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Dating: Are you in the wrong relationship?

If you are having doubts about the person you are dating, does it mean you are in the wrong relationship? I ask because a couple of different people have told me that they want to end their relationship because of a few doubts they have.

One guy told me that he pursued a woman for months and thought he wanted to be exclusive with her. When the realized they had zero chemistry in the bedroom, suddenly she’s the wrong person for him.

Interestingly enough, a woman I know from yoga told me that she doubts her boyfriend is the one because he doesn’t show any affection whatsoever. She is the type that needs that from a relationship.

Do you think we have these ideas about what relationships should be about and bail out too fast when we don’t get it? Are you in the wrong relationship because they aren’t satisfying an important need?

How do you rank those needs in importance? What do you think you have to have in a relationship that would make you want to stick it out?

Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

261 comments Add your comment

AmazonRed™

December 17th, 2010
12:19 pm

Hey Mrs. Tazzee!!!

Sometimes I do wonder what would have happened if I hadn’t left so soon. I hope the guy would have been real and told me he didn’t see a future with me. But I suspect he just would have strung me along for years with the same outcome. Guess I won’t know for sure til I meet that one that puts them all to shame like you did! ;) And I love how it didn’t take either of you long to lock it down. :)

Luvbug

December 17th, 2010
12:20 pm

M.Dot – I get that. I just wonder if people meet the best, but really only want the worst. I mean, if a man wants a whore (something he would obviously exclude from his list for fear of shame), a non-whore who meets the need list will not break the spell…non-whores need not apply.

Why not just be check your history, be honest with what you want and go for it?

Celisea

December 17th, 2010
12:21 pm

NY2GA – Celisea, I see you are picking right up on dropping the knowledge…

While I understand we’re all different, I always hope to positively contritbute to the discussion :)

Luvbug

December 17th, 2010
12:21 pm

M.Dot – I get that. I just wonder if people meet the best, but really only want the worst. I mean, if a man wants a wh0re (something he would obviously exclude from his list for fear of shame), a non-wh0re who meets the need list will not break the spell…non-wh0res need not apply.

Why not just be check your history, be honest with what you want and go for it?

i'm swiss™

December 17th, 2010
12:22 pm

“Thats a huge trap alot of people get into which is trying to make it work with someone based on their career which leads to a financial figure in your head and what you think they can do for you.”

Very true. Although, having said that… I think I could make it work with Oprah:lol:

Sassy Me..my neck..my back :-)

December 17th, 2010
12:22 pm

I’m basing my qualifiers on what I “want/need” going forward.

Ditto…

Purple Rain

December 17th, 2010
12:24 pm

Anyone ever know what they wanted but did not know what you needed until you received it?

Leggs

December 17th, 2010
12:27 pm

:lol: :lol: Interesting question, Luvbug. I can’t answer it since I’m not dating anyone. Now, I have placed quite a few on my DNA list for a slew of reasons. That’s why it’s much easier for me to shift through the rift raff. I don’t have time for so much of the nonsense that’s lurking…

Melo!!

December 17th, 2010
12:27 pm

Leggs?

did u say?’ I is want/need going forward? :lol:

but seriously,what have u been basing them on in the past?

Denise

December 17th, 2010
12:41 pm

New to the blog…

I have stayed in relationships wayyyy too long trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to be. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t “love someone into loving you”. Trust me, that is a hard lesson to learn.

I just had to give a guy the “just friends” talk. I think he’s great but I feel absolutely NO SPARK. He’s nice looking but I’m not DRAWN to him. Yeah, that sounds crazy and maybe even a little bit foolish but I am very affectionate and I like to WANT to be up under/boo’d up with my man. If I don’t feel the DESIRE to be up in my man’s face all the time (all the while knowing I can’t), then we aren’t tight. Even when I’m angry with a man, I still want to be in his presence and sometimes even touching just to show that this is just a mad, not a breakdown of a relationship. I can understand yoga-girl’s distress at the lack of affection. I couldn’t deal with it. I’ve tried to initiate it with an unaffectionate partner but when it is not reciprocated or, better, not initiated from his end, it doesn’t feel “real” and I can’t deal. Should I have given Mr. No Spark more time (more than a few months) to see if something clicked? Don’t know. But I know that for right now, he didn’t meet the need.

The guy I just met is very affectionate, very open with his feelings, very direct and clear that he wants to be with me (makes me nervous because we’re still reallllllly new in this thing), and very clear that he wants me to want him. Now, is he LL Cool J fine? Nope. He’s cute. But he’s short and has a little belly. But I stay up all night every night talking to him, looking forward to the next time I see him. I was panicking when I thought I wasn’t going to see him until after Christmas. Don’t know how this will play out but I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes. I hope I keep my eyes open and stay true to myself in this situation as I have in the “just friends” one.

Melo!!

December 17th, 2010
12:45 pm

Short and s lil belly?

Twister? :lol:

Purple Rain

December 17th, 2010
12:45 pm

Have a happy holiday and new year. We are leaving to visit my Nonni, Cugini and Zii and returning on the 5th. I wish you and your families love, blessings and safe travels.

AmazonRed™

December 17th, 2010
12:46 pm

I have stayed in relationships wayyyy too long trying to make something work that wasn’t meant to be. I’ve learned the hard way that you can’t “love someone into loving you”. Trust me, that is a hard lesson to learn.

Boy is it.

Welcome Denise and good luck to you.

Willie Dynamite

December 17th, 2010
12:53 pm

Afternoon All,

I am agreeing for the most part with 2can/Rell from earlier. I tend to think that most people do stay in bad relationships far too long. The biggest reason I see is the qualifying aspect. If/when you fail to do your due diligence then you are also prone to denial. The old I can make this work or it’ll get better is just naive thinking. Face the facts and admit to yourself that you chose wrong and keep it moving. Dating should be about finding the right fit for you in your life. It may sound ugly but it should be a selfish thought. Qualify yourself FIRST.

SlimNumeroUno

December 17th, 2010
12:56 pm

Ared/Melo – Nothing has happened yet with current situation…just saying i’m about ready to not look for the big M as something that’ll happen in my lifetime.

Celisea

December 17th, 2010
12:57 pm

. If/when you fail to do your due diligence then you are also prone to denial. The old I can make this work or it’ll get better is just naive thinking. Face the facts and admit to yourself that you chose wrong and keep it moving

I mentioned “due diligence” earlier simply because the guy Diva refers to “thought he wanted an exclusive”. So I’d ask if the sex wasn’t all that did ya’ll step outside the box and try new things? That’s what I mean. I don’t mean hanging on to something that’s flatlined. If he would have said we hardly ever agree or we’re just too different, then yeah but he specifically referred to not liking the sex. As I stated too, plainly he got it and was ready to go.

Fion

December 17th, 2010
12:58 pm

Dating Factoids:

1. Don’t make anyone a Priority when ur an Option.
2. You can’t EXPECT anything from something u didn’t take time INSPECT.
3. Maybe who ur Looking for ain’t Looking for YOU.
4. Face it, maybe it’s U.

kimmie-off today

December 17th, 2010
1:00 pm

Willie – Good post

2CPTG©--"that dude from da innanet"

December 17th, 2010
1:02 pm

Slim:

“i’m about ready to not look for the big M as something that’ll happen in my lifetime.”

few weeks ago….that text; do you recall?

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 17th, 2010
1:02 pm

So I’d ask if the sex wasn’t all that did ya’ll step outside the box and try new things?

Celisea, I wondered along these lines as well, but concluded that if he were truly looking for committment, this resolution would have been a no-brainer.

NY2GA

December 17th, 2010
1:02 pm

Denise, any thought to maybe you are feeling this way because it’s all new? I mean you said that the two of you just met and he is being very affectionate and he already knows you are the one. How long has this been going on?

Luvbug

December 17th, 2010
1:03 pm

Melo – What I want and need has not strayed far from what I’ve had. The exclusion would be a cheater/liar. I never wanted that, but I’ve gotten it before. I don’t have a ‘should want’ list. I think you have to actually want it to choose it.

Fortunately…or unfortunately, I haven’t changed much…my none-list list has not been very elaborate. Thinking of positive traits they had in common…low-key, firm, loving guys. I’ve since added monogamous to my none-list list. :lol: :lol:

Sassy Me..my neck..my back :-)

December 17th, 2010
1:04 pm

Dating should be about finding the right fit for you in your life. It may sound ugly but it should be a selfish thought. Qualify yourself FIRST.

Worth repeating…that pretty much sums it all up. Heey Mista Willie..

DreamsMaterialize

December 17th, 2010
1:04 pm

Why not just be check your history, be honest with what you want and go for it?
Luvbug Allll day. It reduces the stress sooooo much.

AmazonRed™

December 17th, 2010
1:05 pm

Ared/Melo – Nothing has happened yet with current situation…just saying i’m about ready to not look for the big M as something that’ll happen in my lifetime.

Slim – You know I love you, but it’s a sad thing to say when you actually are seeing someone. Don’t you think it should feel different, or better, by now?

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 17th, 2010
1:09 pm

@Willie

I agree. Also alot of people stay because they dont want to be alone and think this is the only option they have right now. So they would rather have somebody than nobody.

Luvbug

December 17th, 2010
1:13 pm

Dreams – It certainly does. I don’t think I could successfully swing a ‘should want’…and I don’t want to be somebody’s ‘should want’. LOL

People love what they love, and I don’t want to have to talk you into me. :lol:

SlimNumeroUno

December 17th, 2010
1:15 pm

‘do you recall?’

2C – Yup, I sure do. ;-)

Ared – Is a bit strange huh? lol

Sassy Me..my neck..my back :-)

December 17th, 2010
1:18 pm

So they would rather have somebody than nobody.

Yes indeedy. What’s even worse is when I hear women say, “well I’ve been with him this long…I ain’t about to start over with somebody else…but they’re steadily complaining while with said dude. And let’s not forget the,“I’d rather have a piece of man than none at all” crew. Every time I hear that I’m like :shock: Sadly, some of these women have daughters they pass this on to.

Celisea

December 17th, 2010
1:19 pm

Delight – Celisea, I wondered along these lines as well, but concluded that if he were truly looking for committment, this resolution would have been a no-brainer.

Yep…..

Melo!!

December 17th, 2010
1:21 pm

Luvbug?

Firm,loving guys?

Smart gal…it can’t be a list if Firm ain’t in there..Swiss agrees too!

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 17th, 2010
1:22 pm

@Sassy

“And let’s not forget the,“I’d rather have a piece of man than none at all” crew.”

Yup this is so true. When fantasia got caught in her drama, women were calling into the Rickey Smiley show saying they liked to date married men because it was consistent and they knew what they were getting.

Whats worst, I know married men who get more women than me and I am legally single!

Somethins is wrong people!

DreamsMaterialize

December 17th, 2010
1:23 pm

People love what they love, and I don’t want to have to talk you into me.
Luvbug You’re right. I’ll never try to convince you that I’m right for you. You should go after whatever it is you want. If I’m not that, then please move on. I pitch to people in the market for MY product.

kimmie-off today

December 17th, 2010
1:24 pm

Luvbug – I feel you all day on that “should want” mess! I have a friend that was constantly saying that about this dude she was seeing that she was just not into. They both were miserable. She kept saying “but he’s a nice guy”. Yeah nice, but not nice for YOU! It was unfair to both of them.

Whatever it is you want, just be straight up about it. Don’t say you want something because it sounds good and politically correct. Be true to yourself.

Melo!!

December 17th, 2010
1:25 pm

Slim?!

Like Ared, I dare to ask why ure settling if settling(current guy) will
give u a bad(not desired situation or outcome?

cut short the misery!

If u don’t think it’s not going anywhere cut shirt the misery.,,

Sassy Me..my neck..my back :-)

December 17th, 2010
1:30 pm

I know married men who get more women than me and I am legally single!

Something is VERY wrong!

SlimNumeroUno

December 17th, 2010
1:31 pm

Melo – I’m not saying current guy won’t give me my desired outcome. Taking it slow.

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 17th, 2010
1:32 pm

@Slim

If I can interject some advice, what you should do is look at your situation LOGICALLY. What is the problem and why do you think he isnt heading toward the M?

Whatever that reason is, if its correctable, talk to him but remember you cant make him do anything so be prepared for the backlash.

If he is not down for the Big M, charge him to the game and find somebody who is.

The greatest dating advice I ever received:

“Never make an excuse for someone in dating in any area”

They dont call, take you out, make things official, let you meet their parents, etc. Dont make any excuses for them Let that marinate….

Luvbug

December 17th, 2010
1:35 pm

it can’t be a list if Firm ain’t in there..Swiss agrees too!

Melo- Leave it to you…and possibly swiss to flex the firm. LOL

Dreams/Kimmie – You’ve got that right!!

Melo!!

December 17th, 2010
1:36 pm

Taking it slow??

Slim u’re just too anxious…dudes do that too especially when it comes to cootie…… then splash be4 throb 4 is even over!

Be patient babeeey! :lol:

SlimNumeroUno

December 17th, 2010
1:39 pm

M. – Good deal, I will ponder or in your words Maenate on that ;-)

Willie Dynamite

December 17th, 2010
1:42 pm

Slim – If I may??? your case is almost the perfect example for the topic today. On one hand you’ve already expressed/hinted doubt as to the possible outcome being less than desirable (big M). On the other hand you’ve also expressed the need to have patience and slow rolling it.

SlimNumeroUno

December 17th, 2010
1:43 pm

Melo – I’m not too anxious or pushing the M word. I really made the whole, bout to give up statement to be funny. I didn’t even have my current situation in mind when I said it.

Mrs. Tazzee

December 17th, 2010
1:45 pm

Hey Kimmie! That blog monster is one sorry mofo, LOL

AmRed – yeah, I’m still amazed at the fact that we haven’t even been together 2 full years. Shoot I just celebrated 2 years of being back in Atlanta. What I love most is that, throughout our entire relationship, there never was a time when I thought about leaving – or had my signature ‘I was better off alone’ thoughts. As much as I was loving being single – I love being married to him even more.

OK, Imma stop with the sappy…

Rell - 4000 degreez

December 17th, 2010
1:50 pm

I know married men who get more women than me and I am legally single!

Somethins is wrong people!

@M..there is a segment of society that likes/love with others have….they dont count

Leggs

December 17th, 2010
1:50 pm

@Denise ~ Welcome aboard! Nice Post!. I am interested to know how long have you been with your new guy. Sounds like you’re in the “butterflies in my belly” stage. I hope your relationship continues to grow to your satisfaction.

@Melo ~ remember I haven’t been out much since my divorce. Had some things I needed to work on emotionally, as well as mentally.

“And let’s not forget the,“I’d rather have a piece of man than none at all” crew Exactly. I can’t be a member of that crew.

Mrs. Tazzee

December 17th, 2010
1:53 pm

Anyone ever know what they wanted but did not know what you needed until you received it?

Yup!

Slim Although you meant the statement to be funny, it reminds me of a friend of mine. She was engaged when Jill Scott’s last CD came out and said her favorite song was ‘Whenever You’re Around’ – I was perplexed. I asked if she had really listened to the words and she said that’s why it was her favorite. I told her that perhaps she shouldn’t marry a man that reminds her of that song. She’s married to someone else now…

M. (pronouced M dot)

December 17th, 2010
1:54 pm

@Rell

LOL

I just think its funny…Im like man you already have a wife at home….go home and watch the lifetime channel with her or take her to home depot and look at paint lol why you out here at the bar in my way?

AmazonRed™

December 17th, 2010
1:54 pm

Slim – I can appreciate taking it slow…but really, where is it going? We’ve been hearing about dude for a while, and it’s always been lukewarm. Are you guys even officially boyfriend and girlfriend?

Leggs

December 17th, 2010
1:57 pm

lukewarm relationship…interesting label, ARed.