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Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?

I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?

I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?

Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

421 comments Add your comment

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:50 pm

Da Man – I think I’m good on the topic. Gotta be honest though initially I didn’t think in terms of spending time together, doing things, spooning…I’m thinking sex. However I do think Blantino phrased it (for him)…she’ll do until something better comes along. Me personally, I got a problem with that. But yeah, I’m seeing a variation from what some have said in sexing/friending/hanging out rather than…just sex, no talking, speaking, asking, wanting, getting…in and out…pure sex.

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
12:51 pm

Leggs & Celisea … can we be FWB???

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
12:55 pm

Ladies … Has it ever occurred to you that Men lie about what they want initially (sex) b/c YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
12:58 pm

“How is it the love was all strong and active as long as you thought the child is yours, but when you find out it’s not that love rapidly diminishes?”

Never been in this situation, thankfully, but I can see how feelings would change. Much the same as the love was “all strong and active” with the mother until he found out she was a lying wh0re, then his feelings changed…

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:02 pm

“How is it the love was all strong and active as long as you thought the child is yours, but when you find out it’s not that love rapidly diminishes?” – I ain’t saying it’s right but I understand. Cause all these people talking about they can’t understand BETRAYAL they are lying.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 26th, 2011
1:03 pm

And would someone tell me where straight men go to the mall and/or shopping with straight female and aren’t engaged in any kinda sexual activity before or after?

Y’all making that isht up

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:05 pm

Da-Man, really what other main reason does a man get with a woman? LOL Yes there are some that like the sheer company and conversation of the woman, but mostly and usually the initial driving force is the sex. All the other stuff for you all is stuff that evolves into the relationship over time.

Even men that are openly looking for a wife is looking for sex with that wife. LOL

Most women over 25 should know that men want sex when they approach. It may not be all he wants but it’s at the top of the list. Chances are he will not be sticking around for long periods of time once he realizes it will not be happening.

Now that does not mean men and women cannot be friends without sex. Neither does it mean men have never started relationships with women that they have been friends with for years without sex. But we all know that men don’t be friends with woman they will not sex. And by that I mean yall don’t keep company with woman that you don’t find attractive even when sex is never mentioned.

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
1:05 pm

Da_MAN… it’s still abad situatuation. Obviously if I am going to movies and mall, etc and screwiing this guy…it is because I like him. I have more than friends feelings for him. Hell I have girlfriends I can go to the mall and movies with. I have enough friends! If I want a male concubine…I’d make sure he was nothing but fine and good in bed. But best believe the only reason he’s get a call is because it’s time to unclog the pipes..and then go home!

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:06 pm

Oh and as for FWB…. IF YOU AIN’T MARRIED THEN YOU IN A FWB RELATIONSHIP!!!!

cba

January 26th, 2011
1:06 pm

Robert might need an army issued vest because some of these husbands go postal. There was an incident in Marietta last month. I believed the husband was a federal cop, he killed the playa and chased the wife down the street to shoot her several times.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:07 pm

“And would someone tell me where straight men go to the mall and/or shopping with straight female and aren’t engaged in any kinda sexual activity before or after?” – In movies and tv shows they do it all the time.

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
1:08 pm

“Has it ever occurred to you that Men lie about what they want initially (sex) b/c YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”

That sir is some cocamamy BS that men make up in their heads to make themselves feel better about being an a$$hole liar who has to lie to get puddy! Yeah ok buddy…whatever helps you sleep at night! If you believe that..I have a bridge to sell you while we are at it! :roll:

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:09 pm

“Most women over 25 should know that men want sex when they approach. It may not be all he wants but it’s at the top of the list. Chances are he will not be sticking around for long periods of time once he realizes it will not be happening.” – Finally, a chick that is not surprised by the fact that men want to have sex with them. Zippppppppppppppppppp!!!!!! For Real now reaching inside for Raqi’s prize. It’s in here somewhere.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
1:09 pm

Just got an email from olem…he’s having a hissy fit at his desk cuz he wants to chime in on the discussion. He says his knuckles are tingling cuz he has so many comments to make. ForReal he wants you to hold down the fort. Raqi he almost bit his own lip with laughter reading your 12:35.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:09 pm

Swiss and ForReal, okay hate the mother. I get and understand. Hell take her and have her tarred and feather. But why stop loving the child for something the child has not control over?

How do you take back love?

Have neither of you never had a friend that you loved like a brother? Or in fact more than your own blood brother?

Yes? No?

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:12 pm

“And by that I mean yall don’t keep company with woman that you don’t find attractive even when sex is never mentioned.” – Now that simply is not a true statement. It’s a know fact mandom that women can’t stand to see an ugly chick with handsome dude and that women will do whatever they have to do in order to save the dude from that ugly chick. Thus, every man keeps an ugly chick as friend for medicinal purposes.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:12 pm

It’s in here somewhere.

Is it that small??? Dang. Hold on I think I have a magnifying glass in my nightstand. LOL

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
1:13 pm

And even if you are married, you are in a FWB relationship…or at least you should be.

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
1:14 pm

Much the same as the love was “all strong and active” with the mother until he found out she was a lying wh0re, then his feelings changed…
swiss not quite the same. Your love for your child is truly unconditional. Besides, the lying whore actually did something personally to hurt you, and that’s what changed things. What did the child do to you personally to make things change?

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
1:14 pm

@Celisea ~ glad you understand “the words that are coming out of my mouth.” :lol:

@Da_Man ~ do you realize women lie cuz you can’t handle the truth?!?!?

How is it the love was all strong and active as long as you thought the child is yours, but when you find out it’s not that love rapidly diminishes?” This is just another form of “turtling.” Once you know this information, it affects every level of your being!

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
1:16 pm

Leggs:

He can’t use olem to get in?………LOL

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:17 pm

Leggs – @Celisea ~ glad you understand “the words that are coming out of my mouth.”

I always laughed at that line in the movie

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:17 pm

laugh not laughed

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:17 pm

Raqi — I have no idea what my feelings would be toward the kid if I were ever in that situation and, obviously, I hope I never find out. I’m just saying I could understand why feelings would change toward the kid, whether or not it was the kid’s fault.

And I do think it’s total BS for the guy to be required by the courts to pay child support to the mother (as is she’s really using all that $$ only for the kid). Support the kid directly — pay for clothes, school stuff, whatever, but I would me uber-pi$$ed if I had to shell out cash to that ho… :lol:

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:18 pm

But why stop loving the child for something the child has not control over? – Of all people women know BETRAYAL is a very hard pill to swallow. Now couple that with being forced to pay for the child and not having any legal rights to the child. Like I said, it may not be right but I understand if love don’t live here no mo.

How do you take back love? The same way it’s given. Lies breakdown love like trying to chase moonshine with coke. When trust is broken what do you have? And I know the child didn’t break the trust.

Have neither of you never had a friend that you loved like a brother? Or in fact more than your own blood brother? – Yes but if they betrayed me, then we done.

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:18 pm

oops… should have read “as if she’s really using all that $$…”

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:18 pm

Blackfoote – I talked to olem yesterday…he’s totally blocked…all the way…no way getting in…he needs to speak with 2Can cause he got back in somehow…probably after his probation was over though :)

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:19 pm

Hey OLEM….how are you today…(waiving)

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:19 pm

also.. should have read “I would be” — not “me”

Can’t type today, apparently…

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
1:22 pm

I would think that sometimes it is not about not loving the child any longer or *stopping* your love for the child, but that it would be more about loving myself enough to withdraw physically and emotionally from a bad/hurtful/I’makillabytch situation.

As noble as an idea as remaining there for a child would be, I would fully support a person who finds himself in this position making the decision that is to his best benefit.

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:23 pm

Me.lo — If you’re out there… Here’s a tutorial on ways to bypass firewalls & internet filters…

PrincessNik

January 26th, 2011
1:23 pm

And I do think it’s total BS for the guy to be required by the courts to pay child support to the mother (as is she’s really using all that $$ only for the kid). Support the kid directly — pay for clothes, school stuff, whatever, but I would me uber-pi$$ed if I had to shell out cash to that ho

Swiss, is this your feelings on Child support in general?

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
1:25 pm

OLEM….we miss you! Muah…besitos!

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:25 pm

SexyCool, girl…I loves me some you. Ain’t that the truth.

No one freely nor happily stays in a relationship that they are not getting anything out of. It’s all about benefits and that is not a bad thing.

Hell just to love someone and have them love you back is an exchange of benefits. Not to mention all else that goes on in relationships.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:25 pm

“And even if you are married, you are in a FWB relationship…or at least you should be.” – Not true. If I’m married to you, you better be my wife and some dayum friend you can walk away from cause
Raqi: Is it that small??? Dang. Hold on I think I have a magnifying glass in my nightstand.

For Real: Okay

Raqi: I still don’t see it.

For Real: You have to feel around for it. Here put this vanilla scented lotion on your hands.

she keeps buying the same shoe and blouse as you do. The title of Wife and Husband should be held wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy higher than a friend, cause friends come and go but I get chicks like that whole “my husband is my best friend” ish even if it ain’t true.

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
1:25 pm

Celisea:

2c too?…….OLEM what’s up your words of wisdom have been missed.

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:25 pm

Princess — No, only in the particular case Raqi referenced (the child wasn’t his, but the mother lied & led him to believe it was)

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:27 pm

“Your love for your child is truly unconditional.” – Untrue!

PrincessNik

January 26th, 2011
1:27 pm

Swiss,

I thought so, but I didn’t want to assume ;)

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:27 pm

Blackfoote – Nah not now (2Can that is)…he was a pretty bad boy a year or so ago and got banned big time…he was funny though. Sort of like the blog’s vigilante…toooo funny.

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
1:28 pm

So…FReal – a person can’t be a husband and a friend or a wife and a friend, at the same time?!?

Um…yeah…okay.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:28 pm

SexyCool, now I don’t love you no more. LOL

I get the hurt that would be there. But to just stop loving a child? I guess if I was not in a position where I spend so much time around children I would feel differently. Children are innocent.

It breaks my heart just to imagine a person after raising a child for years as their own thinking it’s their own to stand and tell that child “I don’t and/or can’t love you any more because you are not mine”. That breaks my heart.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 26th, 2011
1:29 pm

I think if you just tried a name change you’d be okay

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
1:31 pm

Dan – He’s tried that…I think his IP address has been blocked. OLEM, can you blog from a phone?

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:31 pm

“And I do think it’s total BS for the guy to be required by the courts to pay child support to the mother (as is she’s really using all that $$ only for the kid). Support the kid directly — pay for clothes, school stuff, whatever, but I would me uber-pi$$ed if I had to shell out cash to that ho” – I agree 100%. Snap, Snap… For Real now reaching inside Celisea’s blouse for Swiss’s prize.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
1:31 pm

And I guess for people who don’t just love kids in general can turn that love on and off based on whether the child is blood related.

I am a softy when it comes to children.

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
1:33 pm

Dan — I don’t know if this is what happened to Me.lo, but they’ve tried to block me by IP — ahem — a few times. “Tried” being the operative word. :lol: The tutorial I linked has some ways he can get out of purgatory…

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
1:34 pm

Rock, I didn’t say that you could/should/would *stop* loving the child. It’s just that I would need to make the best decision for me in that rather difficult situation.

I can even point to the example of Shthead’s kid. At one point, I used to have that child more than either one of his parents did. But, when the relationship ended, so did my involvement with him. Could I have developed a relationship with his mother to ensure that I remained a part of his life? Most certainly, I mean…we are active/posting/commenting FaceBook friends. (lol)

But really, while I still have quite a fondness for the kid, it was the best decision for ME to fall back and remove myself from his life.

So, I didn’t *stop* loving him. I just made the decision that I needed to because my peace of mind was more important to me.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
1:34 pm

But, I agree, the child shouldn’t have to suffer because you see your woman now having 3 heads! It takes a strong man to be able to shelter and still love the child while throwing daggers at the woman.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
1:34 pm

“a person can’t be a husband and a friend or a wife and a friend, at the same time?!?” – Hell no, I didn’t marry you for you to be my friend. I married you for you to be my wife. If I want a friend that has sex with me then could have just stuck with FWB but again, I get the whole chick thing about their husband being their best friend but it’s still a lie.