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Take benefits out of ‘Friends with benefits’?

I was sick all weekend so I didn’t venture out to see the latest romantic comedy, No Strings Attached. I was looking forward to seeing Hollywood’s latest take on: boy meets girl/two people pretending that casual sex is totally fun. I figured it could be highly entertaining, even if just for the hottie quotient with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman.

I think one of the biggest misconceptions about casual hook-ups and no strings attached relationships is that this kind of thing is easy to set up. I don’t think it is. I am not sure it should be, though. Sidebar: Do married people ever assume that you have some outrageous sex life because you are free to hit the singles buffet?

I won’t argue for or against FWB arrangements but I am curious about the so called benefits of them. When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

Perhaps I am over thinking here, but when there is no emotional connection (supposedly?), do you bother with the “friendly” part of friends with benefits? Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?

Have you ever tried friends with benefits? Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom? Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB! What do you think? How many benefits are you entitled to?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

421 comments Add your comment

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Kym

January 26th, 2011
7:35 am

Good Morning All,

Seriously I am digging this early morning blog opening. I can get my comments in while my mind is still slightly fresh.

Okay to answer your questions..

Q: When you don’t have a desire to be in a relationship but you want physical needs met, how much work/effort do you put into making it work for you?

A: I wasn’t quite sure what the “it” is you are refering to here..are saying it as in relationship..or it as in sex? I am going to wait for clarification before answering this one.

Q: Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations?

A: I think for the two people involved if they are working adults then everything is kind of on a time and location schedule. So my answer is yes.

Q: Have you ever tried friends with benefits?

A: Yes, and to answer the last half I have had experience with both the long term friend hookup and the short term bump and grind.

PrincessNik

January 26th, 2011
7:58 am

Have you ever tried friends with benefits?

yes

Did you have small-talk and do fun things outside the bedroom?

yes

Was it a friend of yours that became a FWB or did you meet someone and hook up then decided to keep it going?

I’ve experienced both situations.

Kimmie: Stratosphere Wedding Chapel

Tweety

January 26th, 2011
8:07 am

Hey, Sorry this is off topic. I know its not a good idea to get involved with people u work with but what do u think about a guy that deliveries to your job on a daily basis…like fedex. Is this still too close to work?

czBrat

January 26th, 2011
8:14 am

HiYas!

fwb was a perfect arrangement (for me) at the time. we were friends first and have remained friends since. i must admit though, now that i’m involved in a deeply committed relationship there are times i really miss the lack of accountability of an fwb thang, but whatcha gonna do???

mornin’ ladies!

■²

January 26th, 2011
8:15 am

If the guy is making deliveries, he works for an outside company.

No problem there. Go for it! :P

■²

January 26th, 2011
8:17 am

I believe 90% of women cannot actually handle a “friends with benefits” situation.

I could be wrong, but looking back it seems to have been the case several times.

Maybe it depends on the area, I don’t know.

PrincessNik

January 26th, 2011
8:22 am

@ ■² I believe 90% of women cannot actually handle a “friends with benefits” situation

I don’t know about the percentage, but IMO typically the longer a FWB situation goes on its hard to not develop feelings (i argue, male and female) especially if there is time being spent outside the bedroom. While it may not be love, could be strong like, or a “comfort” that develops.

Kym

January 26th, 2011
8:29 am

Hi czBrat! Hi Princess!

PrincessNik

January 26th, 2011
8:31 am

czBrat

January 26th, 2011
8:31 am

hola mama! i’m off to play in traffic.
catch up with ya later.

Varinia

January 26th, 2011
9:02 am

Have done it, but realized that it just isn’t right for me. I’m kind of ‘all or nothing’. With that I mean, when I’m involved with someone I’m completely open – no games, no holding back. And to me that’s when sex is greatest, because there’s a trust developed.

Just having sex, without that intimate trust, is just not as good for me. It’s harder for me to get out of my head and into just being in the moment and enjoying, without thinking.

And I also find it difficult to keep the detachment, if I’m physical with someone. And emotions just create chaos in those situations.

ozz

January 26th, 2011
9:03 am

Come on ladies! Don’t you have any respect for yourselves? Show some self-control. WAIT until you have found the person you want to invest all of your love, emotion, friendship and body! Let me tell you…the sex is awesome with the one you love.
Signed…old fashioned (not old) and lovin’ it.

TenderRoni

January 26th, 2011
9:20 am

There is something just so not genuine about friends with benefits, but that’s what a lot of men prefer or is used to now, because after having fwb why would they want to make a commitment. FWB is selfish transactions between two people.
It could just be where you are in life, cuz when I was younger I didn’t mind. But when a man talks about or I see that’s what we are doing, I just walk away now.

Rell - Limited Edition

January 26th, 2011
9:25 am

Yeah FWB is cool if there is alot of communication and guidelines…but like someone mention over time someone will develop feelings…FWB is actually emotional choice made during intense highs or very low times in someone life….men give love to get sex, women give sex to get love….I have experienced from the mundane here an there hit…to the weekly sex sessions….its all emotions..just like everything else…FWB nevers ends good…the facade may seem like you two are all good..but inside someone is even more messed up then when they first started

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
9:30 am

“Friends with benefits” is just the latest catch phrase for women in the last decade but men have been doing this since there’s been a man…they just never revealed that’s that what it was.

Me? FWB? Never did it and if I haven’t then more than likely I won’t….I know, I’m a schmuck. A happy one tho :)

Y'all Are Kids

January 26th, 2011
9:31 am

FWB relationships have killed more than one real friendship for me. It’s a lot easier to become friends with your Miss Right Now than to turn to a friend for sex. But experience has shown that even a true FWB wants it to become something more and that ends up screwing up a good thing. So no. It’s never worked out for me.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
9:35 am

even a true FWB wants it to become something more and that ends up screwing up a good thing.

Yeah, I ain’t armoured this way so I never took the chance. Too, I’ve had droughts and a hankering like something awful but I’ve never had the appetite to do it just because I needed to release.

abc

January 26th, 2011
9:43 am

There are rarely cases of ‘Friends with Benefits’. Benefits, sure. Friends, not so much. It gets hit a few times and then move on. That is single life for a grown man. Once a man decides to settle down, the benefits are much less important — important still, to be sure, but not primary.

AmazonRed™

January 26th, 2011
9:50 am

FWB…can’t do it. Doesn’t work for me. I get emotionally attached and think you SHOULD when you’re intimate with someone. Besides, I don’t think I ever have not desired a relationship and just needed my “needs” met…that sounds so primitive. :lol:

In any case, too much risk in these types of scenerios…so I’m good.

AmazonRed™

January 26th, 2011
9:53 am

I believe 90% of women cannot actually handle a “friends with benefits” situation.

I agree…though as the years go by, seems like people become more and more emotional detached to life and things in it. I’ve heard a lot of younger girls state that kissing is more intimate than sex…. so that number is clearly trending downward.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
9:54 am

Good morning.

I don’t do “FWB’s (I know none of you are surprised). I see two positives to the word “benefit.” The benefit of no strings sex and the benefit of not being accountable to another. I know many can sex just to fulfill that primal urge, but sharing yourself with another should encompass more than reaching that O. And, if that’s the only way you can feel loved or connected with another being, than you’re fooling yourself because you aren’t connected to anything but lust!

Fion

January 26th, 2011
9:57 am

“Do you think it works better when you just arrange time and locations as if you were negotiating a timeshare or something?”

Where else can person expect to , wear a Cowboy hat, Spurs, be Tied Up, Get Spanked and see Beadroom Pole Dancing.
Yeah, I said it. If you gone HOOK IT UP! “HOOK IT UP.” :)

New in Atlanta

January 26th, 2011
10:02 am

I’m in my mid-30s, female, and happily married for many years but wanted to comment.

In my early 20s, I had a long-term relationship that went sour. And a male friend of mine was kind of going through the same thing. We decided to be FWB for awhile. It really helped my confidence to be blunt, and we’re still friends today. There wasn’t any weird awkward negative feelings, we weren’t ever disrespectful to each other, and we didn’t expect anything from each other. Don’t really expect a lot of people to agree with our arrangement, but it worked for us.

Robert

January 26th, 2011
10:03 am

In hard times the “rich get richer” and “friends with benefits” are in demand. Over the past few years most of my married female friends with husbands have fallen on hard times (loss of jobs, two incomes, houses, cars, etc.) which has created a wonderful opportunity for me. For example, I am a single straight man, with my own home and good job who can help a friend out of a financial jam. “A Friend in Need is A Friend Indeed” and this arrangement works well for women who want to keep their homes and continue their lifestyles inspite of the hard times the family is facing. Women “By Any Means Neccessary” are survivors.

AmazonRed™

January 26th, 2011
10:06 am

*blank stare*

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:07 am

@Robert ~ Are you saying you don’t mind helping your “friends” out of some of their financial binds, or are you saying because they’re having financial trouble thereby creating stress in their marriages you turn into Captain Save-A-Ho?

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:08 am

@ARed ~ that’s what I should have typed *blank stare* Goodness gracious!

Kym

January 26th, 2011
10:09 am

Sounds like Robert is running a housewives..escort agency.

Just Sayin'

January 26th, 2011
10:10 am

I personally don’t think FWB would work. For most of us women, our private parts are connect to our hearts and for most of us, you don’t involve your private parts without the heart getting involved.

For men, their private parts may or may not be connected with their hearts. As long as they are allowed to satisfy urges without falling in love with the girl, then there is hurt potential for the girl unless she is totally devoid of feeling as well. If the two people don’t have feelings for one another, then think about it, how much does this separate us from animals in heat?

Secondly, the older and wiser part of me realizes that this free-wheeling behavior undermines the institution of what marriage is supposed to be. This is from a scriptural stand point, so I understand that this concept may be foreign or seem antiquated to those who do not believe spiritual principles. I’ve just been around long enough to see that it doesn’t work. Unfortunately, I’ve been there done that, and realize that it’s merely asking for trouble, even if your fling-man is a cutie like Ashton Kutcher.

Varinia

January 26th, 2011
10:11 am

It looks to me as if Robert is saying that he’s paying his friends to have sex with him, so that they get out of their financial hole and he gets sex.

I grew up in Europe, so I have no problem with prostitution, if 2 people want to make that arrangemetn – but let’s call it what it is.

abc

January 26th, 2011
10:11 am

Robert’s an example of what I’m talking about. Benefits, sure; friends, not really. Else, would he be doing something so destructive of his so-called friends?

Yall chicks are best off avoiding FWB. Unless you’re into hit it and quit it yourselves, as are lots of women, of course.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
10:13 am

Robert is a broke joe looking for an opportunity. Your comeuppance is the low of others…SMH…just sad

AmazonRed™

January 26th, 2011
10:13 am

Well said, Just Sayin’

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:15 am

“…as are lots of women, of course.”

You are so wrong!

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
10:15 am

I’d have to wonder too about the term jumpoff…is that the backside of FWB…to some men? Think about WD’s friend getting stuck woth ole girl. If my recollection is on point he said he invited a jumpoff over…that got stranded way too long. Does she know she’s a jumpoff or does she consider it an arrangement of FWB…hmmmm

Da_Man!

January 26th, 2011
10:20 am

@Robert … I thinking you meant to post your comments on the “Homewrecker” blog ?!?!?

Thanks for re-assuring us that we must keep our Ladies away from the prowling “Good Friend”.

abc

January 26th, 2011
10:20 am

Having been a single adult male, Leggs, I must disagree; like-minded women are common. No pun intended.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:20 am

@Celisea ~ she was probably thinking this may lead to a long-term relationship. She probably didn’t go in fully thinking she was a jumpoff or a one-night stand. She probably knew by day 3 (he probably was still civil, but you can’t mistake undertones if you’re paying attention).

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
10:24 am

Leggs – Yeah, sort of along the lines of what I’m thinking. Got to be careful in those situations unless (like ABC said) you go in knowing truly what it is. I don’t think she was thinking “jumpoff” either but he was and is probably none the wiser because I’m sure he was polite and obliged. Thing is, no dude is going to reveal just how low they think of you but will willingly part-take knowing it ain’t moving one notch beyond sex.

Celisea

January 26th, 2011
10:25 am

“she” is probably none the wiser…not “he……..”

q1

January 26th, 2011
10:25 am

You have presented a rather intriguing question, casual sex without all the extras like romance, candlelight, lingerie and so on. I will pose the question to my personal trainer, she will be here shortly for my foot massage. I am getting rather excited thinking about it, hopefully there will be no emotional attachment. Today, i am going to have her play this litlle piggy went to market, my momma used to play it with my toootsies and now it is just like going back to childhood. My personal trainer, as all my followers know, keeps my muscles limber and flexible. Am I off the track,with a little foot foreplay? That is all for now, i have to cleanse my mind so my trainer will have a tabula rosa to work with

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:26 am

@abc ~ even with you being a single adult male, pretty sure you weren’t scoring like Wilt Chamberlin!

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:27 am

Ok, just underminded my own argument. :lol:

Love it!!!

January 26th, 2011
10:31 am

I am a female and love the FWB. Sometimes the only problem is when you can’t get him when you want him. The timing is a bit off. Other than that, it’s fun and love.

Robert

January 26th, 2011
10:32 am

Ladies, I apologize if my comments were disrespectful. I was only talking about my experiences and I hope my comments may help somebody on this subject matter. I am a “Predator” always looking for “Prey” and there are no victims when “friends with benefits” are on the love, lust and sex battlefield.

abc

January 26th, 2011
10:33 am

I have to wonder how Wilt found the time.

Leggs

January 26th, 2011
10:34 am

:lol: @ abc. I concur!

@Robert ~ you don’t fit on this blog, but I’m going to throw you a temporary blog vest. Wear it carefully, it’s made out of crepe paper!

For Real (Step Into My World)

January 26th, 2011
10:35 am

What up Blog Fam!!

The whole problem with FWB is that women believe they are the only ones with benefits to give. Which is why Wise said “I used to tease my guy friends that they had no right to look for all the ‘extras’ from hook-ups. Lingerie, candles, shaved legs (kidding…sort of.) and all those “beneficial” things should not be wasted on a FWB!”

Lets look at the term FWB

Friends: You like, enjoy and trust that person

Benefits: Receiving emotional and physical attributes from the other person

Fion

January 26th, 2011
10:36 am

Hey, it is what it is. If you Grown and know what you are doing, operative word being “Grown”
go for it if it works for you.
Just sayin, personally speaking there is NO shortage in the ATL for this arrangement if you want it.
Not taliking ’bout the Robert thang, that’s a whole nother show.
There are many women in ATL that have it all, except a great SEX Life and they want that too.
If a FWB relationship fits their life style they embrace it. Nothing wron with that.
Just looking at the #’s alone, there’s got to be to at least 1, 3 or 12 here on this blog. :)