Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?
I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?
I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?
Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?
Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?
I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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421 comments Add your comment
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
1:35 pm
For Real – For Real now reaching inside Celisea’s blouse for Swiss’s prize.
Stop that…no prizes to be handed out here…well
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
1:36 pm
Human emotions are very complex. We all think we’ll know how we feel should such a situation hit us, like finding out a child is not bio yours that you’ve had a hand in raising. How could a man just walk away from the child after finding that out, some of you ask? The same way some walk away from those they KNOW are theirs. Or not walk away, just don’t have much to do with. Or are present in body only in the child’s life. It’s not always about blood. Everyone is not cut out to be a parent. Or if they are, everyone does not have the same level of paternal and maternal instincts.
My mom used to say – Live on. She said that to mean that the longer you live, the more things come up that may surprise you.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
1:36 pm
Never said anything about being BEST friends, although I would see nothing wrong with that.
However, we shall agree to disagree, dude.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
1:44 pm
SCool – I was in a similiar situation with an ex’s child. We had gotten close, but I had to pull away. It wasn’t fair to the ex & the new woman who was potentially going to be her new stepmother. The girl wasn’t being abused or anything. They deserved a chance to raise her without outside interference from me.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
1:44 pm
“However, we shall agree to disagree, dude.” – We still friend tho right?
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
1:45 pm
The title of Wife and Husband should be held wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy higher than a friend,
ForReal, but there is no other person that I would rather have as my best friend above all but who it already is and that’s my husband.
There are so many wives and husbands that are not friends at all. So while wife and husband do take priority over all others, your spouse should always be your friend.
i'm swiss™
January 26th, 2011
1:45 pm
“the child shouldn’t have to suffer because you see your woman now having 3 heads!”
Leggs — You probably didn’t mean it this way, but that ↑ makes it sound like the guy is the cause of the kid’s suffering. How about: “the child shouldn’t have to suffer because its mother IS a lying, trifling wh0re.” That sounds a bit more accurate to me…
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
1:45 pm
Without benefits, of course.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
1:46 pm
Raqi – I have a soft spot for kids too. You’d be surprised at how many don’t or just have a different level of concern.
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
1:48 pm
I get the whole chick thing about their husband being their best friend but it’s still a lie.
That romantic notion of love and marrying is a rather recent concept. Historically, people married out of practicality. Still true many places in the world.
Blackfoote
January 26th, 2011
1:49 pm
KYM:
Excuse me congrats to you for staying with the Black and Yellow I’ll be joining the bandwagon against the Green and Gold of course cause they stomped my Red and Black.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
1:54 pm
SexyCool, that’s a bit different than having raised that child as the only mother it will ever know and had.
I had written a lot more but Lizzy hit the keyboard and I lost it all. I don’t want to type it all over again. LOL
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
1:55 pm
Raqi – I have a friend who was going thru infertility with her husband. She had an older sister who had adopted 2 children and the family adored those kids. I asked my friend had she & her husband ever considered adoption. She said “Well no. I mean the child wouldn’t be ours so I don’t see how I could have any feelings for it. I mean, I guess I would have feelings later.” I realized then adoption was not an option for them like it was for her sister. I ran into her recently and they never had any kids.
People are just different.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
1:56 pm
@i’m swiss ~ actually, I meant it both ways. If the father removes himself as the father, then yes the child is suffering as a result of his actions which no doubt has been caused by the trifling mother! No matter how you slice it, the child is suffering and [s]he shouldn’t be!
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
1:57 pm
kimmie, yep.
Are there any adopted people on here or someone that has adopted a child?
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
1:59 pm
“ForReal, but there is no other person that I would rather have as my best friend above all but who it already is and that’s my husband.” – Yeahhhhh but I bet Mase didn’t marry you cause he wanted you to be his best friend. He married you cause you had and still has his back and sex and some food.
“Without benefits, of course” – So, we are FWOB for now?
“That romantic notion of love and marrying is a rather recent concept. Historically, people married out of practicality.” – My opinion is you can keep love. I need to like you and you need to like me.
DJ Sniper
January 26th, 2011
1:59 pm
Leggs, the child may be suffering, but the root cause is the lies by the mother. Can’t really look at the man as the bad guy.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
1:59 pm
kimmie, you 1:55 is exactly what I was thinking. There are many people that have adopted kids and love them like they gave birth to them. I bet you couldn’t pry those kids away if you tried to.
And then like you said some people feel they can only love that there shares an actual blood line.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
2:01 pm
“Are there any adopted people on here or someone that has adopted a child?” – I plan on a Woody Allen adopting Celisea.
Dan - Simply...Superior
January 26th, 2011
2:03 pm
The romantic notion of marriage is a hollywood invention.
Prior to the RomCom, accidentally knocked up, broke, and/or inheritance of property were the main reason for marriage.
Shiioot, men and women being “friends” can be linked to “when harry met sally”
NaTuRaL20
January 26th, 2011
2:03 pm
Back in the day, I’m sad to say, I did my share of FWB but it wasn’t called that back then. If I knew then what I knew now, I wouldn’t have chartered that water. Sex without emotional attachment just leaves you feeling empty. What real benefits are there anyway? And who is it actually benefitting?
If this is a really good long-term friend then most likely things will never go back to being the same between you. Otherwise let’s just keep it real, it’s a hook up. And the pleasure is only temporary because someone is eventually going to want out or get their heart broken. You know the song Trey Songz – Can’t Be Friends.
@Rell – Limited Edition stated in their comment “men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love”. This is so true. It sucks that men and women are so opposite on the love spectrum.
You might want to ask yourself “Do you think that trading sex for potentially losing a good friend is worth the benefit?”
@Robert – SMH.
Rell - Limited Edition
January 26th, 2011
2:04 pm
The romantic notion of marriage is a hollywood invention
^^^THE DEVIL IS A LIE^^^^
wow…marriage is not the problem…its the people that decide to join the holy institution…just WOW
Rell - Limited Edition
January 26th, 2011
2:11 pm
You might want to ask yourself “Do you think that trading sex for potentially losing a good friend is worth the benefit?”
- whats funny is that – are you not suppose to be in a relationshitp with your friend…its very hard to develop a friendship if your having sex or caught up in the lust and excitment of a new relationship…i always wondered why women will not get with there friends…but will try to turn a boyfriend into a friend…that may not be his aim for you…at least with your friend you are both starting from the same level and alot can be gained from it…we all seek acceptance from our mates…our friends give us that right
Kym
January 26th, 2011
2:11 pm
@Blackfoote..I am always with the Black and Yellow..Never a bandwagon fan. I have my Terrible Towel right now at the office as a banner. And while I appreciate your support..the Steeler Nation is fairly strong so we are not taking any new applications for immigrant status (bandwagon fans) at this time. Save your support for the Fakecons, they gonna need it.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
2:14 pm
Raqi – I know a few people who are adopted and they seem to be very well adjusted. They all were adopted as babies and were told as soon as they could understand.
I also know of several who have adopted children, some that have had their own biological kids and adopted. They all adore those kids just like they are their bio. In fact, most of them are matched up so well you would think they had given birth to them.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
2:15 pm
“Save your support for the Fakecons, they gonna need it.” – For Real is now locking Kym in a room with It’s Me while they try to decipher the meaning behind Romeo and Juliet.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
2:16 pm
“In fact, most of them are matched up so well you would think they had given birth to them” – Thus the term “if you feed them long enough they will start looking like you”
DJ Sniper
January 26th, 2011
2:17 pm
I’m also rooting for the Steelers to beat the Packers. Yea, I’m still bitter about how we lost to them in the playoffs too lol. Like Kym, I’m not a bandwagon jumper though. I will still support my team.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
2:17 pm
@DJ Sniper ~ we know the root cause is the woman, yet you can look at the father adding to it because he doesn’t have to take his love away if he really loved the child. His ego is making him retreat and no longer show his love for the child. Like Raqi V asked, how can you love one minute and completely abandon the next? He’s the only father this child ever knew. You can still love and support the person you helped nurture all these years. Hell, the child could be 12 years old when you find out. To completely walk out of this child’s life is huge. Like I said earlier, a strong man would still step up to the play for the sake of the child.
DJ Sniper
January 26th, 2011
2:21 pm
Leggs, you’re talking to someone who was almost a victim of paternity fraud, so that’s why I don’t really blame a man who chooses to remove himself from that particular situation.
Blackfoote
January 26th, 2011
2:22 pm
KYM:
LOL
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:25 pm
DJ Sniper, was it a true attempted paternity fraud or just a matter of the woman not knowing or being sure of who the father was?
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
2:27 pm
I mean the child wouldn’t be ours so I don’t see how I could have any feelings for it.
kimmie man some kid dodged a bullet and didn’t even know it.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:28 pm
For some reason reading some of these comments make me think it is not so much of the child not being yours, for the men, but more so of your ego being fatally wounded when you find out your woman was doing someone else behind your back. LOL So you don’t what you have to do to hurt that “trick”.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
2:29 pm
Dreams – You got that right!
Blackfoote
January 26th, 2011
2:32 pm
DJ SNIPER:
Man I still feel the pain too. If we don’t make some changes we might not make the playoffs this year.
KYM:
Are you a part of the Steeler nation at Duggans on Memorial DR?
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
2:33 pm
but more so of your ego being fatally wounded when you find out your woman was doing someone else behind your back.
FWB? Maybe? Let’s hope not…bringing forth life and all
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:33 pm
DreamsMat, I have come to learn that some people are just cut from a special kind of cloth.
Folks like that, the one kimmie mentioned, make you wonder do they not have love for their friends. With friends being people that we choose to have in our lives therefore we are choosing to love them with the blood line.
But then on the other hand maybe I am the only person that love my friends. In fact there is no difference in the love I have for my sister my parents birthed and my sisters I have gained over the years.
Rell - Limited Edition
January 26th, 2011
2:34 pm
For some reason reading some of these comments make me think it is not so much of the child not being yours, for the men, but more so of your ego being fatally wounded when you find out your woman was doing someone else behind your back. LOL So you don’t what you have to do to hurt that “trick”.
^^^true….thats why i walked from that situation…get your new ninja to fill the daddy role!..period…or the weak az.z baby daddy
SlimNumeroUno
January 26th, 2011
2:36 pm
Slim walking in all late n shyyyyyyyt giving the head nod to those who are close by….
Blackfoote
January 26th, 2011
2:37 pm
Raqi V:
I think you just said a mouthful. This is probably how a “scorned” man would act upon learning of this ruse. I can’t say I would fault him as I’ve never been in the situation but I believe his ego would definatley take a hit.
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
2:37 pm
With friends being people that we choose to have in our lives therefore we are choosing to love them with the blood line.
Raqi I believe you choose your family, at I do. There are friends of mine who are way more family to me than some who are blood-related. No way I put them over my friends because of some blood. Actually, some family members are toxic for no other reason than they know their family are the only ones who will put up with their shull bit. Not me though…go somewhere else with your foolishness.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:39 pm
Dang Rell. Sweet Jezuz, the beating some kids take without ever having a hand laid on them.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:41 pm
DreamsMat, I agree because my sisters are family.
But I am referring to those cousins, aunt and nephews that we just happen to share DNA with and cant do anything about. LOL
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
2:42 pm
DJ Sniper, was it a true attempted paternity fraud or just a matter of the woman not knowing or being sure of who the father was?” – What’s the difference?
but more so of your ego being fatally wounded when you find out your woman was doing someone else behind your back.” – EGO????? Why isn’t the problem the trick lied about a baby being yours enough? I mean that has to be the biggest lie a person can say other than you are dead. What does it have to do with ego? I can see how that ish would hurt anyone not just a man.
In fact there is no difference in the love I have for my sister my parents birthed and my sisters I have gained over the years.” – But if you had to choose which one would you choose? Blood or Play Cousin?
Kym
January 26th, 2011
2:44 pm
@Blackfoote..uhh no..I live in Hen-ray..I am not driving that far to see the game..I have a perfectly good tv and couch at home where I am free to cuss, scream, cry, yell and occassionally throw things at the tv without interruption or threat of being tossed out.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:45 pm
Kimmie, I just thought of something. How in the heck do that man and woman love each other? Unless they are inbred. LOL Being that they can only love blood kin.
Raqi V
January 26th, 2011
2:46 pm
What’s the difference?
The difference is as stated today on the here blog you men are not the only ones capable of sexing multiple partners. Yeah I know that’s a hard blow for you but yall aint got the monoply on that thing like yall wish ya had.
LOL
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
2:47 pm
But I am referring to those cousins, aunt and nephews that we just happen to share DNA with and cant do anything about.
Raqi they can kick rocks! I’m not being funny either. If I only see or talk to you every 10 years at the family reunion, you’re always getting locked up, have done other family members wrong, have done me wrong, always seem to attract drama because of bad decision making, or don’t behave in any way that says you love me like family, then stay away from my doorstep.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
2:49 pm
@DreamsM ~ I have a sister like that and I hope she never finds out where I live! So far so good!