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Scared of a marriage minus the passion?

I am fully aware that I can be a hopeless romantic at times. I’m not delusional about the “fluff I see in movies” kind of romance. I’m just all about passion in a relationship. I just love the idea of being with the one person that truly does it for me – connecting to them on many levels. Passion is important! Am I being naive, though?

One of the many, many fears I have about settling down and marrying is being stuck in a marriage that lacks passion. Do you ever think about what you would do if you ended up with a marriage that had mediocre sex, constant fighting, and awful communication? That sounds like my version of hell!

I have seen some marriages that seem to fit this profile. I always wonder if they were ever in love and passionate about one another. How do couples manage to get so far away from how it was in the beginning?

So I don’t feel like a completely irrational freak, is there something about marriage you fear?

It would be great to have folks who have been there (are there now and are willing to go back) and can give us a true depiction of what it’s like. What keeps you passionate about your significant other? Chime in an dispel the misconceptions! It’s not all bad, I’m sure.

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

332 comments Add your comment

Lucinda

February 10th, 2011
10:00 am

A successful marriage requires two selfless people who focus on the needs of each other, rather than their own needs.

Purple Rain

February 10th, 2011
10:03 am

In a marriage you just need to show that you care and not in a harsh way, listen to the persons needs instead of giving them what YOU think they need.

anonymousella

February 10th, 2011
10:04 am

“Which is why i brought up making sure men don’t get lazy about keeping their women MENTALLY stimulated. As long as the mental connection is there and she doesn’t feel like, oh lawd, he wants sex again…then that should be half the battle.”

THIS!

if we’re not connecting *outside* of the bedroom we’re not connecting in it.

do you laugh with your woman? do you take her out and treat her nicely? do you help with the housework? being tired and stressed out will kill a woman’s libido.

i’m not worried about it, frankly. my dude is keeps me engaged and interested and — most importantly — makes sure i am doing well physically and mentally. he knows that if he is taking care of me, i will take care of him.

AmazonRed™

February 10th, 2011
10:04 am

Morning all – Nice responses so far.

Well, I intend to marry for love and because I really want to be with my mate. See, the problem is, a lot of folks are marrying because they want to have kids or they are tired of being alone…etc. So of course when you marry for those reasons, being with your spouse will not be a priority.

Heck, I don’t even need to have kids, so I won’t even be able to use childbirth as an excuse. So I already know now that passion will always be a priority in my marriage.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:10 am

Woman’sPoint, I agree, I agree, I agree!

It is a copout. Fading does not mean dying. Fading means it may not be as often as before. Heck my hub and I don’t expect each other to be hanging from chandeliers like we are 20 years old or something. LOL But the intimacy that we do share is what we need to be and stay connected.

And when you grow up you learn that sex is more than “busting” one. Yeah that big “O” feels good on any day of the week but mature sex is so much more. It’s about giving yourselves to each other. Bonding and sharing. Why should that die when it does not have to?

My hub has a great aunt and uncle that sits on the porch or in their living room together almost every day. They are old and retired so that how they spend their days.

We were visiting them last year and we were sitting out on the porch. The aunt and uncle were sitting on the porch swing holding hands. My hub told Uncle to come ride to the store with him. Uncle said “I can’t I am having sex.” LOL He said it as a joke because he has a quick wit like that but the hub and I both got it. Those old people are nearly 90 years old but them holding hands is how these days they share their passion for each other.

Simple Man!!!

February 10th, 2011
10:10 am

Deep conversation today!!!! I need to get to lurking and maybe take some notes….

Notme

February 10th, 2011
10:12 am

All you holier than thous need a reality check. I consider my sex life very important and while there are many things that make up a successful partnership, I demand more of myself and my partner than just brushing it off. I love to read stories and watch movies to give myself new ideas to keep my husband wanting more and give it the WOW factor. He is rarely disappojnted. I’m a doctor and my time is limited with work and kids. But I’ll be damned if I’ll be the one wondering what happened. The more I give and do for him, the more he gives a does for me. A great sexual relationship is just one big helping of all the good things that make a great buffet. If you just eat the plain peas, the plain beans and meatloaf, someones going to present some really tasty alternatives.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:12 am

You will eventually get out of a relationship what you are willing to give.

Randy, exactly.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 10th, 2011
10:14 am

@Slim/Anon/Raqi

Really?

What dude just don’t talk to you for 14 days and then roll over and expect something? When have any of you.heard.that?

Ain’t a dude over 18 tried that.

I take the point of hyperbole, but let’s try it this way too:

If we’re both stressed in life, career, kids, etc. And we each attempt to make the time to connect but somehow end up missing each other (scheduling whatever), it still requires both parties to make an effort.

Sometimes, try as we might, you ladies have a tendency to try and take on the weight of the world when you don’t have to <– that, more than anything is what stalls the engine.

(I say that knowing full well men do it too, but we know how to comparmentalize better: my girl {here}, the world {there})

Mo (aka Moeisha)

February 10th, 2011
10:16 am

Raqi – “I think the biggest mistake people make in and about marriage is thinking it will and/or is supposed to give you some type of fulfillment and keep you in an everlasting state of elation. That’s not how it is or supposed to be. Marriage is not a narcotic. It is not a drug. It’s just a normal part of life. And as with everything else in life it is what you and yours make it to be.’ I couldnt agree with this more! People need to get over the cinderella stories in reference to marriage. Also add to that, this notion people also have that their spouse will never piss them off/make them angry/etc now that they are married. C’mon now people…….

Simple Man – you are right, great discussion. Im lurking and chiming when I get a chance!

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:16 am

Notme, you are right. Sex is very much important to a thriving marriage.

Taking sex out a marriage is just like taking the oil out of a car. The oil is not all it takes for a car to run but it sure will cause problems if removed.

Sassy Me :-)

February 10th, 2011
10:18 am

Ain’t a dude over 18 tried that.

Are you speaking for the entire male population?…I understand that you can give your perspective but can you speak for ALL men?

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
10:18 am

Great posts so far. I think far too many people use intimacy and passion as a synonym for sex. To me intimacy is far greater than “doin the do”.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:19 am

“You will ‘eventually’ get out of a relationship what you are willing to give.” – Not necessarily true. One party can give and give, with the other one merely taking and taking. If the partner is really selfish, at some point it will become even more lopsided and the gaps in the relationship are now filled with resentment. Communication and respect are the keys to a healthy marriage and a fulfilling sex life.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
10:19 am

Morning,

I’m with Simple Man and Mo, I’m going to lurk cause really this has been said a hundred times. Don’t get me wrong, some nice posts today but really either you’re on one side of the coin or the other.

Derby

February 10th, 2011
10:20 am

Raqi V @ 9:51…… That was beautiful! And something that I can apply to my marriage. Thank You.

I do have a question for everyone….Can past hurt kill passion?

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
10:21 am

Leggs – Cosign your 10:19…some folks are just selfish. You can give and give and give and never get because they believe that’s how it should be. IMO, in order to get what you give, both parties would be have to be willing givers.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:21 am

If you get your ideas for romance and sex from mushy movies and porn and base your own interactions with your mate on that. You are setting yourself up for failure.

Gunluvr

February 10th, 2011
10:23 am

All of this stuff is BS to me. I’ve been married for almost 20+ years and I could care less about “love” and romance. Early on in marriage and dating everything is lust; love may be incidental and if it develops later all the better but IMO all that matters in a marriage is providing a stable home to live in and procreate. All of the “romantic” and emotional notions that are constantly attached to having a successful marriage are facile and based on an unrealistic model in the mind of deluded people.

I’ll take a long term and loveless marriage any day vs the shame of a divorce based on “irreconcilable” differences. I know this because my parents and grand parents are failures in marriage; they were selfish and they violated their marriage vows and I have little sympathy for them or anyone else who gets divorced because they’ve “grown apart”; infidelity is the only exception.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:23 am

Marriage is the scariest thing I have ever done. To many unknowns but it is worth the risks involved.

alibel

February 10th, 2011
10:23 am

“Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.” ~ Anais Nin

We have to recommit, every day, to our partner. When in an “argument”, focus on communication openly on both sides, it’s about understanding. If it’s ever about being Right, there’s collapse. And when arguing, ask yourself this: “How important is it?” – if your partner were killed in an accident that afternoon would it really matter to you what part of the toothpaste tube they squeezed?
Being present, loving, compassionate. One day at a time.

i disagree with the poster who said “A successful marriage requires two selfless people who focus on the needs of each other, rather than their own needs.” A successful marriage incorporates both partner’s needs (note: this doesn’t mean wants/desires). To overlook yourself and your own needs only leads to resentment later. We all have needs, and the more we practice self-care, the more we can care for others.

For me, a successful marriage/partnership/relationship is when the whole is greater than the sum of it’s parts. 2+2=5

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:25 am

I thought I was a male neanderthal, LOL gunlvr thank you for letting me know there are men out there with more jacked up views than me. LOL

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
10:26 am

Too many unknowns

PR, This is what scares me too……….

Derby

February 10th, 2011
10:26 am

Leggs- One party can give and give, with the other one merely taking and taking. If the partner is really selfish, at some point it will become even more lopsided and the gaps in the relationship are now filled with resentment.

This is so true!

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:28 am

Princess, I am glad I am not a quitter because there have been times even this early on when I just wanted to leave. But this is new to me and I had to not be selfish and put stuff aside and check myself, dig in and work it out.

Notme

February 10th, 2011
10:29 am

Resentment over past inadequacies, needs not being met or points of view that are rediculed and rejected are probably the single biggest killer in relationships. Your view isn’t the end all, beat all nor are his. You may have to tone down your appetite while your partner needs to open up and try new things. Communication, needs being met and acceptability are like glue in a relationship. Sometimes, just act like a porn star, just because he wants it and guys act like a romantic fool just because she wants it. If you draw your own views as the only right ones, you are being foolish. My guy friends have said that a woman’s idea of a sex maniac is anyone that has and enjoys sex more than she does. I’m not one of them..

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:29 am

both parties would be have to be willing givers

Celisea, that goes without question. Why would anyone keep beating a dead horse?

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 10th, 2011
10:32 am

@Sassy

If a guy has had sex prior to 18, then yes, I can honestly speak for them.

My penultimate point was that guys learn that women want to feel desired, but (in the instances that I’ve heard of) some women forget that men like to feel desired as well.

After marriage, I don’t need to “chase” you. Should I show that I care in unique, kind, and attentive ways – yes; but I’m not “chasing” my wife. And I don’t expect her to chase me. But we both need to be willing to experience each other (physically and mentally) outside of the day-to-day of life.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:32 am

Dan, we are not just talking about just talking. You can to a person or you can talk at them.

And my hub and I talking about how high the darn gas bill has gotten is not intimate. When I say intimacy out of the bed room I mean he and I talking, laughing, sharing the way we did before marriage. We talked about ourselves, our desires and our expectations. You know the personal stuff. That’s what we do now. We were willing to spend time together before marriage that’s what we do now.

If my husband never had time for me no he cannot roll up on me and think Imma open up for him. If he closes me off from himself and his life, my legs will close also.

Just because two people exchange a few works does not make for an intimate exchange.

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
10:33 am

But this is new to me and I had to not be selfish and put stuff aside and check myself, dig in and work it out.

PR, working on that LOL.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
10:38 am

Hugging, kissing, holding hand outside of the times when you just want sex is passion and intimacy. If I never smell the faint hint of his cologne or he never tastes the flavor of lip gloss I am wearing that day expect to mount me then we are void of intimacy.

Now I got to go potty. It takes 3 minutes just to get unstrapped from all these wires. LOL

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:39 am

Princess, yep. LOL

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 10th, 2011
10:45 am

Raqi – Celisea, that goes without question. Why would anyone keep beating a dead horse?

I agree what you put in is what you get out….that’s a given with anything anywhere in life….hard worker reap benefits, diligent christians reap the reward of heaven, etc. Only though when dealing with people will you chance the possibility of not getting the same in return. I did a piggy back to Leggs who quoted what you said. And she’s right. Not everybody will be so willing to see your efforts and feel it’s only right to reciprocate. I think a person wears blinders to not believe or see just becuase you’re giving and willing everybody will automatically respond the same way.

AmazonRed™

February 10th, 2011
10:45 am

Leggs – I’m happy to report I had my first real lotto win. $100. :lol:

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
10:47 am

Princess, If I didn’t care…she would not get on my nerves so much. LOL

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Debi Levine and Wendy Rawley, Atlanta Real Time. Atlanta Real Time said: Scared of a marriage minus the passion?: I am fully aware that I can be a hopeless romantic at times. I’m not… http://dlvr.it/GDlkd [...]

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
10:51 am

Leggs, we are not saying different things re “what you get”. What I am saying is that if one does give and the other only takes, eventually the giver stops giving. This happened in my marriage. She had excuses, and was too proud to think she had to try also. Eventually I said why should I care and just to hellz with it. If BOTH parties are not trying and forgiving, then it WILL deteriorate to nothing.

Also, those little injustices that individually may be small, but stacked on top of each other become mountains. Been there done that.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 10th, 2011
10:51 am

@Raqi

I countered your hyperbole with somma my own.

Of course I talk to my lady, we.share.a.room (most nights). And yes, as banal as the conversations may get, the flip of her hair, the sound of her laugh, or the way she looks doing nothing make me whisper sweet nothings “out of nowhere” (as she likes to say).

So, yeah we talk, not it isn’t always romantic, but at least to this point, we each try to keep it keeping on.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
10:55 am

@ Not Me — good post. To succeed in marriage, and in professional life, one sometimes needs to check their pride and ego at the door…or keep your pride and ego and find out the pleasure of being alone and unemployed.

DJ Sniper

February 10th, 2011
10:59 am

Very good topic today. I’m not gonna lie; there have a been a couple of periods where the passion and what not was missing from my marriage, and a lot of it was my fault. I finally made the changes that needed to be made and things have been a lot better lately.

I’ve read where some of the ladies are asking the men if they are still doing the same things they were doing early on. I will admit that a lot of men do slack off in that dept, which causes the woman to not be as responsive when it comes to sex. On the flipside though, you also have to admit that there are some women who just shut down sexually, regardless of what the man is doing or not doing. These are the women who do what they need to do in order to get married, and once the vows are exchanged, they flip the switch.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
11:00 am

Enter your comments here

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:03 am

@ARed ~ Excellent! That’s is great! I stood there trying to think of a number of play. I didn’t play any. My car tag fell last night.

@RandyT ~ I gotcha. I’ve been there done that to. No t-shirt, but a few scratches left on my skull while trying to figure things out.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 10th, 2011
11:03 am

Arghh, the blog sensor hit me again.

I would submit that some people (notably some of the women in my past) have a distorted view of the definition of “giving”. Some think that being “gracious enough” to not point out ALL of the shortcomings of their partner, qualifies as giving and trying. Nope, ‘Giving means GIVING, not just allowing their partner to slide sometime”.

Nicole

February 10th, 2011
11:10 am

I have to be everything I want him to be. He can’t fill in my holes. He’s a man. Sometimes a totally different species than me so I respect that he may see things totally different than me.
8 years in and he’s the love of my life. http://www.mynewnormals.com

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
11:10 am

This is what scares me too……….

PrincessNik, I think we all have those concerns. It’s called the unknowns for a reason.

But you know what I am LEARNING? (Everyday is a new day of learning for me) I am learning to treat marriage as I have all other new and old endeavors and paths in my life. When it’s what I want I get in and give it my best. That’s all I can do.

Marriage takes a pretty big negative hit in comparison to all other areas in life. For some reason we tend to look for the fallout due to the unknowns going in more so than taking on a new job.

A new career choice or employment comes with the same unknowns that many can come with marriage or relationships but many give less credit to marriage. In fact so many work harder at a career or job than they do for their marriage.

So many take criticism easier from their team leader and colleagues than they do their own spouse.

If you know in order to better yourself at what you do for a living and be successful you have to be willing to face the unknowns and give your all and best, why not the same for your marriage. Your spouse is your team mate.

And you know having worked on a job for the number of years that I did, the work place has bigger obstacles to endure than a marriage. Politically correctness and all that corporate red tapes do not step foot in this house. LOL

Now I have been “sexually harassed” here a few times but I like the one doing the harassing. LOL

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:13 am

@Nicole ~ his job may not be to fill in those holes, but he can definitely waterproof them so no seepage is allowed. That should be one of his roles, that of protector.

Raqi V

February 10th, 2011
11:17 am

And I have stated here many, many times my marriage is not all Sundays and sunshine. We have our rainy days and our storms but I do know that it doesn’t do either of us any good dwelling on the bad and negative.

It was cloudy yesterday but I knew the sun would shine as it is today. I felt a little under weather physically yesterday but I knew as in the past once that ill feeling passed I would feel better.

That’s how I have learned to look at marriage and everything else in life. No need to roll over and die because things aren’t as you wish at that present time.

I have seen happy marriages and I do believe it’s possible because it’s a union created by The Almighty.

I just refuse to be negative. My marriage may end though I pray and hope it doesn’t but I refuse to take the negative road right now while in it.

Now back to passion in marriage. That’s what the topic is about anyway. Not marriage in general.

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
11:18 am

If you know in order to better yourself at what you do for a living and be successful you have to be willing to face the unknowns and give your all and best, why not the same for your marriage. Your spouse is your team mate.

:idea: great advice Raqi

PrincessNik

February 10th, 2011
11:24 am

Raqi

SO told me the other night “when are you going to accept that I’m not going to always do things exactly the way you want them done”

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 10th, 2011
11:26 am

@PrincesNik ~ I think that’s something all men say to their mates (lol).