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Should you marry your best friend?

I met a really wonderful woman on my business trip this week. She had been married for 20 years and said that her husband was just diagnosed with cancer. It was obviously a great source of pain for her but when she talked about possibly losing her best friend, I nearly started to cry!

She said that the best part of their marriage was the fact that they are so close. They have been best friends and she believes the dynamics of their marriage was strengthened by this. Well, it made me think that marrying your best friend makes a lot of sense.

My best friend is a woman and is already married with kids. I already asked if she wanted to marry me but she won’t budge. However, I can picture falling in love with a man and we become best friends, though. I’m curious about how this all works in a marriage. For instance, if I want to vent to my best friend how my man is driving me nuts and I want to plot his demise. It could get awkward!

Seriously, though what happens when your significant other is your best friend? Would it work out better for the relationship? Can the friend dynamic of a dating relationship ever backfire in some way?

359 comments Add your comment

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 10th, 2010
8:12 am

g’morning…

This has been my mantra forever….lotta y’all don’t subscribe to this notion, but, to me, this only makes too much sense….

But….you said, “However, I can picture falling in love with a man and we become best friends,”…ain’t that backwards….don’t you wanna be friends first, then fall in love…

SlimNumeroUno

November 10th, 2010
8:18 am

There are some strange things that seem to happen after 5 up in this camp. I think i’ll start blogging with gloves on from this point forward…

2C – Hi honey…

Sweet Pea

November 10th, 2010
8:26 am

Good Morning! ain’t that backwards….don’t you wanna be friends first, then fall in love… I cosign 2CPTG…I would want to develop a friendship first before anything else anyway

What happens when your significant other is your best friend? He/She knows whatcha you like and don’t like, know your inner feelings, etc.

Would it work out better for the relationship? I feel that it could, however I don’t have a best friend yet but positioning myself for one! LOL.

Can the friend dynamic of a dating relationship ever backfire in some way?
It possibly could, however anything in life can backfire so if it’s worth taking the risk!

Realistic

November 10th, 2010
8:27 am

It’s OK to become best friends, but to go from friends to lovers is risky in my opinion. Do you really want to risk losing a friend?

I’ve dated friends and we broke up because…we were just friends. Imagine that.

I hear people talk about being friends first and it makes no sense to me. If you go out looking for a friend…you end up with a friend. You get what you ask for. Duh! If you go out looking for a Toyota, you’re not going to come home with a BMW. If you want someone to date, approach it that way. That’s why friends are friends and lovers are lovers. They’re two different things and have to be treated as such.

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 10th, 2010
8:34 am

morning, Slim, Sweetie…how are you this morning….and yeah, things get crazy ’round here when Diva leaves….

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 10th, 2010
8:39 am

Realistic….I’mma play Devil’s Advocate this morning….

If that person is truly a friend, why would your friendship end because the relationship didn’t work?

I am whatever you say I am

November 10th, 2010
8:42 am

“….If that person is truly a friend, why would your friendship end because the relationship didn’t work?…..”"

I concur! Besides , wouldn’t you rather marry your best friend (provided they are of the opposite sex-but I won’t judge) as oppossed to someone whom was a mear aquaintence or worse and enemy?

JenA

November 10th, 2010
8:55 am

I can speak from experience…I am currently separated from what used to be my best friend. In about a week we would’ve been married 6 years. He was my everything. I used to think that marrying my best friend was the most wonderful thing…he knew everything about me already, so anything that could’ve bothered him, he already knew. Because we were so close, and so alike, we butted heads a lot. I can’t say it was all bad, however, I think that no matter what your partner should be your best friend. You should trust them with everything, and have no doubts about them. And give them your 100%, because that is what they (and you) deserve. Even friends grow apart…

Realistic

November 10th, 2010
8:56 am

2CPTG – It’s a risk to lose a friend, not an absolute. Do you think friendships can remain unchanged after you’ve probably had sex and/or shared your innermost thoughts and feelings? The dynamic is forever changed once you date whether it’s for better or worse.

If two friends begin to date there are obviously some feelings beyond friendship. And if those two people date and break up, there’s obviously something wrong. Those initial feelings that lead them to date don’t just vanish so there may be issues with that – the friendship may not end – but you’re definitely riskng it when you start messing around with emotion.

Realistic

November 10th, 2010
8:57 am

I am whatever you say I am – why would you marry and acquaintance or an enemy?

Sweet Pea

November 10th, 2010
9:00 am

@2C…..It’s Wednesday so the week is almost over!!! I concur as well with your 8:39 post…You have to develop a friendship before anything else one would think.

IMO I clearly don’t understand how friends and lovers can’t be one of the same!

Jaye Atlanta

November 10th, 2010
9:02 am

Ah yes… Who else knows you better? Your best friend knows what you like, when to leave you alone, etc. Adding a relationship to the mix can only make it stronger unless the reltationship gets in the way and becomes the priority over the friendship. Personally I think this is an optimal situation only if you are looking for something long term and not experimenting.
If the relationship part doesn’t work, I would think you should and could still be friends, unless one of you can’t handle that…Trey Songz anyone?

Realistic

November 10th, 2010
9:04 am

My turn to play devil’s advocate – isn’t your best friend the person you turn to when you need to talk to or confide in about your spouse?

It’s just my opinion, but I think you have friends and then you have a lover/spouse. That’s why there are two different words and meanings. You don’t sleep with, marry or have kids with your friends. You do that with your lover/spouse. Sure you do stuff that you do with your friends but the bottom line is that you have friends and you have a spouse.

Delight23

November 10th, 2010
9:08 am

Bom dia peoples!! Is this morning’s topic a trick question :?:

Sweet Pea

November 10th, 2010
9:08 am

@Jaye Atlanta…….EXACTLY!! Now I must close the curtains for now and get back to someone else’s bizness! Have fun everyone

Leggs….Hello, whenever you appear today!! I’m glad someone else had the same thought about As Soon As I Get Home from yesterday’s topic!

Raqi V

November 10th, 2010
9:10 am

I am yet still amazed at how people place a friend in higher regards than their spouse. Why not take that energy you put into maintaining a friendship with an outsider and put into being that friend to your spouse.

Not marrying a person because you are afraid of losing their friendship? That is just crazy. Should not you mate/spouse be your best friend.

I have some truly wonderful female friends in my life however they are second to my best friend which is my spouse. I do for him when and what I don’t do for them. And they do for their spouse when and what they don’t do for me.

Even if my hub and I were not as close of friends before we got married as we were I would hope that over the years we would have grown to be the best of friends that we are now.

Your spouse is the only place in the Bible (other than for Christ) that says a man and woman is to forsake all others.

DK

November 10th, 2010
9:11 am

I married my best friend and it works out great! I was worried about losing the friendship if we didn’t work out but once I realized how strong our friendship was I knew that we would be okay. When I need to vent, I vent to him. I was doing that anyway in my other relationships–calling and venting to him about my boyfriends…so he was used to it. He knew what I would and wouldn’t tolerate, my likes and dislikes and what it would take to keep me happy.
Of course, you have to have some type of physical attraction to this person. Just because you guys are friends doesn’t mean it will work. I found my friend attractive and sexy but respected him as a friend. Once he made his intentions known, we let things evolve and within six months of dating we were engaged. We have been together a total of two years and 3 months and I don’t regret marrying my best friend!

blue®

November 10th, 2010
9:11 am

Morning All,

cosignning with 2C, shouldnt yall be friends first b4 we start talking relationship of any sort? and i think its possible to have a best male friend, best female friend. or best friend and several closest friends……marry the bestest, and then you still have whoever is top tier friend out of whose left, lol

blue®

November 10th, 2010
9:11 am

yawwwnnnn…who brought the coffee…these late nights are killing me….but today is my Friday!! woohoo!!

I am whatever you say I am

November 10th, 2010
9:12 am

realistic: I’m not saying that I would marry and aquaintenance or enemy..
I don’t get how someone would invest time and energy searching for their soulmate but will turn up their nose at the idea of marrying their best friend because they don’t want the friendship to end.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 10th, 2010
9:12 am

Morning All!!

Well my best friend is a guy and though we are thick as thieves Ive never entertained the thought of dating him. Its something about how we click that I enjoy so much as a friend. I wouldnt want to risk that over trying a relationship. Plus Ive never been attracted to him so…..

Okay since I came flying into work, let me get settled and I’ll BRB

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 10th, 2010
9:13 am

Oh and I dont think my friendship with him would end if it didnt work but it would be different.

Raqi V

November 10th, 2010
9:15 am

I agree being best friends provides strength to a marriage. If I can’t turn to my husband for anything and everything then we aren’t truly together as husband and wife.

I don’t doubt that there are thousands of couples that started out as friends just to become a couple and it didn’t work out. That’s just called life. But I know too that there a many more that it has worked for.

I remember my dad saying he lost his best friend when my mother died.

And WiseDiva, having your trusted girl friend to vent to is actually healthy. Sometimes it’s better to get another perspective as long as that person can be fully trusted. That true friend will not fail to tell you that you are the one wrong when you are. And guys don’t even want to hear some of the stuff we woman talk about so you need that female friend. However I feel that your spouse should always be the closest person to you.

Just my opinion and how I live my life. Yall do you. And that’s all I have to say about that.

My 3 girlfriends and I are actually going to lunch together today and to visit an old friend of ours that is in the hospital dying of cancer. She left our circle long time ago but we still consider a friend.

Kym

November 10th, 2010
9:16 am

Good Morning All,

This is a really tough question..
I would like to not so much marry my best friend..(lord I said marry..stop rewind)..I would like to fall in love and develop a relationship with a gentleman, who after time I would hope would become my best friend. I posted early this week on FB that —A friend is somene who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.” I think in a relationship that is developing to something more serious it takes time to get to the point where your mate is willing to do these things.

123

November 10th, 2010
9:19 am

Don’t focus on finding the right person; focus on being the right person. Then, the love you find will be your best friend.

Leggs ™

November 10th, 2010
9:21 am

Good morning.

I think marrying your best friend is a crucial part to the marriage. However, just like WD stated, if you plans to hurt your bf that week, vent over it another friend. Just because your hubby is your bf doesn’t mean you share everything with him.

@SweetPea ~ when I left work, that song was on the radio as soon as I crunked the engine!

Raqi V

November 10th, 2010
9:22 am

He/She knows whatcha you like and don’t like, know your inner feelings, etc.

SweetPea, I agree with this. Your best friend is that person that can sense your off days without you saying a word. That person that provides solace and support. If you aren’t getting that at home then you aren’t living 100 in your own house.

Yet that doesn’t mean that we cannot of our “sistahs’ or “potnahs” that we kick it with to get a break and vent a little. Those special people in our lives sometimes offer advice and opinions that help in matters we sometimes find trying. They have their experiences and we have our, sometimes it’s good to share to help work things out.

Delight23

November 10th, 2010
9:24 am

Raqi V: “I am yet still amazed at how people place a friend in higher regards than their spouse…”

EXACTLY :!: Guess I’m gonna lurk today.

Alabama Southern Belle

November 10th, 2010
9:30 am

This topic reminds me of Prince’s song “If I was your girlfriend”.

If I was your girlfriend
Would u remember 2 tell me all the things u forgot
When I was your man?
Hey, when I was your man
If I was your best friend
Would u let me take care of u and do all the things
That only a best friend can
Only best friends can

If I was your girlfriend
Would u let me dress u
I mean, help u pick out your clothes
Before we go out
Not that you’re helpless
But sometimes, sometimes
Those are the things that bein in loves about
If I was your one and only friend
Would u run 2 me if somebody hurt u
Even if that somebody was me?
Sometimes I trip on how happy we could be

blue®

November 10th, 2010
9:30 am

@i am – invest time and energy searching for their soulmate but will turn up their nose at the idea of marrying their best friend because they don’t want the friendship to end – i am soooo with you here. i think in some cases that soulmate is staring you in the face and you miss it cause of the dreaded “friend zone”. mr.blue and i started friends, and took the chance to become more. sometimes just gotta step outside the box….
@Delight@Raqi – yeah i dont get that one either…their friends, thats it. and there had to be some reason you chose not to marry them and your marry your spouse instead…move on

Raqi V

November 10th, 2010
9:34 am

With my husband I share a life, a house, a bed, money, my body, and my secret thoughts why would he not be my best friend. There is no other person in this world that I give that much to.

Not even my friend Doc sitting across from me right now. I am sharing a cup of tea with her though. LOL

Kym

November 10th, 2010
9:36 am

@blue..if my soulmate is the short dude that stops by my cubbie everyday…can I return him and request a taller replacement?

Raqi V

November 10th, 2010
9:36 am

I asked her who is her best friend, she said the only one she dare to swap morning breath kisses with on any given morning. LOL

Alabama Southern Belle

November 10th, 2010
9:37 am

My story…maybe you can help me out…

I am in a relationship with someone I thought was my best friend. I supported him in every way, helped him with his children.

After learning I was expecting, his attitude changed. He planned to ask me to marry him but changed his
mind after finding out I was pregnant stating it would devastate his children.

So much for dating a friend…

blue®

November 10th, 2010
9:41 am

@Kym – ohhh, yeah please see supply and requeat form 38g.4 – Replacement Due To Height….

Kym

November 10th, 2010
9:41 am

@Southern Belle..how would your pregancy devastate his children? I mean unless he is an older gentleman and doesn’t want to be a new daddy at his age..

Mike P

November 10th, 2010
9:42 am

At this point in my life… i have came to believe that marrying your best friend would be a very bad idea. If you should ever break-up, you’d be losing two people, a best friend and a mate. leaving you completely devastated. You will need a best friend to turn to after the break-up, but if your best friend is your ex… then you’d be screwed. And you can forget about focusing on your favorite activity or hobby to get your mind clear because usually in cases like this, your ex will have the same/similar interests further reminding you of your ex(spouse and best friend).

Leggs ™

November 10th, 2010
9:47 am

{{@MO ~ went to Ultimate last night. Nice sportsbar!! $1 drinks on Mondays and $2 drinks on Tuesday with .25 wings. .35 wings on Wednesdays. Live Jazz on Thursdays. 2 drinks between the two of us and 12 wings with a tab of $12.55. Can’t beat that for a pit stop after work. Children have to be out by 9:00. Also, you can’t take your wings to go if you don’t finish them LOL}}

AmazonRed™

November 10th, 2010
9:49 am

I love the notion of marrying your best friend. I just don’t know how you do it as an adult.

I mean, my platonic male friends are just that, platonic. The ones I’d consider my best friends have already gotten married to someone else.

So nowadays, you go out and meet people. There are the ones you meet that you are attracted to, so you don’t want to just be friends. Then there are the ones you aren’t attracted to, that you can’t date cuz…you aren’t attracted to them. :lol:

Morning all.

DJ Sniper

November 10th, 2010
9:51 am

I’ve never understood the whole “friends before lovers” deal myself. When a man is interested in a woman, he’s interested in her in a romantic type of deal. He doesn’t want to be her “friend”, per se. That’s not to say that the two of them shouldn’t take their time to let things develop, but approaching things from a friends aspect, IMHO, is not the way to go. Trust me, I made that mistake in college more than once. Had to learn the hard way.

Dan - simply...Superior

November 10th, 2010
9:53 am

Aaaannnd this:

“With my husband I share a life, a house, a bed, money, my body, and my secret thoughts why would he not be my best friend. There is no other person in this world that I give that much to.”

Chris

November 10th, 2010
9:53 am

As a man I say it’s a rediculous notion to marry your best friend. My parents and aunts/uncles weren’t best friends and they’ve been married 35 years plus. When you marry someone you have 40 Years or more to learn about them and grown with them. Too many women worry about things upfront and miss out on the journey. We’re gonna become friends while dating and grow closer over the years. My parents and uncles and aunts have

I’ve asked a couple women married now and they said they were friends with their husbands first. I asked their husbands the same question and they said the never were. The men knew what they were showing up for and it wasn’t “friends”

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

November 10th, 2010
9:54 am

Seems like, by definition, your spouse should be your best friend, in that your spouse is your closest confidant, the person who knows you better than anyone else, the first person with whom you share good news, bad news, hopes, fears, etc.

And on this whole “need to vent about my spouse” thing… The only person you should be “venting” to is your spouse. Nothing will kill a relationship faster than taking your private issues with your spouse to outside sources — whether for venting or advice or whatever. Apart from the obvious issue of breaking the trust between you and your spouse, your friends are not relationship therapists, and they are only getting your side of the story. No good will ever come of that…

abc

November 10th, 2010
9:55 am

If your spouse isn’t your best friend, you have a big big problem.

Mo (aka Moeisha)

November 10th, 2010
9:57 am

Leggs – thanks for that update chica! Im supposed to be hitting the Ultimate tomorrow evening, if I get off work in time so we’ll see

NoNonsense

November 10th, 2010
10:01 am

I didn’t marry my best friend but forming a solid friendship over the last 16 years with my husband is what has kept us together after having both our careers ruined by this failing economy.

With him being a carpenter and me being a realestate agent we have suffered the lost of a lot.

We are the ones that have been here for each other when our friends weren’t feeling the pain that we have suffered.

Leggs ™

November 10th, 2010
10:01 am

@ASBelle ~ that’s sad and selfish. Did you two not discuss having children and how he felt about having more? How old are his other childen?

@MikeP ~ I have learned if something like that you occur, then you find yourself a “transitional” friend to help you adjust! :wink:

25 wonderful years

November 10th, 2010
10:04 am

You shouldn’t marry anyone else. About to celebrate 25 wonderful years while everyone who attended our wedding is divorced and working on marriage numbers 2 and even 3.

AmazonRed™

November 10th, 2010
10:09 am

I don’t think my parents are best friends. They are more like teammates. Different personalities, but they come together for the common goal of winning the championship. :lol:

33 years and counting though… more than one way to skin a cat. :lol:

kimmie

November 10th, 2010
10:11 am

Morning Mates!

I love what Raqita said and I’m inclined to agree with DJ too. When you meet someone and see them on a romantic level that reaches marriage, I envision a level of friendship that exists within the relationship. I think it’s when you actually LIKE the person you are in love with.

As for being friends before lovers, I picture that as being a situation where you were platonic friends first and then decided to take it to another level. You developed romantic feelings for this friend. If it works out it is the best thing in the world. If it does not, it can change the dynamics of the friendship. Things probably won’t be as easygoing as they once were, but hey you take a chance sometimes.

But I’m confused as to how you would meet up with a person with the intentions to date them on a romantic level but just keep it as friends and THEN take it to the romantic level??? I’m confused, 2Can.