accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Cheating pre-marriage a deal breaker?

I’ve noticed that a lot men that I have talked to about their exes who cheated on them rarely continue the relationship. It pretty much makes her off limits for anything more than hooking up. One guy even said that if she cheated before he even thought of marriage, she would probably do it again after marriage.

Do you believe that a person is not marriage material if they were unfaithful to you while you were dating? Is fair to hold that against a person who may have changed and learned from their mistakes?

Should cheating in marriage be compared to cheating on someone you are dating?

Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

358 comments Add your comment

abc

December 15th, 2010
11:44 am

Yes, cheating is an absolute deal breaker. If dating and exclusive, eh, not so exclusive after all, right? It’s over. If married, it’s totally over. No cheating is tolerated, period.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
11:47 am

…and yet another memo of site blocking…there goes facebook and linkedin…bummer

blue©

December 15th, 2010
11:48 am

@PR – id say yeah, up your screening process for your own sanity, but they need to do just as much self reflection as i do, lol
@Princess – don’t mix the whatchamacallits with the thingamajiggies – now ya tell me :roll:

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
11:49 am

D Dub of the MSP – your 11:12…I bet you’re a decent dude too

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

December 15th, 2010
11:53 am

“D Dub of the MSP – your 11:12…I bet you’re a decent dude too”

I would say so;

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
11:55 am

2Can – yep

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
11:57 am

All this is just further evidence that time needs to be taken to develop a relationship and really get to know someone, rather than jumping into bed on the first few dates. It won’t guarantee you won’t still get hurt, but it’s a better screening method.

For example, say you meet someone and the 2 of you just vibe right away and jump into physical intimacy right away. That person is likely still sleeping on the regular with someone else. No need in looking crazy a few months later down the road when you’ve caught feelings yet that person is still sleeping with others.

Take your time and get to know someone and see if you share the same values and morals and views on such things.

AmazonRed™

December 15th, 2010
12:00 pm

Trying to get in before noon, but…good afternoon all.

Vows are real. You make em in marriage, you sign a contract, you stand before friends and family. I would try to make my marriage work, even in cases of infidelity.

In dating? Well, no such promises. And now you’re showing me what I could be signing up for for a lifetime. Kick rocks, we’re through!

AmazonRed™

December 15th, 2010
12:03 pm

Thanks for the birthday shout out Angie.

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:05 pm

Amred – Do you think you would still try to make your marriage work if your husband gave you an STD or fathered an outside baby?

I know plenty women that tried to stay even though dude cheated, but when one of those two biggies happened, they had to go.

BlackMagicWoman

December 15th, 2010
12:06 pm

Vows are real but unfortunately…people aren’t! :sad: I just wouldn’t want to force something that shouldn’t be. I have seen people get married…have an infidelity issue…try for years to work it out..only to end up getting divorced anyway. It’s because the trust is gone and hurt lingers. Then you find that you’ve watsed years of your life that you can not get back trying to make things work! Love is work…true. But it can’t be forced. Now would I try to make things work for small issues that I might otherwise end a relationship over if I were married, yes. But cheating and any kind of abuse are instant dealbreakers!

czBrat ... last day HOORAY!

December 15th, 2010
12:07 pm

good noon all!

without reading to catch up, i’m just gonna hope (and agree) that the general consensus is “Yes! Cheating pre-marriage is a deal breaker!”

now, lemme see if i’m right :)

Light

December 15th, 2010
12:09 pm

Let God will be done thru this blog http://lightoftheearth.blogspot.com/

pj

December 15th, 2010
12:10 pm

Melo!!

December 15th, 2010
12:12 pm

@Kimmie?

that’s what ‘4 better or worse’ means in the vows.

but I can understand why a lotta couples now script their own
vows. Commitment nowadays is a distraction. Females are mire like venture capitalists!

What’s the most I can get outta that deal(marriage)?

@Ared….burfday shout out?
I was laughing at Angie’s ‘keep ur enemies close’ mantra! :lol:

Hey folks!

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:13 pm

Kimmie – 11:57…yep yep yep…I for one think about this. Naturally I’m not going to harp on something like this day one but I’m holding. So I’m inclined as with other reasons to not get physical. I don’t know if you’re still having “relations.”

I think the other thing is that in this day of dating, people REALLY haven’t experienced dating and courting and getting to know a person like we use to do it. Swapping fluids upon meeting is just not the same. I just think it’s been bypassed and people assume the natural thing to do is, we click….let’s do it

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:19 pm

Melo – Would you stay if Queen brought you a disease or got preggers by another man?

I’m just curious with my questions, by the way, not saying it’s right or wrong. I just know of a lot of cases, where folks thought they could deal with just about anything, until those 2 things came up. This guy I dated – his dad fathered an outside child. His mom tried to stay and work it thru, but they ended up divorcing anyway. And don’t even ask me about folk bringing home diseases, repeatedly.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:20 pm

“fathered an outside baby”

We had a woman at church that would bring her husband’s other baby to church. She would help track and pay the baby’s mother child support. He died last year I think at the age of 54.

My sister just told me the other day about a girl we both knew and worked with, how her husband got another kid and they now have custody. I guess if you’re going to keep the marriage you keep everything.

Cheater

December 15th, 2010
12:21 pm

Ok, let’s not get all sanctimonious on this topic. Sure, no one is going to get on this blog and say they are a cheater, but get real. I hate to generalize, but most men have or will at some point cheat (and women as well).

Think of 10 male friends, 7 or 8 have cheated. What is cheating is it the physical part or is it you have a female relationship your lady doesn’t know about? Bill Clinton, probably one of the best presidents in the USA, well we know what happend there right? Jessie Jackson, MLK, so on and so on …

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
12:23 pm

@PR ~ I have no theory. Men can be pigs, women can be pigs. Don’t know the percentages of who cheats the most or who can go in all willy nilly. I only know it happens.

@kimmie ~ you already know the answer to your own question. :lol:

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:25 pm

Leggs – I know, just curious about the creativity of the possible answer!LOL!!!

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 15th, 2010
12:27 pm

Amred – Do you think you would still try to make your marriage work if your husband gave you an STD or fathered an outside baby?

Um, wow. The same Bible that joined them also allows divorce in the event of adultery…

Melo!!

December 15th, 2010
12:29 pm

Kimmie?!

proly No,I will kick her out. But like most dudes,I expect her to stay if I cheat,even if I give get a lil some some.

The practicalities of this topic are close to what Celisea just posted on 12.30. Sh-yyt in marriage happens and your moms and dads aren’t going public with it. They know better!

But to answer the topic,why excuse someone u are just dating if they cheat?
Defies logic but I understand.

That nib can tap a woman in all the right places. :lol:

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
12:29 pm

@kimmie ~ exactly on the “creativity” part. I’m thinking he’s coming in wearing BMW’s steel toed boots!

Melo!!

December 15th, 2010
12:30 pm

Give her a lil some some

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
12:32 pm

Dagnabit, he already came in! A bit to mellow for me.

Don’t about the rest of you, but I’m dismayed by all the comments saying “I’ll kick her to the curb but, of course, expect her to stay if I did the same thing”…hogwash!

czBrat ... last day HOORAY!

December 15th, 2010
12:35 pm

I have seen people get married check
…have an infidelity issue check
…try for years to work it out check
..only to end up getting divorced anyway. check

i started dating ex at 16, and for four years i just assumed he remained sexually active although we never point-blank talked about it. still, i was truly crushed to learn of his first affair while i was pregnant with our first child. i thought no matter what your behavior before the vows, marriage changes things. apparently for him it didn’t.

if you cheat, EVERYTIME you’re out of my presence, that’s where my mind will go.
and that is incredibly exhausting! :(

Leggs … i’m not dismayed at all. i’m actually cracking up. i luv the sincerity! :lol:

He Still CHEATS

December 15th, 2010
12:37 pm

Was married to a cheater for 21 yrs., divorced him, he wooed me back with promises that he was older & wiser now, not the 20 yr old guy that I met who need to sow his oats, 3 grown kids & 3 grand later, he still cheats. The plan was to re-marry before I found out about the cheating, but I will never ever remarry him. He is a lost cause. There should be a time in everyone’s life when they should decide what is important in life. If you want to cheat and/or play around, tell the person you are involved with so they know not to take you serious & on the dangerous side, it is too many STD’s, some deadly to be cheating. If you are cheating you are spreading only God knows what. It’s not worth your life. Find one person to be happy with & let it be. I don’t need several men, just one good one.

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:37 pm

Melo – You are so right, a whole lotta mess can go down in a marriage! I have friends that said they would never put up with certain things, only to find themselves putting up with that and more! One extremely hypocritical friend comes to mind.

That’s really why I can’t and don’t judge folks’ marriages, especially those that choose to divorce. From the outside looking in, people talk and yack and talk about how they should have worked it out or what they wouldn’t put up with. But you don’t know WHAT goes down with people behind closed doors! And some have a lower tolerance for certain things than others and I don’t fault them for that.

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
12:38 pm

@Kimmie

I’ll say this.

Cheating is at once methodical and impulsive.

Some get riiiight to the point of cheating and stop. For others, that impulse kicks them over the edge.

And how one handles impulses is something to note throughout a relationship, you can never really “sense”, “know”, or “spot” a cheater, until they cheat.

So 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years, if they have it in ‘em to cheat, that lack of control isn’t evident until it’s expressed.

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
12:41 pm

Happy Belated Red

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
12:42 pm

@czB ~ I’m appreciating the sincerity too, but still amazed that men truly think like that. It’s not ok if either party cheats, but men really want to be given a second/third chance but more than likely won’t give his woman a second change. Goes to show you puddy has more value than the mere dingaling!

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:42 pm

Leggs – I’m not dismayed at all – that’s how society has always viewed things. Too many women back in the day “turned the other cheek”. Forgave and stayed, or just stayed. That’s just the way it was. And apparently still is for a lot of folk.

I’m just not surprised. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Brat – Exhausting is a great way to put it. I’ve seen some folk mentally beat down.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:45 pm

Some get riiiight to the point of cheating and stop. For others, that impulse kicks them over the edge.

In both scenarios, you’re still a cheater. When I think in terms of practicing self control I think of not getting into situations of close calls or being overcome with temptation. As the good book asks, “Can a man take fire in his bosom and not be burned?” When I think of discipline and possessing character, you know you better than anyone else….you should know how to keep away. You got that part down, that’s half the batter. Not I’m good cause I didn’t actually to the penetr@ting part.

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:45 pm

Dan – You are right. The only thing you can control is how you react to it once it is expressed. That’s why I said there is no guarantee.

Nice Guy Been Hurt

December 15th, 2010
12:47 pm

To Purple Rain and Blackmagicwoman conerning the double standard: Not because I’m a man whose been cheated on before, I don’t think male or female that there is ANY excuse for cheating or that there should be an expectation for forgiveness whether you’re a man or woman.But what Purple Rain says is true, there is a double standard out there where theres the perception that if a man cheats, he’s just a dog and has no morals at all. But if a woman cheats, the man “made her do it” and/or because he wasn’t “handling his business right.” That is so wrong. As for does it make a person unworthy for marraige if they cheated on you while dating the answer is YES and NO. Yes it would make them unworthy for me to marry them. If I can’t trust them in a relationship, why would I make a lifetime committment involving God, my family, finances, kids, and etc where if the cheating happened during marraige you can’t just so easily walk away with a clean break and move on because of legal, family and financial issues as you would if you are dating. And NO it doesn’t mean once a cheater always a cheater. ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory and as long as a person has learned from the experience of the pain they caused in the dating relationship, then they can move on to their next relationship and be a better person :)

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:47 pm

Dan, that wasn’t “at” you I was just commenting.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:49 pm

It’s so cold in my building that I have my floor heater sitting on my desk

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
12:50 pm

kimmie

December 15th, 2010
12:52 pm

I think a big question is – do men that cheat during courtship & engagement EXPECT to be forgiven?

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
12:52 pm

Celisea

I don’t take anything on here too personal..

But to your point, I know the “hunter” types (that are so popular) and they get off on the thrill mostly. They like to get close to the edge and then pat themselves on the back for not going over.

czBrat ... last day HOORAY!

December 15th, 2010
12:53 pm

Too many women back in the day “turned the other cheek”. Forgave and stayed, or just stayed. That’s just the way it was.
kimmie, believe it or not this is the advice my former mother-in-law gave me when i approached her about our probs. she had known all along that my ex had a child outside our marriage. i don’t judge them for doing what works for their relationship, but that wasn’t going to work for mine.

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
12:54 pm

@Kimmie (12:52)

Yeap.

It’s the whole physical from mental thing.

BlackMagicWoman

December 15th, 2010
1:03 pm

HE STILL CHEATS…..your story is exactly what I mean when I say..once a cheater always a cheater! You wasted all those years on someone who cheated on you. You forgave him (big mistake) and was about to continue the lie! I swear I don’t want to wake up at 40…50…60 and realize that I spent all my youth chasing a dog instead of throwing a stick for him to fetch and then locking the door and never letting him back in again!

BlackMagicWoman

December 15th, 2010
1:03 pm

Oh and by the way..the only other cheek I am turning is my a$$ so the loser can kiss it as I walk out! :lol:

Melo!!

December 15th, 2010
1:07 pm

Cz?

if that kid had been conceived prior to ur coming on board but u didn’t know about it, would you have viewed it the same way and bolted?

@all women!

I think y’all are regarded as the nurturing side. Even the bible says that. In addition, we have always been told,’it’s not a home without a woman’. There us a reason for all that.

I think women are just more cerebral than man when it comes to selection and mating. I have to give it up to u ladies.

So that mantra,’men are physical’ extends even to that cheating part. We, men don’t ‘think’ or rationalize like that…12.52 to ur question there Kimmie. We see a bountiful body we like and just decide to pursue,oblivious to the consequences thereof.

Y’all say u want a man for protection(physical) but quickly forget what that means.

They(men) don’t think when it comes to this issue. We need safeguards.

Each woman must have and internalize her own!

Kelli

December 15th, 2010
1:09 pm

I cheated on a fiance years ago and swear I will never do it again. He never found out, but if he did, it would have broken him. I cheated because I didn’t love him, but didn’t want to break his heart. To this day, I regret ever doing that. I should have broken up with him before I strayed. I was only 20 at the time and I guess I didn’t know better.

My current boyfriend and I have been together almost a year. He has cheated on past girlfriends and I have a fear that he will cheat on me eventually. I love him and I know he loves me, but because of his past, I’m scared. In fact…6 years ago, he cheated on his girlfriend with me (I didn’t know they were still together). He has gone through some life changing experiences that have made him a much better man. I have to try to forgive his past and trust that he won’t cheat on me, but it is really hard. He said that he fears me cheating on him, but I told him that not only do I promise him that I won’t cheat, but I promised myself a long time ago that I would never cheat on anyone ever again. If I feel the need to cheat, then something is wrong in the relationship and I should either try to fix it or leave before straying. I just told him that if he cheats, he’s gone and gets no other chance. I told him also that if he is in a situation and thinks about cheating, then he needs to call me and break it off beforehand because if I find out after the fact, I will kill him.

Rachel's Mom

December 15th, 2010
1:13 pm

Once a cheater, always a cheater…

Mrs. DEE

December 15th, 2010
1:14 pm

Why is this even a question?

SexyCool

December 15th, 2010
1:16 pm

You disregarded my feelings as you went out and did the things that made you feel good.
You jeopoardized my health and my well being.
Then, you had the audacity to assume that I would “get over it.”
Your actions shredded my heart, yet you cavalierly stood there expecting
forgiveness as if it was your God-given right.
My relationship with my creator allows me the ability to forgive
but does not require that I accept such treatment.
You laid waste the foundations of a future that we were supposedly building together.
Your apology was weak and insincere.
I have no regrets for walking away from you.
Your so called love was toxic and rendered useless.
I was not willing to risk my sanity to allow your lame attempts at redemption.
Bidding you farewell was a sound decision,
I am made stronger for having taken a stand.