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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Sex as a political weapon?

Did you hear about the proposed sex strike by the spouses of Belgian politicians? Apparently, desperate times calls for sex moratorium measures: “Belgian politicians have failed for eight months to form a government, and one senator has a unique solution: Have spouses withhold sex until a deal is struck.”

Although this suggestion was somewhat facetious, it’s not the first time this tactic has surfaced in political stalemate situations. I think it’s rather telling that sexual leverage has its place in political history and now in modern day times.

Do you think that how much we value sex has changed?

I know using sex as a weapon in a marriage brings huge implications and resentment, yet I hear about it happening all the time. Do you think it’s a viable solution to a couple’s problems, though?

I’ve heard men say that single women have “power” and can use sexual leverage in dating but what kind of impact does that really have on dating relationships? How does that help us build trust and get us closer to long lasting relationships? I mean, that is, after all, the goal of a lot of single men and women.  Does sex really have to be a means to an end?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

352 comments Add your comment

BigJakeIce

February 16th, 2011
6:47 am

“Does sex really have to be a means to an end?” No, it doesn’t, but it very often is, with either gender involved in that process. Look at the ancient Greek wives who withheld sex until their men settled their war and came home. And how many guys have spent the night on the couch, in the dog house or any other similar arrangement? Was it because of something they did? Likely, but it is still part of that sex negotiation dynamic that does create resentment in a relationship. It is nearly impossible to separate the emotional from the physical – kudos to the “friends with benefits” partners – how’s that actually working for you? Despite the domination by males in power in the world, I think we all know who primarily controls the bedroom activity.

LaKeshia

February 16th, 2011
6:58 am

Get real – there is more than one fish in the sea -

Sid

February 16th, 2011
6:59 am

didn’t make 1st post but I’m the 1st to say “Lysistrata”! (so the prev one[s] don’t count!)

Diva, I’m a 40 yr old married guy but I always enjoy your column! have you ever thought about writing for TheFrisky? you’re right up their alley!

Y'all Are Kids

February 16th, 2011
7:24 am

When I was married, my wife tried that. Thankfully my girlfriend was sympathetic. Ladies, withhold sex at your own risk!

Just Slim

February 16th, 2011
7:58 am

Sex smex….who cares?….thats what self-induce pleasure is for.

DemsDoIt

February 16th, 2011
8:04 am

This trick has been in play in the USA for years. Online adds by liberal groups advocate “girls don’t say yes to guys who vote Republican”. Who has the power there? Are men really so weak in their convictions that sex would cause them to go against their own beliefs? Are women so pathetic that they would stoop to these levels? Sadly the evidence that the answer to both questions is “yes” is online for all to see.

dd

February 16th, 2011
8:05 am

folks who play with fire, often get burned. ask the 50% of marriages who’ve failed…..

dd

February 16th, 2011
8:07 am

and sadly, many women will react to that with “sex isn’t a reason for a relationship to fail”……. couldn’t be more wrong, sorry. If you react that way, you have no idea what is really important to most males.

Ricco

February 16th, 2011
8:16 am

When things are good in a marraige, sex is about 40% of it. When things are bad in a marraige, it’s 90% of the problem.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 16th, 2011
8:22 am

LOL In the waning months of my marriage, in the heat of an argument, my ex said something like, “…or I will make you pay…” I just laughed and said, “what are you going to do, cut me off…oh wait, you are already using that one, what else can you take away?” She really got mad becasue she realized she had no more cards to play. Can’t take away what has already gone.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 16th, 2011
8:26 am

After I came to ATL, on one job I was working with possibly the prettiest soccer mom OTP. She had called me but got interrupted by another call. She called back a few minutes later and apologized for “cutting me off”. I told her there were many before her and I was used to being “cut off”. Took her a moment to recognize the double meaning. (She was awesome, wonder where she is now…Facebook, help me out here).

Racy

February 16th, 2011
8:27 am

The problem being is that when men date women, it’s sex all the time and most any where. It’s naughty, it’s passionate, it’s imaginative, it’s spontaneous. Then comes the wedding ring and the ceremony. What happens to all of that once the champagne stops flowing? Do women use sex as a trap to get a man (and vice versa, but not so much with the men)? Men begin to think “This woman is smart, pretty, fun to be around and she seems like she likes sex…a LOT. I could spend the rest of my life like this!” Then that libido is replaced by “I had a rough day at work”, “I am so tired”, “I can’t believe this happened today.”, “That’s too nasty/dirty” and the all too familiar “I just don’t think about sex like I used to.” WTH?? Where were all of these excuses when we dated for a year and a half? You were almost “Super Porno Woman” while we dated.

THAT’S why women have the power and use it accordingly. That’s also why 57% of men and 49% of women have an affair at some point in a marraige. Bury your head in the sand, but a good sexual relationship IS important. I just wonder where that mindset goes after the wedding.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 16th, 2011
8:31 am

Rodney Dangerfield addressed this one time. He said that he got “no respect from his wife. He said that she had decided to cut him down to once a month…but it could have been worse. He knew seven guys she cut off completely”.

winkasdad29

February 16th, 2011
8:32 am

I’m almost 50, been married twice (the 1st one lasted almost 25 years). Withholding sex to get what you want can and eventually does kill a relationship. It’s about control and manipulation. Instead of addressing the problem together, this type of action makes people angry – especially men. We’re wired to want sex because we’re the hunters.

People, address your relationship issues honestly and in a timely manner. If you don’t then your relationship is doomed to fail – and you have to live with the pain. If you know YOU are the problem, look in the mirror and fix it – before you bring that baggage into another relationship.

Duped

February 16th, 2011
8:37 am

I have been married for 8 years and suddenlyshe quit the the kissing, the holding hands, the snuggling and the sexual enthusiasm after a few years. The finally she left to go on ANOTHER trip with her girlfriends, so I went out on my own. I ran into a group of people with a beautiful woman that was fun, she WANTED to hold my hand, she WANTED to kiss me on the dance floor, we danced and laughed most of the night, she told me that I was the best present of her birthday (she was celebrating it with some friends). She gave me her card and told me to call her if I ever wanted to hang out. But being married (and feeling a little guilty) I threw the card out of my window on the way home, so I wouldn’t be tempted or so it wouldn’t be found. I’m still married, but I have thought about her and that feeling of being wanted again ever since. Men or women, if you withhold, there are plenty from both genders that will pick up the slack whether you are married or not.

winkasdad29

February 16th, 2011
8:40 am

Racy,

You can have a good sexual relationship after the wedding. It’s all about communication and love. Love changes over time. Having kids, career, money, these are all pleasures and stressors in a marriage or committed relationship. “Super Porno Woman” becomes Mom or Career Woman, and her plate becomes fuller, like yours does.

I’d tell Honey or Wifey that sometimes I want her to bring out “Super Porno Woman” from time to time. Of course, her husband or man would need to help create the setting to get the desired result.

Y'all Are Kids

February 16th, 2011
8:43 am

Scientists have discovered a substance that lowers a woman’s sex drive by 80%.

It’s called wedding cake.

Racy

February 16th, 2011
8:52 am

“Love” is overrated, oversold and for women the emotion is duplicated by eating mass quantities chocolate.

winkasdad29

February 16th, 2011
8:53 am

Hey Duped,

And that’s one reason I’m divorced – and married again. I got tired of being romantically and emotionally neglected. My second wife, is (to borrow a quote from a British soccer announcer) “an absolute firecracker”!

IN DENIAL

February 16th, 2011
8:58 am

Withholding sex from your husband will doom your marriage. I didn’t say may for a reason. It’s really a no win situation for a man. You lose if you cave into the manipulation. You lose if you don’t cave in because then she feels you really don’t desire her. The latter will cause more problems for you then the first.

mark

February 16th, 2011
9:06 am

women in atlanta cannot use sex as a weapon because its like 20women to every one man.. so brothas if your lady wants to hold on to the panties go and get some more..trust me its so easy here!

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 16th, 2011
9:10 am

@ Duped and Winks… Both excellent posts and as your British announcer would say, “spot on”. Been ther done that, got the t-shirts to both posts.

Racy

February 16th, 2011
9:13 am

winkasdad, that sounds good and all, BUT she has the same job as she did when we dated (as do I) and we have no children. Next excuse? I figured she either has met someone, found someone she WANTED to meet or I’m not doing it for her any more. If that is the case, let’s just cut lines and move on with our lives.

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
9:14 am

Good morning.

Have spouses withhold sex until a deal is struck. Unless there are cameras in their bedrooms, cheating will occur. Haa haa haaa, cheating with your spouse, what a twist!

Anyway, I think withholding sex in a marriage is a very bad idea. I also feel those women who no longer continue to do what they did while dating are harming their marriage and inadvertently pushing their partner into a possible affair.

Chelle

February 16th, 2011
9:18 am

Can’t believe folks still trying to play the ‘COOCHIE GAME’….SMH

notme

February 16th, 2011
9:18 am

I feel for the men because I know many women that use just this tactic to get what they want. No wonder men are viewed as commitment-phobes. I make sure that my man (we will never get married) has never any reason to go elsewhere. He also makes sure I have no need to look elsewhere, either. He is good to me, does things for me and I go above and beyod to do the same. It doesn’t work like that in every case. If you put your relationship on auto-pilot, then there will be a new stewardess/steward on the plane before long.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 16th, 2011
9:18 am

I can’t speak for all marriages, but it is much more in my expereince than just, “I’m tired”, “I’ve had a tough day”, “I’ve got a headache”. In my marriage and I suspect in many/most, women realize and consciously or subconsciously begin to use it as a control tool, as a weapon. Sex IS a powerful weapon because it has such control over men, but women who use that to control men often find out that one day the man says to her, “I have a headache”, “I had a rough day”, “I’m tired and want to go to sleep”.

It is going to sound mean, I know, but one of the bigger milestones in my marriage was when I reached the point of just not caring anymore. At that point her (fill in the anatomical part) no longer had control of me. As Rhett said, “frankly my dear, I don’t give a dayum”. I no longer cared. Independence Day.

Heart&Soul

February 16th, 2011
9:20 am

Good Morning All!

Winkasdad29..your 8:40a post I totally agree with as one person in a marriage can’t make it successful because it is a partnership that involves the both of you. You can’t expect for anyone to transform into something when you’re not doing your part to create the atmosphere or alleviate matters that may be causing tension within the union. Marriage is a beautiful thing when there is communication which plays an important role in any kind of relationship.

On Topic: Do you think it’s a viable solution to a couple’s problems, though? No, if there are issues that haven’t been addressed then it’s one of those going through the motion sessions, and when it’s over the problems still exist. Although, s.e.x is an important factor in a relationship…it isn’t the cure all solution.

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
9:54 am

For those who consider having affair, Jesus said “everyone that keeps on looking at a woman so as to have a passion for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart (Ex. 20:14; Matthew 5:27-28)

TenderRoni

February 16th, 2011
9:58 am

I’m not married so I really can’t respond, but I have been in a committed relationship and I have yet had to use withholding as a method control. Because you can’t control another person, and you can’t change a man. Its about communication.

It sounds like a lot of uncommunicated feelings, bitterness and resentment in these relationships.

Sometimes you have to be the change, you want to see!

notme

February 16th, 2011
10:08 am

It’s a double edged sword, really. Men and women shouldn’t cheat. It’s wrong and dishonest and you probably won’t ever get the trust back if you get caught. Then again, this is reality. Most men and a lot of women have a strong drive for sexual relations. It makes them feel connected, desired, wanted, needed. If you think that either gender is just going to get by with just “putting in your time (it’s SO obvious when you do that)” and go with the “you should stay with me no matter what I do (or don’t do), say or look like”, YOU mu friend are living in a fantasy world and will be dealt a blow from the reality stick somewhere down the road. You can either bury your head in the sand or pay attention and do something about it. I do the latter.

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:09 am

Hey TenderRoni, how you be?

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 16th, 2011
10:11 am

Do you think that how much we value sex has changed?
NO. Things are as they have always been since the beginning of time.

I’ve heard men say that single women have “power” and can use sexual leverage in dating but what kind of impact does that really have on dating relationships?
This happens continually in our lives, even when we don’t realize it. Would guys go out and buy the hottest car if no woman would look? Shoot if you all unanimously decided to only date guys with college degrees, bald heads, gator shoes, and top hats, then college enrollment would soar, barber shops would see more business than ever before, alligators would be near extinction, and top hats would come back in style. Why is that? Answer: The Coochie.

Sadly the evidence that the answer to both questions is “yes” is online for all to see.

Rachel

February 16th, 2011
10:13 am

“A relationship is like a flower garden. It needs daily attention, caring nurturing and different plants need different things to grow. If you neglect it, it will die and you will have only yourself to blame. Just because you watered it two weeks ago means very little today.” -Dr. Anna Kaye

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 16th, 2011
10:16 am

:lol: @ Randy… Ah, I miss Rodney Dangerfield… classic…

TenderRoni

February 16th, 2011
10:17 am

Hi ya Ms. Leggs. I’m great. How YOU doin?

i'm swiss™ ("FREE ME.LO")

February 16th, 2011
10:22 am

On topic: Spouse sex strike as political pressure would never work in this country… Now sex strikes by interns, congressional pages, gay meth dealers & random dudes in airport bathrooms might have some impact…

Y'all Are Kids

February 16th, 2011
10:23 am

Leggs, did Jesus say that, or Matthew?

Wasn’t it President Clinton that said, “I did not have sex with that woman?”
Do you think Hillary may have been holding out on him?

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:23 am

I’m cool, just like the other side of the pillow (lol). I’m also in a silly mood this morning.

FreeMe

February 16th, 2011
10:25 am

DreamsMaterialize, you are so right. Men work out, take care of themselves, by nice clothes, etc. to look attractive, feel confident and hopefully attract the opposite sex. Women, do the same, wear sexy clothes and look desireable for the men. It’s been that way since the dawn of time. I find it humorous that some people try and lay down this philosophical meaning of “deeper” and “more profound” when describing this. Eventually, it does, but initially, it’s the physical attraction. The problem is that once the relationship becomes “secure” some people stop the dating attitude, let themselves go and don’t try and stay attractive emotionally or physically. Simply put, sex and sexual relations, being desireable, being wanted have stood the test of time. It never changes and it won’t change, just because you think it’s “shallow”.

TenderRoni

February 16th, 2011
10:26 am

@Leggs, thats good to hear, better than yesterday.

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:27 am

@Y’all ~ hmmmm, interesting…the book I took this from says Jesus said it and Matthew said it.

Y'all Are Kids

February 16th, 2011
10:29 am

Leggs,
Well, it better not be true, or at least have exceptions for eating lunch in the food court in the mall…Cause I’m looking until I get caught!

Simple Man!!!!

February 16th, 2011
10:30 am

OK…Moral of todays story…

COOCHIE IS THE KING!!!! and Any attemp to withhold the coochie will result in armed revolt!!! ( or hooking up with that hot Pakastani chick that works at Your Dekalb Farmers Market!!!)

Da_Man!

February 16th, 2011
10:30 am

I was about to write something dirty but ol’ Leggs invited Jesus to the party!!!

Y'all Are Kids

February 16th, 2011
10:31 am

SM, Wouldn’t that be queen?

And no one has heard the expression, “If Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” Whattaya think that means?

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:34 am

Yes, TenderRoni ~ perhaps I’m experiencing severe mood swings. You know I’m menopausal so there’s no telling. Overall, I’m usually very chipper. :lol: :lol:

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:37 am

@Da_Man ~ I laughed so hard I snorted just as my boss was walking out his office.

Leggs

February 16th, 2011
10:38 am

I take offense to “ol’ Leggs” while I’m stating I’m menopausal (LOLOLOLO)!!

Da_Man!

February 16th, 2011
10:40 am

Ladies witholding sex only increase cheating, divorce, & “self-love” … an extra 5 mins in the shower does wonders!