Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?
I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?
I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?
Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?
Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?
I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?
By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog
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421 comments Add your comment
Kym
January 26th, 2011
10:36 am
For Real!!! Where have you been joker???
Da_Man!
January 26th, 2011
10:38 am
In my opinion, Jump-offs are no-drama hook-ups that would not include anything extra/special pre or post encounter.
- Don’t expect me to buy out the bar just to get it poppin’
- Don’t expect me to mind my language … anything goes!
- Don’t expect a warm rag, spooning in bed or some Waffle House afterwards.
- Don’t expect me to contact you 2 days later for idle chit-chat, If I call it’s to get it poppin all over again!
- Don’t share details with your Girlfriends b/c they are going to call you a Jump-off and it sounds a lil Ho-ish when it comes from someone who did’nt get any recently.
- Don’t think, Just run with it!
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:39 am
Okay…Da Man…so FWB have/share in what (aside from sex)?
Bill Clinton
January 26th, 2011
10:41 am
I done this many, many times.
It only works if everyone agrees to keep it secret and away from the media.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:41 am
….and if FWB is getting all of the above then ya’ll dating…right?
Kym
January 26th, 2011
10:42 am
Celisea..most of the time in the FWB arrangements I personally know of…there are chats, going out, visits that didn’t involve sex..there was just no formal..this is my man, boo, boyfriend..etc. It was just two consenting adults who on occassion enjoy each other company both in and out of the bedroom.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
10:43 am
FWB is degrading no matter how you look at it. Just look at da Man’s comments! I would bet this is the mindset of many!
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:43 am
Kym: Wurking hard…. You holding the blog down until I can free up some time?
Celisea: I know you asked DaMan but with me FWB share some things in their lives with each other.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:45 am
Leggs: He said Jumpoff not FWB
Da_Man!
January 26th, 2011
10:46 am
@Celisea … FWB share/have a friendship. I believe we have certain obligations as a friend/FWB that don’t exist with a Jump-off.
Kym
January 26th, 2011
10:46 am
@For Real..I am only able to pop in from time to time..depending on how the work flows.
@Leggs..I would have to say Da Man is describing a jump off. FWB do actually share something in common. Like For Real said you do share some parts of your life with the other person.
Jessie Jackson
January 26th, 2011
10:46 am
Works for me…
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:46 am
“most of the time in the FWB arrangements I personally know of…there are chats, going out, visits that didn’t involve sex..there was just no formal..this is my man, boo, boyfriend..etc. It was just two consenting adults who on occassion enjoy each other company both in and out of the bedroom.” – Zippppppppp…. For Real now reaching inside for Kym’s prize. I know it’s in here somewhere.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
10:47 am
Emotions are the unknown variable in FWB arrangements.
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
10:47 am
Oh, thanks ForReal. Didn’t even see the word!
Da_Man!
January 26th, 2011
10:47 am
@Celisea … but it’s not to judge Good or Bad in either situation. Just pointing out the differences … In my opinion.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:49 am
Celisea..most of the time in the FWB arrangements I personally know of…there are chats, going out, visits that didn’t involve sex..there was just no formal..this is my man, boo, boyfriend..etc. It was just two consenting adults who on occassion enjoy each other company both in and out of the bedroom.
Kym – Gotcha….all the benefits with no expectations or defining. Don’t think I could do it though. I guess a jumpoff’s life gotta be dreb, no talking, dranking, spoonging, nothing…in and out straight to it. Whew
Bill Clinton
January 26th, 2011
10:49 am
I did not have sex with that woman.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:50 am
“Emotions are the unknown variable in everything” – What up Scool!
TenderRoni
January 26th, 2011
10:50 am
the fwb is why dating has becoming so cumbersome…you think you are dating someone to get to know them well enough to be in a relationship, while the man is in fwb relationship with you.
KCR
January 26th, 2011
10:51 am
There is no such thing as “no strings attached” sex. For FWB to work with me, the friendship needs to not only be there but also must take priority over the benefits. That might mean beating down that caveman at the back of my mind yelling “mine” once that friend has found something more substantial, but even then the friendship must be considered valuable and valued. I do not regret the FWBs that I’ve had.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:52 am
Gotcha…Da Man
For Real, you might not want to admit it but you’re dating
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:53 am
“all the benefits with no expectations or defining.” – There are expectations involved anytime you deal with another person so there expectations with FWB. FWB defines the relationship.
BLATino (the rumors of my demise have been GREATLY exagerrated)
January 26th, 2011
10:53 am
WD i’m lovin this topic!!!
IMHO, I think we seem to be talking about two different entities here from the men’s perspective, Jump-Offs and FWB. In my time out in the game, I only had two confirmed friends with benefits where we spent any time together outside the bedroom, but for the most part, everything else is a jump-off.
I think the difficulty with a FWB, particularly from the woman’s side is, if I’m good enough to get nasty with and spend time with outside of that, then why aren’t i good enough to be your girlfriend, or at least discuss it??? Then it becomes decision time for the guy. (…and yes, I know it can be the other way around too)
Leggs
January 26th, 2011
10:54 am
Perhaps not “that woman” but you did with Monica Lewinsky!
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:54 am
Celisea: I know I’m dating but if you are going to date me it involves having sex too.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
10:54 am
I agree that the “no strings attached” title is quite the misnomer.
I am attached to my va-jay-jay…and would very much hope that you are attached to your DickJohnson. Although I do understand that there are *stand alone* models available. I crack me up!
‘Sup, F-Real…
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:55 am
TenderRoni – I agree, after spending time and being physical, I’m getting attached.
Have anybody ever started as FWB and ended up being in an established relationship?
BlackMagicWoman
January 26th, 2011
10:56 am
Greetings from snowy a$$ NYC!
TWEETY…girl NO! Stop! Do not pass go! Do not collect $220. Do not get invloved in anyone that works with you in any way. Hell I have a strict 5 miles policy. You can not work or live within 10 miles of where I live. That is too close for comfort when things go wrong.
As far as FWB… I was fine with this arrangment until maybe the past few years. I guess a house finally fell on me. It’s no fun if I can’t really feel something for the guy other than lust! Sure it’s a great accelerant! but not enough to keep the fire going but for so long. When I am into somebody, I care more for their pleaseure. I am romantic by nature if I am with someone. It’s kind of hard not want to do the fun things for them that I like!
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
10:57 am
ForReal – Celisea: I know I’m dating but if you are going to date me it involves having sex too.
Yeah….I get that
i'm swiss™
January 26th, 2011
10:57 am
“I have to wonder how Wilt found the time.”
I hear Wilt was quick to the hole, if you know what I mean…
Fion
January 26th, 2011
10:57 am
@ TenderRoni “the fwb is why dating has becoming so cumbersome”
Hey,dating and being young and single is great. Don’t over think it.
Dating is a like counting Nuclear Weapons. Check, but verify.
Be safe out there and have Fun. Go get’em Tiger!
DreamsMaterialize
January 26th, 2011
10:58 am
Morning
Friends with benefits works for people who want that. The problem is usually that people aren’t honest with themselves or the other person up front.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
10:59 am
Good morning gang!
4Real – Long time, no hear from, good to read ya!
Princess – Thanks, I am going to check that out!
On topic – I did an FWB thing years ago, a few years out of college. The FWB term was not used then but thinking back, that’s pretty much what it was. We started out dating a little, but he was too big of a player. So I stopped looking at him as boyfriend material, but we had a lot in common and actually liked each other as friends. Occasionally we would hang out, if one needed a date for a party or work event, we could call each other. Every now & then intimacy would take place. It eventually fizzled because I did find myself catching feelings. Then another lady he was seeing got preggers and he married her.
Never did it again though. The way it is being described here it does seem rather cold though.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
10:59 am
“I think the difficulty with a FWB, particularly from the woman’s side is, if I’m good enough to get nasty with and spend time with outside of that, then why aren’t i good enough to be your girlfriend, or at least discuss it???” – The decision to have a girlfriend has nothing do with whether or not the chick is “good enough”. The decision to have a girlfriend is all about if the dude wants to be tied down.
DJ Sniper
January 26th, 2011
10:59 am
I’ve done the FWB thing before with no drama at all. One such situation happened when I first moved here. I met her at a party and found out she was going through a divorce, so she wasn’t looking for any permanent attachment. Sex was definitely on the agenda, but we developed a friendship beyond that. I used to do laundry at her place (my apartment at the time didn’t have W/D connections), and I got pretty cool with both of her kids. We ended the arrangement when she got back with one of her boyfriends, but we’re still friends to this day.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
11:00 am
For Real – “all the benefits with no expectations or defining.” – There are expectations involved anytime you deal with another person so there expectations with FWB. FWB defines the relationship.
Okay okay I got it….that (FWB) IS the relationship.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
11:01 am
Although I do understand that there are *stand alone* models available.
SCool – Yes, you crack me up too!!LOL!!
Blackfoote
January 26th, 2011
11:02 am
Good Morning:
This is a no brainer it may work out for some but for the majority it’s viewed as distasteful never tried it but there are sharks circuling in the water…………….No I’m not that on guy the first page thank goodness.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
11:02 am
I’ve done the friendship turned relationship…sex after exclusitivity but not the sex while friends….nothing more or less
BLATino (the rumors of my demise have been GREATLY exagerrated)
January 26th, 2011
11:04 am
@ForReal…. a BIG reason for not wanting to be tied down is that you know instantly that the girl isn’t “the one”, but she’ll do for now….
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
11:04 am
Blackfoote – but for the majority it’s viewed as distasteful never tried it
You’re right…I’ve always “downed” it even though I’ve never tried it but that’s because I feel like it’s the woman that’s going to end up with the short end of the stick. Sort of like going all in and then asking or wondering what or if indeed something more will ever be.
TenderRoni
January 26th, 2011
11:05 am
I think fwb is just a nice way to say we $ucking…because it has the word friend in it. No one wants to hear Oh, lets just $uck!. Its a sugar-coated farce of a relationship.
Celisea
January 26th, 2011
11:06 am
Blantino – BIG reason for not wanting to be tied down is that you know instantly that the girl isn’t “the one”, but she’ll do for now….
So we go back….is that not “using” a person. Just because she spent a few hours or activity outside the bedroom and aside from sex, you still saw her pretty much for what you could get and knew you’d move on eventually. I’m sure the woman is not thinking along these lines.
SexyCool
January 26th, 2011
11:06 am
I admit to entering into this type of relationship. I just don’t think the “no strings” of it all typifies this sort of arrangement.
As is proven by several posts that allude to successful FWB arrangements, it is stated that “we are still cool” or various words to that effect.
Sounds like a string to me.
Kym
January 26th, 2011
11:06 am
Okay can I ask a question of the peanut gallery? Has anyone out there had sex with someone before titles were established..in other words after whatever formal period of time you have preset before getting busy with a dude or dudette..did the two of you formal sit down and say..I take you to be my boyfriend/girlfriend or something? or was the relationship established first.
For Real (Step Into My World)
January 26th, 2011
11:06 am
Kimmie: I’m coming to wedding I’m going to be your drunk cuzzo that barrows money and likka from yall.
“the fwb is why dating has becoming so cumbersome…you think you are dating someone to get to know them well enough to be in a relationship, while the man is in fwb relationship with you.” – 1st FWB is a relationship. 2nd Not sure how FWB interferes with getting to know someone 3rd If the “relationship” you want is marriage you should state that in the beginning and that will cut down on your confusion.
abc
January 26th, 2011
11:09 am
There are plenty of chicks that take something of a man’s approach to it. Now, they may wind up being 40-50 and single, with way over 100 men they’ve been with, and in that regard less desirable to a man than ever for any purposes other than benefits… but that’s a lifestyle choice that many women make. I know some. It’s kind of sad for them, especially now that they’re thinking that they’ve missed the boat.
kimmie
January 26th, 2011
11:10 am
Did any of you catch this story on Q100 this morning?:
A lady called in that is about 7 months pregnant from a one night stand. She started dating her now boyfriend when she was about 6 weeks pregnant. She told him after a few dates that she was pregnant by the 1 night stand and she understood if he didn’t want to see her again. He not only wanted to continue to see her, he said he wants to help her raise the child as his own and has told his parents and everyone he is the daddy. She said she’s cool with that and has not even told her own parents that he’s not the bio dad. She called in to ask for advice. She said she could definitely see herself married to this guy but suppose they break up? Does she still have to let him be a part of the baby’s life? Oh and she has not told the bio dad. She said it was truly a 1 night stand and she has not heard from him since and doesn’t think he will care if she’s pregnant or not.
BLATino (the rumors of my demise have been GREATLY exagerrated)
January 26th, 2011
11:11 am
@Celisea – of course it is. That’s what I was alluding to in my first post. Although I’m still cool with both of my FWB’s, in both cases it became clear later on that they agreed to be FWB hoping I’d come around and make it more serious, while I was happy to just enjoy the moment. Sometimes it’s better to just have jump-offs and be done with it.