When do our priorities coincide?
When I see a happy couple get engaged and married I sort of marvel at the things that had to happen to get to that point. I know some people (the “smug and married) like to think that it is oh so easy to meet someone, fall in love (more importantly, like), and start building a life together..I’m not sure I agree.
I just believe that the timing has to be key. It doesn’t matter if I meet 46 great looking men with the same background as mine. If neither of us share the same priorities in close or similar order, then things probably won’t progress very far.
You can pretty much tell who is looking for a good time and who is looking for a good time with the potential for something meaningful. A lot of times women are looking for the potential husband when the guy is looking for the potentially naked woman in his bed the next morning. Or vice versa. I’ve seen plenty of single women perfectly content with having their flavor for the month with no ideas of marriage or a future with the men they date.
I’m not knocking either situation because that is the reality of our so called “modern day” dating scene. I’m only pointing out that when you are lucky enough to want the same thing as the person you are dating, you should be thankful.
So how do we ever get our priorities to coincide? Do you see now how truly amazing and awesome it is when people get married and are happy to do it? It’s like a dating miracle!
Do you think that in order to find single people with the same priorities we should be willing to do something different? Should we meet and date against our normal type? Maybe go younger/older than we normally do?
When you first meet someone, how do you figure out if their priorities would mesh with yours? How much would you be willing to adjust them for the right person?
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487 comments Add your comment
Simple Man!!!
October 7th, 2010
8:05 am
Opening door..Turning on the lights….Seems like I just left….
Simple Man!!!
October 7th, 2010
8:12 am
On Topic…In my dating life I have found that the biggest detriment to me finding the ideal person has been two fold…Timing and rules. One of the reason I really make an effort to stay on good terms with all of the ladies I meet is because while we may not be in the same place right now, in the future who knows…The second and i think most impoertant is, like most folks I have / had dating rules. Age limits, physical types, skin tones. races…. over the last few years, I have realized that while those things were in place to help he find a partner, They in fact did waaaay more harm than good…..
czBrat
October 7th, 2010
8:15 am
Mornin!
i have to say that, with the exception of being marriage-bound, s/o and i share the same priorities i.e. faith, family, health, friends and financial success. being on the same page on so many things has made it possible for us to work through our few differences (some much more easily than others).
Simple Man!!!
October 7th, 2010
8:21 am
Morning CZ… Are you and the SO headed to the alter at some point???
czBrat
October 7th, 2010
8:23 am
that’s the plan, Man. right now that date is two years away but subject to change if i’m willing to live in fayetteville
blue™
October 7th, 2010
8:27 am
Morning people….Simple Man – you checked for vamps right, you know i got a thing about blood suckers and i forgot my garlic at home….
hey cz…what are we talking about this morning…priorities…hmmmm…how to get priorities to coincide – most certainly open, and honest communication…and yes, imo you should be willing to do something different, i mean, the other person shouldnt be doing all the work, you should be actually doing what you can to find them, like a treasure hunt, if you in fact want that relationship. as was said, if you just want a flavor of the day, week, month – then fine, but be honest about what it is yuor looking for…
2CPTG©
October 7th, 2010
8:36 am
g’morning….
you asked, “Do you think that in order to find single people with the same priorities we should be willing to do something different?” Well, if what you’ve been doing isn’t working, then yeah; if you want something different, then DO something different.
Then you asked, “When you first meet someone, how do you figure out if their priorities would mesh with yours?” You ain’t gon’ know; Not right off the bat, anyway. First, see if y’all can even get along. then let the other things fall into place. If they don’t, then don’t force it, and cut ya losses quick.
Kym
October 7th, 2010
8:52 am
Good Morning All,
I am going with 2C on this one.. you can’t know from the first meeting. All of that takes time to develop and the more I learn about myself the more I am not sure I would want some kind of microwave love ..you know where you are all hot and bothered in a instant..a slow simmer where you get to experience all the flavor the other person has to offer..is more appealing to me.
As for doing something different..yeah I know this is my problem. I have a tendancy to run back to what is familiar. Dealing with the devil you know..is sometimes more comforting(easier) than trying to get to know the devils you don’t . Yeah I know I am a lazy dater.
Purple Rain
October 7th, 2010
9:12 am
The answer is don’t rush in and get to know the person well. Then something beautiful will develop of both involved put in the effort.
DreamsMaterialize
October 7th, 2010
9:16 am
A lot of times women are looking for the potential husband when the guy is looking for the potentially naked woman in his bed the next morning.
Again, people have to be honest with themselves and others. I’ve seen lots of women find exactly the guy they claimed they wanted just to find out that THEY weren’t really ready for him or marriage.
Do you think that in order to find single people with the same priorities we should be willing to do something different?
The only constant is change. Life is dynamic, so if you are inflexible you’ll be left behind, in dating and everything else.
CoolShadow
October 7th, 2010
9:20 am
So how do we ever get our priorities to coincide?
Your priorities should be somewhat aligned to have the best chance at relationship success. However, some people may be worth the effort of rearranging your priorities. But that should not be at the expense of changing who you are…
Do you think that in order to find single people with the same priorities we should be willing to do something different?
Sure, if you think it will enhance your chances of meeting someone with like-minded priorities and if what you’re currently doing isn’t working. It just depends on what you think you need to change within your routine; and sometimes the hardest thing about change is escaping that comfort zone that fits you like a glove.
Raqi
October 7th, 2010
9:26 am
One thing I learned quick as a single mother was my priorities most times did not align with most of the men I met. So my needs were first and foremost a man that was family oriented.
I met plenty of guys that said they could deal with it but most found that they couldn’t. I had rules.
Despite what my needs were at the time my kids were my priority. Only when it looked as if a love connection could transpire did I consider making certain adjustments and/or arrangements to allow more time to spend with a suitor.
When my kids called I had to see to them. Thankfully they weren’t too bratty and made a fuss just because but even when on or the other did I knew how to deal with my kids.
My next priority was my job. I was the only source of income for my family so I had to be careful not to jeopardize that. I couldn’t party to all times of the night risking not being coherent enough to make it to work and be productive the next day.
I have never really been the casual dater. I understood that there was a process in getting to know someone but my effort of dating was pretty much always to be in a serious exclusive relationship. I mean yeah there were a few guys that I went out with knowing good and well that they were not what I was looking for but that one or two dates I had with them was fun for what it was worth.
But really as for knowing if and when you priorities align you have to get to know the person. A lot of times that means sharing many of the same likes and dislikes.
Breakingofdawn
October 7th, 2010
9:27 am
*Kym I totally concur on the “devil you know opposed to the one you don’t”. I can’t even put the energy into dating lately, men lately have been such a huge disappoitment.
I also agree with *2C, if what is not working, try something different. I have a tendency to be very shut off when going through difficult times like I have lately. So I haven’t been open to hanging out, but I figured I’m never going to meet people if I don’t go somewhere beyond work, home and take way spots. Thank heavens for football, I’m out at the sports bar on Monday and Sunday. So slow steps but steps.
Luvbug
October 7th, 2010
9:27 am
I don’t think the process of meeting a good, compatible person is hard (yet). Maybe I will feel differently some years from now. Regarding how to get priorities to coincide, I don’t. I’m for respecting the person’s priorities and making a decision…provided we’ve openly discussed each of our priorities.
I’m not one for spinning my wheels to mold or hold a guy…and a guy would be wasting his time trying the same method with me.
SlimNumeroUno
October 7th, 2010
9:29 am
‘a slow simmer where you get to experience all the flavor the other person has to offer..is more appealing to me.’
This is the route I like to go and describes my current ’situation’….
Oh yeah, good morning yall.
blue™
October 7th, 2010
9:30 am
A.M. quote:
Decide what you want, decide what you are willing to exchange for it. Establish your priorities and go to work.
H. L. Hunt
Purple Rain
October 7th, 2010
9:30 am
I think if you are habitually single for years and WANT to be in a relationship, maybe you should adjust your priorities a little because obviously something is not working. Instead of getting more notches in your dating belt slow down and refocus.
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
9:32 am
It’s Demi Time!!
Came in drankin rollin up stankin white boy wasted frat house wasted
Amazin like my bracelet I’m flossin r.i.p the mike the ice got my chest moon walkin
Cabbage patchin bouncin like bankin
Pull up in the drop top ferrari on bank head
Colder than a polar bear sleepin in the freezer
She wish she never met me wanna catch amnesia
Simple Man!!!
October 7th, 2010
9:32 am
Wow….It seems like none ladies that have commented enjoy the dating process…Almost feels like dating is a chore. Now I fully respect the position if that is the case, but there is so many good times and great people to meet…Why would anyone not embrace that???
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
9:32 am
Sup…All…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
9:37 am
It seems like none ladies that have commented enjoy the dating process…
Shyt…Simple, most ladies in this camp have been like that for the past 6 yeaaaaaaarz!!! LOL
M. (pronouced M dot)
October 7th, 2010
9:38 am
Good thursday.
Everyone has priorities that are mandatory and that are secondary. Its all about finding someone who has a good balance, good time management skills, and who is willing to make room for you in their lives. Some people are busy with their routines and they may not necessarily be productive, but their busyness is their priority. Also some people confuse busyness with progress.
“So how do we ever get our priorities to coincide?”
I think we get our priorities to coincide by investing with someone who we know has the same agenda that we do. I do think that we should try different realms for dating but also dont waste time with things and demographics that we know we arent interested in such as divorcees, blended families, differing personalities, etc.
We find all this information out by paying attention to verbal and non verbal signs. If someone says that want to make time for someone but they arent making the effort then you dont have anything.
“The only thing in life that you can truly control is effort. You either make the committment to get the results or you dont”-M. Cuban
Luvbug
October 7th, 2010
9:39 am
correction: I’m not sold on the process…but I don’t thinking meeting a good, compatible guy is hard (yet). I think they’re there, but you have to be willing…definitely have to want and prioritize it.
Raqi
October 7th, 2010
9:41 am
I think mingling is the same circles is a good way to get with someone whose priorities and outlook on life will align with yours. You know the old saying “birds of a feather….”
Two people that are workaholics that can survive on minimum time spent together could be good for each other. When you have conflicting views on the time you need and/or want to spend with someone that causes a problem from the get.
Once getting to know someone you have to step back sometimes to see if you are going in the same directions. Are your goals in life even on the same planet?
Priorities being those things that are not only a responsibility but also those things that are important to you, it’s very important to find the one that is running on the same octane as you. But in some areas it is possible to get those priorities aligned. That would depend on the compromise and sacrifices each is willing to make.
Breakingofdawn
October 7th, 2010
9:43 am
*Simple, we all know for the last few years roles have been reversing in dating. Men are the new women, in some cases. I think women are putting focus on jobs and personal growth with self opposed to just looking to get married. Society has helped along the way, nothing is traditional anymore, not even how we date.
I would like to date, and enjoy dating but it’s just not high on my list right now. If I meet someone that can understand and be willing to be in his place until I work out some “self” things, then it’s awesome. If not the focus has to remain on work and school.
Raqi
October 7th, 2010
9:46 am
SimpleMan, dating is not a chore however when you are looking for something stable, meaningful and long term it is more than just having a good time. Nothing worth having ever comes by flying by the seat of your pants.
The more important having something is to you the more effort you make to have it. It’s more than a notion.
For Real
October 7th, 2010
9:47 am
Wise: “Do you see now how truly amazing and awesome it is when people get married and are happy to do it? It’s like a dating miracle!” – Please stop!!! As long as people have been on this planet people have been getting married. Getting married is not a mystical thing and is most certainly not a miracle. If you want to know the reason why you are married look in the mirror and then look again. Stop blaming any and everthing and start blaming yourself. The fact of the matter is you aren’t looking for “priorities to coincide”. You are too busy making your list of what you don’t want instead of making a list of what you need from a man. Also, stop confusing what dating is. No matter how women try a define dating as something more men will always see it for what it really is DATING. Something you do for fun. So again PLEASE STOP reinforcing these made up reasons, it’s only prolonging your plight. Instead of blaming everyone or making up false reasons as to why marriage hasn’t happened, why don’t you make a case for marriage to men? Matter of fact I would love to see this blog topic Making the Case for Marriage.
Raqi
October 7th, 2010
9:47 am
And Simple just because you are prioritizing and keeping things in check does not mean you are not enjoying the journey.
Chink
October 7th, 2010
9:49 am
I have dated my fair share of guys and one thing I look for is for the guy to make me a priority. I have been in the game long enough to know the difference in a guys actions. I always say this is not going to be easy and if thats what you are looking for you might have to give up. When I look at those couples who are “making it happen” I know the fault lies in me …sometimes I think I may be a free spirit …or I am just a commitment phobe
.
On a side note sometimes being a strong woman can be your weakness…because in essence you will be looking for someone stronger than you…and how do you define that??
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
9:49 am
…but I don’t thinking meeting a good, compatible guy is hard (yet). I think they’re there, but you have to be willing…definitely have to want and prioritize it.
said with single gator tear in right eye
My Luv-ta-bug-u has maturrred!!!….
DreamsMaterialize
October 7th, 2010
9:52 am
Shyt…Simple, most ladies in this camp have been like that for the past 6 yeaaaaaaarz!!! LOL
Demi Haaaaaaa that’s funny… what’s good man?
It seems like none ladies that have commented enjoy the dating process…
Simple I’m with you on this. Sometimes you can take things too seriously and miss out on what you’re supposed to be enjoying. I think lots of times, women are so focused on the destination that they forget the journey. Enjoy the journey.
Luvbug
October 7th, 2010
9:53 am
LorDemi- From what to what? I don’t remember a time I haven’t thought that.
SlimNumeroUno
October 7th, 2010
9:54 am
Dang For Treal, you been dipping in my soapbox supply this morning? (You know I lubes you boyeee)
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
9:55 am
and how do you define that??
Chink…regardless of what the media says…having your own car/house/job…does not make you a strong woman…that is called: Being An Adult…LOL
Purple Rain
October 7th, 2010
9:56 am
I agree with For Real, now that I think about it. To a guy dating is just that dating.
Simple Man!!!
October 7th, 2010
9:57 am
Raqi, I understand that, and by no means am I an advocate of carefree and without thought bouncing from person to person, but we spend a good amount of time searching for that one special person…I just believe that the journey is as important as the destination. I have said it here before. but I date alot and quite frankly some of those women are wonderful and some are not worth a nickel, but the experiences and the chances to expand who and what I am are priceless!! It just seems such a waste to not enjoy those moments….
DreamsMaterialize
October 7th, 2010
9:58 am
I would love to see this blog topic Making the Case for Marriage.
Real Ha, I second that! Wait can we change it to Making the (LOGICAL) Case for Marriage? Otherwise we gon’ get “it’s right cuz my mama told me so” kinda arguments. lol
SlimNumeroUno
October 7th, 2010
10:00 am
‘Enjoy the journey’
Keep in mind the journey will not be all G-forces, thrills and screams…it’s sort of like an old wooden roller coaster. Even though you maybe a little nervous/scared you have those hills and g-forces that keeps you wanting more but frankly, you could ended up with a bit of a bruised back like how you feel after riding the Cyclone. lol
Purple Rain
October 7th, 2010
10:01 am
Simple Man, I think men are dating to find and raise their expectations as the dating process goes along. Whereas women go in with full expectation from the start and more often than not those expectations are not met, making it more painful
2CPTG©
October 7th, 2010
10:02 am
Demi….what’s good man…..come thru kickin down the doors!!!!
LorDemi
October 7th, 2010
10:03 am
For Real, Sup…I picked up a turbo ‘busa a few month ago…I was force to sell the Bish though…had trble maintaining legal speed limit.
but I did hit a buck ninety a few time on the highway though
For Real
October 7th, 2010
10:03 am
Chink: “I have dated my fair share of guys and one thing I look for is for the guy to make me a priority. sometimes I think I may be a free spirit …or I am just a commitment phobe” – I’m not picking on you but do see why I say women are irrational? You expect a guy to make you a priority in his life but your possible free spirit or commitment phobia makes it impossible for you to make him a priority in your life. That just doesn’t make sense. Oh and the last part of your is just another excuse to justify why it has happened. Again, not picking on you just your words.
Slim: Yes I am cause I’m just tired of hearing all the excuses women have about not getting married and that it is never, ever their fault. Some just don’t know how to be happy and tell me what dude would want an unhappy woman? And what dude would want to marry an unhappy woman?
Chink
October 7th, 2010
10:03 am
Demi
When I think of strong woman I think of women who have beat the odds…who didn’t let something (barrier) stop them from obtaining something (goal). And that has more to do with internal strength than what you actually attained:!:
Raqi
October 7th, 2010
10:04 am
Simple, I am all for enjoying the moments but why waste time with someone that is not wanting what you are wanting. As we all know nothing is guaranteed but hell you do stand a better chance when you are least looking for a like one that is looking for you.
And btw what is your idea of “having fun”?
For Real
October 7th, 2010
10:08 am
DM: I agree but let me take it a step further to avoid what you pointed out. “Making the Case for Marriage to Men! How’s that?
Demi: What up playboy!!! Yeah I hit 190 on my 1400. About to have some work done on it during the winter and then I’m going to take it to the track to see if I can hit 200. Guess I better up that amount on my insurance policy first tho.
DreamsMaterialize
October 7th, 2010
10:11 am
Keep in mind the journey will not be all G-forces, thrills and screams…
Slim I’m cool with that though. I appreciate the journey for what it is and try to get the most out of it. Now if the journey is just pain and misery, then maybe the destination isn’t worth it.
Kym
October 7th, 2010
10:11 am
@Simple..I guess I can be counted among those who does not enjoy the process. Again I am a lazy dater..I don’t do clubs..you are not gonna find me hanging out at the hip spot..I am square. I volunteer(something not alot of men of all races do enough of..but that’s a whole other Oprah), I hang with friends when I can..and I go about my life just like the rest of the squares. I am not complaining or saying there are no good men..I am saying, and I am unanimous in this,..that I am just not willing to make the effort to go outside of what I know right now in my life to meet someone. Frankly, I don’t even like the idea of hunting for a man, because that seems thristy as hell to me, frankly I am not that hard up. I love meeting new people and hanging out…but it always happens naturally. Like Raqi said earlier as a single mama, my kid has a higher prioritity for me than dating. So if I want to get my jollies..might as well stick with the devils I know because at least they know where I am coming from and I don’t have explain to them about football schedules, chorus practice, or why they can’t be seen by kid the next morning.
Chink
October 7th, 2010
10:11 am
4Real
Look commitment is scary …but that’s not to say that I can’t make a guy a priority. And that doesn’t mean I am dating multiple men at once either. But talk about FOREVER …I don’t know who wouldn’t feel weird about that.
Thats why I say its hard to define …because it is
That wasn’t an attempt to provide a reason.
SlimNumeroUno
October 7th, 2010
10:11 am
‘what dude would want an unhappy woman? And what dude would want to marry an unhappy woman?’
You have a good point there tanto…but you know, for whatever crazy reasons folks do it everyday. If you were/are miserable pre-wedding, then why would anything change afterwards. But i’m a pretty happy person so when are we going to discuss our Nuptials?
For Real
October 7th, 2010
10:12 am
Raqi: “waste time” – That’s another statement that kills the dating experience a man is having with a women. When a woman says that men take it to mean: So, if I don’t marry you then I’m not worth being with you cause I’m wasting your time as if my time is meaningless.