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Relationship reality: Are you too set in your ways?

One of the challenges of being single at a certain age *cough* is when your dating relationship goes through the compromise phase.  A phase that a lot of people find really difficult to navigate because they haven’t had to do it that much as a single person.

I’ve learned that in the early stages of dating, the more you learn to compromise, the more the person sees that living with you won’t be a total wrestling match.  We all are set in our ways but how do you know when it’s a problem for you in dating?

Are you a stickler for dating on certain days, getting calls at a certain hour?  Even little things like this can show a potential hat you are inflexible; an we all know how fun flexible people can be, right?! (awful pun intended, sorry)

Have you ever met and dated someone who was so set in their ways that it made you lose interest? How did you handle it? Did you let them know that they were too set in their ways?

For the right person, how much do you think you can change your ways to please your partner?

Do you think you are set in your ways too much? Have you ever been told as much?

By Wise Diva, Misadventure in Atlanta Dating Blog

244 comments Add your comment

PrincessNik

February 15th, 2011
7:19 am

{{yawn}} Good Morning……

Do you think you are set in your ways too much? Have you ever been told as much?

I think i’m very set in my ways, but it has really just been my daughter and myself for the past 8 years. And I can mold her to do things the way I like them done because she is a child, but another adult who is set in their ways also is a little bit of a different story.

For the right person, how much do you think you can change your ways to please your partner?
With my SO, I am much more willing to “compromise” I won’t say change my ways to please him, but realize that everything doesn’t have to be just so, and there are some things I’m more passionate about and tend to be less compromising about, and some things I realize its just not that serious. It’s about give and take. We are both willing to try to compromise on most issues and that makes the difference for me.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 15th, 2011
8:09 am

Pick.your.battles.

Socks, toilet seat, bills paid on time – pick one.

Not everything has a critical urgency requiring minute detailing.

PrincessNik

February 15th, 2011
8:15 am

Dan

Exactly!

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
8:19 am

Morning PN – How are you doing this early morn?

I don’t think i’m too set in my ways at the point of where I would be deemed difficult to deal with. However, current SO has this issue of shutting down and shutting me out when things arise. It bothers the shizzle out of me to be honest. I suppose he is used to just dealing with things on his own but what i’ve been trying to convey to him is that he must communicate with me. I’m not here solely when times are good…anyone can do that. He needs to realize that I want to be there when the times aren’t going so well. True I may not be able to change the outcome or situation but I am here, if even it’s just for him to vent about it. How can I ‘ride’ for/with you, if when it’s time to hop on & buckle down, yo azz takes off w/o me?

PrincessNik

February 15th, 2011
8:23 am

How can I ‘ride’ for/with you, if when it’s time to hop on & buckle down, yo azz takes off w/o me?
:lol:

Morning Slim, just trying to make it through today and tomorrow, then we are off Thurs & Friday!!

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 15th, 2011
8:24 am

@Slim

It may be a communication style issue at this point.

A lot of us (on here) talk about our need to try and sort/solve the probelm prior to discussing it with an SO. He may (and I don’t know, jussaying) not be shutting you “out”, so much as drawing into himself for an answer.

Some guys just aren’t built to “share”.

Hell, my girl finds out half of what’s going on well after it’s done.

Fion

February 15th, 2011
8:30 am

“Have you ever met and dated someone who was so set in their ways that it made you lose interest?”

Listen, I told that woman, until I get a full explanation of why she had Duct tape and Rope in her trunk we could no longer go out!
“Total deal breaker”

Simple Man!!!!

February 15th, 2011
8:36 am

Morning Peeps!!!!

On topic…..I have been told that I am so flexible that I sometimes can’t be taken seriously. Now I don’t expect everyone to be as willing or as able to change direction as I am, but when I come across someone that has a “gaggle” of rule right off the bat, I tend to back off at a speed relative to their commitment to those given rules….

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
8:37 am

Dan – Yeah, I recall you all saying that. He did tell me he was just looking for some answers right now but still wouldn’t tell me the hellz was going on. :roll:

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 15th, 2011
8:45 am

@Slim

Explain what you would have him do, please.

On topic:

People that have rules that they expect another person to conform to are just not bright. While we may each have our preferences, asking someone that wants to share a life with you to conform to each and every one of those preferences, strikes me as controlling.

Women with rules often threw me off as too stoic to live life fully.

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
8:49 am

Dan – Tell me what is going on…a tidbit, a morsel, a loose synopsis…Not go into panic room status not telling me anything when CLEARLY something is wrong.

Simple Man!!!!

February 15th, 2011
8:53 am

Just Slim, Doesn’t one run the risk of coming across as a bit “whinny” if he comes to you and complains and nags about everything that is going on in his life????

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
8:59 am

Simple – No it doesn’t because i am ASKING what the deal is…it’s not like every time he drops his keys on the ground he would run back to tell me. But when you are CLEARLY bothered, upset, worried etc so much so that it is affecting how you act then I want to know. Even if you don’t care to get into all the nooks and crannies of the details, let me in so I can try to be there for you as best I can.

Fion

February 15th, 2011
9:09 am

@Slim
Don’t let the situation be a point of contention between you, but rather you be the place of comfort.
for him. The place where he can retreat from the dilemma and not think about it.
The place where he can recharge for his Fight.
Let him invite you in.

Reality

February 15th, 2011
9:16 am

When arguing with women, make sure it’s a big enough subject that it actually means something, but small enough so you can win it. Three places you will never win a disagreement, the IRS, the card table in a casino and with your wife. If you DO decide to argue with your wife….if you’re wrong, she will never let you forget it. If you’re right, she will make you pay for it for weeks.

Im Hip

February 15th, 2011
9:20 am

I am very set in my ways, but so is my wife. I’ve learned that the best thing to do is give in to her. It’s just not worth the constant jabs and discontent. You are used to your way of doing things, but she is convinced that HER way is the RIGHT way. All men want is peace and harmony. Once I work through a disagreement, it’s gone, lost, forgotten. My wife will stew for hours, even days, at how I could ever THINK such a thing as I did or DO things the way I did. If a man takes the same stratagy as a woman, he is put on Oprah and 90,000 women verbally beat him for the entire hour.

Being single was so much easier, fun and peaceful…..

Truth

February 15th, 2011
9:22 am

I’m convinced that the only reason men and women should marry is to have kids. Other then that, just say no.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

February 15th, 2011
9:23 am

Morning All!!

Dan – “pick. your. battles.”…..my thoughts exactly.

To a certain degree I am set in my ways. I am 30+ years in the making so why wouldnt I be? But I am not so set that I am not willing to change at all. Not everything, but some things

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
9:26 am

Fion – You can’t force ‘a place of comfort’ on someone. That is the frustration…but anyway…it is what it is…

Ricco

February 15th, 2011
9:29 am

Men and women are just different beings and have different priority sets. They view men as shallow, insensitive and one track minded. Men view women as hyper emotional, super sensitive and “no one really knows what the hell they are thinking”. Dating is easy. We are both on our best behavior, small things don’t bother either one and we look forward to seeing them again. Wrap this period of time up in velvet, because this is as good as it’s going to get. All of that BS about marraige makes it “deeper”, “more profound” and “give to one another unconditionally” is just a trap made by society so that marraige won’t cease to exist. It’s not true, never was true and never will be true.

Fion

February 15th, 2011
9:30 am

@Slim
Now, I’m not trying to pry, but this issue is exterior to your relationship with him?
The problem is not with ya’ll, but with something outside ya’lls relationship that has his attention?

Fion

February 15th, 2011
9:36 am

@Ricco

Yo! can you open the curtain and let some Sunlight in!

Just Slim

February 15th, 2011
9:39 am

Fion – Yup…nothing to do with me

Fion

February 15th, 2011
9:43 am

@Slim
ok. Cool. Stay with it. analogy:

Prepare the meal, whether he eats it or not. Keep the faith!

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
9:55 am

Good morning.

I haven’t read any comments yet, but I feel this topic is speaking to me. I hung up on a guy on Sunday, immediately deleted his number, somewhat chided another one last night, and wondered am I being difficult. I didn’t think so until last night when I realized my tolerance level is basically at ZERO. I doubt that I’ll hear back from the one I chided last night and I’m good with that.

For all you inquiring minds, the one I chided sent me a Happy Valentine’s Day text around 9:45. I have never received a phone call from this man since we exchanged numbers a month ago. Not even a text. For him to text an empty Valentine’s Day wish simply irked me. We had a few words and a few dances at the party, but that was it. I saw no need for him to include me on the string of numbers he sent that text to. No doubt it wasn’t an exclusive wish for my eyes only. It was then that I said to myself I may be leaning more and more toward the “insensitive” side of the fence.

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:01 am

And, in certain areas, I am set in my ways.

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:14 am

Simple Man!!!!

February 15th, 2011
10:23 am

Wow Leggs…… Could it have been that he was just being nice???? Kinda harsh to blast him for that.

BlackMagicWoman

February 15th, 2011
10:26 am

I swear I am so set in my ways you would think I was an old lady. I am all for spontaneity..btu don’t call me at the last minute trying to make plans with me. I am NOT your last minute option. So even if I am doing nothing on a Friday night but watching Lifetime…I will not let a guy think he can start or continue with that behavior. Also….after working, then going to the gym, I am not trying to do anything but go home, shower, eat and relax before the next work day. Weekends are best for me. That way….our time togethr will not have to be rushed and shortened. A few years ago I might have been willing to bend. But now….pul-leaze! :roll: Now I must REALLY like you if I bend, If you say let’s go have drinks right after work, ok. But if I get off at 5 and you don’t get off until 7…chances are I am going to go home in get comfy and I will not be coming back out. I am not sure if compromise is in my vocabulary! Also I am neat freak. If you come to my crib and you don’t use a coaster, or make mess…HOUSTON we have a problem. If you found my toilet seat down when you came….put it back the way you found it. And you had better had good aim or use the Clorox wipes beside the toilet to clean after yourself. I don’t date pigs!

Oh no….I’m a Grumpy Young Lady! :lol: Now that should be a movie! :lol:

“Listen, I told that woman, until I get a full explanation of why she had Duct tape and Rope in her trunk we could no longer go out!”

FION…..let me explain baby…it’s not what you think. Those are for my act. Care to participate? :evil: :lol:

BlackMagicWoman

February 15th, 2011
10:28 am

Pardon my typos….I’m still asleep at work. I’m mad at how it was almost 60 here yesterday and noe it’s back int he friggin’ 20’s! Damn you NYC! :lol:

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:31 am

@SimpleM ~ I didn’t blast him. People take texting to the extreme. I have never spoken with you, therefore, I see no need for you to send me a Happy V-Day wish.

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:35 am

I budge on something and other things I don’t. I would like to think I am in balance. There are probably only a handful of things I am set on, my wife is set on a truck load of things…but we are in balance. LOL

Guess who is coming home :) my best friend in the whole wide world! I could not be happier!

Fion

February 15th, 2011
10:36 am

@BWM
How many cats do you have? Just asking.

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:37 am

Leggs, he was probably just being nice and not trying to hookup. I think if you tell us some of the good stories rather than the ones of you just giving some new guy the business you would be in balance also. Don’t be your own worst enemy.

BlackMagicWoman

February 15th, 2011
10:39 am

Wow…I just read this and I just had to post it. It kind of goes with this topic.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-mcmillan/why-youre-not-married_b_822088.html

BlackMagicWoman

February 15th, 2011
10:41 am

FION…I don’t have cats. I’m allergic to a lot of animals and I have asthma. I would love a pet snake…but I am afraid of anything of the rodent spectrum! So it would starve to death!

Raqi V

February 15th, 2011
10:42 am

Yes I do have some ways that are set like concrete. I see areas that I can and need to be a little more malleable and relaxed. Relationships void of compromise and sacrifice are usually short lived or unsatisfied in many areas.

However there are some areas that because I will not bend have helped be dodge several bad situations.

When it comes to the little stuff like everyday living habits, giving them up or holding on to them is decided based on how much you really want to be with that person. Sometimes it is a small price to pay. Some people are worth giving up a 10 year habit for and some are not. We just can’t expect our mates or potentials to change overnight. It’s all a process and we have to be forgiving of each others’ faults.

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:43 am

Thanks PR on “own worst enemy,” but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Not one time did I think he was trying to “hook up”

It’s somewhat comical that the women I spoke w/also thought it weird him sending that silly text to me, but the guys say “he was only trying to be nice.” Men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Yep!

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:44 am

Black, that article was directed towards women so I do not know if it is right or wrong but it was a great read.

Fion

February 15th, 2011
10:45 am

@BMW
…….Snakes, oh I see. …….that’s nice. Check Please!

kimmie

February 15th, 2011
10:46 am

Morning Gang!

One of my recently retired employees passed this morning. I am so happy we got to honor her back in January. She was looking so good, but her daughter said she took a turn for the worst just yesterday. So I’m a little sad today.

Make all this stuff seem trivial.

Leggs/BMW – Sometimes it not a matter of being set in your ways or uncompromising. Sometimes you are just tired of dealing with the mess. I know I was at that “tired” stage when I put out the “trash” and took a 2 year dating break before I met my boo.

It just gets old.

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:46 am

I think he was only trying to be nice and break the ice and maybe he likes you but is taking things very slowly but did not want to let that day past without acknowledging you. I wasn’t saying be your own worst enemy in regards to hooking up I was saying don’t shoot any guy out of the sky over something minor

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:47 am

Black, I have a Anaconda and it does not eat rats. Just saying since you like snakes and all. LOL

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:48 am

Oh Raqi V ~ glad to see you.

Light

February 15th, 2011
10:50 am

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Let God will be done thru this blog http://lightoftheearth.blogspot.com…

Leggs

February 15th, 2011
10:51 am

Yes, kimmie, that’s it…it just gets OLD. If you want to get to know me, get to know me. If not, don’t send me stupid texts!

@Raqi V ~ I was about to tell you I think I’m menopausal/moody, but kimmie has diagnosed my problem (LOL)!

Celisea (free Me-lo)

February 15th, 2011
10:52 am

Okay ya’ll…I’m a believer but that ain’t me going from blog to blog as “light”…this person was on another blog with the same link…LOL I have no shame, I say mine here, under my name. Not knocking you “light”…do ya thing.

Fion

February 15th, 2011
10:53 am

@BMW
Ya know, somethings make me nervous, Like Women and handguns, Women with Duct tape.
Stuff like that. Ever tied anybody up? Would like cream with your coffee?

Purple Rain

February 15th, 2011
10:54 am

Fion, that list should make any man fearful of a woman

Raqi V

February 15th, 2011
10:54 am

Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.

I can say that my husband actually did that ^. LOL

BlackMagic, I think that is a great article. She was a bit raw with it but I think the grown and mature will get the gist of what she is saying.