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Their dating mistakes, but do you pay the price?

I think it was Abraham Lincoln that said “I don’t think much of a man who is not wiser today than he was yesterday.”  This is especially true when we think about how little we knew about love, sex, and relationships before compared to what we know now! Would you say that you are smarter now?

Of course,  there are relationship lessons that some people refuse to learn. It sort of has this butterfly effect that can actually effect other people. I know I’ve been stuck on stupid before and it probably turned into a train wreck for someone else.

I’m sure that some poor soul has had to pay the price of bad decisions made by somebody else.  A cheating wife or girlfriend has made some guy super paranoid or bitter.  A possessive or jealous man has turned a once free spirited woman into a guarded person that doesn’t let anyone in.

Do you think that your dating mistakes has caused another person to endure challenges?

Do you ever feel as if you are paying the relationship price of somebody else and their mistakes?

Does this ever happen in a good way? Do you reap the benefits of someone’s hard work from your significant other’s previous relationship?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

309 comments Add your comment

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
11:19 am

Dan, I know you’ve been prepping for this for a long time. Congrats, man!

abc

February 8th, 2011
11:19 am

In her case, it’s mostly a matter of refusing to talk about different things. So, I don’t ask. I figure if it’s that big a deal for her, that she’d either lie or not talk about it, then why bother asking. She’s aware of my attitude about it, same as I’m aware of hers. It’s okay with us.

Randy, the thing with widows, though, is that if and when problems arise, they use their widowhood as a mechanism to blame you for it. They (think they) know that they can have a successful relationship, due to their wonderful marriage, the demise of which is no fault of their own, so it must be your problem. It’s not a matter that can be properly addressed. If you try, you lose, no matter what. You can’t compete with a ghost.

PrincessNik

February 8th, 2011
11:20 am

When you know better you hope to try and do better..doesn’t mean you won’t run into the same joker with a different name..but because of the previous lesson, hopefully you will see thru the foolishness.

Kym I agree with that!

i>Everyone you interact with is affected by your past experiences, and you are affected by theirs. Also, it’s not only the dating experiences of the other person that affect your interaction with them. It’s the sum total of their experiences that impact you. I’d say that childhood and family experiences are probably even more impactful than recent dating experiences

Dreams M I totally agree with that.

Good Morning everyone!

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
11:20 am

O/T – $5 Movie night is back at MoviesATL at Camp Creek Pavillion.

SexyCool

February 8th, 2011
11:22 am

O/T – $5 Movie night is back at MoviesATL at Camp Creek Pavillion….Tuesday nights, that is.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
11:24 am

Randy – I had it happen to me once many years ago – dude I was seeing left to get back with baby mama. Of course it didn’t work out. But unlike him, I don’t backtrack. But I hear of that happening all the time – folks get guilted into trying to make another go of it with exes. I’ve only seen it work out maybe once.

I watched an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker a little while ago where a millionairess came to the agency to be fixed up. She was also a mother. They fixed her up with a nice guy and the date went very well. He wanted to see her again but she did not return his calls. She went back up to the agency and told them that she had decided to get back with her baby’s dadday. Why did she bother?

Randyt (aka "tired of this coolie work, need to get on a plane somewhere)

February 8th, 2011
11:26 am

@abc I have heard that. Wonder what is the answer? I’m just tired of the games. I have a two dogs, two refrigerators to keep my Dos Equis cold, a pool with nice chairs to sit with my Kindle in, a 60 in HD with a PS3…so what do I really need a woman for anyway other than to “put me in my place”? ;-)

Dan - Simply...Superior

February 8th, 2011
11:26 am

@SC/Kimmie – Thanks!

Simple Man!!!

February 8th, 2011
11:30 am

“so what do I really need a woman for anyway other than to “put me in my place”? ”
Randy, Maybe its just me, But I can think of a couple of things you could use a woman for…..

( OK…Back to Lurking)

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
11:36 am

Congratulations, Dan the Man! You’ve been wanting this. Pop your collar!

For Real

February 8th, 2011
11:40 am

Congrats Dan!!! Here take this brand new used bolla of Remy. I was holding it for you.

abc: I wise man not my paw-paw once said “Feeling are overrated”. Although I know the nice thing to do is to recognize someone else’s feeling but at what does the other person reconcile that what’s important to you is simply just not important to me and thus I have absolutely no feelings about it whatsoever?

Kym: Dell wants joint custody but ole girl is trying to cut him out altogether. Which goes back to my point of mandatory dna testing and proper IDing of the biological parents.

Randyt: Becareful of widows because they tend to hyper-romanticize their marriage and themselves. Orphans have more problems than the middle east.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
11:41 am

Celisea (free Me-Lo)

February 8th, 2011
11:56 am

Congrats Dan

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
11:56 am

Yeah I know I am late responding…

SexyCool, whoever came up with the idea of those commercial is genius. LOL

Leggs, I understand about your ex-husband. But I am asking is it merely because you were once married to him that makes him off limits forever.

What if it was a matter like a woman I used to work with where she and her husband just simply married too young? They married the day after he turned 18. They split two short years later and she says they both admit it was because they were too young. No infidelity or any other bads like that but just simply couldn’t make it stick due to immaturity on both of their parts.

What I am asking is why do you see getting back with your own ex-husband (not the bad you know, LOL) a bad thing? You are willing to get with someone else’s ex-husband, why not your own if he is worth being with?

Like folks make the statements of not entertaining or accepting sloppy seconds all the while bumping uglies with a guy or gal that is the “ex” of 3 other people.

I think my husband is the greatest but I do know there is a woman or two out there that would love to see him tarred, feathered and strung up by his balls.

Do you understand my question or am I wasting my time? LOL

Why is reconciliation looked at as a bad thing?

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
11:56 am

I am having a monte cristo sandwich for lunch I don’t know that is. LOL He just says I will like it. Being bed ridden takes having great trust in those that take care of you.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
11:57 am

Imma google it.

Simple Man!!!

February 8th, 2011
12:00 pm

Raqi, Let me ask a question…..

Hubby is a cheater and you find out…..You divorce, and over the course of say, 5 years he repents and begs your forgiveness….

Do you give in and give him another chance???

Kym

February 8th, 2011
12:05 pm

Monte Crisco is a great sandwhich..you will like it.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:05 pm

SimpleMan, I will remove his bat and balls and make him my slave for life. If he wants to come back under those conditions then he is welcomed.

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
12:07 pm

People don’t change. Ever. Forget all that psycho-babble booshid you hear on Doktor Pheel.

If someone was a big enough A$$hole to you once that you took the drastic action of divorce, then they’ll do it again. And if they or even you, were stupid enough to take the drastic action of divorce for no better reason than you were too young, maybe marriage isn’t for you. It’s really ok to not be married.

I paid hundred$ of thousand$ to end my first marriage. I’m not stupid enough to do it again.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:07 pm

Kym, I hope so. LOL

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
12:08 pm

“”I paid hundred$ of thousand$ to end my first marriage. I’m not stupid enough to do it again.”"
To the same woman, that is. I’m not completely damaged!

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:09 pm

Y’all Are, I understand what you are stating however how does that same attitude factor into divorced people getting remarried to someone new? Just for kicks answer that for me.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
12:11 pm

Why is reconciliation looked at as a bad thing?
Raqi It isn’t if you can TRULY reconcile. I think many are saying that they don’t believe people change all that much. If that’s true then reconciliation is impossible. I admit that I’m one to cut ties and never look back.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
12:15 pm

@Raqi V ~ not at all. That would make me a very shallow person if I’m not willing to get back with him only because I was married to him. He will forever be an ex because I know his ways, his sneakiness, his selfishness, his callousness, his lack of empathy, his spitefulness, his bitchiness, his “well, if I drop the ball I know you’ll handle it”…none of which will ever change therefore always making him unattractive to me. What stops me from going back is not because he’s my ex-husband, but more cuz he’s my ex-jerk. Like kimmie has stated, a person’s “core character” usually doesn’t change. He can put a bandaid on things giving the appearance that things are better. I know better, they won’t be, they can’t be. As long as I know this and believe this, I’m good and comfortable with right where I am = his ex!

You ask “why not your own if he is worth being with?” He’s not worth being with, but my daughter is worth knowing her father and being around her father. He’s a good person, just a lousy husband. There’s a big difference that I learned the hard way. I’m around him as much as I am for her sake! My relationship with him is irreparable. It’s one facet of my job to make sure their relationship continues and strive. It’s part of both of our responsibilities. And, there’s no guarantee I’m getting with some else’s ex-husband. I may meet someone who has never married. It is possible! :wink:

(And, I found out most of these character flaws after we got married. You see, he turned out to be one of those who changed when we got the marriage certificate.)

Y'all Are Kids

February 8th, 2011
12:17 pm

Just because someone is not compatible for someone else, doesn’t mean they are incompatible to you. Everybody is different and what doesn’t work together for one, may work for another…Otherwise I’d have gone through something like, 50 virgins looking for someone that can tolerate me.

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
12:18 pm

To some, that’s a freaking powerful piece of paper!

For Real

February 8th, 2011
12:20 pm

Raqi: I understand what you are saying but your focus is off. If reconciliation is still on the table then neither party has learned anything and most def hasn’t move on. In order to consider someone old again both parties must be in a new place in their life. If the reason for not entertaining someone old again is because of the past, I submit that neither party has moved on because they are both looking at each other thru the glasses of the past. The one that wants to reconnect is looking at the good of the past and the one that does want to reconnect is looking at the bad of the past.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:22 pm

Think about. You are willing to trust a woman (or man) that is divorced, to have learned and bettered themselves that you know less about than you know about your ex spouse. You can only trust what the new person is saying how the fallout with their ex happened and that they are now a good and/or better person. However with your ex you already know them and how they deal, therefore you have personal insight into them having gotten better or not.

I just find it ironic that so many are willing to deal with other people’s exes that confess to have made mistakes in the past but is now better but they won’t give their own the same allowance.

I am not saying anyone should lay down, be a doormat and take getting trampled on. Hell if I see you imma hit your with a brick. I am just saying I have never really understood people that dotes on not giving an ex a second chance but will give someone else’s ex a second chance with them.

And again I am not saying except bullsh!t from anyone. I am talking about a person that has truly changed. Yall grown, yall know what I mean.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:28 pm

He just brought the baby up with her food so Imma chat as long as I can until mine get here.

I think many are saying that they don’t believe people change all that much.

Okay DreamsMat, you first. If people don’t change do you only date relationship “virgins”? That next woman that you get with is someone’s ex. Speak to her ex I bet he can write a novelette about her bads. And like I said I bet she will tell you about some mistakes she made herself. But you accept her change. Why not your ex’s?

Yall do know I am just passing time because sitting here all day time seems to stop. LOL However my statements are somewhat in line with how I truly feel and believe.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:33 pm

What stops me from going back is not because he’s my ex-husband

Leggs, that ^ answered my question. That’s why I said forget about your ex and his bads and just focus on what I am asking about an EX. Many have stated that their ex’s are off limits simply because they were together and are no longer. Yet they freely get with other people ex’s whom some have a more tainted past than theirs.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:33 pm

Hold on ForReal. I gotta eat. LOL

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
12:34 pm

I am just saying I have never really understood people that dotes on not giving an ex a second chance but will give someone else’s ex a second chance with them.

Raqi – Pretty much everyone is someone’s ex, whether married or not. Unless Leggs & her ex were each other’s first and high school sweethearts, they were someone’s ex. I know that might sound nitpicky, but that’s the only way I can look at your above statement and understand the rationale. Plus, just because a couple married does not mean they should have or were right for each other.

Another thing, you really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors with people. The stuff Leggs described about her husband on here may pale in comparison to what other stuff she knows that is not any of our business and too personal to share.

It’s easy to be on the outside looking in. If people don’t want to be with someone or give someone a first chance, a 2nd chance, they are free to make that decision.

Y’all – Your 12:17 says it best.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
12:44 pm

That would make me a very shallow person if I’m not willing to get back with him only because I was married to him.

Leggs – Actually I don’t see where that would make you shallow. I see it as – you were married to the man so you know him, so you don’t want to go back there again. I know that probably is not where Raqi is coming from, but that line of thinking doesn’t make sense to me. So what if you discount him because he is your ex? Whatever the reason, you don’t want to be with him and that’s enough.

For Real

February 8th, 2011
12:49 pm

Kimmie: you missing Raqi’s point. Her point is that Leggs (using you just as a point of ref) is not willing to give her ex another chance due the litany of things she listed but she will give another dude a chance that demonstrated that exact same things her ex did. All on the premise that this dude said he has changed. That’s Raqi’s point. Not whether or not you have the right to give an ex a 2nd chance.

[...] the original here: Their dating mistakes, but do you pay the price? | Misadventures … This entry was posted in Dating and tagged abraham, abraham-lincoln, especially-true, not-wiser, [...]

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
12:58 pm

“…not willing to give her ex another chance due the litany of things she listed but she will give another dude a chance that demonstrated that exact same things her ex did.”

No, you got it wrong. If I knew a guy was doing the same things my ex did to me, I wouldn’t be getting with him. Where’s the point in that? I wouldn’t knowingly get involved with someone if I knew he has the same attributes. And, now that I’m out of it, I can clearly see the signs moving forward…

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
12:58 pm

ForReal, I agree and disagree. If I marry you and we agree to “in richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part” fulfilling those vows is never off the table IMO just we choose to be together again. Death has not come for either one of us yet.

Two people can learn, grow and reconcile under those vows. To say that because they reconnected neither have never learned is 100% wrong. Every (wo)man can change his ways. If it is as you state not having learned if we get back together how do we keep it together through our faults while we are married? We learned from our mistakes and we stay.

That’s all I am saying. I do understand that some people are not worth the time of day and they should go jump off a ledge. But I just don’t get ruling out your own ex when you are willing to do the dance with someone else’s. I don’t get the “not doing sloppy seconds” when you had part in making it sloppy. Or the “not backtracking” in your own tracks.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
12:59 pm

but she will give another dude a chance that demonstrated that exact same things her ex did.

4Real – I get what Raqi is saying. But where is it that Leggs said she would get with someone that DEMONSTRATED the exact same things that her ex did? That would be the definition of insanity – getting with someone else that exhibited the exact same things you found distasteful in your ex. Of course, if you get with another human being, that human has made some mistakes. If you are not insane, you would run if they were the same as your exes!

cba

February 8th, 2011
1:00 pm

@LEGGS, the fact that you have not tarnished your daughter’s impression of her father is very, very admirable of you. I think alot of ex do that out of spite. Someone asked Elizabeth Edwards, what does she see when she sees John Edwards? She said ” I see my kids father”. A classy woman.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:00 pm

Kimmie, I agree with you. But I think everyone is missing my point. I was merely focusing on Leggs saying that she would not get back with her ex. I asked is it because he is the ex over and above his flawed actions? Many have implied that simply because that person is an ex.

It has been said many times on here by many that they will not get back with an ex. I never understood that however Leggs answered and said that her decision is based on his actions, which I pretty much figured.

As you said we are all someone’s ex and a lot of people just didn’t belong together in the first place. But my question remains to be why are so many willing to give someone else’s rehabilitated ex more credit than their own. I am talking a person that has truly learned from their mistakes and grown.

And kimmie, I am not saying just because the person is your ex you should be willing to be with him again. I am not saying that at all. I am just stating my thoughts on how we as people are excepting of the faults of one but giving the shaft to another merely because you were once in the immediate company.

DreamsMaterialize "Free Me-Lo"

February 8th, 2011
1:02 pm

If people don’t change do you only date relationship “virgins”?
Raqi of course…you didn’t know? lol Kidding of course. I’m not saying that I would accept the changes of someone new (someone else’s ex) over those of my ex. I’m saying that I probably wouldn’t believe my ex changed in the first place. If they truly changed, then I might be willing to give it a shot, just haven’t ever been in that place. Of course there is another element involved when comparing “someone else’s ex” to my ex. Forgiveness. See, in order to get back with someone who has done wrong to me, I have to be able to forgive them, but no such forgiveness is required for someone else’s ex because whatever they did in the past was to someone else and not me.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:03 pm

ForReal, Exactly. That’s what I am saying. We all have a not so pure past and our exes would be the first to attest to that. Anybody that continually meet and date new “exes” under the premise that the breakup and fallout was all their ex’s fault and bad doings is someone that is still falling for the okie doke.

For Real

February 8th, 2011
1:05 pm

Leggs: “If I knew a guy was doing the same things my ex did to me, I wouldn’t be getting with him.” – He (being the new dude) did (in the past) the samethings your ex did (which he too claims not to do anymore) but tells you he longer does those things because he has changed.

Raqi: HUH???? Did you sneak a sip of coffee? In my True Grit voice: I cannot rekcancile your thoughts on this matter.

For Real

February 8th, 2011
1:09 pm

Kimmie: see Raqi’s 1:03 not her 12:58 tho.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:10 pm

would get with someone that DEMONSTRATED the exact same things

Kimmie, I didn’t say that. I said less than admirable behavior at some point all together admitting to it however declaring to be a better person now.

I don’t know you, but I do believe if your Soon-to-be admitted to mistreating on his college girlfriend to you today but confesses and shows to be a better man now you will not breakup with him.

However you will not give that same benefit of the doubt to one of your exes that over the same number years has grown and become a better person.

That’s all.

And that’s all. I am sleepy now. LOL

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:10 pm

@cba ~ thanks. When I heard that remark from Elizabeth Edwards, I clapped because that was the perfect answer. Despite all he has done to her, John Edwards is their father at the end of the day. Same in my case. My daughter sees “her father,” not my “ex-husband” when she’s spending time with him. I would be less than a woman if I bad mouth him in front of her. I refuse to be that woman. It’s not about me, it’s all about her and her growth w/o both parents living under the same roof!

Leggs

February 8th, 2011
1:13 pm

@For Real ~ I would be foolish to go in thinking this dude did the same things my ex did. That means I would be walking into a new realtionship as a “bitter woman.” I wouldn’t be asking him things my ex did to see if he’s done them. His actions will tell me and I’d take it from there. Not all men will do what another man has done. So, no I can’t get on board with your statement.

kimmie

February 8th, 2011
1:15 pm

how we as people are excepting of the faults of one but giving the shaft to another merely because you were once in the immediate company.

Raqi – I get what you are saying. I just think differently. The way I look at it, you gave them your greatest honor by being with them and becoming their spouse. Whether the demise was due to something they did or you did or both, you put yourself out there once. You know. So I don’t see it as giving them the shaft. You can accept and forgive their faults, but decide someone else is more deserving of devoting your life to. And just because it seems folks are quickly dismissive, it doesn’t mean inside that you came to the decision to not get back with them easily. It’s probably hard to resist not bringing a family back together. A lot of people do try, especially when kids are involved. I’m sure it’s not something taken lightly. The fact that they’d rather take a chance on someone else and their faults & baggage says a lot.

Raqi V

February 8th, 2011
1:16 pm

I’m saying that I probably wouldn’t believe my ex changed in the first place.

DreamsMat, yet so many believe the new woman. LOL At least with the old would be able to spot that iffy behavior early on.

In larger scheme of the issue I truly think it is matter of the broken heart. I think many will be willing to forgive a couple of misdemeanors if that heart could be mended and that’s what usually never happens.