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City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
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Dating men and their complex egos

One of our great male readers mentioned the male ego (Thanks For Real!) and it reminded me why I love this blog. Part of my fascination with blogging on Misadventures in Atlanta is learning more about men. I am still on that quest to understand the male psyche, behavioral patterns, and the male ego!

Here’s what I know about male egos: it’s powerful, important to understand for a peaceful relationship, and it’s not solely based in sex. Here’s what I don’t know about male egos: how do I manage (stroke?) it and co-exist with it (happily) – especially with my own, equally complex, female ego. I don’t know if it’s a huge problem for me in dating but in relationships I think it can be.

What do you understand about the male ego? Ladies, what did you learn about them from the men in your lives? Are you ever confused by a man’s ego?

Guys, what is the best advice you can give women to handle your egos? Do you think women try to manipulate or control your egos?

What role does it play in how you value yourself as a man? What is the biggest misconception about male egos?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

325 comments Add your comment

Kym

January 28th, 2011
9:51 am

@Dan oh please..every other day the fellows call us out as fragile and emotion driven..and then when there is a topic out here for you guys to give insights into how to deal with you. The best ya’ll can come up with is..just let me be. That’s it? That’s the whole secret..just let me be..but if said woman just lets you be..then it’s she is not giving me enough attention or time.. she is being dismissive to my feelings.blah blah. I said it before and I will say it again..something is not quite right with that Ychromosome

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
9:51 am

Amred – Was it a new episode?

abc

January 28th, 2011
9:51 am

Personally, I’d find ‘ego stroking’ to be patronizing, and would take exception to it.

SlimNumeroUno

January 28th, 2011
9:52 am

Just thought i’d pop in for a sec after I have to go through this huge ambush of emails from my crazy, derranged, obssessive boss.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
9:52 am

I watched that episode last night. I cringed at that question like is she for real

Girl… :lol: And you know she has a top notch education right… right.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
9:54 am

Amred – Was it a new episode?

Kimmie – Yup!

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 28th, 2011
9:55 am

Good friday everybody. Im flying out to vegas in a few hours so this should be fun…this should be interesting.

I did want to chime in on the following questions:

Guys, what is the best advice you can give women to handle your egos? Do you think women try to manipulate or control your egos?

The best advice I can give a woman regarding handling a man’s ego is that all we want is to be respected. If you cant do that, then all we want is to not be disrespected. Thats the secret to the whole experience. Respect the guy you are with and you will go far.

I think some women do manipulate guys just because they want to see how much they can control a guy, things to get him to do, etc.
What role does it play in how you value yourself as a man? What is the biggest misconception about male egos?

Ego’s are irrelevant. Its all about the guys confidence in himself and what he brings to the table and his personal knowledge of his abilities. The biggest misconception about male egos is that it is like the incredible hulk. Just because a guy is not a super loud type doesnt give you a pass to come at him sideways. Respect is all you need to remember.

PrincessNik

January 28th, 2011
9:56 am

ARed

I could tell by the way she said it she knew the answer, but hey if it works for her….. :lol:

On the other hand it kinda sounded like when you are trying to reinforce something you’ve taught a child

“what color is that car honey”

:lol: :lol:

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
9:57 am

Amred – I wonder how they felt when they later watched it? But I guess if he’s that far gone, he won’t see how dumb she looked.

Guess that’s the way she’s gotta deal with him to make him feel comfortable. Whatever works for them.

You all would hear me all over Atlanta screaming though! :lol:

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
9:58 am

I could tell by the way she said it she knew the answer, but hey if it works for her…..

:lol:

I’m sure she was just trying to get her man to talk more. I dunno. You gotta set it up to make it interesting. I thought their banter was cute, especially when he started cracking on all of her shoes.

Guys and their need for “man caves!” :lol:

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
9:59 am

I think my definition of stroking someone’s ego must be different than most. I know the term usually gets use in a negative sense but IMO it’s not a negative thing.

Who doesn’t like a compliment? I am not talking not being able to function without being told how wonderful you are at every waking moment, but what’s wrong with complimenting your SO in a nice way just to let them you think they are special?

It’s a really cold, callous, detached human being that does not ever need sensual caring interaction from another person.

We all have egos that do not respond well to rejection or failure. And it’s not hard to recognize when someone’s ‘ego’ has been bruised and they are now overcompensating in some way to mask it.

If it okay for women to receive compliments, why is it so wrong to “stroke” a man’s ego? In fact what’s the difference in the two?

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
9:59 am

M dot – Where are you staying in Vegas? We are getting married there & I’m trying to narrow down the spots I’m interested in.

Good post, by the way.

SlimNumeroUno

January 28th, 2011
10:00 am

‘Corner!’

Ared – Aw man….already?…but i wanna play some more…can I get off (no pun intended) with just a warning this time

PrincessNik

January 28th, 2011
10:01 am

Ared it was one of the better episodes i’ve seen since the “new format” for that show. When she was like I can have this closet and you can have the other, my SO looks at me and says now who does that sound like :oops: :lol:

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:01 am

Amred – I wonder how they felt when they later watched it? But I guess if he’s that far gone, he won’t see how dumb she looked.

I’m sure they felt a little silly…the cameras played up her love of shoes and a big closet and his need for a “man cave.” But all in all it was a good episode, you can tell they really like each other. I’m thinking maybe she was trying to play a little soft, cuz some of the single women come off kind of aggressive sometimes. Not like there is anything wrong with that, especially with such a large purchase like a home.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 28th, 2011
10:02 am

@Raqi

“but I have yet to meet a man that has responded positively or without emotion to being disrespected, used and abused.

Every dog appreciates a pat on the head or getting his tummy rubbed.”

One, can we please stop the equating (however casual) of men with dogs?

Two, respect is internal – no one can “disrespect” me but me.

Three, again how you deal with your man is between you and him, but let’s not extrapolate and project that onto the entirety of the male specie.

@Kym

That’s not what I’ve said at all.

My initial comment was for no female (or male) to try and ‘deal’ with my “ego”, especially when the man is standing right there. Deal with me – not some perception of me or figurative part of me.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:03 am

@PrincessNik – Yeah, I don’t think I’m a fan of the new format either. Seems like they give you less info now. But yeah, I’m happy for them.

You and your SO should do a show like that then. :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 28th, 2011
10:06 am

@Kimmie

Thanks. Las Vegas Hilton. You can find great deals at http://www.sidestep.com

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
10:07 am

Somebody has their drawers in a bunch today! :lol:

PrincessNik

January 28th, 2011
10:08 am

You and your SO should do a show like that then

@ ARed :lol: won’t be anytime soon, I wouldn’t want to try and sell my house in this market

abc

January 28th, 2011
10:08 am

A genuine compliment isn’t given to appease some sense of what the other person’s ego requires. That’s just patronization. Nobody likes to be patronized.

The notion that a woman should (or must) do things like that, such as delivering false compliments just to make nice, has everything to do with how American women employ mendacity as a way of life. Likewise, they’d only say nice things about their kids to other women, with whom they’d feel ‘kid competition’, even if the nice things they’d say weren’t true, like academic acumen or talent. Same thing, when you get right down to it.

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
10:08 am

Thanks so much, M dot!

Kym

January 28th, 2011
10:09 am

Raqi I am with you on the compliments we all like them..and appreciate them and we all like to feel appreciated..but I think I am more along the lines of having to tip-toe around someone because they had a bad day..and if you ask what’s wrong and they say ohh nothing.when clearly they looked like their world is crashing alround. Okay fine you want to go around pretending nothing is wrong..I will treat you like nothing is wrong.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 28th, 2011
10:10 am

@kimmie

Not I; heavens no.

The “dog” reference made me think of a patna that just got a book published titled “if men are dogs, what about the ibtches that deal with em

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:11 am

Somebody has their drawers in a bunch today!

I’m sayin… geeze louise. :lol:

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 28th, 2011
10:14 am

How do/should guys handle women’s ego’s or self confidence?

My strategy is to not play games with her and give it to her straight and let her decide. I am not going to say what she wants to hear because she does not want to face reality.

In the end, most women will respect you for not telling them what they want to hear.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:14 am

kimmie – One of my friends got married at Planet Hollywood. I think you can customize your package, but his included a red carpet experience and a “reporter” who interviewed guest in front of a step and repeat before the ceremony while we waited for it to start. It was kind of cool.

The nice thing about Planet Hollywood is the location of it on the strip. You’re in the middle of it, so it’s easy to go everywhere. The rooms were great too.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:16 am

but let’s not extrapolate and project that onto the entirety of the male specie.

:roll:

DreamsMaterialize

January 28th, 2011
10:17 am

Morning Everyone

Guys, what is the best advice you can give women to handle your egos? Do you think women try to manipulate or control your egos?
Best advice for handling my ego is to NOT handle my ego. Trying to handle my ego is akin to “manipulating” and “controlling” my ego. Just give me the respect that I give you, ego aside. If you feel the need to handle my ego, is it because you feel I’m not doing a good enough job of it myself?

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
10:22 am

abc not that you can’t function without it, but do you not find it endearing when your wife just let’s you know she is feeling you or in your corner when you are having an off day?

Disclaimer: I am in no way calling men dogs (smirk) or saying they should be treated like and animal but this is the best example that all are familiar with that I can think of right now.

But I have been told that the better you take care of your dog the better he will be there for you. I have yet to see an owner of a dog, when the dog walks up to him/her, not pat that dogs head or back. That dog becomes loyal to that owner.

I don’t see it being any different with people. We tend to be more trusting and loyal to those that “stroke” and care for us.

kimmie

January 28th, 2011
10:24 am

Amred – Cool!

Kym – I feel ya, not tiptoeing with nobody! Even if you say, hey I’ll tell you later, I’m fine with that. I’ve been there myself, we all have. I’ve even had my man to say, like if he’s explaining a legal situation or repairs to a car, he’ll ask me up front do I really want him to explain it all cause it’s really complicated. He’s not condesending about it, he’s just like “hey I wouldn’t be dealing with this mess myself right now if I didn’t have to.” It just need to be a nice ease and flow to things, without all the tension!

Like many have said, respect is key. Not rocket science.

Celisea

January 28th, 2011
10:24 am

Morning,

Well, I dunno. I’m not into saying pretty things all for a man to hear. I’m not into stroking either…it’s patronizing. I don’t have a probably supporting and making it known but I don’t really prescribe to “hush unless I say talk” or “speak when you’re spoken to” or saying all the right things….seems barbaric and cavemanish. I just think the basic ground rule is to respect one another….all time time…and reciprocally…not when just when it’s good for you. To truly know we won’t always agree and I’m not out of line for speaking up and saying so. I think most men want the docile woman but won’t respect if they can walk over. Can appreciate the aggressive but too much of that grates on their nerves. Honestly though when I read the first few posts (from men) Steve Harvey’s book came to mind….yeah a friend sent to me some time ago on pdf…of all the “do rights if you want to catch and keep me”…how fair is that. The tone of some of these men sounds like “it easy, all you need to do is sit up straight, talk when spoken to, be sexy, give sexy” and it’s all good. When REALLY, it’s not that simple.

Y'all Are Kids

January 28th, 2011
10:28 am

C – You forgot “Show up Nekkid”.

Celisea

January 28th, 2011
10:29 am

YAKs….yeah I did….Show Up Nekkid…ding ding ding, you’re a winner :)

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 28th, 2011
10:30 am

@Raqi

I apologize if I offended you in anyway, that was not my intent.

It’s just that the “men = dogs” theme is wearing thin.

I wasn’t at you personally about it. Again, I apologize.

Celisea

January 28th, 2011
10:31 am

Awwwww, that’s so nice. See you men can do it!!!

Celisea

January 28th, 2011
10:32 am

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
10:35 am

Kym, I agree. Having to tip-toe around a grown man just ain’t part of my “duty” as a mate. If he is that sensitive he needs to not be dealing in matters of relations.

Yes we all have feeling and they all get hurt at times. But damn if I am going to be handling a man like fine crystal. I am not going to treat him as if he has not feelings but I am not going to not be free to say what I want around him either.

Kisses someone’s arse and pretending to like and stroking their ego at times is not the same in my book.

Leggs

January 28th, 2011
10:36 am

Good freaking morning….you guys are on it this morning.

I don’t care to deal with egos. If your ego is front and center whereby I can’t see the person, then I need to show you my backside.

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
10:38 am

Dan, you did not offend me. I used the “dog” reference in terms of people in general. It just so happen that we are talking about men today.

That’s why I said women liking to be told we are beautiful and smart and men liking to be told you are strong and wonderful is all the same to me. All dogs like to have their belly rubbed. Treat it right it will be loyal and protect you.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:42 am

I used the “dog” reference in terms of people in general.

Trust me Raqi, the rest of us got that. *smh*

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
10:43 am

such as delivering false compliments just to make nice

abc why does it have to be false? Seriously are you only open to being told how much your wife loves your (insert whatever) only at appointed times?

So if you are rearranging the furniture for her and she finds it endearing and offers you a compliment you feel she is just trying to make nice? Really?

Raqi V

January 28th, 2011
10:45 am

AmazonR, how does that saying go? A hit dog will do what? LOL

Just kidding Dan. But only a little. LOL

CoolShadow

January 28th, 2011
10:47 am

What women need to realize is that with dealing men is that it’s not a one-size-fits-all scenario. Some men are self-sustaining while others need to be coddled and cajoled as someone mentioned earlier; and some appreciate compliments but don’t live for them because they feel what they do and/or how they conduct their lives is the essence of their definition and purpose and aren’t looking for praise. And then there are some who sport the “look at me” mentality and think they have to be given props on all facets of their lives. Women just have to decide what their tolerance level is and that will go a long way in determining what kind of man they’re willing to deal with.

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:48 am

AmazonR, how does that saying go? A hit dog will do what? LOL

Raqi… :lol: *gasping for air* You don’t know JUST how close I was to posting that very phrase! :lol: :lol: :lol:

But hey, if the shoe fit… :lol:

i'm swiss™

January 28th, 2011
10:48 am

“at least it’s more truthful than “nothing” when it’s something. “

Okay, I know I’m late, but allow me to translate:

In DudeSpeak, “nothing” = “I promise it’s neither important nor anything that would interest you in the least, so explaining it to you, or anyone else, for that matter would be a colossal waste of both our time. Sometimes, I enjoy quietly contemplating stupid, inconsequential sh!t. This is one of those times.”

Hope this helps… ;-) :lol:

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:54 am

Swiss – Nope, cuz the point is we don’t want you making that decision for us.

Again, get a better answer than “nothing.”

abc

January 28th, 2011
10:54 am

No, Raqi; actually, she refers to things like that as ‘acts of service’, and are the things she appreciates the most, so when she thanks me or compliments me on doing them, I know it’s sincere, and not something she feels like she should or must do in order to appease some perception of what my ego wants.

i'm swiss™

January 28th, 2011
10:55 am

“cuz the point is we don’t want you making that decision for us.”

Well then you’re too d@mn nosy… ;-) :lol:

AmazonRed™

January 28th, 2011
10:58 am

Absolutely, but as said before women don’t want to be patronized either.