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Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?

I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?

I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?

Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

421 comments Add your comment

TenderRoni

January 26th, 2011
11:59 am

@BMW- I like your 11:35 post too. You elborated more than I could.

I am up front with my intentions..but I can’t say the same for men. At the point you know you don’t want a relationship with the woman, take accountability and leave her alone, don’t wiggle your words to still have emotional attachment with her, so she can be there for you.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
12:00 pm

@Raqi V ~ those men should be commendable. Demi/God/Alvin was like that. PoppaG may pipe in and help me out, but in the case of the man raising the child as his own and then divorcing and balking at child spport, I believe the courts will deem him obligated to pay child support. It’s the only life style the child knows (him as his father and being in his live supporting him), so he should continue doing so until the child is 18. The child should not suffer because you’re no longer with its mother. You took on the role as his father from birth; therefore, you can continue until he reaches 18. I’m not saying this man is one of those, I just remember a case similar to this.

Am I barking up the right tree, PoppaG?

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:06 pm

Did any of you catch Oprah yesterday? When I woke from my nap I caught tail end of the show where there were two couples that were married and both discovered they were gay. Or better yet wanted to be gay.

The one couple that the grand-godmother and I were talking about was the couple the exclaimed over and over again that they had a happy marriage at the time of the discovery. I asked her a question jokingly about how it seems that these days being sexually attracted to your husband or wife plays no part in being happily married to them. LOL

I mean really is that even possible? Can a man and a woman be in a happy relationship and not be sexually attracted to each other? And even better yet, they BOTH proclaimed to being gay while married to each other. I guess they could have been happy together without being sexually attracted to each being that they really weren’t requiring any type of sexual intimacy from the other. There was not room for either to feel unloved or neglected in that area when the desire nor expectations were there.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
12:06 pm

“should I be happy with my one and only FWB while his numbers are off the chart?” – Not sure I understand the point here. When it comes to number 1 may be too much for some but can you example further?

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:11 pm

balking at child spport, I believe the courts will deem him obligated to pay child support

Leggs, I don’t doubt that the courts would make him pay. I think there was something in the news not too long ago about the man finding out after the fact that the child his wife gave birth to during their marriage was not his. They divorced after the child was several years because he found out it was not his. However the courts made him pay because he not only signed the birth certificate but he had raised the child as his.

I can only imagine the hurt that would bring to a man in finding out a child he thought was his for years and raised as his turns out not to be, but how can anyone at the drop of a hat unlove a child like that. Children are innocent.

I imagine too that the guy recently in the news was more concerned with making the mother pay for what she did, but why hurt the child?

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:15 pm

For Real – Just plain ole speaking…..maybe I’m mistaken and surely not the one to speak to any of this but I’m thinking she’s got the FWB thing going on and that may be her only thing (physical) she’s got going on. I mean I can’t see (and I might to the left) of having several FWB going on at once (that don’t seem cool…IMO), but let’s say he’s her only FWB where she’s wishing and hoping for more while he’s got several. Should she pretend she’s cool with that…him being her one and only (albeit FWB) while he entertains as he wish under this “understanding”

Rell - Limited Edition

January 26th, 2011
12:15 pm

@LOL…@ROBERT…sounds good player …you need more people

Kym

January 26th, 2011
12:16 pm

Okay wait did I miss something? When you folks meet a new guy you immediately stop dating, talking etc..with every other guy you know? I mean you immediately become exclusive to only this new guy?

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:19 pm

No…not when you met a new guy…you don’t drop, stop talking or dating others. You don’t do that when you’re dating someone exclusive. You still have friends. However, I for one ain’t sexing but one at a time. So, I was asking about the FWB…I guess I should ask do women have several FWBs….cause we know men do.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
12:20 pm

“but how can anyone at the drop of a hat unlove a child like that. Children are innocent.” – It’s not about “unloving the child” it’s about “un-being forced to pay for a child that is not yours”.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
12:20 pm

Raqi – Folks are off the charts these days with what THEY define or accept as marriage! Yesterday on Michael Baisden they were talking about open marriage and had a couple that had such an arrangement. The wife said it started when her hubby came home and told her he was falling in love with another woman. She said she agreed to the open thing because it beat losing her husband. It didn’t sound like they had any kids, though I came in after the show started. She said if your hubby is wanting to get with other women, that’s nothing to break up over. She said they both not only slept with others, but they spent the night with others, went on vacation with others and I think she said her hubby spent the entire summer with another woman! The hubby came on and talked some. Baisden asked if they made it a rule to always use condoms when they slept with others and he said NO! He said they “have” gotten tested with others, but yeah, they go raw with others! It sounded like hubby was having a ball and although wife claimed to be all for it, she came off to me like she was desperate to hold on to him and is forcing herself to go along with it.

It was wild to hear, though. I think it was a bit much even for Baisden!

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:22 pm

You don’t do that when you’re dating someone exclusive….well the dating you stop but life continues. But we’re not talking about exclusive we’re talking about women that do the FWB thing.

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
12:23 pm

KYM:

My dear I am far from being a deacon….LOL……..I think everyone have a rigth to be in what kind of situation they want to be involved in but if it’s just sexual I’ll make this analogy. My grandma washed my mouth out with soap once because I spurted out the word lie in a conversation. But had I said that word when she wasn’t around I would have been spaired the humiliation for a six year old. Now if we gon do the do with no emotion involved then tell me why would it even be neccessary to do it. I understand you have trust issues right now but didn’t mom or grandma tell you at some point that being sexual is emotional for girls.

BMW:

LOL……..you put a curse on that dude?……..LOL

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
12:23 pm

but how can anyone at the drop of a hat unlove a child like that.
Raqi you can’t. If you can, then I’d say you didn’t really love them to begin with. People need to stop playing around with kids’ lives. They don’t realize how much these things are affecting the children and influencing the adults they’ll grow to be. Kids didn’t ask to be here, and alot of the things these parents are doing is setting these kids up for failure in a world they didn’t ask to be in. Shame on them.

When you folks meet a new guy you immediately stop dating, talking etc..with every other guy you know?
Kym I always assume she has other guys in her life when I meet her, in one capacity or another.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
12:24 pm

“Should she pretend she’s cool with that…him being her one and only (albeit FWB) while he entertains as he wish under this “understanding” – If he states up front that she is and will not be his only FWB and she agrees to FWB, then yes should be cool with her decision. If he lies and tell her she is his only FWB, then should be pissed off and should reconsider her decision to consider him as Friend at all.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:24 pm

When you folks meet a new guy you immediately stop dating, talking etc..with every other guy you know?

Kym, that kinda what I was thinking. Many people do date more than one person at a time and have sexual relations with some or each of them.

A lot of examples that I have read here where many stated they were FWB sounds much like folks just dating with being exclusive to one person.

Just because it may not be the way I have done (multiple sexual partners) I do understand that it is the norm for many.

Or is that what you are talking about? I have been skip reading. LOL

I think most cases are truly “just dating” situations. Fluckbuddy don’t really hangout or accompany each other to outside events. Those that do are pretty much doing what people that date are doing hence putting them in the category of dating even though the are not admitting to it.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:24 pm

Too Kim….if folks do drop everything upon meeting a new guy, is it not within their rights to do? You always say everybody ain’t the same and it shouldn’t be a thing incredible or unbelievable just because it’s not something another would or wouldn’t do.

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
12:24 pm

Sometimes, I have to give Bais.den the side-eye on the bllsht that he airs on his show.

He *seems* to be pushing this *swinger/open relationship* agenda under the guise of “starting a conversation about the state of relationships today.”

When really, it just has the grimey feel of promoting the lifestyle and attempting to persuade people into accepting the idea of being into that.

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
12:25 pm

Wow … Robert has an eventful weekend, you sure you’re not letting your palm live vicariously through a fictional character. It’s okay if you are, nothing wrong with a “beautiful mind”.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:27 pm

Got it For Real.

Everbody is different and have a right to do as believe is best for you.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
12:27 pm

“I guess I should ask do women have several FWBs….cause we know men do.” – Yes some women do have multiple FWBs. This too should be obvious to you.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:28 pm

Robert…just wow….you even sound kind of excited

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
12:30 pm

Now if we gon do the do with no emotion involved then tell me why would it even be neccessary to do it. Yeah, someone shed light on this wonderful question!!!

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:30 pm

Kimmie, I know there are people out there with open relationships, but those couples on Oprah were not in open relationships. They actually divorced after both “realizing” they were gay. The scratching of my head was about the being happily married yet having no sexual attraction for your spouse. The one thing many, many couples break up over. The lack of desired intimacy.

The couples on Oprah had children and they said how although the mother lived with her woman and the father lived with his man, they were one big ole happy family and there was never any love lost between the two.
I just find that odd. LOL I have heard of situations where one spouse may pull away and say they have felt attraction for the same sex for years, but for both to say they are gay is just weird.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
12:32 pm

He *seems* to be pushing this *swinger/open relationship* agenda under the guise of “starting a conversation about the state of relationships today.”

SCool – Glad to know I’m not the only one that sees this! Somedays, I have to change the station. He is so obvious, he practically foams at the mouth over this stuff. If he’s cool with it, fine, but he tries to act like if anyone else doesn’t care for it, something is wrong with them or they are a prude! He had this show on basically dogging women who were unemployed but would not strip to make money!

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
12:33 pm

The saddest part about the whole *Robert* scenario…(for some reason, Rickey Smiley’s “We Miss Robert” keeps playing in my head)…is that once he actually finds someone that he can really be into or once he gets old and tired and actually doesn’t want to wake up alone on a regular basis or once his DickJohnson falls off, he will be so jaded and mistrusting and carry so much negative energy that a real relationship will never have an opportunity to thrive.

So, while he thinks he’s KingSht right about now, in the long run, this lifestyle is probably not going to look so pretty.

Karma is a mean, unforgiving bytch.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:34 pm

If you can, then I’d say you didn’t really love them to begin with.

DreamsMat, I agree. How is it the love was all strong and active as long as you thought the child is yours, but when you find out it’s not that love rapidly diminishes? That I just don’t get. Like you said it could not have been there in the beginning.

And then some folks are just so selfish they don’t care who the hurt. The mother for lying to the man, and the man for coldhearted disowning his child.

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
12:34 pm

Now if we gon do the do with no emotion involved then tell me why would it even be neccessary to do it.
Blackfoote People have sex because it’s “necessary”, they do it because the want to…because there’s still pleasure involved. No emotions doesn’t mean no pleasure…for most.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
12:34 pm

Raqi – That is crazy, that both would come to that realization. Wonders never cease!

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
12:35 pm

ROBERT…I curse you. May it burn when you pee, and may every erection flee.

This will have me cracking up all day……..LOL

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:35 pm

kimmie and SexyCool, I could never really listen to that guy. He comes off as a real arsewipe.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
12:35 pm

@Blackfoote..I am not sure how your grandmother and soap got in the convo. But I can assure you that again there is more to a FWB relationship than just sex but since that seems to be the only aspect you choose to focus on and since I can speak for only me, myself and I. I am far from the swooning southern belle when it comes to sex. Can I have sex for sex sake yes..does it make me some how void of emotions no.

I’m an adult..I tend to try to seek the attention and spend time with men who act like adults..which means if I say I am only going to be able to give this much at this time and he states he is only going to be able to give this much at this time. No one is worried about if the other person is going to fall madly in love. As a matter of fact if one does begin to have these feelings they should be able to as an adult refer back to the original conversation and express these new found feelings as adults. I am sure there are men folks and women folks out there who lack the capacity to have this type of conversation but I tend to stick with those I know who have the ability to handle a relationship like this.

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
12:35 pm

@Leggs … you may be mixing up “emotions”. I’m thinking no emotions = no attachments (girlfriend/boyfriend … dating). However, emotions like passion and/or lust for doing the do is always going to bet there.

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
12:36 pm

“I guess I should ask do women have several FWBs….cause we know men do.”

Hell no…my puddy ain’t the goverment cheese line! I don’t shell it out to just anybody because he smiled and took on a date. I am very Puddy Selective! That is why FWB don’t work for me. A quick nut is not worth my time. Just because men want to be nasty h0es and dip the stick in anything born female with a pulse does not mean I should do the same. I don’t want just any fool up “in” Woman’s Land!

“It’s not about “unloving the child” it’s about “un-being forced to pay for a child that is not yours”.

In the case of a cheating wife…no the ex-husband should not have to pay. But if he is morally sound he would not want the child to suffer because the mom is a slut! Now if the man knew from the getty up that the kids wasn;t his and yet he saigned on to be dad. Then just like the Marine’s tattoo (USMC) in this case that stands for “You Signed Motherxxxxing Contract). No honor it. Because it is no longer about her. Its about the kids you agreed to raise as yours. If you adpot a kid…you can’t just give it back years later because you no longer want to be a parent!

KIMMIE…that woman digusts me! How pathetic can you be to chuck your pride and self love aside just to keep a man that does not love or respect you? When she gets some disease and she is alone…because trust he will finally be the one to say he no longer wants to be married to her…she might go off the deep end. She could end up Snapped!

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:38 pm

BMW – Hell no…my puddy ain’t the goverment cheese line! I don’t shell it out to just anybody because he smiled and took on a date. I am very Puddy Selective! That is why FWB don’t work for me. A quick nut is not worth my time.

Thanks…good knowing I’m not the only abnormal person blogging…LOL

SexyCool

January 26th, 2011
12:38 pm

Yeah…No…I don’t listen to Bais.den all that often, but most every time I do, it feels kinda slimey.

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
12:38 pm

BLACKFOOTE…I sure did. After all…I did win the Blog Award for “Most Likely to Live up to my Blog Persona”! :lol:

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:39 pm

he will be so jaded and mistrusting

SexyCool, you are right. He will be the very guy that starts to think women want him just for his money. LOL

When truly in actuality he does not realize that right now doing what he is doing he is buying sex. Makes you wonder is that the only way he can get it.

I am not trying to throw jabs at him or anything but he is bragging about getting sex by helping his ‘friends’ out financially, that’s just buying sex. Hell he don’t realize he is the one being used.

Truly a “player” getting played.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:39 pm

I used to listen to Mike Baisden back in the day when he first hit the scene but he’s become so jaded that I can’t stomach him for more than 5 minutes or so.

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
12:39 pm

To answer Kym’s question: I don’t advise immediately dropping everybody else as soon as you meet someone new. Whenever I met a new woman, I assumed that she had others that she was dealing with, as did I. Once I saw that things were starting to progress to something more serious, that’s when I started cutting other people off.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
12:39 pm

“Now if we gon do the do with no emotion involved then tell me why would it even be neccessary to do it. Yeah, someone shed light on this wonderful question!!!” – BECAUSE IT’S FUGGING FUN TO DO!!!! I MEAN DAYUM SEX FOR PROCREATION DIED WHEN WE BEGAN TO WALK UPRIGHT!!!

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:40 pm

….and I was gonna say it but Blackfoote beat me to it…Robert dude you’re gonna burn (pun intended) for that behavior.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
12:40 pm

@Celisea I agree if a person drops all because they can only be exclusive with one person at a time..then cool if it works for them.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:42 pm

Just in case you didn’t know Robert, we ain’t cool reading a chick talking about a married man no more than a man doing wives…just so not cool

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
12:42 pm

@Celisea ~ you we’re riding on the same train!

@da_man/DreamsM ~ I definitely understand people have sex because it’s “necessary.” What’s unnecessary is the lies to get to the sex. Not many willing start out openly admitting all they’re looking for is a FWB. Dating has so many levels one needs to lead with the head on the shoulders and not the head/trobbing in one’s pants or under their skirt!!!

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
12:43 pm

As far as the whole child support discussion goes, I think that any man who finds out a child is not his after the fact should be freed from their financial obligations. If this were mandatory, maybe you wouldn’t have women who lie about the child’s paternity. Now, if he knew from jump the kid wasn’t his and he signed the birth certificate, then I have no sympathy for him.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
12:43 pm

Quoting myself and adding a point I meant to type…

“Hell he don’t realize he is the one being used because I guarantee you some guy (i.e. the husbands or some other) is getting that sex for free.”

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
12:43 pm

Dreams:

“No emotions doesn’t mean no pleasure…for most”……..point exactly….”for most”

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
12:44 pm

Celisea & BMW … I believe you are getting FWB mixed up with a 1 night stand or being a jump-off. Your friend that engage in sexual relations with you is more than likely not just trying to get a quick nut.

And lets all just be honest … the “B” in FWB = sex. Anything else like spending time at the Mall, Movies, Sports-bar is just a good friendship …

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
12:45 pm

Leggs – @Celisea ~ you we’re riding on the same train!

Yeah, I know you onboard too :) It ain’t just me and BMW…LOL