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Break-up or get married?

I remember back in high school when I was dating my first love senior year. Everyone would say that we were either going to break up or get married. I remember it so vividly because it became a serious source of anxiety for me. After graduation, we didn’t break up or get married. We kept dating. Yes, that’s right. Door number 3 ..that nobody bothered to mention. I don’t know how I let people work me into a frenzy about stuff that was going to happen in the future!

I can see that little has changed though. I have noticed a couple of friends who have been dating a little over two years and already the chatter circling around dropping the “break up or get married” hints. I don’t think things are that simple. Maybe I’m being naive. We talked long-term potential yesterday, but should you know by the second year of dating if the person is right for you?

Does it always come down to breaking up or getting married? What’s behind door number 3?

What do you think is a realistic and reasonable time frame to determine if there is a future?

Do you think it’s a bad sign if there is no “future” talk in a relationship after you have been exclusively dating?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Dating Blog

263 comments Add your comment

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Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
7:52 am

Good Morning All,

Thanks for opening the blog early for us early risers. I don’t remember hearing this type of talk in highschool at all. I stated before on the blog there are plenty of couples who have successful relationships without getting married at all and the trend lately has been leaning more toward long term relationships rather than getting married. So why is there a time frame at all? No, I don’t think the idea of a long term relationship is some kind of death nail. To quote my cousin regarding her situation.”If it ain’t broke, why fix it?”

While I am not leading toward a battle of the married vs the long term committed folks on the blog. I guess I will throw out the first arrow and ask..so tell me again what makes marriage so great?

SlimNumeroUno

January 25th, 2011
8:12 am

Good morning,

Is it just me or did we have a decorating fairy come in and revamp the place overnight?

SlimNumeroUno

January 25th, 2011
8:15 am

Nevermind, I must’ve had crutt still in my eyes…it was just a fluke…

Y'all Are Kids

January 25th, 2011
8:48 am

I’m with Kym. Not on the Steelers part, the other. If it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I’ve been in a serious committed relationship for 6 years. We live together and get along awesome. We are thinking of getting married, but can’t come up with a good reason why. Maybe it’s because we don’t care what other people think? I say if you’re happy, don’t mess with it. If you’re not, certainly don’t get married!

PrincessNik

January 25th, 2011
8:51 am

Good Morning

What do you think is a realistic and reasonable time frame to determine if there is a future?

I think that each individual person will have a different answer for this question. Only YOU know how long you are willing to “hang in there”.

Do you think it’s a bad sign if there is no “future” talk in a relationship after you have been exclusively dating?

Again I think this is going to be different for each individual. For me I think that if you desire a “solid” long term relationship or marriage that at some point “future” talk is a must.

SlimNumeroUno

January 25th, 2011
8:51 am

Like Oprah said, whenever you get that feeling to get married and start harping on all the hooplah of that ‘day’…go out and buy yourself a new fab dress and throw a kick arse party. lol

Now I told yall my co-workers for whatever reason have been joking about me getting married for the last few weeks…even went so far as to put a Briday Mag on my desk Friday, and you know I did look in it. Have to admit, I did see one dress that speaks to me. :lol:

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
8:57 am

@Slim well then see if you can’t get a cocktail version and go to Friday night jazz at Fernbank or the High wearing it. LOL

I am with Oprah..buy yourself a present. I love a nice present especially one I get myself.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 25th, 2011
8:57 am

Here’s the thing,

You can’t really let the expectations of others (friends, family, society) define you or your relationship.

The funny part is that most of the people popping all this jazz are either forever single, divorced, or unhappy.

You ever notice that happy people don’t really care about how you living?

Fion

January 25th, 2011
8:58 am

Marriage is not a reaction to a relationship, but rather the evolution of it.

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
8:58 am

Oh but I will accept a present too..I mean I am not turning down free. LOL

PrincessNik

January 25th, 2011
9:02 am

I’m with you Dan which is why i said its up to the individual. I know what I want but I don’t try to push that off on anybody else. I say DO YOU, but be sure you are doing you and not what everyone wants you to do.

Kimmy

January 25th, 2011
9:03 am

GM,
I dated someone on and off for 4 years. I cared for him dearly, but at a point I didn’t need to know if you thought I was “THE ONE”, but rather if you knew for sure that I was “NOT THE ONE”. I told him to go all in or go away. I wasn’t looking for a ring, but rather that he wanted to really make it work. I just feel like at some point all you are doing is wasting time and keeping each other from meeting the people you are suppose to be with. At some point you need to take a hard look at the relationship and stop kidding yourself.

SlimNumeroUno

January 25th, 2011
9:05 am

Kym – Go idea lol

SlimNumeroUno

January 25th, 2011
9:09 am

q

January 25th, 2011
9:13 am

First of all, is the long term relationship one in which the two are cohabitating[living together]? I read it in the obits all the time the deceased is survived by a companion or long time friend. I guess what we are talking ABOUT HERE are a couple maybe in their late teens or early twenties. It really all comes down to, if you really loved me we would get married, always comes down to that. When that happens, the other party says, I would like to commit myself to a 5 year marital agreement with option to renew. Certainly, after 5 years you will know if this is the right one. Then, if it is, marriage is a viable alternative. Love is very uncomplicated, it is like a Big Mac, once you have the right ingredients, you will know it. This 5 year marital agreement is going to be very popular and it was my idea, i want a patent.

LovelyBee

January 25th, 2011
9:17 am

Marriage is AMAZING, if you’re married to the right person, as in the person you truly feel that you cannot live without. There is some type of magic when you not only tell the person you love that they are the one for you, but you also tell everyone one you know. You’re so proud that you want to shout it from the roof tops. Love can do that.

If one person within the relationship is concerned about marriage, then there is a time frame. If both people are not concerned, then there is not a time frame, and they have a door number three. They can date forever and ever, if it suits them. Why not?

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
9:19 am

@q I don’t think this idea of long term relationships is just for the twenty-something crowd. I am in my late 30’s never married and I would welcome a long term relationship over marriage.

Old Man

January 25th, 2011
9:23 am

I’ve been married to my wife for wife 60 years and we make love almost every night. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, and etc…….

something to say

January 25th, 2011
9:23 am

Kimmy i totally agree with you….it comes a time in your life where you have to revaluate where you are and where you want to be. Marriage is not for everybody and because you are married doesn’t mean you will live happily ever after. If two people want to be married and has been in a relationship for a very long time. It’s time to move on. I have two kids with a man that I’ve been in relationship with for 9 years. I speak for myself and only myself its time to move on because we are blocking each other’s blessings.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 25th, 2011
9:24 am

@q

If the person loved you they would have to get married. Not everyone shares that desire to be married.

Think of it as more of a condition of loving you, or a condition for you as opposed to projecting that on anyone else.

Looking4 Purpose

January 25th, 2011
9:41 am

I believe it’s all in your values.

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
9:43 am

@4Purpose..Could you provide a more indepth explaination of your statement. What exactly do you mean by in your values?

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
9:52 am

Speaking strictly today from a beliefs stance (spiritual and/or religious) marriage is more than just what society thinks should happen. It’s the right thing to do.

I was having a conversation with my dad over the Thanksgiving Holidays, a man who truly and only believe that you date to marry. He was saying just in general people are turned off these days at doing what’s right. Not right by society or even family standards but right according to what was established by The Almighty for men and women to do.

So many try to put it off on defying what society says should be done but very few consider what God says should be done. And before any one says it I know for those that choose not to believe in God and the way he has stated what is approved by him, it does not matter. I get that. You have that right.

However, as one that chooses to believe I state my stance today.

My husband and I dated for 4 years and I never really knew if he and I would get married. I knew I wanted a future with him and he stated many times he wanted a future with me. But in even considering in my mind that he may never ask me to marry him I still believed marriage is right. And honorable.

Now that I have gotten that out of the way I will give my opinion on the topic. I do believe marriage to be the ultimate commitment between a man and a woman. I don’t view marriage as the road where a relationship ends up at but rather the path where it truly begins.

Just my opinion

January 25th, 2011
9:53 am

I don’t think marriage is for everyone. But I would probably commit to someone after a period of time simply because the next level in a long term relationship is marriage. Living together and doing all the things that married couples do….most times you are more than 1/2 half way there.

If I love someone, I would also want to build a life together financially and so on and in today’s society it is easier to do as a married couple. Hell most of us have a license for the dog….shots etc why not claim the woman we sleep next to every night.

Just my opinion

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
9:53 am

Looking4, I agree. It’s pretty much based on your values. What you choose to believe.

DreamsMaterialize

January 25th, 2011
9:55 am

Morning
Determine what it is that makes you happy and do that. If marriage will contribute to your overall happiness, then go all out for that. If not, then don’t waste your effort.

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
9:57 am

Somethingtosay, I agree that marriage is not for everyone just like everyone isn’t for marriage. But IMO those facts does not take away the establish of matrimony that was set up from the beginning.

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
9:57 am

I have seen many relationships over the years where when marriage is not an option or eventually presented on the table the couple decides to go their separate ways.

I often wonder, and some of you can answer if you want, if you are really okay with having the long term exclusive emotional bond to one and only one, why the aversion to marriage?

No you don’t need marriage to be committed to someone but why not bind yourself legally, and for those who believe, before God to the one you say is your one and only.

And no marriage does not guarantee happiness or that your mate will always remain, however not getting married does not guarantee it either.

abc

January 25th, 2011
9:59 am

“Having a future” needn’t include getting married. That viewpoint is more likely to run guys off than allow them to consider marriage. If both parties commit to each other, then it obviously involves the future. If both parties cannot, then just as plainly, the future is uncertain. If there’s commitment, marriage is an option. If there’s not commitment, then marriage shouldn’t be an option, and if marriage is what you want, then break up. Not exactly rocket science.

PrincessNik

January 25th, 2011
10:03 am

I am in my late 30’s never married and I would welcome a long term relationship over marriage.

Kym If you don’t mind me asking, why is that ?

Celisea

January 25th, 2011
10:05 am

Fion – Marriage is not a reaction to a relationship, but rather the evolution of it.

I like this statement….I believe it should be done because it’s what what God instituted and recognizes. It speaks to me that your intentions are until death, through the good the bad and the uglies. Too, I believe the blessings are in store for lives that are lived in accordance (to the best of our ability) with his plans. That’s not to say good things won’t happen to us all (as he reigns over us all…whether we believe or not…every man’s choice, every man’s right) but he himself honors and respect those that adhere and honor and respect what he’s given to mankind as a guage for living. Essentially it’s what God recognizes…I cohabitated before and no matter “how good” it was, it or gets it’s not recognized in the sight of God as a union. And while I’ve been guilty it’s considered too, a life of fornication.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 25th, 2011
10:06 am

@Raqi

How is a long term exclusive emotional bond not marriage?

For some, the institution and the act are the same, for more people it’s not.

If I make a committment to my lady that doesn’t involve the State or the church, how is that any less valid than if it did?

Celisea

January 25th, 2011
10:07 am

But essentially, we can date until…until we decide what we’re going to do…either make it right or leave it alone but nothing infinite will occur

Celisea

January 25th, 2011
10:09 am

Oh…morning

something to say

January 25th, 2011
10:09 am

@raqi I totally agree with you

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
10:12 am

@Raqi I get what you are saying and I understand for some people they feel that at some point God is going to punish them for all their sins if they don’t follow thru. But I truly believe that we all have our walk with God and only we can truly go to God for what is right for us. So while the Almighty might have laid on your heart to marry as being what is right for you. Who is to say that is what God is laying on the hearts of everyone out there?
In other words we really need to work on not imposing our beliefs on others. Because we have no idea what their journey is all about.

Fion

January 25th, 2011
10:16 am

@ Celisea, Thanks ! :-)

The problem with Marriage is, you’ve got to many people that never should have done it!
To many bad sales people out there tryin to endorse the product with JACKED-UP Lives!
.

Celisea

January 25th, 2011
10:17 am

Fion – True, so true

Fion

January 25th, 2011
10:17 am

I meant Shouldn’t have done it.

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
10:17 am

Too, I believe the blessings are in store for lives that are lived in accordance (to the best of our ability) with his plans.

Celisea, I have to agree with this ^. Like I stated, my hub and I dated for 4 years doing everything married people do outside of living together. However that did change my belief about marriage being right before God. I don’t care what people say in my mind and heart what God established will never be removed from the equation. In the words of my dear husband “you cannot unscramble a scrambled egg”.

People have their different beliefs. But despite even the life I lived I choose to believe some things are just what’s right. I haven’t done every thing by the laws of God and looking forward I know there are things that I will do against what he says but I do have respect for his establishments. Period.

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
10:19 am

Dan, it’s like piracy. Just because you can get it without going thru the proper channels doesn’t make it right. LOL

DreamsMaterialize

January 25th, 2011
10:21 am

Were Adam and Eve married?

BlackMagicWoman

January 25th, 2011
10:22 am

At one time I was one of those folks that was like “shhh of get off the pot”! If you really love someone there should not be a waiting period. I won’t be your fiancee for years. Then I noticed people that have dated for a year and then got engaged and married by the next year go on to be be happy. I have also seen people date for years, live togther, have a kid and then get married (totally bass ackword) and then they are divorced in 2 years. So now I say…it’s a crapshoot! You never really know someone. You can never say what someone IS capable of or NOT capable of. Who knows…you might be sleeping next to a Craig’s List Killer each night and not know it! :shock:

SLIM…as a lover of gorgeous gowns (all my years of pageantry I guess) I see a number of gowns that make me want to have a kick a$$ (Non-legal)wedding & reception. :lol: Marriage scares me like clowns! (D@mn that Ronald McDonald!

If I were to marry…I woudl need my own place still. I needs my space! :lol: Or we’d have to have a really big house! Again…I need my room where I can be me phi me when I want to be. If I don’t want to be bothered…I don’t need you messing with me trying to make me want to. You will only annoy me further! :lol:

Kym-The Steelers are the AFC Champs!

January 25th, 2011
10:26 am

@Princess.I don’t mind at all. I am a recovering commitment phobe(my cousin told me to say that) and really I have watched so many marriages crash and burn because people are working so hard to live up to some image for society or faith based belief. I think that if two people manage to find each other in this looney world and decide they want to make a go of committing to each other for the long haul..why would they need the approval of society or the church?

Celisea

January 25th, 2011
10:26 am

i'm swiss™

January 25th, 2011
10:27 am

“Were Adam and Eve married?”

I believe the talking snake performed the ceremony, no?

Raqi V

January 25th, 2011
10:28 am

Well Kym, I don’t think it a matter of what’s right for each individual when it come to the things God have established. If that’s the case we all can do whatever and say this is what God laid in my heart to do.

All of those guys on the news these days killing their wives, pregnant girlfriends, setting the girlfriends on fire can just as well say it was laid in their hurt to do so by God because “this woman” did something against me that she should not have.

A man’s ways are going to always be right in his own eyes. That’s how people justify what they do. It’s right to me and for me. My personal belief is God would not have given laws and made covenants and establishments if it was okay for us to just do what we want. That’s just how I believe.

The hub and I were talking about the structure of marriage once after coming from church and that being the subject matter. One thing we both agree on is marriage will and can work when lived according to how it was originally established. To say that it can’t is saying that God is flawed or he made a mistake. It’s us people that are flawed.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

January 25th, 2011
10:31 am

It depends on the person and the situation. IMO if you all are just dating and not staying together then the question “where is this relationship going” should be asked. I also think that dating for three-four years (not living together) is long enough for someone to decide if you see forever in that person or not. Dating one-two years is NOT enough time. I think people don’t remember that when you ask someone that’s been married for a long time “how did you all last for so long?” The answer is always communication and he/she is my best friend. It takes years to culminate a best friend and some people never have a best friend (be leary of those people). And communication with your best friend is always refreshing and you can’t wait to tell them things that are going on in your life. Personally I feel that living with someone is a lazy and incompetent way to say ‘hey i like you a whole lot but i feel that there may be someone better that may cross my path’. At least that what I was thinking all through the dating period of my life. I’ve only been married for a little over three years and it’s only great because i never doubt his love for me or his friendship. If you like being alone and not sharing anything tangible or emotional or thought provoking to any other human being then don’t get married.

kimmie

January 25th, 2011
10:34 am

Good morning lovely people! I may as well have an attitude of sunshine, since there is none outside today! :)

I like Dan’s 8:57 & Raqi’s.

I never look at what’s popular or what the trend is to decide what’s right for my life. “Society” will lead you astray most of the time! I look first to God. Then how I was raised and to what my goals are.

I get that marriage is not for everyone. But I’m not everyone, I’m me. I’ve always had a settled, married mindset, even when not dating anyone seriously. The desire to share my life with the right person and create a home, a family. I was never comfortable with even the thought of living with someone without being married, so that was never on the table as an option for me. I’ve been very patient, never desperate. I was willing to wait as long as it took. I promised my parents I would do it right and I am living up to that promise, even though they are no longer with me.

I’ve been threatened that if I didn’t shack with a certain guy he would never marry me. I sent him on his way to find someone whose values were more in line with his.

My SO and I recently got engaged after 3 years of dating. When we began dating, he had just lost his wife a year and a few months earlier. They had been married almost 11 years and had 2 young children. Needless to say, we were not in any rush. We both had the same values as far as marriage, but I wanted him to be READY and SURE. He loved his wife and you don’t just turn that off overnight, even if she did pass away.

I told many well-meaning and not-so-well-meaning friends and associates that I was sorry that we were not doing things according to THEIR timetable! We started getting pressure to marry about 5 months into dating! One friend kept mysteriously calling me to pray with her and get me to go on a fast because as she said, there must be SOMETHING holding him back from proposing to me! I fell out with a good friend for about a year because she upset his young kids with talk of replacing their mother’s picture they have up with mine as well as her putting my SO on the spot in front of everyone about “just when are you going to give Kimmie a ring?”! I have had a few, when finding out I’m engaged say, “it’s about time” or “I’m glad you got what you wanted.” As if I would invest years in a person that didn’t want the same things I wanted!

Sorry for the long post! But my biggest piece of advice is to not allow others to spoil your happiness, whatever you choose to do in your relationship! :)