is a very pretty woman with a very curvacious body. She has always had guys hitting on her, fellow emplyees at her office offering their “services” and she wears very sexy, but business-like clothes to work. She’s outgoing and many a female thought she was being flirtacious with a man, when she just said she was being friendly. I’m not the overly jealous type, although she was a very touchy feely person and it did make me squirm a little, but never let her see it. Some people have no idea that their actions could be perceived as flirty and just scoff at them or call them the “jealous type”. They just keep on doing what they have been doing and pay no attention to the detractors.

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 18th, 2011
10:26 am

“I cannot see how I know when someone if flirting with me but men can’t.”

C — That’s because you ladies are more concerned with what other chics do/say/wear/think than we are. We’re too busy checking out that bubble booty in our peripheral vision… :lol:

Me

February 18th, 2011
10:34 am

However, she is very jealous and used to check my Facebook page and asks me :How do you know her?”, “Did you ever date her?”, so I KNOW she’s got it in her. She always lets me know when she thinks I am being to chummy at parties, talking to _______, etc. BUT, the thing is that if I were to say something about her curtailing her flitting around like a social butterfly (she has a great pair and always wears shirts that show the “puppies” off), that would be curtains for the evening for me and her. No one’s gonna tell her how to act and if they think that, they can drop off a pier. Talk about a double edged sword.

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:34 am

@Raqi V ~ didn’t you also encounter someone flirting and they “flipped their hair” and giggled?

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:35 am

@Me ~ sorry to hear about you asking for a separation, but at least you let her know you will no longer be her doormat. However, I swear it sounds like she has a maintenance man!

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:38 am

Celisea, because in my mind I have my women and I am really not paying attention to what other women are doing. If I see one that is nice looking or has a nice shape I will take a look but then keep on trucking. If you don’t know me I seem very unapproachable, it;s just my natural demeanor. So if a woman is flirting with me that would mean that I am actually paying attention to her and in reality I rarely am paying attention or giving a conversation to any woman but my wife. It’s funny when we are out shopping or in public if there is a woman to be spoken to my wife does the talking if it’s a man I do the talking. LOL

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:41 am

Me, there is no respect in your relationship. You don’t respect her and she may not respect you. She flirts (maybe) and you kiss other women. Glad you have finally decided to call it quits no need to waste each others time

kellibean

February 18th, 2011
10:42 am

Anytime the jealousy monster kicks in, I have to remind myself that in the end, he comes home to me. Even he says that I’ve come a long way in the past year. He understands that my jealousy comes from insecurities that I’ve struggled with for most of my life. I’ve been going to therapy for the past several months to overcome these issues and I’m getting better and better every day. His main problem is not quite knowing the boundary, but he’s starting to learn. Just yesterday, I told him that I was bothered by a Facebook exchange and he said, “do you really think that she thinks I’m hitting on her?” and I said that it can be perceived as that. Most of the time, he’s being totally innocent, but things he says and does can be perceived wrong by other people. I’m teaching him that he needs to think before he posts on other women’s Facebook pages. He is definitely learning! I was proud of myself for not flying off the handle, like I would have done 6 months ago. I was able to tell him how I felt about it and “wake” him up. I know that he loves me and is with ME. We are just both still adjusting to each other…

Me

February 18th, 2011
10:43 am

No problem, Leggs. I guess it was inevitable. Trust me, she would be one of the women that if Raq were to give her the “look”, she would just smile and keep right on doing what she was doing. It would be like a dare to her. I haven’t seen any BLATANT clues that she has another man, but she could sure have one if she even let it out for a second. Maybe she just likes all lf the attention that she gets from “the puppies” and leaves it at that.

Maybe the moon will fall out of the sky………..lol

kellibean

February 18th, 2011
10:45 am

Also…my BF knows that my previous longterm BF would check out women obviously in front of me and never made me feel secure in our relationship. It hurt my feelings so bad back then because he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I understand that men check out other women, but don’t make it so darn obvious!!! I check out other men, but none of the men I’ve been with have caught me because I don’t swing my head around and watch them walk by. I glance, then move on…

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 18th, 2011
10:46 am

I can’t even count the number of arguments I’ve been in because “you knew what that chick was doing”. lol I’m oblivious, but women always can tell. Although, sometimes, I think they’re just over reacting. This topic always makes me think of one SO who HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATED this one shirt I used to like wearing. A couple times chicks would compliment me on the shirt…only made her hate it more. At some point that shirt came up missing. It’s cool though ’cause at some point she was missing from my life too. lol

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
10:48 am

Leggs, same time same woman.

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:49 am

@kellibean ~ your ex-bf did that because he saw you as a weak wounded soul. He played you to see just what he could get away with before you finally snapped. Thank goodness you didn’t wind up on the show SNAPPED!

Leggs

February 18th, 2011
10:49 am

@Raqi V ~ I thought so.

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
10:51 am

Celisea, maybe I am a bit naive but I do think that when a man does not find a woman attractive he pays no attention to her flirting. Maybe it’s just what they want us to believe.

Just like when we don’t find a man attractive his flirting with us is borderline irritating. LOL

BlackMagicWoman

February 18th, 2011
10:51 am

Even if I am jealous…I never show it. I will observe…if it is my guy doing the flirting then I kindly remind him that he is dating a spiteful chick and 2 can play that game. Although I would not be obvious and blatant so you’d know I’m gaming you. Subtle is the best approach. Now if it’s another chick flirting….I will sit back and watch to see if you douse the fire or add fuel. I am not territorial liek some insecure chick. If he decides that he wants her…by all means she has done me a favor by taking the loser off my hands. If he checks her…then it’s puddy on a platter later! :lol:

kellibean

February 18th, 2011
10:52 am

@Leggs…no joke!!!!! Thank God he’s an ex! He never could get it through his thick skull that it was not ok to do that. I still can’t believe I stuck around for 3 years with him. I was young and dumb and even more insecure than I am now. Trust me…I snapped every single time he did that and he still didn’t get it! He was just an oblivious man who didn’t know how to treat the good woman he had. Well…now, I’m someone elses good woman!!!

Raqi V

February 18th, 2011
10:53 am

DreamsMat, woman know when another woman is flirting. We know because we recognize our own tactics when we see it.

No different than one man knowing when another man is feeding a woman a load of BS. Same difference.

SexyCool

February 18th, 2011
10:54 am

Me – I sincerely wish you all the best and all the happiness that you’ve missed in your situation.

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:55 am

Ohhh Evil men always up to know good. (Sarcasm)

If I notice a woman is flirting with me, guess what I do? I flirt real hard with my wife and do a boisterous PDA. What if I’m alone? I’m never alone only time I am really without her is when I am out doing guy stuff, hunting, fishing, snowmobiling.

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:56 am

Another reason men do not pay attention to it is because we already think that every woman wants us, some of them are just better at hiding it than others. LOL

Purple Rain

February 18th, 2011
10:57 am

Now if you are trying to make your SO jealous then you just need a swift kick out of the relationship

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 18th, 2011
10:57 am

“If he checks her…then it’s puddy on a platter later!”

BMW — If we ever have a date in another life, I’m gonna pay a hot chic run up on me while we’re out so I can shoot her down & get in your panties…. :lol:

SexyCool

February 18th, 2011
10:57 am

Yeah…a *little* jealousy can be healthy…a *little too much* not.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 18th, 2011
10:57 am

@Ladies

Unless you’ve got a guy that’s a proven cheat, most of the times, we don’t notice the chick hitting on us like that.

I notice her interest (and the accompanying ego-boost), but I’m not going beyond that.

At a certain point you really have to realize that I chose you. Despite what you may see, hear, or imagine, at the end of the day, I chose you. Beyond that, I don’t really feel like the other stuff matters.