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Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?

I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?

I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?

Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

421 comments Add your comment

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
2:50 pm

Choose for what ForReal? I talk to my sisters that I have chosen more than I talk to the woman my parents birthed.

My sisters that I have chosen know more about me than my sister that shares my DNA.

My sisters I have chosen knew about my recent pregnancy(s) before my birth sister.

So what do you mean by choosing? What I am choosing for at this age? A confidant? A shoulder to cry on? A word of advice? I get that from the sisters I have chosen.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
2:51 pm

I don’t know how this convo is going on the tricked daddy but I do think for a woman to stick baby daddy status on the wrong guy doesn’t just hurt the kid or the trick daddy but also the bio dad..how did she know that guy didn’t want to be a daddy?

Wise Diva

January 26th, 2011
2:51 pm

yep, as usual, I could not have predicted the way the discussion would go LOL totally love it. (Still scratching my head reading Robert’s comments for the 2nd time LOL)

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
2:51 pm

DreamsMat, ain’t that the truth? LOL

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
2:52 pm

Why isn’t the problem the trick lied about a baby being yours enough?
Real Accountability. People don’t want to be accountable for their own actions, so they’re always looking to blame someone else.

But if you had to choose which one would you choose? Blood or Play Cousin?
Real Earl chose Carlito over his blood brother in Carlito’s way. haha

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
2:53 pm

“Like I said earlier, a strong man would still step up to the play for the sake of the child.”

And that’s exactly the way of thinking that makes some of these chicks think they can get away with the ol’ bait & switch to trap a dude who has his sh_t together… “he won’t know & if he ever does find out, he’ll be too attached to the kid to walk away…” — All the while knowing the real baby daddy is Ray Ray, living in his momma’s basement. F__k that. I have no idea what I would do if I was ever in that situation, but I sure as h3ll wouldn’t ever blame a dude for walking…

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
2:54 pm

Raqi, I believe she knew that I wasn’t the father, but for whatever reason, she wanted to name me. Thank God for DNA tests.

For Real, you are on point. Our egos being hurt due to the woman cheating on us isn’t even part of the equation. It’s the pure and simple fact that she lied about something so important as a child’s paternity.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
2:57 pm

Kym, I would imagine it hurts like hell for those fathers that do get caught up.

I am sitting here just trying to imagine my feeling if I was told one of my kids got switched in the hospital nursery and isn’t mine.

(JEOPARDY MUSIC PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND)
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I dare a heifer to come try to take my kid. She better be willing to go without because imma want the one I have now and the one that I birthed. LOL

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
2:58 pm

“Like I said earlier, a strong man would still step up to the play for the sake of the child.” – Oh and Leggs I meant to comment on this but this is just a trick women use to make men take responsibility for their fugg-ups. You should have said “It takes a strong women to not to lie to a man that he is the baby daddy and still keep him.”

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
2:58 pm

Why isn’t the problem the trick lied about a baby being yours enough?

ForReal, she is the problem. I said 10 posts ago that the woman that lied to you is the one you should be hating and dealing with. Don’t hate the child.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
2:59 pm

How do you all feel about this?

I’ve mentioned this on the blog before. A guy I was seeing had a daughter that he paid child support for but had no relationship with. He said one day out of the blue, her mother shows up on his doorstep with this 4 yr old saying it’s his. Of course they got the DNA test and all and she is his. He sends a check & that’s it. I found out about it towards the end of our relationship. It seemed weird that you have a child out there and have nothing to do with her. I mean not even a picture of her.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:01 pm

“Raqi, I believe she knew that I wasn’t the father, but for whatever reason, she wanted to name me. Thank God for DNA tests.” – Lets take it a step further, why isn’t a DNA test required for all births prior to issuing the birth certificates?

Kym

January 26th, 2011
3:02 pm

@Raqi..yeah I would kill a rock and dare a brick to breathe about the little fellow at my house. He eats all my food,talks to much, and half the time he smells like a puppy..but he is mine.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:02 pm

Kimmie, I bet the men on here will care more about the man sending money than him not wanting to spend time with his child.

It’s sad that a dollar bill means more than a living human being.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:03 pm

He eats all my food,talks to much, and half the time he smells like a puppy..but he is mine

LMBO Kym. Sounds like we got the same bred.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:04 pm

I said 10 posts ago that the woman that lied to you is the one you should be hating and dealing with. Don’t hate the child.” – I speaking to your ego post and the fact that it’s the lie that the child is his hurts his soul and not his ego.

I think we need to blog about a man’s ego cause I think women got it all wrong when it comes to a man’ ego.

Wise Diva

January 26th, 2011
3:05 pm

that’s a great topic For Real, gon’ write it up for me :)

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:05 pm

ForReal, you really hate women don’t you?

I would love to see the set of teeth on the woman that chewed you up and spit you out. Dude some of your comments bleed hurt.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
3:05 pm

Lets take it a step further, why isn’t a DNA test required for all births prior to issuing the birth certificates?

Let’s go all the way with that question because it seems to me and I guess it just depends on what day we’re tossing which topic..but I’d say accountability and responsibility might ought to get factored in way before we make babies and have a need for birth certificates and by both parties. Yeah, I know depending on the day of the week the time of day and whether it suits determines which way it gets tossed and spinned but but really all of us should know the crazy (thanks PG) in which we’re dealing, unless the condom broke, before making babies and families and stuff. Blame lies in the middle in a lot of today’s scenarios…she’s crazy for handing you a baby that’s knows is not her and yes a.k.a. trick but what and where are you that you didn’t know the type of broad, yes broad you was dealing with? Or dude…being trifle goes both ways.

Sultana

January 26th, 2011
3:07 pm

FWB SUCKS!!!!!!! I’ve tried FWB… with a man that I was freinds with and head over hills for and it did’nt work for me, all I did was cry, because I deserved more and we both should have known it.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 26th, 2011
3:07 pm

@For Real (3:04)

Didn’t you know a woman these days are imbued with much power; they know

how a man’s ego works,

how to tell a man to be a man, and

(my favorite) have to let a man be a man.

James Brown is ROIHG…

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:07 pm

Kimmie: “It seemed weird that you have a child out there and have nothing to do with her. I mean not even a picture of her.” – I don’t know the full circumstances but if it was me then my child would be with me way beyond a simple check. But from the little info you gave, ole boy actions are a total punk move and he shouldn’t be allow to stand to take a piss.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
3:09 pm

@Raqi.. King Weekend we went camping and I had to share a tent and a room with him. He snored and farted in the tent. The room had twin beds and I could hear him farting and snoring from the other side. Don’t get me started on the way those feet smell.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
3:09 pm

handing you a baby that’s knows is not her

that should have read handing you a baby she knows is not yours

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:10 pm

ForReal I had response to your 3:04 but the filter shredded it. LOL

It pretty much stated that you men can dish it (cheat on your woman) but you cannot take it (find out she is cheating on you).

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
3:11 pm

“ForReal, you really hate women don’t you?”

It has always sounded to me like what he hates is lying succubi… not women. Can’t say that I blame him there… :lol:

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:12 pm

Raqi: “ForReal, you really hate women don’t you?” – Why do you think I hate women? Why do you think some women chewed me out? Which comments read hurt?

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
3:13 pm

He shouldn’t be allowed to stand and pe.e because a chick that he obviously had a *casual* relationship with shows up, four years later, with a kid that he knew nothing about?

Really?

Actually, if he had no desire to parent the child, I would say the child *dodged a bullet* (since this seems to be the term that we are using today.)

Additionally, I would be interested in knowing the mother’s motivation for showing up four years later. Had she exhausted all other possibilities on Maury? Had something in her financial situation changed to cause her to seek his support? Did *his* family’s crazy traits start oozing out of the child’s pores and she wanted him to help her deal with it?

Kym

January 26th, 2011
3:14 pm

@Celisea..I think we are really gonna have to stop looking at back in the day for examples of folks standing up right about they kids..cause errrr..didn’t we just have a taste of that this week with Oprah finding out about a sister she didn’t know she had..cause her mama gave the baby away and still really doesn’t want to have much to do with her..and there was no mention at all of where her daddy was. Yeah back in the day they were tossing it up and hiding it to save face..now a days folks just a bit more free with the flow of information.

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
3:14 pm

For Real, I’m all in favor of mandatory DNA testing for kids born to unmarried parents. I know this situation happens to married couples as well, but if we’re gonna start somewhere, let’s start with unmarried couples. I’m pretty sure the rate of paternity fraud would be drastically reduced.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:16 pm

Celisea, exactly chica. If you can’t do the time don’t do the crime.

Every time they enter raw they know the possibility is there. Then they want to hollering “It ain’t mine”.

Hell ForReal and the like need to do many women in this country a favor. Go and round up those deadbeat arseholes that are running away from the responsibility of raising their own kids. Make them accountable. Those that are dropping seeds and not staying around to help harvest the fruit.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:19 pm

It has always sounded to me like what he hates is lying succubi… not women.

Swiss, to make a statement that every child and father should have to endure a DNA test before the birth certificate is signed just reeks of women are not to be trusted.

Only men that have been pissed on by a woman make those types of statements.

Heck if you got got admit it and move on. Don’t make every conversation about kids out to be all mother’s are lying tricks.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:19 pm

Swiss: “t has always sounded to me like what he hates is lying succubi… not women. Can’t say that I blame him there…” – Yeah and if sounds like I hate women cause I want them to be accountable for their actions well I guess I do hate those women that are not.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 26th, 2011
3:20 pm

“Those that are dropping seeds and not staying around to help harvest the fruit”

Pardon me, but does it not take fertile ground to bear fruit?

And did the man plow a field that he was not invited into?

So yeah, the dudes suck, but it takes 2……

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:21 pm

Really?

SexyCool, imma raise you a “WOW” spelled backwards. LOL

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
3:21 pm

Daggone it, my post to i’m swiss didn’t get through. Nevamind!!!!

Why isn’t the problem the trick lied about a baby being yours enough?

ForReal, she is the problem. I said 10 posts ago that the woman that lied to you is the one you should be hating and dealing with. Don’t hate the child.

That’s exactly what I’m saying too, i’m swiss and For Real!!

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
3:22 pm

4Real/SCool – You all know as much about the situation as I do. Really. We had been dating about a year & half when I found out thru the grapevine that the child even existed. One of my cousins confirmed it and I confronted him about it.

I can see both of your points of view. It’s his flesh & blood but like SCool said, if he has no desire to be a parent he’s probably actually doing the child a favor. Everyone just is not cut out or have the desire to be a parent. They have no paternal or maternal instincts.

I will say it opened my eyes about a lot of things concerning him.

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
3:23 pm

“Don’t make every conversation about kids out to be all mother’s are lying tricks”

Well, but this particular conversation started with an example of a mother who was, in fact, a lying trick… :lol:

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:27 pm

DJ Sniper, so just because a woman and man isn’t married she is more likely to be getting it on with some other dude? Really? So what does that say about the man’s choice in the women he chooses if he has to suspect her of cheating?

I will tell you one sure fire way to make sure the kid AINT yours. Don’t stick your richard in her. ‘kay. Or wear a condom.

“Benefits” of raw dogging doesn’t go to every one my friend.

LOL

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:28 pm

Raqi: “Only men that have been pissed on by a woman make those types of statements.” – Part of my work is in Family Law so although I haven’t been pissed personally, I have seen men lives ruined by women false accusations. I can pull a 1,000 cases that I have done showing how women lie and the courts support their lies all at the expense of men and that’s just the cases I have done. And having DNA test done prior to issuance of a birth certificate can save a lot people from the situation we talked about earlier.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:29 pm

Dang I am letting yall wear me out. Imma have to take a nap before my besties arrive tonight.

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
3:29 pm

Kimmie, I bet the men on here will care more about the man sending money than him not wanting to spend time with his child.
Raqi Not me. ;-)

I think we are really gonna have to stop looking at back in the day for examples of folks standing up right about they kids
Kym Yeah they were just as screwed up as we are. lol As a matter of fact, if we’re so screwed up it’s because they dropped the ball. It’s nothing new though…every generation glorifies their past while condemning the young. Truth is, everything that’s being done has been done.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
3:29 pm

Kym – @Celisea..I think we are really gonna have to stop looking at back in the day for examples of folks standing up right about they kids

I don’t think I mentioned “back in the day” as the source of examples for folks standing up right but I came along and was raised “back then” and can’t discount what I knew then and by comparison what I see now is not the same. Yeah, Ms. Dot next door got knocked up as a result of having sex (which has been here since the beginning…so it’s nothing new) and hid it but no way did you have 2nd graders giving head. Tell me something ain’t amiss. The shift overtime in practices is a part of my history…I speak from experience and what I know….as well as you. No we’re not the same but we should be able to post our beliefs and opinions and thoughts, no one person no more or over the other.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
3:33 pm

Raqi: “So what does that say about the man’s choice in the women he chooses if he has to suspect her of cheating? I will tell you one sure fire way to make sure the kid AINT yours. Don’t stick your richard in her. ‘kay. Or wear a condom.” – So don’t blame the women cause it’s all the man’s fault? She has no accountability whatsoever huh?

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:34 pm

I have seen men lives ruined by women false accusations.

But you have never seen a woman’s and/or child’s life ruined by a lazyarse deadbeat ejack that will not own up to his responsibility?

Dude I am willing to bet there are more kids out there whose fathers don’t want anything to do with them nor there mother because he just trifling than there are fathers or almost been fathers ruined by a lying woman.
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I have $3.76 right here in my nightstand. You wanna bet?

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
3:35 pm

Raqi, my statement about the mandatory tests mentioned the unmarried couples as a starting point. I’m not implying that unmarried folks are more promiscuous, but I don’t know how easy it would be to have mandatory tests for everyone, married and unmarried alike.

Also, my issue with paternity fraud has more to do with men who were told they were the child’s father when they really weren’t. I’m not too sympathetic to men who screw multiple women without wearing protection. Case in point: Antonio Cromartie.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
3:36 pm

Raqi – Your 3:16…I’m agreeing

every generation glorifies their past while condemning the young. Truth is, everything that’s being done has been done.

Fallacy at it’s finest. Like I said whatever day convenient, ya’ll was bashing kids all day yesterday and today it’s condeming the young generation. It’s not condemning, it’s recognizing the fact that folks wanna do whatever the heck they feel and lay blame where consequence comes. All MY generations (some of us) are saying, there’s no way you can walk and do whatever the heck you feel without consequence. I don’t find that condemning, I find that to be light and enlightment. And if that’s offensive, then roll on but don’t blame the world 20 or 30 years from now. I call it giving back, which is how it worked BACK IN THE DAY

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
3:37 pm

“I have $3.76 right here in my nightstand”

Dang! Is that the going rate? That’s a bargain! :lol:

(Sorry, Raqi — you know I’m just messing with you… but that was set up too perfectly to resist) :lol:

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
3:38 pm

I have $3.76 right here in my nightstand. You wanna bet?
I’ll raise you $3.77 that lying mothers are as plentiful as trifling fathers. lol It’s sad either way, and they both need to seriously reconsider their priorities.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
3:39 pm

And having DNA test done prior to issuance of a birth certificate can save a lot people from the situation we talked about earlier.

And what’s your solution to make those fathers that rightfully know the children are theirs responsible?

What’s your solution to making those men stop laying down making babies they have no intention on raising nor supporting?

What’s your solution to making those men stop showing up shooting their pregnant girlfriends carrying a baby that he shot up in her?

Yes some women lie. I will never say that is not the truth however their are way more women raising kids alone than there a fathers that are fathers by way of lies.