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I’m not happy and you will know it

My friend Panama Jackson recently wrote about a common problem that men experience with women: entitlement issues. Apparently women can get a little carried away with expecting men to make it their life’s mission to make/keep us happy.

Ok, so I would love to argue that women don’t have entitlement issues but there is some truth to it! This is not to say that men don’t have their own, though. Nothing is more annoying then dealing with a guy who wants more than he is willing to give, but I digress.

I just believe that women want to (and are expected) to give, sacrifice, and nurture their men so much. When we don’t feel our partner actively showing appreciation, expressing concern about when we are sad/upset, then it becomes a problem. A big one.

So perhaps both men and women should get a reality check in expectations!

Panama said that women who think “a man’s happiness hinges upon his ability to keep his woman happy” is where that whole women have entitlement issue plays out. What do you think?

Do you think women expect men to make them happy? Is it unrealistic to expect the person you are in a relationship with to put your happiness as a priority?

526 comments Add your comment

Wise Diva

November 3rd, 2010
8:22 am

Good morning everyone! I hope everyone has a wonderful day in spite of the rain

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
8:23 am

YES Wisey I almost fell asleep had to let the window down so the water could wake me up on my way here!

Mary Mary

November 3rd, 2010
8:26 am

From one who has been married 26 years (25 of them happy!) the four most important words in a marriage are “whatever you say, darling”, and both spouses should use them frequently.

SlimNumeroUno

November 3rd, 2010
8:29 am

Happy Wet Wednesday! (walking in whipping my hair back & forth)…

This ought to be interesting…too bad I won’t be at my desk for most of the day :-( Check in a bit later but before I go…

A person should be a happy entity within themselves but at the same time, with regards to a relationship, I would want and need the person i’m with to be concerned about me if I were down, sad, upset etc. Why be wtih a person who didn’t give a rats arse if you were crying your tear ducts dry or that you may need a little extra TLC on a particular day. Being in a relationship is mainly about companionship, love, caring and sharing. So if none of those things are demonstrated during the course of it, it really is pointless. As I tell anyone I care about—> JLM (just love me)

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
8:31 am

lol @ Mary Mary. I’m not married but I’m inclined to agree with you except for when you are asking them what they want. I hate when they do that whatever you want to cook, wherever you want to go eat, whatever movie you want to watch. I’m asking you what you want for a reason….other than that I believe those words should be used within a relationship. HEAVILY.

Preston

November 3rd, 2010
8:38 am

The problem with making someone happy, woman or man, is that it’s a lifetime job. You can’t just do it for a few minutes or a day. And ultimately it’s up to each of us to figure out how much happiness we want and how to hold on to it.

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
8:44 am

@ Slim I agree with you. I think the problem is that men are lazy and women bear the brunt of the responsibility for setting the tone in the relationship and making it work. You don’t know how many times the relationship question comes up in different venues or forums and men are always placing the blame on women because we don’t set the tone or we put ourselves out in such a way we do this we don’t do that etc etc. Why do women always have to be the ones reading self help books on how to be better in a relations, taking strip dance lessons to be sexier. When will men start reading books on how they can get up off their lazy butt and make an effort in a relationship…oh I know WHEN THEY START CARING….:S

Simple Man!!!!

November 3rd, 2010
8:48 am

Morning folks….. Everyone should be responsible for their own happiness….Now there are things that each of us can do to add to what our partners are, but I do not think its really possible to “make” another person happy….

blue®

November 3rd, 2010
8:49 am

Morning peoples,
this has been the majority of my expereince, men who expect you to be superwoman, and be prepared for whatever they throw at you, but when it comes down to what you need from them, it becomes a matter of having to pull teeth. if that simple principle of “treat others how you want to be treated” were applied, imo, this would not be an issue. entitlement? – yes i feel entitled, to be treated as well as i treat you, whats so wrong with that?

@Yes – i am sooo with you on the “whatever you want” thing. i asked you for a reason, to get your input so that you get some of what you want out of this scenario, so it aint all about me. but dont abdicate the decision with a “whatever you want” answer, and then later scream at me about how we always do what i want, eat what i want, go where i want… :roll:

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 3rd, 2010
8:50 am

g’morning….

Do you think women expect men to make them happy? —- yep…..

Is it unrealistic to expect the person you are in a relationship with to put your happiness as a priority?—– the overall health of the relationship should take priority; not just you….or me, for that matter.

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 3rd, 2010
9:03 am

Cutie…that whole rant you just spilt, is some BS….that’s that dude you messin with! If you gotta jump thru all them hoops just to be happy, or stay in a relationship, then you get what you deserve.

Celisea

November 3rd, 2010
9:06 am

Holistically, happiness within resonates and transcend over into the relationship. I don’t think it’s my “job” to make you happy nor is it your “job” for me to expect the same. However, I think in keeping with the concept of doing what’s right for the relationship the trinkle down effect will ultimately become happy state. Making a relationship (not a person) happy means sometimes placing your interest ahead of mine as long as I’m not neglected and vice versa. Not in the sense of self sacrifice but more so of compromise. That’s just what I believe though.

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
9:10 am

@ 2CPTG its not bs when is a relationship book for men ever going to be new york best seller? I don’t jump through hoops to make my boyfriend happy. Luckily he’s very laid back and doesn’t require much to be happy. So I’m not talking about the boyfriend I’m with I’m talking about experience and what I see a lot of women doing. Have you seen strip tease dance classes for me? A best selling book called How to be sexy for your woman? How to get a girlfriend? How to get that wife you are looking for? Let me know when you see that b/c I don’t think what I’m saying is BS….

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
9:11 am

*strip tease dance classes for men?

blue®

November 3rd, 2010
9:30 am

this rain is making me sleepy…yawwwnnnn……

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 3rd, 2010
9:31 am

“when is a relationship book for men ever going to be new york best seller?”

NEVER….the reason I say it’s BS, is because y’all buy into that mess….somebody knows they can put a clever title on a book, and some woman, or women, is going to buy it….look at that garbage Steve Harvey put out….nuttin but pure common sense, yet, he put it in a book, and it’s a hit! We (men) don’t need a book to tell us how to be happy….apparently, y’all do….if a man ain’t making you happy, then move on…do you need an instruction manual for that?

abc

November 3rd, 2010
9:31 am

‘How To Get A Man’ books are ridiculous. There aren’t many ‘How To Get A Woman’ books out because men wouldn’t buy them.

Most men don’t really expect all that much from a woman as far as criteria of what he thinks makes him happy. Men realize that what a woman thinks will make her happy probably isn’t what really would make her happy.

Feeling entitled to reciprocation is a really good indication that you don’t really care about them all that much. Love is about caring and doing for the other person without such expectation. If they don’t come through, or if they expect more out of you than you’re willing to give, or more than you’re motivated to give of your own accord, then I think that’s self-descriptive of the relationship.

mwill

November 3rd, 2010
9:32 am

I’ve been married 27 years now to the same woman. I don’t expect my wife to make me happy. I do care about her happiness though as every partner should. So when making decisions, in what I do, in what I say, in the way I say it, how it is going to impact her is always the first question I ask myself.

As far as self-help books for men if someone wrote one about how to be sexier for your partner men would read it – men will read anything about sex!

Simple Man!!!!

November 3rd, 2010
9:32 am

Wake up blue!!!! :)

Kym

November 3rd, 2010
9:34 am

Good Morning All,

To take a portion from what Slim said about being happy within. I think society does key in on the whole if mama is not happy no one is happy thang..but in reality everything is about how to find a common happy place and dwell there as one in the relationship. That means picking and choosing your battles and not place unreasonable expectations on your partner.

Okay I am really really sleep..I was up late watching election results..I need a Coca-Cola IV..stat!

I am whatever you say I am

November 3rd, 2010
9:39 am

I’m real simple when it comes to making me happy in a serious committed relationship:

Spend time with me (do things together, go out on dates with each other often)
Don’t constantly fight with me
Give me sex often
and now that I am a mother:
respect my son
respect the fact that my son’s father is active in my son’s life

blue®

November 3rd, 2010
9:48 am

@2C – i’ll agree, women are more prone to buy into the self help stuff. partly because women are prone to insecurities, and ime, women are more willing to compromise in the interest of a relationship, men are more “this is me, deal with it or dont, if you dont like it – leave” compromise goes out the window…

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
10:05 am

@ blue and @2can I guess I can see your point of view but I’ve been to different so called “singles” meetings and this is what I hear out of the horses mouth. The reason women don’t have relationships is because they are not x, they do y, they should try doing z more etc etc etc. The reason women’s relationships don’t last is because a, and c and too much of b not enough d. Again, I don’t think its BS I think women should put on that “i don’t care” badge just as men do. I just hate seeing and hearing how women this women that like it’s only our fault as far as the relationship goes. There has to be balance in the world so of course ourside can’t be solely responsible for maintaining balance.

Smokey Grey

November 3rd, 2010
10:07 am

work on making each other happy. if there’s something that he/she wants or needs in the relationship work on providing that. give a lot but expect an equal amt in return!!! Find a partner like that, and you’d better hang on to them.

Raqi V

November 3rd, 2010
10:08 am

Happiness is a state of mind and it’s up to each individual to be happy or not.

However, IMO when in a relationship doing things that please and/or satisfy your mate does matter. Really that is what makes us go the mile and that little extra when we aren’t really feeling it.

We all have a selfish streak but really how happy would a relationship be if the two individuals were not concerned for the other’s happiness. If it was only about doing or deeding when you both will equally benefit you may as well have FWB arrangement. It’s those types of arrangements that the outlying happiness of the other doesn’t matter.

There are some cold and callous people that will not even comprehend what I just expressed but those are the types that should not be in relationships anyone. And in my mind and world those types don’t matter.

And let me ask you all this. What the heck does “making someone happy” mean? I know that it means to and for me, but in the individual sense of things what does it mean to you all? “Making someone happy” is not at all a bad connotation yet it can be a controlling evil.

M. (pronouced M dot)

November 3rd, 2010
10:11 am

Good day.

This is interesting because everyone has some things that they need and feel entitled to. My only issue is with this statement:

“I just believe that women want to (and are expected) to give, sacrifice, and nurture their men”

I think guys want affection in their relationships but I dont think nutured is really the right word. Kids are nutured not men.

“Do you think women expect men to make them happy? Is it unrealistic to expect the person you are in a relationship with to put your happiness as a priority? ”

I think some women do expect men to make them happy and be the source of their fulfillment. That is totally wrong. I think some women look for too much of their father in the men that they date when they should be looking for a man that is a reflection of their father.

I dated a woman who would always throw her father in the mix….”My father said never to do this for a man, Do that for a man….After a while I was thinking well why dont you just date your father?

It is unrealistic to expect the person you are in a relationship with to put your happiness as a prioritiy. They can contribute to your happiness but expecting them to drop everything is a bit drastic.

Delight23

November 3rd, 2010
10:16 am

Bom dia. como voce esta peoples??!! Yeah IM(humble)O happiness is def from within. Choosing the right partner from the onset and being honest about who you are from jump, none of this representative BS, alleviates a lot of the heache.

I stated upon my entry into to the neighborhood I have been accused, and plead guilty to cuttin’ folk real quick-like. Akin to the this is me, this is what I like, don’t like. Hang and enjoy the fun that is me. Can’t hang and kick rocks right outta the subdivision.

VERRRY difficult to find someone who likes everything that you do, but to stop doing the thing you enjoy out of a sense of duty to compromise so that you include your partner is bananas if you expect a long-term to lifetime relationship.

Delight23

November 3rd, 2010
10:17 am

<— awfully yappy this AM. Kashi Bar and yogurt will do that I guess. :?

Leggs ™

November 3rd, 2010
10:20 am

Good morning!!!

I did this backwards…took a “mental health day” yesterday when I should have taken it today!

It is definitely up to me to make myself happy. If I’m in a relationship and he sees I’m happy he’ll want to be around me and not worry about placating me at every turn. I in turn will want to make him happy in wanting to continue with the relationship and making it as strong as possible. BUT, my happiness rests solely on my shoulders. He can add to it, but he can’t make it happen!

Wise Diva

November 3rd, 2010
10:21 am

this is totally sleeping weather! I’m fighting the sleepies too, someone pass me a red bull, please and thank you

2CPTG© - "that dude from da innanet"

November 3rd, 2010
10:21 am

Cutie….how many dudes do you see at these “singles” seminars/meetings? not very many, yet, the majority of these meetings are facilitated by Men…why is that? Cause we know y’all eat that kinda mess up….prime example, we were talking bout that dude Tiy-E last week….a proven fraud, yet, it’s WOMEN who keep him in business…..

One thing Steve Harvey said that I do like, and agree with…”you can’t fix what’s wrong IN your house, by going outside your house!” Tiy-E, Oprah, Dr, Phil, and whoever else you wanna throw in there, can’t tell me jack…..

Wise Diva

November 3rd, 2010
10:22 am

LOL @ Delight23, we like yappy commenters! I need to try more of those Kashi products, especially for snacks or breakfast

DreamsMaterialize

November 3rd, 2010
10:23 am

expecting men to make it their life’s mission to make/keep us happy.
And where lots of dudes go wrong is by believing that this “mission” is actually possible. No one can make YOU happy. That comes from within. Chicks need to stop relying on men for happiness, and dudes need to stop thinking they provide happiness.

I hate when they do that whatever you want to cook, wherever you want to go eat, whatever movie you want to watch. I’m asking you what you want for a reason
Yes and blue The reason why we do this is because we’re usually presented with options that don’t really make a difference to us. If my only choices are mauve, pink, and fusia, then you might as well choose because it’s all the same to me. You all usually care more than we do in these scenarios, so we just defer to you.

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

November 3rd, 2010
10:29 am

Dreams:lol: True… Or, if we do offer an opinion, we get the gas face, followed by “hmmmph… what about this instead…” :lol:

Delight23

November 3rd, 2010
10:30 am

Nuturing = Parent/Child
Support = Partner

Who wants to nuture a grown man/woman? Ok there are some people who find fulfillment in helping others. Still, these are also one quickest to be dissappointed in mankind when the are net met with the same.

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
10:32 am

@ 2CPTG ok I see your point now…so basically you are saying that we don’t have to bear the brunt its just presented to us that way to make us feel that way to create a market for self help books and other propaganda on how to appeal to men. Still is unnerving though.

@ Dreams Materialize if I ask you if you rather me cook or get takeout and you say you rather me cook and then I ask what would you want me to cook for you and you say whatever you feel like cooking its like well we getting takeout then if that’s the case. I just want to do what you want if I’m asking, hence the question what would you like for me to cook. If I wanted it my way I wouldn’t ask I would just cook or get takeout. But I guess I see your point.

Delight23

November 3rd, 2010
10:36 am

blue® Gotta go with DreamsMaterialize on the lack of enthusiasm to the multi-option scenario. You have to know your partner. If food does not excite them then it will always be “whatever you want.”

Dated this guy that was in love with food, in that he loved to try diffent types of food. He read reviews and the like. So I was the one saying we “can have whatever you like”.

He balanced his love of food and his health though. 6′3, 215lbs. Uggh, just beautiful.

kimmie

November 3rd, 2010
10:37 am

Good rainy morning!

There are some people that are never happy. Nothing pleases them. Or they are difficult on purpose. Always complaining. Negative. They bring down everyone they come in contact with, including their SO if they have one. Never satisfied. These are the types of people that expect their SO to jump thru hoops for them. Men and women can fall in this category.

Whether I’m in a romantic relationship with a man or a friendship with one of my girlfriends, my expectation is that they be pleasant to be around. I don’t expect my chest to tighten up and I should not have to walk on eggshells around you.

With my SO, there is a pleasant calm. He greets me as if he is genuinely happy to have me around. He is considerate and kind. He’s not a comedian, but he occasionally makes me laugh. We can engage in intelligent conversations. He is consistent. Not perfect but perfect for me. We enjoy each other’s company.

That is what “makes” me happy. I hope I do the same for him.

It’s not a stretch for either of us.

What time is it?

November 3rd, 2010
10:40 am

Everyone should be in charge of their own happiness. Whatever is important to your SO, should become important to you also. Do not hinder an activity that makes a person happy, (unless it breaks the law). One of my friends was out at the mall shopping with his wife on Sunday, you know he wanted to watch the football games. He did not complain, but I can tell he was not happy. The last I checked, the mall is open on Saturday. Don’t put people in situations that you know that they will not be happy in.

evy

November 3rd, 2010
10:41 am

hey, guys! wake up, everybody…oooo – i need coffee – now i’ve got rita moreno screaming out the opening to ‘the electric company’ and harold melvin & the blue notes competing for attention in my head…

kimmie

November 3rd, 2010
10:43 am

Do not hinder an activity that makes a person happy, (unless it breaks the law).

What time – I agree. And your friend’s wife dragging her man out shopping on a football Sunday is just ridiculous.

CoolShadow

November 3rd, 2010
10:45 am

Do you think women expect men to make them happy? Is it unrealistic to expect the person you are in a relationship with to put your happiness as a priority?

Some do, but if your foundation of happiness doesn’t come from within, how do you expect someone else to create and sustain it for you? That might be some people’s justification for a relationship, but if you choose to engage someone with those issues come to expect headaches, stress and high-maintenance drama. When you meet someone, they should already radiate a (hopefully high) level of happiness within themselves and your presence complements and increases theirs (and yours), not become the manufacturer and sole source of theirs. That’s asking for major drama and emotional draining.

blue®

November 3rd, 2010
10:45 am

@Yes – i know what you mean about it all being the womans fault, she wasnt enough of this or doing enough of that. seems a catch-22, either she isnt doing enough herself, or the guy (who isnt doing what he should) is not fault because she shouldnt have stuck around for it. her sticking around (hoping he’ll see the error of his ways) again makes it her fault that the relationship isnt working. then if she just leaves because he isnt treating as he should, then shes the bytchy one with the unreasonable demands yada yada…all BS imo…
@Dreams – i could see in a multiple choice way if none of the options work for you, fine. but what about when im asking about your “field of expertise” as it were… do you want pizza tonight or fried chicken? whatever you want….do you want to see macho movie 1 or macho movie 2? whatever you want…or more favorite, when you give no choices and simple say “what do you want to do/eat/see/etc?” and they say whatever you want. how does that make sense?

Raqi V

November 3rd, 2010
10:47 am

Providing happiness…

Example #1:

2CPTG in the efforts of providing his boo happiness get tickets for YesShe to a concert of her favorite singer. To be happy it’s up to her to go and enjoy her appreciating him for his efforts.

Example #2:

YesShe in the efforts of providing her beau happiness surprises him with his favorite meal. To be happy with that it’s up to him to partake of that that meal appreciating her for her efforts.

Now a person that expects someone to make them happy would be 2CPTG expecting YesShe to force the meal down his throat. We can do things for our mates but it’s up to them to be happy in and with it. All we can do it provide, it’s up to the other to consume.

Da_Man!

November 3rd, 2010
10:49 am

If a man doesn’t make their women/wife/partner happy, is she going to be sad without him or just happy with someone else???

czBrat

November 3rd, 2010
10:52 am

leftover halloween chocolates are demonic. :mad:
that is all!

topic looks good. i luv vsb. will try to pop in and read up later.
HiYas!

YesSheIsCute

November 3rd, 2010
10:54 am

@ BLUE thank you! I get sick of hearing how its always the woman’s fault either by action or inaction/being passive about it. Why can’t it sometimes be the man’s fault? Why can’t they have some shame about they ish just once?

Raqi V

November 3rd, 2010
10:55 am

I’ll take “happy with someone else” for $1000, Alex…I mean Da_Man.

Kym

November 3rd, 2010
10:57 am

@Czbrat and Leggs..Good Morning Ladies..

@Leggs your blog husband tried to recruit me..yep I told…should have bought me a kindle.

Celisea

November 3rd, 2010
11:00 am

CZBrat – Please don’t speak to left over Halloween Candy. I think yesterday I had maybe 10 (in all) mini sneakers, mounds, kitkats. So far today I’ve had 2 mini Mounds…I’m sooo not disciplined. I got on the scale this morning and to my surpise I’m down 3 pounds…go figure….LOL

YSIC – I dig what you’re saying how many many times we do hear it’s the woman’s fault hence all of these resources (i.e. books, videos, magazines, pole dancing classes) to find ways, anything to step it up or improve. I think though what’s being said is only if you believe it. None of that stuff can touch what’s really going on between you and another. In most cases if something is wrong somebody (whether him or her….or both) should look within. Usually therein lies the problem.