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Recovering from dating mistakes

A reader emailed me because she is in a bit of  pickle with her new guy.  This weekend he caught her going through his cell phone.  She claims her curiosity got the best of her because he is one of those “heavy texters” and she wanted to know if any of them were dirty texts with other women.

This is one of those awkward situations that is really tough to recover from.  Most men don’t want to think you are an insecure woman who has trust issues.  Even if this is the actual truth, you just can’t convince them you won’t let it be an ongoing problem after you have shown this side of you.

Have you ever made a really stupid mistake with someone in the “honeymoon phase” of a new dating relationship?  Were you able to dial it back and make things better?

How forgiving should we be when someone has shown bad judgment?

What is the best way to show someone that your one slip-up shouldn’t be the deal breaker that torpedoes your chances with them?

473 comments Add your comment

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
10:38 am

Good day, all!

My mother drilled not going thru her things so much that, after she passed and I had to clear out her things, I felt really funny going in her drawers and her purses! Like she was standing there, watching me! :) She used to scare us and say one day we would see something we didn’t want to see! So the nosy side of me, that I know was there, is gone. I really have no desire to go up in folks stuff. If it’s something really explosive, God will reveal it to me at the right time, on time.

I dated a guy that liked to set up traps to catch women snooping. He came right out and told me, because he was shocked when he left me in his apartment to get some food and everything was in order when he came back! That didn’t sit too well with me though. That was HIS first dating mistake that he had to make a comeback from! :(

I too have a friend that thinks I am crazy for not snooping. She scolded her sister for not snooping thru her husband’s things and finding out about his cheating earlier than when the shyt hit the fan. But this same friend has trust issues anyway with her husband. And in spite of all her snooping, he still managed to mess around on her and hide it until he confessed because the chick he messed with threatened to tell her!

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
10:40 am

So how many of you here would switch phones with your significant other for a day?

M. s/o can have my phone for a week for all i care. “please respond and reply to the texts and messages for me while you’re at it, luv. thanx!” :wink:

funny thing … s/o left his phone at my house one night and was then trying to reach me on it by calling and texting. i never even looked at the thing because it’s HIS phone. he finally caught on and called me on my phone and i was like “yeah. it’s here.”. :)

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
10:40 am

I.Am Stay away from the Jeans if you can…A pair of Dockers and a polo type shirt is your safest bet…

i'm swiss™ (but you can call me Mr. Goodnight)

September 30th, 2010
10:42 am

On topic: Snooping is always a bad look. But then, so is still being secretive after you’ve crossed into the “serious relationship” stage. Over time you should reach a point where snooping is not necessary because the two of you are an open book to one another, but until you reach that point you should mind your own business

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:42 am

Mdot, no I didn’t contradict myself. Looking in a wallet with a person’s knowledge (aka permission) and snooping when they are not around are totally different instances. But okay you win. LOL

SexyCool, remember the post at my spot about me walking in the room and finding all of the contents of my purse on the table, I guess I should have kicked Elizabeth and Mason both out of the house that evening. LOL

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
10:44 am

@Ared?!

When my phone rings Queen answers it in a hot minute when iam not within reach.

Now me’, I don’t care for her ringing phone. She will ask me’ why I didn’t answer.

I don’t want to be yap yapping with her girlfriends. They need to mind their daamn business especially when we home together!

Heiffers!! :lol:

Leggs ~ Smiling

September 30th, 2010
10:46 am

@czB ~ Right on! I would have done the same thing! That’s your phone, your texts, no need for me to answer. Figured once you realized you left your phone at my place, you’ll call ME ON MY PHONE! Set up 101!

blue™

September 30th, 2010
10:47 am

@Raqi – in with you, theres a big difference between snooping and asking a person straight out. i ask you if i can check your phone, wallet, whatever – you say yes, theres no tripping out later about me going behind your back, and no deflecting whatever i find with what were you doing in there anyway…im being straight up…now if you wanted to be straight up, youda told me about x,y,z that was in there, but thats another story, lol…..

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
10:50 am

The scene where he busts her in the restaurant is hilarious.

:lol:

“We’re here to celebrate…my divorrrrrceeee” :lol:

Dan - simply...

September 30th, 2010
10:50 am

@SC

That 10:22 was brilliant.

That statement was self-confidence defined.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:50 am

What makes you want to go through someone elses stuff if they give you permission or not?

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:50 am

kimmie, what tickles me about the setups is they set you up to see if they can trust yet not realizing they have trust issue in having a need or desire to set you up. Evidently they have a problem trusting people so they set traps to entrap them. LOL

I worked with this guy once that had cheated so many times on women that he started suspecting every woman he dated of cheating. He nearly drove himself batty trying to find out if those women were cheating on him.

I guess those that feel the need to setup people are snoopers themselves. They recognize the signs and behavior. LOL

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:52 am

Thanks Simple: I was thinking the same thing after I typed that.
Capris okay since it’s still a little warm?

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
10:52 am

@ swiss: Yes an open book of course, I once showed a lady I had much interest in credit report, ssn, passport just to show I’m who I say I am I wasn’t afraid to do this because she done the same with me and no one took information home.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
10:52 am

You attract what you fear.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:53 am

I think that if you are at the point of snooping thru someone’s things without their knowledge or consent, it’s a dead giveaway that the relationship is already over.

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
10:54 am

In all honesty though…ER’now and then…I feel just a twinge of curiosity (or old insecurities popping up) and I get an itch to just check…but…I don’t…because I value this relationship enough to not bring that element of distrust into it.

Besides…it is proven over and over AND OVER again…that’s what’s done in the dark will come to the light….which is of course, why I always say “Might as well do it with the lights on.”

It has happened on more than one occasion the things that I needed to know in a relationship were revealed to me without me having to go and search for them.

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
10:54 am

I Am…That wold be perfect :)

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
10:57 am

Blue, I know. LOL I am by no means clueless to the fact that shyt happens. People cheat and people sneak around but unless I am given a reason to suspect foul living I will not be worrying myself into an early grave about.

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
10:58 am

@I am whatever you say I am™

Was all of that 10:35 post intended for me?

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:59 am

:-) thanks simple!

2CPTG©

September 30th, 2010
10:59 am

Raqi…if you found out Mason was cheating, would you leave him?

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
10:59 am

M.
go play in the sandbox

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
11:01 am

M. : I am not trying to be mean or hurtful,
It’s just that your posts lately, really show just how puerile you really are.
I lack the patience.

Purple Rain

September 30th, 2010
11:01 am

I Am, I emailed you back.

And to the other bloggers you have to excuse “I Am” Since I gave her a ride on the joy stick she has not quite been the same. LOL…j/k

AmazonRed™

September 30th, 2010
11:01 am

I value this relationship enough to not bring that element of distrust into it.

That’s what keeps my “snoopometer” at bay too.

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
11:01 am

@2Can?

How many kids you got? U live with them?

blue™

September 30th, 2010
11:01 am

@PR – suspicious behaviour in many forms. in the past, i have posed the convo as if it were me, if were doing x,y,z – would you be suspicious? when they say, i say ok then im watching you do x,y,z time to straighten some stuff out…but in all honesty, only ever did that once we were in something serious, not wasting my time in the first month bothering
@Raqi – my favorite ones are when you arent even snooping – they say can you grab me a shirt out my drawer, chicks panties fall out; can you grab a 20 out my wallet so i can pay the pizza guy at the door, condoms fall out when yall aint using em; answer my phone, its prob my boy/boss/mom and i dont wanna miss it – no its some chick who hung up as soon as she heard my voice….priceless

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
11:02 am

There must be a lot of trust between me & anyone I deal with. Because of the setup in our household growing up, we could leave money, diamonds, SS card, anything laying around and it would be right where we left it.

I had one man to steal from me and when I found out, I erased him, his mama and daughters from my life with the quickness! He can rot for all I care and he better be glad I didn’t tell the top security gov’t agency he worked for! :(

My SO is a lawyer that works for a corporate firm. He also does some consulting from home. He has all kinds of confidential stuff around. He has trusted me since the beginning and I’ve never touched his things. He’s asked me to answer his phone when he couldn’t and he’s answered mine, but we just keep our personal stuff seperate. Not to be evasive, just the way it is. We both have iphones, but he is so much more a techy than me, so if we switched phones, I’d probably be confused!LOL!! But maybe I’ll do that because he knows all the cool applications and would put them on my phone! :)

Swiss- I totally agree with you about the “secretivness” when you are supposed to be at the serious point in a relationship.

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
11:02 am

Eddie Long. I just wanted to be the first person to say it today :)

M. (pronouced M dot)

September 30th, 2010
11:02 am

@I am whatever you say I am™

Cool. Thanks. ;)

Leggs ~ Smiling

September 30th, 2010
11:04 am

LOL ~ how many looked up “puerile?”

2CPTG©

September 30th, 2010
11:04 am

Melo…..2 kids…..not since ‘08 have they lived with me full time..

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
11:04 am

Speaking of insecurities…TheDude and I were having a conversation recently and the topic came up. And what he said made me googly eyed for him all over again.

“Babe, if you ever feel insecure in this relationship, it means that I’m not doing something I’m supposed to be doing and I need to do more.”

(sighs…I so *heart* THATdude!)

Raqi

September 30th, 2010
11:05 am

Maybe I am from a different time or something because all this “privacy” and secrecy among spouses and committed couple is just something I am not familiar. To me it’s akin to living separate lives although you claim to be together.

I can sex up every way every day from here to Timbuktu but you better not see what’s in my wallet. GTFOH

SexyCool

September 30th, 2010
11:06 am

Of course, he could be totally discounting the fact that my ass can be completely crazy for no reason sometimes. LOL!

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
11:09 am

It’s not “better not see” but why would you want to see? I have never had a desire to go through her purse because I have never cared about what’s in there. I have gone in there a few times to clean her .380 but that’s it and that is only after I aske her to get it for me and she tells me its still in her purse. I am asking what makes a person want to look in a wallet or purse not if it’s okay to do it or not.

Breakingofdawn

September 30th, 2010
11:09 am

Raqi geeze you touched off a bomb when you said that. This is a huge reason why I had to cut of the a dude. We’ve known each other 17+ years, been twisting for a minute here and there. But I tell you what as soon as I ask a personal question he’s all mr.clamuprighttight. And these are simple direct questions not asking for his SS#. Just random well what I thought was just random conversation questions.
I’ve been ignoring his texts for about 2 weeks. Changing my number next week, doubt he will be getting the new one.

I had to get off the dumb train with him.

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
11:09 am

2Can?

Cool…want anymore if right chick pops up to marry?
(sorry for the quiz early this morning bro)

@Kimmie?’

You have sung high and low pitched fir your guy for a time now..what’s up with the marriage thing?

Ain’t he giving you pressure or is he not feeling any?
Ever come up in your 2 way convos??

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
11:10 am

LOL @ Leggs!

Dear Bloggsville Financial Members:

This blog is for entertainment purposes.
Do not take offense unless I am speaking to you directly which in that case, you need to man up!

Blackfoote

September 30th, 2010
11:10 am

@ blue: You’re funny as hell, But straight on my kinda gal.

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
11:11 am

Here let me clear the air:

I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!!!!;-)

Simple Man!!!!!

September 30th, 2010
11:14 am

Wow..It seems as if I am in the minority here….While I don’t have anything to hide, I still believe that everyone is should have things that are just for them…My E-mails, are for me not whomever i happen to be dating…Same with my phone calls…Whoever I happen to be dating has to respect the fact that I respect her enough not to be sideways …I will trust and respect you and your space..I expect the same…

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
11:15 am

I Am, I think you need another adjustment. Please call my assistant. LOL

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
11:15 am

Just Heard that my future baby daddy Vin Diesel is Atlanta shooting fast and furious 5 :p

czBrat

September 30th, 2010
11:15 am

awwww SexyC. just awwwwww! :)

Raqi, you bring to mind something that happened to me not too long ago with a male co-worker (i was kinda tight with him AND his wife). i was out of town when my son needed a ride home from a game, so i tried to reach the co-worker to see if they were in the area to pick my son up. the message i left specifically said “if you and lisa are not busy and don’t mind taking a ride down to the field ……”. well, i never heard back from either of them so i arranged for a cab to get my boy. no worries.

come monday morning she calls me at the office and SHREDDED ME because she saw that he had a missed call from me with a message which she could not access because (unbeknownst to her) he had changed his password. all of a sudden i’m the suspected ‘other woman’.

bottom line … he had a history of shenanigans, she had insecurities and i wished them both good luck and good riddance. no time for it i tell ya. no time! :mad:

Melo!

September 30th, 2010
11:16 am

Raqi?!

Going in your Hubby wallet is insecure even if he is your husband. I never peek in my wife purse. What for? I ain’t Sophia!

If she wants me’ to get some from there I give her the purse to retrieve herself. It’s called respect!

I font mind her scrolling in my phone if she happens to be using it but I recognize the move. It’s an insecure one but won’t raise no he’ll about it coz she is my wife.

Funny thing is everytime I see her email open as I try to use the laptop, I logg it off.

Every secure person must do the same, couple or no couple never mind your year of birth.!

It’s called RESPECT!!

kimmie

September 30th, 2010
11:16 am

Melo – I know you’ve been itching to ask me about that! Let’s put it this way: if I’m still with him, it sure has come up! And when I have something definite in place, I will let you & the blog know. :)

Purple Olive – I agree – I really don’t care what’s in his wallet and such.

Purple Rain (Psycho C)

September 30th, 2010
11:16 am

Simple Man, just be lucky if you get to keep the garage as yours. LOL

I am whatever you say I am™

September 30th, 2010
11:17 am