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Scared of a marriage minus the passion?

I am fully aware that I can be a hopeless romantic at times. I’m not delusional about the “fluff I see in movies” kind of romance. I’m just all about passion in a relationship. I just love the idea of being with the one person that truly does it for me – connecting to them on many levels. Passion is important! Am I being naive, though?

One of the many, many fears I have about settling down and marrying is being stuck in a marriage that lacks passion. Do you ever think about what you would do if you ended up with a marriage that had mediocre sex, constant fighting, and awful communication? That sounds like my version of hell!

I have seen some marriages that seem to fit this profile. I always wonder if they were ever in love and passionate about one another. How do couples manage to get so far away from how it was in the beginning?

So I don’t feel like a completely irrational freak, is there something about marriage you fear?

It would be great to have folks who have been there (are there now and are willing to go back) and can give us a true depiction of what it’s like. What keeps you passionate about your significant other? Chime in an dispel the misconceptions! It’s not all bad, I’m sure.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

332 comments Add your comment

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
1:23 pm

DJ – Sorry, but to me it’s a copout, whether it’s coming from a man or a woman. But hey, whatever, he’s gotta do him!

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
1:25 pm

Randy, a book on kissing? I bet that was interesting trying that.
While all efforts should be appreciated coming from your mate, but kissing is an art. I have kissed a couple of guys that I would rather kiss a camel than kiss them again. LOL I imagine some woman somewhere liked to be kissed as they were doing but I don’t take to kindly to feeling like you are trying to swallow my entire head. Nor needing a towel to dry off after kissing you. Just eww.

Call me shallow but I didn’t date a guy once because he had very thin lips. Looked like he had a slit in face his were lips were supposed to grow out.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
1:26 pm

Simple fact. Someone wrote into the Playboy Forum many years ago and asked, “where is the most errogenous zone on a woman’s body???” The answer was, “Between the ears”. Romance is NOT rocket science.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 10th, 2011
1:27 pm

@PR

I left Minneapolis on New Years Day, having shoveled 6 feet of snow off the driveway/sidewalk and witnessed an “iceball storm” that I thought was sand.

Stay warm my friend

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:27 pm

kimmie, let me know when you go. My nephew is resident Dj for TRYST , Drais and XS. I can get you on the VIP list and free drinks etc.
http://www.djbigdee.com is his site

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:29 pm

@PR ~ No doubt she’s been deeply involved with a man and deeply hurt by him. Reason for her gloomy, yet honest posts on relationships.

“…not just something to pound on.” – That why I never understood these words “you don’t have to do anything, just lie there and I’ll do all the word….UUUGGGGHHHH!” I absolutely hate hearing these words.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:29 pm

Dan, when I am outside I stay dressed in layers in the house we keep the furnace at a nice comfortable 72

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
1:31 pm

Purple – Thanks!! Good looking out!!!

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:32 pm

Leggs, he did a number on her. She made need me to come down there and bring her back to love :o

DJ Sniper

February 10th, 2011
1:33 pm

LOL@ Minnesota being called South Canada!!!!

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:34 pm

kimmie, and for your single lady friends he is single. If they like the tall bald headed buff type. LOL he has pictures on his site.

Long Time Ago

February 10th, 2011
1:34 pm

Little late to the show, but, this is a topic I can relate too. We’ve been married over 30 years and remain best friends. We do almost everything together – and she’s a good sport about getting involved in activities I like and I hope to have reciprocated as much. We’re not as passionate as we used to be, but, still have our moments.

A good friend of ours once said – “They’re going to plant you two together”. It was a sincere compliment as he meant we would always be together. We were special from the start and remain so today.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
1:40 pm

you don’t have to do anything, just lie there and I’ll do all the word

Leggs, I have never said those words but I would be lying if I said I never “just layed there” kinda sorta. LOL But in my own defense that is the very infrequent times when I know the man has his needs but I am so not feeling it that evening. Just enough foreplay to get me lubed so he can be in and out and I can go to sleep.

Yep. I am okay every once in a while letting him get what he needs without me having to get off.

And long as he continues to be available and willing to pleasure me ( M or O) when he doesn’t want sex we have a fair deal.

Sometimes one of start out not really feeling it and find ourselves within minutes fully engulfed. Anybody can be persuaded. LOL

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
1:40 pm

Yall make me do the wrong things. I need to lay down for awhile.

Talk to yall later.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:42 pm

Raqi your engine gets warm very easy

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:44 pm

@PR ~ one may have done more damage than the other!

@LongTimeAgo ~ NICE!

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
1:45 pm

Purple – Cool!!

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:49 pm

@Raqi ~ I understand there are times when you’re fully into it and before the session is over you’re fully engulfed. I got that. I also got you have to let your man get his rocks off as well, especially when you’re not into it. But, to mouth those words shows insensitivity toward me and what may be going on for him to have received a “not tonight.” That’s all I’m saying. Listen, I’m not saying these words are said often, but when they are, men need to back up a little and see why its a “not tonight” kind of night.

BlackMagicWoman

February 10th, 2011
1:49 pm

“Speaking of passion and upchucking, has anyone ever gotten nauseous for whatever reason during any stages of doing the do?”

Never barfed…but I had an asthma attack during a “vocal session”. Hey….my airways were blocked. Don’t judge me! :lol:

RAQI….you need a spanking for eating Popeyes. But I’m going to ask that the male bloggers wait until after the boy is born before the spanking commences! :lol:
But back to that article you read…it’s true. If I am thinking that every time a car turns down the street…that it’s the repo man coming to take our cars….there is absolutely no tingling Vaginini going on! :lol:

PR…I have had quite a few heartbreaks to make me the way I am, steaming from childhood. I have also had one in the meantime guy who (who I did not care about) do something dirty to me. So I am very NON-trusting of men!

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:51 pm

Black, well we should hook up and worse case scenario I will just have met your expectations. LOL

Fion

February 10th, 2011
1:54 pm

The Greeks Identified 4 types of Love, Eros” is Greek for sexual or carnal love, Philio” is friendship love, “storge,” which is family love and Agape is the type of love that is unconditional.

Just want to drop this, If you are working on your marriage, (seems like a lot of folk today said marriage is work) please know what you should be working on.
(IMHO) the goal should be moving yourself to the point of Loving your mate Unconditionally.

BlackMagicWoman

February 10th, 2011
2:00 pm

PURPLE is trying to have a crazed Pregnant woman chasing me down the street! :lol:

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
2:04 pm

@ Fion I love the thought of unconditional love. Unfortunately the closest I have come to it, whether in my marriage (failed), several LTRs (gone), even my childhood…was my dogs. They love me unconditionally…people, toooooo selfish and always conditional. If one does find someone who can love you unconditionally, and not so ugly you want to put your own eys out, then by all means take him/her home quickly. In the mean time, my sheltie and my Lhaso love me, even if my mama and exes don’t.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
2:05 pm

Oh and Fion… ;-) life is good anyway.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
2:10 pm

yeah I could go for some Eros right now. lol

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
2:11 pm

(Someone nudge that clock to see if it is moving. I come back to ATL this eve).

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:13 pm

Black, shes snowed in. LOL

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
2:14 pm

@RandyT ~ your mama doesn’ love you anymore…that’s an entirely new topic.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
2:14 pm

Just recently, I was pondering whether or not my feelings for TheDude were unconditional. I questioned myself as to whether or not I would still love him the way that I do if something drastic about him changed – physically, mentally or even financially.

dd

February 10th, 2011
2:19 pm

Did it all for years……housework, dates, attention, you name it. If I hear another word about how the man doing housework is key to a good sex life, I’ll throw up……because it’s total BS. If the passion in a relationship (which whether you like it or not, to a man, centers around sexuality…….deal with it, it’s how we are wired) is a priority, then it is a priority. If its not, then there will be an endless litany of excuses as to what the man hasn’t done to “put her in the mood”. It’s like my wife finally got….I’m never in the mood to sit for an hour and talk about things I think are stupid, but I do it (and now enjoy it) because I know it’s important to her.

Please…for the sake or relationships across the country, stop making excuses, and start making passion a priority in your relationship.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
2:20 pm

If I am thinking that every time a car turns down the street…that it’s the repo man coming to take our cars

BlackMagic, Exactly.

Or walking thru the door thinking I am coming home to a surprise romantic candlelit evening just find out the power is off.

I have been in a married where we were pretty much dirt po but hey he was trying. We were young and he was doing the best he could. But entertaining the antics of some trifling man now at my age. Oh hecky nah. You ever heard of DRY ICE?

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
2:21 pm

Purple, actually it does not.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:22 pm

SexyCool, if I use the word love….I only know how to love one way and that is unconditionally. Maybe that’s why I have been in love very few times. If I don’t unconditionally love you that means I don’t love you at all. Mine doesn’t have degrees.

Fion

February 10th, 2011
2:30 pm

@ Randyt
I feel sorry for you . Not in a sarcastic fashion at all, but because you missed the point.
It’s not about how my mate loves me, but rather have I taken control to LOVE uncontionally.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
2:36 pm

if something drastic about him changed – physically, mentally or even financially

SexyCool, that is something I truly think one has to grow to and you probably are there. It’s an allowance that comes with commitment IMO. My hub has way more allowance now than he did when he and I were newly dating.

Everything is easier said than done, but I in my heart think that when you can imagine the very worse that can happen and you very first thought is to stay you are loving unconditionally.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:36 pm

I like my dogs but I don’t love them.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
2:37 pm

PLito – I appreciate your point. However, I disagree about love being unconditional. Love has conditions. And at the very least, relationships have conditions. And really, I was considering whether or not I was of strong enough character to stay through the kinds of curve balls that life can throw at you. If I would be willing to remain in this relationship in spite of certain conditions.

My conclusion – it’s a step in the right direction that I even allowed myself to consider something catastrophic happening and the effect it would have on me, on him, on the relationship. It helps that I have a belief that if those tables were turned, I feel secure that he would be there for me regardless. And that love that we share right here, right now, today…feels like a forever kind of love.

And even it something happened today that would change tomorrow, the love that he has given me up to this point, feels like it would be enough.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:38 pm

Have you all ever seen “Me or the Do”?

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
2:41 pm

And y’all know me…my actual thought was, “I love this dude enough that, God forbid, I would stay if a chimpanzee mauled his face or he lost his legs in a car accident.”
(Don’t get much plainer than that.)

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:41 pm

SC-ooooooooooo, I was just speaking from my point of view and my life and how I love :) I don;t shre my love often I kind of guard it because I know if I get to that point there are no holds barred. Nobody in my life that I love can make me stop loving them, no will I still deal with them maybe not. Nothing my family can do, heck if my wife took on the whole Timberwolve’s line up. I will still love her but I won’t be with her anymore. I like to say being lovesick does not justify doing dumb sh1TT. I don’t think if you are really in love that love can be lost.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:43 pm

Me or the Dog

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
2:43 pm

I feel you, PLito. I’m just of the firm belief that folks can do things that kill your love for them.

And hence, on this particular point, we agree to disagree.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:46 pm

I don’t know if the news made it down there but a Somolian killed his whole family over in N.Dakota last week. The kids grew up in my parents house (they are Foster Parents) pretty sad the woman worked so hard to get her kids back, she got off drugs and the streets and after she was stable she got the kids back only to have her ex come in to kill them all except for the child he was the father of.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:48 pm

SCooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool, that is something neither one of us have to every worry about. You because he makes your heart smile and me because she knows I keep gasoline and matches on standby. LOL

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
2:49 pm

SexyCool and Purple, I think the conditions that fall under me doing my wifely duties and him doing his husband duties are not to even be compared to the unconditional that is questioned should life cripple or blind.

No I will not stay if he become a prick withholds from me, starts to mistreat me and stop taking care of home. And I know he would stay if I start to undermine and try to emasculate him. Everyone should have conditions and expectations from your mate.

My friend Mari husband has degenerative arthritis in his legs. His father could not walk by the time he was in his forties. His brother walks with a cane now in his 40’s. Mari’s husband only suffers mildly but they are both very much aware of what’s coming. She jokes about it and say she will have to be on top all the time when his legs give out but she knows one day he will not walk.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
2:53 pm

Rock, you always make it so much plainer than I can.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
2:55 pm

Hey Fion, not looking for sympathy, my life is good. I did catch watch you said about being your loving unconditionally, just haven’t seem much eveidence of it, not just to me, but from me. It is something I would aspire toward, but in my marriage, one mistake I made was to love so much that I did not establish boundaries. Women will often, if not always, begin to disrespect a man who does that I realized years later. My wife took advantage of it and took it to mean that she could do anything and it was right. Eventually, when the resentment began to set in in me, she was too set in her ways to understand that she needed to back up some. Then things got worse.

Bottom line is that if a man tries to love unconditionally and in doing so does not establish boundaries, then he walks a very thin line between gaining greater love or getting total disrespect. That will depend mostly on the makeup of the woman, but I’ve dated so many divorced women who said they “lost respect” for their husbands…and then when questioned further, it was eveident that it was a minefield that any man would have hard time making it through.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
2:57 pm

A physical ailment or disease could not make me fall out of love. I might hire a hot sexy nurse to change her bedpan if needed but ailments I am still there.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
3:02 pm

Should you love someone more than you love yourself? What would you self sacrifice for love. Guys would if your wife’s life was on the line would you take her place? Organ donation, step in front of a rabid wolf a bullet? Would you pause before you acted? I know some parents will for one of their children, but would you do it for a spouse?

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
3:03 pm

SexyCool, just call us twin souls. LOL