Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?
I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?
I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?
Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?
Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?
I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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421 comments Add your comment
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
3:39 pm
….or when you’re in Child Support Court over an unwanted kid because Tomqueque had “fiyah” on her resume and you couldn’t see past that. Yeah, just like FWB, don’t get to know or learn nothing about a person and bam a baby comes, then you looking around like umm fu fu because you took the quick route. Now you’re taking the long walk home for sure and she’s blaming you and you’re blaming the white man for the law in place to make you pay for that trick’s baby you want no part of nor was trying to get.
Lord Velonese
January 26th, 2011
3:40 pm
“Frauen müssen verstehen, nicht in dieser Situation zu hängen. Aber wie Wise Diva sagte, ich möchte auch Frauen necken, es ist alles fair über die Gleichstellung Skala.”
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
3:41 pm
and if it’s baiting for a knock down drag out, not happening
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
3:41 pm
Raqi: See that the mistake you are making, I’m not saying men don’t fugg-up but you are saying women don’t and I’ll take that bet any day. I been doing this for over 15yrs and you should know you can’t believe everything your hear/read in the news. Did you know a mother can terminate all her rights and obligations to a child but the father can only terminate his rights not his obligations? 1200 cases of women putting a child up for adoption without the father’s consent.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
3:43 pm
Yes ForReal the women are accountable. However you are talking about having DNA test done before ANY birth certificate is signed as if ALL women are tricking sluts.
I would go along with you if you said if the man has a reason to believe otherwise he should have the DNA before signing, but no you said every birth should be subjected to a DNA. As in all women shouldn’t be trusted.
Dan - Simply...Superior
January 26th, 2011
3:43 pm
@For Real
That hole has been in the law since the beginnig of time.
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
3:44 pm
Like I said whatever day convenient, ya’ll was bashing kids all day yesterday and today it’s condeming the young generation.
Celisea I don’t remember bashing kids yesterday or any day. I don’t bash people period…no one benefits from that. Our great grandparents told our grandparents that they weren’t like kids of their generation. Our grandparents told our parents similarly. Our parents said things weren’t the same as when they were young, and now we say it to our kids. EVERY generation says the same things to the younger generation. I’m not offended at all, but what we believe to be true is often based on nostalgia and not what really happened. We can look at the stats, and they’ll say things are pretty much the way they always have been, since the beginning.
Dan - Simply...Superior
January 26th, 2011
3:46 pm
@Raqi
Why not?
What would be the objection to the DNA test?
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
3:46 pm
DreamsMat, keep your penny. LOL There are more women raising children alone because her husband walked away and never looked back or she made a bad choice in a sex partner that wants nothing to do with the life he helped create.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
3:49 pm
Dreams – You was the main one stating you didn’t want any of the bad kids to hinder your child…Bashing I’d call it. While it’s NOT okay for kids to be any and everything, the blame lies in the rearing. Where are the folks that should be doing that? This generation that don’t want to be told or taught anything right or looked down upon. Yeah we thought we knew everything too and thought we were grown but we accepted the teaching of the generation ahead of us rathen than feeling like somebody was condemning or looking down or trying to through up yesteryears in our face. Like I said, we didn’t want or like it all but some of it we digested and guess what, are all the better for it. This is sounding too religious/spiritual so I’m out.
Lord Velonese
January 26th, 2011
3:49 pm
“Die Doppelmoral zwischen Männern und Frauen ist widerlich, das ist es nur fair ist, warum Männer, Frauen verantwortlich, so wie sie wollen, zu uns halten müssen. Wenn ihr nicht so ein Standard-Doppelzimmer, wäre ich mehr gewillt sind, aber Frauen wollen in der Lage, weg mit zu viel.”
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
3:51 pm
And, seem like many men walked away from their chillins and their responsbiliies back in the day just as they do now. I don’t know which “time” is worse than the other, but free to guess this may go on until this world no longer exists!
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
3:52 pm
And no it’s not nostalgia, but rather moral and ethics, accountability, responsibility.
Sultana
January 26th, 2011
3:52 pm
@Lord – Real Frauen wollen reak Liebe …. so einfach ist es
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
3:53 pm
Raqi: You do know that hospital are required to that a number of test when the baby is born right? If so, then what’s one more test? And trust me it happens wayyyyyy more than you want to believe. Here is a case of mines:
Dude and chick marry have 2 kids. The last kid is born during a time of discourse in the marriage. Eventually they divorce. Father setup child support and paid a for 3yrs. Well through the grapevine he hears that the last child isn’t his. It’s child’s godfather. So, he has a DNA test done and the grapevine is correct the child isn’t his. We go to court prove willful deceit and the ex confesses. The petition is made for child support paid for 3yrs and attorney’s fees. Judge comes back stating that although case was made for willful deceit, the father can’t sue the mother for the child support but he can sue godfather. Now, tell having that DNA test prior to issuance of the birth certificate wouldn’t have been helpful.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
3:54 pm
ForReal, I am not saying there are no trifling women that have wronged men. There are. Plenty of them. But how are you going to pull everybody into that web. If a man gets caught up in that situation that’s the price to pay for making a bad choice in that woman. When a woman gets caught with a trifling man that’s the price she has to pay.
But until you can fix the bigger problem (those many fathers not taking care of those that are theirs) stop trying to pull everyone into the same trash can to pacify a smaller problem.
Now I need to check my blood sugar…BRB.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
January 26th, 2011
3:54 pm
well dayum I see its hot in here!!! WHEW!!
Im speed reading to catch up b/c this looks like a great discussion
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
3:55 pm
Raqi: “There are more women raising children alone because her husband walked away and never looked back or she made a bad choice in a sex partner that wants nothing to do with the life he helped create.” – So, I guess none of these women keep the man out their children lives to spite him huh? That is a naive statement.
Lord Velonese
January 26th, 2011
3:57 pm
@Sultana Nun, das ist noch nicht in der Mehrzahl der Frauen gesehen werden. Und sie durcheinander zu bringen für die wenigen.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
3:58 pm
LV – Wirklich, dude?
Jeder kann Google Translate. Es ist zu einfach.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
January 26th, 2011
3:58 pm
Leggs – “And, seem like many men walked away from their chillins and their responsbiliies back in the day just as they do now. I don’t know which “time” is worse than the other, but free to guess this may go on until this world no longer exists!” oh my parents and grandparents told many stories of men that had two families. Kids getting to high school and finding out so-n-so in their math class is a half-sister/brother. the women knew what was up but just remained as the wife/mistress and all these kids are out there.
Dan - Simply...Superior
January 26th, 2011
3:59 pm
@Raqi
Your childs blood was tested for at least AIDS and drugs minutes after birth; as was your fluid.
It’s SOP in most hospitals to do at least that.
Why not pin prick “the daddy” and use the same blood to run a standard DNA test? It may be a few weeks before the results come back, hey everybody’s happt/relieved at that point anyway.
Sultana
January 26th, 2011
3:59 pm
Demisia rodina je kvôli mužovi, nie starať sa o ich semená.
Ak samozrejme, všetko, čo má semeno je ovocie … to má robiť človek ovocie? lol
Sultana
January 26th, 2011
4:02 pm
@Lord – Herr, vielleicht hast du recht … aber ihr sind viele gute Frauen zu, verletzt.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
4:02 pm
Raqi: The laws of this land are in place due the actions of a few. So, yes pull everyone in. And to solve the problem of single women raising kids it’s simple. Mandatory joint custody (50/50) when both parents are viable and want 50/50 custody. Spit the financial burden of the child 50/50. Protect men’s parental right equally. Stop false accusations (the baby is his). Stop welfare for those that have more than one child. Now, no law or religion can stop two fools from making a baby.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:03 pm
Why not? What would be the objection to the DNA test?
Dan, seriously?
So you are standing there in the hospital with your woman/wife that just gave birth your beautiful baby boy lil Dan. You are ready to be a proud father but you won’t sign on the dotted until the DNA test results come back.
Seriously? A waiting room full of maybe fathers waiting on the DNA test results?
You don’t see anything callous and unemotional about that whole situation?
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
4:04 pm
I personally know of a situation where a friend is going through a divorce and he sincerely wants to co-parent his son.
The ex is employing every trick in the book to get him declared an unfit parent. To date, he has spent upwards of $60K on legal fees and whatnot. At this point, he is facing financial ruin. He is asking himself what good is he going to be to the child if he cannot financially provide for himself or the child along with dealing with the fact of this resentment that he now harbors for his soon to be ex wife.
He is truly between a rock and a hard place.
Sultana
January 26th, 2011
4:04 pm
@Lord – Guten Abend meine liebe Freundin
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:08 pm
ForReal, I am very much aware off all the blood work and what not that goes with a child being born.
I am tired now but I want to ask you what you plan on calling this DNA testing procedure? “Who’s The Pappy?” LOL
Hey staff we just had got octuplets in delivery room #5. Run get 8 of those “Who’s The Pappy?” swabs.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
4:10 pm
Scool: Exactly! The courts will send the po-po after a dude if he fails to pay his court ordered child support but they will absolutely nothing is she fails to comply with her court ordered visitation and she knows the courts wont do a dayum thing to her for not letting he see his kids.
Also, if you want to know where the mass exodus of men leaving their family came from look at welfare. It was a policy that if a man is in the house then welfare was denied.
Dan - Simply...Superior
January 26th, 2011
4:10 pm
@Raqi
No ma’am.
What I have seen as callous and immoral were a 12yo and an 18yo get told, via DNA test, that the men that had raised them their entire life – were not their biological father.
What I have seen is the devastation on all parties involved – except the mother(s) who conveniently said “well, I didn’t know.”
No recompense of child support, no apology (anger from both mothers in fact), and no way forward for what had been – until that moment – two sets of father and son.
So I could give a fugg about hurt fillings in a waiting or delivery room, cause trust me it hurts a helluva lot more later.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
4:11 pm
@Mo ~ I know. My grandfather led a double life with two families.
@For Real ~ no matter what the stats prove to be both cases are heart wrenching…men who walk away from their children and women who keep the children away…Raqi V’s statement is not a naive one..it’s fact based. No matter if he walked away or she kept the children away due to vindictiveness, both scenarious still exist and will forever exist! As long as the human race exists there will be s k a n k women and trifling men. Only thing that changes in the game of life are the players!
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:11 pm
SexyCool, personally I truly feel in situations like your friend’s the mother should be denied any financial help she tries to obtain from the father. Seriously I do. She shouldn’t get a red cent putting a willing father thru that.
Folks need to stop using their kids to try and hurt each other.
See ForReal I am for the father and mother when its warranted.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
January 26th, 2011
4:12 pm
Scool – I know of a couple of situtations similar to the one you mentioned. Women keeping the child away out of spite (pissed that she and old boy didnt work out, etc), women that simply want a check (child support, welfare) and those that just dont want anything to do with the father so the child suffers as well. Its a sad state of affairs.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
4:13 pm
“Who’s The Pappy?” – Naw in envision it being like that new million dollar drop game with the potential pappies standing there and chick has to answer questions about the dudes.
Host: So, which one of the pappies first name is Harrington?
Chick: Harrington? Let me see Ray-Ray, Man-Man, or D?
Da_Man!
January 26th, 2011
4:14 pm
BREAKING NEWS! An Atlanta Resident gets the taste slapped outta his mouf while dining at a local Buckhead eatery for lunch … Witnesses says there was a disturbing commotion between two men and several tables were flipped. One individual who didn’t want to be named said she heard a young lady, who was the apparent companion of the victim, cry out “Poppa, don’t hit him no more…”. Other witnesses are saying they may have seen Joey Greco from the infamous “Cheaters” television series on the scene but this has not been confirmed. People are also speculating that this young Lady was making plea to her husband. So far there are tastebuds everywhere and no one has been apprehended. More news at 11!
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
4:16 pm
@Dan ~ I’m feeling your entire post! Good one.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:18 pm
ForReal, see you did it again. That 4:13 implies that you think all women are hoing. LOL You just can’t stop can you.
The “Who’s The Pappy?” is strictly the test that you wanted so every man even when there is clearly no other man involved has to subject his new born babe to a “WTP” thanks to ForReal, Inc.
I am done with you. LOL
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:19 pm
Dan, you need to choose better women then.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
4:19 pm
And yes…he does have to pay court order child support while all of this is going on.
And…she changes the conditions of visitation as it suits her schedule, and there is little that he can do about it because every time she does it, he knows that he racks up more in legal fees with his attorney to have to haul her into court.
At a point, he’d had a nice little nest egg built up and was doing fairly well for himself…now, he’s borrowing money from his parents to pay his attorney’s costs.
For a while, because she had accused him of being mentally unstable, he could only see his child on visits supervised by his parents.
It’s just a mess. He is considering throwing his hands up.
I don’t envy his position one bit. And cannot understand the woman that would do such a thing. It is reprehensible.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
4:21 pm
“WTP” thanks to ForReal, Inc
Okay that was funny..LOL
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
4:23 pm
Raqi: I know you think I hate women but I’m for both the mother and the father and the child. There is over 20yrs of social data that clearly states that children do better when there is involvement from both parents with the parents are together or not. If the laws take away the incentive for pushing one parent out of the child’s life you would see a tremendous drop in women taking care of their kid by themselves. Well that and if women would stop insisting that father do thing for the baby exactly the way she does them. Don’t hold the spoon that way. Don’t step with your left foot first when you walk him. Wipe his face left to right, not right to left. You are suppose to put his sock on last. Move I’ll do it myself.
Sounds familiar Raqi?
DJ Sniper
January 26th, 2011
4:23 pm
SexyCool, a buddy of mine got full custody of his daughter a few years ago due to her mother being an epic fail of a parent. The mother owes him all kinds of child support and hasn’t paid one single dime, yet somehow she gets to drag him back into court year after year to accuse him of some fabricated bulls**t. He has pleaded with the judge to prosecute her like he would a man, but she turns on the tears and the judge lets her off with a slap on the wrist. He doesn’t need the child support to get by, but it pisses him off to know that if the situation was reversed, he probably would have been tossed behind bars before he could even say a word to the judge.
It pisses me off when I hear situations of good fathers trying their d**mdest to be involved in their kids lives, only to be stonewalled by a vindictive mother and a judicial system that is biased against them from the jump.
Lord Velonese
January 26th, 2011
4:24 pm
@SC Kein Scheiß sherlok, ein Cookie für Sie.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
4:24 pm
@SexyC ~ unfortunately, there are many women like her. The hurt in their hearts surpasses the love they have for the child and that should never be the case! I feel sorry for the child because they’re sitting back watching, reeling from the way it is all unfolding feeling helpless and trapped! What a way to grow up knowing one of your parents put their needs ahead of yours!
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:28 pm
Wow. I am just trying to imagine the mindset of watching your wife’s belly grow for 9 months and the whole time you are thinking “I can’t accept this baby until I get the DNA test”.
That person don’t even need to be in a position of making a baby. Why you even skeeting in a woman you don’t trust. LOL
Yeah as SexyCool’s example has shown there are some deceitful women, but dang not even trusting the woman you are riding on the regular and spending the entire 9 months of pregnancy looking forward to the day you get to do the DNA? While living “happily” with this same woman?
Just wow.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
4:30 pm
Wie gewohnt, fügen Sie nichts von wirklichem Wert auf die Diskussion. Kick Felsen.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
4:30 pm
SexyCool, guys like that I feel sorry for. In those instances I wish the men could give the woman what she wants and her not get anything.
She is living to make his life hell that’s all. I guarantee if he stopped fighting for custody and go on about his business her stupid arse…dang that makes me angry.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
4:30 pm
Raqi: Well let me say this last thing to you. Considering you sons, there is a better than 85% chance that your sons will one day appear on WTP all because some chick thought she would be better off with one of your sons than dude with the burnt beard.
Mo (aka Moeisha)
January 26th, 2011
4:31 pm
DJ Sniper – “It pisses me off when I hear situations of good fathers trying their d**mdest to be involved in their kids lives, only to be stonewalled by a vindictive mother and a judicial system that is biased against them from the jump”. I will co-sign this 100%
Its really crazy but I get looked at like I have a third eye/grew 4 feet/turned into Medusa when most folks see how well the ex and I interact. I have been told ‘ya’ll just frontin for folks’, ‘ya’ll cant possibly get along that well’, ‘you arent pissed that his girlfriend came to Lil Mo’s game/ole boy aint trippin that you brought your friend to the game’ or my personal fav ‘ya’ll still flucking cause aint no way ex spouses could be that cool’. Instead of being the norm, we are an anomalie (sp) and I think that is crazy!! We have a child together…why cant Lil Mo be first and we handle that? I have joint custody (at my insistence) of Lil Mo because Lil Mo is the priority