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Their dating mistakes, but do you pay the price?

I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said “I don’t think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.”  This is especially true when we think about how little we knew about love, sex, and relationships before compared to what we know now! Would you say that you are smarter now?

Of course,  there are relationship lessons that some people refuse to learn. It sort of has this butterfly effect that can actually effect other people. I know I’ve been stuck on stupid before and it probably turned into a train wreck for someone else.

I’m sure that some poor soul has had to pay the price of bad decisions made by somebody else.  A cheating wife or girlfriend has made some guy super paranoid or bitter.  A possessive or jealous man has turned a once free spirited woman into a guarded person that doesn’t let anyone in.

Do you think that your dating mistakes has caused another person to endure challenges?

Do you ever feel as if you are paying the relationship price of somebody else and their mistakes?

Does this ever happen in a good way? Do you reap the benefits of someone’s hard work from your significant other’s previous relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

309 comments Add your comment

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
1:17 pm

This I know, some of the things that an ex did to me, TheDude has done to someone else. However, MY concern is that he has learned from past mistakes and that he does not do those things to ME.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
1:21 pm

4Real – I read it, I just disagree. And it’s not falling for okie doke. You accept a person, faults and all. The difference is your ex did those things to YOU. You can accept and forgive your ex and not decide to get back with them. Whereas, a new person as a human being made those mistakes with someone else, before me.

You all know where I am coming from. I just disagree.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:22 pm

Kimmie, stop it. I like talking to you so you keep me responding. LOL

but decide someone else is more deserving of devoting your life to

I agree with that. But I still say that the new one that you get with is not free of his own past faults and wrong doings. We all have and will view the new as the next best thing since boxed apple pie, but the truth is somewhere out there somebody wants them dead. LOL

And again I am not, in no way saying just because a person is your ex should be willing to take them back. Heck if would rather lay down with lions than to have anything to do with my son’s father again.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
1:22 pm

SCool – You get it!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
1:23 pm

yet so many believe the new woman. LOL At least with the old would be able to spot that iffy behavior early on.
Raqi Having actually been with the old one, I am qualified to make an assertion about whether or not I believe they have changed…based on what I truly know about them. I can’t make an assertion either way about the new person because I don’t know them, yet I have to date, so I have to make a choice. Go back to the person I believe hasn’t changed or start anew with someone whose change I can neither confirm nor deny. The new person seems like a less risky investment, with potential for greater return, whereas you know the old person is a loss from the very beginning. lol

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:24 pm

kimmie, will you please stop talking. LOL

The difference is your ex did those things to YOU.

And what makes you better than the other woman you ex without a doubt did it to? Just kidding.

Now hush and let me go sleep.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:25 pm

“…Whereas, a new person as a human being made those mistakes with someone else, before me.”

Exactly. Now, if you begin to notice that this new person is doing the same thing that bothered you that your ex was doing, then you are the fool if you stay and tolerate. I won’t play the fool twice! And, I won’t stay around for years giving you a chance to change. As the old adage goes, “you live and you learn!”

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:26 pm

TheDude has done to someone else

SexyCool, exactly. Ain’t brand new going on in our 30’s, 40’s and 50’s.

You know I like talking to you too. Now you can’t say anything else until I shut this computer off.

5…4…3…2…(poof)

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
1:29 pm

The difference is your ex did those things to YOU.
This goes back to my 1:02pm and forgiveness.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
1:30 pm

And…in order for me to get with an ex, I would have to forgive him for those things that have occurred between us in the past and truly believe that he would not do those things again.

THAT is a much harder sell because he has already DEMONSTRATED that he WILL hurt me…as opposed to a new suitor who I must realize that while he has the POTENTIAL to hurt me, I can only hope that he does not ACT on that potential with me like he did with the last chick.

However, in taking an ex back, you at least know WHERE he has the capacity to screw up as opposed to a new suitor who could bring you a-whole-nother set of problems and type of pain.

(Obviously, I am seeing both sides of this….lol)

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:31 pm

@DreamsM ~ you can forgive, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can reconcile.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
1:35 pm

you can forgive, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you can reconcile.
Leggs actually the point of my 1:02pm was that in order to reconcile, you must forgive, but that no such requirement for forgiveness is there for a new person because they haven’t actually done anything to you.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
1:35 pm

Great discussion….I’m coming out of a meeting so I’ll lurk but great comments from all

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
1:35 pm

All this talking about getting back together with ex’s is making me ill. I wouldn’t get back with mine if the species was depending on it.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
1:38 pm

YAK – I have an ex that I feel exactly the same way about.

However, when it comes to my ex-husband, if the right circumstances would have presented themselves, he is someone that I would have considered giving another chance.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:43 pm

@DreamsM ~ of couse. If you plan to reconcile you must forgive. I get that. But, even if you don’t plan on reconciling, you still must forgive in order to move on with you own life and not wind up like Stanley Q swears most of us will wind up…an old lady sitting at home hording cats!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
1:46 pm

Leggs
Yes, forgiveness is a requirement for your ex, but you have nothing to forgive the new person for. That’s the difference. You HAVE to forgive your ex (whether you reconcile or not), but there is not such requirement for the new person. That’s a MAJOR difference between the two.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:57 pm

And by the way you still have a choice, you SHOULD forgive your ex whether you reconcile or not but you DON’T HAVE TO.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:58 pm

Sorry, meant you don’t have to if you’re not going to reconcile. You can continue in life mad at him and wasting all that energy. It’s your choice. But, yes you have to forgive in order to reconcile.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
2:02 pm

Yeah..no…when it comes to Shthead, I have no forgiveness for him. And I’m completely okay with that.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
2:05 pm

There is a lot of talk on here that “I would never get back with my ex” (and I wouldn’t, but can be friendly and sociable), HOWEVER!!! for the record, BOTH!!! of the ladies I was with swore they would never go back with their exes under any circumstances either…and they did when the calls started coming.

My point is that I believe that some (women particularly) are more susceptible to the ex saying “Honey, I’m not the same man you were married to” and they swallow it hook, line, and sinker…especially when the ex brings up how “the children need their family back together”.

Re foregiveness. Forgiveness is the greatest liberator TO YOU. When you forgive, you take away the other’s power over you…and that is why it is important. What I did was recommended to me by Andy Stanley at North Point Church. He said to think of it as a debt they can’t and won’t ever repay to you, like a bad loan at a bank. What the bank does is say, “debt cancelled, you don’t owe me anymore”. When I said that in my mind to my ex(es) and my ex in-laws, they no longer had ANY control over me. Best thing I ever did and as stupid as it sounds, it actually works. I get along fine with them, and can smile my azz off when I leave family events because they are obviously scratching their heads wondering if they were wrong about yours truly.

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
2:08 pm

Mine did such horrible things to me and the kids. I find comfort in knowing that she has to live with harself as someone that would do those things.

Fion

February 8th, 2011
2:14 pm

As I said last week, Love is the best thing since Air.
Rightly or wrongly, relationships don’t begin they way that they end. When you met that person the joy and euphoria you felt was beyond belief.
Be thankful for Love. Be grateful that you have experienced the human condition that altered you to the fact that you are alive.

“Truly it is better to have Loved and lost than to have never Loved at all.”

…….and oh yeah, if you don’t think so, maybe you never loved or have been Loved.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
2:15 pm

@RandyT ~ those ladies were lying to you and to themselves. Some of us know the truth and it keeps us knowing the REAL DEAL. No turning back. It simply doesn’t work for everyone! Only us diehards that wound up truly with dickheads!

“Forgiveness is the greatest liberator TO YOU.” That is why I say it’s important in order for YOU to move on in life. I couldn’t let another have control of my emotions and thoughts. It was up to me to liberate myself in all aspects. Have you noticed that it’s hard to smile and laugh while you’re bitter? What a waste spending negative thought and time on another. Hell, get a voodoo doll, stick pins in it every night, every morning and move on (if that will help).

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:16 pm

If you don’t know how to forgive you don’t know how to love. You can’t have one without the other, still don’t be a fool though. Some folks are just jilted and bring havoc on some in their future who could be good for them. And for a man to always talk about what his ex did for him is gayer than a dude posting a pic he took of himself in a bathroom mirror on Facebook. LOL

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
2:19 pm

I have moved on quite well. I just actively choose not to forgive this particular individual for his actions towards me. It does not keep me bound in that place. It just is what it is. I don’t think enough of him to forgive him.

Yeah…I know, just about everyone believes that I am injuring myself by refusing him forgiveness. I see it another way. In this particular instance, I am empowering myself with my choice to leave this barrier in its place.

Fion

February 8th, 2011
2:20 pm

I meant ……condition that alerted you to

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
2:20 pm

Oh…and please know that I understand that he could give a flying phck about me forgiving him or not.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:23 pm

SexyCool that could be used as motivation so not forgiving is not always a bad thing. What did he do to you?

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:27 pm

gayer than a dude posting a pic he took of himself in a bathroom mirror on Facebook.
hahahahahahahahahahaha Is it gayer than that same dude singing a song with Freddie Jackson and Elton John, while getting their backs rubbed by Gianni Versace? LOL

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
2:28 pm

@SexyC ~ I agree with PR. It can be a motivator, it happens.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:29 pm

Dreams, I don’t think anything is gayer than what you described. LOL

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
2:34 pm

The forgiveness in my *Shthead Experience* was the need to forgive MYSELD for staying longer than I should have, for making the decision to remain in a situation when ALL signs pointed me out the door, for wanting to be in relationship more than I cherished my peace of mind, for staying and allowing myself to be lied to and cheated on repeatedly, for wallowing in stupidity for an extended period of time.

That’s where my forgiveness comes in…I take total responsibility for remaining in a bad situation and it took me a WHILE to let it go and forgive MYSELF…so my forgiveness is not for what HE did to ME, but for what I did to MYSELF.

I think back and I still smh at mydamnself.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
2:34 pm

There’s somebody to be said about time and the longer you live past something, without any effort of your own, wounds heal. I know I’ve hated somethng awful. But if you find 10 years later you still harbor hate, I’d venture to say that’s an effort on your part and no longer the hate or ill feelings you initially felt as a result of ending badly. Naturally and as with all internal organs, the heart too will heal on it’s own. Even when you get with someone else, as the old cliche would indicate, no one makes you heal or get over. Someone else could be considered a distraction but not a heart healer. That’s God’s design…for the body (every organ) emotionally and physically to mend back to it’s natural state…hate isn’t it.

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
2:36 pm

something…not somebody…for real ya’ll I was typing an email, on a call and typing my entry

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
2:38 pm

Hey Leggs

Yeah. When you allow anger to control you, you are allowing (fill in the blank azzhole) to control you. Why give them that kind of power?Me, I’m pretty mellow about past involvements (door locks behind me, but still mellow). Mellow is good. An ulcer is often caused “not what you, but what is eating you”. I figure in my job, “I was looking for a job when I found this one”, I figure in my relationships the same as my skydiving, “I made it to the ground before, I can do it again”…

As the famed author/writer/philospher Alfred E. Newmann once said, “why worry”. ;-)

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
2:40 pm

@SexyC ~ I remember at Thanksgiving about 4 years ago everyone was going around the table saying what they were most thankfuk for. When it was my turn, I said I was thankful for getting ME BACK TO ME! I can identify with everything in your post. I remember on my 5th wedding anniversary crying because I didn’t want to be married and deal with what I was dealing with. 7 years later I found myself crying in the bathroom again because I was so tired and fed up. A strange woman came out of the bathroom stall and asked what was wrong. I told her a little and she said “handle it or get out.” A year later, I got out! And, I worked on forgiving ME more than anyone!

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:41 pm

Alfred E Newman. LOL

Blackfoote

February 8th, 2011
2:52 pm

I had a date(I thought)with a girl who’s ex husband met me at the door to tell me he was home to be with his family again. Not to mention gal never told me she had plans to get back with her ex husband but what could I do nothing but respect what dude was saying as we stood in the doorway. Now less than a month later ole gal calls me again (why ?) saying he has left and this time it’s for good. My question is would anyone go back to that knowing what drama lies below. I Don’t blame you one bit Leggs I wouldn’t.

Purple Rain "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
2:53 pm

Blackfoote, it depends. LOL

Blackfoote

February 8th, 2011
2:57 pm

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
3:07 pm

Blackfoote – I mentioned earlier, more often than not, most of the time those “going back to ex” cases end up just like that! I understand the lure is there if you have kids. You want to try to give them a normal family life. If it’s a case where you were both very young and immature and a little time has passed and you’ve both matured, I could understand giving it a go.

Otherwise, let that ship sail.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
3:07 pm

@PR ~ just read your moniker. I’ll sign my name to the petition.

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
3:09 pm

“My question is would anyone go back to that knowing what drama lies below.”

How big a boy was he?

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
3:09 pm

Leggs – That was no way to live. Glad you got you back.

Leggs - "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
3:20 pm

Thanks, kimmie!

I’ll share this because the irony in it solidifies my thoughts and actions. I threatned divorce many times, and as time went by he knew I was serious. One day he came home after winning Cash 4 for $250 (I think for that amount cuz he’s always lying about money). Well, I was broke and asked if I could have some $$. We were already having lots of problems, but things were needed in the house (like more food). He gave me $10. I thought he was joking, and asked if he could give me some more. He said no, that’s it. He wanted to teach me a lesson like he tried on so many other occasions. I said ok, I have something for you too. I whistled the best I could and went upstairs. Came back and put the divorce filings in his hand and told him to take that to the bank! He was selfish and felt that since we were already on rocky ground, why should he help me in any form or fashion. Well, those papers definitely knocked the smirk off his face!

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
3:21 pm

Bloggers, we started the Free MMEELLOO petition yesterday…please join in on our crusade :)

MMEELLOO – You get back in, you better act right!

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
3:22 pm

Yeah no going back. Keep moving forward and meet new person who will add to your life while appreciating the value that you add to theirs.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
3:22 pm

Leggs, this is an honest question. Nothing catty to it. Did you truly not know all of that was in your husband before marrying him or did you see some of it but didn’t think it was that bad?

I know after the fact in my matter with my son’s father I could look back and see the signs of some things not being as they should were there. I closed my eyes to the subtle hints staring me in the face. I chose not to see.

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
3:22 pm

My apologies.

Just realized to my chagrin that I misspelled the name of one of the great thinkers of the 20th Century, Alfred E. Neuman (not Newmann). I probably learned more from his writings than I learned from my mother and stepfather combined when I was growing up.