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My (magic) number, my business

A reader is going through a little rough patch with her new boyfriend.  Somehow the topic of “magic numbers” came up. She tried her best to sidestep the conversation but he eventually asked her outright, “So how many partners have you been with?”  When she refused to answer, he started making wild accusations about her past and why she was being so cryptic.  Finally, she told him, “You know what? It’s really not your business.”  Oy.

Obviously, that didn’t go over well and now they have a weirdness between them that probably won’t go away until they address the big pink number in the room.  Do you think the person you are dating has a right to know your magic number?

When I asked what exactly made her so hesitant to tell him, she told me she is not proud of her number.  I think that not telling him will make him suspect that is high. What do you think? Is she screwed either way? Do women assume that men will judge them harshly or is it a valid concern?

Is it a bad sign if the person you are dating decides not to reveal certain things?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

208 comments Add your comment

Beautiful

February 3rd, 2011
5:39 am

LADIES… if you are asked how many sex partners have you been with, the correct answer is *i have only slept with men i’ve been in a relationships with*. ~ Love Calling

LaKeshia

February 3rd, 2011
6:27 am

When I was axed that question I replied “For all of last month or for all of last year?”

heyhannah

February 3rd, 2011
7:11 am

When someone asks me a personal question such as this, I respond, “why do you want to know?” That turns the question around. If I were dating a man who asked me this question, his motive in seeking this information would tell me a lot about his own character (eg. is he domineering, threatened, promiscuous, nosey, etc.). The best way to get to know someone is to not jump in bed with them right away but to spend many, many dates talking, laughing and getting to know each other. That should reassure both daters that sex is not something which is taken lightly.

Sally Smith

February 3rd, 2011
7:42 am

From the author’s intro: “What do you think? Is she screwed either way?”

Tee, hee, hee!

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
7:59 am

Good morning,

Who really does that these days, especially if you’re over 30? Numbers don’t necessarily tell you an accurate story all the time. What if the chick said she only had sex with 4 dudes…but failed to say they were all raw dawg 1-night stands…As opposed to 4 dudes she was in a relationship with?

czBrat

February 3rd, 2011
8:00 am

wow! 5:30 blog? really?

i’ve never had a prob with exchange of info, but timing is everything. my magic # should not be a concern unless and until we are considering intimacy ourselves. if we’re still early in the dating process and still trying to figure out if we even vibe well, then yeah, it’s nunya bidness!

this —-> Is she screwed either way? cracked me up too, sally.

HiYas

DW

February 3rd, 2011
8:16 am

Sounds like shes screwed to me. next.

DW

February 3rd, 2011
8:18 am

Why ask a question that you dont want to know the answer to?

q1

February 3rd, 2011
8:23 am

Really caring about another person transcends a number. Seeing the inner being of another person, what they really stand for, means much more than the number of prior relationships. Now, for some people, the number is important. Some people think of themselves as the quintisential person, perfect in every way. Now they would want a mate that is absolutely, perfect, no prior sex history. Like the heir to the British throne, Prince William, would want a perfect history of no prior relationships in a bride. Of course, that would not include the 8 years that the bride-to-be has been living with him. Some women can not fall in love until a prospect’s net worth[money] hits a certain level. It is all different, that is what makes it fascinating. Now, I am feeling rather close to my personal trainer, she is getting to know me , that is what it is all about, getting to know another person.

Gmoney

February 3rd, 2011
8:24 am

This reminds me of an old Chris Rock routine when he is making fun of men who ask their women this very same question and I agree. NEVER ask a woman this question. WHY? Cuz you really don’t want to know. You’re not discovering anything or placing a flag anywhere…lol Just be glad you’re getting it NOW. Besides no matter what number she tells you it won’t satisfy you. She could tell you just TWO and the guy will be like “TWO? Dang woman I guess thats how you were raised.”…LOL

USMC dawg

February 3rd, 2011
8:24 am

Honestly as a man… I DON’T WANT TO KNOW.
It drives me crazy when I am on a date with a woman who talks on and on about her old boyfriends or men she has dated and starts to go into detail. “What, are you kidding me!”
BIG TURNOFF, ladies.

Y'all Are Kids

February 3rd, 2011
8:41 am

Just tell him. If he’s stupid enough to ask, he’s probably stupid enough to care what the Tally is and you’ve minimized investment in a dead end relationship as he scurries out the door.

Simple Man!!!!

February 3rd, 2011
8:42 am

Honestly, at some point in time, I always wonder, but how rude is it to ask????? Now I have had the conversation and given my number when asked… Dude must have been crazy insecure to make that kind of issue out of it….

JP

February 3rd, 2011
8:45 am

People having varying degrees of when they feel comfortable disclosing intimate issues. Some individuals are an open book and some are as hard as Fort Knox to crack open. You have to respect each person’s timing for when they feel comfortable disclosing personal information. Having said that, mature adults don’t have to delve into such trivial matters as how many people you were with before them. It has no relevance in your present situation. Besides, what can you do about what’s already done? Are you going to run away every time you hear something about a significant other that you don’t like? If so, you better start adopting those cats now because you are going to be one lonely individual.

Fion

February 3rd, 2011
8:49 am

I’m far more interested in who you are today with me as opposed to who you were yeaterday.

Besides all real MEN know, “Baby, you can give away far more than I can get.”
Just sayin.

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
8:52 am

I just think that you should be okay with automatically knowing you aren’t dating a virgin…What else needs to be said unless the person is a known sex addict, used to be a call girl, prostitute, giggalo or whatever

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
9:21 am

Testes testes 1….2 ???

Leggs

February 3rd, 2011
9:24 am

Good morning. I don’t think anyone should ask a person’s number. If you get an attitude because I won’t share it with you, that’s your problem.

“What do you think? Is she screwed either way?” – No, but he probably is. Come on now, she’s not a virgin and neither is he. Suffice it to say she has had sex with more than one person in her lifetime. Be concerned if she has a disease or something. If she’s disease free and they’re building a relationship together, then do that. As long as her honey pot isn’t stretched out of shape, scarred, the lips are still firm, etc., you’re liking her skills, go with that. Stop with the pouting and silent treatment because she won’t give you her number! Is the number really that important, or is there something much more underlying your reason for asking?

☺☻

February 3rd, 2011
9:28 am

I don’t know why people ask anyway. It’s assuming you’re going to get the honest answer.

Remember what a comedian said: whatever the woman tells you when you ask her, add 2 to it.

On the other hand, unless she’s playing around, probably not the nicest question to ask to begin with.

But, once we know each other really well enough to ask personal questions, if she is so super-sensitive that the idea of the question makes her get all uptight, then I maybe I should move one.

Women are just way too sensitive, you know. (Well a lot, not all)

Mr_NYC

February 3rd, 2011
9:37 am

Just another one of those mindless questions people sometimes ask without knowing why. What are you doing to do with the info now that you have it? As if you have a pocket card with a sliding scale that tells you what it means. Will the next question be over what time period? Did they stay the night? Was it in a car, on a bus, on a train, in a hotel or motel, in the park or in the woods?
All the while ignoring the person as they are in front of you – better to play judge of the past.
I’m just sayin’

Oh yeah — good morning blog people :-)

Blackfoote

February 3rd, 2011
9:42 am

“So how many partners have you been with?” WTF I Don’t care.

“Is it a bad sign if the person you are dating decides not to reveal certain things?” I would be concerned.

Morning Leggs ans Slim:

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
9:43 am

Morning People!

WD, how old are the folks you are talking about? Because unless you’re in high school and/or under 21, you are grown and yes, it’s none of his business. And WD, why is she thought of as “coy”? Why not just offended that someone would be so rude & then actually POUT?! Dude is lucky she’s even still talking to his juvenile, obviously insecure behind!

mature adults don’t have to delve into such trivial matters as how many people you were with before them. It has no relevance in your present situation. Besides, what can you do about what’s already done?

JP, this sums up this stupid topic in a nutshell!!

How many times are we going to cover this idiotic topic???!!!! :roll:

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
9:45 am

Morning all –

I asked when I was younger (early 20s) I didn’t understand the big deal about it…til I started getting numbers higher than the pollen count in spring. :lol:

In any case, I can say that I’ve kept my number managable for that very reason. If it was gonna bring me shame or grief or regret, why even go there? I agree that it may not be HIS business, but it’s still mine and I have to deal with it. What’s the point of living in the moment when you have nothing to show for it at the end of the day (lots of lovers with no one loving you)

Leggs

February 3rd, 2011
9:51 am

Morning, Blackfoote.

@Mr_NYC ~ my exact sentiments!

I kept my number manageable because I don’t have low self-esteem. Yes, many women fall in bed with a man just because they want to feel like they’re liked or needed! Hogwash! I don’t believe everything a man says and I listen to his words all the while watching his actions. It can safe some a lot of grief if many stomped on their rose colored glasses!

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
9:55 am

lots of lovers with no one loving you

Ared – Dang Red…great line! ;-)

Mr_NYC

February 3rd, 2011
9:55 am

That’s as stupid as the post-nookie question “How was it?”

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
9:57 am

Amred/Leggs – This thing is very subjective though! What you consider “manageable” may put you in “slut-status” to some men or ready for the Amish with others.

That’s why it’s nobody’s business but your own. Nobody has a right to judge you and say you’ve had too many, not enough, must have low self-esteem, high self-esteem, etc.

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
10:03 am

This thing is very subjective though! What you consider “manageable” may put you in “slut-status” to some men or ready for the Amish with others.

That’s my point though kimmie…it’s a number I can live with. If he can’t…that’s on him.

When folks get uncomfortable or shady when stuff like that comes up, it typically means they aren’t trilled about the number either.

abc

February 3rd, 2011
10:04 am

If you ask, and she tells you, it won’t be the truth anyway, so why bother asking?

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
10:05 am

Dang Red…great line!

Thank you Slim! :)

But seriously, at what number do you hit and don’t think…dang, all these partners and I won’t be growing old with any of em… :?:

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
10:06 am

Sup Blackfoote

‘That’s as stupid as the post-nookie question “How was it?”’

Mr. NYC – So if it has ever been bad & the person asked that, were you honest about it or did you lie?

DreamsMaterialize

February 3rd, 2011
10:07 am

Morning
There’s obviously a disconnect between ol’ girl and her man. The number isn’t important to her, but he feels it’s relevant, for whatever reason. That means this issue won’t go away for them. Someone will have to concede or the relationship is over.

I think a person has the right to conceal whatever they like in relationship. You don’t have to tell me everything about you just because we’re dating. Honestly, if it doesn’t affect our relationship, feel free to take it to your grave. I care about us and our future.

Mr_NYC

February 3rd, 2011
10:09 am

Ah Slim you would go there – that’s a tough one.

I do my raise the right eyebrow thing like The Rock :-)

Depends — if pressed
Umm, what do you mean how WAS it or how was IT?
Are you really seriously asking that question?

May I suggest another go-round to confirm the impression or to see if that was just a fluke

Mike P

February 3rd, 2011
10:10 am

The reason some men ask is because he believes its important to know what/who he investing into?
its not your answer he’s really looking for; its your responses to his question. Some men were groomed to look for and only date the wifey types… let’s remember that we’re all living in america where we all have varying backgrounds; resulting in different tastes and preferences.

If you women want him to invest his “heart & soul” in you in a committed relationship, then don’t look surprised when that man asks you about your ‘magic number.’ Nothing in this world is perfect or fair even… but imo it IS his business to ask.

co-signing AmazonRed™ 9:45am comment…
don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time (sometimes there’s consequences to your actions, whether last week, or twenty years ago…)

Danni

February 3rd, 2011
10:11 am

Wow…didn’t know anyone asked for that type of information. I haven’t been asked nor have I asked (or wondered) since I was in my early 20’s. Wait…I have only been asked once, I think, and never I have I asked. Not sure if I never cared or I didn’t think I would be comfortable knowing. I know where I am now, it just isn’t relevant.

Blackfoote

February 3rd, 2011
10:11 am

I fully agree with you Kimmie and also good morning to you and Ared. I’m calling the fire dept. cause you’re smoking hot.

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
10:12 am

‘When folks get uncomfortable or shady when stuff like that comes up, it typically means they aren’t trilled about the number either’

Well not necessarily…when it comes to asking a woman that question, it’s a matter of trying to decipher what his idea of too many is. (in some cases) Either way the other person will probably judge you regardless. Heyal, 2 guys may be too many for a dude to handle. lol

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
10:12 am

Amred – Call me shady if you want, but I’m uncomfortable with anyone asking me personal questions that have no relevance. If you ask me if I am disease-free, that’s personal but vital to our relationship. If I was a prostitute or a stripper in the past, I probably should let you know, especially if you plan on running for office later!LOL!! But how many – no, too invasive and immature and classless to me.

Leggs

February 3rd, 2011
10:12 am

Exactly, kimmie. Manageable means what’s comfortable with ME, not him.

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
10:13 am

Hi Blackfoote, good to read you!

abc

February 3rd, 2011
10:15 am

I know a woman that’s had well over 100 men. What do you chicks think of her, based on that alone?

I know a man that claims he’s had well over 350 women. What do you guys think of him, based on only that piece of information?

SexyCool

February 3rd, 2011
10:16 am

My response….”Currently, one.”

SlimNumeroUno

February 3rd, 2011
10:17 am

NYC – Now i’m raising my eyebrow at you for that response. lol

If a dude is so determined to know ‘your number’ he’s also the type of person who is going to judge you on the type of bedroom activities she does on some sort of skank scale

She flinched at the thought of putting her mouth close to the wang – Good girl status (low experience)

Didn’t have to twist her arm to slob me up but technique sucked (no pun inteded) – Still a bit of a good girl with medium sex experiences

No this heifer didn’t slip her fanga in my arsehole! – Totally skeeze!

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
10:18 am

I’m calling the fire dept. cause you’re smoking hot.

:lol: Morning Blackfoote…

What makes you say that?

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
10:19 am

I know a woman that’s had well over 100 men. What do you chicks think of her, based on that alone?

I know a man that claims he’s had well over 350 women. What do you guys think of him, based on only that piece of information?”

Gardening tools!

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
10:21 am

abc – I don’t think anything of either of them one way or the other. I’m not dealing with either one so it’s not my business to judge. I live & let live. Maybe they were promiscuous at one point in their life and now they’ve decided to go a different route. Or maybe they like variety.

Who am I to judge?

SexyCool

February 3rd, 2011
10:21 am

abc – Since I’m not sleeping with either one of them, that’s on them and is their business.

AmazonRed™

February 3rd, 2011
10:24 am

My response….”Currently, one.”

:lol:

Leggs

February 3rd, 2011
10:28 am

@abc ~ how old are they now? Say one is 25 and already had a 100. All I could say is WOW. What either of them do for themselves is really none of my business.

kimmie

February 3rd, 2011
10:29 am

SCool – Perfect response! LOL!!!

Luckily I have one that chose