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Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?

I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?

I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?

Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

421 comments Add your comment

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
11:12 am

Blat: “a BIG reason for not wanting to be tied down is that you know instantly that the girl isn’t “the one”, but she’ll do for now…” – It has absolutely nothing to do with the girl period. It’s a simple choice of freedom vs none freedom.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
11:12 am

4Real – Come on, join the par-tay!!!!

Ted Kennedy

January 26th, 2011
11:13 am

I’ll drink to that….

Simple Man!!! Back in the Building!!!!

January 26th, 2011
11:14 am

Lets see…..FWB among grown folks that are making choices with their eyes open…..Yeah..thats a good thing!!!

BTW Whats up folks Hope everyone is well!!! (Especially Ared :D )

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
11:16 am

@BLATino … FWB is like renting the house in opposed to buying. Alot less sacrifices and obligations than dating. FWB shouldn’t lead you down the path of thinking …

“if I’m good enough to get nasty with and spend time with outside of that, then why aren’t i good enough to be your girlfriend”

In a fair FWB sex can be removed from the relationship and without any neg fall-out. I don’t think holding sex hostage in a relationship will work out well.

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
11:16 am

Kym, that’s happened to me before. I met a chick in a club one night, and we went back to her place afterwards and got down. I was able to get back in touch with her a few weeks later and we hooked up a few more times. We both were digging each other for more than just sex, so we ended up making things official. We didn’t last, but we’re still good friends.

BLATino (the rumors of my demise have been GREATLY exagerrated)

January 26th, 2011
11:17 am

ForReal – I’ll give you that. A man does love his freedom, and most of us don’t give it up without a fight.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:17 am

Blatino – Your 11:11, exactly. You admitted to what I’ve always believed and for that reason could never enter into that type of agreement.

Folks do it but sometimes not honest in how they’re hoping it will go or not honest about their feelngs involved or can’t control catching feelngs. Truthfully, I’ve never had sex prior to establishing something solid because honestly I didn’t want to be in the position of wanting or hoping for more but felt I couldn’t ask or could ask but the answer would be hey you knew what it was

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
11:18 am

the fwb is why dating has becoming so cumbersome
Tenderoni Dating isn’t cumbersome at all. Be honest with yourself about what you want (don’t want) and make that clear to the person you’re dealing with.

Has anyone out there had sex with someone before titles were established
Kym yep. I’m thinking most people probably have.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
11:18 am

@Blackfoote ~ funny you felt the need to clear up your name. I thought about it, but knew it wasn’t you!

@Kym ~ I think we all have had sex at some point in our lives before a title was established.

@kimmie ~ I was hoping you were listening (Q100). One of the more interesting questions asked of her rested on whether this man would pay child support if they should break up since he’s insisting on raising the child as their own. If they should break up, this child would be the only father he knows and given the age, the courts probably would lean in her favor.

DJ Sniper

January 26th, 2011
11:19 am

Kimmie, that’s a very interesting story. More power to him, but I can’t say I would have stuck around once I found out she was pregnant. It has nothing to do with judging her for being in that situation, but I can’t say I’d want a kid to be part of a relationship that just got started.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:19 am

Da Man – In a fair FWB sex can be removed from the relationship and without any neg fall-out. I don’t think holding sex hostage in a relationship will work out well.

Now this I can agree with and this it is the one component most can’t have. Going back to being friends void of sex and still really cool. No ill feelings or ill will.

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
11:19 am

Celisea: Show me one relationship between two humans that doesn’t involve using the other person? I’ll go back to my first post “The problem with FWB is women think they are the only ones that has benefits to offer.”

Kimmie: If they marry and the baby is born while they are and they break up, then courts will make him pay child support but he will not have any rights to see the child unless he adopts the child.

Bill Clinton

January 26th, 2011
11:22 am

Since I have no morals, I support this.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:22 am

For Real – Maybe we should define “using”. When I think in terms of using a person it’s where one benefits off the other with no return. When I think of benefits it’s more of an interaction where the outcome or fall out compliments and enhances both parties involved.

Wondering ?

January 26th, 2011
11:23 am

Is this blog still reserved for unemployed gay men that live in their parent’s basement?

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
11:23 am

“When I think of benefits it’s more of an interaction where the outcome or fall out compliments and enhances both parties involved.” – So what’s your problem with FWB again?

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
11:23 am

both cases it became clear later on that they agreed to be FWB hoping I’d come around and make it more serious, while I was happy to just enjoy the moment.
BLAT So, how were you using her if she agreed to do the FWB thing? She should have been honest about what she wanted. Now if you kept stringing her along after you knew she felt diffrently, then that’s a little bit different. I’d still say you weren’t using her though. A person can’t use you…you allow yourself to be used.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
11:24 am

Hello BLATino! Nice that you’re visiting again!

Mr Kinte

January 26th, 2011
11:25 am

Hey Everybody…

I think in all things, it really depends on the two people. I do believe one of the major issues with relationships between two people no matter what sex they are is really the social conception. People want to be married because it’s socially acceptable. Living together or FWB is not so they have issue with it. However, it all depends on what you believe in as well. Since FWB is not socially acceptable, like buying a home or acquiring a new electronic gadget such as a TV or computer, we know feel we have to keep everything a secret and make excuses for why we do one thing or not the other.

I say everybody should make the decision that’s best for them and stop lying to yourself that the first person you spend some significant amount of time is truly the one for you for life. The divorce rates would drop tremendously. Sometimes, people are good for you only for a season and some are lifelong friends.

Q: Even in marriage, isn’t the goal to be great friends first? And if that is true, aren’t even the married folks truly FWB…..some just have more benefits than others….

Kym

January 26th, 2011
11:25 am

I know I tend to share only but so much on here. But here goes.. A great deal of my aversion to commitment–has to do with trust issues. I simply can not go all in to trust like I did in my past. It doesn’t make me think like a man, or date like a man..or whateva other nonsense is floating out there. It flat out means that while I have the capacity to trust, I have yet to break thru the barrier that will allow me to trust. Now I could either sit around as Bitter Bernice or Looney Loni Or I could continue to live my life. I choose to live my life and act accordingly. It is why I could/can find comfort in being with someone who already knew me. Who in some ways gets me, and who is not asking or expecting more than what I have the capacity to give at this present time. Hence I can say a long-term relationship may work well for me as oppose to marriage.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:29 am

For Real – FWB ain’t exclusive that’s the problem. As mentioned today most that have done seemed satisfied with the interaction and intimacy but with FWB you can freely “compliment and enhance” many others…no strings attached. I could too but then we get into a woman getting stretched too thin and passed around much. You don’t see how that can be a problem for a woman…surely you do.

HotMess

January 26th, 2011
11:29 am

dating (getting to know someone)+ sex while dating/no execlusivity= fwb. it is what it be…carry on!

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
11:30 am

@Celisea … The only monkey-wrench in my theory is if the sex was shooting sparks out yo azz GREAT. Removing the sex from that FWB situation should be strongly re-considered.

Also, is it FWB if the sex is BLAAAAAAH???

i'm swiss™

January 26th, 2011
11:30 am

“Is this blog still reserved for unemployed gay men that live in their parent’s basement?”

Yes it is, Wondering. Come on in & make yourself at home, queen.

Blackfoote

January 26th, 2011
11:31 am

That’s great Celisea I see a lot of other ladies feel the same. Although it takes two for this type of relationship I’m prone to believe that the feamle is some way scorned, emotionless, or mentally battered and this is not to put any down but it seem that if she is receptive to this relationship she is without emotion at the least. The brother is just without scruples it’s all in the game for him.

Leggs:

You know I saw what dude was saying and I’m blowing steam out my ears and nose……had to rectify that…..LOL

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
11:31 am

Kimmie, I am wondering why she wouldn’t want the man to remain the father of the child. Heck he is stepping in taking on a responsibility that he doesn’t have to, why would she deny him and the child that relationship.

I doubt if she ever tells the child the real truth about how it came to be, so why not let the child have a dad if the man freely wants to be the dad.

That’s just crazy for folks to think like she is thinking. I don’t even see why she called in for advice on something like that. That guy is one in almost a million.

One of my friends and I were talking about Heidi Klum and Seal one day. We were saying we bet a bunch of women turned him down at some point, but look at that guy. He took on the responsibility of another man’s child and from what I have read her say he is a great dad and husband.

You aren’t going to find many men like that. So many are running away from and dodging the responsibility and care of their own blood babies, to have a guy willing to step in and be the dad is honorable.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
11:34 am

@Celisea..so your problem is the title. And I would say you are not alone. We have already had the blog discussion on titles..where we have established that some folks have to have a title to go along with their relationship..they can’t just say we have a friendly relationship..or lawd forbid a sexual relationship. How about we take sex out of the convo for a second and look at the other benefits. Like kimmie mention she had a friend they went to parties together, some go for happy hour, work functions, movies..etc. No sex just entertainment. Benefit is is the companionship without the pressure.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
11:34 am

Dreams – I agree with you, too many are not up front with what they want. A lot are afraid they will scare the person off, when really they don’t “have” them to begin with. Why not just state up front what you are looking for & then let the chips fall where they may.

Sniper – I thought about that as I was listening – you are starting out a relationship with a baby and an unborn one at that. A lot to take in all at once.

Leggs/others – The whole child support thing was the first thing to hit my mind as she was talking about it. But the main thing was – WHY ARE YOU HAVING UNPROTECTED SEX WITH A ONE NIGHT STAND????

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:34 am

Blackfoote – I agree with your 11:31

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
11:35 am

KIMMIE…that trick is stupid. If you wanna do the Skanky Panky…make him wrap up his wanky! Nio kids should have to suffer because it’s parents were being children while doing and adult activity! Beisdes…with all these diseases out there I am scared to kiss a dude…so how the hell can you raw dog someone these days? Snoop put it best…”ain’t no lovin’ good enough to get burned while I’m up in it”!

“Dating isn’t cumbersome at all. Be honest with yourself about what you want (don’t want) and make that clear to the person you’re dealing with.”

DREAMS..of course that would spare a lot of drama. But dudes don;t want be upfront because they are afraid she won’t give up a$$! Stopp being a puddy while trying get the puddy. As ABC said…there are plenty of women who are down for FWB. Don’t go playing witht ht hearts of those that aren’t because you wanna nut! Not only are you messing her up for future men by making her bitter and giving her trust issues. But if she snaps and breaks your car windows and put sugar in your gas tank…you have no one to blame but yourself for putting the ball in motion! For example: A Thin Line Between Love and Hate. Martin got what deserved. Although she took it bit too far when she messed with others. But it stemmed from his lack of honesty!

Uh oh….TROLL ALERT! :lol:

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
11:38 am

@Raqi V ~ I don’t know why she called in for advice either.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
11:38 am

Like Mr. Kinte(welcome..pick up a blog vest on your way pass the sign in table..you gonna need it) said it is about what is socially acceptable.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
11:38 am

Leggs, I was listening to a radio talk show on 640 one morning on the way to work a few years back where a man called in that was not the biological father of a child but he was fighting in the courts for visitation rights to the child. He raised it from like 1 month old being married to the mother. He agreed to pay child support because as far as he was concerned that is his child.

If I remember correctly some strife built up between he and the mother after the divorce so she tried to use the child not being his by blood as a reason to keep him from seeing it. I think at the time his case had not been settled but people were calling in support of him. Those type of men are commendable.

kimmie

January 26th, 2011
11:39 am

Raqi – I agree, he is exceptional. I was watching something on tv once, about how a lot of men find pregnant women very attractive and will get with her even though she’s carrying another man’s child.

I actually thought about the Seal situation too – they are very happy.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:39 am

Kym – 11:34…I’d say some but not all because I believe dudes will go in all “exclusive” if that what it takes…if he’s that kind of dude. But yeah, I want to be “in” something and know and understand that we’re on the same page. Too, because usually I go in deep and hard and frankly not cut from the cloth of getting together when it’s convenient or when a dude is wanting to cut. I mean in an established relationship I’m good and encourage us being apart as much as together as I think it’s healthy but under commitment, I’m expecting trust. I good from day one (of exclusitivity) in throwing all caution to the wind and letting that thing take us where ever. I’m good in pleasing and satisfying but I cannot do it (knowingly) alongside other woment or the (knowingly) the possibility of various others.

BLATino (the rumors of my demise have been GREATLY exagerrated)

January 26th, 2011
11:40 am

**LEGGS! It’s good to be back roaming the halls.** The names have changed but the theme stays the same.

@Dreams – That was my feeling, but as you can see the females’ point of view can often differ from my own.

Raqi V

January 26th, 2011
11:41 am

I think in the case I heard on the radio the child was around 10 at the time. How do you take a child from a parent after 10 years?

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:42 am

Kym – Oh, and taking sex out of the equation, I can do that all day long…I have a couple of friends that serve in that capacity. Kick it, hang out do things…nothing more or less.

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
11:43 am

But dudes don;t want be upfront because they are afraid she won’t give up a$$!
BMW These dudes are cowards at best. The only way they can get puddy is to lie their way into the draws. They have self-esteem issues and should be avoided at all costs. lol

Snoop put it best…”ain’t no lovin’ good enough to get burned while I’m up in it”!
BMW This reminds me of something that happened this morning. So, I’m walking down the street and I hear this cat singing. I’m still kinda far away, so I can’t make out the words but I can tell dude has a nice voice. He’s singing real passionately, sounds like a ballad. As a get closer and can make out the words I hear:

“cuz IIIIIII have never met a girlllllllll, tha-attttt I love in the whole wide worlddddddd…”

Dude had turned some ol skool snoop into a Donnie Hathaway ballad. LOL

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:43 am

BMW – Love your 11:35….lol

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
11:47 am

That was my feeling, but as you can see the females’ point of view can often differ from my own.
BLAT man it wouldn’t be the blog if that wasn’t the case. lol

Robert

January 26th, 2011
11:47 am

My Weekend Plans – Today is Wednesday the start of my weekend and I usually have lunch with a good female married friend. We will stop at a restaurant of her choice and order the food for carryout and return to my Buckhead Condo. We both work late often, which is her excuse to her husband. We will talk about her life while eating. Hopefully ,she is feeling comfortable and is ready for lustful sex which she is not getting at home and I am more than happy to satisfy her sexual needs. We enjoy each others company and return to work around 4:00pm.

Thursday – Ladies Night, I will invite another married female friend out for happy hour drinks & food. We are from the same hometown (DC) and we both love to hand dance/step at the oldies but goodies night spots. We will dance the night away and return to my Buckhead Condo for a nightcap (wine/sex).

Friday – Boys Night Out, My brother is flying in from DC and we will have dinner and find the best clubs. My brother has several female friends in ATL and they will come and pick him up.

Saturday – Back to “Friends with Benefits”

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
11:47 am

“I could too but then we get into a woman getting stretched too thin and passed around much. You don’t see how that can be a problem for a woman…surely you do.” – It only becomes a problem when the man you want to be in a exclusive relationship has a problem with your number.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 26th, 2011
11:48 am

My peace -

I state my intentions (when known) and allow her to make her an informed decision.

If she’s with it, cool; if not, cool too.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:50 am

For Real – It only becomes a problem when the man you want to be in a exclusive relationship has a problem with your number.

Agreed and in most cases. So since I ain’t into raising the count what, should I be happy with my one and only FWB while his numbers are off the chart? See, just not a good thing/fit for a woman unless under certain circumstances as mentioned by Blackfoote.

DreamsMaterialize

January 26th, 2011
11:50 am

I state my intentions (when known) and allow her to make her an informed decision.
Dan Agreed. Honesty up front and accountability on the back end…for both parties.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
11:51 am

But Celisea..I did say some. Because what works for one will not work for all.

@Blackfoote since you are apparently going to hold down the “deacon” postion today..yeah dude I am calling you out. I have yet to find one woman who has commented on this title say that they felt used or passed around. Because again when consenting adults(keyword adults) seem to have a set idea of this type of relationship works for them then the only folks who have problem seem to be those who can’t seem to get pass the sex aspect of the relationship..makes me wonder who really has the dirty mind.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
11:53 am

Kym – Agreed

BlackMagicWoman

January 26th, 2011
11:58 am

DREAMS…yes these dudes should be avaoided. Thing is… alot of them have had so much practice with Project Puddy Deception…that they can fool even the smartest women.

I am cracking up at the man singing. That is like turning Luke into Frank Sinatra! :lol:
“Pop that c00chie…pop pop… that c00chie! :lol:

ROBERT…I curse you. May it burn when you pee, and may every erection flee. :lol:

FOR REAL….”It only becomes a problem when the man you want to be in a exclusive relationship has a problem with your number” My number is none of his business….only my STD Negative Status is. I don’t want to know how many women a mna has been with. That is childish. We are both addults with pasts/ The only reason that shoudl be a problem is if one of the numbers gave him a gift that keeps on giving. In that case….that is some loving he can keep, whether it’s 1 woman or 100 women!