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Breakup tips: Closing the ex files

You can’t start something great with a new person if you harbor feelings for your ex. The thing about break ups? They don’t completely shut off those “pesky” emotions you once had a short time ago. We each handle break ups in our own way, but is there a trick to getting over your ex quickly?

Is it a good idea to remain friends? When do you stop hooking up with them? How do you move on without feeling bitter and resentful?

I don’t like staying friends with exes unless a lot of time has lapsed. It just works better for me because I think cutting ties means I won’t get confused and start reconsidering the breakup. Have you ever had a relationship that survived many breakups? Do you regret giving it another shot?

How long does it usually take to let go and move on after a break up? Is it true that men get over breakups faster than women?

135 comments Add your comment

DreamsMaterialize

January 14th, 2011
8:39 am

Morning
When I’m in, I’m all in, and conversely, when I’m out, I cut all ties…at least until I get back on track.

Is it true that men get over breakups faster than women?
I think so because we tend to handle breakups the way we’ve been socialized to handle everything else…”suck it up”, “get over it”, “better not cry”, “get ya mind right”, “man up”. Problem is, that way of thinking sometimes masks feelings rather resolve them.

Voice of Reason

January 14th, 2011
8:42 am

This is a great discussion topic. There is no trick to getting over an ex. I agree that one cannot start a new relationship if they still have feelings for the ex. Generally speaking, I feel it is not a good idea to remain friends (initially). Most women tend to want to be friends. Some because it makes them feel like all was not lost. Others because it makes them feel better about the breakup. Men, however, tend to not want to be friends (unless they can get benefits maybe) because the person hurt them. Friends aren’t cruel to each other, so why be friends?

If someone is truly an ex and a friendship is to be maintained, there can be no hooking up, getting in the person’s business regarding other potential relationships or trying to get the relationship back to where it was. A friendship like that is deceitful. Comments?

Peter

January 14th, 2011
8:44 am

I recently had an old fiance try to contact me though face-book, she is married, and I have not seen her for 13 years……

So she asks me ….. “Are you happy ” ?

What is it with some folks, why can’t they just let go ?

I wonder how she would feel, if she thought her husband was out contacting former lovers ?

I just deleted the e-mail. I am not going there !

AmazonRed™ - Goin' in!

January 14th, 2011
9:02 am

Morning all! I think I’ll brave the roads today…we’ll see. :lol:

Is it a good idea to remain friends?

Not to me. It’s always a good idea in theory, but usually one side tries harder than the other, and it just keeps the feeling of limbo going.

When do you stop hooking up with them?

Uh, immediately once “it’s over” has been established.

How do you move on without feeling bitter and resentful?

Faith…knowing that you’re free to find someone who is as into you, as you are to them.

Varinia

January 14th, 2011
9:13 am

I tend to cut ties. When I’m in a relationship I get very, very close and I don’t hold back. Subsequently I can’t really cut the relationship from intensity 10 to 5, which would be needed in order to be friends.

I’m always bothered when the media talks about someone having 2 failed marriages or a recently failed relationship. That kind of says that there’s only value in a relationship, if it’s until death.

I believe we meet people for reasons and we may spend time together to learn lessons and some last longer than others, but that each one of those people influences and changes us in some way. If it lasts til death – good, if not, then it wasn’t supposed to be.

We always grow throughout our lives, sometimes in tiny steps. What are the chances that both people grow at the same rate, in the same direction? So, if that is not the case and both can’t get on the same page, then I think it’s time to move on.

That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when a relationship is over, but I try to look at what we each have gained by having known each other and that’s my way of avoiding bitterness and resentment. I admit it may not always be easy, but it works

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 14th, 2011
9:19 am

Breakups happen for a number of reasons, and as stated, there is no timeframe for resolving the feelings invested in someone/something.

Remaining friendly is an option, but the best thing to do is to give both parties time to heal.

@Dreams

You forgot one. “to get over someone old, get…”

Mike P

January 14th, 2011
9:20 am

Is it a good idea to remain friends?
nope, once its over, its over

Is it true that men get over breakups faster than women?
Yes, but only when she’s not “the wifey” but the right now girl. we don’t go all in (heart and soul) unless she’s the one, period!!! so if there’s a break… “on to the next one!”

BlackMagicWoman

January 14th, 2011
9:54 am

Happy friggin’ Friday!

Well I personally could never be one of those people who break up and make up. Once we are done let it be just that done! Obviously we broke up for a reason. And if that reason is infidelity…boy…don’t even breathe my air loser!!! :lol: I will NEVER forgive you….nor try to be your friend and sure as hell not your booty buddy. After a long bit of time has passed and if we see each other in passing I may say hi and keep walking. But if you are on fire on the street….I wouldn’t even pee on you to put out the fire! (I’m just saying) :lol: :evil:

I do think woman, well a good amount of us have trouble getting over break ups because we have this need for closure. I feel like Tammi on Basketball Wives. Although it took years for that fool to own up to his screw ups…it was like an exhale to hear the words. If men woudl just own up and apologize it won’t erase the pain. But it makes the “F” up pill go dowm the throat a wee bit easier! A boy runs away from his screw ups. A real man owns up to them!

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 14th, 2011
9:55 am

Okay so…

Hopefully you’re comitting to someone that you like as well as love, so when the relationship is done – where does the love (more importantly the “like”) go?

- For those that like to “cut ties”

Mike P

January 14th, 2011
10:02 am

it converts to liking somebody else, someone new

Nice Guy Been Hurt

January 14th, 2011
10:05 am

I agree with Voice Of Reason about friendships regarding men and women. Men generally do not want to be friends after a breakup and being a man I agree with this, at least initially. I think people who are friends immediately after a breakup really are friends in name only and what the term really means is there won’t be animosity between the two people who just broke up and they will be cordial if they happen to see each other out and won’t bad mouth each other. Friends is just a simple term of saying all of that. Besides, how can you really be friends immediately after a breakup? Losing a lover is unfortunately is like losing a job. In the latter case the job may go away but unfortunately the bills don’t. It takes finding another job to deal with those bills. Dwelling on why you lost the old job is counter-productive. In the case of the topic we’re discussing the relationship may be lost but the feelings don’t go away so soon and so easily it seems. Dwelling on why it ended and having to see that person only confusing things and complicates the healing process. And how can you be a friend with an ex? I mean would you do the same things with the friend (ex) that you would with a regular friend like going out for a drink things like that. I think not, lest it leads to things like hooking up. I think women want to be friends (in name only) because it makes them feel better about the breakup and not the bad guy especially if they are the ones that ended the relationship when there was no fault from the guy.

2CPTG--in ATL, like a damn fool, freezin my ass off!

January 14th, 2011
10:05 am

G’morning…..

how long does it take? depends….like that song says, “it’s gonna be alright, but when’s alright coming?” And men don’t get over it any faster than females…..we just don’t go around blasting it from the rooftops, like y’all…..

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
10:07 am

Good morning (2nd try)

@Peter ~ smart idea. Her life maybe unfilling. You know, misery loves company. Stay clear.

It’s important that one takes time to heal before venturing out seeking a new relationship. You block your blessings when you’re still pining for another. No way you can openly give of your mind, your heart nor convey your desire while thinking about another. Heal yourself first!

@ARed ~ I made it in without any troubles from 285. Getting into my office complex proved to rather hazardous. Don’t understand why the business along this stretch didn’t ban together and purchase salt. Nothing like cautiously trying to get to work only to skid trying to get to the parking deck.

Celisea

January 14th, 2011
10:08 am

For me, I have ALWAYS walked without looking back. Always the easiest thing to do? Not such much but that’s how I’ve done it. Only ONCE though have I been in such a way that my after thought did I do the right thing. I think though sometimes a person asking “can we be friends” is just a part of the ritual in parting ways. Sometimes you know you won’t and sometimes you know their wanting to keep ties for selfish reasons. Let it be.

Varinia – Glad to see you’re back

Dan – It’s still there. You cut ties and then deal with it. You can’t deal with it though if it’s constantly being fed.

Celisea

January 14th, 2011
10:10 am

“they’re” not their….

NGBH – Nice post…I agree for the most part

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
10:13 am

@BMW ~ his apology and acknowledgement to Tami was powerful. However, that woman is straight hood. So looking forward to her and Evelyn having it out…sorry (back on topic).

@Dan ~ was wondering how soon it would take before someone mouthed “best way to forget someone is to get under another.” You did it in record time!

Shaunie

January 14th, 2011
10:23 am

I removed all traces of the Ex the first was his number from my phone so that I’m not tempted to call, the next thing I do is get rid of all of the pics. Moving on can be really refreshing! hint:( so if she/he aint blowing you up anymore, they probably have moved on) lol

But on a side note, folks with kids never get rid of the EX.

SlimNumeroUno

January 14th, 2011
10:29 am

Good morning….

‘Have you ever had a relationship that survived many breakups? Do you regret giving it another shot?’

Last relationship was definitely in the on & off again merry-go-round nightmare. At times I had regretted jumping back on the ride because it went on too long. I think he got used to us getting back together after each break-up until now. Got some random message in the wee hours of the morning asking, “Are you not IN love with me anymore?” :shock:

Y'all Are Kids

January 14th, 2011
10:34 am

All the women I’ve had a relationship with…Nope, no friends left. I broke it off. I broke it off because I didn’t want to be with them anymore. By being friends, I would have had to be with them, which I didn’t, so I wasn’t.
I got over it a whole hell of a lot quicker than they did. I guess it depends on who is the dumper and who is the dumpee. I have women who are friends, but I would never have a relationship with them because I value our friendship more than that.
If a relationship ends, that typically means it’s over. Cut all ties and forget about it. If it’s on again and off again, then seek therapy to find out what the hell is wrong with you that you want to go through all the hassle and heartache over and over again.

Varinia

January 14th, 2011
10:34 am

‘Staying friends’ is really just being acquaintances . I have not found that men really want to be real friends, but it’s just a term for ‘let’s act civil if we run into each other’.

The feelings are still there, but I can’t go from being really close to someone to ‘leaving a message and maybe getting a call back 48 hours later…’ . from one day to the next, as it goes with acquaintances.

Few breakups are mutual at the same time. Usually one person feels stronger than the other. So, cutting ties is the best way, so that each one can deal with their feelings and move on.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
10:35 am

I don’t think men deal with breakup better I just think they deal with it differently. Men are better at bottling their emotions. I think they are quicker to fill the void than women are. While they may not get over the woman so quickly they are quicker to get a stand in.

I have dealt with and known men that still have feelings for their ex 6 months to a year later all while entertaining the company of another or other women.

Whether it be man or woman, the average human being needs time to get over a breakup. Just like it takes time to get into deep love or like with someone it takes time to back out. It’s about like walking into a room that is 25ft. from door to adjacent wall. Once you get to the other side you are in 25ft. and to get out you have to go back 25ft.
You can take longer strides and make it out in lesser steps but you will never be able to undo the length of the room. Some folks may choose to walk the perimeter of the room making it take longer however the room does not get any smaller and once in you can never undo entering. You have to walk out.

Some folks may take drastic steps and try to find a different route out like going out the window but that can be detrimental to your health. (LOL)

Yeah as usually I went over and above. But yall get what I am saying. LOL

That’s a main reason staying friends is not a good idea. It hinders the backing out process. No need to carry quite active feelings for an ex over into the attempts to form a new relationship. And really what’s the real purpose of staying friends if not for the possibility of getting things started up again?

Sorry I am just not that good at fighting off emotions to be dealing with someone I was in a relationship with up close and personal.

Being cordial is one thing but attempting to be friends…real friends…is just not in my dna.

I think a big mistake that I made in the past and many of us make is when a relationship ends we start looking a someone else to help get over the former but as I learned the hard way it’s better to get over or be getting over the former and enter a new attempt with a clearer way of thinking.

BlackMagicWoman

January 14th, 2011
10:39 am

“I removed all traces of the Ex the first was his number from my phone so that I’m not tempted to call, the next thing I do is get rid of all of the pics.”

SHAUNIE…me too. Since I do not remember phone numbers anymore (thanks to cell phones). Deleting his is the first and most major step next to ignoring him if he contacts me. I block emails and texts/ calls from him so he can not sliver his way back in with words.

“But on a side note, folks with kids never get rid of the EX.”

Hence the reason….I do not want any! I do not want to add a reason why I can’t be free and rid of trash! No ties needed thanks!

SLIM…girl I can’t do the merry go around. It’s like taking back a man who cheats. If he did it once…what’s to stop him from doing it again…Love? Oh yeah because that worked so good the first time! :lol: He already has done the unforgivable. So taking him back just shows him that he can do anything to you and you would not leave because he has you hooked! No sir! :lol:

Y'all Are Kids

January 14th, 2011
10:39 am

SHAUNIE: “But on a side note, folks with kids never get rid of the EX.”

Until said kids turn 18. And you have to work almost as hard to remain friends as you did to sustain a crappy marriage. After the kids are grown, it’s ok to occasionally leave flaming bags of poo on her doorstep. I’m just sayin’.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 14th, 2011
10:41 am

How I know y’all bullishtting:

If you with someone significant for more than 6 months, they’ve met friends of your (and you theirs), they may have met family (and you theirs), and, as a couple, y’all have formed friendships.

That’s a whole mess of folks that know you individually and as a couple and they don’t forget.

So unless you wall off friends (old and new – in this town, hard to do) and family that have interacted with your former s/o, there is no “cutting ties completely”. And I know them anties ain’t letting it go….
“baby, when is you gone settle down and have some chirren?”

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 14th, 2011
10:42 am

@Mike

Bruh, you can’t transfer feelings from one person to another.

And, since no two snowflakes are alike, you can’t like 2 people for the same reasons or in the same way.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
10:44 am

Oh…Good Morning. :smile:

Leggs, my hub says it was the same when he got to work yesterday. The parking lot is a sheet of ice. He had to park in the lot next to his and walked to his office slipping and sliding the whole way. He and everyone else that made it in. Two of his employees live within walking distance and they were out there Tuesday and Wednesday trying de-ice the sidewalks but it didn’t work because of the overnight refreezing.

He just gave everyone the day off today and hopes the warmer weather will get it all melted before Monday. He is going to drive over there tomorrow to check out the conditions.

He and the boy are outside now trying to break up the ice on our driveway and shovel it off so the sun can reach the concrete and get it all melted. Had we been home before it turned to a sheet of ice he could have made tracks in the snow and it would not be so bad now.

Shaunie

January 14th, 2011
10:45 am

@Slim – If the Sex was GOOD it can be a little tricky for men..lol

Celisea

January 14th, 2011
10:47 am

Sorry I am just not that good at fighting off emotions to be dealing with someone I was in a relationship with up close and personal.

Exactly….It’s just the best and most healthy way if you REALLY want to move on. I agree with this too –> don’t think men deal with breakup better I just think they deal with it differently. Men are better at bottling their emotions. I think they are quicker to fill the void than women are

I don’t think I really learned that all men don’t just drop it like it was nothing until a couple of years ago. I mean he wasn’t a thorn in the flesh per se but he tried for a REALLY LONG TIME to “talk and work it out.” I learned then that, it’s not always as easy for men as I’d always believed. I think he struggled to let go more than I did.

SlimNumeroUno

January 14th, 2011
10:49 am

BMW – A definite waste of time that’s for sure. Guess in some way convinced myself that after he saw how his actions hurt me, that he would correct them going forward…it only allowed him to perfect the schemes to not get caught lol…

kimmie

January 14th, 2011
10:50 am

Morning Gang! Made it in today. Glad to get back into my regular routine.

I have always made sure I was completely over an ex before I got in a new relationship. I’ve been the rebounder and the reboundee and neither were pretty or fulfilling.

I don’t think men GET OVER someone they truly loved any quicker than women. Just because some might hook up and get under someone else quick, does not mean they are over the other person. They might just be trying to take their mind off it. But over – no way. I’ve known men & women where 15, 20+ years have gone by, they date, marry other people, have kids, but are still not over that one love.

As for the friends thing, I’ve said my peace on that many times on here. I keeps it moving. I’ve only remained friends with one ex and that was years after the breakup. Just too many hurt feeling are involved when the breakup is still fresh and usually it’s not really friendship, just one person is trying to hold on in hopes that things will change. They won’t. I don’t care how great a friends you were, you broke up. It’s over. Deal with it. By yourself.

Oh, and all the requests to be friends came from the guy, in my experience. I never wanted to hang on and try to stay friends. Looks too desperate to me, JMO.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
10:51 am

Since I do not remember phone numbers anymore (thanks to cell phones)

BlackMagic, that’s funny because I get upset with myself sometimes now when I need to call someone and I don’t have my cell with me but I can’t remember their number. But back in the day before cells and we were forced to remember numbers trying to forget certain numbers and couldn’t made me even more upset.

I spent many evenings convincing myself not to call someone I knew I shouldn’t be calling. LOL

Mike P

January 14th, 2011
10:52 am

@Dan
this is true… I just mentally focus my “loving” attention on someone new, all the while completely ignoring the old person (out of sight, out of mind). If I can enjoy and appreciate the new person, the feelings (energy) builds for this new person, overriding the ‘hurt and pain’ from the old, hence convert.

Shaunie

January 14th, 2011
10:55 am

“I’ve known men & women where 15, 20+ years have gone by, they date, marry other people, have kids, but are still not over that one love.”

@Kimmie – so do you wake up one day 20 years later and realize that you cheated yourself and maybe the person you were with? hummmm

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
10:56 am

@Raqi V ~ Ok, now I’m here at work. I’ve done one spreadsheet, penciled in one meeting, made one copy of a 537 page documents and ate a bowl of Lucky Charms. That’s it. Put me and my beloved Honda in grave danger (iced over office complex) just to sit here with my bestest of bloggers!

kimmie

January 14th, 2011
10:58 am

Shaunie – Blessedly, I’ll never have to wonder about that. But I know some folks who do. That other person is always in the back of their mind, even subconsciously, and the person they settled for may know it too. Sad situation.

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
11:01 am

@kimmie ~ bet 8 out of 10x the person knows about the ghost still residing in their SO other’s heart!

AmazonRed™ - Goin' in!

January 14th, 2011
11:04 am

Leggs – The connector looked great! At least going north. I take Langford Parkway and was suprised only ONE lane was clear. I thought they got all the major roads! :evil: In any case, it still only took me 35 minutes. Usually only takes me 25 so I’m not complaining at all!!!

Cut Em Loose

January 14th, 2011
11:05 am

My sister-in-law is still friends with her boyfriend from HIGH SCHOOL that beat her and cheated on her in college. She is still friends with a boyfriend who dropped her like a hot potato because she was “annoying” but really he had started cheating with another woman and decided to continue that relationship. She talks about these guys as if she is still in a relationship with them and hasn’t found a new relationship in over 4 years. Too many people feel compelled to be friends even when someone has treated them horribly. Keeping the ex around, even as friend, is a road block to progress.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

January 14th, 2011
11:06 am

Morning All!

Made it in to work for the second day….working from home is great and all but I needed to get out

Leggs – LOL! you are so dedicated

kimmie

January 14th, 2011
11:06 am

Dan – It can be tough, if like you describe, you’ve met the fam & friends and all. There have been some family and friends of exes I truly liked. But that’s life. No doubt we won’t be going to the same family functions anymore together. Yes, in this town, we may run into the same people if we travel in the same circles. Personally it’s never been much of a problem. I never dated anyone from my church or from work that I had to see much anymore after the breakup.

But you just deal with it. I just don’t see how remaining anything other than cordial is necessary.

Personally, those dudes that continually tried to hang on got on my nerves. Almost like a stalker. K.I.M

M. (pronouced M dot)

January 14th, 2011
11:07 am

Good day.

The best way for guys to get over breakups is to go back into training, take a hiatus from dating, and also take inventory of what went wrong in the relationship and your role in it. Next own up to it and move forward and make yourself better. That way, you are wiser and more equipped for the next situation.

I think alot of people (especially women) have the logic that the best way to get over someone old is to get under someone new. This is not really a good idea for women because every guy that they deal with could potential lead to increased baggage whether she knows it or not.

Ladies, its ok to take a dating diet or mancation!

I am cool with being cordial with my ex’s but as far as them being in my business, not interested.

DreamsMaterialize

January 14th, 2011
11:11 am

so do you wake up one day 20 years later and realize that you cheated yourself and maybe the person you were with? hummmm
Shaunie This probably happens more often than we know. I know a woman who is leaving her husband after 20+ years of marriage because she said she never really wanted to marry him and is tired of being miserable.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
11:14 am

Leggs, yeah in some cases it’s just not worth it. I spoke to an ex-coworker and she said that they didn’t have to go in until 11am Wednesday and yesterday. Then they left at 3pm.

I know when we were driving home Wednesday afternoon we pretty much slid all the way home. LOL Had we been in the truck it would have been a lot better. And because his car was parked on the street he drove it to the office yesterday he said was not a fun trip.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
11:15 am

AmazonR, my friend Marissa works downtown and says there are a lot of streets still covered in at least 1/2″ thick ice.

Raqi V

January 14th, 2011
11:21 am

Kimmie, I agree. It is much harder when tight knit bonds have been made with a person’s family and the two have formed mutual friends. The out-of-sight-out-of-mind doesn’t work so much when you are showing up at birthday parties and whatnot of friends that you once shared. While the two may not be together anymore they both are still friends with a mutual person.

I remember when I broke up with the nature guy my mom would occasionally ask me about him. Heck I wasn’t keeping with him and his whereabouts but she kinda liked him and would ask about him.

She loved Mase and asked about him once when he and I were not speaking. I told her he was no longer a concern of mine (for 2 short weeks. LOL). She told me I was going to marry him. LOL I told her she was crazy.

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
11:21 am

@ARed ~ glad you made it safely.

Leggs

January 14th, 2011
11:25 am

@Cut Em Loose ~ I feel sorry for her. Some part of her pysche believes those that did her wrong then are changed and want to be friends with her. But, in actuality, she’s confirmed what they already knew back in the day…she’s still a sucker and weakminded. No way a man could do any of that to me and find me on FB and I make them a friend. No way!

AmazonRed™ - Goin' in!

January 14th, 2011
11:27 am

AmazonR, my friend Marissa works downtown and says there are a lot of streets still covered in at least 1/2″ thick ice

Yup. Ice and hard packed snow. Ivan Allen by the W Hotel was closed off. But Langford Parkway is a highway pretty much so that should be clear.

BlackMagicWoman

January 14th, 2011
11:27 am

SLIM..I think the reason people do the pendulum game of back and forth is “separation anxiety”. This person has been what you have known and gotten comfortable with for a period of time not matter how good or bad it has been. So part of you is afraid to let that go for the fear of someone else having them or just the fear of starting over with something new. It’s that one in the hand and 2 in a bush thing. It works for some things. But in other instances its a boobie-trap that we set for ourselves. When and how to apply it becomes the hurdle.

“bet 8 out of 10x the person knows about the ghost still residing in their SO other’s heart!”

LEGGS…I met someone back in the summer and we began seeing each other. It was long distance (he was here and I came back to GA after my surgery for a few months.). Now that I am back I realize there is a ghost in his heart. The red flag flew up when he would mention his ex…even though she cheated on him and he caught her. He would even mention the similarities in the both of us (our signs, attitudes, etc.). So he now has gone from liking hime some BMW to distant. I have no time to deal with dudes with the Ex-Complex. So I cut him off. I have found great replacements for him though! :lol: being the International Dater… I have a nice selection of delicacies to sample instead of stressing over one who would know a good thing if it bit him in the a$$! :lol:

CUT EM LOOSE…your sis is setting herself up to be the “Fall Back gir;”. The one that these fools can fall back to for whatever he needs if/when things don’t work with the current chick. So in the meanwhile..you go to the Fall-back girl.

M. – I have been on a man diet for a while sometimes. It is refreshing I tell you.

Dan - Simply...Superior

January 14th, 2011
11:28 am

@Shaunie

Folks fool people all the time -marrying someone because that what’s “supposed to happen or (even after 16) “that’s what my friends are doing”.

Worse yet, they fool themselves.

20 years of living a life that you never really examined, and then one day you wake up and see that you don’t like/know who you are…yeap, it happens.

Shiioott it happens at varying times in peoples life