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Playing for keeps: Long-term potential important?

The dating scene in Atlanta can feel about as solid as a Krispy Kreme donut some days. The fact is, there are plenty of single people mixing and mingling with each other. We meet. We flirt. We swap numbers. Yada yada yada. But how many of them have long-term potential?

Yes, I know long-term is not the sexiest word to those of you who have an aversion to commitment. It’s like this scary word that you barely want to utter around people who “are out to have a good time” or keep it light.

Well, dating “light” is great for a while, no pressure, no expectations. I have nothing against fun and light, really? I just know that at some point you figure out that the Mr/Miss Right Now can slowly become The One. Especially after you two have spent significant time together. You didn’t plan it, it just sort of naturally happened. So now what?

How do you figure out when someone has long-term potential if you didn’t really bother checking for it in the beginning?

Do you consider long-term potential important when you meet someone and go out with them?

Ideally, what type of person has long-term potential?

By Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

317 comments Add your comment

Mr_NYC

January 24th, 2011
8:29 am

Good morning all – I don’t make coffee but I did bring cheesecake.

If it happens naturally maybe that’s a good thing. Sometimes we try so hard to stick to a plan and make things happen we forget the beauty of allowing things to unfold. Of course, we don’t throw caution to the wind and take on what is no good for us.
Whether or not you consider long-term potential at first meet depends on where you are in the dating life stage.
Some of the characteristics that make for long-term potential take time to manifest themselves and be observed. The deal breakers are usually right in front of your face, but some of the more subtle qualities take time to recognize.
My $.02 today. YMMW

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
8:49 am

Good morning Mr NYC….please tell me you have fresh strawberry topping for that cheesecake?

Mo (aka Moeisha)

January 24th, 2011
8:53 am

Damn Mr_NYC – preciate the cheesecake! My fav!

On topic – “How do you figure out when someone has long-term potential if you didn’t really bother checking for it in the beginning?” IMO its something that you see in the person as you spend time with them, its definitely not something you see at first glance.

“Do you consider long-term potential important when you meet someone and go out with them?” No, if I have just met them then Im taking them at face value. We just met and we are going out, thats it.

q

January 24th, 2011
8:59 am

Think of choosing a mate like investing in the stock market.
#1 the golden rule in investing is never invest more than you can afford to lose. In dating never invest more of yourself[love] than you can affor to lose. That way you can move on without hurting.

#2 do you want long term growth or quick appreciation. That means the prospect has a great job already.

#3 Are there dividends, like inlaws having serious money.

These are a few of the ideas, personally I like to go for the gold[commodities] right away and if I strike it, I move on as soon as the mine plays out.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
9:09 am

Morning,

I tend to think of “long term potential” as something both exclusionary and mystical.

If, after a while of dating/mating, I can’t find reasons to overcome some of your annoying habits (and vice versa), then it’s not “meant to be”.

However, I also marvel at the fact that people wind up spending so much time with someone – even if it’s just hanging out – only to realize 6 months into it that this person “fits”.

So, for me the key is comfort. If I feel comfortable enough around you that I don’t need to front (which I usually don’t anyway), I don’t feel the need to hold my tongue (which I usually don’t anyway), from there it’s a matter of going deeper to find out how much we have in common.

Because for me, if I can’t be comfortable around/with you, then regardless of your “qualities/qualifications” ween gone make it no way.

Sorry for the long post..

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
9:29 am

‘if I can’t be comfortable around/with you, then regardless of your “qualities/qualifications” ween gone make it no way’

Like how you put that Dan da man ;-)

Mr_NYC

January 24th, 2011
9:30 am

@Slim – not just topping, but fresh strawberries with a little sugar.
How shall I slice them for you.
Also, have whipped topping.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
9:37 am

Morning all -

Long term potential is essential! (hey that rhymes :lol: ) You know why? Cuz folks who are “out for a good time” can be some of the laziest, careless folks when it comes to sex. And with that, there are a LOT of babies that result from such hook ups, locking you with them for…the long term!

Mr_NYC

January 24th, 2011
9:42 am

Making babies with the wrong folks, now that is the ultimate long-term potential with a negative outcome

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
9:43 am

@Slim

we talk about on here, and I hear my friends that aren’t in a relationship lament all the time about how good they are, or their qualities, qualifications, preparations, etc.

And, because they’re friends, we talk openly about things like, how do you make someone feel? If people are always nervous, quiet, or boastful, what are you putting out there?

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
9:53 am

NYC – As long as they taste good, I really don’t care how you slice em & dice em. And I’m cool on the cream…however, I may need to borrow a can in 3wks ;-)

DreamsMaterialize

January 24th, 2011
9:55 am

Long term potential is essential! (hey that rhymes )
ARed You gettin’ Jesse on us this morning. lol

On Topic:
There are some signs of long term potential right up front, and I do check for those. The presence or lack of long term qualities can still have short term effects. The other things take time, and if we’re around each other long enough they’ll come out.

kimmie

January 24th, 2011
9:58 am

Good morning!

Dan – On your 9:43 – I feel ya on that. A lot of times folks look good on paper, but in an actual relationship they can come up short.

As for long-term potential, I’ve never been into casual dating very much, so I’m looking for basic long-term potential coming out of the gate. Basic stuff like not still living with ya mama at age 40, steady employment, reliable transportation, decent conversation, no radically different religion that me, etc. Like I’ve never been one to go on even one date with a bad boy, justifying by saying “Hey, I’m just hanging out, keeping it light”. People that do stuff like that,yes they are the ones with totally unplanned pregnancies with a loser. You grown, you have no one to blame but yourself!

No need in looking crazy when you’ve let yourself catch feelings for someone without that long-term potential! You should have never let it get that far.

Sorry, I guess I’m just not “fun” like that! But I’ve enjoyed myself dating, so I’ve always just done what worked for me.

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
10:03 am

‘Making babies with the wrong folks, now that is the ultimate long-term potential with a negative outcome’

That’s exactly why I haven’t had any little seedlings yet. Would hate to date someone who wouldn’t/couldnt commit to me but ended up being forever attached to me due to some kid we made in error.

‘If people are always nervous, quiet, or boastful, what are you putting out there?’

Dan – Good point…

Frugal Chef

January 24th, 2011
10:06 am

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:16 am

Yeah, the making babies part always scared me.

That’s why I developed my obsession for condoms.

I have them in various jackets, coats, luggage and in my car, briefcase(s), house.

I ain’t making no babies with what could be the wrong chick.

Leggs

January 24th, 2011
10:23 am

Good morning.

@kimmie ~ I’m feeling your post. I’m looking or long-term out the gate. Sure, it will start off as casual dating as I get to know him, but since I know what I want I’m better equipped to know what I will tolerate toward the road of getting to know you better and what I won’t.

SexyCool

January 24th, 2011
10:27 am

Make sure you’re checking the expiration dates on those things regularly.

Kym-Yeah uh huh you know what it is...

January 24th, 2011
10:28 am

Good Morning All,

Wisey I don’t have an aversion to commitment..more like..well I don’t really know how to describe it. But I would think it is pretty rare that someone dates and knows from the word go that this person is the one. So why not keep it light and see how it goes. But I am with Dan I just want to be comfortable with the one I am with and if things progress to a more steady pace then cool..if not then still cool. But if I have to always be “on guard” well then what’s the point.

SexyCool

January 24th, 2011
10:32 am

Coincidentally, there is an article on Yahoo! today entitled “7 Factors for Lasting Love.”

Celisea

January 24th, 2011
10:32 am

Morning,

What Dan said, what Kimmie said, what Kym said……….

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
10:34 am

‘I have them in various jackets, coats, luggage and in my car, briefcase(s), house’

Dan – Daaaaaaamn, If I was at your spot I wouldn’t know what to think if I went to fix me a drink and there are Trojans stashed away in the freezer, butter dish holder, fruit drawer, behind the sammich meat and in the glass cabinet. lol I might think you had a slight problem…. :shock: :lol:

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:34 am

@SC

It’s part of the obsession; and thanks for the reminder.

Kym-Yeah uh huh you know what it is...

January 24th, 2011
10:35 am

@Dan you have an obsession with condoms?

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:40 am

@Kym

Yes, having them (though, the obsession is waning) available, cause when I was single…you just never knew when it could go down.

At Slim – you funny.

But just like y’all like to leave eyeliner or pads, I leave condoms (if I plan on returning).

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
10:42 am

Long term potential?

IMO from a logical POV consider the person’s age and then look at how long they have been with their current employer and the one prior that. How many times have they changed employment over the last 5 years and why? Consider their living situation and how long they have lived in where they live. How many times have they moved throughout the years and why?

If you find that a person cannot stick with something when it comes to just everyday living and necessities there is a huge chance that they cannot hang on to a relationship. Rather they do not have the desire or ability to stick around for long.

Now just because a person has been with the same employer for 15-20 years and living at the same address for 10 years does not automatically make them your long term potential. Neither does it make them a great catch however IMO it does say much.

Jobs bring much adversity at times. When you find someone that is able to endure…go with the flow…conquer that person has staying ability. That person has the spirit of perseverance. That person has determination.

Now has for having those little original traits that each individual want in a long term partner? That’s all about personal preference. But looking for signs of having the composition of what it takes to do long term, let their records speak for them.

At times we have to be logical and remove the intimacy and romance from the equation to take a good look at the overall track record. And directly related to the topic what about the number of long term relationships they have had in the past?

Kym-Yeah uh huh you know what it is...

January 24th, 2011
10:43 am

@Dan..don’t say y’all..I practice “the leave no trace” way of dating. Why? Because old dude will not be leaving anything at my place.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:45 am

Daaaaaaamn, If I was at your spot I wouldn’t know what to think if I went to fix me a drink and there are Trojans stashed away in the freezer, butter dish holder, fruit drawer, behind the sammich meat and in the glass cabinet. lol I might think you had a slight problem….

:lol:

I remember this guy came over to cook me dinner. He was up in my kitchen skinning and deboning whole chickens and mixing up stuff I’d never heard of. It was impressive. He got up from my couch to check on the food and I notice there was a condom left in his wake. I guess he had it in his back pocket and it slipped out.

In any case, that’s the last time he saw the inside of my crib. :lol:

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:45 am

But just like y’all like to leave eyeliner or pads,

Um…no.

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
10:46 am

Dan – Um…i’ve never left feminine hygiene products at a dudes spot that I was merely dating….outside of my ex who I dated off and on for nearly a dayum decade. lol But we lived together for almost 3 of those years. I may leave a toof brush but all that other stuff goes in my travel bag.

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
10:47 am

I ain’t making no babies with what could be the wrong chick.

Are you even aware of how many people that was sure that chick/chuck was the right chick/chuck until after the break up?

In fact, take a poll on this here blog and ask who all purposely married someone and/or had a child with someone knowing clearly that person was not the right person to be engaging with.

I bet you 95% of the people will say when they married and/or procreated with that ex all was more than fine and dandy at the time.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:48 am

@Raqi

I like that logic, though consider the alternative to “stick toitness”

There are people that stay in “dead-end” jobs because they are afraid to leave, afraid to try something new, afraid to challenge themselves, or afraid of failure.

In that case, I don’t want someone that has been “on fries for 5 years” or made manager via seniority.

Likewise, just becuase someone moves or has a number of gigs in a certain timeframe, it doesn’t equate to flakiness (though, as you stated, it could).

I’m as much a proponent for logic as you may find, however, logic can not be applied without facts and context.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:49 am

@Dan..don’t say y’all..I practice “the leave no trace” way of dating

Dan – Um…i’ve never left feminine hygiene products at a dudes spot that I was merely dating….

:lol: I often wonder if these guys actually say stuff like this from real life women they’ve dealt with… or if they get it from sitcoms. :lol:

SlimNumeroUno

January 24th, 2011
10:49 am

‘He got up from my couch to check on the food and I notice there was a condom left in his wake. I guess he had it in his back pocket and it slipped out’

Ared – that’s funny….how Presumptuous of him to think he’d get some after deboning whole chickens and all that jazz…guess he was prepared to debone summa you too. lol

Reminds me of going out with a dude and when I hugged him goodnight, I could hear the rustling of the condom in his pocket. Cold BUSTED because that’s a sound that’s very distinct. :lol:

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:52 am

@Raqi (10:47)

Again, I see your logic.

But for me, why chance it until I’m sure? I don’t take committment lightly, and for darn sure don’t take having kids lightly.

So, I stay strapped, until I’m sure that this is someone that I plan on being with – period.

And yes, I failed to mention the “crazy later” effect, because that’s a fear of mine as well; but I’m aquainted with (anecdotally) the scenario you spoke of.

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
10:53 am

Having the “permission” or the freedom to leave your stuff at your mate’s place goes along with being exclusive. Really the only reason someone will not want you leaving personal items at their place is because they don’t want the next person that will be passing thru to see it.

Heck if you are going to be in and out of there on the regular why not have a stash of necessities tucked away in a drawer? I mean should every date and mate session have to be scheduled?

I loved the freedom of just deciding to stay at his place overnight after a date and having what I needed in the morning. At some point you should be beyond having to pack an overnight bag to spend time with that special someone. Yeah you may have to wear the same outer clothes home the next day but you should at least have a clean pair of undies and a toothbrush to use.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:53 am

how Presumptuous of him to think he’d get some after deboning whole chickens and all that jazz…guess he was prepared to debone summa you too. lol

Slim – Exactly. I’m mad he thought the panties would drop cuz he knows how to use and oven. :lol:

Though one of my friends joked she’s given it up after a 6 piece wing dinner….so there you go. I’ll give him her number next time! :lol:

DreamsMaterialize

January 24th, 2011
10:53 am

So, what are some signs of long term potential for the ladies? Let’s get some examples going.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:54 am

Reminds me of going out with a dude and when I hugged him goodnight, I could hear the rustling of the condom in his pocket. Cold BUSTED because that’s a sound that’s very distinct

:lol: Right.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
10:55 am

So, what are some signs of long term potential for the ladies?

Payin my bills…

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
10:56 am

@Red

My girl left an eyeliner pencil in my car, and make up in my primary luggage. I say “left” because I found them later.

I’ve had girls leave lipstick, pads (individual not boxes), and panties in their wake. So you learn to look for it, if you think she’s inclined to that sort of behavior.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
11:00 am

I’ve had girls leave lipstick, pads (individual not boxes), and panties in their wake.

Like I inferred, certain types of chicks do that.

But as many of us already disputed, we don’t “like” to do that, unless we’re shady or have an agenda.

Established relationships excluded.

Leggs

January 24th, 2011
11:02 am

@Dan ~ does she know you’re leaving condoms, or do you stash it somewhere like women stashes that one earing under the mattress. Hmmm, if a guy left a condom at my place without my knowledge and I found it, I would stare at it for a long time before throwing it away!

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
11:05 am

Dan, did you miss where I said in that same post that those traits does not make one automatically long term potential? I stated that those are good indicators to judge determination and endurance on.

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
11:06 am

Dan, I am not saying you should not be careful. I love my son to death but the truth is I should have been more careful. All I am saying is at that time I had no reason to feel even it that mistake did happen the man I was with was not the right guy.

I don’t know if you have ever been married before, but I am willing to bet when and if you do get married pretty much every about that woman will be right in your mind when you marry her. And you will freely make babies with her. Only if you two separate and/or get divorced will you think she was not the right one after all. No one purposely marries the wrong person.

Like I said I am not saying you should not be safe. But we don’t always know it’s not the right one until we know that was not the right one. We sometimes blind ourselves to the truth.

And then sometimes that person is and can stay the right one when you choose to make it work.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
11:08 am

LOL @ Leggs. Dude does kinda sound like a fiend. Keeping a stash in your crib and your car should be enough.

With my last dude, he had to go out and search his truck once, he found one. But even still, I would have still been cool if he had to go to the store, ya know. I guess some guys figure if they can’t get it now, they won’t get it. :lol:

Leggs

January 24th, 2011
11:08 am

@ARed ~ I have never left anything at a guy’s apartment marking my territory. No matter how old you are, it’s a childish move!

Raqi V

January 24th, 2011
11:08 am

Dan, on the “leaving stuff” issue are you talking about woman that hide stuff in your belonging to be found later or are you just against a woman “keeping” a few necessities at your place? With your knowledge and permission that is.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 24th, 2011
11:08 am

@Raqi

No ma’am I didn’t.

I was merely pointing out the other side of that very coin. Determination and endurance are great qualities when applied in pursuit of a worthy goal; and in that we agree. But scared money don’t make money neither.

AmazonRed™ - Aaron Rodgers is that dude!

January 24th, 2011
11:09 am

but I am willing to bet when and if you do get married pretty much every about that woman will be right in your mind when you marry her.

Raqi – You’re spot on of course, but you know these dudes aren’t thinking of marriage with every chick they cut! That’s why they keep the stash everywhere…for those lucky nights after the club.