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Scared of a marriage minus the passion?

I am fully aware that I can be a hopeless romantic at times. I’m not delusional about the “fluff I see in movies” kind of romance. I’m just all about passion in a relationship. I just love the idea of being with the one person that truly does it for me – connecting to them on many levels. Passion is important! Am I being naive, though?

One of the many, many fears I have about settling down and marrying is being stuck in a marriage that lacks passion. Do you ever think about what you would do if you ended up with a marriage that had mediocre sex, constant fighting, and awful communication? That sounds like my version of hell!

I have seen some marriages that seem to fit this profile. I always wonder if they were ever in love and passionate about one another. How do couples manage to get so far away from how it was in the beginning?

So I don’t feel like a completely irrational freak, is there something about marriage you fear?

It would be great to have folks who have been there (are there now and are willing to go back) and can give us a true depiction of what it’s like. What keeps you passionate about your significant other? Chime in an dispel the misconceptions! It’s not all bad, I’m sure.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

332 comments Add your comment

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
3:03 pm

Leggs … re the Mama comment, not looking for or needing therapy, just suggesting that even a mother’s love is often conditional.

Also not suggesting I am having a love affair with my dogs ;-) , just saying that have have been there for me when no woman would step up…and have been there long after they have kicked me to the curb.

My Sheltie can honestly sense when I have been beaten up pretty good. She will look at me from across the room, assess my mood sort of, walk over to me and put her head in my lap, and look into my eyes and make me pet her for a couple of minutes. Then she will walk back over to her bed, sort of smile, and lay back down.

BlackMagicWoman

February 10th, 2011
3:06 pm

PURPLE…I don’t think I’d put my life in danger for a spouse. How many times have you seen a wife/husband give a kidney or piece of the liver, etc to save their spouse’s life. Only to have them get a new lease on life and leave them. Now for my child…yes I would, if I had one.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:06 pm

We raised rabbits loved them even gave them names. We also ate those same rabbits. Great life lesson. Somebody might show you love and take care of you but they will eat you too. LOL

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:07 pm

Black, would you expect your man to put his life on the line for you?

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:08 pm

I don’t think a woman should put her life on the line for her man but a man should for his woman.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
3:10 pm

SCool – I had someone leave me when my father got sick. He was scared my dad would become an invalid and would interfere with our time together. That let me know his true colors. Plus, I had 3 brothers and a sister and we all worked together to take care of my father. The selfishness was so apparent though. He was with me at the hospital that day (dad had a stroke). He was restless and couldn’t wait to leave to go hang with his boys. I told him to go on, I had my family’s support. I didn’t talk to him any more until 7 years later, when my father passed. His own father was ill by then. I told him not only did my father not become an invalid, he actually was able to continue a limited medical practice. The last year of his life he developed lung cancer, so that, not the stroke, was what took him. But my ex was surprised his prediction did not come true. Coward.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:11 pm

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:11 pm

kimmie, that sucks

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
3:12 pm

Not to pick on BMW because what she said around 1:05 is totally accurate. Romance may not happen if finances aren’t right, and several more things. That is conditional. Not wrong, just conditional. The woman (or man) isn’t feeling it because (fill in the blank) is conditional. It is not necessarily about sex, it is about the attitude one displays to the other when they are not on the same plane at the same time. I had financial problems, and my ex kicked me to the curb. She would take me back in a heartbeat now, but I wouldn’t have her. Only using this as an example, my life (and love life) improved dramatically when I got a divorce. Just saying that unconditional is hard to find.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:13 pm

This little boy has his foot pressing against my “something” and it hurts. Good lawd. LOL

Purple how you compare giving your mate an organ to taking a bullet for them? That’s not even the same. God tells a man to love his wife the same as he loves his own body/self. He never said a man should give his life for his wife in the physical sense. Yes we all know men are protectors but no one expects you all to be jumping in front of bullets for us. Not on purpose that is.

I don’t think that I could live with myself if my husband died for me like that. Him doing all he can to get me out of harm’s way is enough. Don’t get yourself killed.
It’s a nice thought in theory but that there my son is not reality.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
3:13 pm

Oh the bullets that we have dodged….

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
3:13 pm

Purple – I’ve dodged many bullets. It was such a blessing I didn’t marry him.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
3:14 pm

“We raised rabbits loved them even gave them names. We also ate those same rabbits. Great life lesson. Somebody might show you love and take care of you but they will eat you too. LOL”

Tooooo funnnny and toooo real.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:14 pm

@kimmie ~ that is horrible. He was scared over something that didn’t even materialize. Nevertheless, he was more concered with exercising his freedom than helping you navigate the rollercoaster you found yourself on. Good Riddance…

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
3:14 pm

LMAO. Too coincidental.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:15 pm

I’ve dodged many bullets. It was such a blessing I didn’t marry him.

That is one way to look at it. LOL

I guess a lot of people can look at it like that. One man coming along distracting you from another. Yep bullet dodged.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:19 pm

Raqi, I said give your life it was my example not organ donation etc. I mean something that would put ones life at risk so that the other may live. Whether it be a major organ or a bullet or situation.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
3:19 pm

Leggs/Raqi/SCool – That is the stuff all the dating and asking questions and such will never reveal. That is God showing you what you could get yourself into if you choose to proceed with this person.

God will always show you, I do believe.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
3:20 pm

I’m intrigued about the “dying for you” dialogue. Personally I could die for a spouse and not think a whole lot about it, would walk out in front of a truck without batting an eye for any of my children. Death isn’t scary. And I am not talking about spiritual things either actually…felt this way long before I found any true faith. If you have lived a full life (and I have, not always good but NEVER boring), death while defending someone you care for is nothing. Not trying to sound macho, it just isn’t something to be afraid of. That is why I loved skydiving, rapelling, doing things that gaave a bit of an adrenalin rush…the rush far exceeds the fear. Just does.

BlackMagicWoman

February 10th, 2011
3:22 pm

“Black, would you expect your man to put his life on the line for you?”

Would I like him to..YEP. Do I expect it….nope!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:24 pm

I don’t think a woman should put her life on the line for her man but a man should for his woman.
Purp If you gave your life, how would your wife and child be affected by this (financially, emotionally, psychologically) going forward? Same question in the case that your wife gives her life for you. Which is the least worst scenario?

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:26 pm

Randyt, thank you. You noticed that I asked the guys, because I did not think women would understand that. If we were caught in a robbery and they put a gun to her head or my mothers head I would ask for them to take me instead. If she needed my heart to live I would give her mine no problem. If we were down by the river and a cat got after us I would try and distract the cat while she ran knowing good and well what that cat would do to me. Most men are not scared of death, it’s just a progression.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:27 pm

No Purple. And anybody that even expects their mate to do so has been smoking some bad grass.

Relationships are about giving of yourself not giving your life.

If you ever get with a woman that ask you that question “will you give your life for me” run in the opposite direction as fast and far as you can. She ain’t dealing with a full deck or she will have you up in some crazy mess all the time.

Yall be fighting everyday of your life. LOL

abc

February 10th, 2011
3:28 pm

Purple Rain, I’d do those things for my wife, without hesitation. I think that a key ingredient of a successful marriage is to put the other person’s interests ahead of your own. The challenge is to maintain that attitude no matter what happens over the course of years or decades.

I can relate to the doggy love, Randy. Mine follow me around like doggie shadows all the time, no matter the state of my or their feelings.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:30 pm

Dreams, I could not live with myself if my wife died and I had the ability to prevent it. I would feel like a coward. Also I think that a mother is more important to a child than a father is, it’s good to have them both but I think the mother is the key to the family. If I died my family would be there for my wife and financially…I have saved my whole life I still have Soo Woo money in addition to legal money in savings, I spend little and love saving plus thats the advantage of cropping, breeding and owning farm land. Something will always grow or be sold. Emotionally i would want her to remarry and make someone else home happy psychologiacally it would hurt me if I lived and she died and I did nothing.

abc

February 10th, 2011
3:31 pm

Raqi, the Bible states it explicitly, Ephesians 5:25: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

If a man is not willing to give himself up for his wife, neither is she to be expected to submit to him. If that dynamic is not in place, the marriage has little chance of survival.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:31 pm

Randy, I would not walk out in front of a truck for anyone. However if I see one of my loved one in danger of being hit by a truck I will run out there to try to grab them out of the way. If that truck hits me while doing so then so be it. But just casually walking out there saying hit me and not them. Nope.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
3:31 pm

We never know what we might do or feel should a situation hit. I would like to think I would make the right decision and do whatever possible should something unfortunate strike a loved one, be it spouse, child, relative, friend, etc. Some things you just can’t predict until they happen.

I remember speaking with an ex some years ago, right before I met my fiance’. This ex claimed he had wanted to marry me, but things didn’t work out with that LDR. Back when we dated, I was living with my parents and going to grad school. He said he was unsure about marrying me then because he didn’t think I would do whatever necessary for the relationship, I wasn’t “ride or die”. Back then I was very much still under the influence of my parents. I was not willing to give up all and move to Cali and shack, without even a ring. I remember getting mad when he said that. But thinking back, no, I guess if I was not willing to make that sacrifice maybe I wasn’t as in love with him as I thought. Or maybe I really was just using the common sense I had and the values my parents instilled in me. I don’t know, I’m much better off, I do know that. He didn’t have any trouble or waste any time finding someone to shack with & marry.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:32 pm

This is going to sound sexist but Raqi you are speaking from a womans point of view not a mans and it’s obvious that the majority of the men in here today feel the same way from a man’s point of view. We have two different points of view, so be it.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:32 pm

abc, that is not what that verse mean.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:35 pm

maybe I really was just using the common sense I had

Exactly.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:38 pm

Jesus had the choice not to die, but him sacrificing himself was the ultimate expression of love for all of us.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:39 pm

Purple, like I said trying to save my love one I may lose my life. But being expected to have the train of the thought of “I will freely take a bullet for you” I don’t get that.

Let me ask you this, what if your wife started the war, would you take the bullet? You two are out and she starts running off at the mouth at someone and they draw a gun or blade. Where is your love at that point?

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:40 pm

Thank you Raqi V, that verse doesn’t mean it that way!

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:40 pm

Jesus had the choice not to die, but him sacrificing himself was the ultimate expression of love for all of us.

Exactly, and God requires no other man to give his life for another. Jesus dying was for a purpose that no man can give to another.

abc

February 10th, 2011
3:42 pm

That is EXACTLY what that verse means, Raqi. What did Christ do to give himself up for the church? He willingly died on the cross.

Purple’s correct, I think, in that men and women will have different thoughts on this point. Likewise, men and women should have different perspectives on how one should submit to the other.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:42 pm

@PR ~ the love is there, but your brain is saying “Woman, didn’t I tell you keep your trap shut, now look at us. We have a gun in our faces.”

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:44 pm

And abc Jesus giving his life for the church was him denying the desires of his flesh to please The Father and to be an example to the church of what God wants from us.

That’s how a man gives his life for his wife. When he is tired he still gets out and goes to work. When he wants to do one thing with his money he puts in the house and provide what’s needed. When he wants to be alone he spends time with the wife. He doesn’t say hurtful things in anger. That’s giving your life for your family.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:45 pm

So Raqi you are saying that God/ did not have armies that actually lost their lives for others. Secret Service men protecting the president with their life Or all of those others overseas fighting for our freedom knowing good and well that they may die are not doing it for someone else? you think they are going against Gods will? If my wife started it could matter less. Hopefully I married someone smarter than that but if she pops off and gets mouthy and got threatened that would not change a thing. Any situation she is in and I can protect her life I will. I am sure you husband would to.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
3:46 pm

ABC, you’re gonna mislead somebody. Scriptures shouldn’t be molded to fit conveniently. The purpose of Christ’s death was to conquer sin…not just for the heck of it. While he was divine he was human and it was no easy task. The good book said he was in agony while heading to the cross. Remember he had to pray 3 times before taking on the final task of the death of the cross. So, you know if the son incarnate struggled (remove this bitter cup) to do it what about us nondivine folks? He willingly did it because his mission was to please God.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:47 pm

Last dying thought. “My husband stood there and did nothing” or “My man gave his life so that I could live”

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
3:47 pm

….and save an dying world

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
3:47 pm

That is EXACTLY what that verse means
In the same chapter, verse 2 it says that “Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” So, when the Bible speaks of Christ “giving himself up” later in the very same chapter, I would think that it has the same meaning as in the second verse.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:47 pm

Leggs, you are right it does not mean that.

Yeah God made man the protector but he never said a man should die in the instance they are trying to use.

Back breaking work, that’s giving your life. Long hours to provide food and shelter, that’s giving your life.

There are so many pancies now the steer away from marriage because they are afraid they may lose a dollar or get their hands dirty so their family will have. Those punks are not willing to give their lives.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
3:47 pm

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:48 pm

Okay so nobody is in place to say definitively what and why Jesus Christ died, all that is going on is pushing ones(POV) beliefs on the other. The first four books of the New Testament are all about the same story just told form different view points.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:49 pm

Thank you Celisea I knew you would jump in. It is misleading what he is saying.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:49 pm

or the thought might be “dumbass you should have just let me die”

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
3:49 pm

PR “Most men are not scared of death, it’s just a progression”.
EXACTLY

Raqi I understand your sentiment, but it is a man thing. We are, or at least used to be, taught from infancy that a man is supposed to protect his woman and his children. It has been his JOB since the Garden of Eden. It just is what it is.

I’ve got more than my share of faults, but somethings are just clear to a man. This is one…or should be.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
3:49 pm

Every man has an appointed day with death…why take somebody else’s turn? That’s not what God intends.