accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Cheating pre-marriage a deal breaker?

I’ve noticed that a lot men that I have talked to about their exes who cheated on them rarely continue the relationship. It pretty much makes her off limits for anything more than hooking up. One guy even said that if she cheated before he even thought of marriage, she would probably do it again after marriage.

Do you believe that a person is not marriage material if they were unfaithful to you while you were dating? Is fair to hold that against a person who may have changed and learned from their mistakes?

Should cheating in marriage be compared to cheating on someone you are dating?

Wise Diva, Misadventures in Atlanta Blog

358 comments Add your comment

Sweet Pea

December 15th, 2010
8:46 am

Good Morning All!!

2C~ Panama City makes the news…very scary the shooting that occurred at the school board meeting

On Topic:
Do you believe that a person is not marriage material if they were unfaithful to you while you were dating? Personally, not for me as I feel that if you are already cheating while dating then you will do the same once we got married. I would certainly have doubts in my mind you would hit the “replay button”.

Is fair to hold that against a person who may have changed and learned from their mistakes?
No, I don’t think it’s fair to hold it against a person especially if it was in the past as people change. However if it happened while we were dating then it’s a deal breaker.

Should cheating in marriage be compared to cheating on someone you are dating?

Personally I feel that it should be on the same level. However, with marriage there are vows taken and with dating, you are single and not obligated to the other person unless you’ve discussed your level of relationship and both parties agree.

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

December 15th, 2010
8:47 am

G’morning…

“Should cheating in marriage be compared to cheating on someone you are dating?” Did you just ask that? c’mon man! If you cheat while dating you can just go on about your business….you cheat while you’re married, there’s gon’ be consequences, and repercussions!

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

December 15th, 2010
8:49 am

Sweet Pea, yeah, I watched that mess as it unfolded (not in person, of course); the school board building isn’t too far from where I work, so the swat team had the area cordoned off…..

Sweet Pea

December 15th, 2010
8:52 am

@2C~I am glad that you are ok and everyone else that was involved in the madness.

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
9:02 am

gmorn all! =o) if there weren`t any other issues besides cheating that one time while dating, we`re good. ev1 deserves a 2nd chance. not a 3rd or 4th… b4 getting married, i would recommend the couple seek marriage counseling while engaged. that way the cheating can be addressed, why the person cheated, build back up the trust and communication, is both playn their role as helpmeet, etc.

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

December 15th, 2010
9:05 am

Thanks, Sweet Pea…

Hey Beautiful!

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
9:10 am

Pre-marriage cheating is a sign of things to come.

It’s also a sign of some insecurity and immaturity.

Talk of marriage doesn’t come out of nowhere, it’s been discussed in parts and sections. And if those conversations have been had and you still cheat, they ‘eh thatsonyoushawty.

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
9:13 am

relationships take a lot of work… everyday. giving up/walking away/letting go is the easy way out. always try to remember what 1st attracted you to your mate. we all hav faults and we all make mistakes we learn from.

Tspear

December 15th, 2010
9:13 am

I believe people can change. Men sometimes need a little time to see they can actually do the marriage thing and be faithful. Men just can’t take it when cheated on. Like they have been betrayed, as if the same rules don’t apply to them!

Rell - 23 months to retirement

December 15th, 2010
9:15 am

@ABC…i agree with you brother…PERIOD…i lived it and did it

Pre-marriage cheating is a sign of things to come.

It’s also a sign of some insecurity and immaturity

…i was more immaturity then insecure…

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
9:17 am

hi babe! how are you?

did they cheat or are you insecure??? hmmmm…

busybodyk

December 15th, 2010
9:17 am

Yes, I think its a deal-breaker but cheating while dating and cheating while married can cause the same amount of hurt and damage to a relationship. If I had a friend who was married and got cheated on I would feel worse for them because of the vows and social expectation. I would feel just as bad for someone who was cheated on while dating but I would expect them to move on and not want to save the relationship. That person is telling you that they don’t want to be with only you so there’s no point in trying to move forward in the relationship toward marriage.

Rell - 23 months to retirement

December 15th, 2010
9:17 am

Men just can’t take it when cheated on. Like they have been betrayed, as if the same rules don’t apply to them!

-@tspear..this is one man that knows what is good for me is good for her….so yeah i tried to make it work after catching her for the 3948394839843943498343 time…but i know better now

YesSheIsCute

December 15th, 2010
9:19 am

I believe that people can change but under their own terms and in their own time. That said I don’t think I could give someone another chance b/c I feel if you give a man another chance then in the back of his mind he feels that I put up with cheating. Even if he goes through hell and high water to get me back. But then again I dont know men so I dont know. But I don’t think once a cheater always a cheater generally. It depends on the situation….

YesSheIsCute

December 15th, 2010
9:20 am

BTW Good morning everyone! It is too cold in ATL if I knew it was gonna get this cold I would have stayed in NYC! :)

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
9:21 am

being insecure have u seein` things! and reading more into conversations etc.

Derby

December 15th, 2010
9:26 am

IMO, there is no way you can compare cheating while dating( is it really cheating?) to cheating during marriage. If I am just dating you, that means something in me is saying you are the one for that moment …we both have the option of finding the right one period. We get married, that means( to me) that we have decided that we have found the one and and all others are out of the picture.

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
9:31 am

the stages are courting, dating, commitmt, engagemt, then marriage. so i agree kinda Derby. theres two steps missing that are very important.

blue©

December 15th, 2010
9:31 am

Morning Peoples!

Do you believe that a person isnt marriage material if they cheated while you were dating? if they cheated while we were dating, i mustve been waay deep in to have stuck around in the first place. if it was early, im out, no discussiong of marriage or anything else. that being said, feelings that invested i might be willing to consider marriage, but it would be a ways out. i dont really get with the saying once a cheater always a cheater. but best believe thre is only one do-over, and that only comes after you’ve earned he!!a bonus points lol

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
9:32 am

Cheating while dating, that may only be perceived as cheating by one person in the relationship or the relationship has not been defined as exclusively dating each other. Now if they were exclusive and serious, yes cheating while dating is a bad thing. But a lot of times people hook up with one person while they are still dating others and then that grows into something more exclusive and they end up married, never to hook up with anyone else again. Because they know their worth to one another.

BlackMagicWoman

December 15th, 2010
9:39 am

Top of the cold a$$ morning to you!!!

Once a cheat…always a cheat! If you take a person back after they have cheated on you…what’s to stop them from doing it again, love? Oh yeah…right, cause it sure worked the first time didn’t it? Not to mention, they know if you took them back once, you are stuck on stupid in love dumb enough to continue. And so the cycle begins! Why would this person respect a doormat? I’m sorry, but there are a lot of things that can be considered mistakes. But cheating a CHOICE that someone makes. You chose to do wrong! So why should you be forgiven? This isn’t Catholisism…say 10 Hail Marys and all is forgiven. No man….cheating is a deal breaker whether we are in a relationship or marriage! If I took a scumbag cheater back I would always wonder what or shall I say WHOM he is doing when he is not in my presence. And my sanity is worth waaaaay more than a man!

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
9:47 am

You are either single or married, that was the consensus on this very blog a few months ago. It was majority women who were making that point and driving it home.

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
9:50 am

Good morning.

Do you believe that a person isnt marriage material if they cheated while you were dating? He may be marriage material for someone, but not for me.

I agree, cheating while dating can cause the same hurt if married, but the consequences are much more severe if you’re married.

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
9:50 am

Hey, Beautiful…how you doing?

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
9:53 am

Cheating on someone who you’ve thought/talked about marriage with is one thing (1).

Cheating on someone that you’re just dating (2), then meh.

In case one, there is no coming back. Even if that person takes you back, that hurt and suspicion is still out there.

In case two, there was no committment (if stated) and if there genuine remorse and willingness to move forward – there is a chance.

Genuine remorse being the key.

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 15th, 2010
9:56 am

Good morning peoples on this cool but beautiful and refreshing morning.

@topic: Uh, yeah. I’ve never (knowingly) stayed with a cheater. That’s a deal breaker period, because you are a certified liar in my book and I cannot look at you any other way. :|

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

December 15th, 2010
9:57 am

I ain’t gon lie, if ya cheat on me, it’s a blow to the ego…it’s been said that men are territorial creatures – I can attest to this!

yeah Beautiful, that heifer cheated….and got the boot as a result…now here it is, damn near 10 years later and she’s still regretting it!

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 15th, 2010
9:58 am

Cheating on someone that you’re just dating (2), then meh..

:?: if you were just “dating” and the relationship merely registers a “meh” on your scale of concern, then why wasn’t this level of expetancy established up front. :?:

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:03 am

When is the double standard going to come up?

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
10:09 am

@Delight – it should be.

But in the realm of the possible, the practicle, and the actual expectations usually aren’t stated clearly, for both parties concurrence.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
10:14 am

No, I do not think you’re marriage material if you cheat prior to marriage. Okay so you’re not married and you cheat…..not being married won’t negate the fact that you lack character and discipline. Once you cross a certain line of maturity on over into being and becoming an adult, you just need to grow the heck up and pick one. And if you fall back on the technicality of “not married yet” then let’s just say you have the trait. You posses the trait? Then let’s call it what it is.

Everybody get’s a fresh start with me…not to concerned about your history however if you cheat or display you lack of character and the ability to be forthcoming and true, I’m done. No do overs. If you change, that’s great. I just can’t do it though.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
10:16 am

….and usually a fresh start with me won’t make me blind or silly to all the possibilities. You might be, you might not. If you’re changing or have change no worries. If you’re the same cheater but with a new person and that trait is there….it will have the same tragic ending.

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:18 am

What if both people cheated on each other then decided to get married? LOL

Leggs

December 15th, 2010
10:20 am

@PR ~ I think 2C’s 9:57 post said it all. It’s a blow to their ego when it’s done to them, unfortunately, that same vein of thought isn’t taking into account when they do the cheating!!

BlackMagicWoman

December 15th, 2010
10:20 am

Double Standard…

It’s funny how men expect a woman to forgive him going a stray. But let a woman cheat! The world has stopped turning and there is just a cold day in hell because she messed around on him! The nerve! :shock: It’s ok if “I” the man does it. Because I am just being a man. But you….you are supposed to put up with my crap and just be happy you have a man! Whoo hoo! GTFH! :lol:

Sweet Pea

December 15th, 2010
10:25 am

@PC~Wow…sounds like an “open marriage”>>>do whateva ya like<<<
hmmmmmmmm maybe the perk would be a tax break

Sweet Pea

December 15th, 2010
10:26 am

Happy Belated Birthday Leggs!!! I hope you enjoyed your day :)

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:26 am

Actually the double standard I was thinking of is when a man cheat he is wrong but when a woman cheats she is expected to be forgiven because the man did something to “make her” cheat. LOL If I cheated on a woman and she cheated on me, I cant get mad at her because I did the same thing. There are no virgins out there in my age group so everyone has a closet it’s only if that door has been opened or not.

Leggs, that is not true for all men. If I cheat on a woman I really don’t care if she has other extracurricular activities. Now if i put my heart into her and she cheated of course I would be hurt, just as a woman would be hurt if she put her all into a man and he cheated. SO it’s the same thing

Dan - Simply...Superior

December 15th, 2010
10:32 am

@PR

That whole “made her” do anything is that bull….

Beautiful

December 15th, 2010
10:32 am

hey Leggs! happy bday to you and ARed!!!

am i the only person on here marrying for other than love? if dude has no other issues but jus cheating that one time… if he is willing to be my Alpha, protect me, provide for our family, be a good husband friend father… like i said we`re good.

DreamsMaterialize

December 15th, 2010
10:33 am

Hmmmmm, so no one ever took back a cheater, or cheated and then got taken back?

blue©

December 15th, 2010
10:39 am

ime the ones who cheat just to cheat, just cause they could are usually men, the ones who cheated cause of some unhappiness on the homefront were more often women – cause lets face it, women are more emotional and men are more physical. but does that mean it cant go both ways – imo no. women are just as capable of cheating with a perfect home waiting for them.
but as far as reactions, im thinking BMW is right on. seen men who’ve been cheated on quick to kick her to the curb, but let him cheat and they expect 2nd and 3rd chances… just like the article someone (sorry cant remember who) posted on here a while back – dude cheated from day 1 probably hundreds of times, and he expected she’d be ok with it, but admtted if she were to cheat even once he’d bounce her out the door! WTF?

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:43 am

Dan, I agree.

Dreams, nope not cheaters on this blog. LOL, everyone is single because they have been cheated on or some other reason. :)

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 15th, 2010
10:46 am

am i the only person on here marrying for other than love?

Beautiful, that is the beauty (no pun) of marriage in that it is betweenn those two people. Whatever you two deem as workable is up to you.

For moi, a cheater is liar, which is a detrimental character flaw. You don’t get to offset this kind of behavior by being a good provider and protector, those come with the terriroty of being a good husband and a friend. A friend, who by the way would not look me in my eye and straight lie to me.

Celisea

December 15th, 2010
10:46 am

dude cheated from day 1 probably hundreds of times, and he expected she’d be ok with it, but admtted if she were to cheat even once he’d bounce her out the door! WTF?

Usually how it spins. I always say it’s that severe because they know the severity in which they’re doing their dirt and to have to imagine some other dude doing to your woman what you know you’re out there doing to other women is brutal.

SexyCool

December 15th, 2010
10:47 am

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:48 am

Let’s her some stories of women cheating. Any of you ladies ever cheated? LOL

TenderRoni

December 15th, 2010
10:48 am

I don’t know about when dating if thats necessarily cheating…even though I’m more prone to date one guy at a time. So if I found out he was sleeping with someone else, I probably wouldn’t see him the same way.

If in a commited relationship, and he cheats, it would be a deal breaker. To me it shows lack of committment, your not a man of your word, and disregard for me. If you can do then, you can do it in marriage. And to have that possiblity of you cheating in my head before marrigage…i couldnt go into marriage like that.

Purple Rain

December 15th, 2010
10:50 am

Delight23 ...Heading South for X-Mas

December 15th, 2010
10:51 am

Hmmmmm, so no one ever took back a cheater, or cheated and then got taken back?

Not here. I have only knowingly been cheated on by two men, from which I got ghost. I can laugh now, but then I was so pissed, more than hurt because I am always up front about my morals, ethics and expectations. These fools did not believe me.

Also, I’ve never cheated on any one I have ever dated. I live the walk as strongly as I preach the talk. Guess I’m an old soul who’s been “grown” from jump. No need to lie, steal or cheat in my house.