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Their dating mistakes, but do you pay the price?

I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said “I don’t think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.”  This is especially true when we think about how little we knew about love, sex, and relationships before compared to what we know now! Would you say that you are smarter now?

Of course,  there are relationship lessons that some people refuse to learn. It sort of has this butterfly effect that can actually effect other people. I know I’ve been stuck on stupid before and it probably turned into a train wreck for someone else.

I’m sure that some poor soul has had to pay the price of bad decisions made by somebody else.  A cheating wife or girlfriend has made some guy super paranoid or bitter.  A possessive or jealous man has turned a once free spirited woman into a guarded person that doesn’t let anyone in.

Do you think that your dating mistakes has caused another person to endure challenges?

Do you ever feel as if you are paying the relationship price of somebody else and their mistakes?

Does this ever happen in a good way? Do you reap the benefits of someone’s hard work from your significant other’s previous relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

309 comments Add your comment

ndivhu

February 8th, 2011
8:34 am

i like layds

ndivhu

February 8th, 2011
8:34 am

Enter your comments here

ndivhu

February 8th, 2011
8:36 am

Enter your comments here ndi ri ndi funa vhasadzi nga mbulu yanga wee

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
8:37 am

Sure, it’s called baggage. Everyone has it. I know that some of the retarded sh!t my ex wife put me through has affected other women. I try to recognize the cause and affect and improve myself. I try to only carry at most an overnight bag.

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
8:39 am

how many million people in this city and I have to post behind a tard?

Lady

February 8th, 2011
8:59 am

YAK- too funny! -I try to only carry at most an overnight bag. -how many million people in this city and I have to post behind a tard?

q1

February 8th, 2011
9:04 am

Now i have been dating for some time. A few decades. I am looking for the quintesential woman, attractive, rich, and that is about it. Have I set my standards to high? Of course, i am not perfect, should I lower my standards and look for someone sort of ordinary, but has a warm passionate inner self? I am not getting any younger[in my 70s] should i speed it up a little? I will ask my PT.

LeeH1

February 8th, 2011
9:41 am

Even worse than learning from your own mistakes, is learning from other people. There are so many horror stories out there, many of them not true, that many women firmly believe and try to prevent. Talk about baggage!

If every man is a predator, how well do you have to know a man to let your guard down, and to stop looking for clues to his evil nature?

Paranoid women are not good dates, and I frequently drop ‘em.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
9:44 am

Good early morning to all.

What’s happening to the blog participation? Did my memo get lost in the mail that the party is over? LOL

I know for a fact that a man or two paid for my broken heart. And I know that a man is very much benefiting from lessons learned. And a few ‘tricks’ learned. :wink:

I can name a few dating occasions where I was very much aware that I was sitting across from a man that had experienced his heart being snatched from his chest and handed to him in his hand.

We have to grow from those incidents of hurt and despair. If you never grow then you will never to better or differently. That growing process is a learning process. We learn from our experiences and mistakes. ‘Life is a teacher by experiences. Speculation is the entertainment of fools.’ ~ Jorge

Just like we learn what not to do from the past we also get to learn what to do.

I have said many times that while I endured some hurt it made me a better person in the end. It made me more aware and touch me to pay attention and chose better.

And then in all of how great we may feel that we are, it’s exceptionally fulfilling to get with a person that makes you want to be an even better person.

I had things already moving in a good/better direction when I started dating the hub. Life had forced it on me. But getting with and being with him has made me what to do even more. Be more. Experience more. I know that I do the same for him. His has not neglected to let that be known.

Yeah we still have our moments. Every day is not Sunday. But at some point in time, like WiseDiva stated, we all should learn better and do better.

[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Chris Ties and Marissa Alexander, Downtown Atlanta. Downtown Atlanta said: Their dating mistakes, but do you pay the price?: I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said “I don’t think much of a… http://dlvr.it/G4Rc4 [...]

For Real

February 8th, 2011
9:58 am

On topic: Everybody plays the fool at least once in their life. The key is not to assume the role of victim as your defense. See your mistakes, own up to them, and then forgive yourself. See the other person’s mistakes, acknowledge them, and then forgive them. Once you do that you free yourself to move on. Like my paw-paw use to say “Boy! Lookin back gon cause you to run into somethem”

Raqi: This is one for you: http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/manhattan/padma_lakshmi_adam_dell_fight_over_hdpkgxc35ir0KId4IVUA4K

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
9:59 am

Hi WD, Raqi, All…

The biggest casualty of relationships is the capacity to open up and be vulnerable in a relationship after one has circled the block a few (or a bunch in my case) times. Whether it is me, you, or any partner, we all have a tendency to put another row of bricks on that wall that we build arround us after each involvement. So my take is…

“Do you ever feel as if you are paying the relationship price of somebody else and their mistakes?”

ALWAYS!!!!! Let’s face it, most of us walked away, were kicked to the curb, or run over by a freight train in the past. That eventually often results in being jaded, overly cautious, and just plain scared if we are truly honest. These events color the way we approach new relationships (both parties) and frankly cause trouble pretty often…and it gets worse as the parties age because there are more experiences to draw red flags from.

Does this ever happen in a good way? Do you reap the benefits of someone’s hard work from your significant other’s previous relationship?

Seldom. Pluses…better, much more experienced lover because of the different experiences perhaps (hopefully). Minuses…become hardened and it gets harder and harder to allow vulnerability.

Sometimes, frankly, maybe being in a relationship just seems like too much work. Not good.

big meech

February 8th, 2011
10:07 am

my last date was raped repeatedly by her ex and his friends. when i tried to rape her, she pepper sprayed me.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
10:11 am

@ For Real

“Once you do that you free yourself to move on”. Absolutely

“Like my paw-paw use to say “Boy! Lookin back gon cause you to run into somethem” I like that. Will put it in my “remember this” file ;-)

Kat

February 8th, 2011
10:15 am

Diva: “…can actually effect other people.” It should be affect, as it is used as a verb. Grammatical mistakes affect my love life, but the effect is minimal.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
10:17 am

Good morning.

I was told last night that my wall is 2 high up, but he’s going to try to make me his woman then wife! This is coming my ex-husband. I politely told him that I don’t backtrack and I have no intention of dating him. Wished him well in his quest for love, but it won’t be with me.

I say all that to say that RandyT is right :arrow: “See your mistakes, own up to them, and then forgive yourself. See the other person’s mistakes, acknowledge them, and then forgive them.” Then, you K.I.M. No need to ignore someone who has their attention on you. Most miss the well once the water runs dry, but it’s not just one person’s fault. It’s only your fault if you let yourself fall victim to the same BS because someone is nice in the beginning when they’re trying to get at you! More than likely no one changes, just the way they play the game! Dating sucks, but it’s one of our many necessary evils!

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
10:19 am

Some folks need to walk around with a warning label that reads “You should be better protected from mayhem like me.”

I know, I’ve run into a few of them. Fortunately, lessons learned and when I encountered behavior that is unacceptable, I moved quickly in the other direction.

I consciously work to not make TheDude pay the price of the sins of others. Not always so easy. But, I have stopped *looking* for/expecting bad behavior from him and now, trust him enough to believe that he is who he says he is and who he has demonstrated himself to be through his actions and his consistency.

Kym

February 8th, 2011
10:21 am

Good Morning All,

I agree with Raqi and Randy and For Real(Three R’s). I know there are a few hell-bent hearts that left me bitter as all get out. Bitter is allowed when you are hurt..but as time moves on so should those bitter feelings..its called growth and change. When you know better you hope to try and do better..doesn’t mean you won’t run into the same joker with a different name..but because of the previous lesson, hopefully you will see thru the foolishness.

abc

February 8th, 2011
10:21 am

Of course, most everything you do affects other people, in all walks of life, not just dating. The question is, do you care about the effect you have on others, or not? For the most part, people who don’t care about the effects they leave behind are the ones that cause damage.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
10:23 am

Morning,

I’m sure I’ve paid for someone’s mistakes and can confirm I’ve made someone pay for somebody else’s. Even so, it’s a part of life and living and the growing process. I’d say it’s unfair to the other party but it’s almost inevitable….at some point. After you’ve gotten a couple of years of experience in tow and better at navigating relationships, something is wrong if you find yourself in a constant cycle of replay. For Real I like this…. “Like my paw-paw use to say “Boy! Lookin back gon cause you to run into somethem So true. Forgive, forget and move on and don’t look back. Better things are always ahead of you.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
10:26 am

This is coming my ex-husband

Leggs, I don’t know the whole situation and imagine your feelings are very much warranted. However, you wouldn’t get back with your ex-husband? You know if he was worth getting back with. We are not talking some guy that you just dated or had a relationship with but his man was your husband and is the father of your child.

IMO, not that you asked for it, a slightly different set of rules apply on backtracking when it comes to ex-spouses. It wouldn’t be back tracking but rather finding a way and reason to continue the vows that you once made. But that’s just my opinion based on unstated beliefs that I have.

Remember I said if he was worth getting back with.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
10:27 am

”Some folks need to walk around with a warning label that reads “You should be better protected from mayhem like me.”

LOL SexyCool, excellent reference. I love those commercials.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
10:29 am

ForReal, we will talk about that article later. I have been sitting up for almost an hour and I am getting ready to lay down for my 30 minutes mandatory rest time. I can’t type while laying down. LOL

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
10:31 am

I have a buddy that married the same girl twice. He was an idiot both times, IMO. But seriously? Marrying someone again after it didn’t work out the first time? That’s just too lazy to put it out there and find someone new. Again…IMO.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
10:33 am

Me too, Rock. TheDude and I *love* the one where he is the GPS system.
“Recalculating…….Turn left NOW!!!”

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:33 am

Hey lets not forget there are two sides to a breakup and not everyone experiences those hurt feelings mentioned on the blog.

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:38 am

“a slightly different set of rules apply on backtracking when it comes to ex-spouses. It wouldn’t be back tracking but rather finding a way and reason to continue the vows that you once made.” – Is not backtracking only and ONLY IF the old person life and your life meet at a new point in both of your lives.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
10:39 am

Good morning!

It’s nothing worse than being the innocent recipient of someone else’s baggage. Bitter is a really ugly trait. I understand it. I’ve suffered much heartache and disappointment. A lot of it I brought on myself by sticking around long after the expiration date and things had not only gone stale, but developed a layer of mold!LOL!!! I learned some lessons the hard way. But one thing I did do right was not rush into new relationships before I got past what happened in the old one. And yes, sometimes that took months and even years. I waited almost 2 years after my last relationship broke up before meeting and agreeing to date my fiance’.

Acknowlege your part, your mistakes, forgive not only yourself but the other person and then, please, for your sake and others, MOVE ON!

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
10:41 am

For Real – your 1033a makes it seem as if there are people who have never experienced any kind of hurt feelings caused by a relationship.

That….seems highly unlikely.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
10:41 am

@Raqi V ~ No, I wouldn’t get back with my ex-husband for any reason, not sickness, nor if he won the lottery, not for any reason. He’s a much better friend than a husband. I know how selfish he can be, will be. Leopards can’t change their spots. They just sneer and grin before they pounce.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
10:43 am

Hey lets not forget there are two sides to a breakup and not everyone experiences those hurt feelings mentioned on the blog.

More than likely those are the ones needing the warning labels…LOL

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:44 am

“For the most part, people who don’t care about the effects they leave behind are the ones that cause damage.” – I have to disagree. Damage will be caused regardless on of intent because someone has just realized they are not going to get what they want/deserve/need from another person. And like my paw-paw use to say “Boy! A punch in the eye don’t hurt iffin you don’t let him hit you”

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
10:45 am

Leggs – Rock pretty much stated my line of thinking on this. If you know without a doubt that there has been little to no change/growth in the reasons that caused your break-up, then no, I would refrain from entertaining a return to the relationship as well.

However, if he could be a *changed* man…….well………you know they say, “The devil you know is better than the one you don’t.”

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:49 am

Scool/Celisea: Y’all reading too much into my 10:33 post. I’m just simply stating that someone has to do the breaking of a relationship and they may feel it was the best thing for them to do so that they will not suffer any hurt feelings. Now, I’m sure everyone has ended a relationship or two at some point in their lives. Does that mean you should have a warning label attached to you?

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
10:49 am

Okay…well…your 1041a answered that. (lol)

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:52 am

“I am getting ready to lay down for my 30 minutes mandatory rest time.” – In the words of Stewie: Stewie Griffin: Raqi! Raqi! Raqi! Raqi! Raqi! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Momma! Momma! Momma!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
10:53 am

Everyone you interact with is affected by your past experiences, and you are affected by theirs. Also, it’s not only the dating experiences of the other person that affect your interaction with them. It’s the sum total of their experiences that impact you. I’d say that childhood and family experiences are probably even more impactful than recent dating experiences.

For Real

February 8th, 2011
10:56 am

DM: Let me add this; It’s the things, people and events that one places value on that has an impact on their lives.

Oh and did you read that article I posted for Raqi?

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
10:58 am

For Real, no I get where you was going. I was kidding sorta kinda.

abc

February 8th, 2011
11:00 am

In cases of breakups, I see your point, For Real. Chances are it’s one person that wants out and the other then being dumped. However nicely or not nicely it happens, dumped is dumped.

But, what about a person that treats others by a set of rules they formulated due to having to deal with an ex? Everyone does that to some extent. It might be a chick that figures all men cheat; a guy who figures women lie as a normal course of life; someone may assume that every commentary is criticism. If you go dumping on people due to whatever baggage like that you carry along with you, then you’re not taking their feelings into consideration, and damage ensue. Sometimes just minor damage, but it’s cumulative.

Me, for instance, with the all chicks lie thing. The only place I state that so plainly is here. It’s something I really believe, but out in the real world, I neither burden others with the idea, nor incur their wrath upon having to admit I’m right. :-)

Mo (aka Moeisha)

February 8th, 2011
11:01 am

Morning All!

Leggs – I agree with you! I wouldnt back track either. I get along very well with my ex however I like how we get along now waaaay to much to want to ‘backtrack’. He’s a good dude but we arent good together.

kimmie – “Acknowlege your part, your mistakes, forgive not only yourself but the other person and then, please, for your sake and others, MOVE ON!” ^^5

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
11:06 am

Real I read that article. That’s a dammmmm shame. She poured salt in wound every way she could. Giving the daughter other dude’s middle name even when she knew Dell was the pops. Happens everyday though to dudes without the resources or know-how to fight it.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
11:08 am

Well…seems as if Dell is certainly paying the price. Wow!

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
11:09 am

“He’s a good dude but we arent good together.”

Most definitely. Not sure if this makes sense to any of you, but this divorce has made him a much better father. Could be because he doesn’t see her everyday, but more like 3-4x a week. Whatever reason, she’s benefitting!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
11:09 am

The only place I state that so plainly is here.
abc How do you broach the subject with your wife? Is that “baggage” that affects your marriage?

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
11:09 am

Leggs – I don’t think a lot of people really change their core character much. I think they just get old. Time catches up to them. Anyway, I’ve said before, go rehabilitate with someone else. Life is too precious for me to be the guinea pig in your experiment.

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 8th, 2011
11:11 am

There’s bitter and there’s the definition of insanity “doing the same thing over…”

Part of getting into something with someone else is finding out about their past. And if this person has lived and not learned from their mistakes, then that tells me that I need to be out. If she can’t grow from her mistakes, then she (over course him too) isn’t able to move forward. And until that happens….

In other news, Dan passed the test, he is now a fully commissioned Examiner – with job security.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
11:11 am

Re: “a slightly different set of rules apply on backtracking when it comes to ex-spouses. It wouldn’t be back tracking but rather finding a way and reason to continue the vows that you once made.”

I have had two long term relationships end because of this…both got the guilt trip laid on them at Christmas (for the kids sake of course). One admitted several years later that she wasted three years of her life going back to her ex…thought he had changed (yeah right, of course he had).

I am now looking for widows and orphans…don’t want exes OR in-laws from now on :-0

Kym

February 8th, 2011
11:14 am

Okay so Mr. Dell is the daddy..but apparently Mr. Ted has bigger pockets and wants to be the daddy..so they are cutting Mr. Dell out. Is Mr. Dell paying child support? or is the issue just custody?

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
11:17 am

Congrats Dan on your accomplishment!!