accessAtlanta

City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP
City & State or ZIP Tonight, this weekend, May 5th...
City & State or ZIP

Recovering from dating mistakes

A reader emailed me because she is in a bit of  pickle with her new guy.  This weekend he caught her going through his cell phone.  She claims her curiosity got the best of her because he is one of those “heavy texters” and she wanted to know if any of them were dirty texts with other women.

This is one of those awkward situations that is really tough to recover from.  Most men don’t want to think you are an insecure woman who has trust issues.  Even if this is the actual truth, you just can’t convince them you won’t let it be an ongoing problem after you have shown this side of you.

Have you ever made a really stupid mistake with someone in the “honeymoon phase” of a new dating relationship?  Were you able to dial it back and make things better?

How forgiving should we be when someone has shown bad judgment?

What is the best way to show someone that your one slip-up shouldn’t be the deal breaker that torpedoes your chances with them?

473 comments Add your comment

SlimNumeroUno

September 30th, 2010
11:59 am

My ex had a secret compartment in his truck he had before it got wrecked….and he had condoms in there…trojans to be exact of which i’m allergic to. Go figure

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
12:00 pm

Slim it was not so secret if you found it. LOL

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
12:01 pm

Who here opens your mates mail

Purple, Depends on what it is. Some items whether addressed to him or me is “our” mail. Some items are not.

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
12:02 pm

Raqi, why not all mail?

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
12:03 pm

Raqi – Some men get off on having that secrecy going, even if they are not up to anything. I’ve been in situations like that. It’s almost like they like rubbing it in your face that you don’t have access to certain things, much less full access. They like to try to keep you guessing or “on your toes” as one told me. That is just another type of game being played out here in the dating world, nothing more. It’s stupid and juvenile.

One guy that comes to mind was the dude I mentioned in an earlier post, that stole from me. He used to love to leave town for the weekend and not say anything to me about it. I would call him and get no answer and not here from him until Monday or Tuesday. He said we were not married so he didn’t have to report his whereabouts to me! The thing was, he was game-playing because his trips were really for his job and they wouldn’t even come up in general conversation. After he did it the first time, I just stopped calling or asking. He finally saw how stupid it looked and stopped. Evasiveness and secrecy, for no reason but to create drama. The crazy thing is that I’ve found the more you are open with each other and the more access you freely give, the less questions need to be asked. Things seem to flow better and you have an atmosphere of trust.

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
12:04 pm

Anyone here ever been to Chile?

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
12:09 pm

Elijah – @It’s me…Lurker…I’m a little disappointed in you….Simple Man c’mon now….But I will forgive you once you take me to lunch…

Awwww, don’t be like that. You know you’re still my blog fav :)

On topic: I think every individual owes it to another to be respectful of phones, emails, etc. I also think every individual should be honest about their doings…what’s to conceal if there’s nothing to hide. Just because it’s a spouse I don’t think one should cash in on going through things however I do believe nothing should be done or hidden so much so that it’s a shock or something you “stumbled” upon. Everything should be an open book without necessarily making it an open book. I was picked up for lunch and left sitting in the car while he went into the bank….2 blackberrys on the console. I don’t know it that was bait or just really left there. Didn’t touch nor was tempted. IMO, even if you’re tempted, learn how not to induldge into that sort of thing. If you’re not a person big on trust that’s the only way you’ll learn. If you’ve been a person that’s snooped in the past, that’s how to get past that sort of thing. When the temptation come, walk away and leave it alone. If there’s something distrustful lurking beneath in time it will reveal itself. I’m sort of like someone said earlier, don’t want to be nobody’s fool but don’t want to be cynical and jaded. So I had to tell myself this (cause I use to be like heck no ain’t nobody cheating/duping me) I cannot control other folks actions and what a person does or lack in the way of honesty and commitment and being forthcoming…that’s them….nothing to do with me and my character. I didn’t really have to learn this but I’m this way, I will give a person the benefit of the doubt, if you screw up or commit a deal breaker, so you’ll know I wasn’t playing, I’m done. No do overs.

White Man

September 30th, 2010
12:09 pm

blue™

September 30th, 2010
12:10 pm

@kimmie – Evasiveness and secrecy, for no reason…The crazy thing is that I’ve found the more you are open with each other and the more access you freely give, the less questions need to be asked. – well said, all that dodging just to show me that you dont have to answer me does more harm than good…when we stop acting like its you vs. me and more like us, then it all just flows

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
12:13 pm

Czbrat?

What inane stuff does he ask!
PR?

I don’t open her email either unless she’s in hospital or some!

I just know I trained this woman to love me’ so no insecurity here!

Well trained woman! Lol

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
12:13 pm

And if you live your life an open book then folks ain’t inclined to wonder what you’re up to. It’s only when you act secretive and suspect does that gets folks juices going.

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
12:13 pm

Melo, I don’t open her mail either.

White Man

September 30th, 2010
12:15 pm

That is funny that you use the word “trained” but that is EXACTLY what it is.

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
12:15 pm

It’s me – Your 12:13 & other post – Well said!

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
12:17 pm

great posts kimmie & blue. now there is something i have to work on. being an introvert and a bit on the shy side causes me to do a lot of watching and taking things in, not so much speaking my thoughts and feelings. s/o has tried to cope with the lack of communication and realize it’s not secrecy (and certainly not intentional drama), i just don’t feel the need to share every lil thing that crosses my mind. but i’m learning to open up a bit more so he doesn’t have to feel like he’s prying all the time. we’re a work in progress :)

Dan - simply...

September 30th, 2010
12:20 pm

@Kimmie

It’s not about secrecy, it’s really is about respect.

Respect my space, my isht, and likewise, I’ll respect yours (ie. SC’s friend who asked her husband to respect her space).

It’s the same thought process: mine, yours, ours.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
12:30 pm

Where is REal at?
I need one of his skits to make me laugh.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
12:30 pm

still laughin at how Real said to simple dude: “Put your got Dayum hand down!”

LMAO!

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
12:32 pm

Dan – I agree about the respect.

But in my case I described above – it WAS secrecy. Intentional drama.

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
12:33 pm

White Man??

Ian lucky I plucked her when she was just about to bloom. So the only mould she knows is mine,The Melo version of the living bible.
It would be harder to mould if it were am’ older chick with some hang ups from her pasts.

U know what they say about teaching an d dog new tricks.

It would be like Benny Madoff asking John Gotti to take care of his millions.
A trick asking another trick to cut their hair, as they say on Zulu.

You will get an unsolicited Mohawk instead of a fade!

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
12:35 pm

Brat – I am kind of the same way. I clown and am very talkitive – until it comes to my feelings. I am working hard on it, especially in this relationship!

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
12:35 pm

Luving bible

As they say in zulu

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
12:35 pm

melo, it’s stuff that is just trivial imo. it’s not enough for me to say i’m busy after work, he wants to know what i’m doing (ex: stop @ publix, visit sister, etc.), and it’s not enough for me to say i had a rough day at work, he wants to know what made it so rough. he likes details; i like the big picture.

it would be easy to see that as a sign of suspicion, because i used to see it that way. but i’ve explained how it comes across; he’s explained why he’s so concerned, and the longer we’re together the better we gel. he has learned to fill in the blanks for himself, because he knows me now. i have learned to paint a clearer picture, because i now know him.

White Man

September 30th, 2010
12:37 pm

Melo we are on the exact same page.

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
12:41 pm

Kimmie…thanks :)

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
12:41 pm

czB…TheDude and I are opposite. He can ask ONE question and I will give him ALL the details. If I ask ONE question, he answers the question that I asked. If I wanted more information, I had to ask more questions.

We had to talk about that because I was starting to feel like I was giving him the third degree when really, I’m just interested in what goes on in his life.

On the other hand, I’m learning to ask better questions. LOL!

White Man

September 30th, 2010
12:44 pm

SexyCool…that is a fundamental difference in the sexes. Communication

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
12:44 pm

…that is a fundamental difference in the sexes. Communication

yep, I think so too

Leggs ~ Smiling

September 30th, 2010
12:45 pm

That’s the key, SexyC ~ asking better questions. I’m a detailed person as well, but I quickly learned men will only answer what you ask. You have to find that question(s) that will solicit more detail.

Robert

September 30th, 2010
12:48 pm

This is one of the problems with dating. Technology (cell phones, internet, etc.) has a tremendous affect on relationships. The one thing that I stress to my woman is what is “appropriate” versus “inappropriate” behavior for using technology such as cell phones. For example I prefer not to send “text messages” as a normal form of communications. Why? Most mature older men do not “text” unless it is business related (work, etc.). As a mature older man I feel it is an invasion of my privacy. My woman and I both agree when we are together it’s best to turn off the cell phone which is the appropriate behavior. Younger men who might have grown up in a single parent home (mom only) are more likely to pickup “texting” will participate inappropriate behaviors such as cronic “texting”. I hate to see a man “texting” as a form of communication. I tell my daughter who is in her 20’s the practice of “texting” just to be “texting” is not normal for a man and is a sign that the man might be gay or on the down low. “Texting” is for women who have nothing better to do with their fingers or time. “Texting” is a waste of time and is very inappropriate when starting a new dating relationship.

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
12:50 pm

well, SC, you know EXACTLY what we’re going through. i will say that a good bit of my lack of communication stems from the fact that we keep in touch mostly by phone, text and emai. we generally only see each other on weekends. i’m waaaaaay better at clarity in person than trying to cover everything in a darn message.

SlimNumeroUno

September 30th, 2010
12:50 pm

Purp – well it was sort of a ‘hidden’ compartment…almost like the place where you’d think the fuse box would be but it wasn’t. He was playing bball one day and I went and sat in the truck, ended up getting bored so just started playing with stuff…then POOF there they were staring back at me, Trojans in a red wrapper. Of course, he told me they were his friends…i’m like Riiiiiiigggghhht, your friends rubbers…um, do you use them for him too? lol :roll:

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
12:53 pm

Quite true…because still, he will give me the Cliff Notes answer…I will just look at him and say, “Mars/Venus.” He’ll start laughing and respond a little further.

The other thing…we can talk about something and later he will act like I’m bringing it up for the first time. I’ve told him that I’m convinced that he only listens to 90% of what I say and he maintains that I only tell him 90% of what he needs to know. Now, when it happens and he goes into his “first time hearing it/I’m confused” look, I just look at him and say “90%.” and we both start laughing.

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
12:54 pm

Anyone here ever been to Chile?

Hi ARed : No but have been to South America, Lima Peru just above Chile beautiful country.

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
12:56 pm

Younger men who might have grown up in a single parent home (mom only) are more likely to pickup “texting” will participate inappropriate behaviors such as cronic “texting”.

That ain’t limited to single family homes. That’s just what folks do now cause we live in a time of convenience.

Kym

September 30th, 2010
12:57 pm

Good Afternoon All,

Again ya’ll wait until I am out of the office and have these great discussions..Should I give you jokers my schedule?

Regarding the topic.. I have made some mistakes..but going thru someone’s pockets and wallet is not one of them. I am more of the “you’ll slip up and then I will catch ya.” While I am a paranoid dater..even I have limits..I would rather dream about and make up what I think you are doing and let my imagination run away with me..than start rambling thru some bloke’s (I’m British today) stuff.

White Man

September 30th, 2010
12:58 pm

Lurker…I believe we live in a time when our youth is scared of reality. They do not know how to communicate face to face because of texting, blogs and chat rooms. I believe this will hinder them later in life.

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
1:02 pm

One thing that made me REALLY re-evaluate father/daughter visitation and the locale was the fact that instead of his behind coming to visit, he’d start rambling and looking through my things….drawers, closets, purses. Idiot. Oh and asking my daugther “your mommie got a boyfriend?” I know how folks feel about the noncustodial parents and their rights but if you infringe upon my, you lose yours.

White Man

September 30th, 2010
1:02 pm

That is like women in a social setting. They are so used to getting texts or emails that when a man actually approaches them and starts a conversation they feel very surprised.

Flavor

September 30th, 2010
1:02 pm

Ok you have to watch it. Word of wisdom be very careful if you bring an extra person into your relationship and make some physical comparisons! I made that mistake and it took months to repair! anybody made a mistake like that?

White Man

September 30th, 2010
1:04 pm

Flavor….do yo have an open marriage?

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
1:04 pm

White Man – I can’t say IMO if it’s scared of reality but I do agree, the inability to have dialog and communicate will be a hindrance. Sometimes just knowing how to talk and communicate will seal the deal but if you have exercised and practiced you will definitely come up short.

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
1:05 pm

haven’t exercised not have excercised

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
1:05 pm

Another comment that I wanted to make that speaks directly to wording of today’s topic…Recovering from dating mistakes.

I do believe that you have the opportunity to recover from dating mistakes. You just may be unable to do it within the relationship that you were in when you screwed up. You are, however, always have the opportunity to take the lesson forward with you.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
1:06 pm

It’s me….lurker

Oh boy was really playing the “Does mommy have a boyfriend game” ???
He was dead azz crazy, HUH?

White Man

September 30th, 2010
1:06 pm

Lurker you are correct. Most men do not know how to speak their minds to a woman. Wheither it be to ask on a date or to have a one night stand.

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
1:09 pm

Simple Man….ALL THE TIME. I got sooo sick of that mess. I kid you not, it may sound unbelievable but fighting him off me EVERYTIME was another. I know somebody will jump on this cause I know he was a grown man but I started making him either sit on the porch with her or meet somewhere.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
1:09 pm

Ca I Piggy back on SC’s 1:05???

Are the ladies here willing to give a guy a second chance if they cut him off and then they find out that they may have been wrong???

It's me....lurker

September 30th, 2010
1:10 pm

White Man I agree but I was speaking more to the inability and lack to communicate in life…overall. They ain’t gonna make it through a dang interview because it will be in person versus over the airwaves…lol

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
1:11 pm

It’ me…. Did you put it on jim like that???LOL I know its not funny but teh image of dude trying to steal a kiss or dry humping everytime you got close is…well sad…..