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Scared of a marriage minus the passion?

I am fully aware that I can be a hopeless romantic at times. I’m not delusional about the “fluff I see in movies” kind of romance. I’m just all about passion in a relationship. I just love the idea of being with the one person that truly does it for me – connecting to them on many levels. Passion is important! Am I being naive, though?

One of the many, many fears I have about settling down and marrying is being stuck in a marriage that lacks passion. Do you ever think about what you would do if you ended up with a marriage that had mediocre sex, constant fighting, and awful communication? That sounds like my version of hell!

I have seen some marriages that seem to fit this profile. I always wonder if they were ever in love and passionate about one another. How do couples manage to get so far away from how it was in the beginning?

So I don’t feel like a completely irrational freak, is there something about marriage you fear?

It would be great to have folks who have been there (are there now and are willing to go back) and can give us a true depiction of what it’s like. What keeps you passionate about your significant other? Chime in an dispel the misconceptions! It’s not all bad, I’m sure.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

332 comments Add your comment

Truthhurts

February 10th, 2011
11:30 am

How does a man go from being a knight in shining armor to a bumbling half wit? He gets married and she tells him so. How does a man go from being the object of her desire to “Look, just leave me alone.”? He gets married and she tells him so. How does a man go from being smart, innovative and savy to dumb and can’t figure his way out of the room? He gets married and she lets him know that. How do you turn a beautiful swan into a Pit Bull? You marry her.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:33 am

Princess I need to say that to my wife, .

DJ Sniper

February 10th, 2011
11:33 am

Leggs/PrincessNik, count me in as one of those men who’s had to have that discussion with his wife as well lmao.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:38 am

My ex said it to me too.

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
11:40 am

Leggs, LOL I guess so.

Last week when i was sick I did not care HOW anything got done as long as it got done, did lil mama eat, did she bathe, did she get to bed relatively on time………….. that was a lesson in “letting go” for me.

Glenwood Springs CO Photographer

February 10th, 2011
11:41 am

My husband and I have been married for 16 yrs. We’ve never had a big fight or argument, we take turns being the aggressive one in bed, we think alike and get along amazingly well. I am the happiest woman with my marriage and he tells me all the time how happy he is that we met. We will be together till death do us part. I always wish this for the couples that I work with during their wedding.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
11:43 am

What’s up gang?!

Don’t have much to add since I’m not quite there yet. All I can say is I plan to give my marriage my all. I feel confident my fiance’ will do the same.

One of my best friends told me the other day she asked her husband for a divorce, after 12 years. I knew they had been having some problems, but I thought they were going to counseling and trying to work them out. I know it’s 2 sides, but she said he’s just checked out. I’m sorry and will pray for them. I think they are a beautiful family and hope they can get past this.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:44 am

Do you ever think about what you would do if you ended up with a marriage that had mediocre sex, constant fighting, and awful communication?
I’d do whatever was in my power to make it work because when I’m in, I’m all in. I do, however, understand that my efforts alone won’t be sufficient. So, if my efforts go unmatched, I know it’s time to formulate an exit strategy. It’s good to see all the people who are (have been) married commenting on the topic. I like to see the varying insight.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
11:46 am

Purple aka Expecting Father

About 4am yesterday morning I woke and I wanted some Popeye’s chicken soooo bad. When the hub brought me my breakfast I told him I wanted Popeye’s for lunch. He said no at first but after a few “please”s he gave in and went to get it. When he gave it to me he said “I don’t want hear a peep about how sick it made you”.

I had one spicy breast and two small spoons of the red beans and rice. Only two spoons. I was laying down about an hour after eating when I felt it coming. I tried my best to hold it down but it volcanoed. LOL Thankfully the waste basket is here beside the bed.

He was so mad. I don’t know if he was mad at me or more mad at himself for giving in to me. LOL

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:51 am

Dang Raqi! Bet he was more mad at himself for giving it to you. Now realizing he’s going to have to put some restraints on your requests and stick by them.

That’s one thing I never had while pregnant, cravings. Although I ate a boatload of pizza.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:52 am

“when are you going to accept that I’m not going to always do things exactly the way you want them done”
Princess This is one of my biggest pet peeves. You ask me to do something and then tell me how you want me to do it. Hey, if you already know how to build this shelf, here’s the saw and hammer. lol I think every dude has been here.

One of my best friends told me the other day she asked her husband for a divorce, after 12 years.
kimmie happens all the time. I’d hate to spend 12 (or more) years of my life with someone, just to get to the point of leaving them.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:54 am

I don’t know if he was mad at me or more mad at himself for giving in to me.
Raqi probably both, but I would definitely be more mad at myself for giving in when I KNEW what the outcome would be. lol

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
12:00 pm

DreamsM

LOL, I can see that. I usually just express my request, then after he is done I may say well how come you did it that way, not to say that way wasn’t good enough just curious about the reasoning for doing it that way.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
12:01 pm

Still on topic? I’m going to walk to Chickfila…maybe there’s be something new when I come back

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
12:03 pm

there will not there’s….

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
12:03 pm

Dreams – Her’s was one of those marriages, from the outside looking in, that you admire, want to emmulate. They seemed to be really devoted to one another and supportive. I know he’s going thru something, his friends have even tried to talk to him. Although my friend said she might have gotten him to sit up & take notice since she mentioned the D word. She said he seems to be perking up and trying to be “present”.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
12:06 pm

Raqi, LOL Thank goodness I live on the farm. If she wants something that is not already in the house she knows she is not getting it. Plowing and forging snow and ice and knowing would probably get stuck. LOL now when we go shopping every two weeks I am buying a bunch of unnecessary items, that are sitting around spoiling. I do not know who is putting on more weight. Me or her and with this weather I can’t get to my connect either…LOL Stress levels are the only things high in my home

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
12:07 pm

Celisea, what do you want to talk about?

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
12:11 pm

@PR ~ remember, men also gain weight during the pregnancy (lol).

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
12:11 pm

Although I ate a boatload of pizza
I don’t eat pizza that much but when I was in the hospital this last time the boy and the babe was sitting in the room eating some. I told them when I get out imma have 3 of the biggest slices of pizza I can find. Just thinking about eating pizza at this very moment is giving me heartburn.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
12:14 pm

DreamsMat, he was mumbling something while walking about with the waste basket. LOL I think his words were too harsh for the baby’s ears that’s why he was mumbling. She was sitting on the bed playing with her Elmo.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:15 pm

Just when we were about to give up the *blog* ghost. (lol)

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
12:23 pm

Purp, I don’t have a lot of craving for out of the ordinary stuff. But when it does hit it hits hard. I had to have that chicken though. LOL

Speaking of passion and upchucking, has anyone ever gotten nauseous for whatever reason during any stages of doing the do?

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:27 pm

I have a friend at work that nearly everytime I see him, he is talking with some chick, walking with some chick and obviously flirting with some chick – not the same chick.

He is tall (6′4″), attractive and wears a wedding band. We go to lunch together sometimes and it became apparent when we first started eating lunch together (we just happened to always be in the food courst at the same time) that he was not happy with his wife.

I asked him if he flirted with his wife as much as he flirted with the chicks at work. He looked at me like I had two heads. I told him to try it for a week. Go home, flirt with your wife, make her laugh and I guarantee you it will pay off. No, it won’t solve all of the issues that you have and it won’t make everything better overnight, but it will pay off.

Last time I saw him, I asked him if he was flirting with his wife more. He smiled and said that things were getting better, that the flirting helps.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
12:36 pm

Raqi no I have never upchucked doing the do, I have gotten nauseous though usually doing to much movement during drunken sex.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
12:36 pm

SCool – That’s cool!

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
12:37 pm

I asked him if he flirted with his wife as much as he flirted with the chicks at work. He looked at me like I had two heads.

Exactly. We are all women of the same nature. Wives or girlfriends need the same attention you are willing to give that non-wife and girlfriend. Why don’t people get this?

So many people stray and leave the wife or girlfriend for the new just to find out down the line the cycle is repeating itself. That’s because you put more work into getting at the new when she was new than you do once you have her.

I know it goes for wives treating their husbands nicely also.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
12:41 pm

My wife says she doesn’t like all the attention and flirting. I know for a fact that is a lie because when I do it she giggles and is just in a joyful mood…..but to hear here tell it she does not. LOL

Raqi, it is negative 24 degrees here today. Most winter babies are born at home for that very reason. LOL

Tancred

February 10th, 2011
12:42 pm

You should be fearful. Monogamy is completely contrary to our primate nature, and it makes complete sense that marriages often fail for lack of “passion.” Think of all the marriages that break up because the husband has been masturbating on the Intar-Webs. Men need new stimuli, and looking at the same old, flabby, saggy-breasted wife is a downer. He may “like” and “appreciate” his wife, but he always needs new stimuli. Women, unfortunately, do like to where rose-coloured glasses when it comes to marriage, and are more willing to stay in a relationship as long as they get attention. This plays into their intrinsic vanity. This is why I never go beyond “friendship” in my relationships with women, and if we have sex, I always make it clear before we get to that point that I’m NEVER gonna get married. The moments of loneliness are worth the freedom. Marriage? No way!

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:43 pm

Yeah. I make sure that I flirt with TheDude, compliment him, smile at him and kiss him…a lot. (lol)

In fact, we were watching GMA a few weeks ago and there was a segment about keeping the flame alive (or something like that). One of the suggestions was kiss for at least ten seconds everyday. We look at each other and immediately started kissing. Since then, I’ve been asking him for *my ten seconds* every day. He just laughs at me and commences to kissing. (LOVING that….see big Kool-Aid grin)

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
12:44 pm

Oh boy, here comes the dude wearing the “monogamy isn’t natural” hat!

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
12:45 pm

SCool – I saw that GMA segment!

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:46 pm

Oh snap…just googled “Ten Second Kiss”….interesting.

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:48 pm

Seems like this advice has been around for a MINUTE….(lol)

There really is nothing new under the sun….

SexyCool

February 10th, 2011
12:49 pm

Oh…and it seems as if it was just on last Wednesday.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
12:54 pm

SexyCool and kimmie, the Ten Second Kiss sounds like a good idea.

Only if more people looked for reasons and ways to keep the passion rather than searching for the reasons and excuses why it should fail.

My friend Doc always talk about the power of touch. I copied her years ago on that and it works. Just touching his arm or hand endearingly while watching tv or to say hello whatever works wonders.

Imma about to email you SexyCool. I don’t know if kimmie wants to hear this though. LOL

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:00 pm

kimmie are you going to party a little in Vegas while you are there?

BlackMagicWoman

February 10th, 2011
1:05 pm

“If you are female and in a passionless relationship, please do whatever you can to reconnect.”

It takes two. The man can’t always come like a one trick pony and the woman is always supposed to be satisfed. Most of the time…if a woman is not interested in sex with her mate, there are 3 main reasons: One is, Financial, trust me, if my man is not handling his business in the household, I am not feeling any romantic feelings for him. It’s almost like a loss of respect.The second reason is, the sex is boring and tired. Get a new groove, try something new (and me asking for a 3-some is not one). Romance is key. Rubbing up against me in bed with a hard on is NOT foreplay. Also, if you let yourself go, that does not exactly moisten the panties. A man with a pregnant gut, UGH! Don’t always put it on the woman to look good by working out and taking care of her grooming when you don’t! And the third reason is tied into the first & second ones…she has checked out on you mentally, emotionally and physically because of one and/or two. She may have already found your replacement or at least your stand in while she is trying to give you the time to get your act together! Passion is a two way street! If I must drive it alone than I might as well be alone! Not trying to sound selfish…but during sex, the man should please the woman first because if her flood gates are opened then you can slide right in. Party time for both! I can’t count the times that I just laid there wishing it was over or thinking that I could have had a V-8, in my early twenties. Now, you have to get it right from the getty up or I am getty’ing up and we are done!

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
1:07 pm

I found a book early in my single again period about “How to Kiss”. Always being one who is eager to learn, I read it and made it a mission to try some of it out just to see. IT WORKED!!! Somehow most of us think we are born with all knowledge and can’t improve perfection. Wrong. The little things like the “Butterfly Kiss”, the “Eyelid kiss”, how to work a lover’seck, ears, lips, teeth…

My point is that there are so many ways of spicing up romance, before and after, the deed. We just need to be willing to learn and do the Gladys Knight ’slow hand, and easy touch”. Not all of good sex is giving the lady a concussion while banging her against the headboard.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:07 pm

Black from that post it almost seemed like you have had a boyfriend or lover before.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
1:10 pm

Good post BMW. Shouldn’t be a double standard…both should try to make it as good as possible.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:12 pm

Too funny, PR, you make it seem like she’s a virgin (lol).

@RandyT ~ yes, there is an art to kissing and it doesn’t have to only on the lips (the ones on your face).

Tancred

February 10th, 2011
1:12 pm

Hey Kimmie.

I said marriage was “contrary to our primate nature,” not that Monogamy was not “natural” per se. Everything is “natural” in that it’s all based on the material we have to work with on this planet. My point is that we often ignore how powerful our primate nature is. Culture, particularly our Western, Judeo-Christian culture, is the result of our abnormally large brains, and its influence makes women break down doors at wedding dress sales and it makes both men and women lie in front of their friends during the recitation of their vows. Culture and tradition make people marry the wrong people and stay in bad marriages. Also, much of our “Culture” is based on emotion/romance and the cessation of insecurity. People say they don’t want to be “lonely,” but there is nothing more lonely than that creepy, dead feeling when you realize that you are stuck with a person for the rest of your life because of a cultural “idea.”

DJ Sniper

February 10th, 2011
1:13 pm

Purple Rain, where in the blue hell do you live where it’s –24 degrees???

As for the person who talked about monogamy being unnatural: I won’t lie, he does speak some truth. This goes for women and men. Men are usually the ones who get accused of wanting to sample a variety of women, but if you talk to enough women and get them to be honest, I’m sure a lot of them will tell you that they want variety as well.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
1:16 pm

One is, Financial, trust me, if my man is not handling his business in the household, I am not feeling any romantic feelings for him.

BlackMagic,

No 1. I read an article once that had some survey about women married to more financially established men having more or better orgasm. Or something like that. But the purpose of the article was showing how when the burden of worrying about finances is lifted from the woman she…we can relax more and therefore enjoy sex more experiencing more and more better (LOL) sexual pleasure.

No 2. Yeah hump, hump, c*m it not a good look.

No 3: Things that thump, bump, hump in the night. LOL

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
1:16 pm

@ Leggs, one of those Trivial Pursuit factoids is that the largest organ in the human body is …skin. We all have yards of it, and historically use so very little in lovemaking. Well not me, if a woman is good enough to have sex with, she deserves stimulation over as much of her body as possible. My take anyway.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:19 pm

My take as well, RandyT. I have kissed more parts of his body than just his lips.

kimmie

February 10th, 2011
1:20 pm

Raqita – Send it to me too! I don’t like to be left out!LOL!!

Purple – And you know it! Party like it’s 2999!!LOL!!

Tancred – Whatever!

cba

February 10th, 2011
1:21 pm

Having read this blog for about 1 1/2 yrs, for me, this is by far the most profound topic. I celebrated my 30th year of marriage a couple of weeks ago. I think I have read about myself and my wife in almost every post :-) . I have stated before that I think Raqi has this marriage thing figured out. Her posts today have verified it for me. All I can say is that when it is clicking on all cylinders, it’s a beautiful thing and when there are a couple of misfiring plugs, the going is bumpy. Don’t expect every day to be a smooth ride and when it’s NOT, learn the fix the squeehing(sp?) wheel.
You don’t abandoned the car along side the road.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
1:22 pm

Leggs, lol I thought she just typed like she actually had a boyfriend in the past that she actually liked or something which I found odd. LOL

DJ Sniper South Canada. LOL (Minnesota)

Women need to know that just opening their legs or giving us sex is not being passionate we want some interaction not just something to pound on.